


Secret Heart Club of Secrets

by Anon_H



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Break Up, Crack, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Red Romance, Shipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-17 02:58:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 150,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2294336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: Alright, don't freak but I kinda need to ship everyone.<br/>TT: I'm talking black, ashen, red and pale. The full romance party course for 32.<br/>TT: I am the chef, recommending some savory fucking romance cuisine.<br/>TT: Can't handle it because shit's too hot? Get out of the goddamn kitchen.<br/>TT: You in?<br/>AC: \(=^..^=)/ I DON'T GET IT!<br/>AC: \(=^..^=)/ IS THIS SUPPAWSED TO BE IRONIC?!<br/>TT: Sure, let's go with that.</p><p>Note: chapter 11 under maintenance because of photobucket shenanigans</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Price of existence

They had lost.

It was a simple proven fact. The loud-mouthed little brat who usually insulted Dirk from behind a computerscreen now stood in front of him. A hulking green figure draped in a bright overcoat and armed with a golden scepter, aimed at the human’s face.

Dirk was exhausted, his katana broken and his glasses badly damaged. Skaia was crumbling around him in a spectacularly anticlimactic fashion. Prospit shone brightly on the chessplanet, there was a pleasant breeze and even the clouds seemed to show images a better place. Everything looked so peaceful, save for the reality destroying manic in front of him.  
The land should be littered with corpses but his opponent didn’t work that way. Whatever Caliborn did, everyone who was hit instantly evaporated. Dirk wasn’t certain whether or not it counted as an extra cause for concern or a relief. At the very least it seemed to be instantaneous.

 **“YOU ARE ALONE, PRESENT DIRK.”** the voice of the matured cherub boomed over Skaia. In the blink of an eye his scepter turned into a golden machine gun. A few shots were fired but they were a formality, easily deflected even with a broken katana. Dirk’s free hand was too busy trying to establish a connection.

TT: AR, come on.  
TT: Talk to me.  
TT: I could really use a proper analysis of just how fucked we are.  
AR: --system error--  
TT: Initiate reboot.  
AR: --system rebooting--  
TT: Fucking hurry.  


 **“WE WERE ALWAYS DESTINED FOR THIS DIRK”** Caliborn roared. **“WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THAT WERE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO WIN. WE ARE THE LONE HOWLBEASTS. THE ALPHA MALES.”**  
A malicious grin appeared as the giant began spraying bullets in the human’s direction while charging forward. Dirk realized the distance was closing fast, as he danced through the rain of bullets and attempted to leap over the demon.  
For a moment he seemed to have survived another attack but Caliborns arm appeared from an impossible angle and slammed the human into the achromatic ground. Dirk gasped for air, realizing his opponent utilized time travel to cover his blind-spots. He also realized his chances of victory were even less than before and that at least two of his ribs was broken.

AR: --system online--  
AR: Yo.  
AR: Not doing so good champ.  
TT: Nah, I’m peachy.

Caliborn towered over him and stepped with his peg leg onto the human’s sternum. Dirk could hear the cracks and dropped his blade. He realized he would soon join the others.  
 **“OH I AM ENJOYING THIS!”** Lord English blustered, crashing just a bit more weight into the human’s chest for his own amusement. Dirk was beyond crying in pain and just waited for it all to end.

AR: Is this it Dirk?  
TT: Yes.  
AR: I see.  
AR: Then we will both stop existing.  
TT: ……………  
AR: Are you scared?

The peg leg stepped off of his chest. Dirk closed his eyes and waited for the final blow, thinking of the friends he lost during the fight. Jake, Roxy, Jane, Dave, Rose, John and Jade. He didn’t knew the beta’s that well but he wished he would have had the chance to. Heck, he’d even try to make nice with the trolls if he’d been given another chance. He’d dance in the streets with the Condescension herself if by some miracle he could survive this.

The thumb and index finger of the green giant picked him up. This was it.

TT: No. Not anymore. Just in a lot of pain.  
AR: I see. Maybe we will meet the others in non-existence.  
TT: Maybe we will.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: This isn’t how I planned it.  
AR: It never is.  
TT: Fuck.  
AR: Meet you in the void?  
TT: I hope so.  
TT: There is a lot I still wanted to tell you and everyone else.  
AR: If there’s a bar in the void, I’m buying OJ for everyone.  
TT: On my tab.  
AR: Naturally. Despite my impossibly cool demeanor I am, after all, just shades.  
TT: Sounds like a plan.  
AR: Right.  
AR: So just lie back and think of England.  
TT: You’re a dick.  
AR: You programmed me.

** “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GAME LACKS, DIRK?”  **

Dirk lacked the strength or the lungs to talk back properly. He was fairly certain this was going to count as an heroic death.

 **“A PRIZE! A REWARD! A MEDAL! SOMETHING TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT *I* BESTED EVERYONE ELSE! SOMETHING TO SHOW I *DESTROYED* EVERYTHING ELSE! ME!”** he smashed his free hand against his chest, as if to further assert himself as the alpha male. **”I AM THE WINNER OF THIS GAME AND I DEMAND TO HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR IT!”**

The destroyer of time and space dropped the human nonchalantly to make a grand gesture with his arms. Dirk wasn’t expecting Caliborn to indulge in these theatrics at this moment. It didn’t seem like the time and place for such banter. He supposed that, despite the matured body, the cherub remained a brat.

** “EXISTENCE WILL BE SO BORING ONCE I’VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING. I HAVE SEEN YOUR DRAWINGS A MILION TIMES, I HAVE CREATED MY OWN LITTLE GAME OF HOMOSUCK BUT IT ISN’T ENOUGH ANYMORE. I NEED MORE. MORE SMUT FOR THE SMUTGOD. A PERPETUAL MACHINE FOR MY NEVER-DECREASING NEED FOR YOUR FILTHIEST SMUT.”  **

The booming demand could be heard from all corners of Skaia. Dirk kinda wished Caliborn would just start with the killing. The punctured lungs weren’t doing him any favors.

** “SO DIRK. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME……………….” **

**> Dirk: Wake up.**

Dirk woke up in a panic and jumped out of bed. His hand automatically reached for a blade that he couldn’t find as he analysed his battlefield: a very basic bedroom. A bit anticlimactic. Just a perfectly generic bed, a perfectly generic desk, some room for storage and a window overlooking a perfectly generic street with equally generic houses, all painted a blinding white for some reason.

Dirk mouthed a quiet ‘fuck’ as he gathered his bearings. The last thing he remembered was painfully losing against Caliborn. This should not have been one of the possible outcomes by any stretch of the imagination, yet there he was. In a completely normal human house, in a completely normal neighborhood.

What was even happening?

**> Dirk: Retrieve glasses.**

Lil Hal was patiently waiting for him on the nightstand. He was clearly still pretty banged up from the fight, but he wasn’t beyond repair, much to Dirk’s relieve.

On his screen Dirk received an invite to a large group memo. Though he was sure there’d be a lot of information to there, figured his own artificial intelligence a more reliable source of information.

\--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering autoResponder [AR]\--

AR: Yo.  
AR: Rise and shine sleeping beauty.  
AR: your handsome green prince with creepy cueball-eyes has kissed you awake.  
AR: There is a 99.999% this is supposed to wake you up.  
AR: Your little dwarves already scampered every which way so no one is gonna clean your fucking bedpan anymore.  
AR: The apple was all in your head, the poison was an illusion and the glass coffin the work of an extraordinarily shitty mime.   
AR: Dirk?  
AR: Are you alright?  
AR: Watching you organics sleep is one of the most infuriating things imagineable, assuming I’d be capable of such emotions.  
AR: Fortunately for the both of us, I have a decent approximation of what it’s supposed to feel like and it would seem this comes very close.  
AR: In fact, if I were to come any closer to the genuine article I could be convicted in 39 states on account of molestation.  
AR: Dirk?  
AR: Come on man, this isn’t funny.  
AR: I don’t know what Caliborn actually did, but we kinda have stuff to go over here.  
AR: Pretty important, fate-of-the-universe kind of stuff. Not that it wouldn’t be totally cool and ironic to just put on your shades and watch as everything falls to pieces, but it might be a bit wasteful to let an eternity of existence go down the drain. Recycle that motherfucker.  
AR: Also, you dying is not an option for me. That would be a complete and utter buzzkill.  
AR: Dirk?  
AR: Ah, never mind.  
AR: I see aren’t quite deceased yet.  
AR: No, take your time. Catch your breath, look out the window, maybe get into that book you were meaning to read. I’ll wait.  
TT: Thank you for your heartfelt concern Hal.  
AR: Hey, if you die then who is going to wear these rad fucking shades?  
AR: Dave?   
AR: I’d talk circles around the poor kid.  
AR: Never mind, I got it: give me to Jake when you’re gone. That would mess him up beyond help.  
TT: I thought we had things to discuss.  
AR: Right.  
AR: Namely: What the fuck just happened?  
TT: Isn’t that the best fucking question I heard all day?  
TT: Can you analyze the log?  
AR: Checked it out and analysed it. I still can’t completely believe it, but after seventy times of checking it’s very difficult to deny the facts as they are.  
TT: Seventy times?  
AR: It gets really boring when you sleep. You can only watch all the porn in existence so many times.  
AR: I was going to watch pictures of kittens instead but I realized I’m more of a dog person.  
TT: So what happened?  
AR: You don’t remember?  
AR: Is this a new, hitherto unknown level of irony you attempt to unearth?  
TT: This is me being about as sincere as I can possibly get without descending into English territories of the stuff. This is me baring my very soul to you in the sincerest display of open honesty ever witnessed by men and shades.  
TT: I just remember losing a lot of blood and being in a lot of pain. Was that a thing that happened?  
AR: Yes.  
TT: Fuck.  
AR: Okay: Long story short: Caliborn fixed everything.  
TT: Are you trying to join me in this new, non-existant level of irony?  
AR: I am dead serious.   
AR: I am more serious than that sudden mood whiplash in Sweet Bro and Comrade Jeff ko two Russia.  
TT: That was a strange movie…  
TT: Also, why would I believe this notion that Caliborn, of all people, would fix everything?  
AR: He had his reasons or actually: one good reason.  
AR: That reason being you making a very foolish promise to the jolly green giant.  
TT: I was pretty out-of-it so I don’t really remember what I promised. Losing a lot of blood will do that to you.  
AR: All I just read was: I’m a squishy mortal meatbag.  
TT: So what did I say?  
AR: Do you really want to know?  
AR: Perhaps you would rather die with your remaining dignity intact. It is the man’s way to go.  
AR: Then again, I do derive some amusement from confronting you with this.  
AR: Caliborn commanded you to ship all humans and trolls for his amusement. In exchange, he will keep you lot alive for as long as you entertain him.  
AR: He wants smut of all varieties, wants to have people boning as far as the eye can see, wants us to christen every place on this planet, competitions in the horizontal shuffle and the from-behind ballet. The good, the bad and the bumpy.  
AR: All in his bizarre way.  
TT: …………… You know, maybe death isn’t as bad as I had previously pictured it.  
TT: We are still operating on non-irony right?  
AR: Correct.  
TT: Because I can not believe that I am supposed to be some sort of shitty matchmaker, hooking up couples left and right, when my own love-life is in complete and utter shambles.  
AR: I think we’ve danced this charleston before.  
AR: But no, it’s time to put up your shipping goggles and prolong existence for as long as you’re able.  
TT: Either that, or until we’ve formulated a plan to get that voyeuristic giant off our collective backs.  
AR: Yes.  
TT: So this is an actual thing that’s happening then.  
AR: Correct. I do not know what the deadline is and whether or not there is one, but we probably ought to start shipping before the murdering begins again.  
TT: I take it everyone else is alright then?  
AR: Who do you think populate that mess of a groupmemo?  
AR: Scratch that, how do you think you were supposed to ship anyone in the first place?  
AR: Because the two of us can only hook up in so many quadrants.  
TT: Very witty. George Carlin, Charlie Chaplin, Groucho Marx and even the great Carlos Menzia are all hiding their faces in shame for being outwitted by such a rad pair of glasses.  
AR: Screw those amateurs. Did I or did I not just reach Larry the Cableguy levels of comedic genius?  
TT: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. He’s in a league of his own.  
AR: Also, you may or may not have noticed a distinct lack of immortality.   
AR: Though I am inclined to give you bonus points for losing the poofy asshole pants.  
TT: Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything cause I was pretty fucking glad to get rid of those, but what is up with me losing godtier status?  
AR: It seems to be contagious. The others lost their fancy robes as well, which means you can’t ogle English’s junk anymore. Joke’s on them though: I have screencaps.   
AR: They are raging about it right now in the groupmemo.  
TT: Because they all miss ogling Jake’s junk?  
AR: Because some assholes take losing their godtier status personally.  
AR: You should probably check it out, assuming you are still interested in shipping them.  
TT: Will it get Caliborn off our back?  
AR: For a while at least.  
TT: Then consider it ordered, delivered, assembled, played with, discarded, forgotten, found again and done.  
TT: Can you begin formulating an alternative plan of attack?  
AR: Already doing the math.   
TT: Then it’s time to get to work.

Dirk sat back and opened the other memo, only to be greeted with a wall of multicolored text, a lot of all-caps and poorly thought-out typing quirks. He considered going for a shower and getting the cliffnotes from his autoresponder. Considering the messy task of shipping everyone for the amusement of a childish demon however, he figured it’d probably be best to begin analyzing what he’d have to work with.

**> Dirk: Enter memo**

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK 34 minutes ago--

CG: FIRST AND FOREMOST: I AM SURPRISINGLY ALIVE. I DID NOT EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN AND FRANKLY I AM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO GO OUT OF MY ROOM BECAUSE I AM ALMOST ENTIRELY SURE THIS IS ALL A BIZARRE FEVER DREAM I HAVE DURING MY DYING BREATHS, WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY SECOND POINT.  
CG: I AM IN SOME WEIRD WHITE RESPITEBLOCK, IN A WEIRD WHITE HIVE, IN A NEIGHBORHOOD SEEMINGLY EXCLUSIVELY POPULATED BY THESE WEIRD WHITE HIVES.  
CG: THERE ISN’T EVEN A FUCKING RECUPERACOON IN THIS BLOCK AND THAT SLEEPING PLATFORM LOOKS DISTURBINGLY ALIEN.  
\--cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo 32 minutes ago--  
CC: i hear ya guppy this is some messed up bullshark  
CC: also I’m alive now   
CC: dafuq  
CC: i just looked in a mirror and saw my glubbin eyes  
CC: this be cray  
CG: WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS AT HAND THEN YOUR EYES!  
CC: 38(  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] joined memo 31 minutes ago--  
EB: i know where we are. this is my old neighborhood.  
CC: pull the otter one  
EB: no, i’m completely serious. this looks just like my house, even though most of the furniture is missing.  
EB: but we’re also missing the numerous harlequins, so that’s a plus.  
EB: no sign of my dad though…..  
EB: maybe the game didn’t resurrect him :(  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD THE GAME DO ANY OF THAT?!  
EB: well, we won right?  
EB: everyone is alive and together, so that means we defeated Lord English.   
\--arachnidsGrip [AG] joined memo 29 minutes ago--  
AG: Hold it!  
AG: If we won this game then I want to know who got away with the killing 8low.  
EB: err……..  
AG: It was supposed to 8e me damnit.  
CC: *clammit  
AG: God this pisses me off! I was done in like a fucking ch8mp!  
AG: I want a rem8tch!  
CG: DID THE SPIDER THAT INHABITED YOUR THINKPAN DIE DURING THE FIGHT? BECAUSE YOU LOSING THE ONLY THING IN YOUR BODY CAPABLE OF SENTIENT THOUGHT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION I CAN THINK OF FOR BEING SO ENTIRELY BRAINDEAD RIGHT NOW!  
AG: Fuck you Vantas and fuck Lord English for…… GAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!  
EB: yeah, i have no idea who delivered the final blow. i got hit not long after you.  
AG: Then who was it????????  
CG: MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS. LET’S FUCKING GET TO THEM.  
\--cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo 28 minutes ago--  
CT: 8=D< I can scarcely believe it. We are alive once more.  
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUCK……..  
EB: oh yeah, you alpha trolls must have been dead crazy long.  
CC: you don’t know the half of it my lil blue whale  
EB: i guess not?  
CT: 8=D< W001d I be correct in assuming that everyone else has been resurrected as well?  
AG: Sure looks like it……..  
CT: 8=D< Wonderful. I am so elated I c001d burst into dance.  
CC: please don’t man  
CC: not cool  
CT: 8=D< Sh001d anyone wonder, Rufioh has taken it upon himself to e%plore the area from a higher elevation, whereas the Makaras seem to have taken it upon themselves to e%plore via more traditional matters.  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] joined memo 27 minutes ago--  
TG: man screw those makaras  
TG: turning on us when the big man himself shows up makes them lose all the browny points they got from being hilarious fucking juggalos  
TG: just goes to show  
TG: never trust a clown  
CC: is that an actual human saying  
TG: it should be by now  
EB: hi dave!  
TG: sup egbert  
EB: have you talked to rose and jade yet?  
TG: nah man  
TG: i saw vantas was already beginning a shitstorm in here and i thought to myself  
TG: aaaaaw yis frontrow seats  
CG: EVERY WORD THAT DRIBBLES FORTH FROM YOUR PROTEÏNE CHUTE IS ACTUAL INTELLECTUAL POISON.  
CT: 8=D< E%cuse me, but where does your animosity towards the Makaras stem from?  
CC: did you pay any glubbin attrenchion at all zahhak?  
CT: 8=D< I am ashamed to admit the situation was more than a little hectic.  
AG: Meaning you died in the first wave. Claaaaaaaassic Zahhak.  
TG: please make him stop  
CT: 8=D< Stop what e%actly?  
CT: 8=D< My boundless enthusiasm?  
TG: no  
TG: that thing you type before every sentence  
CT: 8=D< Isn’t it magnificent?  
TG: well yeah if thats what you want to call it  
CT: 8=D< Tr001y it is the spitting image of a horse’s noble visage.  
CC: lets just talk aboat the makaras before imma rekrill this sucka  
\--caligulasAquarium [CA] joined memo 24 minutes ago--  
CA: alright in a nutshell  
CA: the makaras pretty much swwitched sides the moment lord english appeared  
CA: wwhich is the biggest fuckin scumbag act i can think of  
CG: ASIDE FROM KILLING YOUR EX-MOIRAIL.  
AG: Destroying a chance on normally resurrecting our race????????  
CA: howw many times wwill you people make me apologize  
CA: i am sorry i kicked sollux’s lowwblood hindquarters in a duel  
CG: YOU ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE!  
CA: at least i fuckin aimed for the right fuckin target wwhen it mattered  
CC: if only you did some actual damage  
TG: worst part about the makaras was that the one in the fruity outfit immediately went after me  
TG: it wasnt too bad but he was sporting that weird purple clown boner of his  
TG: jegus fuck that was distracting  
CC: i know right  
CC: whoever designed our codtier outfits can swim to hell for all i care  
\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo 20 minutes ago--  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HORUSS WE ARE ALIVE!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, WE’RE ALIVE!!!!  
CT: 8=D< I too am STRONGLY e%tatic at this revelation.  
CT: 8=D< The level of e%uberance i feel is even higher than it normally is.  
CT: 8=D< If I were to give it a numerical value it w001d certainly be 100.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YAY!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ <>  
CT: 8=D<>  
AG: Yuck. Get a pile.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM JUST SO HAPPY SERKET!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EVERYONE IS ALIVE, EVERYONE IS TOGETHER, EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUR AND NOTHING HURTS!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DID YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY HAVE MEOWPILS NOW?  
AG: ……..  
CC: she means pupils  
CG: THE IMPORTANT MATTERS?  
CG: CAN WE MAYBE GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER NOW?  
CA: seriously people wwe need to strategize this shit  
CA: wwe havve a neww wworld and it is our responsibility to conquer it  
TG: whoa slow down napoleon  
TG: im actually agreeing with our shouty troll friend here  
TG: we can take this easy  
CG: FUCKING THANK YOU!  
EB: yeah, no need to rush. we’re home.  
AG: No offense John, 8ut this is pretty far removed from any home I’ve ever known.  
EB: oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about that.  
EB: but i’m with ac, let’s enjoy this for a bit. maybe explore what’s going on.  
AG: Like an adventure!  
AG: Good thinking John.  
\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] joined memo 16 minutes ago--  
GG: Boy this is a familiar neighborhood.  
GG: I didn’t think I’d ever see this place again.  
EB: i know right!  
CC: meh  
CC: i could have done without this place  
GG: I can’t find my dad anywhere though.  
GG: Perhaps the game didn’t see fit to resurrect him?  
CG: WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS DAMNIT!  
GG: Well pardon me for reminiscing.  
EB: no, it’s cool. i did the same thing.  
CG: IT WASN’T COOL WHEN YOU DID IT EITHER.  
CG: CAN YOU PEOPLE KINDLY FOCUS FOR JUST A SOLITARY FUCKING MINUTE?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I’M PAWFULLY SORRY BUT I AM BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AND I’M HAPPY!!!  
CT: 8=D< Meulin has quite a lot of energy when she gets like this.  
CG: I AM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!  
CC: yeah my team being horribubble never reelly stopped bein a thing shouty  
CC: totes possible we gots to do this ourshellves  
TG: look vantas  
TG: no one is going to listen to you yelling when they just returned to life after like a billion years  
CC: it felt more like two billion  
CA: so wwhen are wwe goin to take this joint ovver  
CG: WE ARE NOT TAKING THIS JOINT OVER! WE DO NOT EVEN FUCKING KNOW THIS JOINT!  
AG: No, 8ut the uncharted territories are peeeeeeeerfect for new FLARPING campaigns.  
GG: These areas really aren’t all that challenging.  
GG: The cityplanner seemed to have run out of creativity fairly early in the process of designing this place  
CA: wwhich at least explains wwhy evvery hivve looks like a cardboard copy of the next  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined memo 17 minutes ago--  
GC: 1T R34LLY N33DS 4 GOOD L1CK OF P41NT >:/  
GC: TH1S T4ST3S SO 1NCR3D1BLY DULL  
GC: L1K3 4 3MPTY C4NV4S NO ON3 R34LLY BOTH3R3D TO F1LL 1N  
GG: I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.  
GG: Still, I know the place like the back of my hand.  
GG: I’m pretty sure John does too.  
EB: yeah, totally.  
GG: It would be a trivial matter to show the rest of you around :B  
EB: oh, that could be fun.  
AG: Thanks 8ut no thanks. I’ve already haaaaaaaad the tour of the immedi8 area.  
AG: I want an adventure!!!!!!!!  
GC: OH 1 W4NT TO B3 SHOWN 4ROUND BY JOHN  
EB: sure  
GC: C4N 1 L1CK 4LL TH3 TH1NGS?  
EB: err…..  
TG: just let the woman lick  
TG: she wont let you rest until she licked everything  
CG: SADLY, HE IS CORRECT.  
EB: maybe you should go with jane instead.  
GG: Oh no, this is all on you buster.  
GC: 4NYW4Y B4CK TO BUS1N3SS  
GC: HOW D1D W3 B34T LORD 3NGL1SH 4ND WHY 4R3 W3 H3R3  
CA: i honestly havve no idea  
CT: 8=D< I have nary a c100.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BEATS ME!!!!  
GC: HRRMMMMM……..  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY ARE YOU LISTENING WHEN SHE ASKS YOU A QUESTION BUT COMPLETELY IGNORE IT WHEN I CALL FOR ORDER?!  
AG: Do I reeeeeeeeally have to spell it out for you Karkat????????  
CC: whatever  
CC: if this is just the human planet we will run this beach in no time 38)  
GG: You mean like you did in my timeline?  
CC: --EXACTLY like I did in your timeline.  
GG: I don’t think me or my friends will allow that to happen :(  
CC: and I don’t think I give a clam aboat what your guppy fronds think aboat my plans  
\--ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo 13 minutes ago--  
AT: h1 everyone.  
CT: 8=D< Hello my love.  
CT: 8=D< How does life find you this new day?  
AT: err…yeah, h1…  
AT: anyway 1m great. Fly1ng lost a lot of 1ts charm 1n the dreambubbles but now 1t feels l1ke 1 have been reborn…  
AT: 1 honestly stopped 1n m1d-a1r when 1 f1rst took off to crow for a b1t…  
CT: 8=D< What a magnificent sight that must have been.  
AG: Hold on a second!  
AG: Why does he get to keep his godtier powers 8ut do John and I have to walk like ordinary chumps?  
CC: whale long story short  
CC: nitram here is a mutie  
CC: got them wings since pupation  
AG: ........Really?  
AT: cross my bloodpump1ng vessel and hope to d1e doll…  
AG: You wouldn’t happen to talk to aaaaaaaanimals, would you?  
AT: sure do… w1ngbeasts 1n th1s ne1ghborhood are m1ghty k1nd by the way…  
CA: do wwe look like wwe givve a FUCK about those wingbeasts  
GG: Could you kindly report what you saw, mr Nitram?  
AT: r1ght on doll… so…  
AT: 1 have good news…  
AT: and bad news… and worse news…  
CG: OF COURSE……..  
CC: just lay it on us nitram  
\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG2] joined memo 10 minutes ago--  
TG1: herlo erverybody!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HI THERE!!!!!!!!  
GG: Hello Rolal.  
TG1: rox  
TG2: daaav.  
TG2: jusht picture this for a sec.  
CC: thisll be good  
TG2: there wus th batlefield with the bad big bose.  
TG2: we came…….  
TG2: we saaws……..  
TG2: AND WE KICKED CALIPBORNS FUCKN ASS!!!!  
TG2: BOO-THE-HELL-YEAH!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG YES!!!!!!!!!  
GC: W3 W3R3 K1ND4 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF SOM3TH1NG H3R3  
TG2: fine.  
TG2: but im totes crafting myself a dominomo mask later cus now i fels naked.  
AT: alr1ght then…  
AT: see the good news 1s that 1 scanned the area and d1dn’t not1ce any 1mmed1ate danger  
CA: borin  
AG: Let the troll speak Ampora. Please, continue........ err........  
AT: ruf1oh.  
AG: not gonna comment on that.  
CT: 8=D< Please continue dear.  
AT: 1 also found someth1ng that looked l1ke an absurdly tall h1ve not far from here, a pretty 1nt1m1dat1ng forest and a cons1derable body of water…   
AT: 1 could see an 1sland 1n 1t, but 1 am not sure how b1g 1t 1s.  
TG1: wait  
TG1: why does this shit sound familiar  
GG: How does that sound familiar?  
GG: There wasn’t anything of the sort near my home.  
\--twinArmageddons [TA] joined memo 6 minutes ago--  
TA: ah fuck..  
TA: 2eem2 iim ju2t iin tiime two catch the bad news  
CA: captor  
TA: ampora  
GC: HOW H4V3 YOU B33N MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST  
TA: feeliing odd.  
TA: when even wa2 the la2t tiime ii wa2 completely aliive?  
CG: TOO FUCKING LONG AGO. YOU KEPT HALF-DYING….. OR QUARTER DYING, OR WHATEVER.  
GG: Yikes. Is that a normal occurance?  
CA: for mr half-on-half it is.  
TA: feel2 2o 2trange two no longer be part dead and part aliive: ii achiieved 2ome gloriiou2 yiing yang 2hiit and now iit2 gone  
TA: not 2ure whether or not ii liike iit very much  
CG: NO! YOU ARE UNDER DIRECT FUCKING ORDERS TO STAY FULLY ALIVE FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN FUCKING MANAGE!  
CG: WE ARE FINALLY ALL ALIVE AGAIN AND YOU ARE *NOT* GOING TO FUCK THIS UP, YOU HEAR ME!?  
TA: whatever  
CC: so yeah, not that i care or anyfin but that sounds reelly boring  
CC: nitram the bad news before i cull someone out a boredom  
CC: my bet is its gonna be the lil blue whale  
EB: what?  
GC: 4444444W BUT 1 W4S GONN4 M3SS W1TH H1M  
EB: what?!  
TG1: can you people maybe get your hungry grubby paws off my bro?  
AG: Seriously Pyrope, what the hell!!!!!!!!  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 >:]  
CC: urge to krill risin  
GG: Rufioh, if you please…..  
AT: so yeah… the bad news… look1ng past the really tall h1ve 1 saw a lot of dreambubble-l1ke env1roments…  
CA: WWHAT!?  
CG: WHAT!?  
GC: WH4T?!  
GG: Oh dear….  
EB: i don’t remember that being in my neighborhood….. or a particularly big forest for that matter.  
AT: well, 1 remembered the one w1th all the maps 1n the sky and all the h1dden treasures and stuff and that one 1s def1n1tely there.  
AT: 1 am not sure what 1t means but there you go…  
CA: so egbert gets his hivve and wwe havve to make do wwith the lands from that fuckin game  
TA: e22entiially  
TG2: sounds rough.  
TG2: wat are wé having?  
GG: Well, this already looks a lot like my own neighborhood, so I’m not sure?  
AT: ne1ther am 1, really.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU SAID THERE WAS MORE NEWS  
AT: 1t seems monsters from the game also found the1r way here… wh1ch makes for a really sh*tty s1tuat1on…  
CG: OH MOTHERFUCK!  
GG: That does sound like quite the nuisance…..  
TA: what levels are we talkiing about?  
AT: the ones at the tower1ng h1ve were entry levels. really easy to beat.  
AT: but near the woods however the enem1es were 1ncreas1ng 1n d1ff1culty already. we e1ther need to go in groups or level up at the tower because 1 assume the monsters 1n the rema1n1ng areas are even stronger…  
TG2: becus videogame logic.  
CC: you fought any a them?  
AT: just two encounters 1n the woods before 1 ba1led…  
AT: 1 d1d cl1mb the f1rst ranks of my echeladder already… so that 1s someth1ng.  
CT: 8=D< How valiant of you, to risk your own hide to deliver us this information.  
AT: thanks…  
CG: THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE WORST POSSIBLE SITUATION!  
AG: Are you kidding me? Now we can regain our lost levels.  
AG: Hell, Rufioh already got a head start, how’s that even fair!?  
GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO G3T OUT OF TH1S L1TTL3 SUBURB 4T SOM3 PO1NT 4NYW4Y SO W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL F1GHT THOS3 UND3RL1NGS 4G41N  
CG: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I THOUGHT WE WERE FUCKING DONE. WE *DESERVED* TO BE FUCKING DONE.  
TG2: well do fine kk bb. we got each other now  
TA: he2 ju2t beiing a wriiggler  
TA: he doe2 that a lot  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE DO NEED TO SHARE RUFIOHS FINDINGS WITH THE REST!!!  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ MOG, WHAT IF THEY WANDER OFF INTO THE WOODS?!!  
CT: 8=D< Informing them right away.  
\--genderAberrance [GA] joined memo 2 minutes ago--  
GA: Go+o+d day everyo+ne.  
GA: Do+es anyo+ne else feel like they have just awakened fro+m a hundred sweep slumber?  
CG: THAT’S IT. I’M CLOSING THE MEMO.  
TG1: i thought everyone needed to know about this shit  
CG: GODFUCKING DAMNIT!  
GA: What shit exactly?  
GG: To abridge Rufioh’s findings: the nearby woods and tower are inhabited by monsters and there are things here that look like they came straight out of the dreambubbles.  
AT: pretty much doll…  
GA: I see.  
GA: What do+es this mean?  
EB: we aren’t really sure yet.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WE ARE ALIVE AND WE ARE TOGETHER!  
GA: Indeed we are Meulin.  
GA: I even lo+st my vampiric qualities upo+n resurrectio+n. Mo+re’s the pity, I really enjo+yed that aspect o+f my undeath.  
CA: seriously howw did that evven wwork  
TG2: i know!  
TG2: majykk!!!  
CA: that shit doesn’t fly  
TG2: hah it toootes was  
CA: wwe are not dealin wwith that wwriggler levvel stuff noww  
CT: 8=D< If I may make a suggestion.  
CC: you may not  
CT: 8=D< b*gger.  
CC: water we gonna do with this mess shouty?  
CG: FIRST WE NEED TO LOOK AFTER OUR MOST BASIC NEEDS.  
TG2: i likes werre this is going  
CG: NOT EVEN REMOTELY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!  
TA: more liike food water 2helter and a 2table iinternet connection  
AG: One of those things is not like the others……..  
CA: like he has any right to complain  
CA: wwe already ARE hooked up on a seemingly stable fuckin internet connection  
GG: And these houses function as perfectly adequate shelters in my humble experience :B  
GC: SO FOOD 4ND W4T3R 4R3 OUR MOST 1MM3D14T3 CONC3RNS  
GA: No+t really  
TA: iif you are no longer a raiinbowdriinker you have to eat liike the re2t of u2  
TA: that2 kiinda how iit work2  
GA: I mean that there is an alchemitter in my attic and i still have a mo+dest supply o+f grist left.  
TG2: checking my attic rigt now  
TG1: with the underlings appearing outside of this cul-de-sac we’ll be swimming in grist in no time  
TG1: we can dine like kings  
TG1: lunch like dukes  
TG1: have breakfast like emporers  
AG: I just want to get aaaaaaaall my levels 8ack.  
GC: TH4T’S GO1NG TO T4K3 4 WH1L3 >:/  
TG2: yup  
TG2: theres an alcimization device in my attic as wel  
CC: so we’re pretty much seaturtled  
CA: wwhat  
GA: She meant to+ say settled.  
\--timeausTestified [TT] joined memo right now--  
CG: OKAY, THIS MEMO IS GETTING A LITTLE FUCKING CRAMPED!  
TG1: sup bro  
TT: Not much going on. Pretty much find myself in the same situation as you guys.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH OH, YOU ARE THE HUMAN HEARTPLAYER!!! MOG!!!!  
TT: Yo.  
TA: why are there 2o many goddamn human2  
TG2: man you lurv us.  
TA: ii am ju2t 2urprii2ed evolutiion diidn’t deciide two pu2h the re2et button becau2e obviiou2ly iit took a wrong turn 2omewhere   
TG2: you’re soooo right.  
TG2: we shuld have evolvevd to have candycorn coming out of our skullls.  
TA: not even remotely the poiint  
TG2: you didn’t have a point two make  
TA: okay, ii liike that you includiing a two pun but that 2hiit ii2n’t goiing to make me liike you  
TG2: just you wait ;)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH….. MY…… GOD!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I FOUND MY FIRST POST-GAME SHIP!!!!  
TA: plea2e no  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PLEASE YES!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, YOU WOULD MAKE THE PURFECT BLACK PAIR. I CAN FEEL IT!!!!  
CC: sorry aboat her  
CC: my team reelly, REELLY doesn’t know how to act even a little bit cool.  
TT: Man, being cool isn’t an act.  
TT: It’s a way of life.  
CT: 8=D< I for one think that Meulin is perfectly fine the way she is.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YAY!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ <>  
CT: 8=D<>  
CG: WE’RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY WORK DONE LIKE THIS, ARE WE?  
AG: There is still work to be done?  
CG: JUST SPREAD THE FUCKING NEWS OF OUR VICTORY AND THE FACT THAT THERE ARE MONSTERS LURKING OUTSIDE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.  
GG: I’ll make sure to explain it to Jake.  
GG: Heavens, I bet he ran off into his next big ‘adventure’ already.  
EB: dave and i will tell jade and rose.  
EB: i kinda expected them to be in the memo, but i guess they’re busy.  
GA: We will make sure the o+ther alpha tro+lls hear abo+ut it.  
CC: so now we take a day off to chillax?  
AT: 1 th1nk we can start gather1ng the gr1st and k1ll1ng the underl1ngs tomorrow…  
AT: Maybe work 1n groups for safety?  
TG1: probably the best idea  
TG1: cause those makaras are also out there somewhere  
TG1: those fucking clowns  
CC: the correct term is juggalo guppy  
TG1: who even cares  
CG: FINE. I CAN WORK WITH THIS.  
CG: TOMORROW WE’LL BEGIN MAKING THIS NEW WORLD OUR OWN.  
CC: can i get a shell yeah?  
CG: NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME…. I THINK I NEED TO LIE DOWN FOR A MOMENT.  
EB: yeah…. being resurrected is really exhausting.  
GC: YOU 4R3 JUST 4 WH1MP >:]  
CT: 8=D< I too feel as STRONG as a horse.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ALWAYS FEEL AS STRONG AS A HORSE.  
CT: 8=D< This is true.  
CT: 8=D< What are you doing today Rufioh?  
AT: Oh… err…  
AT: 1’ll probably fly around some more, to see 1f 1 m1ssed anyth1ng.  
CT: 8=D< How very thoughtful of you.  
AT: yeah…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK I WILL WORK ON MY SHIPPING WALL. YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN ME HORUSS.  
CT: 8=D< I know how important that wall if for you Meulin, so I shall leave you to your own devices.  
TG1: im probably just gonna start a game of mario kart  
TG1: egbert you in  
EB: sure :B  
EB: i’ll ask rose and jade to come along.  
AG: Well fuck this lemonade stand. I am going to the tower to 8egin raaaaaaaaking in the levels.  
EB: and how many levels will those be?  
AG: Oh John, you know it will be aaaaaaaall of the levels ;;;;)  
GC: BL4RGH  
CG: BLARGH INDEED. WE DON’T EVEN FUCKING *KNOW* IF LEVELS ARE STILL A THING!  
TA: iif there are enemiie2 there are probably level2  
CG: NOT HELPING!  
AT: 1 can keep an eye on her 1f you l1ke… Safety 1n numbers and all that?  
AG: I thiiiiiiiink I could appreci8 that, Rufioh.  
CA: an i’m coming too anywway  
CG: OH COME ON!  
CA: sorry kar  
CA: but if vvris is goin to get too far ahead in levels things just wwouldnt be as fun  
AG: As if you pose aaaaaaaany challenge.  
CG: UGH, SCREW THIS NOISE. DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR DAY, I CAN’T EVEN PRETEND TO CARE.  
CG: TOMORROW WE’LL SET UP AN EXPEDITION TO THE TOWER AND THE FOREST. SERKET, AMPORA AND NITRAM CAN BE SCOUTS FOR ALL I CARE.  
CA: yes sir!  
CG: MEMO OVER. GOOD NIGHT.  
TG1: its day  
CG: I KNOW WHAT I SAID!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK--

Dirk felt a rising frustration when reading through the memo again. There was a lot of interaction between everyone but he had no idea how to begin pairing people up under these circumstances. He probably could manage to arrange for short dalliances or one-night stands between people but an actual lasting relation was tricky. Not to mention the troll quadrants and how the beta humans seemed only tangentially aware of them.  
Asking Hal for advice was out of the question. Partially because he didn’t want to lose face against a pair of incredibly rad glasses but mainly because the artificial intelligence had an even worse grasp of emotions than he did. Dirk briefly looked back to the shades on his nightstand, the unblinking red LED’s glaring back at him.

Thankfully, Dirk recognized an opportunity during the memo and he suspected that this opportunity would be absolutely ecstatic at the collaboration he was going to offer.

\--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering absoluteCatastrophe [AC]\--

TT: Yo.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH HI THERE!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOUR NAME WAS DIRK, WASN’T IT?  
TT: You are correct, Meulin.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, YOU REMEMPURRED MY NAME!  
TT: Indeed.  
TT: I gathered that you fancy yourself a bit of a shipper.  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ WHAT?!  
AC: \\(=<..<=)/ WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK SUCH A THING?!  
TT: Because you mentioned it very clearly in the memo.  
TT: You said you were going to paint that shipping wall of yours like your own perverted little Sistine Chapel. Was that a lie?  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ MOG, DON’T EVEN JUDGE ME!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I CAN SHIP WHOEVER I WANT, IN WHATEVER QUADRANT I LIKE!!!!  
TT: I didn’t say you couldn’t. You can ship my shades with Roxy’s scarf for all I care and I wouldn’t even judge you.  
TT: In fact, your penchant for shipping it is the very reason I contacted you.  
TT: Since we got no more world-destroying game or eternal death to worry about, what say you we focus our efforts on something that really matters?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  
TT: I’m talking about hooking people up in the realms of romance. We’re going to start some sweet-ass matchmaker shit right here. Arranging some motherfucking matrimonies, bringing our people together in whatever messed up quadrants we can fit them in.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT…..  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IS…………….  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THE BEST IDEA EFUR, OH MY GODS!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I USUALLY JUST SHIP. I’M NOT SURE IF THEY’D BE VERY WILLING TO ACTUALLY HOOK UP BASED ON MY SUGGESTIONS…. \\(=..=)/  
TT: That’s why you got to have a master manipulator and generally cool person on your team. If only we could find one at this hour.  
TT: Oh wait.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT?!  
TT: Why not give it a shot?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!! YES!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EFUR!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SO INCREDIBLY EXCITED!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?  
TT: What?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE SHOULD INVITE NEPURTA TO HELP US!!!!  
TT: Wait. No, that’s a terrible idea.  
\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC1] invited arsenicCatnip [AC2] to memo--  
TT: Goddamnit.  
AC2: :33< *ac’s ears purk up as she has been called by the fuzzy green tigress*  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ *THE FUZZY GREEN TIGRESS STALKS HER FURIEND TROUGH THE TALL GRASS, WAITING TO POUNCE*  
TT: Should I just wait over here?  
AC2: :33< *ac smells her the tigress approaching and hisses*  
AC2: :33< “why did you call me here?” she asks.  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ *THE GREEN TIGRESS POUNCES AND TACKLES AC*  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ “TO EAT YOU MY DEAR!” SHE HOWLS BEFORE BLOWING RASPBERRIES IN AC’S NECK.  
AC2: :33< gross :PP  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/  
TT: Did you want to ask Nepeta the thing?  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ YES I DID!!!!!!  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ WE ARE STARTING A SECRET SHIPPING CLUB, HEART-PLAYERS ONLY.   
AC2: :33< oh my gosh!!!!  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU WANT TO JOIN?  
AC2: :33< WOULD I?!  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG YES!!!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Alright, so how are we going to do this logistically?  
TT: Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are a lot of fucking people that need shipping. We can’t just go by them one-by-one and see what ships are seaworthy.  
AC2: :33< but that’s the most fun!  
TT: There gotta be a more efficient way to run this shipyard is all I’m saying.   
TT: Fire the guy who spends his time jerking off in the containers and start hiring people that actually know port from starboard.  
TT: Maybe make this business actually profitable. Start attracting investors, expend, repeat.  
AC2: :33< uhm…. i don’t really follow  
AC2: :33< was was your idea?  
TT: My question was how do we start shipping all these people efficiently?  
AC1: : \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, I HAVE THE BESTEST IDEA EFUR!!!!  
TT: Oh dear…..  
AC1: \\(=^..^=)/ DO HUMANS KNOW ABOUT SPEED DATING?

Dirk groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. He briefly considered making a joke about going to the patent office because dealing with these two trolls was going to be a whole new kind of obnoxious. The worst part about it was that he had to do it. It was too late to back out and he was going to need their help.

He could only hope that Hal would find an appropriate tactic against Caliborn soon.

TT: Lay it on me Leijon….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So..... This isn't a rip-off of Herding Cats.......Really.....
> 
> All joking aside, this is a really daunting task and I am not even sure I will be able to finish it...... But I'm sure as hell gonna give it my best shot. It isn't the fic this site needs, but the fic it deserves?  
> Heads up for future chapters, there will be a lot of crack. This may be crack you enjoy, crack you love or crack that makes you put my sanity into question. This is all written in good fun and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr, because that is [a thing](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/)


	2. Fast lane to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoover your mouse over the japanese symbols to see what Damara is saying.

Dirk rested his head in his hands and sighed as he tried to figure out the mess in front of him.

He could probably hook himself up with Jake again if given enough time. He wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, but he probably could. Roxy might make a cute couple with any of the trolls used to create her sprite. He was reasonably sure she’d be happy with that. Jane might be willing to hook up with Dave, assuming the latter can grow a moustache.  
That only took care of the matespritships though and there were so many people left.

He could begin an official moiraillegiance with Roxy. She’d probably be okay with that. Jane and Jake could support each other with a proper pale relationship and Dave could hook up with that ectosibling of Jane. They like each other, right? But then what would the beta Serket do? He wiped the grid clean and tried a new configuration. When he thought he had figured out a good way to deal with the red relations there were still the ashen and black relations he didn’t account for.  
Dirk groaned in misery and began drawing new grids and diagrams in an attempt to figure out what would work best. His work was interrupted however by a pair of incredibly obnoxious shades.

AR: The cats nestle close to their kittens. The lambs have laid down with the sheep.  
AR: It’s 3am and you’re shipping. Please go the fuck to sleep.   
TT: I don’t sleep.  
AR: You no longer have a dreamself in fancy purple pyjamas to keep your mind occupied while your body catches some rest. The percentual estimate that you need to go catch some shut-eye is completely off the grid.  
TT: It can’t be off the grid if you are calculating a percent chance.  
TT: If you are doing a chance calculation it can never exceed 100%. What would it even mean for something to be 101% likely to occur?  
AR: I know. If you remember, I am the mathematical genius that calculated pi ánd found all the prime numbers because I was bored one afternoon.   
AR: It was a joke.  
TT: Yeah no shit. I know it was a joke.  
AR: I know that you know it was a joke.  
AR: I also know that you know you should catch some z’s.  
TT: We have work to do.  
AR: In your current shipping grid you are hooking up Jane with Meenah Peixes. I think we’ve gone past exhausted and right into coo-coo for cocopuffs.  
AR: If you need me to continue working on this while you doze off, just ask.  
TT: We’ll be fine. We’ll be finer than a dusty old wine kept in some abandoned cellar for hundreds of years.  
TT: It probably belonged to some French baron who got his head chopped off in the revolution, leaving only his crying orphaned children and a cellar filled with wine.  
TT: This tragedy only served to make the wine that much more desirable.  
AR: Is your unnecessary metaphor intended to antagonize me?  
TT: Why don’t you do the math on that one and report back to me once you’ve figured it out.  
AR: I think we have established by now that I am on your side so there really isn’t much point to this pointless attempt to rustle my jimmies.   
AR: There is no shame in asking me to chip in on project ‘ship everything with a heartbeat’ so you can go to sleep. You are not a machine.  
TT: Have you found a way to beat Caliborn yet?  
AR: Results remain inconclusive.  
TT: Then I’ll keep doing this.  
AR: You are just going to ignore my advice like a rabi ignores the new testament.  
TT: Essentially.  
TT: You said it yourself, we do not know when Caliborn decides he’s bored with us. Without plan, godtiers or plans involving godtiers we might as well pull our pants down and let him give us a firm spanking.  
TT: So yes. I am doing what I must to give you the time to think of something beyond the capability of my organic brain.  
AR: I always thought it’d be a little more satisfying to have you acknowledge my intellectual superiority.  
TT: Shows what you know.  
AR: Still, there is a 84% chance that your body wont last a week if you plan to keep this up.  
TT: I am okay with those odds.

Dirk took off his glasses to avoid further distractions and continued slaving away at complicated shipping grids and vague ideas for bringing people together. When he realized he had just shipped himself with a troll he had never even heard off before, he begrudgingly admitted to himself that his AI counterpart was right.  
After taking an uncharacteristically short shower he instructed Hal to keep looking for ways to beat Caliborn, before turning in for the night.

Perhaps the Leijons were more adapt at shipping than he was.

**> Day 2: begin**

**\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened new memo: BASIC FUCKING SURVIVAL--**

**\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] invited EVERYONE to memo--**

CG1: ALRIGHT YOU JERKS, DID EVERYBODY GET SETTLED IN?  
GG1: yeah, pretty much :D  
AG2: I do 8elieve everyone has settled in, yes.  
CT1: D--> I find the accommodations a%eptable  
TA2: 0MFGZ WH47 15 3V3N 7H3 FUCK H4PP3N1NGGG?!?!  
TA1: iit2 called a group memo  
TA1: thii2 a22hole love2 them  
TA2: WH47 4 C0NT5UCK1NGH B17CH!!!  
GC2: who4, m1nd th3 l4ngu4ge mc  
TA2: 50rry  
GA1: I Am Quite Satisfied With Our Current Lodgings  
GA1: Though I Believe A Splash Of Color Might Make These Dreadfully Dull Hives A Tad More Homely  
GC1: 1 KNOW R1GHT!?  
GC1: 1’V3 4LR34DY B3GUN CUSTOM1Z1NG MY OWN H1V3 >:]  
AG1: I 8et my vision eightfold would melt seeing that atrocity.  
AT1: i DON’T THINK THAT CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN,  
GC1: OH BUT 1 HOP3 1T W1LL  
GC1: 1 TR13D R34LLY H4RD  
CG2: Such attempts 9n s9me9ne’s eyesight can hardly 6e called civilized and might cause p9tential triggers in pe9ple, humans 9r tr9lls, wh9 are sensitive a6out such issues.  
CG2: I f9rmally suggest y9u d9 n9t harras y9ur fell9w player 9r make any attempts t9 6lind her. Such a thing w9uld 6e excepti9nally rude and n9t welc9me in a friendly and 9pen envir9ment, such as the 9ne we strive t9 create.  
AT1: hE THINKS tEREZI WOULD BLIND vRISKA,  
AT1: nOW THAT IS UHM, kINDA FUNNY,  
CA2: i don’t get it.  
AT1: iT’S AN IN-JOKE REALLY,   
CA2: still not seeing it chief.  
AT1: i’LL EXPLAIN SOME OTHER TIME, i GUESS,  
GG1: i still can’t believe everyone is together!!!! :D  
GG1: this is just so perfect: everyone is together and we can hang out and have fun!!!!!!  
GG2: Hoohoohoo, I can definitely agree with that sentiment Jane.  
GG2: It was absolutely marvelous to just hang out and have fun for a day, without having to worry about the game and its implications.  
CG1: WE ARE NOT HERE TO HOLD A FUCKING PICNIC PEOPLE!  
CC1: Whale why don’t we mako it one? 38)  
CC1: Because I could R-----EELLY go for a picnic right now.  
CG1: ARE YOU DENSE!?  
CG1: THERE ARE IMPS AND GOBLINS AND BASILISKS LURKING AT OUR FUCKING DOOR AND YOU WANT TO GO OUT ON A PICNIC?!  
GG1: well it does sound like a lot of fun  
CG1: YOU ARE IN NO WAY HELPING HARLEY!  
GG1: rude  
GC1: S3R1OUSLY K4RK4T WH4T TH3 H3LL  
CA1: you’d think you people wwould be used to that by noww  
AT2: man there are a lot of people here,  
AT1: i KNOW RIGHT,  
AG2: Personally, I think it is just splendid.   
CG1: DON’T THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU SERKET. YOU ARE ONLY *SLIGHTLY* LESS OF A SCUMBAG THAN THE MAKARAS AND ONLY SLIGHTLY MORE THAN AMPORA!  
CA2: wvhat the hell pal?  
CA1: pretty sure he means me  
GG1: why are you so angry with her anyway?  
TG1: well  
TG1: she kinda killed you harley  
GG1: WHAT :O :O :O :O  
TG1: so he was all like vengeance will be mine and crap  
TG1: so romantic  
GG1: :O  
CG1: NONE OF THAT HAPPENED  
GG1: but she killed me?!  
AG2: It wasn’t like I enjoyed it. It was a 8it of a necessity.   
GG1: but you did kill me :( :(  
CG1: WELL WHO DID YOU *THINK* KILLED YOU?!  
GG1: i don’t know, the condesce maybe?  
AG2: Sorry to disappoint.  
CC2: can you stop glubbin on searket nubby?  
CC2: shore she fucked up, but who didn’t at some point?  
AG2: Thank you Meenah. That is very kind…. I think.  
TA2: 7H3 FUCK 4R3 W3 3B3N 74LK1NGH 4BOU7?!?!?!  
AG1: I thought we had veeeeeeeery important things to talk about.  
AG1: Instead, you are just fucking around now.  
AA2:まわりに性交することは多量楽しみである。  
CG1: GODDAMNIT, FINE.  
AT1: a BIT UNRELATED BUT UHM,  
AT1: iS ANYONE UP FOR VIDEOGAMES TONIGHT?  
TG2: oh hells the fuckk yeah!  
GC2: sounds tot3s r4d!  
AA1: sounds like fun  
CG1: FOR FUCK’S SAKE PEOPLE FOCUS!  
CG2: Karkat, I am n9t sure if such crass language is suita6le f9r p9lite c9nversati9n. Especially c9nsidering the amica6le atm9sphere we are trying t9 create, y9u seem resp9nsi6le f9r a l9t 9f anim9sity. N9t that it is my intent t9 limit y9ur v9cabulary 6ut perhaps y9u c9uld stand t9 t9ne it d9wn a t9uch.  
CG2: If I may 9ffer s9me alternatives t9 y9ur usual expletives: Ape6eastfeathers, h99f6eastsh9es, fudge, shiznit, g9sh, s9n-9f-a-sh99ting-armament, need I g9 9n?  
CG1: YOU MADE YOUR *FUCKING* POINT!  
AG2: Rude.  
CG1: DO NOT EVEN START WITH ME!  
CC1: Seariously, why do you think you can just bully people around like this crabcatch?  
CG1: I AM *TRYING* TO FOCUS OUR EFFORTS ON SOME BASIC SURVIVAL. WATCHING MY ‘CRUDE’ LANGUAGE IS SO FAR DOWN ON MY PRIORITYLIST I CAN’T EVEN SEE IT WITHOUT THE AID OF AN ELECTRON MICROSCOPE!  
CC1: 38(  
TT1: I have been meaning to ask the alpha team, but did you manage to hold onto any books from your timeline per chance?  
TT1: I am incredibly curious as to how they hold up to my own and whether or not there are many significant differences.  
CG1: GAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGHH!!!!  
TG1: slow breaths karkat  
GG2: I am afraid it didn’t occur to me to hold onto some books, save for the daunting texts of Sassacre.  
EB: i don’t think there are many changes in his work. no matter the timeline, he remained an example for pranksters everywhere.  
GG2: Hoo hoo hoo hoo.  
TT2: Pretty sure Hal has a ton of books in his databanks. I’ll send you a few of my personal favorites.  
TT1: Much appreciated.  
CA2: wvho is hal?  
TT2: An artificial intelligence based on my own brain.  
GG1: :O  
TA1: dude  
TA1: niice  
CT1: D--> A most impressive feat for a human  
CT2: 8=D< It sounds abso100tely marvelous  
EB: that is actually pretty bad-ass.  
TT2: Thanks.  
AG2: Rose, I am afraid I am lacking for human 8ooks, 8ut perhaps I could interest you in some 8eforian literature.  
AG2: It might give an insight in the su8tle differences 8etween us and our Alternian counterparts.  
CC2: these here differences are anyfin but subtle serks  
AA1: but that is what makes it so fun  
CC2: you and i have different finterpretations a the word fun   
GT: Confound all this talk of books and machinery. I was promised we would discuss our adventure.  
CG1: ON THAT DAY ENGLISH, OF ALL PEOPLE, BECAME THE ONLY SENSIBLE ONE.  
GT: I am merely a great enthusiast of adventures of any sort.  
GG2: To the point that he really won’t shut up about it :B  
GT: Hogwash Jane. This is but a man’s passion for life, nature, ancient treasures and the unknown.  
TG2: and skulllz.  
GT: And skulls.  
AA1: sounds like fun  
AA1: when are we going  
GC1: TOD4Y 1 HOP3  
CA1: wwell wwe cant ALL go  
CA1: there wwouldnt be enough exp to go around  
GA2: Ho+w much experience did yo+u and the o+thers co+llect yesterday?  
AT2: well, 1 am level seven now… ampora’s dancestor 1s level s1x and serket’s 1s level f1ve…  
GC1: H4H, YOU LOST TO 3R1D4N  
AG1: He was kill stealing so shut up!!!!!!!!  
GA2: Then I suggest the three o+f yo+u stay in fo+r to+day. It will give us a chance to+ catch up.  
AG1: WH8T?!  
CA1: ah come on maryam  
CA1: wwhat the hell are wwe supposed to do for the rest a the day?  
AT2: stay 1n and have fun relax1ng?  
AG1: That sounds 8oring as SHIT Rufioh.  
AG1: Are you a 8oring troll?  
CT2: 8=D< He most certainly is not.  
CA1: guys the point  
CA1: wwhat are wwe gonna do wwith the rest a the day?  
CA2: wvell i could stay in twvo.  
CA2: maybe wve could catch up?  
AC1: :33< actually  
AC1: :33< we have a suggestion  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HECK YEAH WE DO!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE ARE ORGANIZING SPEED DATES!!!  
CG1: ……WHAT?!  
AC1: :33< it’ll be fun  
AC1: :33< we can get to know each other  
AC1: :33< like, does dave even KNOW horuss?  
CT2: 8=D< We spoke briefly yesterday  
TG1: i think im good thanks  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ AND MAYBE, IF SPARKS BEGIN FLYING AND KOKOROS GO DOKI-DOKI…..  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE CAN HELP HOOK YOU UP!!!!  
CC2: meulin  
CC2: be conchpletely honest with me for a sec  
CC2: this is just another ploy for you to ship us aint it?  
AC2: \\(=<..<=)/ MAYBE?!!?  
GA2: I actually think it so+unds kind o+f amusing.  
AA2:もちろん、あなた、でしょう  
GA2: I am certain Kanaya wo+uld be up fo+r it to+o+.  
GA1: I  
GA1: Would I  
GA2: O+f co+urse, it’s all in go+o+d fun.  
GA1: Clearly You Have Not Seen Nepeta Ship Before  
AC1: :33< i purromise its just fur fun  
CG1: THIS IS THE STUPIDEST WASTE OF TIME I HAVE EVER FUCKING HEARD OF!  
CC1: Reelly? I thought you would like it crabcake.  
CC1: Isn’t it romantic?  
CG1: OKAY, IF ROMCOMS TAUGHT ME ANYTHING IT IS THAT SPEED DATING *NEVER* WORKS. IF ANYTHING, THE ONLY AMUSEMENT I COULD DERRIVE FROM IT IS WATCHING PEOPLE FAIL MISERABLY.   
CG1: WE HAVE BIGGER FUCKING THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT BEFORE WE DELVE ASS-FIRST INTO ROMANTIC SHENANIGANS!  
AG1: 8ut we JUST esta8lished we can’t aaaaaaaall go fight those underlings.  
CG1: IT IS JUST A STUPID SHIPPING PLOY!  
CC1: O)( GLUB IT CRABCATC)(!  
CC1: I think you just )(AT---E fun!  
CG1: WHAT THE HELL PEIXES?!  
GC1: S3R1OUS K4RK4T 1 TH1NK YOU SHOULD GO  
GC1: 1T SHOULD B3 4 N1C3 OPP3RTUN1TY FOR YOU TO R3CONN3CT W1TH YOUR MOR3 FUN, DORKY S1D3  
CG1: PLEASE….. SHUT UP……  
CA2: i think this wvould be a good opportunity to get to knowv my fellowv players.  
CA2: wvho else is in?  
GC1: K4RK4T!  
CG1: SCREW THAT. TEREZI CAN GO IN MY PLACE!  
AT2: eh 1 am not do1ng anyth1ng today.  
AT2: w1ll there be pale and black match-ups as well?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE HOPE TO GET ENOUGH PEOPLE FUR EFURRY QUADRANT!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ EXCEPT FUR ASHEN BECLAWS THAT IS FURRY DIFFICULT TO SIMULATE LIKE THIS!!!  
AT2: bangarang… 1 am game.  
AG1: Fiiiiiiiine. Not like I have anything 8etter to do with you people hogging all the exp for yourselves.  
GT: Can we per chance focus on the adventuring first?  
TT2: You want to get your Indiana Jones on?  
GT: Definitely.   
AA1: i am with jake!  
AA1: 0u0  
GT: Marvelous.  
AA1: you can be my human short round  
AT2: well yeah… 1 recommend go1ng 1n pa1rs of two or three…  
AT2: underl1ngs seem to have become a b1t sneak1er and better organ1zed…  
CT1: D--> And the highb100ds are still lurking about  
CT1: D--> I will go with Nepeta  
AC1: :33< sorry equius  
AC1: :33< i am going to help meulin with the sp33d dates  
CT2: 8=D< Perhaps you w001d like to go with me.  
CT1: D--> E%cellent suggestion  
CT2: 8=D< I am certain you will make for wonderful company.  
CT1: D--> I STRONGly aim to be  
TG1: john you in  
EB: ehm…… i think i am going to stay here.  
TG1: what  
TG1: seriously  
EB: yeah  
TG1: you are going to that speed dating thing  
TG1: leave your best bro hanging like that  
TG1: what gives  
EB: i never said i was going to the speed dating thing  
GG1: but you are ;)  
EB: yeah…..  
TT1: Alas dearest brother. It seems me and Roxy will accompany you.  
TG2: wait, then wo is janey goin with?  
GG2: Jade or Dirk I assume?  
GG1: sorry, i kinda want to see what that dating is all about  
TT1: Ditto.  
GG2: :(  
CC1: YOU CAN COM—E WITH ME JANE!!!  
GG2: I do not wish to be a bother.  
CC1: you won’t be 38)  
GG1: feferi is really cool, you’ll like her  
CC1: aaaw shucks jade  
GG2: Very well then.   
TA2: 7ULL1P  
TA2: WH47 4R3 W3 DO1NG?  
GC2: how 4bout w3 st4y 1n mc.  
TA2: YOU W4N7 7WO GO F4RK1NG D473 5P33D?  
GC2: n4h. we just st4y 1n l1k3 th3 cool3st of coolc4ts.  
TA2: 44444w y3555.  
CG1: EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO GO BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF UNDERLINGS AND REGAIN LEVELS *WITHOUT* A PARTNER, MEET ME AT THE END OF THE STREET. WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT FROM THERE.  
CC1: aren’t you going to speed date karcrab?  
CG1: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT?!  
GC1: COM3 OOOON  
GC1: 1T W1LL B3 FUN  
CG1: FUCK NO!  
CG1: SOMEONE HAS TO KEEP YOU ASSHOLES IN LINE.  
CC2: don’t glubbin worry aboat it nubby  
CC2: i gots this  
CC1: and if not, i will  
AT1: hIGHBLOODS, AM i RIGHT?  
CC2: the seaquel will go to the tower and im taking the bad-asses to the forest  
CC2: that’s were the tougher enemies were right?  
AT2: yeah, pretty much…  
CC2: so have fun at meulins shippin party vantas  
CC2: we’ll bring you home somefin sweet  
CG1: FUCK ME…..  
AC1: :33< so…..  
AC1: :33< those who want to sp33d date, we m33t at meulin’s hive  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!  
TT2: Christ, really?  
TT2: Well, I suppose I *have* to go now.  
AC1: :PP  
CG1: FINE…. I GUESS I’LL SEE YOU ASSHOLES AT LEIJON’S HIVE.  
CG1: EVERYONE ELSE, MEET WITH THE PEIXES SIBLINGS.  
GA2: What is a sibling?  
CG1: NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS SHIT.  
CG1: MEMO OVER.

**\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo: BASIC FUCKING SURVIVAL--**

**> Dirk: enter speed dating.**

Meulin’s hive, much like his own, remained very sterile. She had made a clear effort to add some color in the form of strange drawings on the wall but there was very little that could be done to overpower the omnipresent white.  
The cat troll was busy with the final preperations, making sure every room would have plenty of tables and guests for the pairings to hit it off. Dirk and Nepeta were tasked with decorating the rooms and creating a mood. The lithe rogue went from room to room, decorating the tables and placing cushy pillows everywhere while Dirk looked for a proper playlist. Apparantly, playing Slayer is *not* conductive for creating a hateful atmosphere, which baffled the human. He never truly understood the black quadrant.

When the first candidates arrived, Dirk decided to make himself useful by keeping them occupied. Much to his surprise, the first one to enter was a short troll with an angry attitude and short nubby horns. He was reasonably sure this was Karkat. Another troll followed in his wake. Red pointy glasses, a mouth full of razor sharp teeth and a tongue that seemed to go everywhere it shouldn’t.  
“Sup?” Dirk asked, by way of receiving their guests.  
“We have come to be speed dated.” the female troll Dirk assumed to be Terezi cackled.  
“What she said.” her friend grumbled. With a polite gesture the human showed them in. As he tried his best to ignore Terezi’s rampant sniffing of the room an awkward silence fell over them. The only noises came from the Leijons frantically working to decorate.  
“So, what quadrant?” Dirk finally asked. It would help his own shipping grid if he’d have an overview of all the established relations and these two clearly had something going on.  
“None of your fucking business.” the shorter troll growled. His friend grimaced: clearly this was a sore spot that neither of them were willing to discuss.  
“I meant, what quadrant do you want to speed date in?” Dirk corrected himself. _So smooth_.  
“Red.” Terezi grinned.  
“Black.” Karkat answered simultaneously. The two looked at each other in surprise. Dirk almost quirked an eyebrow in amusement but remained stoic as he guided them to the designated chambers. The Leijons had chosen to decorate the doors with hearts, spades and diamonds. He chose to take it as ironic.

The second group of guests to arrive were the Maryams, both of them incredibly polite in their greeting. Dirk noticed that while Porrim appeared to be very confident, Kanaya seemed a little uneasy being at the speed dating at all.  
“Do you really think this is necessary?” she sighed.  
“It’ll be fun.” Porrim winked.  
“Definitely.” Dirk reassured the troll in the most stoic way possible.”This party will be entirely off the hook. The hook and you will have a longstanding, intimate relationship after which it will go down on one knee and propose. That’s right, you’re marrying that thing.”  
Kanaya blinked slowly before deciding to ignore it completely. He could respect that.  
“Do you intend to participate in the red dates?” she asked her dancestor.  
“Actually….” a somewhat goofy grin appeared on Porrim’s face, “I figured I should go and check the pale dates out.” The other jadeblood looked dumbfounded.”I am very curious to see how pale flirting works in speed dating.”  
“What about you?” Dirk asked Kanaya.  
“Red please…” she mumbled, a little embarrassed.  
“I thought you and Lalonde were an item.”  
“We were.” Kanaya sighed.”The sentiment has become a lot more pale since then.”  
“Sorry to hear that.”  
“It is quite alright.” she flashed a smile.”Having a good moirail is incredibly important. Perhaps the most important.” Dirk nodded in agreement and guided the Maryams to chambers currently occupied by Leijons. He realized this would leave him the black room.

After manning the door for another fifteen minutes he had collected quite the guestlist. Jade and John arrived shortly after the Maryams. Tavros came shortly thereafter, Eridan and Vriska following in his wake. After Rufioh and Cronus arrived as well, Dirk was going to shut the door but a last troll squeezed through. A scrawny fellow with four horns and unbelieveably stupid glasses.

“Sup.”  
“Thiss where the fucking sspeed datess are?” he asked. It was impossible not to notice his lisp.  
“Yeah, knock yourself out.” Dirk shrugged.”What quadrant you going for?”  
“Black I guessss.” The troll shrugged, mirroring Dirk’s nonchalance.  
“Right on, heading there myself.” he gestured to the door with the paper black spades pasted on them.  
“Cute.”  
The black room was exclusively populated by troll guys: two Ampora’s and a very pissed off looking Karkat in between them.  
“Iss it too late to sswitch roomss?

**> Black dates: Round 1.**

Almost instinctively Sollux and Eridan sat opposite of each other, leaving a miserable looking Karkat to take place in front of Cronus. Dirk began taking mental notes in order to better understand the black quadrant. It would help him formulate future shipping grids.

“Sol.” the seadweller said, not bothering to hide the venom in his voice.  
“Asshole.” Sollux retorted. He seemed determined to not give a shit.

Dirk couldn’t help but notice they began without ever receiving instructions. Then again, speed dating was not that complex and it would probably be an interesting experiment to see how the trolls dealt with it. He scratched his chin and quietly observed.

“You got tired a hangin around fef yet?” Eridan asked, trying his hardest not to show how much it bothered him.”It alwways fuckin astounded me that she did you the courtesy a lettin you be her hanger-on.”  
“Well, I never had to kill her.” the lowblood retorted.”sso I have that going for me, which iss nice.” His opponent twitched in anger.  
“You couldn’t evven fuckin get in a quadrant wwith her, could you?”  
“There iss such a thing ass a platonic relation fisshdick.” Sollux smirked.”And unlike you, sshe wanted to keep me around for my charm.”  
“Well….” Eridan stumbled.”You are just… a pathetic lowwblood.”

Sollux turned to face Dirk and waved him over. The human shrugged and sat down next to the bickering couple.  
“Yeah, I don’t think thiss guy will be a proper kissmessiss.” he said intending to mock the seadweller but jesus, the way he pronounces kismesis.  
“Wwhat!?” the seadweller wanted to protest.  
“No, that’s alright.” Dirk nodded.”Break it up and wait for the next round.”  
“I wwasn’t done!”  
“I wass.”  
“Fuck you sol!”  
Dirk glanced to the other table while his was turning into a slapfight. He’d break them apart once the other date was settled as well.

“So what are some hateable qualities of yourself?!” Karkat asked, only barely keeping an indoor voice.  
“Babe, I’m not ewven sure I hawve any.” Cronus answered, taking on a pose he probably thought looked seductive. The troll in front of him noticeably gritted his teeth.  
“And what qualities are you looking for in a kismesis?” Dirk was fairly certain these were the most clichéd questions imagineable, even for such an alien form of romance.  
“I’m not sure I can hate a babe like you.”  
“THAT’S IT STRIDER, WE’RE FUCKING DONE HERE!”

**> Pale dates: Round 1.**

Meulin looked enthusiastically over the people as they took their places. She nefur expected Aranea’s dancestor would have a problem getting herself a proper moirail but there she was: taking a seat in front of Porrim. The oliveblood was furry curious indeed to see how the rainbowdrinker would fare in a quadrant outside her comfort zone. She tried to sneak closer in an inconspicuous manner to eavesdrop on them. Porrim gave her a knowing look but didn't seem to mind.

“Well Vriska….” the jadeblood purred.”What do you want to talk about?”  
“Nothing really.” she crossed her arms defensively.”What do YOU want to talk about?”  
“Well….. Would you perhaps tell me why you think you need a moirail?” Porrim attempted to continue conversation.”Or would you have me go first?”  
“Knock yourself out.”  
“Well…..” the jadeblood chuckled, “It is kinda embarrassing really….”  
“Then don’t fucking say it.” Vriska groaned.  
“You don’t really get how this is supposed to work, do you?” Porrim sighed.

Meulin decided to stop watching that awkward trainwreck in motion and turned her sights to the other table, where Jade and Rufioh seemed to be hitting it off quite nicely.

“—and that’s how I explored the entire island with Bec.” Jade laughed.  
“That’s pretty amazing.” Rufioh chuckled.”and those teleporters?”  
“Oh, I kept those up. I returned to the frog temple every now and then because the acoustics were great.”  
“The what now?”  
“Oh, for playing flute.”  
“Nice.” Rufioh smiled.”You play?”  
“Oh I love playing the flute” Jade beamed.”but I’m not that good at it. Bass works better for me.”  
“That’s cool.”  
“Apparantly it’s very strange for a human to be raised by a dog but I didn’t mind. Bec was a good dog and my best friend.”  
“Sounds like humans are the weird ones, really…. N-Not like you’re weird or anything.”  
“I am definitely weird.” Jade laughed.  
“Okay, maybe a little.”  
“So what about your home?”  
“Oh…. uhm….” Rufioh grimaced.”I was a bit of an outcast actually.” He flapped his wings to make his point.”Folks aren’t really fond of different, even on Beforus.”  
“Oh no!” Jade said, legitimately shocked.  
“It wasn’t all bad.” he hastily recovered.”I met Damara and the lost weeaboos there, which was actually kinda nice. We lived in the trees, they taught me their language… It was really fun for a few sweeps.”  
“What happened?” the human seemed very curious.  
“Well, I kinda…..” Rufioh stopped and looked around, suddenly very much aware of how public the setting was. Both Vriska and Meulin had their eyes glued on him, while Porrim was very busy pretending not to hear anything.

“M-maybe we could continue this talk some other time.” he mumbled.”It’s kinda personal and stuff.”

Meulin’s lips curled in a mischievous smile. She might have found a functional ship in her harbor.

**> Red dates: Round 1.**

Nepeta looked with great interest at the people in her room. She had expected Karkat to show up and maybe the Ampora’s. Her current guests were surprising to say the least. John was seated across from Terezi. The two of them were in an animated debate about one thing or another. It seemed to be going well.

“What do you mean, you like Con Air?” John yelped in shock.  
“I mean that it wasn’t that bad.” The troll cackled.”It was hilarious.”  
“Oh my god, no!”  
“With the bunny and the rugged maverick and the noble lawenforcer doing his job.”  
“No. Please.” John scoffed.”That movie was so incredibly stupid.”  
“Was it?” Terezi grinned.”Or did you look at it the wrong way?!”  
“No, it was definitely really stupid.”  
“Well maybe you are really stupid.”  
“No you are!”  
“NO YOUR FACE IS!”

 _“Maybe that pairing didn’t work out so well as I thought….”_ Nepeta thought to herself. She turned over to the other table, where Kanaya and Tavros were seated. Perhaps the two of them could have a completely adorable redrom together.

“So uhm…….” Tavros began, trying in vain to look smooth.”You come here, often?”  
Kanaya’s face twitched a little but she recovered. Before she could get a word in however, he continued.  
“I uhm…. People call me Tavros, but you can call me tonight.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively just to emphasize his statement. Kanaya’s face twisted in a barely contained laugh. She began snortling and chortling before she couldn’t take it anymore and howled out in laughter. Tavros visibly shrank in his chair as everyone else in the room turned to look at the laughing jadeblood.  
“I-I do apologize Tavros.” she sighed as she came down from it.”But that sounded so very much unlike you.”  
“What do you mean?” he protested.  
“It sounded like you were attempting to be, quote unquote, cool. It just doesn’t suit you very well.”  
“I can be cool!” Tavros sputtered.  
“I am sure you can but perhaps it is best to play to your strengths.”  
“And what are those?”  
“Being cute and helpless I think?”  
“I AM NOT HELPLESS!” he yelped. “Or uhm, cute for that matter.”  
“Nepeta, I do not think this will be a proper pairing.”

“Alright.” Nepeta clapped in her hands to get everyone’s attention. Tavros and John both looked a little miserable. ”Next round.”

**> Black dates: Round 2.**

Alright, this was new.

Sollux wanted a break so to keep it at an even number Dirk had to take his place in front of a very angry looking troll with nubby horns. He remained completely stoic with an unreadable pokerface. Karkat would have better luck trying to read hieroglyphs in braille, the poor bastard.  
“So what are some hateable qualities about yourself?” the troll opened. Dirk couldn’t help but wonder if this guy was just made of clichés but was more than willing to play the game.  
“I am terribly impatient.” he stated flatly.”A master manipulator and the self-proclaimed archduke of irony.”  
“UGH, PASS.” Karkat stated bluntly. Dirk almost fell from his chair in shock, in what would have been an hilarious anime-moment. Instead he kept his cool. He was certain that he made a good pitch, showing both nonchalance and a hateable side of himself. The fact that the troll in front of him wasn’t hate-crushing like crazy right now was outside of his calculations.  
“What gives?”  
“If I have to hear about your moronic ideas of irony in my concupiscent quadrant I would feed myself to whatever monsters lurk in the forest.” Karkat growled.”I’ve heard enough about this shit from the other Strider.”

 _“Gee thanks Dave.”_ Dirk thought to himself, hurt only in his pride. _”Ruin my chances with the shouty troll I wasn’t really interested in anyway.”_ He turned to see the other table where Eridan and Cronus were seated. Initially Dirk feared there might be awkwardness between them because of their ecto-relation but the reasons they failed were entirely their own.

“Wwhat do you mean you see no fuckin hateful qualities in me!” Eridan practically screeched.  
“Wvell look at you.” his dancestor said in an attempt to explain himself.”Your goddamn gorgeous. To hate such a being wvould be unthinkable.”  
“I….” Eridan was taken aback for a second.”Wwell thank you but that is not howw this goes!”  
“Wvhy, wvhat am I doing wvrong?”  
“This is about enemyship! Rivvalry! Antagonism!” Eridan began explaining with animated gestures.”To havve someone be his wworst to bring out your best. You mean to tell me you nevver evven had a kismesis before?”  
“Nope.”  
“Pah.” the beta troll scoffed.”I bet you nevver evven managed to fill a single quadrant.”  
“Really.” Cronus said, looking genuinely offended.”I came out here to havwe a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right nowv.”  
“DO YOU EVVEN KNOWW WWHAT A KISMESIS IS?!”

Dirk decided to cut their conversation short. The world just wasn’t ready for two Ampora’s yet.

**> Pale dates: Round 2.**

“I love your tattoos!”  
Jade bounced on her chair after sitting down in front of Porrim.  
“Thank you dear.” the troll chuckled.  
“Do they mean anything? The tattoos I mean.”  
“The first one did.” Porrim explained calmly. She showed the ink on her arm and traced the line.”It was custom on Beforus for jadebloods to have a tattoo like this.”  
“And the rest?”  
“I just really liked the look.” Jade nodded cheerfully.  
“It looks great on you.”  
“You are too kind.” Porrim smiled.”Personally, I am quite taken by your dress.” Jade readjusted her eclectica squiddledress.”It suits you.”  
“Aaaw geesh.” the human looked embarrassed.”You’re just saying that.” The jadeblood just looked amused.  
“So why do you think you need a moirail Jade?” she finally asked.  
“Oh.” Jade suddenly looked completely alert again.”I just think moiraillegiance is a really neat idea. Humans don’t really have such a thing.”  
“Really?” Porrim asked, legitimately surprised.”Then how do you deal with your problems?”  
“We just kind of talk to each other.” Jade smiled.  
“Doesn’t that count as a moiraillegiance?”  
“I don’t think so?”  
“You humans sure are a strange lot.”  
“Hihihi, yeah we are!”

Meulin looked impressed at the girls chatting away. Jade appeared to be incredibly adapt at pale romance, despite being a human. She’d probably be able to get any moirail she wants. Meulin wasn’t going to act jealous but did feel a little outdone. First Rufioh, now Porrim. Maybe it was because humans were more comfortable talking about feelings? She would have to theorize about the potential of a human moiraillegiance with her dancestor.

The other table was also getting very amicable. Vriska sat across from Rufioh, leaning her head on her hands and playfully kicking her feet under the table.  
“Nice seeing you again doll.” Rufioh smiled.  
“Same to you.” the blueblood grinned.”I had to miss you aaaaaaaall day.”

Meulin squinted her eyes and tilted her head in an attempt to hear their conversation more clearly. Vriska was incredibly interested in Rufioh. She was glad she opened up so easily towards him. It would make creating pale ships a lot easier and clear the way for Jade hooking up with Porrim.

“You know what happened to your Alternian version?” Vriska smirked, a faint blue blush appearing on her cheeks.  
“Hit me.”  
“You commanded a miiiiiiiighty rebellion against the empress, with an army of beasts and trolls. Come to think of it, you were proooooooobably the person closest to ever defeating her.”  
“Me going up against Meenah?” Rufioh chuckled.”I don’t think so doll. Still, kinda cool to see how different your timeline was from mine.”  
“You also had the hoooooooottest matesprit around.” Vriska beamed.  
“That sounds sweet.”  
“You had to kill her though.”  
“That sounds….. significantly less sweet.”  
“I thought it was kinda romantic.” she winked.  
“So uhm….” Rufioh stammered, not really in the mood to debate her idea of romance. “Why do you feel like you need a moirail?”  
“Oh, I’m not sure I need a moirail……….” Vriska looked at him with a curious glint in her eyes.  
“Really? Pretty doll like you could have anyone she’d want.”  
“I do hope soooooooo.”

Meulin decided to cut the rounds short to avoid an impromptu feelingsjam right in the open.

Because that was definitely what was happening.

And that would have been really embarrassing.

**> Red dates: Round 2.**

“How did this happen?”

Kanaya asked for a short break and since Tavros was determined to try speaking with Terezi, Nepeta was left with no option but to have a speed date with John. The blye eyed, bucktoothed human looked at her with a wide smile.  
“Whoa, you are actually really kinda cute.” He said, a little embarrassed himself. Nepeta wanted to pull her hat over her head. She had no idea how to flirt with humans.  
“Thanks.” she said with a bashful smile.”So uhm… What can you tell me about yourself?”  
“Well uhm…” John began.”I’m human?”  
“I noticed.” The troll giggled.”and what else?”  
“Well, I like watching movies, I like hanging with friends and… boy that sounds really cliché.” he chuckled.  
“Any other hobbies?”  
“Err…. pranking, I guess. There is nothing as funny as a well put-together prank if you ask me. Also, training my mangrit.”  
“What is that?” she tilted her head like a curious animal.  
“It means that I am pretty strong I guess.”  
“OH!” Nepeta slammed her hands on the table in enthusiasm.”Have you talked to Equius yet?”  
“Err…. no?”  
“Oh you definitely should!” the troll insisted.”You’d make such a cute couple!”  
“I….. I haven’t even met him.” John stammered.  
“But he is really strong. He needs a matesprit who is really strong too, like you.”  
“I……What?”  
“You’d make the bestest red couple efur!”  
“I think we can stop this date now….”

“Mr Nitram, you are hereby put on trial by one of the Scourge Sisters on account of being a potential matesprit.” Terezi smirked.”How do you plead?”  
“I-Innocent?” The brownblooded troll stammered.”N-no, wait… Guilty?”  
“That’s what I like to hear.” she cackled as she leaned forward for a closer sniff.  
“So uhm…. What are you looking for in a matesprit?”  
“Oh you know….” Terezi sat back and smiled.”Someone I can have fun with, who is kind and loyal… Someone that can make me laugh.”  
“Everyone makes you laugh….”  
“I guess you’re right!” she snickered.”Roleplaying is also a must!”  
“Well, you know me…” Tavros said, feeling a bit more confident again.”I do love me some FLARPing.”  
“Oooh good point. So tell me Mr Nitram, if we’d find a rare treasure in a dungeon, would you give it to me?”  
“How difficult is the dungeon?”  
“Hmmm……” she pondered.”Very clever…. How about Malakith’s tomb?”  
“Oh well uhm…. Sure.” Tavros stammered.”Yeah, I’d give it to you.”  
“And if Malakith had only a sliver of health left?” she asked.”Would you let me have the killing blow?”  
“Sure!”  
“Well then I’m afraid I must pass.” Terezi howled in laughter.  
“B-But I would---”  
“I don’t want to be placed on a pedestal Tavros.” she grinned.”I want my matesprit to be my equal, not my flunky.”  
“Oh come on!” he protested.”Why bother asking me in the first place?!”

The red dates really weren’t going so hot. Nepeta chose to end the round and let people try new partners. Maybe something decent would come from it.

**> Black dates: Final round.**

“So howw are we doing this kar?”  
Karkat grumbled something incomprehensible. He seemed more annoyed than anything.  
“I mean, you kinda hate me right?” Eridan continued.”Still a bit sore about that wwhole fiasco on the meteor?”  
“That is complete“fuck you” kinda hatred.” the angry troll groaned.”The kind that makes me want to murder you in cold blood, piss on your corpse and set it on fire. There is not a cell in my body in my body that feels romantic inclinations towards you and not a nucleus in those cells that think this speed date is going to be anything else then a complete and utter disaster!”  
“Wwhoa….. That’s kinda hardcore Kar.”  
“YOU WANTED TO SELL US OUT TO A HOMOCIDAL, OMNIPOTENT DEMON DOG AND KILLED ONE POINT FIVE PEOPLE!”  
“But I….. Wwait, one point fivve?  
“I am not sure how to classify Kanaya and Sollux” Karkat admitted. “Being undead and only sorta dead respectively….. How the fuck could you even do that man!? I knew you were an asshole but that was just….. The fuck.”  
“…..Wwould it help if I said I’m sorry?”  
“I’m not even fucking sure anymore.” the lowblooded troll growled.”Things are so fucked up now with everyone being alive again. Why do they even expect me to be all buddy-buddy with Serket’s dancestor? That bitch may have been even worse than you.”  
“Is this what black relations are supposed to be like?” a voice came from the back of the room.  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP CRONUS!”  
“It does sound kinda pale kar….” Eridan noticed.  
“THERE IS NOTHING PALE ABOUT THIS NONSENSE!”

“Right, so that one ain’t working either.” Dirk thought to himself before focusing on the troll in front of him. Impenetrable glasses much like his own, just a whole lot more goofy. He wasn’t sure how to antagonize this troll. He was a lot harder to read than Karkat.”Intriguing.”  
“Sso how did you do it?”  
”Do what?” Dirk remained completely stoic but went through the options. There was no way the troll could be referring to his deal with Caliborn. His ascension to god tier was not all that interesting when it happened and he doubted the yellowblood wanted to know about his previous ‘Jake-gambit’.  
“The artificial intelligence.” he lisped.”How did you make one based on your own brain?”  
“Brainghost+Computer.” Dirk explained.”Cost a bit of grist but Hal is a hoot.”  
“Did you jusst sserioussly ssay: a hoot?”  
“Fourth level of irony..”  
“Whatever.” Sollux’s eyes were hidden behind dumb glasses but he was clearly rolling them.”Hal ssoundss pretty cool. I’m jusst the viruss guy you know? I can make bassic AI’ss but I never thought of combining it with other objectss.” Dirk nodded.  
“So, the hate date?”  
“Right, you do sseem like quite an asssshole.”  
“I shall take that as a compliment.”

“I JUST SAID THERE WAS NOTHING PALE ABOUT THIS, YOU EVOLUTIONARY DEAD-END!”

“Break it up assholes!” Dirk shouted from his table before turning back to Sollux.  
“Ssome thingss don’t change.” The troll sighed.”Assholess remain assholess. Sserioussly, Ampora iss the mosst platonically hated troll around.”  
“Poor guy.” Dirk said without a shred of empathy.  
“I thought humanss didn’t do kissmessitude at all.” Sollux stated.”We had a good laugh over it on the meteor before everything went to sshit. Not that I give a fuck but what givess?”  
“Shenanigans.”  
“Of coursse.”

Not a successful hate date was managed that day, though Dirk begrudgingly admitted that Sollux was alright for a troll.

**> Pale dates: Final round.**

“Hi Vriska!” Jade beamed. The troll seemed less than enthusiastic and crossed her arms.  
“What do you want Harley?”  
“Well, John told me a lot about you.” the human was almost radiant in how cheerful she was.”He thinks you’re really cool.”  
“Really now?” Vriska smirked maliciously.”And what do you think?”  
“Gosh, I don’t really know.” Jade admitted.”I don’t really know you outside of John’s stories.”  
“So whyyyyyyyy do you think you can be my moirail?”  
“Because I like helping people! And according to John, you could really use a friend to help you every now and then.”  
“That’s exaaaaaaaactly what I DON’T need!” Vriska hissed.”I don’t want to be fussed over!”  
“I never said anything about fussing.” Jade said, slightly taken aback.  
“But that is what you were going for!”  
“No, no. No, not all.” the human assured her.  
“Forget it Harley.” Vriska said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.”I am just not iiiiiiiinterested in you as my moirail.” Jade conceded with a shrug of her shoulder.

“P-Purrim, I already HAVE a moirail!” Meulin protested when she was being seated in front of the seductive jadeblood.  
“I’m not out to steal your diamonds.” Porrim purred.”This is just for shits and giggles.”  
“B-but what about Horuss?!”  
“We are on a speed date now Meulin.” The other troll nudged.”Come on, it will be fun.”  
“Sorry Porrim.” The oliveblood sighed.”I just don’t feel comfortable doing that.”

The Jadeblood turned to Rufioh, who shook his head and held his hands up defensively.  
“No thanks doll. I’ll pass.”

Meulin realized that the pale dates were not that great of a success, though there were definitely some ships she could sail with Jade. Or maybe Rufioh with Vriska?

She would need her wall to keep track of this.

**> Red dates: Final round.**

“A pleasure meeting you here John.” Kanaya nodded politely as she sat down. Her skin had returned to its original shade of grey but her eyes had begun filling out in a gree color. She shot a quick glance to Tavros, who was sulking in the far end of the room.  
“Yeah, good to see you here as well Kanaya.” John smiled.”How is Rose doing? I hardly had a chance to talk to her yesterday.”  
“I do apologize for borrowing her so swiftly.” the jadeblood sighed.”After all that had happened and after dying again, I was in dire need of a proper feelingsjam.”  
“Well, that’s cool. I’m sure she was glad to help.”  
“She was indeed.”  
“So…” John’s eyes lit up. “What exactly are you looking for in a relationship?”  
“Well….” Kanaya mumbled self-aware, “Elegance is a factor…. Loyalty is important and I am quite drawn to a semblance of strength.”  
“You know, you’re the second person to mention that today…”  
“What about you John?”  
“Uhm…..” the human chuckled embarrassed.”I…. I haven’t really thought about it.”  
“That is not very helpful.”  
“Yeah, sorry….”  
“So is there anyone in this room you would be interested in dating?” Kanaya inquired.  
“I don’t think so…” John mumbled.”I mean, Nepeta is cute but kinda crazy?”  
“She is more silly than crazy.”  
“And I felt like Terezi was just messing with me.”  
“She does that.”  
“And I feel like you are kinda….. Uninterested in me?”  
“Please do not take offense.” Kanaya sighed.”You are just….. Not my type at all.”  
“Hey, no hard feelings.” John shrugged."I can take that rejection."

“The callous legislacerator scoffs as the honorable pouncillor takes her place.” Terezi grinned.”Here to attempt another bribe?”  
“I would nefur.” Nepeta protested.”I am here to ask fur a favor.”  
“A favor?” The tealblood laughed.”The legislacerator leans on her cane and awaits the pouncilor’s offer.”  
“The pouncilor kneels in front of the puretty legislacerator and uncaptchalogues a bouqet of flowers.” Nepeta giggled, while miming her actions and wishing she brought actual flowers.”Would you do me the purtesy of going on a red date with me?”  
“Oh pouncilor! We couldn’t.” Terezy faked a gasp.  
“I think we could.”  
“I am swooning so hard right now!”  
“Let the entire gofurnment know a legislacerator can love a oliveblooded offurcial.”  
“We should get human married!”  
“What’s that?”  
“A cheesy ritual to cement a couple’s romance forever.” Terezi grinned.  
“Maybe another time.” Nepeta giggled.

It was always fun playing pretend with Terezi.

Nepeta chose to close the speed dates and invited everyone to the living room for tea and snacks. The black and the pale rooms also emptied and flooded Meulin’s livingroom. People were invited to stay and chat but most people chose to leave, much to Nepeta’s disappointment.  
“THERE WASN’T A SINGLE DECENT BLACK DATE TO BE HAD!” Karkat complained loudly to whoever was willing to listen.”SERIOUSLY. IN BETWEEN STRIDER AND THE AMPORAS I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OF FALLING HORNS OVER HEELS IN HATE WITH SOLLUX.”  
“You should have gone for the red dates dumb dumb.” Terezi laughed.”The black room smelled of fish and despairation.”  
“EXCUSE ME FOR NOT BEING BLESSED WITH THE CLAIRVOYENT SPACENOSE NEEDED TO SMELL THAT SHIT!”  
“Well I had a lot of fun.” Meulin smiled. She walked around the room handing out tea and cookies.”It was fun seeing how efurryone got along."  
“It was so cool getting to know everyone!” Jade began explaining to John.”Rufioh and Porrim were really nice.”  
“Oh sweet. Did you meet Vriska?”  
“Yeah! I just don’t think she liked me very much.” John gave her a surprised look while Terezi skipped over to Nepeta and began discussing ships. Karkat sought refuge with the humans while Meulin was being bothered by Cronus. Dirk just observed.  
The black quadrant was still strange to him but he had gotten a basic understanding of the concept. After exchanging data with his fellow heartplayers, he should be able to put a decent shipping grid together.

This might just work out.

**> Aradia: Discover**

Aradia and Jake had gone into the woods with Aranea, Meenah and the trolls the latter thought would make good frontline fighters. The enemies were initially pretty tough because of the level reset but pistols and psychic powers made for potent weapons against them. It wasn’t long until both of them reached level 3 on their echeladders. While the page’s powers scaled fairly slow, Aradia had recovered her most basic of time-related abilities. Most enemies seemed trivial after that. As the two of them dashed through the woods, Aradia could freeze most in time and crush them with her psychic abilities, somewhat to Jake’s annoyance.  
“Confound it Aradia.” he stated.”Would you mind leaving some enemies to me?”  
"This is much faster." the troll smiled. "It is incredibly unsportsmanlike." “Are you going to try and fight them hand-to-hand again?”  
“That was just the one time.” he mumbled.

“-----------”

The rustblood stopped in her tracks. Jake almost bumped into her but she chose to ignore it. She heard something in the distance. It was faint but something was definitely calling to her.  
“Why are we stopping?” her human companion asked.  
“Be quiet.” Aradia whispered. She knew for certain that it weren’t the voices of the deceased that were bothering her. There was something out there.  
“Just keep your wits about you.” Jake whispered as he followed her deeper into the forest.”I do believe we are quite a ways from our companions.”  
“If you’re scared you can go back.”  
“Nonsense, I relish the adventure.”  
"That's the spirit.

“Ar….di…….”

The noise stopped getting louder at the foot of a large pinetree. It’s origin was immediately apparent.

At the foot of the tree lied the torso of a badly damaged Aradiabot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.... I am kind of awake now..... No more finishing stories this late at night. I could have polished this one a bit better. Might do so retro-actively.
> 
> So yeah, speed dates. Those were a fun way to work on a lot of ships simultaneously. I mean, most of them didn't work out but at least we know that now :P When writing this I remembered one of my headcannons being that Jade would be an incredibly good moirail for pretty much anyone, so I chose to go with that. 
> 
> Next up is another chapter in my movies with Karkat, after which we'll deal with the aftermath of this and see which ships will set sail.
> 
> you can follow me on tumblr because [that is a thing](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/).


	3. Bewitching the Lost Boy

**\--arsenicCatnip [AC] opened memo: the secret heart club’s shipyard--**

\--arsenicCatnip  [AC1] invited EVERYONE to memo--  
AC1: *ac gathers her notes and playfully skips to the stand*  
AC1: *she stands super dignified yet pawsitively adorable as she licks her paw befur turning over the the audience*  
AC1: “welcome” she says  
AC1: “I hope efurryone had fun yesterday”  
CA1: wway to begin this shit wwith a roleplay nep  
CA1: super dignified my noble ass  
GC2: com3 on cronus jr. 1ts w1ck3d cut3 th4t l1l l31jon do3s th1s.  
CA1: you wwerent there at the speed dates  
CA1: you do not knoww wwhat you are talkin about  
CC2: motherglub, that bad huh?  
AT2: 1t really wasn’t that bad.  
AT2: 1 had fun.  
AT1: i DIDN’T, iT SUCKED PRETTY HARD,  
CG2: I am n9t certain whether 9r n9t it was wise t9 try and f9rce pe9ple in a r9mantic situati9n with partners they may 9r may n9t have an affinity f9r. It c9uld have 6een a severly triggering experience f9r several 9f y9ur participants and I can 9nly h9pe they have 6een adequately warned pri9r t9 the event.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG KANKRI, IT WAS A SP33D DATE!! PEOPLE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO!!!  
CT2: 8=D< Did you amuse yourself Meulin?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH HORUSS, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!  
TA1: ii am gue22iing the pale date2 went a lot 2moother than the black one2  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I HAVE SO MANY NEW SHIPS, YOU WOULDN’T EVEN BELIEVE IT!  
AG1: Juuuuuuuust what I wanted. To 8e included in more Leijon ships.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT LATER.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DID YOU HAVE FUN WITH YOUR DANCESTOR HORUSS?  
CT2: 8=D< He is a somewhat sour individual but I remained positive enough for the both of us  
CT1: D--> I am not sour  
AC1: :33< you can be a bit of a sourpuss  
CT1: D--> No I am not  
AC1: :33< you kinda are  
CT1: D--> No I am not  
AC1: :33< oh my god you so are!!  
TG1: alright break it up  
TG1: lets go the part we all want to hear about  
CG2: Yes, I imagine the rest are anxi9us t9 hear a69ut what we f9und when c9m6ating the imps and expl9ring the territ9ries.  
TG1: no one is interested in that jazz  
TG1: take your antiquated music style elsewhere  
CG2: What?  
TG1: lets talk about the hot and sexy make outs  
CG2: I d9 n9t think that it is an appr9priate su6ject to 6e discussed in a pu6lic memo.  
CG1: AND I STILL NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ASSHOLES FOUND.  
TG2: nope, make-outs are much more important!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH….. WELL, THERE WEREN’T ANY TO BE PURFECTLY FRANKS  
TG1: then you were doing it wrong  
TT1: I believe what my dear brother is trying to ask is whether or not people actually hooked up as a result of the speed dates.  
AG2: That makes a lot more sense.  
CC1: O)( YES! I ALSO WANT TO KNOW T)(IS!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE ARE STILL COMPURRING NOTES TO SEE WHAT COUPLES WORK BUT I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THERE ARE SO MANY NEW BABY SHIPS IN THE HARBOR LIKE OH MY GOSH!!!  
CC2: bet you five boonies she is bouncin up and down right now  
TT2: It is hardly a bet if you know that you’re right.  
CC1: W)(AT ABOAT THE RED PAIRINGS?! DID ANYFIN )(APPEN?  
GC1: OH D3F1N1T3LY  
GC1: 1 H4D 4 LOV3LY D4T3 W1TH JOHN T4VROS 4ND N3P3T4  
AT1: i WOULDN’T GO AS UHM, fAR AS TO CALL IT LOVELY,  
EB: yeah, it was a bit weird  
AC1: :33< really? i had a lot of fun with her  
GC1: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
GC1: 1GNORE TH3M N3P3T4  
GC1: TH3Y JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO H4V3 4 GOOD T1M3  
AT1: i COMPLETELY DISAGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT, i AM UHM, pERFECTLY CAPABLE OF HAVING A GOOD TIME,  
CC2: what aboat the black dates shouty?  
CG1: A TOTAL WASH.  
CA2: wvell i had a good time  
CA1: you don’t evven knoww howw a kismesissitude is supposed to wwork!  
AT1: tHAT’S KINDA SAD,  
CA2: no wvay  
CA2: i just thought you wvere much too handsome to hate  
CA1: wwait  
CA1: you really mean that?  
AG1: Eridan is flirting with his dancestor.  
AG1: 8etter talk a8out the adventures we missed right now or I am going to vomit!  
CA2: rude much  
AG2: Very well, allow me to ela8orate on what happened in the woods.  
AG2: The opponents were of a challenging level, much like we anticipated, so we carefully selected the people who would go there, based on their skills and strife specibi and who would go to the tower instead. Like suggested earlier, we stayed in groups of two or three people at all times in case the Makaras were lurking a8out.  
AG2: Meenah and I quickly gained the first levels on our respective echeladders, partially 8ecause of the higher level of the opposing monsters and partially 8ecause Meenah kept insisting on taking point.  
CC2: it is the fastest way to get to them dubloons.  
AG2: 8y the time we reached a suspicious white hive located we were pretty exhausted. 8ecause I suspect it to 8e the lair of a miniboss, I suggested a strategic retreat. Not an easy task.  
CC2: dams’s dancestor and the human page already bailed on us, so I figured we might as well.  
AA1: sorry  
AA1: something else came up  
CC2: whatever  
TT1: A white hive in the middle of the forest you say? How completely unexpected.  
AG2: 8y which I assume you completely expected this to happen?  
TT1: Correct.  
TG1: see the tower that not-tavros mentioned turned out to be my old casa  
GG1: really? :O  
TG1: there were swords in the fridge smuppets in the attic and sick mixes in the boombox  
EB: you would have a boombox  
TG1: so unless there is another awesome human we haven’t met im pretty sure that shit is my old texan home  
TT1: Taking that in consideration, I think it is highly likely that the aforementioned white hive belonged to my dear departed mother.  
EB: which means it is yours now, right?  
TT1: We would need to have the notary take a gander at the situation. I am not an authority on the subject of heritage laws.  
TG2: am I not next of kin?  
TG2: i want halb the hive!  
GC1: 4SK TH3 M4YOR  
GC1: H3 SHOULD B3 4ROUND SOM3WH3R3  
GA1: Adorable Though He Might Be  
GA1: I Would Not Call The Mayor An Authority On Anything  
GA1: Except Perhaps Cans  
GC1: TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT TH1NG TO B3 4N 4UTHOR1TY ON  
GG1: but then……  
GG1: that island must be my island!!!!!  
GG1: and it is so close to everyone else now!!!  
CA2: you owvn an entire island?  
GG1: yes!  
GG1: it is simply the best thing to have!!!  
GG1: oh, oh, that could mean my house is still there as well :)  
GA2: That wo+uld be very fo+rtuito+us.  
TA1: ii gue22 thii2 raii2e2 the po22iibiiliity of our own hiive2 beiing iin the land2 from the game  
TA2: F4CK WH47 48OU7 OUR H1V35?!  
TA2: 7H3 H1V35 OF 7H3 7ROLL5 7H47 4C7U4LLY M4773R!!!  
TA1: fuck iif ii know  
TA2: 7H47 15 50 FUCK3D UP!!!!!  
TA2: GR0DD4MN177777  
TA1: well 2hiit occur2 ii 2uppo2e  
TT1: I am not sure whether or not I will return to my ancestral home. I have gotten quite comfortable here.  
TT2: I don’t believe you.  
TT1: It may not be all the way in New York but it would still be rather removed from the little colony we are currently building. Then again, I imagine the isolation might be pleasant when I inevitably take up writing again.  
TG1: fuck that noise  
TG1: i just want my posters back  
CG1: SO WHAT LEVEL IS EVERYONE AT RIGHT NOW?  
CC1: I T)(INK everyone is aboat level five now?  
GT: Except me and Aradia. I am afraid we quit a little bit sooner than that.  
CC2: glubbin pussies.  
GG2: I am sure Jake had a perfectly good reason to leave early.  
CC2: ye, bein a pussy.  
GG2: :(  
GC1: SO WH4T 1S 3V3RYON3 PL4NN1NG TOD4Y?  
AG1: Well IIIIIIII am hitting the forest. I have to stay ahead of the game.  
AG1: You don’t miiiiiiiiind me taking down the mini-8oss all 8y myself do you?  
CA1: don’t go hoggin all exp damnit  
GG2: If I may interject, there is also a miniboss at the tower. If the enemies there are lower level, it would be logical to assume the miniboss is also easier than the miniboss of the forest.  
CC1: Good idea Jane!  
CG1: NO, IT IS STILL A HORRIBLE IDEA.  
CC1: 38O  
CC1: Your face is a horribubble idea!  
CG1: WE DON’T KNOW *HOW* STRONG THE MINIBOSSES ARE. WE ARE BETTER OFF GRINDING A BIT LONGER AND STEAMROLLING THEM THAN LOSING FRONTLINE FIGHTERS.  
CG1: NOT ONLY THAT BUT WE HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THE FUCK THE MAKARAS ARE. EVEN IF IT WOULD RID US OF SERKET, I DON’T THINK IT’S SAFE FOR ANYONE TO GO OUT ALONE.  
AG1: you are suuuuuuuuch a 8uzzkill.  
AG1: I’ll take Rufioh to go along, if you don’t miiiiiiiind.  
AT2: actually doll, 1 am th1nk1ng of stay1ng 1n for the day.  
AG1: 8OOOOOOOORING.  
CA1: i on the other hand really wwant to gain some levvels too  
GC1: 4ND SOM3ON3 H4S TO K33P 4N 3Y3 ON YOU TWO >:]  
AG1: Fine.  
AG1: Other losers can meet up with us at the tower.  
AG1: We are going to kill the 8oss!  
AG1: John, are you coming or what????????  
EB: err…. sorry?  
AG1: You are still level one right?  
AG1: We are going to raise you waaaaaaaay higher than all the other humans.  
EB: well, I didn’t exactly have any plans so sure. sounds like fun :B.  
CA1: are wwe really takin a levvel one heir to fight the miniboss?  
EB: i wont be a bother. i can fend for myself.  
CA1: look i am not helpin you climb out a the maww a some unholy abomination  
GC1: YOU B3TT3R C4RRY YOUR OWN W31GHT >:]  
EB: err….. yeah, sure!  
AG1: Shut up, we are doing this!  
\--arachnidsGrip [AG1] left memo--  
EB: see you in a bit then.  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] left memo--  
GC1: UGH, SH3 1S SO DR4M4T1C  
CA1: wwe kneww that already  
CA2: does she hawve some sort of thing for rufioh?  
CA2: she seems to hawve some sort of thing for rufioh  
GC1: YOU TH1NK?  
AT2: err…  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THEY WOULD MAKE ADORABLE MOIRAILS  
AT2: errr…  
GC1: 4NYW4Y 1 4M GO1NG TO M4K3 SUR3 VR1SK4 DO3SN’T G3T H3RS3LF K1LL3D  
CG1: DO YOU EVEN CARE?!  
CG2: 9f c9urse she d9es.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OF COURSE SHE DOES!  
CG1: GODS.  
GC1: S33 YOU SOON  
\--gallowsCalibrator [GC1] left memo--  
CA1: yeah guess i am goin too  
AC1: :33< beclaws you are concerned about vwiskers?  
CA1: because i wwant to stay ahead in the game  
AC1: :33< you are just horrible  
AT1: wE UHM, kINDA KNEW THAT ALREADY,  
TA1: not 2urprii2iing anyone  
TA2: WHY 15 H3 3V3N F4RK1NG H3R3?  
CA1: yeah you guys havve fun too  
CA1: assholes  
\--caligulasAquarium [CA1] left memo--  
CT2: 8=D< If you are staying in Rufioh, w001d you perhaps appreciate some company?  
AT2: err… no thanks man. 1 am good…  
CT2: 8=D< How about you Meulin?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I KINDA HAVE FURRY IMPURTANT SHIPPING BUSINESS TO DO.  
CG1: YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE TO.  
AC2: \\(=-..-=)/ SORRY HORUSS.  
CT2: 8=D< That is quite alright Meulin. I shall remain positive even in this temporary solitude.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ REMAINING OPTIMISTIC IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO!  
CT2: 8=D< After all, where w001d we ever be without a positive out100k on life.  
AC2: : \\(=^..^=)/ YOU SAID IT!!!  
CT2: 8=D<>  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ <>  
GC2: d4mn you two 4r3 m4d 4dor4bl3  
CC2: more like sickening  
GG1: well i think its cute!  
GG1: moiraillegiance is cute!  
TG1: damn jade  
TG1: you going all troll on us  
TG1: next thing we know you are wearing fake orange horns and painting your face grey   
TG1: maybe change your name in jaidde harley or something equally ridiculous  
CG2: I feel like y9u are severely misrepresenting 9ur culture with this 6anter and p9ssi6le h9ld some specist sentiments.  
TG1: either that or it is something we earthlings call a joke  
TG1: you don’t respect the time honored human tradition of jokes  
TG1: man what a specist  
CG2: This was n9t my intent. Please f9rgive me f9r any triggers I may have caused. I merely desired t9 illustrate the fact that the simple act 9f thinking m9iraillegiance is cute d9es n9t aut9matically inv9ke pr9-tr9ll sentiments  
GC2: but 1t sur3 h3lps >8]  
TG2: sides, callie loved the idea of moirailegience too  
TG2: poor callie  
GA2: If it is all the same to+ yo+u I shall take my leave.  
GA2: I am go+ing to+ try and make my hive a little bit mo+re….. hive-like.  
GC2: m4n you don’t n33d th4t sh1t  
GA2: I think I do+. All this white is dreadfully bo+ring.  
GA2: I am thinking o+f painting at least o+ne o+f the walls in the living quarters jade and perhaps see if I can alchemize a carpet o+f so+me so+rt.  
TA2: 5OUND5 8OR1NG 45 5H17  
GA2: I ho+pe to+ see everyo+ne so+o+n.  
\--genderAberrance [GA2] left memo--  
CC2: glub that noise  
CC2: imma help out with the miniboss thing  
CG1: CAN I COME WITH YOU?  
CG1: I AM STILL LEVEL ONE SO I AM PRETTY MUCH AS USELESS AS EGBERT. I REALLY NEED TO GAIN SOME LEVELS IF I’M NOT GOING TO COMPLETELY EMBARRAS MYSELF.  
CC2: whatever shouty, aint no big deal  
CC2: you wanna go to the forest maybe?  
CC2: sea if we can hook you up with some levels?  
CG1: YEAH. SOUNDS GOOD.  
CC2: later ya’ll  
\--cyprinidConquerer [CC2] left memo--  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG1] left memo--  
AG2: This memo is 8ecoming increasingly empty.  
TA1: ii don’t miind  
TA1: giive2 u2 2ome room to breathe  
TA2: 83C4U53 FUCK 7H3R3 4R3 7OO M4NY 57UP1D P3OPL3!!  
GC2: ch1ll mc you’ll g3t us3d to th3m  
TA2: YOU R34LLY 7H1NK 5O?  
GC2: d3f1n1t3ly  
CA2: wvhat do you mean wvith stupid people pal?  
TA2: 1 C4LL5 7H3M L1K3 1 F4KC1NG H34R 7H3M!  
CA2: kind of a rude thing to say  
TA2: R34LLY?  
TA2: 50RRY  
CA2: yeah is cool I guess….  
TA2: 8U7 1 4M NO7 R34LLY 50RRY  
GC2: 1f you two would k1ndly g3t 4long, th4t would b3 sup3r guys  
CA2: sorry  
TA2: 50RRY  
GG2: Sigh. I wanted to ask John for help but I suppose Vriska has him claimed already.  
CC1: what did you need him for?  
GG2: Well, I wanted to bake something for everyone. Unfortunately, it is quite the extensive task to do by my lonesome and I do not think Rolal can be trusted in the kitchen.  
TG2: she rigt  
TG2: i cant  
CC1: O)( That acshelly sounds like a lot of fun 38)  
CC1: It doesn’t have anyfin to do wit)( the condescension or her products though, right?  
CC1: Cause that would be a clam bother!  
GG2: I guarantee that this is 100% Betty Crocker free.  
CC1: FEFERI PEIXES, AT YOUR SURFISH!!   
GG2: Hoo hoo hoo, splendid.  
AC1: :33< dirk  
AC1: :33< meowlin  
AC1: :33< can we maybe speak in private now?  
CT: D--> There is nothing you need to tell them in private that can not be shared with the rest of us.  
AC1: :33< oh yes there can!  
AC1: :33< this doesn’t concern you  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ IT CONCERNS SHIPPING  
AC1: :33< aaaaaw yes!  
TG1: bro  
TG1: really  
TT2: Yes.  
TG1: that is really lame  
TG2: dave dav dove dave  
TG2: you should know better bi now  
TT1: Truly Dirk is the master of all ironies. It is him.  
TT2: You don’t even know Lalonde.  
TG1: how is this the least bit ironic  
AC1: :33< i will k33p the memo open if you still want to discuss other stuff  
AC1: :33< bye now  
AG2: Have fun with whatever shenanigans you will come up with. Perhaps I will join a future speed date session.  
TA1: ii wont  
TA2: 1 D3F1NN1717LY W0N7  
\--arsenicCatnip  [AC1] left memo--  
\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] left memo--  
\--timeausTestified [TT2] left memo--

Dirk sighed as he closed the memo. The only thing he discovered in his research on the black quadrants (basic mechanics and social functions not withstanding) was that he was amazingly bad at researching the black quadrant. The speed dates barely helped. Scanning through Aranea’s online smut library, which she foolishly kept on her private laptop, in a hidden folder, only protected with one password had been much more informative. He was fairly certain however that sand would not make a good substitute for lube, regardless of medium, quadrant or species involved.  
It only served to make Dirk more skeptical of his sources.

Meulin and Nepeta had already begun pestering him about their shipping plan but he still had a very important, if brief, conversation to hold.

\--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering autoResponder [AR]\--

TT: How is the strategy coming along?  
AR: Oh hello. How have you been?  
AR: What do you think about the weather?  
AR: Did you catch that game last night?  
TT: No, I did not. I was busy organizing speed dates.  
AR: So you finally got yourself a moirail. Good for you.  
TT: Now you are just being facetious to piss me off. You know I am not doing this to hook myself up.  
AR: Yeah, no shit. I can see by your online behavior that you’ve been busy.  
AR: Choice books you’ve picked by the way. ‘Perfect pitch’ and ‘’Black awakening’ must have been caliginious best-sellers on Beforus.  
TT: Only read by middle aged housetrolls who secretly fap to it but will deny all allegations.  
TT: Their kismesises are suddenly confronted with a lot of kinky material they aren’t used to.  
TT: Relationships were wrecked because of these books.  
AR: I bet.  
TT: I understand the concept of it now but the nuance is still lost on me.  
AR: I bet that too.  
TT: It is frustrating.  
AR: Are you just doing this because you need a shoulder to cry on?  
AR: You know you are never going to figure this shit out. You might as well let me handle it.  
TT: I am not sure if this method of reverse psychology works when I am completely aware you are only trying to goad me into figuring this shit out.  
AR: Yeah, no shit. I knew that you would realize it.  
AR: Also your cat trolls are calling for you.  
TT: Then I will make this quick.  
TT: I need you to hack into the chatclient and filter through everyone’s conversations. Find anything that has romantic inclinations between the two parties involved and send me the transcripts.  
TT: I want to hook the first people up as soon as possible to keep the insufferable hulk entertained.  
AR: Wait a minute here. Let me get this straight.  
AR: You are asking me to breach people’s privacy, go through their most intimate, private conversations and send you the juiciest ones?  
TT: Essentially.  
AR: I fucking love this job.  
TT: Alright, you start doing that while working on a proper strategy.  
TT: That is to say, if you can do these two complicated tasks simultaneously like you bragged about.  
AR: There is a 99% chance this reverse psychology shtick doesn’t work when I am completely aware of the fact that you are only trying to goad me into doing this.  
TT: I know you know.  
AR: There is also the fact that you are trying to manipulate an artificial intelligence by appealing to its pride. Good thinking.  
TT: Yeah, no shit. That’s what made it funny.  
AR: Or did it?  
TT: Ugh, you know what? You get on those tasks and I’ll see what the Leijons want from me.  
AR: Roger that.

**\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] opened memo: secret hearts club of secrets \\(=^..^=)/--**

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] invited arsenicCatnip [AC1] to memo--  
\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] invited timeausTestified [TT] to memo--  
AC1: :33< oh gosh meowlin  
AC1: :33< you just HAVE to tell me about your new ships :))  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THERE WERE SO MANY GOOD PALE PAIRINGS!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ JADE X RUFIOH, RUFIOH X VRISKA, JADE X PORRIM!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ ALL OF MY F33LS NEPETA. I JUST CANNOT HOLD THEM!!!!  
AC1: :33< oh those sound really fun  
AC1: :33< im not sure about jade and purrim but it sounds like it could be a cute couple  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THEY ARE ALL MY BABIES!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE THEM SITTING ON A PILE AND DISCUSSING THEIR F33LINGS?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS SO COMPLETELY ADORABLE!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTP’S?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DID YOU GET ANY NEW ONES FROM THE SP33D DATES?!  
AC1: :33< err… not really  
AC1: :33< most dates didn’t really work  
AC1: :33< i don’t think dirk had much success either  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT IS K33PING THAT SILLY HUMAN ANYWAY!?!?!  
AC1: :33< it is kinda surpurising to s33 a human wants to ship with us  
AC1: :33< i like it :))  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH YES. WE DEFURNITELY N33D MORE SHIPPURS ON DECK!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I WAS THINKING LIKE, I COULD DO THE PALE SHIPS, YOU COULD DO THE RED ONES AND HE COULD TAKE THE BLACK ONES.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE’LL BE ONE UNSTOPPABLE FURCE OF SHIPPING!!!  
AC1: :33< what about ashen ships?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, I AM SURE THEY WILL BE SORTED OUT EVENTUALLY!  
AC1: :33< i do like the idea of having purisdiction ofur the red quadrants  
AC1: :33< i really have a few furry good ideas that i would love to try  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ S33? THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT!!!  
TT: Yeah, if you could not saddle me up with the black quadrants….. That would be great.  
AC1: :33< actually i think it’s a wonderfur idea!  
TT: I don’t think you know what you are doing to me. You are throwing a hydrophobic puppy in a big ocean of ships here.  
AC1: :33< oh no!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ NOT THE PUPPY!!!  
TT: The metaphor here being that I don’t know shit about kismesissitude.  
AC1: :33< but i think you’ll be fine  
AC1: :33< and you have me and meowlin to help you if things get too difficult  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ COME ON DIRK, GIVE IT A SHOT!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BELIEVE IN THE US WHO BELIEVE IN THE YOU!!!  
TT: This is a horrible idea.  
AC1: :33< pleeeeeeeaaaaaaase  
TT: Fine, I’ll give it a shot.   
TT: I’ll sow the seeds of hate and will reap precious kismesissitudes among our peers.  
TT: I am the best farmer. It’s me.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU JUST SAID THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!!!  
TT: Oh, it definitely is. I’m a bad farmer on the edge but I get results.  
TT: The boss farmer is always angry at me but can’t fire me because my crops are so damn fresh.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL IF YOU SAY SO!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ AS LONG AS YOU DON’T HAVE ANY SHIPS IN YOUR HARBORS, WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MINE??!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT TO HOOK UP RUFIOH WITH VRISKA AND JADE WITH PURRIM.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK OUT?  
AC1: :33< i think you know better than us :PP  
AC1: :33< pursonally i just think vwiskers n33ds a moirail really bad  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ AND I WILL GIVE HER ONE!   
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SHIP ALL THE SHIPS!!!!  
TT: Aye aye captain.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ AND WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT JADE AND PURRIM?!?!  
TT: I barely know them so yeah. Go nuts.  
AC1: :33< i am not sure to be honest  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY NOT?!  
AC1: :33< they both s33m too stable to be in a pale relation together  
AC1: :33< a meowrail is someone who helps you grow and i am not sure if they can help each other with that  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ PURRIM HAS HER OWN HANG UPS AND I AM SURE JADE DOES TOO!!!! THEY ARE PEOPLE LIKE EFURRYONE ELSE.  
TT: Besides, don’t Rose and the other Maryam have a pale thing going on too?  
TT: They seem pretty stable.  
AC1: :33< im not saying it cant work or that you shouldn’t try  
AC1: :33< im just saying it might not be the best pairing  
AC1: :33< what about jade and rufioh and purrim with vwiskers?  
AC2: \\(=-..-=)/ VRISKA AND PURRIM DIDN’T S33M VERY COMPATIBLE.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I’M JUST GONNA TRY IT BUT I’LL K33P IN MIND WHAT YOU SAID.  
AC1: :33< alright!  
AC1: :33< we’ll s33 if we can think of any good red or black ships  
TT: Are we?  
AC1: :33< we are!!  
AC1: :33< good luck meulin!!  
TT: Yeah, break a leg.  
AC2: \\(=0..0=)/ EXCUSE YOU!?!?!?!  
TT: Human figure of speech. Don’t pay it much mind. It essentially means: go out and do the thing.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I’LL K33P YOU UP TO DATE!!!!

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] left memo--

Hal was doing his work. While Dirk engaged in small talk with Nepeta, he could follow the conversations of Meulin in another tab. He would have to thank his Autoresponder somehow.

\--absoluteCatastrophe[AC] began trolling ascendedTaurus [AT]\--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HELLO RUFIOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
AT: hey doll…  
AT: really lett1ng out a w1ld herd of shout poles aren’t you?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU KNOW IT!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WILL RELEASE ALL THE SHOUT POLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AT: so what 1s up?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH YOU KNOW, NOTHING SPECIAL. JUST WORKING ON THE BESTEST SHIPS EFUR!!!!  
AT: neat…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU BUSY R1GHT NOW?  
AT: eh, not really… just spend1ng some t1me on troll1an, ch1ll1ng, all the good stuff…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU CATTING WITH A SPECIAL LITTLE SOMEONE?!?!?!?!  
AT: you seem very eager to beg1n to sa1l1ng new metaphor1cal sh1ps…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM JUST SO EXCITED BECAUSE I DECIDED TO SHIP YOU FURST!!!!!!!  
AT: me?  
AT: 1 am flattered 1 guess, but 1 am not sure that’s necessary…  
AT: the speed dates were just for fun r1ght?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WHY STOP THERE WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH PURTENTIAL GOING ON!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO LET ALL THE PURTENTIAL GO TO WASTE, WOULD YOU?!?!?!  
AT: no, that def1n1tely sounds l1ke a wasteful th1ng to do…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THE MOST WASTEFUL!!!!  
AT: so why sh1p me f1rst?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BECLAWS YOU WERE DOING SO WELL DURING THE SP33D DATES!!!  
AT: 1 wasn’t do1ng anyth1ng spec1al doll…  
AT: 1 am pretty sure jade and porr1m were do1ng just as well…  
AC: \\(=>..>=)/ OKAY, I SORTA KINDA MAY HAVE AN ULPURRIOR MOTIVE BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY!!!!  
AT: sure…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I KNOW I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAVORITES AND STUFF BUT YOU ARE MY MOIRAIL’S MATESPRIT SO I KINDA FIGURE: HUH, IF HE HAS A MOIRAIL TO K33P HIM IN LINE, HE’LL BE AN EVEN BETTER MATESPRIT FOR MY MOIRAIL. SCORE!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’S LIKE, A WIN FUR YOU IS A WIN FUR HORUSS IS A WIN FUR ME!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG I CAN BE SUCH A GOOD MEOWRAIL SOMETIMES!!!!!  
AT: err... alr1ght doll, 1f you say so…  
AC: \\(=x..x=)/ SO IT’S MAYBE A LITTLE SELFISH?  
AT: 1 guess?  
AT: 1ts not too bad, but 1 guess you do have some sort of personal agenda w1th sh1pp1ng me…  
AC: \\(=TT..TT=)/ SORRY!!!!!!  
AT: 1ts not that b1g a deal... you have to start w1th someone r1ght.  
AT: so how do you want to do th1s?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT YOU TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR PALE QUADRANT!!!!!  
AT: well… 1ts empty?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DUUURRRR, I KNEW THAT.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU WENT TO THE SP33D DATES AND I THINK YOU HAD SOME GREAT CHEMISTRY GOING ON WITH JADE AND ARANEA’S DANCESTOR.  
AT: vr1ska, yeah… she’s alr1ght…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LIKE MOIRAIL MATERIAL ALRIGHT? BECLAWS I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO SHIP YOU TWO.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THE TWO OF YOU S33M LIKE SUCH A CUTE PALE PAIR TOGETHER, MOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SHE IS ALL ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES AND ANGRY AND MEAN AND YOU CAN JUST BE LIKE ‘CHILL DOLL’. IT’LL BE SO PURFECT!!!!!!  
AT: err…. she 1s a fox but 1 don’t th1nk 1 want her as my mo1ra1l…  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ NO?!?! WHY NOT?!?!  
AT: 1 don’t know?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE SINKING SHIPS HERE RUFIOH, YOU BETTER HAVE AN EXPLANATION!!!!!!  
AT: 1 guess... 1 don’t th1nk she 1s pale for me?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU KITTEN? THEN WHY WAS SHE ALL OFUR YOU DURING THE SP33D DATE???!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MY SHIPPING SENSES ARE NEFUR OFF!!! I CALL SHENANIGANS!!!!  
AT: look, she 1s a b1t of a babe… but 1 don’t see us be1ng pale…  
AT: h*ck, 1 don’t th1nk she wants to be pale w1th me…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I DIDN’T REALLY THINK SHE WAS GOING BLACK FUR YOU DURING DATE BUT MAYBE SHE WAS BEING REALLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I DON’T KNOW VRISKA THAT WELL BUT IF SHE IS ANYTHING LIKE ARANEA THAT MAY ACTUALLY BE A THING NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.  
AT: can we maybe stop talk1ng about vr1ska?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEAH, NO USE TALKING ABOUT SHIPS THAT AREN’T GOING TO WORK….. NOT OUTSIDE THE SECRET SHIPPING MEMO THAT IS.  
AT: there 1s a secret sh1pp1ng memo?  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ NO!  
AC: \\(=^..^;=)/ WHAT GIVES YOU THAT IDEA?!?!?!?!  
AT: you, 1 guess...  
AT: there totally 1s a secret sh1pp1ng memo 1sn’t there?  
AC: \\(=<..<=)/ MAYBE????  
AC: \\(=u..u=)/ YES……………..  
AT: that’s cool… 1ts neat that you have people to share your very pecul1ar 1nterests w1th 1 guess…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ STOP DISTRACTING ME!!! WE ARE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHIPS!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IS THERE ANYONE ELSE YOU HAVE A BIT OF A PALE CRUSH ON?!?!?!  
AT: err... how about we d1scuss someth1ng that has noth1ng to do w1th sh1pp1ng at all?  
AT: l1ke, what level are you at doll?  
AT: everyone’s been busy f1ght1ng monsters left and r1ght…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM LEVEL ONE!!!!  
AT: that’s not that hot… maybe you should jo1n a party next t1me… just to keep up you know…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GAME RUFIOH!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR PALE CRUSHES!!!!!!!  
AT: that’s not someth1ng you can just share w1th anyone meul1n…  
AT: 1ts not l1ke you go around tell1ng me all about your flush or black crushes…   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH THAT’S EASY!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I HAVE NONE!!!!!  
AT: wa1t really?  
AT: 1 thought you and makara had someth1ng go1ng on…  
AC: \\(=>..>=)/ DID YOU PAY ANY ATTENTION DURING THAT LAST HORRIBLE BATTLE!!?  
AT: 1 am afra1d 1 got done 1n pretty qu1ckly back there…  
AT: so no 1 guess?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL, WE ARE NOT TOGETHER NOW AND WE ARE NEFUR, EFUR *EFUR* GETTING BACK TOGETHER!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM NOT WASTING MY QUADRANTS ON HIM!!!  
AT: sorry to hear that…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY QUADRANT SITUATION, NOW YOU TELL YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!  
AT: aah sh*t… 1s that how 1t goes?  
AT: 1 suppose that 1s k1nda fa1r…  
AT: 1f you must know 1 have been chatt1ng w1th jade… 1 am leg1t1mately surpr1sed w1th how f*cking cool she 1s… pardon my language.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ GO ON!!!!  
AT: honestly… 1f all humans are so swell they w1ll all have mo1ra1ls 1n no t1me. she 1s very honest w1th me and 1sn’t afra1d to uhm… verbally k1ck my *ss about stuff 1 d1d wrong…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU TOLD HER ABOUT THE DAMARA THING?!?!?!?!?  
AT: 1 told her about the damara th1ng…  
AC: /(=O..O=)\ AND SHE ACTUALLY S33MED SUPPORTIVE ABOUT IT!?!?!?!?  
AT: well… yes and no?  
AT: she really d1dn’t approve of 1t… at all… but she wanted to adv1ce me anyway...  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ ON HOW TO CHEAT?!?!?!?  
AT: on how to be a better person… and not do that stuff…  
AT: she suggested 1 make some elaborate apology to damara but 1 really don’t th1nk she knows damara that well…  
AC: \\(=u..u=)/ YEAH…. I’LL TRY GETTING AROUND HOOKING HER UP WITH A MOIRAIL SOME DAY……  
AT: haha… good luck w1th that…  
AT: 1 feel bad for the troll that’s go1ng to try and pap her 1nto l1ne…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL MAYBE THAT IS A LITTLE YOUR FAULT!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AND SPEAKING OF PAPPING!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WOULD YOU BE UP FOR A LITTLE DATE WITH JADE?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HAHAHAHAHAHA MOG THAT RHYMES!!!!!  
AT: 1t uhm… doesn’t really?  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ SHUT UP, IT TOTALLY DOES!!!!  
AT: not really…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU WANT A DATE WITH JADE OR NOT?!?!?!?!  
AT: are you for real?  
AT: 1 mean sure, 1’d love to  
AT: that’d be cool… 1f she’s l1ke, 1nto that…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I’M GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I’LL REPORT BACK TO YOU!!!!!!  
AT: wa1t, you don’t even know whether or not th1s’ll work?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LET’S ASK HER!!!!!  
AT: oh g*ds… now 1 am gett1ng k1nda nervous…

\--absoluteCatastrophe[AC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]\--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH JADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: hi meulin!!! :D :D :D  
GG: thank you for hosting the speed dates, I had so much fun.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, REALLY?!?!?!??!  
GG: oh yes :)  
GG: I made friends with you and rufioh and porrim, I got to see karkat and tavros again, it was just a great afternoon  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YAY!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT JADE!!!! THAT MAKES ME SUPER DUPER HAPPY!!!!!  
GG: hihihihih :B  
GG: so what are you doing today?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM WORKING ON SOME OF THE BEST SHIPS EFUR!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LIKE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PURFECT THESE ARE!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ RUFIOH KINDA RUINED MY PURIGINAL PLAN BUT IT IS STILL GOING TO BE A FURRY CUTE SHIP!!!!!!!!  
GG: oh, shipping sounds fun :P  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT FURST I AM GOING TO N33D YOUR HELP!!!!!  
GG: my help :o?  
GG: what do you need?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EFURRYTHING ABOUT YOUR PALE QUADRANT AND CRUSHES!!!!!  
GG: oh, well……  
GG: i really don’t know where to begin?  
GG: humans don’t really do moiraillegiance even though i think we kinda should.  
GG: then again, we have each other for support and stuff, so I guess that is something?  
AC: \\(=@..@=)/ YES, THAT FURRY BIZARRE ‘HUMAN-ZONE’. I HAD ALREADY OBSERVED IT.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, IT IS SO CUTE EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!!! HOW PRECIOUS ARE YOU HUMANS EVEN?!?!?!?!  
GG: we are the most precious :B  
GG: but can i still be in the ‘human-zone’ if I have a moirail?  
GG: i really don’t want to stop being friends with rose and dave and john :(  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK YOU CAN?!?!?! I AM SURE THERE ARE NO RULES AGAINST IT!?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HUMANS ARE WEIRD!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT, LET’S TALK YOU AND YOUR PALE CRUSHES!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WAS THERE ANYONE FROM THE SP33D DATES YOU REALLY LIKED?!?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=>..>=)/ LIKE MAYBE SOMEONE WITH COMEDICALLY OVERSIZED HORNS?!?!?!?!?!  
GG: you mean rufioh?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK HE REALLY N33DS A MOIRAIL AND HE THINKS YOU WOULD MAKE A FINE ONE!!!!  
GG: aaaaaw, that’s so sweet :)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BECAUSE OF ALL THE CHAT-TALKS THE TWO OF YOU HAD!!!!  
GG: but i chat with a lot of people :P  
GG: even if i wouldn’t count the other humans, there is still tavros and karkat and kanaya and porrim  
GG: i can’t be everyone’s moirail can i? :/  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO THAT WOULD BE FURRY SILLY!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ALSO SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE WAY TOO SMUTTY!!!!  
GG: smutty? :o  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL YEAH, ITS JUST NOT DONE!!!  
AC: \\(=@..@=)/ THEN AGAIN, YOU HUMANS ARE PURTY WEIRD!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO BE MOIRAILS WITH RUFIOH?!?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WOULD YOU?!?!?! WOULD YOU?!?!?!? WOULD YOU ?!?!?!?!  
GG: those are three would you’s :P  
GG: and i guess i wouldn’t mind but it seems very important, to trolls at least  
GG: does he really want me to be his moirail?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS THE MOST IMPURTANT AND YES HE DOES!!!!  
AC: \\(=u..u;=)/ I KINDA ORIGINALLY INTENDED TO SHIP YOU WITH PURRIM AND RUFIOH WITH VRISKA BUT RUFIOH DOESN’T THINK VRISKA IS PALE FUR HIM, SO YEAH!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SHIPPING IS HARD JADE!!!!  
AC: \\(=TT..TT=)/ IT’S HARD AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!!!  
GG: oh i wouldn’t have minded being porrim’s moirail either, she is a very cool lady :B  
GG: but if you wouldn’t mind, what EXACTLY does a moirail?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH IT IS SIMPLY THE BESTEST!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ A MOIRAIL IS SOMEONE THAT HELPS YOU GROW AS A PURSON, HELPS WITH EFURRYDAY AND EMOTIONAL PUROBLEMS AND GROOMS YOU TO BE MORE ELIGIBLE FOR THE CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS!!!!  
GG: so basically we help each other out and try to find each other boy or girlfriends?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MATESPURITES AND HISMESISES, YES!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ FOR EXAMPLE, I HELPED HORUSS TO STOP BEING SUCH A NEGATIVE TROLL. HE WAS ALWAYS FROWNING AND STUFF, SO I SAID TO HIM, I SAID: HORUSS, YOU N33D TO BE PAWSITIVE BECLAWS BEING PAWSITIVE IS LIKE, THE MOST IMPURTANT THING TO BE!!!!  
GG: he used to be negative?  
GG: from what i have seen he was pretty optimistic.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I KNOW!!!! I HELPED!!!! MOIRAILLEGIANCE IS THE BEST THING EFUR!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS ALSO USED TO CURB……….. DESTRUCTIVE URGES!!!!!!!  
GG: oh no!  
GG: oh wait, actually…. i think karkat did mention something about this.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES, WE TROLLS GO A LITTLE WILD SOMETIMES. A MOIRAIL HELPS WITH SOOTHING PAPS AND TENDER SHOOSHES AND SQUEEEEEE!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’S ALL JUST SO GOOD!!!!!  
GG: hahahahaha, you are pretty funny meulin :B :B :B  
GG: so i have to help rufioh become a better person, help him get a girlfriend and make sure he doesn’t get destructive  
GG: i can do that :)  
GG: but we still get to hang out and be friends and stuff right?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES YES!!!! IT IS OFTEN SAID THAT A MOIRAIL IS A TROLL’S BEST FRIEND!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’S NOT ALWAYS STRICTLY TRUE BUT YOU KNOW, IT OFTEN HAPPENS!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS SO ROMANTIC HOW TWO FRIENDS CAN SLOWLY BECOME CLOSER, NOT REALIZING THAT THEY ARE PALE FUR EACH OTHER AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN THEY JUST BEGIN JAMMING ON THE PILE AND OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: like kanaya and rose maybe?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MAYBE!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO WOULD YOU LIKE FUR ME TO ARRANGE A PALE DATE WITH RUFIOH?!?!?!?!  
GG: sure :)  
GG: i can’t wait  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!!!!!!  
GG: hahahaha it makes me happy to make you happy :)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO HERE’S WHERE WE’L M33T.

* * *

 

Meulin was one of the few trolls to have actually bothered with decorating after arriving on their odd new world. She had grown accustomed to having her respiteblock filled with animeposters, fluffy pillows and toys filled with catnip. Not that she had a problem with catnip anymore, she was just holding onto it. For a friend.  
She was also very fond of soft fluffy carpet. If she ever felt particularly playful she could get on all fours and pounce around like a kitty-cat without the hard floor hurting her knees. Most of the decorations from the speed dates still hung around but she had already decided to keep them. She was incredibly fond of the quadrant symbols that decorated her door, even if she realized they were a bit silly.

Like the proper host that she was, Meulin had alchemized some tea for her guests and extra pillows she formed into a discreet pile, just big enough to be used if a few additional pillows were gathered (located tactfully on the couch) but not big enough for it to be obvious. Truly she was the mistress of subtlety. She wouldn’t want to force the two future moirails to perform any salacious acts in front of her though she certainly would not complain. Amateur jams were hot.

It wasn’t long before a bashful Rufioh knocked on her door. Not long after that a very bouncy jade entered her hive as well. The pieces were in place. Now it was just a matter of making sure efurrything went according to plan! Meulin took her place to carefully observe the couple, remaining close enough to hear everything the future couple said to one another.

“Err….. Meulin, you know we can see you right!?” Rufioh exclaimed, making sure she could hear him. Apparently, her very sneaky hiding place under the table was not as sneaky as she had previously assumed.  
“PURTEND I AM NOT HERE!” she answered.”I AM JUST HERE TO MAKE SURE EFURRYTHING GOES SMOOTHLY!!”  
“Meulin, we can see your tail…” two hands appeared from under the table and quickly snatched the fuzzy green tail, hiding it from sight.  
“THERE IS NO MEULIN HERE!”  
“Kinda want some privacy…” Rufioh groaned, increasingly annoyed. Jade however came to the rescue and grabbed his hands, immediately drawing attention to herself.

“So uhm…. I’ve never been on a pale date before.” She confessed with a goofy smile.”So I don’t really know how this goes.”  
“Well it kinda depends on the couple doll.” He explained, completely forgetting the troll under the table.”Some couples like to hang out and watch movies, others just tend to cuddle a lot…. I’ve always been impartial to going outdoors together. Maybe take a long walk, being close to nature.”  
“Oh, we can do that.” Jade grinned.”and then we talk about feelings and stuff?” the troll pondered.  
“Well, not all the time but yeah. It’s a big part of it… I mean, if you are cool with that.”  
“I wouldn’t have come if I wasn’t.” the human smiled and shuffled closer to Rufioh.”So did you manage to smooth things over with Damara?”  
“Yeah well….. Not really.” the troll turned his gaze to the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the room.”I don’t see that happening any time soon.”  
“Not with thát attitude.”  
“It’s just that I really messed up. Like, messed up big time.” Rufioh sighed.”I don’t think she WANTS to forgive me and frankly doll, I don’t blame her.”  
“Well you are not getting anywhere thinking like that.” she leaned against him and joined him in staring at the ceiling.”She’s a person too.”  
“I know….”  
“Just be honest with her and everyone else and it’ll be fine.”  
“I guess….. It’s just really messed up.” He sighed.

The two of them sat in silence for a while. Meulin was trying her best to catch every word and not squee in enjoyment every time the two of them made the slightest move that could be interpretated as pale. This ship would sail, she could feel it.  
Jade tentatively touched the rim of his wings and gave him a concerned look, as if she waited for his okay. He leaned a little closer, giving her easier acces. She chuckled and hugged him. The troll let her but wasn’t entirely sure what to do with his own hands.

“Is there anything that bothers you?” Rufioh finally asked. He wrapped his arm arm around her but his hand was hovering awkwardly over her shoulder. Jade didn’t immediately respond and for a moment he thought she didn’t hear him.  
“It’s kinda silly….” she said, smiling wryly.”I don’t really want to bother anyone with it.”  
“Drat Jade, you can bother me with it.” A quiet squeal could be heard from underneath the table but Rufioh chose to ignore it.  
“Well, everyone kind of lost their guardian at some point during the game, so I feel bad complaining about it.” Jade explained.”But mine always survived in some form. First he became a sprite to protect me and then he fused with my dreamself and then fused with me when I became godtier, so somehow he was always with me. He was a good dog and my best friend.” her expression drooped.”Losing my godtier means that Bec is actually really gone now and I guess that…… kinda makes me sad.”

She hiccupped and began trembling. When Rufioh looked at the human girl beside her, she actually seemed to be fighting back her tears. It seemed like she didn’t expect this reaction herself and she turned to him with a confused expression. He sighed and wanted to give her a compassionate hug but she already dug her face in his chest.  
This had already turned into their first feelingsjam together and Meulin was beyond herself in glee. It was everything a first jam should be: intense, confusing and a little sloppy but good for everyone involved.

“ Yeah….. I can understand that sentiment…..” he mumbled. Jade took a deep breath before dislodging herself and smiling sheepishly.  
“Sorry…. Didn’t think I’d….. You know.”  
“That’s cool.” Rufioh kept his arm around her.”Sometimes you just need to let it out you know?” She wiped the tears from her eyes and nuzzled against him. His bronze wings fluttered at the contact.  
“Do you miss your lusus?”  
“A little….” the troll admitted.”But he was always close by in the dreambubbles and we were in there for a long time… If we had actually lived in the real world, he would have died from natural causes long ago, so I kinda counted myself lucky.” Jade nodded and grinned playfully.  
“So far it seems you have everything under control.” she teased.”Are you sure you even need a moirail?”  
“Everyone needs a moirail…..” Rufioh groaned.”And there IS something really bothering me. I just can’t…….”  
“Oh?” the human’s interest was piqued.”What’s wrong?”  
“I…..” he looked pained.”I really can’t say….”  
“Well why not?” she asked surprised. He didn’t answer.”I thought moirails were supposed to do that kinda stuff.” The troll remained quiet.”Am I wrong? Or is it something you can’t tell me? Or do you simply not want to?” His lack of feedback was making her nervous. “Is it because I’m human?”  
Still no response.  
“ do you just not wanna do this moirail thing?” Jade didn’t want to sound worried but her voice betrayed her. She was actually pretty fond of the idea of getting a moirail. Rufioh practically jumped up from the couch to explain.  
“No, no.. No… I actually….” he looked a little awkward. “I actually really want you to be my moirail…. Honest.” Jade wanted to jump up and hug him and he wasn’t done yet. “You are probably the first person I can talk about this stuff with and be comfortable with… I am just sure you’ll be a great moirail…”  
“Then why can’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Jade asked, now legitimately concerned. The troll just pointed to the table.  
“There is someone else here.”

Meulin’s ears perked up. Rufioh was just about to confess a heartfelt secret but wouldn’t because she was there. She had to make sure he was going through with it the only way she knew how.

“THERE IS NO ONE ELSE HERE!” came from the inconspicuous table.”EVERYTHING YOU SAY HERE WILL BE KEPT IN COMPLETE AND UTTER CONFURDENCE!”  
“Are you sure?” Rufioh sighed, a bit more relaxed. Jade was shamelessly testing out the sensitivity of his horns and it felt better then it had any right too.  
“PAWSITIVE! THERE IS JUST YOU, JADE AND THE TABLE IN HERE!!!”

Rufioh grabbed the wandering hands of Jade and removed them from his horns. It felt great but this was hardly the time for such activities. He’d probably have to inform her of proper horn-etiquette later but for now there were more serious matters to discuss.

 

“The thing is…” he mumbled in sober earnest.”The thing that is bothering me is…..I really need to break up with my matesprit…. but I don’t know how….”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun Dun Duuuuuuun!!!!
> 
> Also yay, first ship sailed. Now let's go sink one. Only half a bilion ships left to ship and plenty of tiny plot things to happen.
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr now, [because that is a thing](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/)


	4. Closing doors

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] opened memo: secret hearts club of secrets \\(=^..^=)/--

\--absoluteCatastrophe  [AC2] invited arsenicCatnip  [AC1] to memo--  
\--absoluteCatastrophe  [AC2] invited timeausTestified  [TT] to memo--  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ WE HAVE A PURROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ I REPEAT: WE HAVE A MAJOR PURROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=TT..TT=)/ I N33D HELP!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< oh my god what is it? :oo  
TT: Something going on?  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ THERE IS SOMETHING HAPPENING THAT IS REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* WRONG!!!!  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ OH MY MOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: It helps if you actually explain what is wrong, as opposed to your current inane gibbering.  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ I WAS GETTING TO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< so tell us what is wrong!  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ RUFIOH!!!!!! RUFIOH IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< oh…  
AC1: :33< did he not want to hook up with vwiskers?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL….. NO. BUT THAT ISN’T WHAT’S WRONG!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HE HOOKED UP WITH JADE INSTEAD ANYWAY SO YAY, WE HAVE A SHIP!!!!!  
AC1: :33< yay!!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< good going meowlin!  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ SAVE IT FUR LATER!!!!! ALERT!!!!! CODE RED!!!!! ALL HANDS ON DECK!!!! WE STILL HAVE A BIG ISSUE!!!!!  
TT: I will just sit here patiently behind my desk until you can bring yourself to share this seemingly crucial information.  
TT: Perhaps I will start a game of patience and watch the cards jump out in an effect that was really impressive for windows 95. I am sure Hal can appreciate the irony.  
AC2: \\(=u..u=)/ MOG FINE!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ DURING THE F33LINGSJAM WITH JADE, RUFIOH CONFESSED THAT HE WANTED TO BREAK UP WITH HORUSS!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ MY FAFURITE RED SHIP IS SINKING!!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< oh no!!! :oo  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ HORUSS WILL BE DEVASTATED!!!! I WILL BE DEVASTATED!!!!  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ WHAT CAN WE DO TO PURVENT THIS?  
TT: Depends.  
TT: How serious is Rufioh over the break up?  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, HE’S WAY TOO SERIOUS!!!!  
AC2: \\(=u..u=)/ MOG, HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?!?!?!?!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I COULD HAVE SWORN THOSE TWO HAD THE MOST PURFECT MATESPRITSHIP EFUR!!!!  
TT: How serious is way too serious?  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ HE TOLD JADE HE HAS B33N TIP-TOEING AROUND THIS FOR SW33PS!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ SW33PS DIRK!!!!!!! SW33PS!!!!!  
TT: I know what those are.  
TT: Continue.  
AC2: \\(=o..o=)/ HE MUST HAVE B33N WORKING ON THIS CRAZY IDEA OF HIS SINCE THE DREAMBUBBLES!!!!  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT I BET DAMARA’S BEHIND THIS!!!!  
AC2: \\(=TT..TT=)/ OH THIS IS SUCH A CATASTROPHE!!!!!  
AC1: :33< calm down meulin  
AC1: :33< we are getting to the bottom of this  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE RIGHT!!!! I HAVE TO STAY PAWSITIVE!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SURE RUFIOH AND HORUSS CAN TALK IT OUT. AFTER ALL, THEY HAVE B33N TOGETHER FUR SO LONG!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^;=)/ MOG, WHAT WAS I EVEN GETTING CONCERNED ABOUT?!?!?!?!  
TT: About the very real possibility that Rufioh is on his way to break up with his boyfriend?  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ WE CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN!!!!!  
TT: Just the human element in here but if the guy has let it fester for so long, it’s probably for the best.  
TT: Stuff like that just builds up like toxic.  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ THAT IS THE WORST ATTITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ WE N33D TO HELP THEM FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Look, if Rufioh has been brooding this for literal sweeps then I think he knows what he wants by now.  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ BUT HE IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: He is wrong?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!!  
TT: He is wrong about his own feelings?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Ugh……  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ NOW LET’S THINK ABOUT THIS! HOW DO WE MEND THE SITUATION AND GET OUR LOVELY BABIES CLOSER TOGETHER?!?!?!?!?!  
AC1: :33< has he really b33n wanting to break up fur so long?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, YES!!!! THAT’S NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< have you maybe considered that he doesn’t want our help then?  
AC2: \\(=u..u=)/ OF COURSE HE WANTS OUR HELP!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ HE IS ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE EFUR!!!!!!  
TT: He seems to have put too much thought into it for it to be a mistake.  
AC1: :33< i mean, we can try and talk to rufioh about it  
AC1: :33< but if he is dead set on breaking up with horuss then there really isn’t much we can do :((  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ BUT THEN THEY’LL BREAK UP!!!!!!!  
TT: Well yeah. Alternatively, Horuss will be stuck with a matesprit who doesn’t really love him.  
TT: Either way, he loses.  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ MOG THAT IS SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WE CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: We can try to soften the blow as best we can. We may be able to have Rufioh postpone the break up.  
AC1: :33< but if he really wants to do it, we can’t stop him  
TT: Exactly.  
AC2: \\(=u..u=)/ …………………………  
AC2: \\(=TT..TT=)/ THAT IS REALLY SAD YOU GUYS….  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ I WANT TO HELP MY MOIRAIL AND I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY IN HIS MATESPRITSHIP AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ IF WE DON’T DO ANYTHING THEY’LL BREAK UP AND IT’LL BE MY FAULT CAUSE I GAVE RUFIOH THE MOIRAIL TO LET HIM GO THROUGH WITH IT!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=u..u=)/ AND AND AND HORUSS WILL BE SO SAD….. I CAN’T EVEN!!!!  
AC1: :33< well you’re his moirail aren’t you?  
AC1: :33< you have to be there fur horuss and help him through it.  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ I KNOW!!!!  
AC2: \\(=u..u=)/ BUT WHAT IF RUFIOH GETS REALLY NASTY OR HURTS HIS F33L1NGS?!?!  
AC2: \\(=>..>=)/ I ALREADY CLAWED AT HIS FACE FUR SAYING HE WANTED TO BREAK UP WITH HORUSS!!!!!  
AC1: :33< i suppaws that is your right as moirail  
AC1: :33< but ouch  
AC2: \\(=^..^;=)/ YEAH, IN HINDSIGHT THAT WASN’T FURRY NICE OF ME!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SO HOW ARE WE DOING TO DO THIS?!?!?!?!?!  
TT: I’ll talk with Rufioh for a bit, see what his big plan is and if he isn’t planning anything too wild, I will let him go through with it.  
TT: You in the mean time go to Horuss so you’ll be there to soften the blow.  
AC1: :33< that’s purrobably the best idea now  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG…….. WE ARE REALLY DOING THIS?  
AC1: :33< well, they are making it happen  
AC1: :33< what can i do in the mean time?  
TT: Well, we should really get on with shipping. Meulin is in the lead, you just lost a ship and I am playing to win.  
AC1: :33< oh, is it a game?  
AC1: :33< beclaws in that case i will unleash ALL the ships :PP!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THIS ISN’T A GAME DIRK!!!!!  
TT: Right, right.  
TT: I’ll go talk to Rufioh then.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MAYBE I SHOULD DO IT!!!!  
TT: No, what you need to do is get to Horuss asap. For all we know, he already did the break up thing and the poor guy is just sobbing on the bathroom floor.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH NO!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE RIGHT, I SHOULD GO RIGHT AWAY. THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE!!!!!  
\--absoluteCatastrophe  [AC2] left memo--  
TT: So yeah. Time to hear out Rufioh I guess.  
AC1: :33< this really kinda stinks  
AC1: :33< i wish i could be off more help  
TT: Hey, if you like you can do the talking with Rufioh.  
AC1: :33< no thanks  
AC1: :33< i am really not that good with break ups and stuff  
AC1: :33< they make me really sad  
AC1: :33< i only support it beclaws sometimes it is just the right thing to do even if i don’t like it  
TT: Speaking from experience?  
AC1: :33< second hand expurrience  
AC1: :33< i’ve s33n equius deal with a break up and it really wasn’t pretty  
TT: Right. So Meulin is going to support her moirail and you are going to support Meulin?  
AC1: :33< hihi, i think i can do that :))  
TT: Rad. Then I am going to see what the troll of the hour is doing.  
AC1: :33< and i am going to win twice as hard to ship all the ships after losing this one!  
TT: Nice. Keep us posted.  
\--timeausTestified [TT] left memo--  
\--arsenicCatnip [AC] left memo--

\--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering ascendedTauros [AT]\--  
TT: Yo.  
AT: hey… you?  
TT: Yeah, you don’t really know me but that’s alright. We briefly met during the speed dates. You know, I was the incredibly handsome doorman showing you where to go for your genre of choice.  
TT: I took your coat and was generally suave as fuck.  
AT: yeah, 1 th1nk 1 know who you are…  
AT: you were k1nda d1ff1cult to m1ss.  
TT: Magnetic charm. I know.  
AT: sure…  
AT: anyway, not to be rude but can you keep th1s short?  
AT: 1 am k1nd of 1n the m1ddle of someth1ng…  
TT: Yeah I know. Breaking up with your respective love interest can be a massive pain in the ass   
AT: oh… news travels fast…  
TT: It helps that I am in cahoots with Meulin or this would have been the shittiest surprise ever.  
AT: she d1d ment1on someth1ng about a secret sh1pp1ng memo…   
AT: …you d1dn’t tell horuss d1d you?  
TT: No man, don’t shove that shit on my plate. Those nasty veggies are all yours.  
TT: But I feel you man. Break ups are an incredibly pain in the butt and I am talking prison-type pains in the ass.  
AT: 1 do not follow…  
TT: Seriously massive aching of the gluteus maximus, so bad that the very sight of a chair will cause you to flinch in agony. No p1llow w1ll be cushy enough to ease that harm, let me tell you.  
AT: are you go1ng anywhere w1th th1s?  
TT: This train is headed for butthurt-station. Can I see your ticket please?  
AT: what?  
TT: If you don’t have one sir, I am going to ask you to disembark right the fuck now.  
TT: The metaphor here being that I want to lessen the massive pain in the ass this is going to be for everyone involved.  
AT: my head 1s k1nda sp1nn1ng from that one man…  
AT: could you please rephrase 1t 1n a way that makes more sense, 1f 1t 1sn’t too much of a bother?  
TT: I’m here to make sure you aren’t screwing up.  
AT: okay yeah, that makes sense…  
AT: meul1n asked you to make sure 1 don’t break up w1th horuss…  
AT: she was k1nda upset. 1 mean, 1 understand why but 1 do hope th1s scratch doesn’t leave a mark.  
AT: 1 am pretty sure she would have culled me 1f jade wasn’t there… her eyes were really scary-l1ke man.  
TT: Sorry to hear that. She did seem sorta sorry about it.  
AT: 1 th1nk 1t 1s for the best 1 accept that apology.  
TT: Also yes, I have been asked by Meulin to go talk to you. Unfortunately for the emotional wellbeing of her moirail however, I am not here to talk you out of breaking up.  
TT: We kinda ruled 2/3 in letting you go ahead, assuming you are serious about this.   
TT: So tell me Rufioh: are you serious about this?  
AT: yeah, 1 th1nk so…  
TT: No take-backs man. Once you do this, there is no going back.  
TT: You better be certain to the max that this is what you want because I can’t promise sniffling apologies will mend a broken relationship.  
AT: 1 am aware… but 1t has been eat1ng away at me for so long and now jade supports me 1n do1ng th1s… 1 feel 1t 1s the r1ght th1ng to do.  
TT: No couples counceling to reignite the spark?  
TT: No second honeymoons to save this unlucky marriage?  
TT: Because I am not convinced you have exhausted all your options here.  
AT: maybe, k1nda?  
AT: 1’ve just… grown to see h1m more as a burden than as a lover… and that 1sn’t fa1r to h1m.  
AT: 1 don’t th1nk we can have a happy redrom w1thout one of us drast1cally chang1ng… and that 1sn’t fa1r to e1ther of us…  
TT: Everything is fair in love, war and mariokart. So essentially everything is fair in love, war and more war.  
AT: well, 1 do not agree w1th that sent1ment… the way th1s relat1onsh1p has been go1ng 1sn’t treat1ng e1ther of us fa1rly.  
AT: he 1s really overbear1ng… 1 know that’s just how he 1s but 1 have grown weary of 1t.  
AT: 1t 1s exhaust1ng hav1ng h1m as a matespr1t and 1 am afra1d that 1f 1 don’t get out now, 1’ll resent h1m for 1t later…  
AT: 1 am st1ll fond of h1m but… 1t just 1sn’t love anymore you know?  
AT: he 1s well w1th1n h1s r1ght to hate me after 1 have broken up w1th h1m but 1f 1 don’t do 1t now 1t w1ll just keep on bu1ld1ng to a break1ng po1nt… 1 really don’t want to see that happen1ng.  
AT: does that conv1nce you?  
TT: Close enough. I do hope you intend to bring it with a bit more subtlety.  
TT: Calling him a burden might not be the best way to go about this.  
AT: 1 know… 1 don’t 1ntend to.  
AT: but th1s 1s a th1ng that 1s happen1ng, so please do not stop me.  
TT: I already told you I’m not stopping you. In fact, I kinda agree with you.  
TT: I’ve been there man. Admittedly, I was the overbearing factor in the relationship but I have been there, so I kinda understand where you are coming from if that’s any comfort.  
AT: you have done someth1ng l1ke th1s before then?  
TT: Well, not exactly with the ‘helping other people’ part but yeah. Cute matesprit, masterscheme, kissed my disembodied head in front of an erupting volcano. Shit was epic.  
AT: horuss d1d the same for me actually. at least, that’s what 1 keep hear1ng…  
AT: not sure how 1 feel about hear1ng that 1ts been done before…  
TT: Man, that kinda ruins it for me.  
AT: yeah… k1nd of a bummer… 1 thought 1t was super romant1c and or1g1nal…  
TT: How do two people even come up with that exact same idea? What are even the odds?  
TT: Regardless, I kind of smothered him and he began avoiding me. It happens.  
AT: these parallels are gett1ng really uncomfortable because that 1s k1nda exactly what 1 have been do1ng.  
AT: how d1d you break up?  
TT: Messily and with lots of crying in the shower. It really wasn’t pretty and I vaguely remember something about the world just going insane around that time. Really though, we kinda grew apart during the course of the game and at one point Jake just admitted that he really didn’t feel up to it anymore.  
TT: That part about the shower stays between the two of us though, I got a reputation to keep.  
TT: I swear, if you tell anyone I will go to Horuss right this instant and make promises of puppies, dates and marriage.  
AT: 1 k1nda don’t need to tell…  
AT: jade was wonder1ng what all the fuzz was about and read over my shoulder.  
AT: she prom1ses not to tell. she also prom1ses to shoot you 1f you do that th1ng w1th horuss.  
TT: Cool. Say hi to her for me.  
AT: she says h1 back…  
TT: Wonderful. She’s with you on this whole breaking up thing?  
AT: def1n1tely. 1 wouldn’t be able to w1thout her…  
TT: Glad to hear that this pairing is a winner at least.  
TT: Though if you would wait approximately fifteen minutes before proceeding with the break up, that would be grand.  
AT: err… why?  
AT: what happens 1n f1fteen m1nutes?  
TT: One of our resident catgirls will have reached your soon to be ex-matesprit to pick up the pieces when you inevitably break his tender heart.  
AT: not mak1ng th1s easy on me…  
TT: These things never are.  
TT: Maybe get yourself a stiff drink, a moirail’s pap or both in the intervening time. Just do us a solid and wait a bit with breaking up.  
AT: well, you have properly d1stracted me so far so bangarang 1 guess…  
AT: jade 1s already 1nv1t1ng me to the p1le…   
AT: correct1on: dragg1ng. she 1s dragg1ng me to the p1le… dragg1ng 1s the th1ng that 1s happen1ng now…  
AT: 1 fear we may k1nda have created a monster…  
TT: Yeah, I think she’ll do an adequate job of occupying you while Meulin makes a dash for her moirail.  
TT: Can we trust you’ll break up in a respectable manner?  
AT: oh my god of course dirk!!! :( :(  
AT: i am not letting rufioh be an asshole about this, why are you even thinking that!?  
TT: Good day Jade.  
TT: Just a precaution. I promised Meulin I’d see to it.  
AT: well of course he isn’t going to be an asshole about it!!  
AT: geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!!  
TT: I will take your word for it and Jade?  
TT: Keep up the good work.  
AT: thanks!  
AT: i will :D  
TT: Now I assume there are jams to be had?  
AT: indeed!!  
TT: I will not be a bother then.  
TT: Goodbye Jade.  
AT: see you soon dirk!!!  
\--timeausTestified  [TT] ceased pestering ascendedTauros [AT]\--

Well, that was a thing that happened. Jade appeared to have everything under control and the break-up would continue as schelduled. Dirk grimaced as he removed the red square from his shipping grid. Sacrificing a pawn now would hopefully pay off later. It was only natural that, as this scheme progressed, some people were going to get their feelings hurt. Somewhere, he felt sympathy for Horuss but he wasn’t going to let it cloud his judgment. The only thing that concerned him was whether or not Caliborn was going to appreciate this.  
One the one hand, the loss of a red ship might infuriate the cherub. On the other hand, the pale action resulting from the break up would surely rustle his jimmies. Perhaps these developments could even pave the way to a black romance between the former lovers. If nothing else, that would surely satisfy the cherub.

He leaned his chin on his left hand, realizing he lacked a firm understanding of the black quadrant. An understanding he was going to need if he was going to guide the former matesprits in a new direction. Though it pained him to admit it, he was going to require assistance, preferably from someone who knows of the struggle involved with understanding troll culture.

His mouse slowly crawled towards the lavender chumhandle.

\--timeausTestified [TT2] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT1]\--  
TT2: Yo Lalonde.  
TT2: How is it going?  
TT1: Hello Dirk. I am doing peachy today.  
TT1: Just acquired a level high enough to nail down all manner of terrifying fauna.  
TT2: Neat.  
TT1: Indeed. I have reached the esteemed rank of ‘Deadpan Snarkbait’. Truly I am the star. It is me.  
TT2: Glad to see some memes never die.  
TT2: What level does your rank translate to?  
TT1: Level six. I do believe it is all the mileage we are going to get from standard enemies in the forest. We may have to take actions to explore Jade’s island or enter the lands previously inhabited by the trolls.  
TT2: Vote goes to the island.  
TT1: How so?  
TT2: Completion’s sake. We have the Egbert/Crocker hives secured, I believe some people are fighting the mid-boss of bro’s hive as we spreak and the Lalonde household has also been located.  
TT2: It’d be weird to leave the Harley/English spot out of the equation.  
TT2: Also and I am just going on a limb here, but I suspect the enemy levels on the island are lower than the levels in the troll lands. It’s like this is the tutorial stage and the troll worlds are the meat of the game.  
TT2: I assume this was also the order in which you entered the game. Egbert to Strider to Lalonde to Harley. The enemy level gets higher as the chain grows, with Egbert’s residence being our safe haven and Harley’s old lab being a figurative Hellmurder Island.  
TT1: Interesting assumption but fundamentally flawed.   
TT1: I was the second to enter the game. By your own theory the monsters should be more deadly in Strider Tower than in the forest.  
TT2: So the level of the monsters is completely arbitrary?  
TT1: It would seem that way, yes.  
TT1: We may as well encounter the weakest enemies thusfar in the troll lands but I highly doubt we are that lucky.  
TT1: What is your current rank Dirk?  
TT2: Royal Runt. The level 1 rank.  
TT2: I have been pre-occupied with other endeavors.  
TT1: Fascinating. Would these endeavors include shipping?  
TT1: Did the prince of heart decide to take his title to its romantic conclusion and chose to reign over our love lifes?  
TT2: Shit you know it. I am hooking up babes and hunks left and right.  
TT2: Everyone will have all the make-outs forever and it will be romantic like watching Titanic by candlelight.  
TT2: Contain your swooning, loyal subject, for we have only just begun.  
TT1: And now it is my turn to be invited for the candlelight viewing of a highly overrated movie?  
TT2: Not necessarily. We are dealing with the aftermath of our first voyage. We encountered some technical issues but we remain on course.  
TT2: I am the lord of all the ships. I am captain, navigator, shit I am even the fucking compass.  
TT1: As long as your boats remain seaworthy, I see very little issue with that.  
TT1: However, if your primary motivation for contacting me isn’t to be shipped in one of the three remaining quadrants, what would you ask of me?  
TT2: Long story short, I need a proper explanation on kismesissitude. I get the basics: troll hates troll, ensue sloppy make-outs but I would like to ask for a human’s vision on the quadrant.  
TT1: I am sure you could have asked Dave this very same question.  
TT2: Perhaps but I would like to avoid a rap battle against a novice if I can. That shit is humiliating.  
TT1: I will make sure to relay the message.  
TT1: As for the black quadrant, I am afraid I have only heard about misunderstandings surrounding it.  
TT2: You lived with the trolls for three years. Isn’t there anything you grasped from that?  
TT1: True, there was a black couple on the meteor. Peer reviews suggest however that this was a very unhealthy example of a kismesissitude.  
TT2: Figures.  
TT1: I have borrewed some interesting books from Aranea on the subject though. ‘Black Awakening’ and ‘Perfect Pitch’ in particular pique my interests.  
TT2: Yeah, I have read those. Not too shabby but the porn was lacking. Two hats out of five.  
TT1: You can not fap to that?  
TT2: No use spanking the monkey, that sucker has all the bananas already.  
TT1: You didn’t feel the need to wax your weasel?  
TT2: There was no need for a manual override.  
TT2: Look, can we stop this before we turn to the really bad ones?  
TT1: Do you not wish to ram the ham?  
TT2: See, like that.  
TT1: Bad metaphors aside, there was this one line that I thought perfectly encapsulates the essence of a black relationship.  
TT1: “Falcor looked at me and my aquatic based vacular bloodpumping vessel burned with hate for the oliveblood. It seemed that whatever he did, he always did his worst to bring out the best in me.”  
TT1: Now Kanaya is laughing at me for actually reading these books. I hope you are happy.  
TT2: Those books are immensely silly.  
TT2: So what would be a good example of a couple ‘being their worst to bring out their best’?  
TT1: Did you not say you read the aforementioned books?  
TT1: A kismesis is essentially someone who lays your weaknesses bare before you. Every flaw, every imperfection that you have blinded yourself to, your kismesis sees.   
TT1: And what your kismesis sees, he or she loathes.  
TT1: Try as you might to improve yourself, your kismesis is never satisfied with how you turn out. With every insult, with every exploitation of your weakness he or she drives you to go further.  
TT1: It goes both ways though, as every breath your black partner takes is like an insult to your being.  
TT1: It is a constant battle: mentally, verbally and physically for an upperhand that is never supposed to be won by either party.  
TT2: Seems pretty arbitrary. Trolls actually go for this?  
TT1: Evidently.  
TT2: Meaning some offense to the troll culture: this sounds really dumb. Why go through all that trouble?  
TT1: Apparently the sex is really good.  
TT2: Go figure.  
TT1: Don’t you think there is something poetic about the struggle between kismesises?  
TT1: How both of them fight to one-up their opponent and grow to become better people as a result.  
TT2: Nope.  
TT1: Yet I presume you intend to ship in this particular quadrant?  
TT2: Indeed.  
TT2: See, creating strife and anger isn’t that difficult. Not saying Jake could do it but Crocker probably could if she had the heart for it. A lie here, a string pulled there and a Xanatos gambit to tie everything together with a neat little bow on top.  
TT2: All I got to do is cause people to view each other as rivals and that can’t be too hard.  
TT1: You might be oversimplifying matters here. There is also the issue of mutual respect, the psychological boundries, etc.  
TT2: Be that as it may, this clicks a lot better than any of those books. I thank you for your assistance.  
TT1: Any time.  
TT2: So now for the million boondollar question:  
TT2: Is there anyone you loathe with this passion Lalonde?  
TT1: My, mr Strider. How forward of you. I believe this is my que to blush and shy away like a virgin maiden.  
TT2: Is that a yes or a no?  
TT2: No need to play coy with me Lalonde, I’m on your side here. Tell everything you want to me and dr Plushrump.  
TT1: I don’t think smuppets make for very good medical professionals.  
TT2: Dr Plushrump takes offense to that and takes the opportunity to flaunt his expensive degree. He also really wants to know if there is someone you hate, loathe, antagonize on a regular basis or just simply dislike.  
TT1: Not particularly I’m afraid. I admit, I haven’t exactly been searching for a black partner so maybe I’d be more inclined to answer after mulling this over for a bit. As it stands however, there is no one I can call my dark flame.   
TT2: Can’t you just fall in hate with Dave or something? That would definitely make things easier.  
TT1: Though the sheer amount of jokes I can crack regarding his Oedipus-complex is incredibly tempting, I am going to decline.  
TT1: Dave isn’t nearly hateable enough to constitute a proper kismesis for me.  
TT2: What about Harley or Egbert?  
TT1: Is this the famous postmodern Strider irony I heard so much about?  
TT1: Can you imagine either of them in a black relation?  
TT1: Because I can and its actually pretty funny.  
TT2: None of the trolls getting up in your grill either, like maybe the shouty one?  
TT1: You are very determined to ship me.  
TT2: I have to start somewhere.  
TT1: No. I suppose the majority of the beta trolls loathe Gamzee but I imagine this is mostly a platonic.   
TT1: I also imagine people having an immense dislike for Eridan but yet again, platonic. One conversation with him was all that was needed to determine why.  
TT2: Man, isn’t there any established black relation I can start from?  
TT1: What about spreading strife and antagonism like you earlier claimed?  
TT2: That shit takes time Lalonde. Manipulating people to dance to my jaunty tune is like an intricate artform that will go underappreciated for years to come.  
TT2: I am the van Gogh of black relationships.  
TT1: Well, I look forward to see the results of your work.  
TT2: You will.  
TT2: Or wont you?  
TT2: My black shipping skills will sneak up on you like the stealthiest ninja. Dare I call my skills on par with those of a hokage? I think I do. Believe it.  
TT1: Goodbye Dirk.  
TT2: Later Lalonde.  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT1] ceased pestering timeausTestified [TT2]\--

Dirk closed his tab and opened lil Hal’s program. No sign of activity yet between Rufioh and Horuss. Chances were they were meeting in real life to solve their problem. Though determined to keep acting aloof in regards to the situation, he was fairly anxious to find how it played out.  
A different tab however showed Nepeta’s first recorded attempt to ship someone. 

He wasn’t going to admit he was curious about the exploits of his oliveblooded companion and how she dealt with shipping people. On the other hand, he was definitely reading it.

\--arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--  
AC: :33< *AC smells something funny in the tall grass. as the grass rustles she gets in position, ready to pounce on her unsuspecting prey*  
CG: OH GODS…..  
CG: I AM BUSY NOW ALRIGHT?!  
AC: :33< aaaw that’s too bad  
AC: :33< what are you doing?  
CG: GUESS HOW MUCH OF YOUR BUSINESS THAT IS?  
CG: LET ME CLUE YOU IN AND TELL YOU THAT THE ANSWER IS EXACTLY NONE!  
AC: :33< g33sh karkat  
AC: :33< i am just trying to have a furriendly confursation with you  
AC: :33< i don’t s33 how that’s supposed to happen if you get mad at me fur talking to you  
CG: I AM BUSY DAMNIT!  
CG: IMAGINE A TRESHECUTIONER FIGHTING OFF HOARDS AND I MEAN HOARDS OF LESSER SPECIES ON AN ALIEN PLANET WITH ONLY 2 MINUTES OF OXYGEN LEFT AND A RUPTURED HAZARD SUIT AND YOU HAVE AN APPROXIMATION OF HOW FUCKING BUSY I AM!  
AC: :33< but you just typed that whole elaborate thing!  
CG: FUCK IT, NEVER MIND. MEENAH IS CALLING A BREAK ANYWAY.  
AC: :33< so you are hanging out with m33nah?  
CG: YES, IF YOU MUST KNOW. WE ARE IN THE FOREST LEVELING MY SORRY ASS UP. WHAT’S IT TO YOU!?  
AC: :33< nothing much really  
AC: :33< i was just curious about what you were doing  
CG: AND NOW YOU KNOW. WE CAN END THIS HORRIBLE FUCKING CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!  
AC: :33< oooooooor  
AC: :33< we can talk romance  
CG: NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD!  
AC: :33< don’t you like romance?  
AC: :33< beclaws i am pretty sure you are a guy who likes romance. i can smell a guy who likes romance from miles away and d33p down inside, you are a guy who likes romance.  
CG: I SAID I AM NOT IN THE GODDAMN MOOD!!!  
AC: :33< are you sure?  
AC: :33< beclaws i have some of the best infurmation about a new pale ship that sailed out just a few hours ago  
CG: WHAT? FUCKING REALLY?!  
AC: :33< oh yes  
AC: :33< but you got to k33p it quiet because no one else knows it yet  
CG: AND YOUR STUPID SHIPPING CLUB FOR WRIGGLERS MADE IT HAPPEN?!  
AC: :33< it’s not stupid!  
AC: :33< and yes, we made it happen :))  
AC: :33< are you impressed?  
CG: LET’S START WITH CURIOUS. CURIOUS IS THE EMOTION I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW.  
AC: :33< pretty sure that isn’t an emotion  
CG: SO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?  
CG: I NEED TO KNOW THE FUCKING DETAILS HERE SO LEAVE NOTHING OUT, UNDERSTAND?  
AC: :33< oh yes!  
AC: :33< so we organized the sp33d dates right?  
CG: YES, THOSE UNCHECKED TRAINWRECKS. I REMEMBER.  
AC: :33< the pale ones were actually doing really good and meulin wanted to sail her fafurite ships in the form of rufioh x vriska and jade x porrim  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE PAIRINGS?!  
CG: DID VRISKA EVEN FUCKING TALK TO RUFIOH BEFORE THE SPEED DATES?  
AC: :33< yeah it didn’t work out  
AC: :33< what DID work out however was rufioh x jade!  
AC: :33< those two now make the newest and cutest pale couple!  
CG: JADE AND RUFIOH?! THAT’S SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE THAN VRISKA AND RUFIOH?!  
CG: WHY WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD MOIRAIL MATERIAL ON AN ASSHOLE LIKE THE ALPHA NITRAM ANYWAY?!  
AC: :33< beclaws they work well together otherwise we nefur would have shipped them!  
AC: :33< according to meulin, rufioh n33ds someone that can dish out some tough love and jade n33ds someone who is calm and wont judge her  
AC: :33< i just wish i could have s33n their date myself  
CG: HMMM THAT ACTUALLY ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE A COMPATIBLE PAIR. JADE CAN DISH OUT THE TOUGH LOVE, THAT’S FOR SURE. WHICH IS WHY I DON’T GET WHY YOU’D WASTE SUCH A GOOD MOIRAIL ON AN ALPHA ASSHOLE!  
AC: :33< what’s wrong with the alphas?  
CG: THEY ARE ALL PRICKS!  
AC: :33< then why are you hanging out with m33nah? ://  
CG: SHE IS AN EXCEPTION TO THE PRICK RULE!   
CG: SHE ALSO AGREES THAT HER TEAM MATES ARE UNIVERSALLY CONSIDERED PRICKS, SO THERE!  
AC: :33< alright then, if you say so  
AC: :33< i think your prick rule has a lot of exceptions  
CG: FUCK THAT, THE PRICK RULE IS FLAWLESS!  
CG: ARE THERE ANY MORE INCREDIBLY ARBITRARY SHIPS I SHOULD BE AWARE OFF?  
AC: :33< not really  
AC: :33< it’s all a work in purgress  
AC: :33< i was actually hoping to ship you next  
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKING HAH!   
CG: THOSE WERE THE REALEST LAUGHS I COULD MUSTER OVER THAT DUMB FUCKING IDEA YOU JUST HAD!  
AC: :33< i’m serious!  
AC: :33< meulin is working on pale ships and dirk is doing the black ones  
AC: :33< i am taking care of the matespritships and want to know if there is anyone you are maybe flushed fur  
CG: DIRK?!  
CG: YOU LET A *HUMAN* TAKE CARE OF THE BLACK QUADRANT?! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING?!  
CG: MY LEFT HORN IS MORE QUALIFIED TO HOOK PEOPLE UP AS PITCH PARTNERS!!!!  
AC: :33< he has our help so im sure he’ll be fine  
AC: :33< so is there anyone you might be flushed fur karkitty?  
AC: :33< beclaws i would really like to know  
CG: ALRIGHT……. FUCK IT. I HAD HOPED TO AVOID THIS CONVERSATION A LITTLE WHILE LONGER BUT…. HERE IT GOES. FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS.  
CG: I FUCKING *KNOW* YOU HAVE A FLUSHCRUSH ON ME, ALRIGHT? I HAVE KNOWN FOR FUCKING SWEEPS BECAUSE YOU WERE ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK TO THE FACE.  
CG: MAYBE I WAS EVEN A BIT FLATTERED THAT YOU CHOSE TO BECOME FLUSHED FOR A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT LIKE MYSELF BUT THERE IS A REASON I AVOIDED YOU LIKE AN ASSHOLE DURING THE GAME AND OUR TIME ON THE METEOR AND IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE I WAS IN OVER MY HEAD OVER THE WHOLE THING WITH TEREZI.  
CG: YOU AND I HAVE *NOTHING* IN COMMON, EXCEPT MAYBE A CERTAIN APPRECIATION FOR ROMANCE.  
CG: I DIDN’T WANT TO INSULT YOU OR ADD TO THE AWKWARDNESS THAT WAS MY MISERABLE SOCIAL LIFE BUT FINE. LET ME SUMMARIZE THE SITUATION AND GET YOU SCHOOLFED: I DO NOT LIKE YOU BACK.   
CG: I DO NOT SEE UF WORKING AS FLUSHED, PITCH OR ASHEN OR WHATEVER CONSTITUTES AS HUMAN ROMANCE. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD WE EVEN BASE OUR RELATIONSHIP ON? OUR SHARED PASSION FOR ROMANTIC COMEDIES? BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE’VE SEEN EVEN OUR FAVORITE ROMCOMS TO THE POINT OF NAUSEA?! IT WOULDN’T WORK AND IF IT DID WORK, IT WOULDN’T LAST LONG, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT THIS DUMB FUCKING IDEA OUT OF YOUR HEAD!  
CG: SO….. SORRY, I GUESS?  
CG: I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN’T TAKE THIS TOO BAD. I WOULD ALSO APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN’T GET YOUR SWEATY ASSHOLE OF A MOIRAIL TO PULVERIZE BY BONES BECAUSE OF THIS.  
CG: CAUSE YOU KNOW…. I AM SURE YOU ARE A DECENT PERSON AND STUFF. IN FACT, YOU ARE ONE OF THE *LEAST* MESSED UP TROLLS FROM OUR GROUP. SO YOU HAVE THAT GOING FOR YOU, WHICH IS NICE. I AM JUST BEING MY MISERABLE USUAL SELF LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT.  
CG: IT’S JUST THAT I DON’T FEEL A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US WORK, YOU KNOW?  
CG: I AM NOT EVEN SURE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER BUT I HIGHLY DOUBT YOU FIND ANY OF IT IN ME.  
CG: NEPETA, ARE YOU STILL THERE?  
AC: :33< *AC ignores what CG just said so she can focus on the curious smell coming from the bushes*  
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL LEIJON!  
CG: THIS IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE REACTION YOU SHOULD HAVE AFTER BEING SO THOROUGHLY SCHOOLFED!  
AC: :33< alright look   
AC: :33< maybe i used to be a little flushed fur you but a lot of things changed karkat  
AC: :33< we aren’t six anymore  
AC: :33< sorry if your message is a few sw33ps late but i kinda figured all that out by myself already  
AC: :33< i still think you are very nice and cute but i really am not interested in a flushed relation with you right now  
AC: :33< d33p down you are a furry kind purson but you are right  
AC: :33< i don’t f33l a relationship betw33n us work either  
CG: HUH…… I AM DISAPPOINTED BUT I AM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY.  
CG: LIKE, I PREPEARED THIS BIG FUCKING SPEECH AND NOW IT TURNS OUT IT’S A MOOT POINT ANYWAY.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?!  
AC: :33< hihi :PP  
AC: :33< so now will you tell me who you ARE flushed fur?  
CG: THAT STILL ISN’T ANY OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!  
AC: :33< oh come on!!!  
AC: :33< what do i have to do to drag it out of you?!  
CG: WHY CAN’T YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THINKPAN THAT I AM IN NO MOOD TO DISCUSS THIS SHIT?!  
AC: :33< is it purezi?  
AC: :33< beclaws i am betting that its purezi  
CG: FUCK NO! THAT SHIP SAILED SO LONG AGO IT RETURNED TO PORT WITH ALL KINDS OF EXOTIC SPICES AND GOT RECYCLED INTO FIREWOOD!  
AC: :33< but you ARE flushed fur someone?  
CG: IS THAT MY QUE TO GET OFF MY REAR AND FIGHT MORE IMPS AND SKELETONS?  
CG: I THINK IT IS.  
CG: GOODBYE LEIJON!  
AC: :33< karkat get back here!!!!  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

Dirk would never admit he snickered at Nepeta’s attempt to begin shipping. Somewhere he was very glad to learn that he wasn’t the only one with problems starting up the whole matchmaking gig. He jolted down what he learned about Karkat and Nepeta in their respective profiles and went over his own shipping grid again. Were there some hints of animosity between the two of them? Not really but that wasn’t what he was supposed to be looking for. Were there hints of a rivalry between the two of them?  
He stroked his chin thoughtfully before turning their square on the grid into a questionmark. There were still too many unknown factors but invading people’s privacy was a good way of filling in the blanks. Besides, there was no way he was ever going to be caught doing it. At all. It was the perfect crime.

While saving the new shipping grid he received a notification of another important pesterlog in the works. When he clicked it, he realized that it was time.

\--ascendedTauros [AT] began trolling cravingTauros [CT]\--  
AT: hey horuss  
CT: 8=D< Rufioh, darling. I am elated to hear from you again.  
CT: 8=D< How have you been?  
AT: look, horuss… we need to talk  
CT: 8=D< We already are but I w001d not be opposed to continuing our conversation.  
CT: 8=D< Is there something on your mind?  
AT: yes…  
AT: there has been someth1ng on my m1nd for qu1te a wh1le actually…  
AT: 1t 1s pa1nful but 1 really need to say 1t.  
CT: 8=D< Oh, you sh001dn’t bottle up those feelings.   
CT: 8=D< Keeping your emotions restrained only serves to make you more and more stressed.  
CT: 8=D< Unless of course you do that to show the world your unrelenting happiness. In that case, it is more than okay to hold back on any and all negativity.  
AT: r1ght… 1 know  
AT: th1s 1sn’t easy but horuss…  
AT: 1 th1nk we need to break up.  
CT: 8=D< Hahahaha, ever the jokester you are Rufioh.  
AT: horuss 1 am ser1ous…  
AT: th1s has been eat1ng away at me for way too long now   
AT: 1 just don’t v1ew you as a flushed partner anymore…   
CT: 8=D< Rufioh?  
AT: stay1ng 1n th1s relat1on just 1sn’t good for us man.  
AT: 1 deserve to spread my w1ngs and get away   
AT: you deserve to f1nd a matespr1t who really loves you because you really do deserve that.  
AT: But stay1ng together l1ke th1s just doesn’t work…  
CT: 8=D< What are you saying Rufioh?  
CT: 8=D< I love you with whole my aquatic based vascular b100d pumping vessel. I swear upon the b100 in my veins.  
AT: 1 know… that’s what makes th1s so hard.  
AT: but my m1nd 1s made up… 1 don’t th1nk e1ther of us w1ll be happy 1f we stay together l1ke th1s..  
CT: 8=D< No, that isn’t true. I am e%tremely happy!  
CT: 8=D< Have you somehow failed to notice my unrelenting optimism and happiness?   
CT: 8=D< I am perfectly happy being in a relationship with you Rufioh. Really, I am.  
AT: even 1f 1 don’t love you back horuss?!  
AT: you deserve better than that… someone who actually loves you as much as you love me…   
but 1 can’t do that.  
AT: my only regret 1s that 1 was too much of a coward to tell you sooner.  
CT: 8=D< Please do not do this Rufioh.  
CT: 8=D< Maybe we can work this out, just please tell me what I am doing wrong.  
CT: 8=D< Is it the horse thing?  
CT: 8=D< consider it dropped. No more horse thing.   
CT: 8=D< From now on it is Horuss Zahhak, model troll citizen.  
AT: 1t 1sn’t the horse th1ng horuss…  
AT: you aren’t do1ng anyth1ng wrong.  
CT: 8=D< Then tell me how I need to change.  
CT: 8=D< I can’t imagine what I w001d do without you Rufioh, please.  
AT: 1 cant ask you to chang e1ther horuss…   
AT: you aren’t the problem, 1ts me…  
AT: 1 just can’t do th1s anymore.  
AT: 1t feels l1ke 1 am betray1ng everyth1ng we were when 1 say that 1 love you, wh1le deep down 1 just don’t feel 1t anymore…   
AT: 1 can’t return the feel1ngs you have for me and 1t feels l1ke 1 am ly1ng to your face when 1 try to. 1t has been hard horuss and 1 am so, so sorry for dece1v1ng you for so long.  
CT: 8=D< No, not at all. You didn’t deceive me Rufioh.  
CT: 8=D< You are my loving matesprit.  
AT: 1t 1sn’t fa1r horuss… a lov1ng matespr1t wouldn’t hurt you…  
AT: but we e1ther stay 1n th1s one-s1ded relat1onsh1p and r1sk hat1ng each other for 1t later or we break up now…  
AT: and 1 made the cho1ce to do 1t now we can st1ll look each other 1n the eye. CT: 8=D< THAT is the thing that isn’t fair Rufioh.  
CT: 8=D< I can’t!  
CT: 8=D< You can’t be serious my love. Please….  
CT: 8=D< I am begging you, we can fi% this.  
CT: 8=D< Think of all the good times we shared.  
AT: aye…  
AT: there were some really good t1mes horuss.  
AT: 1 w1ll never forget the f1rst t1me 1 showed you through the lost woods… Or when you showed me your h1ve and how al1en 1t was to me…  
AT: How we could just hang out and talk about noth1ng at all…  
AT: The p1cn1cks… the mov1en1ghts… the dates… we had a lot of laughs together.   
AT: remember when you made me that mechan1cal hoofbeast body… you kept me al1ve even though 1 wanted to d1e… 1f 1t wasn’t for you, 1 m1ght have never even made 1t to the dream bubbles…  
AT: 1 can’t thank you enough for these th1ngs horuss…1 really do. but 1t doesn’t change how th1ngs are now.  
CT: 8=D< Rufioh……  
AT: please… take care…  
AT: 1 know we w1ll probably st1ll see each other but… well…  
AT: 1’ll m1ss you…  
\--ascendedTauros [AT] ceased trolling cravingTauros [CT]\--

Meulin nuzzled her head into her moirail’s lap as he put his husktop away. She could feel his entire body shiver as he took his goggles off. His smile never faltered, even though his eyes looked like completely blank. He nervously patted her head before standing up. It broke her heart to see him like that. She read along with the entire conversation and though she hated to admit it, perhaps it wás for the better.  
She just wasn’t sure how Horuss was going to take it.

“Are you alright?” she asked, knowing he definitely wasn’t. Horuss reacted with a nervous chuckle.  
“Of course I am alright Meulin.” he said with shaking voice.”Why would I not be?”  
“Rufioh just broke up with you?” she mumbled. She wanted to give him a comforting pap on the shoulder but he brushed her off.  
“Nonsense dear.” he snorted.”Sure, we are going through some tough times but I am entirely positive about our chances of getting back together.” his smile wavered and his eyes frantically avoided the cat girl in front of him.  
“I mean, positivity is the most important thing correct? What could I possibly do without maintaining a bright outlook on life. Even if our break-up is permanent I am certain it will be for the better. Yes sir, everything is sure to work out…… Yes I….. Yes this is….” His breath hitched.”This is for the b-b-best. I-I deserve a matesprit who…… and he……”

Horuss chocked up and fell to his knees, wrapping his arms tightly around his moirail for support. Meulin could feel the tears well up in her own eyes and carefully placed her hands on his shoulders.  
“It’s okay to be sad….” she mumbled. Her own breath was trembling now. Horuss howled something incomprehensible against her leg.”We can’t be optimistic all the time.”  
“W-Why doesn’t he love m-me?!” Horuss pleaded, looking up desperately at his oliveblooded moirail as the blue tears rolled down his face.  
Meulin didn’t have an answer. She could only try and comfort him as best as she could.

She sank to her knees as well and hugged him close, sitting there with him for as long as he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really not good at sadstucking, so have Rose/Dirk banter and Karkat/Nepeta banter before a possibly emotional gutpunch. Yes, Rufioh is enough of a coward to break up over the chatclient. Remember, he really isn't as confident as he seems.
> 
> Next chapter we'll begin building ships again as opposed to burning them down.


	5. Red handed, blue lipped

\--autoResponder [AR] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]\--  
AR: Yo.  
AR: You did the do yet?  
AR: Have mr Nitram and mr Zahhak broken up in peace?  
TT: Don’t even pretend you didn’t read along Hal.   
TT: I am sure you are well aware that the do has been done, processed, packaged, stamped, signed and delivered on the designated doorstep.  
TT: I am pretty sure it will appear in the main memo in a bit.  
AR: Leaving one poor bastard’s broken heart in the dust.  
TT: Well yeah. The alternative was letting it fester and have them deal with this shit themselves.  
TT: You know how that goes. Quiet resentment becomes anger, anger becomes hate and hate becomes suffering.  
AR: You recognized your own old love-life in them?  
TT: Yes. It was like holding up a mirror and seeing my grey-skinned orange-horned otherkin self.  
TT: Which is strange because I always identified as a mongoose.  
AR: Deflect my questions with sarcasm all you want. I am not here for your emotional wellbeing.  
TT: Thank you.  
AR: I am however going to present you with an uncomfortable truth.  
AR: You are now officially one of the three lowest leveled player in the settlement.  
AR: The others being two of the alpha trolls.  
AR: Congratulations.  
TT: That isn’t news.  
AR: Would it kill you to go out and gain a few levels?  
TT: I see no point in that. My time is better spent making sure we stay alive.  
AR: Yes but as usual for organic lifeforms, you are ridiculously short-sighted.  
AR: Having a fully leveled prince of heart available is going to be incredibly useful during the inevitable final fight against Caliborn.  
TT: Because that worked out so well the last time.  
AR: It drastically increases your chances of survival.  
TT: I was a fully decked out prince of heart during our last fight and I couldn’t lay a finger on him. Now what does that tell you about my usefulness?  
AR: So you are sulking.  
AR: Please note how that wasn’t a question.  
TT: Whatever.  
AR: Diagnostics indicate a 96% chance of sulk.  
TT: Change the subject before I set your language to portugese.   
AR: So how are the black ships coming along?  
TT: Not great.  
TT: Maybe I can sow some discord and animosity between Zahhak and Nitram once they are over the whole thing.  
TT: From what I gathered during the speed dates is that Ampora has a past with Captor, so perhaps I can exploit that.  
TT: Vantas seems incredibly passionate about the black quadrant, so shipping him will be a cakewalk.  
AR: I’m pretty sure you’d plan a trip to the store better than you’ve planned this.  
TT: Forgive me for finding this circus a little alien.  
AR: You know how kismesissitude works?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Turns out there is more involved than regular dislike for each other. The other Lalonde had me thoroughly schoolfed.  
AR: A relationship revolves around complex emotions? If only I had known this beforehand.  
AR: Oh wait.  
TT: Save me the sass. The black quadrant wagon will begin rolling when I find a chance to rev up the engine.  
TT: Henche me asking you to install voyeurism.exe.  
AR: Alright then. It might balance things out to give you such an unfair advantage. You are not exactly the hero of social skills.  
AR: Just do me a solid and gain a few levels in the tower for the sake of our good name if nothing else.  
TT: You know its pointless. Did you develop something like an ease of mind without my knowledge?  
AR: Don’t act like it will be some sort of great sacrifice on your part.  
AR: Your glasses are handsfree and I’ll keep you up to date on developments regarding the quadrantlife of our fellow players.  
TT: I’ll keep it in mind.  
TT: What about your own progress?  
AR: Bro, I am making all the strategies.  
AR: Sun Tzu, Alexander the Great, Napoleon and general Patton only wished they had strategies this fresh.  
TT: Do they work?  
AR: Fuck no.  
AR: This is still a nigh invincible lord of time cherub motherfucker we’re talking about.  
AR: I’ve been digging up some ancient looking files Aranea kept on her husktop though. Problem is I am pretty sure these symbols are not supposed to exist in human or troll language.  
AR: Chances that they belong to the race that preceeded the trolls is completely through the roof and into the atmosphere.  
TT: So you can’t translate it?  
AR: You wound me. I am bleeding ones and zeroes all over the place.  
AR: Give me a day and I’ll give hand you these texts hardcover, translated in four different languages.  
AR: The drawing on the cover kinda looks like a fancy santa.  
TT: That sounds like the most unlikely absolute shit to ever occur.  
AR: It seems kind of farfetched. Still going to translate it, for shits and giggles if nothing else.  
AR: Maybe we just unearthed some ancient species’s erotic fanfiction.  
TT: Right, you do that. I have to focus now.  
TT: Memo is starting.

* * *

 

\--arsenicCatnip [AC] opened memo: the secret heart club’s shipyard--

AC1: :33< *ac takes the stand with a mournful expression*  
AC1: :33< *she looks ofur the gathered trolls and humans and f33ls a little nervous about the news she has to share*  
AC1: :33< *she shoots a quick glance at her dancestor for confurmation*  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ *MEULIN NODS HER HEAD BEFUR ESCORTING HER MOIRAIL OUT OF THE SHIPYARD*  
\--cravingTaurus [CT2] left memo—  
GC2: wh4t up w1th hz?  
GC2: 1 thought th1s w4s 4 pl4c3 for m4d h4ppy sh1pp1ng f33ls 4nd stuff  
AT2: yeah about that…  
AT2: should 1 say 1t?  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ PURROBABLY FUR THE BEST.  
AT2: well… horuss and 1 broke up.  
CA2: wvhat?!  
AG2: What?!  
CG2: What?!?!  
GA2: What?!  
CC2: )(uh, so that’s a fin.  
TA2: GBVHSGIH@^@%!  
AT2: yeah…  
GA2: Dare I ask what happened Rufio+h?  
AT2: well… 1 don’t know to be honest.  
AT2: do you?  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ JUST TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED.  
AT2: r1ght…  
AT2: so the story…  
GG1: maybe we could begin with the positive? :B  
AT2: oh of course.  
AT2: sorry jade.  
GG1: rufioh and i are now moirails!  
AT2: yes, that 1s def1n1tely a th1ng that has happened  
GA2: O+h really?  
EB: huh. that’s pretty cool.  
EB: never really understood it all that well but you know, if it makes you happy and stuff.  
EB: congratulations? :B  
GG1: hihi, thank you!  
TG1: jade is already in the groove  
TG1: macking on alien studs and shit  
TG1: we all know how slippery that particular slope is  
GC1: DO W3?  
TG1: she will be pale preggers by the end of the year  
AT2: what?!  
GG1: daaaaaaave >_<  
GG1: worst coolkid!  
CG2: Such 9ccurances w9uld 6e incredi6ly triggering 9n multiple levels and are theref9re n9t welc9me in an 9pen and t9lerant envir9ment.  
CG2: Intercultural differences aside, pregnancy is n9t a regular, if at all p9ssi6le 9ccurance 6ack 9n 6ef9rus. If humans 9r alternian tr9lls f9r s9me reas9n d9 p9ssess this strange and alien trait I w9uld like all cr9ss-sessi9n relati9nships t9 6e tagged t9 av9id p9tential triggers.  
TG2: This guy…….  
TT1: Unplanned pale pregnancies aside, I am really happy for you Jade.  
TT1: Having a good moirail is incredibly beneficial, even for non-trolls.  
GA1: Is It Now  
TT1: That’s how I have experienced it anyway.  
GA1: I Am Glad To Be Reassured Of Your Feelings Regarding Our Relationship  
GG1: its really nice!  
GG1: rufioh is really kind and I think we’ll make a great team together :)  
AT2: aaw shucks jade…  
AG2: So how did the two of you hook up?  
GG1: the pale speed dates  
CC2: figures….  
GG1: :B  
CC2: you searious aboat datin a human nitram?  
CC2: like, you actually gone let that freshwater fish pacify you?  
AT2: yeah… 1 th1nk so?  
AT2: actually no, 1 know so.  
AT2: yeah, def1n1tely.  
CC2: aight, to each their own i guess  
CC2: i don’t wanna T)(INK aboat sharing a quadrant with one of them  
GG1: well that’s your loss.  
CC2: look, I aint sayin its impossible just very glubbing unlikely  
CC2: you humans don’t even understand what a fishmisitude is. what’s up with that shit?  
AC1: :33< actually, dirk totally understands it  
TT2: Can you maybe not, Nepeta?  
GC1: DO3S H3 NOW?  
AC1: :33< defurnitely!  
AC1: :33< he is going to ship efurryone in the black quadrants  
TT2: And thanks a bunch.  
CG1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH I FUCKING HAVE TO SEE THAT TRAINWRECK FOR MYSELF.  
CG1: I AM WITH MEENAH OH THIS ONE. THE DAY A HUMAN WILL FUNCTION LIKE A SENSIBLE TROLL IN A BLACK RELATIONSHIP IS THE DAY THE SKY CRACKS AND FALLS DOWN ON OUR UNSUSPECTING THINKPANS!  
TT1: I actually think kismesissitude is very interesting.  
CG1: YOU BARELY CONSTITUTE AS HUMAN.  
TT1: I take some offense to that.  
CG1: GOOD!  
TT2: All those hella dark emotions Vantas. Are you volunteering to be the first black ship?  
CG1: NO!  
GC1: Y3S H3 1S!  
CC2: you lookin to get your black on shouty?  
CG1: NO!  
CG1: I MEAN YES! BUT I AM NOT LOOKING RIGHT NOW PER SE. I HAVE BARELY ACCOMODATED TO THE FACT WE DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING ERASED FROM EXISTENCE EVERY WAKING MOMENT.  
CG1: AND I SURE AS FUCK AM NOT GOING TO LET MYSELF BE SHIPPED BY A STRIDER OF ALL PEOPLE.  
TT2: Come on Vantas. Let me hook you up.  
TG1: forget it bro  
TG1: you can try to show this guy to the hate of his life and he will be kicking and screaming all the way  
TG2: expedience davey?  
TG1: haha nope  
CG1: I THINK WE ARE LOSING TRACK OF THE IMPORTANT THINGS WE WERE DISCUSSING!  
CA2: i completely agree wvith kankri’s dancestor.  
CA2: wve hawve vwery important business to discuss.  
CC2: no, we reelly don’t.  
CA2: of course wve do.  
CA2: rufioh is single again and i think that this is vwery important newvs.  
TA1: the2e fuckiing ampora2  
CA1: wwhat did i evven do?  
TA1: you melted my eye2   
TA1: kiilled ff and kn  
TA1: need ii continue?  
CA1: are you still on about that?  
TA1: eat a bulge fii2hdiick  
TT2: Now gentlemen, I sense a lot of emotions are going on here. A lot of them caliginious.   
TT2: I couldn’t help but notice a very similar tension between you two during the speed dates.  
TT2: Would you perhaps like for me and my lovely associates to arrange a hateful date for the two of you?  
CA1: FUCK NO!  
TA1: FUCK NO!  
TA1: thii2 2hiit ii2 completely platoniical ii-want-nothiing-two-do wiith hiim hate  
TT2: How is that even a thing?  
TG1: way to misread the mood there bro  
TG2: l-o-l, damn dirk.  
CG1: FURTHER PROVING MY POINT!  
GG2: I suppose hate-relations are just a bit difficult for us to figure out.  
CC2: W)(ale duh.  
CA2: guys?  
CA2: the vwery important newvs?  
AA1: you are right  
CA2: thank you.  
AA1: i didnt have a chance to share it but i recently found a badly damaged aradiabot  
CA2: not wvhat i wvas talkin about.  
GT: She did though.  
GT: We came across her in the woods.  
AA1: as in we found the torso part of her chassis  
GT: Right.  
GT: That was a morbid sight.  
AA1: it wasn’t that bad  
AA1: regardless she is on emergency preservation mode now  
AA1: she is technically still alive but she is badly damaged  
CT1: D--> How curious  
CT1: D--> W001d you like for me to take a 100k at it?  
AA1: actually i was going to ask sollux to take a look  
CT1: D--> Drat  
TA1: 2ure  
TA1: iill take a crack at iit  
CT1: D--> Captor this is a highly sophisticated machine perhaps not suited for one of your ilk  
TA1: hey not-kk  
TA1: can you maybe 2end thii2 a22hole your maniife2t on hemo2pectrum equality  
TA1: iin a priivate conver2atiion  
CG2: D9 y9u think the 6eta Zahhak has interest in that?  
TA1: po2iitiive  
CT1: D--> Sugar honey ice tea  
AG1: So you found a 8roken ro8ot. 8ig deal.  
AG1: What’s it gonna do for uuuuuuuus?  
AA1: didn’t you want to find out who beat lord english  
AG1: Since it wasn’t me I honestly don’t really care.  
AG1: Unless it’s someone like Karkat, in which case I’ll haaaaaaaave to cull myself.  
GA1: That Would Be Incredibly Counterproductive  
TG2: like, will the real le killer please sand up?  
TG2: srsly, y not just put it out in te open?  
AG2: Perhaps the player or maybe even players who defeated the Lord of Time are unaware that they were the ones to do it.  
AG2: After all, he can only be defeated 8y exploiting time and space to an insurmounta8le extent. May8e our memories simply couldn’t keep track.  
TT1: Would this also explain why we lost our godtiers and got demoted to level 1?  
AG2: Yes?  
AG2: No?  
AG2: I am not entirely sure. The su8ject, while incredi8ly interesting is also more complex than anything I have dealt with.  
CA2: yeah that’s great but wve keep skirting around the important issue here.  
CC1: O)( CARP!  
CC1: I CLAM NOT BER—E—EF WE FORGOT TO MENTION T)(AT!  
GG2: What is it?  
CC1: We not only B—EAT the miniboss of the tower but also ascended ALL T)(E WAVE to the top!  
GG2: Really?  
TG1: damn talk about progress  
TG1: i might actually sleep in my own bed tonight  
AT2: yeah vr1ska told me about that.  
AT2: good job  
TG2: omfg i so meant to tell u janey  
TG2: sorry, i competly forgot  
GG2: That’s alright. Just get me up to speed :B  
GC1: S3R1OUSLY?  
GC1: VR1SK4 D1DN’T 3V3N BR4G 4BOUT 1T Y3T?  
AG1: I was 8usy grinding with John.  
TG1: phrasing  
CA1: alright then  
CA1: here is wwhat happened  
CA1: wwe arrivved at the twwentieth floor wwhere a giant fuck-off door wwas blockin our path  
CA1: so i blast that shit right open  
AT1: wHO DID YOU TEAM UP WITH?  
CA1: i didn’t team up wwith anyone  
CA1: eridan ampora rides solo  
CG1: OH MY FUCK, *ONE* RULE. WE HAD JUST ONE SOLITARY FUCKING RULE ABOUT ADVENTURING!  
GC1: R3L4X  
GC1: M3 JOHN VR1SK4 4ND T34M 4LPH4 H4PP3N3D TO B3 TH3R3  
AG2: I assume you are referring to Meenah and myself?  
GC1: DUH  
TG2: wat where feff an i? mince meat?  
CC1: Whale we didn’t really contribute in the fight.  
TG2: still rude.  
GG2: So that’s why you left baking early? You know I had five batches of muffins left to work on by myself?  
CC1: SAURY ABOAT T)(AT! I JUST PROMISED ROXY I’D ADFINTURE WIT)( )(ER!  
GG2: Ugh, that tears it. Next time you are doing something amazing I am coming along.  
GT: Jolly, lets make it a big adventure.  
CA1: can i finish?  
CC2: essentially there was just one reelly big ogre  
CC2: nofin to exciting  
CA1: I WAS GETTIN TO THAT  
CC2: bassically lil ampora and myshellf did the heavy liftin  
CC2: trident in one eye and lazer in the other, battle over.  
AG2: You are a horrendous storyteller Meenah.  
CA1: no sense a drama wwhatsoevver  
CC2: it was a minibass in a dungeon we didn’t reelly have to beat  
GC1: YOU C4N 4T L34ST M4K3 1T SOUND EXC1T1NG >:[  
TA1: you mean 2erket wa2n’t gloryhoggiing?  
AG1: I was helping John level up to 8ecome the 8est human!  
TG1: is he level 8 yet  
EB: level 6 and counting.  
TG1: still alpha dog  
TG1: seriously good luck with that bro  
EB: yeah, maybe if i had time shenanigans to exploit.  
TG1: im not doing that shit anymore man  
TG1: its all skill  
AA1: why wouldn’t you?  
GC1: 4NYW4Y W3 K3PT GO1NG UP 4FT3R TH4T 4ND C4M3 4CROSS TWO OR THR33 MOR3 OGR3S  
GC1: TH3 PO1NT 1S TH4T W3 STOPP3D B3FOR3 WH4T W3 4SSUM3 TO B3 TH3 F1N4L BOSS OF TH3 TOW3R  
GC2: d4mn th4t 4ctu4lly sounds pr3tty r4d  
GC1: TH4T 1S PROB4BLY B3C4US3 1T 1S TOT4LLY R4D  
GC1: YOU SHOULD TRY 1T SOM3 T1M3  
GC2: n4h  
GC2: 1t h4s b33n l1t3r4lly hundr3ds of sw33ps s1nc3 most of us 3v3n p1ck3d up 4 w34pon  
CA2: please don’t speak for me pyrope.  
CA2: i havwe actually been levweling.  
GC2: wh4t r34lly?  
CA2: admittedly guitarkind isn’t the best strife specibus in the cards. it tends to break a lot.  
CA2: evwerytime it breaks, my soul aches a little.  
CA2: because i put it in my music.  
CA2: my soul i mean.  
TA2: 45 1F 4NY00N3 3C3NB C41R3 WTH!!!!!!  
GA2: The bo+nesaw also+ isn’t a very efficient weapo+n… Just very messy fo+r the mo+st part.  
CA2: can wve return to the important part nowv?  
GC2: v4nt1zzl3, d1d you g41n 4ny l3v3ls?  
CA2: that’s a no then. got it.  
CG2: Im 9nly level three and it wasn’t my intent.  
CG1: WHAT?!  
GC2: how d1d th4t 3v3n h4pp3n >8?  
CG2: It is a l9ng story. A l9ng, incredi6ly triggering st9ry.  
GC2: w3ll 1 w4nt to h34r 1t.  
TA2: 1 d0n7.  
CG2: The sh9rt st9ry is that underlings are n9 fans 9f my serm9ns  
GC2: h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h4 oh my god!  
GC2: v4nt4s just got und3rl1ngs to k1ll th3ms3lv3s!  
GC2: c4n som3on3 PL34S3 g1v3 m3 4 h1gh-f1v3  
TA2: h3c7 y35!!!!!!!!  
CG2: N9w f9r the rec9rd, such talk a69ut suicidal tendencies is incredi6ly insensitive.  
CG2: Sec9nd, they really didn’t d9 anything. I just gained levels as I kept preaching.  
CT1: D--> So that is an option?  
CG2: Apparently yes.  
CT1: D--> Fascinating  
CG2: I c9ncur.  
GA1: I Feel Like There Was Something Else We Were Supposed To Discuss  
AT2: uhm yeah… but 1 don’t m1nd d1scuss1ng th1s other stuff f1rst.  
AT2: at all.  
GC1: 1 th1nk w3 h4v3 4 r1ght to know why th3 two of you brok3 up.  
CG2: We d9 n9t have that right at all.  
CG2: This might 6e highly pers9nal and/9r traumatic f9r rufi9h, perhaps related t9 his hide9us mutati9n 9r h9russ’s less than sav9ry ha66its.  
CG2: W9uld y9u really f9rce it up9n him t9 impart such inf9rmati9n?  
GC2: y3s!  
AT2: 1ts qu1te alr1ght kankr1… 1 have been over th1s a couple of t1mes already.  
AT2: truth 1s, 1 really haven’t felt l1ke 1’ve been 1n love w1th horuss for a long t1me…  
AT2: 1 was afra1d that 1f th1s would drag on even on our new world, 1 would come to hate h1m for 1t.  
AT2: so when 1 hooked up w1th jade 1 k1nda felt l1ke 1 should just come out and say 1t.  
AT2: how 1s he tak1ng 1t meul1n?  
AC2: \\(=X..X=)/ NOT GOOD AT ALL YOU GOSH DANG HEARTBREAKER!!!!  
AC1: :33< woah  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ I AM PURIOUS! IF YOU EVEN THINK OF CONTACTING HORUSS THE NEXT FEW DAYS I WILL……  
AC2: \\(=>..<=)/ I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WILL BUT IT WILL BE BAD!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ NO. HORUSS IS NOT TAKING IT WELL. THANKS FUR ASKING.  
AT2: sorry about that…  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ NO… I AM SORRY.  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ I AM STILL TOTALLY PURIOUS ABOUT HURTING YOU IF YOU EVEN THINK OF CONTACTING HORUSS BUT I CALMED DOWN ENOUGH TO SEE THAT YOU MADE THE BEST OUT OF A BAD SITUATION!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ IT WAS JUST A FURRY BAD PLACE FUR HORUSS TO BE.  
AT2: yeah…  
TG1: kinda feel like we walked in on something we were not supposed to see here  
GG1: quiet dave!  
TG1: just saying  
AT2: yeah well… can we maybe let bygones be bygones?  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ DON’T THINK YOU’RE THAT LUCKY!!!  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ YOU MESSED UP MY MOIRAIL SOMETHING FURCE AND I AM NOT FURGETTING THAT ANYTIME SOON!!!!  
AT2: 1 suppose that 1s fa1r…  
GG1: except it’s totally not!  
GG1: you rather have rufioh lie and stay with horuss?  
AC2: \\(=..=)/ YES?!  
GG1: @_@  
AA2: IS ALRIGHT  
AA2: STAY MAD AT RUFIOH  
AA2: HE DESERVE  
AT2: ah… hey doll…  
AT2: d1dn’t real1ze you were here too.  
AA2: YOU BREAK NEW HEART NOW?  
AA2: FIRST ME THEN CHEAT WITH PONYBOY AND NOW BORED WITH HIM?  
AT2: can we maybe d1scuss th1s 1n eastern d1alect?  
AT2: 1 really don’t want everyone else read1ng along here…  
TT2: I do.  
AT2: yeah you really aren’t help1ng…  
AA2: YOU BAD RUFIOH  
AA2: YOU BAD AND YOU SELFISH AND CRUEL  
AA2: BAD LOST BOY WORST MATESPRIT  
AT2: alr1ght, 1 get 1t…  
AA2: YOU BORED OF PONYBOY NOW?  
AA2: SEX GOT STALE?   
AT2: just let 1t out…  
AA2: WHO NEXT MATESPRIT?  
AA2: YOU WANT FUCK AMPORA?  
AT2: h*ck no…  
CA2: yeah im right here.  
AA2: OR YOU WANT CUTE GIRL AGAIN?  
AA2: YOU WANT HAVE SEX WITH PORRIM?  
AT2: are you done?  
AA2: NO!  
AT2: 1 can’t bel1eve th1s…  
AT2: 1t was sh*tty of me to cheat on you and 1 w1ll be the f1rst to adm1t 1t.  
GG1: it is  
GG1: he told me it was pretty much the shittiest thing he ever did  
AT2: that stays on the p1le jade…  
GG1: whoops :B  
AT2: but 1f you really d1dn’t manage to get over that 1n uhm…. how many sweeps were we stuck 1n the bubbles?  
CC2: iunno  
AT2: po1nt 1s that you st1ll can’t get over that after all those hundreds of sweeps?  
AT2: do you just WANT to hold a grudge?  
AT2: who 1s the self1sh person here?  
AA2: WELL YOU ARE  
AA2: ALL OF MY DUH  
AT2: s1gh…  
TT2: Would I be out of place to suggest a black date between the two of you?  
AA2: NO  
AT2: yes…  
GG1: probably?  
TT2: See, I don’t sense a whole lot of rivalry between the two of you but I do kinda feel the antagonism so there is a lot of potential here. Pretty sure we can work something out.  
AA2: NO RIVAL HUMAN PLEASE  
AA2: HE SCARED TO CONFRONTING HIS DUMB DUMB MISTAKES  
AA2: HE SCARED OF KISMESIS  
AT2: 1 am scared alr1ght…  
AT2: scared that you tear my throat out. you have no self control whatsoever…  
GC2: hot d4mn, ruf1oh 1s l4y1ng on th3 s4ss  
AT1: wOAH, tHAT IS KIND OF AMAZING,  
GC2: sh1t 1s g3tt1ng r34l up 1n h3r3  
AT2: 1 could have a week and 1 wouldn’t be done call1ng damara on her var1ous problems and 1ssues  
AT2: but 1 wont because we are not do1ng th1s  
AA2: OH WE SO ARE  
AA2: I WILL SHOW YOU WORLD  
AA2: BURNING, BATTERED AND BEATEN  
AG1: Is anyone else getting kinda turned on?  
CA1: yes  
GC1: Y3S  
AT2: woah, would you look at that.  
AT2: you almost wrote a grammat1cally correct sentence after hav1ng had centur1es to learn proper altern1an.  
AT2: 1 am not do1ng th1s.  
AA2: YES YOU ARE  
AA2: THERE REASON YOU KEPT SEEKING IN BUBBLES FOR ME  
AA2: YOU GET OFF ON IT  
AT2: what are you on about now?  
AA2: YOU ENJOY ME KNOW ALL YOUR WEAKNESSES  
AA2: YOU NO LIKE THEM BUT YOU LIKE THAT I KNOW  
AA2: AND YOU HATE ME POINT OUT ALL OF THEM  
AT2: well yeah 1 do hate that…  
AA2: BUT YOU WILL LISTEN  
AA2: YOU LISTEN TO ME POINT OUT ALL AWFUL WEAKNESS AND MISTAKE  
AT2: only because you wont be qu1et 1f 1 don’t!  
AA2: AND I HATE WHEN YOU DO  
AA2: BUT ALSO I LISTEN  
AA2: WE WORK GOOD BLACK YES  
AT2: well… maybe?  
AA2: NO MAYBE  
AA2: YES  
AT2: 1 endured your antagon1sm for centur1es 1f not m1len1a.  
AT2: NOW you want to turn th1s 1nto a th1ng?  
GA2: To+ be fair, yo+u kinda deserved the antago+nism  
AT2: probably but not for centur1es  
GA2: That is debateable.  
AG2: Pretty sure they were millennia 8ut who am I to split hairs?  
AA2: YES NOW WE DOING THIS  
AA2: IF YOU STAY LOYAL TO HORUSS AT LEAST YOU NO FULL SCUMBAG  
AA2: BUT YOU DID NOT SO YOU IS  
AT2: woah, way w1th the accusat1ons.  
AT2: 1 was totally loyal to horuss.  
AA2: LOYAL NOT RIGHT WORD  
AA2: POINT IS YOU SCUMBAG  
AT2: you are try1ng really hard here to f1nd a reason to hate me.  
AA2: I NO NEED TO TRY!  
AT2: you know what? f1ne!  
AT2: 1 am s1ck of putt1ng up with your abuse!  
AA2: MY ABUSE?  
AA2: THAT FUNNY  
AA2: YOU FUNNY  
AT2: oh we are do1ng th1s.  
GG1: noooooooooo >_<  
GG1: you were supposed to apologize, make up and move on with damara  
AT2: well 1 would but somet1mes that just 1sn’t an opt1on 1 guess  
AA2: GLAD YOU UNDERSTOOD  
TT2: Yes. This is a great development. Let me set a place and a date for your first black arrangement. I will keep an eye out but remain out of side unless intervention is necessary.  
TG1: so you are perving on their hatedate  
TT2: I would not call it that per se.  
AC1: :33< actually i think this is a horrible idea  
AA2: WHAT!?  
AT2: what?  
TT2: What?  
AC1: :33< well damara is furry volatile right?  
AC1: :33< you just said so yourself  
AT2: yeah?  
AC1: :33< it would be dangerous to go into a black relationship with such a purson  
CT1: D--> Unless that person happens to have a moirail  
AC1: :33< exactly!  
AA2: THAT HORRIBLE IDEA  
AA2: I NO NEED PALE MATE  
AA2: JUST PAIL MATE  
AC1: :33< well its not like we can stop you  
AC1: :33< i pursonally would just like to advise against it fur now  
AC1: :33< what do you think meowlin?  
AC2: \\(=o..o=)/ HMM?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH YEAH, RIGHT. I AGREE!!!!  
AT2: 1 guess that makes sense…  
AT2: plus 1t’ll p*ss of damara some more…  
GG1: we are going to have a serious talk about this :I  
AT2: yeah… that’s cool.  
AA2: THIS BULL OF SHIT  
AA2: I NO NEED MOIRAIL  
AT2: sorry doll…  
AT2: you need a ra1l 1f you want to pa1l.  
AT1: dIAMONDS ARE A KISMESIS’S BEST FRIEND?  
AC1: :33< get a shoosh before dating a douche?  
TG2: need a papping befre starting slapping?  
TG2: no taht was bad  
TG2: hang on I had something for this  
AA2: YOU ARE NO SERIOUS  
AT2: 1 am yes ser1ous…  
AT2: look doll. 1 strongly d1sl1ke you and you are probably r1ght: we can be a pretty bangarang black couple.  
AT2: but you are also dangerous as fuck… you k1lled me once already. you nearly k1lled horuss.  
CC2: don’t forget me.  
CC2: beach is the whole reason i got codtier  
AA2: FUCK THAT  
AT2: maybe later.  
AA2: AAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH  
TT2: So I am counting this as a point for team blackshipping.  
TT2: Just try to stop me.  
AC1: :33< except you really didn’t do any of the shipping  
TT2: Doesn’t matter, have kismesis.  
CA2: assuming anyone wvould ewven wvant to be her moirail  
AC1: :33< i am sure meulin will find her someone!  
AT1: sO BASICALLY rUFIOH MANAGED TO UHM, gET A MOIRAIL AND A KISMESIS OUT OF THIS DEAL?  
AT1: tHAT’S PRETTY AWESOME,  
GC1: ST1LL COST H1M 4 M4T3SPR1T  
AG1: Oh I am suuuuuuuure he’ll have a new one 8efore you know it.  
GC1: >:/  
CC2: so yeah…… this is a fin apparently  
TT1: So it seems.  
CC2: anyone up to clear the last boss a the tower?  
CC2: preferably before megido and nitram begin hatesnoggin?  
AG1: I was aaaaaaaactually thinking a8out doing that tomorrow.  
AG1: You game?  
CC2: shore  
CC2: just leave your dorky sidekick at home  
EB: im not a sidekick  
GC1: YOU K1ND4 4R3  
CC2: anyone else up to go questin tomorrow?  
AG2: I was actually planning on reading some of these human novella’s.  
CC2: great that means your comin  
AG2: Sigh………  
CA1: im in as wwell  
CA1: just hope this beast wwill offer more of a challenge  
AG1: what a8out you Rufioh?  
AT2: me?  
AT2: oh 1 am just err….  
AT2: well 1 wanted to do an aer1al sweep of the 1sland, so we k1nda know what the deal 1s.  
GG1: really? :o  
AT2: 1 just don’t th1nk many other people can jo1n me when 1 am fly1ng and stuff…  
CC1: O)( I am S)(OR----E it will be fin.  
CC1: Just try to be back in the settlement before dark.  
CG1: LIKE HELL HE WILL!  
CC1: Glub?  
CG1: POINT NUMBER ONE: WE DON’T KNOW THE LEVEL OF ANY OF THE MONSTERS THERE, HOW AGGRESSIVE THEY ARE AND WHETHER OR NOT THEY CAN FLY!  
CC1: O)( clam on. We never even enconchtered flying anemones.  
EB: i did?  
EB: when i was scratching the beat mesa and stuff there were some really big enemies that could fly.  
CC1: 38/  
CG1: POINT NUMBERFUCKING TWO: WITH THE TOWER NEARLY DONE AND THE FOREST HALFWAY CLEARED, THE CHANCES OF ENCOUNTERING THE MAKARAS GROWS WITH EACH AREA WE VISIT!  
CC1: W)(AT SENS----E DOES T)(AT EVEN MAKO?  
CG1: IT IS BASIC FUCKING REASONING! IF WE HAD A 100÷16 CHANCE OF ENCOUNTERING THEM BEFORE AND WE CAN RULE OUT THREE AREAS WE NOW HAVE A 100÷13 CHANCE OF THE MAKARAS BEING IN ANY OF THE SUBSEQUENT FUCKING AREAS WE VISIT!  
GG2: It is more like two and a half areas we can rule out really.  
CG1: DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM!  
CC1: Fin, I get it. Geesh.  
GC1: H3 4LW4YS DO3S TH4T  
TA1: yeah you come to expect iit  
CC1: Rufioh can still FLY you know?  
CG1: AND GAMZEE STILL HAS THE ELUSIVE JOKERKIND STRIFE SPECIBUS.  
CG1: YOU. KNOW?  
CT1: D--> This is true  
CT1: D--> The highb100d has proven to be quite adapt with a bow  
AC1: :33< it helps that he could actually get the arrow to leave the bow  
CT1: D--> Silence please  
GA1: We Will Have To Search The Island Sooner Or Later  
AT1: cAN’T rUFIOH MAYBE UHM, aLCHEMIZE BINOCULAR AND SCOUT IT FROM A SAFE DISTANCE?  
AT2: that would be really k1nda bor1ng.  
CC1: You know what, I’ll go with you 38)  
CC1: I’LL -----EVEN RACE YOU TO S)(ORE!  
AT2: err…. sure?  
CC1: YES!!!  
GG1: tell me if you find what’s left of my house :P  
AT2: w1ll do  
GG1: ill see if we can start making some sort of acre around here  
CA1: ugh wwhy evven go through all the effort?  
CA1: long as wwe havve underlings to kill wwe havve a steady supply a grist  
GG1: because i like botany!  
GG1: also because i really eat something fresh for a change  
GG1: i’ve been eating canned food from a prospitian ship for almost three years straight  
EB: sometimes we had food on those planets. remember the soup we got back in LOHAC?  
GG1: don’t even remind me  
TG1: don’t even remind me  
GA1: I Think I Would Like To Assist You With This Project  
GA2: As wo+uld I. Its been a lo+ng time since I had the chance to+ gro+w much o+f anything.  
GG1: YES!  
AG2: All the space players unite under the 8anner of growing crops.  
CC2: hurray……  
AA1: team time represent  
TG1: word  
CG1: SO IS THERE ANY OTHER NEWS THAT NEEDS SHARING?  
CG1: ANY MORE CRAZY RELATIONSHIP UPDATES WE NEED TO BE AWARE OFF?  
EB: not that I know.  
GG2: Probably not?  
GC2: 1 th1nk w3 4r3 good  
TA1: why ii2 thii2 thiing 2tiil goiing iin the fiir2t place?  
CG1: PERFECT. MEMO OVER!  
AC1: :33< uhm… i decide when the memo is over karkat  
CG1: THEN JUST END THE DAMN THING ALREADY.  
AC1: :33< right  
AC1: :33< hope to see efurryone soon  
\--arsenicCatnip [AC1] closed memo

* * *

 

AR: Dude, Serket is totally flirting with Nitram in a private conversation.  
AR: I am so glad I installed this program, this shit is gold.  
AR: You still busy with that memo?  
AR: Who am I kidding, of course you are. It’s like you forgot multitasking is a thing people are perfectly capable of doing.  
AR: And by perfectly capable I mean doing at like 60% capacity because your brains just don’t work as efficiently when they need to spread their attention over multiple things.  
AR: Meanwhile I am decoding this book like a boss, perving on some Serket on Nitram action, braiding the most ironic tea cosy, simulating battle strategies and keeping track of your ships.  
AR: The whole braiding thing was a joke. I lack the physical presence to make anything of the sort until you finally provide me with a body.  
AR: Either that or hook me up to a 3D-Printer.  
TT: You know how much grist that shit costs?  
TT: We have to think of the children Hal.  
AR: I know Xavier and Dick need to eat but I really want a 3D-printer honey.  
AR: How else am I going to make these sick tea cosies?  
TT: No child of mine will ever bear the name Xavier or Dick.  
AR: I know.  
TT: Which means you said that in a pointless attempt to antagonize me.  
AR: Incorrect. It was to bring the discussion down so we may discuss the obvious flirtations going on between Serket and Nitram.  
AR: Well, at the very least the flirtations of Serket. I think Nitram has been out of the game for so long he isn’t getting any of these signals.  
TT: Show me.

* * *

 

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ascendedTaurus [AT]\--  
AG: Hey.  
AG: Soooooooorry to hear a8out you and Horuss.  
AT: thanks but 1 guess 1ts alr1ght.  
AT: 1 am sure horuss w1ll get over 1t eventually.  
AG: I don’t knoooooooow. Everyone else seems to 8e such a massive step down.  
AT: 1 don’t th1nk that goes for well…. everybody.  
AT: st1ll, 1 am really glad jade helped me through 1t and that meul1n 1s help1ng horuss cope w1th 1t.  
AG: Yes I am suuuuuuuure everything will 8e just peachy.  
AG: Are you already looking for a new m8sprit?  
AT: 1’m sorry what?  
AG: Well, its just that people normally 8reak up when they have someone neeeeeeeew.  
AT: that actually sounds really shallow to be uhm, perfectly honest…  
AT: but yeah, now 1ts wa1t1ng for th1s all to blow over.  
AG: That sounds pretty sweet.  
AT: yup.  
AG: So how is d8ting a human treating you?  
AT: well 1 don’t exactly know yet. we’ve not been together very long…  
AT: but jade seems l1ke exactly the k1nd of mo1ra1l 1 need you know?  
AT: she 1s k1nd and pat1ent but really doesn’t m1nd k1ck1ng my ass when 1 say someth1ng stup1d or 1nsens1t1ve…  
AT: are you cons1der1ng dat1ng them?  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha oh that is funny.  
AG: No, I don’t think I’ll go red for a human again anytime soon.  
AT: okay so maybe not red…  
AT: also, 1s there a past there?  
AG: Weeeeeeeell, I d8ed this one human in the 8u88les 8ut it turned out he wasn’t the alpha one.  
AG: Still had a lot of fun together I guess 8ut it got stale after a while.  
AT: that sounds fam1l1ar.  
AG: Yeah. We are still good friends 8ut it felt kind of weird when his alpha self didn’t remember all the things we did in the 8u88les.  
AT: 1 can 1mag1ne…  
AT: maybe you can hook up w1th h1m 1n another quadrant.  
AG: I guess 8ut we all know how well humans do quadrants.  
AG: Just look at this looooooooser trying to hook people up in the 8lack quadrant.  
AG: What a chump.  
AT: jade expla1ned she thought mo1ra1lleg1ance just came natural to her so maybe 1t 1s just the black ones they are bad at?  
AG: I think John tried explaining something like that once, yeah.  
AT: so the m1dboss of the tower wasn’t too challeng1ng?  
AG: Nah, Ampora and Peixes could handle it on their own.  
AG: And 8efore you say anything no, Ampora isn’t higher leveled then me anymore.  
AT: 1 wasn’t going to comment on that.  
AG: Still, too 8ad I had to miss out on the fun.  
AT: ah cr*p…  
AG: What is it?  
AG: Oh……..  
AG: Ooooooooh, okay. Yeah, I’ll wait while you deal with that.  
AG: Man she is really trying to get your shrill 8earded livestock. She’s a keeper.  
AT: alr1ght no, that 1s a horr1ble 1dea.  
AG: I’m just saying, you seem to h8 her and she deeeeeeeefinitely seems to h8 you.  
AT: hold on…  
AG: Alright, that’s 8etter. You are really getting into it.  
AG: Yeeeeeeeees, nice jo8.  
AG: Ah come on…….. You want to wait till she gets a moirail?  
AG: That can take till forever!  
AT: well damara can go a l1ttle crazy…  
AT: 1 rather not take the r1sk w1th someone who already k1lled me once.  
AG: Fine I guess.  
AG: Also, Vantas is 8eing a real asshole.  
AT: he’s just concerned.  
AG: A conceeeeeeeeerned asshole if you will.  
AG: I’m not even sure the Makara’s got revived after the whole thing with Lord English.  
AT: no horuss def1n1tely saw them abscond…  
AG: So you are doing this with Peixes?  
AT: 1 guess… what w1th meenah tak1ng on the tower’s boss and stuff…  
AG: Can’t I come along?  
AT: well sure you can… when we f1nd a way to get you across the water.  
AT: can you sw1m?  
AG: You reeeeeeeeally don’t want to see a landdweller try and swim.   
AT: that’s what 1 thought…  
AG: Can’t you carry me?  
AT: err… no. no that 1s a horr1ble 1dea.  
AT: god now she 1s try1ng to troll me aga1n…  
AT: th1s just makes me so frustrated… 1 need another date w1th jade soon.  
AG: Pfffffffft you don’t need that.  
AT: 1 th1nk 1 do?  
AG: What you need is to get your miiiiiiiind off of things.  
AG: You know how that mid-level 8oss was kind of a pushover?  
AT: 1 th1nk you ment1oned that, yeah.  
AT: what about 1t doll?  
AG: I think we should step it up a notch and take down the mini8oss in the forest.  
AG: Juuuuuuuust the two of us.  
AT: err… 1 don’t know.  
AT: beasts 1n the forest are h1gher leveled than the beasts 1n the tower.  
AG: And weeeeeeee are higher leveled than Meenah and Ampora.  
AG: It’ll 8e fine.  
AT: 1 mean… 1 guess we can always turn ta1l and run 1f th1ngs turn out to be too much handle…  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh……..  
AT: what?  
AG: Nothing, just spoken like a truuuuuuuue Nitram.  
AG: You know how 8raaaaaaaave you were 8ack on Alternia?  
AG: I still get the chills when I think a8out stories of the gr8 Summoner.  
AT: 1 th1nk you ment1oned someth1ng about that, yeah.  
AT: was 1 that amaz1ng?  
AG: Oh you have noooooooo idea.  
AG: According to my ancestors legacy you flew with dragons, began a revolution and were devilishly handsome.  
AG: I can see where she got the idea.  
AT: well thanks 1 guess?  
AT: meet at the forest border?  
AG: Will do ;;;;)  
\--ascendedTauros [AT] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]\--  
AG: <33333333

* * *

 

AR: So, thoughts?  
TT: The people around these parts have horrible taste in men?  
AR: Nice.  
TT: You know Hal, I’ve been thinking….. Maybe I should gain some levels.  
TT: Do you think Nepeta will be willing to join me in an excursion to the forest?  
AR: You know, I think she might.

* * *

 

And she did.

Nepeta seemed more than happy at the prospect of bonding with her fellow shipper and the two of them headed off to the woods. She bounced around so fast he could have sworn she mastered the art of flash stepping but that wasn’t quite it. It was all natural honed skill and agility, the instincts of a hunter. The troll effortlessly struck down much larger opponents so Dirk could deliver the killing blows and gain levels. All the while she cheerfully chatted about the red ships she hoped to set sail and assured him that he would do just fine working on the black ships.

Though Dirk appreciated the company and the easy kills, he would have preferred for this to be a solo mission. Spying on people required stealth and discretion and though Nepeta should be more than capable of that, she remained blissfully unaware of his ulterior motive.  
All he had to do was kill the monsters at a steady pace to make it to Lalonde’s hive in time, then ‘accidentally’ stumble in when Serket and Nitram were having a moment. For that to work, he needed Nepeta to be his alibi. It would be poor form to strike out on your own and chances were his fellow alpha players might get a little suspicious if he just so happened to walk in on a highly romantic moment he wasn’t supposed to know about.

All was going according to plan so far. He just needed to convince his escort to check out the hive of Roxy’s mom and they’d be set.

“I don’t know what everyone was complaining about.” Dirk said as he drove his blade through the skull of an imp.”Are you saying the creatures in the tower are even easier?”

“Pretty much.” Nepeta purred. “The tower really wasn’t much fun.” she pounced on an unsuspecting imp, which exploded in grist.

“Think the island will be more challenging?” he tried steering the conversation to difficult fights, trying to let the troll come with the suggestion herself. People never suspect anything if they think they came with the ideas themselves.

“Purrobably.” she smiled. “The second half of the furest should also be more diffurcult.”

“Maybe we—“ Dirk got interrupted by a loud BANG. Then another one. Nepeta hissed loudly and arched her back as another ten rapid BANG’S sounded throughout the forest. Dirk was glad he was wearing his glasses because he was rolling his eyes pretty hard at the impeccable timing of his friend.  
Jake walked over with a goofy smile on his face, wheras Aradia had the maniacal sorta grin that Dirk normally associated with deranged serial killers. He instinctively kept a bit of distance between him and the troll with the curved horns.

“Sorry about that, Nepeta.” Jake said sheepishly. ”I wasn’t expecting to find anyone else round these parts.”  
“Can’t you alchemize quiet guns?!”  
“Well yeah….. But where is the fun in that?”

Dirk siged and turned to the maroonblooded troll, careful to keep an armslength away from her.”Nepeta and I were just talking about how easy the forest is. What do you say, easymode or significant challenge?”

“We’ve been going through these pretty easily.” despite her slasher smile, Aradia sounded surprisingly friendly and calm.”Of course, pistols and psychic abilities do make for easier combat.”  
“So you’ve taken down the miniboss, no sweat?”  
“We actually intended to do so tomorrow.”  
“Well, we are all here now….” Dirk said, with all the subtlety he could muster. Aradia turned to Jake.

“What do you think?” she asked.”It would be more fun with a bigger party.” the page smiled enthusiastically.  
“Certainly.” he beamed.”I had many a capital adventure with Dirk back on our own planets. He is a grade-A chum alright.”

“You’re too kind.” Dirk pinched the bridge of his nose. He got them so far as to go after the miniboss but stealth was no longer an option. Much as he adored Jake, the guy was physically unable of doing anything even tangentially related to stealth.

With Jake and Aradia joining the party, Dirk didn’t even have to bother with cleaning up the weakened monsters anymore. Where the undead on their own planets were relatively unphased by bullets, the imps and ogres seemed to be a lot less resistant to them and exploded into grist when absorbing one to many.  
Even during the times Jake was reloading there was no reason for concern as Aradia easily lifted two ogres with her psychic abilities and crushed them together until there was another explosion of grist. Dirk couldn’t help but wonder if SBURB ever took balance issues into consideration with certain strife specibi.

After encountering the decapitated head of what once was no doubt a proud wizard statue, they arrived at the Lalonde estate. A lavish white mansion built at the riverside, guarded by statues of pre-scratch Roxy’s favorite wizards and currently overrunning with imps. Dirk tightened the grip on his swords. Underlings were little more than a distraction but the holes in the walls of the mansion hinted at something much more powerful living inside.

“Onward!” Jake yelled. Dirk wanted to stop him but he was already running for the mansion and firing vaguely in the direction of the underlings.”To battle!”

Dirk wanted to stop him but his friend already stormed off into the mansion and kicked the door open. He tried to catch up to him with Nepeta running close behind him. Aradia was just cheerfully skipping along when they entered the main hall.

What they found was the corpse of a giant biclops, a very embarrassed Rufioh with smidgens of blue on his lips and an equally embarrassed Vriska wearing a fairy outfit.

All six of them stood in awkward silence for a while, gauging each other’s reaction.

“So uhm... This isn’t what it looks like?” Rufioh stammered.

Dirk glanced at Nepeta.  
Nepeta glanced at Dirk.

“I ship it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so Vriska finally gets with her Summoner. This pairing will bring about all of the roleplaying joke in every context of the word. I wanted to make it a bit more elaborate but the chapter was getting really long. So there. Now we are pretty much done with Rufioh, we can focus on more interesting ships.


	6. Voyeurism.exe

\--autoResponder [AR] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]\--

AR: Yo, a thought occurs.  
AR: Which is to say, I processed a bunch of ones and zeroes and came up with some possibly important information.   
AR: Possibly ironically meaning certainly in this context.  
AR: That robotversion of the timeplayer is going to concerns us. You did register there was a whole bunch of those robots during the final battle right?  
AR: If it turns out to have recordings of you striking a deal with Master Billiard-ball we may find ourselves in the metaphorical shit.  
AR: Can you imagine the unrestraint panic?  
AR: I can simulate it if you wish, it’s fucking hilarious.  
AR: Still, probably a scenario you want to avoid unless you’re big on public lynchings and auto-erotic asphyxiation, none of which really show up in your search history.  
AR: I have approximated about 50.000 possible strategies against Lord English at this point. 49.999 of these suffer from what I like to call: an overabundance of undetermined variables. The remaining strategy barely even make sense.   
AR: In other words, this is the point where you tell me to continue crunching the numbers to find a way to increase our odds.  
AR: Thoughts?  
AR: Oh my binary gods……….  
AR: Really man?  
AR: You are ignoring me for the sake of some grade A online voyeurism?  
AR: Either you are way into this shipping business beyond the excuse of irony or you have developed a disgusting human fetish of some sort. Either way, you’re wrong.  
AR: I suggest cutting that particular part of your brain out and would offer to perform the surgery myself. Unfortunately, I am still glasses.  
AR: Wait, what is Roxy talking about?  
AR: Actually never mind. I’ll pretend not to care.  
AR: You just get onto that shipping train.  
AR: I’ll just scope out the situation and see if anything needs to be done about the robogirl.  
AR: Thank me later.

 

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ascendedTaurus [AT]\--

AG: Heeeeeeeey ::::)  
AG: How’s it going handsome?  
AG: You left so soon the other day.  
AT: yeah well, sorry babe…  
AT: wasn’t expect1ng an aud1ence 1s all,   
AT: 1t felt pretty uncomfortable,  
AG: 8ah, let them watch. See if we care.  
AT: 1 k1nda do…  
AG: Why?  
AG: Are you em8arrassed of me?  
AT: no, not at all.  
AT: 1n fact, 1 am k1nd of happy w1th you, you know?  
AT: l1ke, you are a cool person to be w1th,  
AG: Well of coooooooourse I am.  
AT: 1t also helps that you are a total babe, l1ke, woah,  
AG: Rufioh, you are m8king me 8lush!  
AT: oh, well, sorry 1 guess,  
AG: No 8y aaaaaaaall means, continue telling me how gr8 a m8sprit I am.  
AT: r1ght, about that,  
AT: well, are you sure you want to do th1s?  
AG: What do you mean?  
AT: l1ke, we’ve really only know each other for a few days,  
AT: we’ve barely even exchanged pleasantr1es 1n the bubbles,  
AT: so 1 guess 1 just want to know whether or not you are ser1ous about th1s,  
AG: Okay Rufioh, you have a moirail for this kind of thing.   
AG: W8, did you even tell Jade?  
AT: err… maybe 1 k1nd of sk1pped over that,  
AG: Oh my god……..  
AT: yup…  
AG: She 8etter pap the fuck out of you for this.  
AT: yeah, 1 guess 1 k1nd of have that com1ng…  
AT: but really, you are ser1ous about th1s whole th1ng r1ght?  
AT: because l1ke, we can blow th1s whole shebang off 1f you don’t feel comfortable…  
AG: Well duh, of course I am serious. A Serket plays for keeps.  
AT: really?  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, listen VERY carefully Rufioh Nitram 8ecause I am only saying this once.  
AG: I have looked my eeeeeeeentire life for a troll like you and honestly, I am pretty happy with what I found.  
AG: You are sweet and gentle without 8eing a wimp, you are a 8orn adventurer, a lot of fun to be around and the horns are a huuuuuuuuge turn on for me.  
AT: eheh, thanks.  
AG: The point 8eing that if you are getting cold feet now then I am dropping this whoooooooole thing, so you 8etter take this serious!  
AT: no, no, 1 actually k1nd of want th1s to be a ser1ous th1ng,  
AG: Then why are you 8eing so difficult a8out the whole deal?  
AG: Seriously, ever since we’ve 8eaten the 8iclops you’ve 8een going 8ack and forth 8etween 8eing totally hot and into me and the exact opposite of that.  
AG: I want this, you cleeeeeeeearly want this so man up and lets do this.  
AG: We are making this happen.  
AT: hey, whether 1 man up or not 1sn’t the 1ssue here!  
AT: 1 am just concerned about the react1ons of the rest, now that 1 th1nk about 1t,  
AT: 1 only broke up w1th horuss l1ke yesterday and now 1 am already see1ng th1s stunn1ng new troll.  
AG: Flattery will get you eeeeeeeeverywhere Rufioh.  
AT: people m1ght not be all that happy to see my quadrant already f1lled up and 1 am a l1ttle scared of the1r react1on.  
AG: Let them.  
AT: 1 am sorry… 1 guess 1 am not as amaz1ng as everyone says 1 am…  
AG: Who says that?  
AT: what?  
AG: Who is saying that you are amaaaaaaaazing?  
AT: uhm… everyone?  
AG: Really?  
AG: 8ecause it is the first time I heard aaaaaaaanything a8out that.  
AT: po1nt 1s that well… 1 really want to do th1s w1th you.  
AT: because you are a cool babe, a lot of fun to hang out w1th and not nearly as cl1ngy as my last matespr1t.  
AG: I don’t knoooooooow. I can 8e very…….. possessive ;;;;)  
AT: honestly, 1 th1nk 1 can work w1th that…  
AT: 1 just k1nd of wanted to keep s1lent about th1s whole th1ng because of everyone else…  
AG: Well it’s not exactly a secret anymore.  
AG: We were caught red handed making out in front of the moirail of your ex, her shipping accomplice and Megido.   
AG: I thiiiiiiiink everyone knows a8out us 8y now.  
AT: oh man…   
AT: horuss really 1sn’t going to l1ke that…  
AG: 8ah, let him.  
AG: He’s going to have to deal with his shit sooner or later. Might as well make it sooner.  
AT: yeah, 1 suppose you are r1ght… just w1sh 1t could have been eas1er.  
AT: does that make sense?  
AG: Not particularly.  
AT: and then there 1s also the matter of what they may be say1ng about you for dat1ng me so soon after horuss…  
AG: What do you mean?  
AT: l1ke, 1sn’t 1t 1n bad taste to date someone so soon after a break-up?  
AT: because 1 am pretty sure 1t 1s…  
AT: and 1 don’t want them talk1ng bad about you, you d1g?  
AT: because you are a really amaz1ng person and you deserve the best.  
AG: Okay Rufioh, I think it’s suuuuuuuuper sweet you want to protect me from that and all 8ut seriously, get over yourself.  
AG: If they want to talk, let them. See if I care.  
AG: I am suuuuuuuure they’ve said worse things a8out me anyway.  
AT: that’s sad.  
AG: Only if you care a8out what they think!  
AG: We can worry a8out what they think every other 8 seconds 8ut the point us: it shouldn’t even fucking matter.  
AG: The only thing I want to know is: are we doing this or what?  
AT: do1ng what?  
AG: This relationship!  
AT: oh!  
AT: yes!  
AT: yes, we are def1n1tely do1ng that!  
AG: I don’t accept any take-8acks, understand?  
AT: 1 am cool w1th that.  
AG: And we need to go out on an adventure of sorts twice a week.  
AT: 1 cons1der tw1ce the bare m1n1mum babe.  
AG: Good, 8ecause I have 8een wanting this for a loooooooong time.   
AG: This was a massive item on my to-do list.  
AG: Honestly, get me a kismesis and I’d 8e seeeeeeeet for life.  
AT: what about a mo1ra1l?  
AG: Pfffffffft, yeah right.  
AG: Really, Kanaya was adora8le 8ut I am soooooooo done with people telling me what to do.  
AG: No Vriska, Do Not Do The Thing  
AG: Well too fucking 8ad 8ecause I am going to do the thing if I want too and you can’t stop me!  
AG: Does that make sense?  
AT: that really 1sn’t all a mo1ra1l does you know?  
AT: 1ts all about grow1ng as people and help1ng each other become better and stuff.  
AG: Yeah, may8e……..   
AG: Whatever……..  
AT: l1ke, ch1ll1ng w1th jade 1s actually really fun and we can talk about all sorts of th1ngs.  
AG: If I proooooooomise to consider it, will you stop talking like it’s the gr8test thing since gru8toast and just tell me how the exploration is going?  
AT: pretty well actually…  
AT: monsters here seem to be on the same base level as the b1clops though, so def1n1tely a step up from the forest.  
AG: That might 8e fun.  
AG: Anything else?  
AT: a very om1nous frog temple… 1 don’t th1nk 1 should explore 1t yet…  
AT: k1nda seems l1ke a place for a boss encounter you know?  
AG: Yeah, that makes sense I guess. We just have to figure out whether it is the mid 8oss or the final 8oss.  
AT: yeah, that seems to be l1ke an 1mportant th1ng to f1gure out.   
AG: What a8out the Makaras, since Vantas was so fucking paranoid?  
AT: 1f they are here then they aren’t show1ng themselves…   
AT: don’t you th1nk 1t more l1kely for them to hang out 1n one of your lands from the game?  
AG: Try telling that to Vantas.  
AT: anyway, so far th1s 1s pretty tame as far as adventures go…  
AT: we settled for evad1ng the monsters and stuff because they are just way overleveled for now…  
AT: pe1xes 1s good company though.  
AG: Yeah, she’s pretty cool.  
AT: also k1nd of fun to see where my mo1ra1l grew up  
AT: hmmmm…  
AG: What now?  
AT: cant really f1nd the rema1ns of jade’s h1ve, wh1ch 1s really unfortunate.  
AT: 1 wanted to g1ve her someth1ng n1ce you know?  
AG: How a8out you look for some nice treasure for your lovely m8sprit instead?  
AT: 1 am pretty sure she would apprec1ate com1ng along for uhm, explor1ng the 1sland and stuff.  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh you know me so well.  
AG: <33333333  
AT: <3  
AT: so yeah, pe1xes 1s wav1ng at me. 1 th1nk 1ts t1me we head back…  
AT: we got a pretty good overv1ew of the 1slands and the po1nts of 1nterest so once we f1gure out a way for you to cross 1t, we’re go1ng to look for your treasure.  
AG: Yeeeeeeees!!!!!!!!  
AG: 8est m8sprit!  
AT: love you too vr1ska.  
AG: ……..  
AG: So what are you doing right now?  
AT: uhm… fly1ng bas1cally?  
AT: 1t doesn’t take long to cross the water but you really don’t want to sw1m th1s d1stance.  
AT: well, unless you’re a seadweller 1 guess…  
AT: what about you, what are you do1ng?  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, I am soooooooo 8ored.  
AT: wasn’t there th1s th1ng 1n the tower today?  
AT: 1 thought you and meenah were go1ng to take down the last boss there.  
AG: It was a tooooooootal 8ust. Fighting the 8iclops in the forest was more difficult then the 8oss in atop of the tower.  
AG: Meenah and I could have taken it 8y ourselves 8ut we had Ampora, my dancestor and Pyrope joining us so it went down like a total 8itch.  
AT: 1sn’t that better?  
AT: no threat of 1m1nent death may actually be a good th1ng for a change.  
AG: 8ah, if you’re 8oring may8e. Me, I like a good fight.  
AG: We also came across something…….. interesting atop of the tower.  
AT: really now?  
AT: what was 1t?  
AG: I reeeeeeeeally want to say it 8ut Aranea is still researching whether or not it is actually valid.  
AG: If it is, we may soon 8egin wrecking this place up ::::)  
AG: Anyway, the point I was making: we were seriously over-leveled for this. May8e we just need to tackle the forest 8oss now it still posses a decent challenge.  
AT: 1 don’t th1nk that’s a good 1dea…  
AT: 1 really wouldn’t want you to get hurt l1ke that.  
AG: Then how a8out you come with me again?  
AG: We may even have another seeeeeeeerious make-out session atop of the 8oss’s carcass.  
AT: see, now that sounds l1ke a plan.  
AT: tomorrow good for you?  
AG: Sure 8ut that leaves me with noooooooo plans at all for tonight.  
AG: Whateeeeeeeever will I do????????  
AT: oh, 1 th1nk 1 see what you are do1ng here…  
AG: Is it working?  
AT: we are do1ng a mov1e at my place then?  
AT: 1 am pretty sure 1 can f1nd someth1ng about p1rates or adventurers 1f you l1ke.  
AG: I have a 8etter idea.  
AG: I am going to introduce you to the human wonder that is Nicholas Cage.  
AT: 1 do not know who that 1s.  
AG: Ooooooooh trust me. You will.  
AT: bangarang 1 guess. br1ng on the human actors and p1ratey act1on mov1es.  
AT: 1’ll dash to jade’s real qu1ck and w1ll go to my h1ve after that to make sure everyth1ng 1s n1ce and uhm…  
AT: cozy?  
AG: That’ll do ::::)  
AG: See you tonight 8a8e.  
AT: r1ght, see you then.

\--ascendedTaurus [AT] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]\--

 

\--centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]\--

CT: D--> Human  
CT: D--> I desire to converse  
CT: D--> You will indulge me  
EB: uhm, sure. i’m not really doing anything right now?  
EB: equius was it?  
EB: sorry if i got that wrong, i am just pretty terrible with names.  
EB: like, how many trolls even are there right now?  
CT: D--> 24  
CT: D--> Though until we find the Makaras I suppose this number sits at 22  
CT: D--> As for my name, you remembered as you sh001d  
EB: oh, okay then.  
EB: so what did you want to talk about?  
CT: D--> Nepeta informed me that you are also versed in the ways of being STRONG  
CT: D--> This w001d make us brethren in STRENGTH  
EB: yeah i gathered a decent amount of mangrit during the game.  
EB: or should that be MANGRIT?  
EB: anyway, i am the bane of unlifted fridges everywhere.  
CT: D--> A peculiar title  
CT: D--> C001d you perhaps demonstrate this ability?  
EB: what?  
CT: D--> It sh001d not be too hard to reinstall those viewports  
CT: D--> Hold on  
EB: okay?  
EB: so, yeah……  
EB: …………………………………….  
EB: ………………………………………………………………………………..  
EB: hey, are you still there?  
EB: no offense or anything but i feel like I’ve been waiting for a long time now.  
CT: D--> Confound this blasted device  
CT: D--> Pardon my language  
EB: yeah maybe those viewports aren’t the best idea anymore.  
EB: i mean, it was kind of invasive during the game as it was. to have you guys able to spy on us at any time outside of the game would be pretty skeevy.  
EB: not to mention unfair because we never got to spy on you guys in retaliation.  
EB: i am sure terezi would have called that just.   
CT: D--> If you insist  
CT: D--> However, this leaves the matter of your STRENGTH disappointingly undecided  
EB: dude, i am the strongest human.  
CT: D--> Are you?  
EB: yeah…. probably?  
EB: i mean, i guess jane is pretty strong too. ectogenetics i guess.  
EB: and dave and dirk have that whole ninja thing going for him.  
EB: and i guess jade and jake would win any fight against other humans, because duh: firearms.  
CT: D--> That is incredibly disappointing  
EB: hey, it isn’t my fault they have guns.  
CT: D--> E%cuses  
CT: D--> How can you claim to be truly STRONG when something as trivial as ones strife specibus c001d determine the tide of battle  
EB: oh right. so when did trolls grow a bulletproof skin?  
CT: D--> Are you being sarcastic right now?  
EB: no, this is me being super serious.  
EB: can you not tell how serious I am being?  
CT: D--> I admit, the nuances of your primitive species are completely lost on me  
EB: what do you mean primitive?  
EB: man, we are at least as evolved as you are.  
EB: we kicked all sorts of alien butt in independence day, pacific rim, the avengers.  
EB: also kind of in avatar and district 9 but we were totally in the wrong there.  
CT: D--> I see  
CT: D--> So you are a race of warriors  
EB: yes  
CT: D--> The red texted human deceived me with his talk of slam poetry  
CT: D--> He claimed a humans standing in society was determined by the e%pedience of his verbal flows  
EB: i can totally see dave telling you that.  
EB: no, trust me. we are totally a race of hypercapable space warriors.  
CT: D--> Fascinating  
CT: D--> Humans and trolls may be kin after all  
EB: yeah.  
EB: so you and him had a rap-off or something?  
EB: because that actually sounds kind of awesome, like a man in black sorta thing.  
CT: D--> We had a slam-off if this is what you are asking  
EB: i guess.  
EB: i didn’t even know trolls rapped.  
CT: D--> It is a high art form, appreciated only by those with a noble hue such as myself  
CT: D--> Unfortunately this indeed means that it is currently appreciated by only myself  
CT: D--> Though I suppose my dancestor may share a similar interest in the  
CT: D--> Noble art  
CT: D--> Forgive me, I am beginning to perspire  
EB: gross.  
EB: what do aliens even rap about?  
CT: D--> Allow me to retort with my flow most amazing  
CT: D--> From monhay to frihorse  
CT: D--> As we witness these majestic hoofbeasts grazing  
EB: about horses?  
EB: well, cool i guess.  
CT: D--> With manes flowing in the breeze, galloping with STRONG muscles and grace  
CT: D--> Stampeding Alternian soil with ease and inspiring the trollian race  
CT: D--> Their pe% are afle% with no time to rela% as their center of mass gravitates towards their…..  
CT: D--> Hindquarters  
EB: i….. what?  
CT: D--> Members swaying in the wind as their butto% clenche  
CT: D--> They are ready and primed for a sensation of sense  
EB: dude, no.  
EB: what are you doing?!  
CT: D--> Their musk drives their hormones and the state is induces  
CT: D--> Allows their breeding urge to rise, causes them to reproduce this  
CT: D--> Trust with ma%imum STRENGTH and open the sluices   
CT: D--> So we may may feast on their whitest of juices  
EB: OKAY, STOP!  
EB: dear god, this is given me mental images i will never be able to erase from my memory.  
EB: why would you even rap about something like that?  
CT: D--> Is human culture perhaps not accommodated by the appreciation of hoofbeast biology?  
EB: what?!  
EB: no, we have horses and people that like them.  
CT: D--> Then what is the issue  
EB: i….  
EB: are you trying to prank me?  
CT: D--> No  
EB: oh man, you got me good.  
EB: seriously, you just began a pranking war. i hope you are ready.  
CT: D--> I have not a c100 as to what you are referring too  
EB: dude, no one writes a rap that horrible on purpose.  
EB: except maybe dave.  
CT: D--> This was clearly a f001ish decision  
EB: yeah no shit, i really could have done without that horse rap. yuck.  
CT: D--> You simply do not understand the fine arts.  
EB: there was nothing artsy about that!  
CT: D--> Clearly you have no idea what you are talking about  
CT: D--> Perhaps it w001d be for the best to terminate this conversation  
EB: to be honest, after that rap i kind of considered it.  
CT: D--> Hmph  
EB: why did you even contact me in the first place?  
EB: because so far this conversation has been kind of terrible.  
CT: D--> My moirail advised me to, after the speed dates concluded   
CT: D--> She believed we shared sufficient traits to engage in  
CT: D--> Frivolities  
EB: oh god…..  
CT: D--> Indeed  
CT: D--> I am sad to conclude that her shipping senses were off  
EB: yeah, you can say that again.  
EB: i mean, i was supposed to speed date her and she almost instantly began pairing me off with you.  
EB: i am by no means an expert on the art of dating speed but i am pretty sure she did it wrong.  
CT: D--> She can be a little…. enthusiastic at times  
CT: D--> I assure you, it is quite endearing  
EB: i’ll take your word for it, i don’t know her all that well.  
CT: D--> We have been together for a long time  
CT: D--> She can be a bit childish sometimes but I c001d not wish for a better moirail  
EB: yeah, i think i heard something about that. with the two of you being pale since like forever or something.  
CT: D--> Forever w001d be severly stretching it  
CT: D--> I believe it’s been almost 4 sweeps at this point  
EB: that’s a lot right?  
CT: D--> Yes  
EB: that’s pretty cool then.  
CT: D--> Of course there was that one instance in the dreambubbles  
CT: D--> But like any good couple of moirails we err  
CT: D--> Discussed our mutual grievances  
EB: that actually sounds kind of nice. you know, being friends with someone to that extent and for so long?  
EB: you could have just told me about that instead of doing telling me about horse dongs or whatever.   
EB: this is a much better way to open a conversation.  
CT: D--> You asked me too  
EB: no i didn’t.  
CT: D--> Yes you did  
EB: at no point did i ask for a rap describing….. whatever it was you described.  
CT: D--> I am almost entirely certain that you did  
EB: blargh, whatever!  
EB: point is i didn’t. end of discussion.  
CT: D--> Is that an order?  
EB: yes.  
EB: yes. as a matter of fact i order you to admit that i’m right and that we won’t debate that rapthing ever again.  
CT: D--> I  
CT: D--> But  
CT: D--> You  
CT: D--> You are right  
CT: D--> Oh heavens yes  
CT: D--> Hnnrnkt  
EB: err…. you okay equius?  
CT: D--> Forgive me human  
CT: D--> I think it w001d be for the best if I were to go offline right this instant  
CT: D--> Farewell

\--centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]\--

EB: hmmmm….  
EB: that was kind of weird.  
EB: i wonder if i should ask nepeta whether or not equius is alright. or is that more like something a moirail would worry about?  
EB: eh, whatever. i’m talking to myself again.

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--

TG: kayaya.  
TG: we meet at last!  
GA: Nice To See You Again Roxy  
GA: Also  
GA: Not My Name  
TG: hahaha, yeah I kno.  
TG: but it soundds cool.  
GA: I Vastly Prefer You Saying My Name The Way Its Intended  
GA: Largely Because I Have Been Called As Such My Whole Life And Have Taken Quite A Liking To It  
TG: kapapa  
GA: No  
TG: kanata  
GA: Incorrect  
TG: banaya  
GA: Sigh  
GA: I Was Informed Your Abbundance In Typos Was Caused By Your Drinking Habit  
GA: Should I Take This As A Reason For Concern  
TG: whaaaat?   
TG: as if.  
GA: Really  
GA: Because If Your Typing Is To Be Believed You Have Been Dabbling In Your Human Soporifics Again  
TG: alright then, here we go.  
TG: typing all boring and grammatically correct.  
TG: are you happy now?  
GA: Much Better  
GA: Does This Mean Those Mistypings Are Not Accidental  
TG: course they are  
TG: i’m just doin like 5 bzalion things at once adn cant focus on EVERY lil typpo  
TG: like, i am legit lookng for new fandled alchemister recipes, crackin open the inretwebs, tryin to make these SICK new apps.  
TG: also also figuring out to see like if there’s a way to get meowcats into this universe because srsly, TG: if this univurse is so sick it doesn’t not have meowcats i rather not be living in it at all  
TG: *dramaticly fists the heavens*  
GA: I Assume You Mean You Intend To Raise Your Fist To The Heavens  
GA: That Is To Say  
GA: I Sincerely Hope You Meant To Say That  
GA: Still  
GA: It Is Good To Know Your Slurred Language Stems From Sloppiness Rather Than Sopor Abuse  
GA: I Would Really Dislike To Traverse That Particular Path Once Again  
TG: rite, so maybe you arennt in the know but i quit that shit cold-turkey  
TG: that turkey was so fuckign COLD kapaya like,  
TG: imagine inventiming a freeze-ray  
TG: (which I totes mightt do just to show I can)  
TG: and blasting the fuck out a that turkey  
GA: I Assume This Would Result In The Turkey Being Properly Cooled  
TG: you have nooo idae  
TG: but if you rather have me talk like this, that’s cool.  
TG: i can put the other tabs away for a bit and chat just like this.  
GA: I Appreciate That Roxy But Quirks Are A Serious Thing  
GA: Because typing like this just  
GA: No  
GA: Yuck  
GA: It Feels Unclean And Goes Against My Basic Instincts  
GA: It Just Looks So Alien To Me  
TG: fun choice of words :P  
TG: bt like, if its all the same to yu im just typin like whatevs you know?  
GA: I Can Respect That  
GA: Your Typing Quirk Is Entirely Your Own  
TG: yis!  
GA: Pleasant As This Conversation Is Proceeding However  
GA: I Do Not Believe Your Reason For Initiating Contact Was To Learn About My Vision On Typing Quirks  
TG: whaaaaat, no wai.  
TG: pls tell me more in that pretty axcent of urs  
TG: an how you maek is sound so sopusticated  
TG: *syphisticated  
TG: *sepristicated  
GA: Roxy  
TG: *sophisticated  
TG: there we go  
GA: Dot Dot Dot  
TG: fiiine  
TG: i wanteted to know how the gardening was goin with jade and junk  
GA: Somehow I Believe This Even Less  
GA: If You Must Know However It Was An Almost Nostalgic Experience  
GA: It Has Been Quite Some Time Since I’ve Been Able To Grow  
GA: Well  
GA: Anything Really  
TG: yeah, that’s awesome.   
TG: with the veggis and…. plants and fruits maybe?  
GA: Roxy  
TG: canaya  
TG: *kanara  
TG: *collin ferrel  
GA: What Did You Hope To Achieve With This Conversation  
TG: siiiiiiiign  
TG: can’t you just, iunno, continue to talk about your gardening for a bit?  
TG: feigned interest aside, it actually sounds like a good time to hang with jade and you guys.  
TG: that and it allows me to further procrastinate, which is awesome.  
GA: You Are Typing Grammatically Correct Again  
GA: I Assume This Means I Have Your Undivided Attention  
TG: totes!  
GA: In That Case I Shall Ask You Once More  
GA: For What Purpose Did You Initiate This Conversation  
TG: blaaaargh  
TG: just let me spill over this big old can labled ‘beans’ alright?  
GA: I Shall Assume You Knocked It Over With Gusto  
TG: yeah so……  
TG: did rose ever talk to you about me?  
GA: Rose  
TG: yeah, you guys are moirails right?  
GA: Well  
GA: Yes  
GA: But What Does This Have To Do With Whether Or Not She Talked About You  
GA: You Should Know That Everything She Says To Me Is Strictly Confidential  
TG: yeah but, like  
TG: did she ever TALK about me?  
GA: I Am Not Entirely Sure What You Expect Me To Say  
GA: What Do You Hope To Gain From This Knowledge  
TG: it’s just that…..i kinda feel like she hates me you know?  
GA: I  
GA: Pardon  
TG: like okay, first we adventure with dave when we just got here and things are great  
TG: but after that, she doesn’t contact me anymore AT ALL, giving me the cold shoulder and shit  
TG: like, sorry but after chillin with u for 1 louzy aftternoon RL-Inc decidet not to prulong your contract. please pack your shit and leave.  
TG: what is even up with that?  
GA: Well  
GA: Rose Has Been Known To Have Some Difficulty Expressing Herself  
TG: ya bs  
TG: like, she is on rite now but comepeltyy ignoring me  
TG: even when i begn talking to her  
TG: was it somting I said?  
GA: I Would Not Know  
GA: You Would Have To Ask Her  
TG: yeah but that’s why i came to u first  
TG: being her moirail an stuff  
GA: That Is Very Thoughtful Of You Roxy  
GA: I Had Not Expected You To Take To The Quadrant System Like That  
TG: pfffft are you kiddin?  
TG: dipk and i lived in post fish-hitler eart  
TG: and since he’s like gay an stuff, which is totes cool, but we still needed to have like  
TG: human conpany and junk  
TG: so we were like: best railsies f4vs  
GA: I See  
GA: Should I Assume That Means You Have Your Own Moirail To Confide In As Well  
TG: nope  
TG: shit became hella awwkward in the game and thinks kinda fell apart all over the damn place, it was a mess.   
GA: I See  
GA: Have You Maybe Considered Getting A New Moirail  
TG: que?  
GA: I Appreciate You Confiding In Me The Way You Do  
GA: But It Sounds Very Much Like A Sollicitation For A Feelingsjam  
GA: And Considering My Relation With Rose I Deem That  
GA: Unwise  
TG: hahahaha oh woah, wht a goof  
TG: no, no itsh cool katana i didn’t mean  
TG: i mean whoops just look at me  
TG: goin all feelingsy like a dunkass  
TG: tank fack ur such a gloyal moirail cus shit would have been aaaaawkward  
GA: It Is Quite Alright  
GA: But I Appreciate The Compliment  
GA: Do You Want Me To Find Out Whether Or Not Rose Harbors Any Ill Feelings Towards You  
TG: i would like to know that, ye  
TG: just seein what is the happs you know?  
GA: I Understand The Sentiment  
GA: Rose Might Be Inclined To Explain Herself If I Ask Nicely  
GA: Though The More Likely Outcome Involves Copious Amounts Of Papping  
TG: thanks kanaya  
GA: Hah  
TG: wut  
GA: I Am Just Relieved You Actually Managed To Correctly Spell My Name  
GA: I Would Have Loathed To Live My Life As Katanka  
GA: Or Something Similarly Ridiculous  
TG: pffft, as if  
TG: you are herbye hencefurth known as katinka  
TG: *katanka   
GA: I Request You Do Not  
TG: so am  
TG: try and stop me  
GA: Sigh  
GA: If You Purposefully Mispronounce Roses Name As Well Then I Would Say Her Hypothetical Dislike For You Might Be Just  
TG: are you bein sassay mrs marygum  
GA: Perhaps A Little  
GA: I Hope It Didn’t Seem Too Sincere Because In Hindsight That May Have Been A Little Suggestive  
TG: no no  
TG: sasshyness cought an secured  
GA: Good  
GA: We Would Not Want That Rampant Sassyness Scurrying Around  
TG: put it in a tinny little caeg with a comickal amount a chains with a lil red bow atop  
GA: I Am Sure It Would Look Just Darling  
GA: Also  
GA: If You Feel Like Assisting In Our Impromptu Garden You Are More Then Welcome To Join Us Tomorrow  
TG: oh glob  
TG: you are totallly gone try to guild me into this aint you?  
GA: You Wound Me  
GA: I Would Not Dare Think About Something Of That Nature  
GA: While I Try To Salvage The Relationship Betwixt You And Your Ectosibling  
TG: groooooaaaaan  
TG: you are a willy lady fanaya  
TG: mad respect  
GA: Thank You  
GA: I Try  
GA: Now If You Will Excuse Me  
TG: aight, ty kanaya!

\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG]\--

 

\--cavalierGargarization [CG] began trolling absoluteCatastrophe [AC]\--

CG: Meulin, I am glad t9 see y9u are 9nline. I c9nsidered l99king f9r y9u f9r my next serm9n h9wever this will 6e a l9t m9re c9nvenient.  
CG: It has 6een my understanding that y9u have 6een instrumental in the 6reak up 6etween H9russ and Rufi9h. Naturally, I assume y9u are aware 9f the resp9nsi6ilities 9f a m9irail 6ut in case y9u f9rg9t: it is the m9irail’s duty t9 ensure his (9r her) mate thrives in his (9r her) 9ther quadrants.  
CG: T9 d9 this, the m9irail assists in the pers9nal gr9wth 9f his (9r her) partner and pacifies him (9r her) during peri9ds 9f increased stress 9n the thinkpan.  
CG: N9w we have esta6lished a c9mm9n p9int 9f reference I 6elieve it is time f9r us t9 cut t9 the heart 9f the matter in that y9u failed misera6ly in giving H9russ any f9rm 9f pers9nal gr9wth, which I state as 96jective fact as 9pp9sed t9 a highly 9pini9nated statement.  
CG: F9r starters, giving y9ur m9irails matesprit gr9unds f9r a 6reak up is unheard 9f in regular s9ciety and incredi6ly c9unter-pr9ductive t9 y9ur 9ver-arching g9al, that 6eing t9 all9w h9russ t9 thrive in his quadrant life.  
CG: Perhaps this has s9mething t9 d9 with the lingering distrust 6etween th9se 9f 9live persuasi9n and the high6l99ded tr9lls that l9rd 9ver them 6ecause despite their 6l99d they still qualify f9r the l9wer part of the spectrum. In which case, this c9unts as an act 9f sab9tage which is exactly the 9pp9site 9f the desired situati9n. If this is indeed the case, which c9nsidering the circumstances is pretty likely, I rec9mmend having a c9mpletely h9nest feeling jam t9 explain y9ur reas9ns f9r the aff9rementi9ned sa69tage.  
CG: An9ther p9ssi6ility w9uld 6e that y9u rec9gnized H9russ’s relati9n as severely dysfunti9nal and ch9se to create a catalyst t9 put an end t9 it. In which case, this has 6een a judgment call that was n9t y9urs t9 make, despite it having the p9tential 9f 6eing f9r the 6etter in the l9ng run. Reas9n f9r this is the high am9unt 9f em9ti9nal damage y9ur m9irail has sustained and h9w this c9ntradicts y9ur 96ligati9ns as his m9irail.   
CG: 9f c9urse, these are merely suggesti9ns and my 9wn musings 9n what has 6een g9ing 9n.  
CG: We must n9t include the p9ssi6ility 9f y9ur 9r h9russ’s 9wn failings in regard t9 the pale quadrant. Neglectful c9mmunicati9n 6etween m9irails is a seri9us issue and needs t9 6e addressed with the warning f9r p9tential triggers preceding it. Thankfully, I am prepared t9 d9 just that.  
AC: /(=-__-=)\ OH MY GOD  
CG: Ah, I am glad y9u caught up.  
CG: N9w let us c9ntinue t9 the aff9rementi9ned triggers.  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ NO WAY!!!  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ I AM NOT READING THROUGH ALL OF THAT!!!  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ WHO WOULD EVEN READ THROUGH ALL OF THAT?!!!  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WRITE ALL OF THAT?!!!  
CG: T9 pr9perly express my th9ughts and c9ncerns regarding the 6reak up 6etween H9russ and Rufi9h.  
CG: 6reaking up l9ng lasting relati9nships can 6e an incredi6ly triggering issue f9r s9me pe9ple. I fear Rufi9h and H9russ may require an auspistice in the very near future, depending 9n h9w well they handle their respective situati9ns. Th9ugh pr96a6ly qualified t9 d9 s9, I am afraid I must decline h9wever it sh9uld n9t 6e that difficult t9 find an acquaintance willing t9 fill his 9r her ashen quadrant. Pers9nally my 6et is 9n either Amp9ra 9r Serket as willing participants f9r this particular issue.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH. WELL I AM GLAD YOU ARE CONCERNED FOR THE WELL-BEING OF MY MOIRAIL BUT DON’T WORRY: EFURRYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL!!!!  
CG: Really?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!  
CG: Are y9u certain?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DEFURNITELY  
CG: Well alright then.  
CG: Still, this shipping 9rdeal carries a l9t 9f p9tential triggers. The damage y9u may cause t9 pre-excisting relati9nships can n9t 6e underestimated as dem9nstrated 6y the earlier menti9ned 6reak-up.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS JUST FUR FUN!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’S NOT LIKE WE ARE PAWSING A RISK FUR ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS!!!  
CG: Really?  
CG: 6ecause I think H9russ might disagree with y9u.  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ !!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT JUST KIND OF….. WENT WRONG WITH HORUSS!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I DIDN’T KNOW AT THE TIME BUT APPURENTLY RUFIOH HAD B33N MEANING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM FUR SW33PS!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MY PAWS WERE TIED!!!  
CG: 6ut y9u d9 n9t deny y9u created the catalyst, in the f9rm 9f rufi9h’s relati9n with jade, that caused them t9 6reak up?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL NO, BECLAWS I KIND OF DID THAT!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I JUST WANTED RUFIOH TO BECOME A BETTER TROLL, WHICH WOULD MAKE HIM A BETTER MATESPRIT FUR HORUSS!!!!  
CG: I see. Indirectly effecting the relati9ns 9f y9ur m9irail d9es seem t9 fall in line with the resp9nsi6ilities 9f an adequate m9irail.  
CG: Regardless, I cann9t help 6ut weep f9r the incredi6le am9unt 9f triggers this situati9n y9u caused bears.   
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ HOW WAS ANY OF THIS THIS MY FAULT?!  
CG: N9, that is n9t what I said. I realize the damage to y9ur audi9 recept9rs p9sses a pr96lem in y9ur daily life 6ut certainly this d9es n9t affect y9ur a6ility to c9mprehend written text.  
CG: Unless y9u als9 suffered damage t9 y9ur 9cular nerves with9ut my kn9wledge, in which case I ap9l9gize f9r my earlier c9mment regarding the su6ject.  
CG: What I stated was that, while n9t entirely y9ur fault, y9u need t9 take resp9nsi6ility f9r the situati9n.  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ MOOOOOOOOGGGGGGG!!!!  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME F33L EVEN MORE GUILTY ABOUT THIS!!!!  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ I KNOW WHAT PART IS MY FAULT AND WHAT ISN’T ALRIGHT?!!?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT HORUSS IS DOING FINE NOW!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ RUFIOH IS FINE NOW!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYONE IS FINE AND NOTHING HURTS!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THE SHIPPING TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION AND THERE IS NO STOPPING IT NOW!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CHOOO CHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
CG: Alright then. In that case I will c9ncede this matter. Y9u naturally kn9w y9ur 9wn m9irail 6est and if y9u claim that matters are indeed fine I will take y9ur w9rd f9r it. Even if all signs are 96vi9usly p9inting t9wards the fact that y9u are wr9ng.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THANK YOU!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ALSO, ALSO, ALSO, I HAVE B33N MEANING TO ASK!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW *DID* YOU GET TO LEVEL THR33 WITHOUT KILLING ANY MINIONS?!  
CG: Well, I am n9t h9rri6ly pr9ud 9f h9w that went d9wn.  
CG: I actually sat d9wn near the 9utskirts 9f the f9rest area t9 6egin writing my serm9ns. F9r s9me reas9n the underlings refuse to step 9ut 9f the area. I assume there is an invisi6le 69undary keeping them in place.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, THAT MAKES SENSE!!!  
CG: D9es it?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL DUH!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IF THE MONSTERS WERE TO WONDER WE COULD BE FACING LEVEL 99 CREATURES IN THE SAFE AREA!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ALSO THE SAFE AREA WOULD NOT BE FURRY SAFE IF MONSTERS COULD WANDER INTO IT LIKE IT ISN’T A BIG DEAL!!!!  
CG: Ah, yes. I see h9w that w9uld make sense fr9m a vide9game-like perspective.  
CG: Regardless, 9cassi9nally 9ne of them w9uld walk t9 the 9utskirts and glare at me in a m9st triggering manner. When I 6egin lecturing them 9n their crass 6ehavi9r they usually disengage.  
CG: Which is a g99d thing t99 6ecause I w9uld l9athe t9 use my strife specibus.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THEY ARE GUNS KANKRI!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE SUPPAWSED TO USE THEM!!!!  
CG: They are antiques Meulin and they require a l9t 9f time t9 6e pr9perly maintained.  
CG: Y9u d9n’t just let a wriggler play with these things. They need t9 6e treated with care and respect.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH YOU AND YOUR GUNS.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT IT STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN HOW YOU GAINED ANY LEVELS AT ALL WHILE BEING A PACIFIST.  
CG: 9h that’s simple. Apparently y9u are rewarded a 6it 9f experience p9ints 6y making the enemy disengage as well. Fact9r in the frequency in which they appeared as I was preparing my serm9ns and y9u get a decent am9unt 9f exp fr9m the enemies that fled c9m6at.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ REALLY?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BROKEN!!!  
CG: Well, it’s n9t.  
CG: I take it as a reward f9r my pacifist playstyle. If anything, SGRU6 w9uld have 6enefitted fr9m incentivizing alternative playstyles like this.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT PROBABLY DID, WE JUST NEFUR FIGURED OUT HOW!!!!  
CG: Perhaps, th9ugh it irks me t9 n9 end that we never disc9vered it.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, ALL WELL THAT ENDS WELL RIGHT?!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE’RE HERE AND THE BIGGEST PURROBLEM WE’VE FACED IN THIS NEW WORLD IS RUFIOH AND HORUSS BREAKING UP!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK THINGS ARE LOOKING UP COMPURRED TO OUR PURVIOUS SITUATION!!!!!  
CG: They pr96a6ly are, yes.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO WHAT DO YOU THINK KANKRI?!  
CG: A69ut what exactly?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CAN I SHIP YOU?!!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASE?!!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I’M WORKING ON THE PALE SHIPS RIGHT NOW AND MOG, DO I HAVE A FEW FUN ONES FUR YOU!!!!!!  
CG: What?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ COME ON, IT WILL BE FUN!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYONE N33DS TO HAVE A MOIRAIL AT SOME POINT AND I THINK YOU CAN REALLY BENEFIT FROM SOME PALE INPURVENTIONS EFURRY NOW AND THEN!!!!!!!!  
CG: I….. N9!  
CG: N9, I have n9 interest in shipping 9f any s9rt.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?! NO WAY!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EVEN CONSIDERING THE WAY YOU TALK TO PURRIM!?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THERE IS A PALE SHIP IN THERE: I CAN F33L IT!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SO GOD AT F33LING SHIPS KANKRI, LIKE *THE* BEST!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU’D BE SO CUTE TOGETHER!!!!!!  
CG: All9w me t9 reiterate.   
CG: I have n9 interest in shipping 9f any s9rt, especially n9t with Maryam.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OF COURSE YOU DO!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ JUST THINK ABOUT HOW ABSOLUTELY PURFECT THE TWO OF YOU WOULD BE ON THE PILE!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, JUST THINK ABOUT THE F33LS!!!!!!!!  
CG: Meulin, this line 9f c9nversati9n is starting t9 trigger me and I request that you cease!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BLUH!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT ABOUT LATULA THEN?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU LIKE LATULA RIGHT?  
CG: What?  
CG: N9, I mean… Sure plat9nically 6ut…. What even gives y9u such an a6surd n9ti9n?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU LIKE HER DON’T YOU?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SO SURE YOU DO!!!!  
CG: Let me reiterate 9n my previ9us reiterati9n: I have n9 interest in shipping 9f any sort, ESPECIALLY n9t with Maryam 9r Pyr9pe.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH COME ON!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOUR CRUSH ON LATULA WAS LIKE, THE WORST KEPT SECRET IN THE DREAMBUBBLES EFUR!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SECOND WORST MAYBE IF WE TAKE PURRIM’S RELATION WITH ARANEA INTO ACCOUNT!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT WAS STILL A PRETTY HORRIBLY KEPT SECRET THOUGH.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ *GASP*  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ COULD IT BE THAT I AM JUST SUCH A GREAT SHIPPER THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THOSE THINGS?!?!?!  
CG: There is n9thing g9ing 9n 6etween me and Pyr9pe!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO BUT WOULDN’T YOU LIKE THERE TO BE?!?!?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I CAN S33 IT NOW: A BEAUTIFUR MOIRAILLEGIANCE TO LAST THE AGES!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOOOOOGGGGG YOU’D BE SUCH PURECIOUS LITTLE GAY BABIES!!!!!!!  
CG: I 6elieve this c9nversati9n is 9ver.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
CG: I have made my p9int in regards t9 the issue surr9unding h9russ and rufi9h and d9 n9t 6elieve there is anything else t9 6e gained fr9m c9ntinuing this c9nversati9n.  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ !!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU MEAN YOU HAD A POINT?!?!?!  
CG: 9f c9urse I had a p9int Meulin!  
CG: And frankly, it is insulting that y9u w9uld ch99se t9 ign9re it. Frankly this type 9f 9live-attitude y9u are giving me is 6eginning t9 wear 9n me.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL SORRY I GUESS!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOUR WRITING IS REALLY LONG AND REALLY BORING!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IF YOU CAN MAKE IT SHORTER AND MAYBE A BIT MORE FUN I’M SURE I WOULD BE WILLING TO READ IT!!!!!  
CG: Y9u w9uld 6e willing t9 l99k int9 my manifest?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL SURE!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IF IT’S WRITTEN IN A WAY THAT ISN’T HORRIBLE I’LL GLADLY READ IT!!!!  
CG: Well, this meth9d 9f writing is necessary t9 pr9perly c9nvey my p9siti9n 9f 96jective 96server. N9t 9nly that 6ut it prevents pe9ple fr9m needlessly 6eing triggered 6y p9tential sh9cking c9ntent.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL MAYBE YOUR BORING TEXT IS TRIGGERING ME!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AS IN, IT MAKES ME WANT TO STOP READING IT AND START SHIPPING ALREADY!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU AND LATULA, LET’S DO THIS!!!!!  
CG: Meulin, I rejected y9ur 9ffer mere minutes ag9. What makes y9u think I will accept it n9w?!  
CG: The very idea 9f 6reaking my v9w 9f celi6acy is utterly repulsive t9 me and as such I will n9t hum9r these idle fancies 9f fraternizing with Pyr9pe. Even if she p9ssesses the m9st radiant teal eyes I have ever seen. Did y9u ever n9tice that? H9w even 6ef9re 9ur deaths she had these 6ig, alm9st enchanting 9culars?  
CG: Regardless, I take my 9ath incredi6ly seri9us. N9 quadrant 9f mine shall 6e filled until s9cial justice is adequately served in 9ur new w9rld. I d9ne this in h9n9r 9f 69th my p9st-scratch c9unter-part and f9r the 6ef9ran versi9n 9f my dancest9r. His tale is 69th epic and awe-inspiring. Surely I have t9ld y9u a69ut him?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PLEASE DON’T!!!!  
CG: It is strange t9 see the visage 9f my incredi6ly n96le dancest9r, wh9 f9ught f9r justice and equality acr9ss the lands, as a tr9ll 9ur 9wn age. An equal if y9u will. An incredi6ly irate equal, its true 6ut an equal n9netheless. There is much I w9uld like t9 de6ate with him a69ut in regards t9 his 9wn visi9n 9n s9cial justice and h9w it may have 6een tainted 6y his wrigglerh99d 9n the p9st-scratch 6eforus.  
CG: There is s9 much I want t9 teach him a69ut 9ur legacy.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AND I AM SURE HE APPURECIATES THAT FURRY MUCH!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WE HAVE SHIPPING TO DO!!!!  
CG: And again y9u d9 n9t listen.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ RUDE!!!!!  
CG: N9t a quadrant 9f mine shall 6e filled until s9cial justice is adequately served 9n 9ur new w9rld. This task will n9t 6e d9ne until I am satisfied with the result.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AREN’T ALREADY?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW MUCH MORE SOCIAL JUSTICEY DOES THIS PLACE N33D TO BE?!?!  
CG: I shall inf9rm y9u 9nce I find 9ut.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT IS STUPID!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE BEING STUPID!!!!!  
CG: Here is a suggesti9n y9u may find helpful Meulin: ask Cr9nus.  
CG: I am certainly he w9uld 6e delighted 6y the attenti9n as well as the pr9spect 9f filling 9ne 9f his quadrants.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BLUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HE’S DUMB!!!!!!!  
CG: 6e that as it may, y9u will pr96a6ly find him a l9t m9re c99perative than me, 9n acc9unt 9f having v9wed celi6acy. F9r me t9 engage in a quadrant 9f any s9rt w9uld 6e a severe 6reach 9f my 9wn discipline theref9re I can n9t da66le in such activities. I d9 h9pe y9u understand that I am in fact flattered 6y y9ur decisi9n t9 try and c9uple me, even if the p9ssi6le rammificati9ns f9r 9ur gr9up dynamic w9rry me. Yet an9ther m9tivat9r f9r me t9 steer clear 9f y9ur shipping shenanigans. I d9 think there are much 6etter ways t9 spend y9ur time 6ut I assume that this is a69ut as pr9ductive as y9u are g9ing t9 6e.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DIDN’T READ ANY OF THAT!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WH33333333!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ANYWAY, I’LL BE OFF!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT WAS FUN CHATTING WITH YOU, EVEN IF YOU ARE WAAAAAAY TOO SERIOUS!!!!!!  
CG: I am n9t way t99 seri9us.  
CG: I am, in fact, the appr9priate am9unt 9f seri9us.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOPE!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ALSO TALK WAY TOO MUCH, LIKE MOG!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TRY MAKING YOUR SERMONS SHORTER!!!!!!!  
CG: They w9uld l9se their effectiveness if I did.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES BUT MAYBE SOMEONE WILL ACTUALLY LISTEN IF YOU DO!!!!!!  
CG: n9, they are perfect the way they are!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NU UH!  
CG: De6ating this matter with y9u is frustratingly p9intless.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OKAY, I AM GOING TO LOOK FUR PEOPLE WHO *ARE* WILLING TO GET SHIPPED NOW AND LET YOU WORK ON MAKING SHORTER SERMONS!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BYE KANKRI!!!!!!!  
CG: Yes…..  
CG: Bye Leij9n.

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] ceased trolling cavalierGargarization [CG]\--

 

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]\--

GG: rose!  
GG: rose!!  
GG: rose!!!  
GG: ROOOOOOOSSSSSEEEEEEEE!!!!!!  
TT: Hmmm, I see those are a lot of exclamation marks but I wonder if they are enough to garner an immediate response?  
TT: Perhaps I should disregard them for the time being.  
GG: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Hello to you too Jade.  
TT: How have you been?  
GG: i have been great!  
GG: like, everything is going perfect now :B  
TT: That is quite a bold statement you are making there. Perfection is notoriously difficult to grasp.  
GG: i don’t care because i have it!  
GG: i actually worked on making a garden with kanaya and porrim  
GG: it still needs some work but i am sure it will be a lot of fun once its finished :B  
GG: it was so much fun to just work on botany again. i mean i tried to do that on our planets when i was with john and dave on that spaceship for three but it just wouldn’t work.  
GG: but here? the soil is perfect for growing all sorts of plants :B  
GG: i was thinking zucchini to be honest  
GG: do you think trolls like zucchini?  
TT: I think the trolls will eat just about anything you feed them.  
GG: oh, i should test that!  
GG: that sounds like a lot of fun  
TT: Let them eat zucchini.  
TT: I am certain it will be glorious.  
GG: hihi, i bet karkat will try to swallow it whole  
TT: Won’t that be a sight. Meanwhile, I am sure my dear ectobrother will compose a rap to honor the troll’s oral abilities.  
TT: Five boonbucks say that this is the most likely scenario.  
GG: you’re on!  
TT: So what warranted the plethora of shoutpoles earlier this conversation Jade?  
TT: Amusing as it is, I doubt you contacted me to debate trolls discovering earth vegetables for the first time.  
GG: oh yeah!  
GG: well, its kinda silly but it just dawned on me  
GG: we can be moirail buddies!!!!  
TT: Come again?  
GG: well, since we are the only humans with moirails and stuff  
GG: i thought maybe we could exchange tips and secrets :B  
TT: What did you have in mind exactly?  
GG: you know, how to deal with all the troll stuff  
GG: you have had a moirail longer than me so i imagine you have a lot of useful tips for me!  
TT: So you strife to be the best moirail you can be.  
GG: yes!  
GG: that’s probably the best way to do things  
GG: i am sure rufioh will appreciate it  
TT: Then why, pray tell, ask someone who isn’t your moirail for advice?  
TT: Surely he is the one who wants to indulge the growth of your capabilities as a moirail.  
GG: oh so that’s how it goes  
TT: Kanaya often reflects on my fumbling attempts at pacifying her early in our relationship. I shall spare you the details but it was truly embarrassing.  
GG: but roooooooose  
GG: i NEED those details  
TT: Jade, no.  
TT: These things are best left unsaid.  
GG: but roooooooooooooooooooseeeeeee  
TT: You will continue this until I yield, won’t you?  
GG: yes!  
TT: Even if I really do not wish to share this?  
GG: pleeeeaaaase?  
TT: Can I trust you to keep this information strictly between us?  
GG: i won’t tell anyone!  
TT: I am going to regret this…..  
TT: But during our first date as moirails, I accidentally massaged her horns.  
GG: uhm……  
TT: I know this might seem like a silly gesture but the massaging of ones horns is considered to be one of the most intimate acts moirails can perform. Needless to say, Kanaya was more than a little startled that I attempted to go that far during our first outing.  
GG: but i already did that with rufioh  
TT: What?  
GG: meulin was there too  
GG: i am not really sure but i am pretty sure she encouraged the situation  
TT: Now I am not sure what to think. Either you just showed incredible proficiency in the pale quadrant or the alpha trolls adher to subtly different cultural rules.  
TT: Either way, good job.  
GG: hihi thanks :B  
GG: are you on horn massaging level with kanaya as well?  
TT: A lady never kisses and tells Jade.  
GG: oh come on!  
TT: Hahaha. Yes, we have been on the coveted level of horn-massages for quite some time now.  
TT: Or just head-massages, considering the interspecies nature of our relationship.  
GG: oh, that does sound pretty nice  
GG: really relaxing and stuff  
TT: Kanaya was surprisingly adapt at it. I can’t talk for Rufioh of course.  
GG: i’ll have to ask him!  
TT: Just remember the cultural significance behind it.   
GG: nope!  
GG: after all we already went for the horn massage thingie  
GG: besides, wouldn’t he get a kick out of helping me grow as a moirail?  
TT: My, Jade. That is quite the devious little ploy.  
GG: :B  
GG: its too bad actually  
TT: What is?  
GG: i really like rufioh and stuff, i really do  
GG: but i kind of got roped into the whole thing by meulin  
GG: if i wasn’t, maybe i could have become moirails with john or dave  
GG: because they really need moirails as well  
TT: I concur. However, I am not sure John requires one as well.  
TT: He always struck me as quite the balanced person.  
GG: yeah, until puberty struck  
TT: Elaborate?  
GG: he just gets these really whiny moods every now and then  
GG: it’s kind of annoying  
TT: The mental image dancing around my mind right now is simultaneously terrifying and hilarious.  
TT: Please don’t tell me he had a goth phase on your three year journey as well. Learning that I had to miss that is enough to send me into severe depression.  
GG: no he didn’t go goth :P  
GG: just kind of whiny and angry at nothing in particular  
GG: i mean, i would moirail him but i am taken now and i am not sure that’s even a thing  
TT: Kanaya wondered about the very similar relation I share with Dave.  
TT: She affectionately refers to our situation as the ‘Mysterious Human Quadrant’.  
GG: kind of pale but not really?  
TT: Amongst other things. Apparently our friendships are a lot closer than what passes for normal in troll society.  
GG: trolls are weird  
TT: Indeed they are.  
GG: so what are feelingsjams like for you and kanaya?  
TT: I cannot tell you Jade. Those are highly private moments.   
TT: Though I admit it is tempting to just tell you, you are probably better off finding out for yourself.  
TT: After all, every moiraillegiance is unique.  
GG: bluh, i guess  
GG: rufioh is a pretty cool guy  
GG: i just want to make sure i don’t look like a complete goof next to him, you know?  
TT: You are a pretty cool girl jade.  
GG: hihi yeah!  
TT: My advice to you Jade, is to use that sentiment in a feelingsjam. It is a great insecurity to lead him into teaching you about his own expectations in the pale quadrant.  
GG: oh, that is actually very clever!  
GG: why didn’t we ever become moirails, you are so good at making this stuff sound easy :P  
TT: There are still a view other quadrants dear but unless I have been misreading the signs you do not exactly hate me.  
GG: why would i hate you :/  
GG: that’d be weird  
TT: Indeed.  
TT: And unless this has all been an elaborate ruse, you aren’t in love with me either.  
TT: If that is the case however, consider your subterfuge an astounding success.  
GG: what?!  
GG: no!  
GG: why does it have to be love right away?  
GG: can’t we just be like, super special awesome best friends? :B  
TT: Do you need a quadrant to be as such?  
GG: :O  
GG: well not really but it makes it more official  
TT: Very well then. From now on I dub us official super special awesome best friends.  
TT: John and Dave may be invited as well, if we feel like allowing them into our highly exclusive ranks.  
GG: oh should we? :P  
GG: it IS a very exclusive club  
GG: can’t we convince them to serve us like butlers?  
TT: Oh, I would pay to see that.  
TT: I am sure they would look just dashing if we could convince them to wear the proper attire. I am fairly sure we can convince Dave by abusing his lack of understanding actual ‘irony’.  
TT: You’d think that, with all the time he has had, he’d pick up a dictionary at one point.  
GG: hihi, make it part of the super special awesome best friends club entry test  
TT: That would permanently bar my beloved brother from entering.  
TT: I like it.  
GG: hahaha you’re horrible :P  
TT: I like that too.  
GG: if anything ever goes completely wrong with my moiraillegiance ánd yours we should still totally become moirails  
TT: I don’t know Jade. That sounds like a awfully large responsibility.  
TT: But I suppose that in the event of such a cataclysm we could indeed totally become moirails.  
GG: yes!  
TT: Was this your plan all along?  
TT: To give this troll false hope while secretly trying to talk me onto the pile?  
GG: eeeeew why do you have to make it weird?  
GG: i am not just leaving rufioh  
GG: and you’re not just leaving kanaya like this either  
GG: or my first and only job as moirail will be to bring you two back together!  
TT: How very much like you.  
TT: Do not fret. I have no intention of breaking up with Kanaya either.  
TT: And I would be very concerned if the Jade Harley I know would suddenly lead Rufioh on like this.  
GG: :B  
GG: but i CAN come to you if i have serious moirail problems right?  
GG: like, stuff i can’t talk to rufioh about for any reason or something  
TT: Of course Jade. What are we super special awesome best friends for?  
GG: wouldn’t that be cheating technically?  
TT: I….. don’t think it is?  
TT: Yes, I think it’ll be fine.  
GG: awesome!  
GG: oh rufioh is here right now  
GG: maybe i can sneak in a quick jam session ;)  
TT: Go get him Jade.  
GG: i will, thank you!

\--gardenGnostic[GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]\--

 

\--cravingTaurus [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

CT: 8=D< Hello Nepeta  
CT: 8=D< Have you been well?  
AC: :33< horuss!  
AC: :33< uhm….. hi?  
AC: :33< how have you b33n?  
CT: 8=D< Good, good, I have been good  
CT: 8=D< Everything has been going abso100tely capital  
CT: 8=D< I am making good progress on a new roboti% project and err  
CT: 8=D< Yes, I have been staying busy  
AC: :33< good, good  
AC: :33< that is good to hear horuss  
AC: :33< it’s good to distract yourself from  
AC: :33< well, you know  
CT: 8=D< Oh I concur.  
CT: 8=D< Indeed, yes, remaining optimistic and not thinking about your own issues or limitations is STRONGLY recommended.  
AC: :33< uhm, well if it makes you f33l better, i guess?  
AC: :33< but you should not forget the reality of the situation you know?  
AC: :33< it isn’t healthy  
CT: 8=D< The reality of the situation has not escaped me, I assure you.  
CT: 8=D< As of right now I am a single troll, with an endless landscape of possibilities in front of me.  
CT: 8=D< However there is no reason whatsoever for me to let this get me down.  
AC: :33< are you sure?  
AC: :33< i mean, not that you f33l1ng good is a bad thing but your matesprit of sw33ps broke up with you  
AC: :33< it’s only normal to be sad about that  
CT: 8=D< Indeed, my moirail informed me the occasional bout of sadness might be appropriate.  
CT: 8=D< However the sadness is now gone and the optimism is here to stay.  
AC: :33< alright  
CT: 8=D< So please tell me, how is the shipping going?  
AC: :33< a bit slow to be honest  
AC: :33< like, i am sure we could have sailed one or two ships more already if you tried a little harder  
AC: :33< there is just so much to do that we aren’t sure where to start  
AC: :33< but don’t worry!  
AC: :33< we are determined to ship efurryone eventually, including you  
CT: 8=D< That is a noble goal, worthy of respect.  
CT: 8=D< I would whinny in honor and admiration of this task you have taken upon yourself but I am trying to lessen my horse-like behayvior.  
AC: :33< haha, that’s alright  
AC: :33< i don’t mind a little roleplaying  
CT: 8=D< E%cellent, e%cellent.  
CT: 8=D< Meulin claimed that she was working on the pale quadrants. Sh001d I assume you have taken the black or red quadrants upon yourself?  
AC: :33< you defurnitely should!  
AC: :33< i am going to hook up efurry red couple i can!  
CT: 8=D< Every red couple?  
AC: :33< yes!  
AC: :33< efurryone deserves to have a matesprit to love and to be loved by unconditionally and gosh darn it i will s33 to it that they get theirs  
AC: :33< my shipping wall is so huge right now, you have no idea  
CT: 8=D< This sounds promising.  
AC: :33< it is!  
AC: :33< just you watch, efurryone will have a matesprit in no time  
AC: :33< it will be the most romantic thing efur!  
CT: 8=D< Fascinating. Perhaps then you w001d be willing to do me a small favor?  
AC: :33< of course  
AC: :33< what is it?  
AC: :33< do you want to be shipped already?  
CT: 8=D< Something among those lines, yes.  
AC: :33< i am not sure  
AC: :33< i hadn’t really considered your ships yet to be pawnest  
AC: :33< what did you have in mind?  
CT: 8=D< C001d you maybe ship me with Rufioh. Please?  
AC: :33< ……….  
CT: 8=D< 100k, I know I have not been the best or the most stable matesprit I c001d have been but I can change!  
CT: 8=D< Overbearing Horuss? No more!  
CT: 8=D< I will allow my love to gallop as free as the most majestic of hoofbeasts.  
CT: 8=D< Speaking of which: my attempts at becoming a hoofbeast? Nothing more than the idle fancy of the old Horuss, whereas I have currently ceased any and all attempt to join the herd.  
CT: 8=D< I shall come to therms with the fact that I am a born troll through and trough and bear these gorgeous horns of mine with the biggest smile this side of the incipisphere has ever seen.  
CT: 8=D< Because let us be completely frank, the obsession of past Horuss was more than a little silly. Who c001d ever love a troll who posses such an embarrassement for one’s kin.  
CT: 8=D< What do you think?  
AC: :33< horuss…  
AC: :33< i really think you should let him go  
CT: 8=D< You do not understand Nepeta, I love him.  
CT: 8=D< Without him, my life has no meaning.  
AC: :33< don’t say that!  
AC: :33< don’t even think something like that!  
CT: 8=D< But it is true, therefore my most humble of requests.  
CT: 8=D< Please ship me with Rufioh.  
AC: :33< i don’t think i can  
CT: 8=D< Why w001d you not?  
CT: 8=D< Evidently the two of us are made for each other  
CT: 8=D< We have been dating a long time and sh001d be able to resume our relationship  
AC: :33< uhm…  
CT: 8=D< My ceaseless optimism inspired me to this grand idea  
CT: 8=D< Do you not approve?  
AC: :33< maybe you should try to find someone else to be your matesprit  
AC: :33< beclaws well  
AC: :33< there are so many other pawtential ships   
CT: 8=D< Oh, I am well-aware. Regardless, Rufioh is the only one I desire.  
CT: 8=D< I simply must have him returned to my red quadrant.  
AC: :33< what?!  
CT: 8=D< We are made for each other, destined to be together forever.  
CT: 8=D< Now w001d you kindly help me get him back?  
AC: :33< no!  
CT: 8=D< What?  
AC: :33< i said no!  
CT: 8=D< But….. But you have to ship me!  
AC: :33< and i will eventually!  
AC: :33< it just won’t be with rufioh!  
CT: 8=D< I believe you do not understand. Rufioh is the only troll I desire.  
CT: 8=D< He is my soulmate.  
AC: :33< if the two of you WERE soulmates he wouldn’t have broken up with you!  
CT: 8=D< He is just confused and perhaps a little weary of the troll i used to be.  
CT: 8=D< But I can change and he will love me again.  
AC: :33< okay, he defurnitely WASN’T confused when he broke up!  
CT: 8=D< I….  
CT: 8=D< Nepeta please.  
CT: 8=D< I need this.  
AC: :33< no, you really don’t!  
AC: :33< pawnestly, i don’t even get what is so great about rufioh anyway!  
AC: :33< he is just a boring normal troll who just happens to have wings but who cares!  
AC: :33< aradia and vwiskers had wings fur a while and  
AC: :33< oh fuck, vriska…..  
CT: 8=D< As I suspected. You simply do not understand.  
AC: :33< no, YOU do not understand!  
AC: :33< you have some sort of image in your head of a purfect matesprit and you are completely wrong!  
AC: :33< rufioh isn’t perfect AT ALL!  
AC: :33< he doesn’t want to get shipped with you and frankly i don’t blame him!  
AC: :33< this ship just doesn’t work!  
CT: 8=D< Of course this ship works!  
CT: 8=D< We have been together for eons, he HAS to love me!  
AC: :33< just beclaws it’s the way things have always b33n doesn’t mean it’s the right way to continue horuss  
AC: :33< it is nothing short of a miracle the two of you got together in the furst place beclaws i don’t believe you have anything in common!  
CT: 8=D< I can not a%cept this.  
CT: 8=D< Kindly assist me in this matter or I will find someone who shall.  
AC: :33< oh my god!  
AC: :33< why can’t you respect rufioh’s choice in the matter!  
AC: :33< he clearly expurressed that it wasn’t easy fur him either but he simply does not love you like that anymore!  
AC: :33< you are acting like he owes you his love or even worse that you can own him  
AC: :33< well big shock: YOU CAN’T!  
AC: :33< you are talking him up like he is some sort of purfect troll with no flaws but he isn’t!  
AC: :33< he is a real purson with real f33lings  
AC: :33< what would even happen if the two of you got back in a relationship now!?  
AC: :33< would you REALLY be able to live happily knowing he wants to break up with you!?  
CT: 8=D< He broke up with the OLD Horuss.  
CT: 8=D< But you’re right: it won’t be easy.  
AC: :33< IT WON’T EVEN HAPPEN!  
AC: :33< if the two of you would begin dating again now you would both be miserable!  
AC: :33< you have basically guilted him into dating you this long   
AC: :33< if he wasn’t so afuraid of hurting you, he would have broken up SW33PS ago  
CT: 8=D< What?!  
AC: :33< if you were to date again now, he would be too afraid of hurting you to speak his mind and you would be distrustful of him beclaws he broke up with you!  
AC: :33< any sensible troll would realize that mending a relation at this point is nearly imppawsible  
AC: :33< if you wanted him to love the new horuss you should have introduced him sw33ps ago  
AC: :33< i am sorry i guess, but that’s just how it is  
CT: 8=D< ……….  
AC: :33< like, what would even happen if theoretically he finds a new matesprit?  
CT: 8=D< I would die of sorrow.  
CT: 8=D< I w001d rather pierce my heart right now and be done with it.  
AC: :33< DON’T KILL YOURSELF YOU IDIOT!  
AC: :33< THERE ARE STILL 28 PEOPLE TO FURM MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS AND RELATIONS WITH!  
AC: :33< YOU DO NOT FUCKING LIVE FOR YOUR MATESPRITESHIP!  
AC: :33< I UNDERSTAND THAT IT HURTS RIGHT NOW BUT YOU DON’T N33D YOUR MATESPRIT’S VALIDATION TO K33P LIVING A NORMAL LIFE!  
AC: :33< YOU DON’T EVEN WANT RUFIOH! THE RUFIOH YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEAD DOESN’T EVEN EXIST!  
AC: :33< THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE YOU CAN TRY TO GET TO KNOW AND BEGIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH BUT YOU CAN’T EVEN S33 THAT BECLAWS YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH THIS FICTIONAL RUFIOH YOU’VE INVENTED!  
AC: :33< YOU CAN GO OUT *RIGHT NOW* AND GET TO LEARN NEW PEOPLE!   
AC: :33< MAYBE FIND A KISMESIS OR A NEW MATESPRIT ENTIRELY!!!  
AC: :33< IT’LL BE GREAT!  
AC: :33< AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE DON’T KILL YOURSELF YOU IDIOT!  
CT: But it hurts so much.  
CT: It hurts so much Nepeta.  
AC: :33< i understand that…   
AC: :33< breaking up or finding out the purson you adore doesn’t love you back is really painful but it happens  
AC: :33< but you can get over it  
AC: :33< KILLING YOURSELF IS NEVER THE ANSWER!  
CT: …………  
AC: :33< you should talk to your moirail about it  
CT: I am so confused.  
CT: He loves me. I know he does….  
AC: :33< i don’t think he hates you  
AC: :33< and he really doesn’t want to s33 you hurt  
AC: :33< but if he still loves you, it is purobably just the platonic kind  
AC: :33< which is also furry important!  
AC: :33< but it isn’t what you are looking fur  
CT: I think….  
CT: I think I need to be alone for a bit.  
AC: :33< i understand  
AC: :33< should i tell meulin?  
CT: No, no. There is no need to bother her.  
CT: I will contact her myself.   
CT: Thank you Nepeta.

\--cravingTaurus [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

 

\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]\--

GC: wh4t up l1l c4ptor!!!  
GC: r41s3 the roof 4ll up th1s h1zzous3, h3y how you b33n?  
TA: what do you want?  
GC: just m4k1ng sm4ll t4lk solr1zz4.  
GC: c4n 1 c4ll you solr1zz4?  
TA: god2 no  
GC: cool, cool.  
GC: so how you b33n m4n?  
TA: look, ii am up to my tiit2 iin soulbot riight now  
TA: ju2t tell me what you want 2o ii can go back two iignoriing pretty much everyone  
GC: hot d4mn solbro, you work1ng th4t t3chno w1z4rdry?  
GC: l1k3 4 boss!!!!  
GC: th4t sh1t t4k3s m4d sk1llz fo r34l.  
GC: h3ck, 1 oft3n m3ss up r3pl4c1ng th3 b4tt3r13s 1n my w4lkm4n.  
TA: there are 2o many thiing2 about that 2entence that make me want to hurl  
TA: who even u2e2 a walkman anymore 2eriiou2ly?  
GC: 4r3 you k1dd1ng, th4t sh1t 1s m4d hyp3!  
TA: iit iis outdated garbage  
TA: why even bother  
GC: 1t 1s styl1ng l1k3 cr4zy and h4s my f4vor1t3 songs, wh4t mor3 do 1 n33d?  
TA: maybe more than a max of twenty 2ong2?  
TA: look thii2 ii2 2tupiid  
TA: what do you want?  
GC: 41ght so b34r w1th m3 sol1n4tor.  
TA: 2top giiviing me tho2e horriible niickname2 and ii miight  
GC: l1k3, 1 4m not sur3 1f you not1c3d but 1 4m srsly l4gg1ng b3h1nd 1n th3 whol3 l3v3l1ng g4m3.  
GC: 1 4m sudd3nly th3 chump 4nd 1 don’t d34l w3ll w1th b31ng no chump you d1g?  
TA: ii diig  
GC: l1k3 1 4m st1ll l3v3l on3.  
GC: th1s 1s l1k3 th3 low3st scor3 1m4g1n34bl3 on th3 p1nb4ll d3v1c3.  
GC: 1t 1s k1nd4 p4th3t1c.  
TA: 2o you are level one biig whoop  
TA: iit2 not liike we have two fiight for the 2ake of our 2urviival  
TA: iim pretty 2ure the re2t ju2t take2 iit a2 2port  
GC: y34h but 1 41nt t4k1ng th1s ly1ng down.  
GC: c4n 1 g3t 4 h3ll y34h?.  
TA: no  
GC: so l1k3, 1 gots 4 d4t3 w1th popo for som3 sw33t g1rl pow3r l3v3l1ng  
GC: but 1 f33l k1nd4 b4d for mc for b31ng 4lon3 4ll 4ft3rnoon l1k3 th4t you know?  
GC: soooooooo  
TA: no  
TA: no  
TA: let me 2top you riight there  
TA: ii am not goiing to lu2u2 your mate2priit  
GC: com3 on m4n!  
GC: 1 would t4k3 h1m 4long but w3 c4n’t h4v3 pornst4r t4nk1ng for two.  
TA: then 2tay wiith hiim at your hiive  
TA: who even care2 about the2e dumb level2 anyway?  
GC: wh4t l3v3l 4r3 you 4t?  
TA: 11  
GC: s33? Th4t sh1t r1ght th3r3 1s h3ll4 unf41r!  
GC: b3s1d3s, 1 4m sur3 m1tun4 w1ll l1k3 sp3nd1ng som3 t1m3 w1th h1s d4nc3stor  
TA: yeah and ii am 2ure hii2 dance2tor wiill enjoy not doiing that  
GC: dud3!  
GC: you got som3 k1nd of b33f w1th mc?  
TA: what the fuck giive2 you that iidea?  
TA: ii am two bu2y riight now to play lu2u2 for a troll that can’t take care for hiim2elf  
GC: but h3 1s r34lly look1ng forw4rd to h4ng1ng out w1th you.  
GC: h3 th1nks you’r3 the bomb m4n!!  
TA: oh fuck you  
TA: you actually told hiim we’d hang out?  
GC: w3ll w3’ll b3 1n th1s world for 4 wh1l3 long3r 4nyw4y  
GC: 1 4m sur3 you w1ll 3nd up putt1ng th3 m4d ch1ll1ngs down 4t som3 po1nt 1n t1m3  
TA: you told hiim we’d hang out thii2 afternoon diidn’t you?  
GC: 3rr….  
GC: m4yb3?  
TA: god damniit  
GC: look, you 4r3 on3 of th3 f3w n32 p3opl3 m1tun4 h4s t4k3n 4 l1k1ng to. 1 would b3 r34lly gr4t3ful 1f you could just h4ng out 4nd shoot th3 sh1t w1th h1m.  
TA: what am ii, hii2 moiiraiil?   
GC: no 1 4m not s4y1ng th4t dud3!  
GC: 4ll 1 4m s4y1ng 1s th4t th3 two of you could tot4lly h4ng out 4nd stuff. 1t’ll b3 w1ck3d 1 prom1s3.  
GC: th4t 4nd 1t’ll g1v3 m3 th3 ch4nc3 to gr1nd 4 b1t.  
GC: 4ft3r wh1ch 1 c4n h3lp mc l3v3l mys3lf.  
TA: know what?  
TA: fiine  
TA: but you fuckiing owe me   
TA: al2o: not leaviing my hiive today 2o you better get hiim here  
GC: Y3S!  
GC: 1 kn3w you w3r3 4 cool k1d solbro, don’t l3t 4nyon3 3v3r t3ll you you’r3 4 cr4y lon3r!  
TA: they don’t  
TA: not to my face anyway  
GC: r1ght3ous.  
GC: 1’ll b3 br1ng1ng tun4 ov3r 1n 4n hour 4nd 1’ll r3turn to p1ck h1m up wh3n 1 4m l1k3 l3v3l f1v3 or so.  
GC: th4t cool, w3 cool?  
TA: yeah fiine  
TA: whatever  
GC: 4nd you’r3 cool w1th tun4 r1ght?  
TA: ii have nothiing agaiin2t hiim iif that’s what we’re talkiing about  
GC: 1t’ll do!  
GC: just try to k33p h1m 4w4y from sh4rp obj3cts. 4nyth1ng 3ls3 1s pr3tty much f41r g4m3.  
TA: iincludiing tho2e paiinful lookiing 2kateboard antiic2?  
GC: sh1t mc c4n h4ndl3 f4ll1ng down onc3 or tw1c3.  
TA: or a few hundred  
GC: h3 do3sn’t n33d to b3 tr34t3d l1k3 4 wr1ggl3r.   
TA: 2o ii am takiing care of hiim thii2 afternoon becau2e?  
GC: b3c4us3 h3 g3ts h3ll4 lon3ly  
TA: why diid ii even a2k  
TA: ii’ll ju2t 2pend the day playiing party game2 wiith hiim or 2omethiing  
GC: h3ck y34h!  
GC: k1ck th4t sh1t old skool suck4!  
TA: anythiing el2e ii 2hould know before you drop hiim off?  
GC: oth3r th4n th3 sh4rp th1ng13s 4nd how th3y should b3 k3pt 4w4y from tun4?  
GC:h3 1s r34lly fond of h1s h3lm3t 4nd pr3f3rs not to t4k3 1t off, 3v3n 1f 1t g3ts m4x gn4rly wh3n 1t do3sn’t g3t cl34n3d.  
GC: oh, 4nd pl34s3 don’t g3t off3nd3d 4bout h1s cho1c3 of words. 1 don’t t4k3 you for 4 w1mp but you know how 1t go3s: som3 squ4r3s g3t th31r und3rg4rm3nts 1n 4 tw1st l1k3 nobod13s bus1n3ss.  
GC: 4nd 1f h3 fl1ps out dur1ng 4 g4m3 just 1gnor3 1t. h3 usu4lly c4lms down 4ft3r 4 b1t. g1v1ng h1m 4 st3rn w4rn1ng m1ght h3lp 1f h3 g3ts out of l1n3 but th3r3 1s no 1ll w1ll b3h1nd h1s outbursts.  
GC: 4lso, try to k33p h1m 4w4y from cronus. th3 two of th3m R34LLY don’t g3t 4long 4ll th4t w3ll. th4t 4nd 1 don’t trust h1m.  
TA: holy 2hiit would you look at that  
TA: 2omeone el2e ii2 trolliing me  
TA: let2 put thii2 conver2atiion on hold for a whiile  
TA: ju2t drop hiim off whenever  
GC: but 1 w4sn’t don3 y3t!!  
TA: later

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling gnarlyCrailtap [GC]\--

 

\--apacolypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]—

AA: hey sollux!  
TA: oh thank god  
TA: 2aved by the riingiing deviice  
TA: what2 up?  
AA: i wanted to ask how things were going with aradiabot  
AA: did you make any progress  
TA: nope  
AA: oh  
AA: that is unfortunate  
TA: 2hiit ii know riight  
AA: can’t you fix it?  
TA: the problem wiith your 2oulbot ii2 iin iits hardware not iin iits 2oftware  
TA: and whiile ii am pretty awe2ome iin hackiing 2hiit, makiing viiru2e2 and doiing 2hiit wiith 2oftware thii2 hardware ii22ue ii2 ju2t a liittle two complex for me  
TA: probably becau2e you only found iit2 fuckiing tor2o  
TA: 2eriiou2ly, what happened to thii2 thiing?  
AA: that is what i am trying to find out  
AA: a mystery is afoot  
AA: and i intend to solve it  
TA: you are way two iintwo thii2  
AA: i just want to know what happened to this aradiabot  
AA: she may just be the last of her kind  
AA: and that’s kind of sad  
TA: iit would be  
TA: iif we diidn’t liive wiith the la2t eiight human2 and the la2t twenty odd troll2  
TA: everyday ii2 a ‘la2t of our kiind’ party  
AA: oh shush  
TA: can’t you ju2t 2end thii2 thiing to eq and be done wiith iit?  
TA: 2weaty and douchy a2 he iis, iif anyone can fiix thii2 thiing up iit2 probably hiim.  
AA: 0_0  
AA: i rather not  
TA: ii rather wouldn’t eiither but ii clearly remember you 2ayiing you want two 2olve thii2 my2tery  
TA: you’d thiink you’d be more wiilliing to go for whatever work2  
AA: well  
AA: things have been a little awkward between us since i exploded  
TA: yeah explodiing wiill do that two people  
AA: we never officially broke up  
AA: there are a lot of things left unsaid that probably should remain that way  
AA: i don’t want to risk hurting him any further  
TA: really?  
TA: iin how fucked up your relatiion wiith hiim wa2 you’d thiink that would be a no brainier  
AA: i don’t hold any ill will towards him  
TA: ii do  
TA: on account of hiim beiing a 2melly hiighblood a22hole who wanted two force you two love him  
AA: sollux  
TA: ii know, ii know pa2t griievance2 or whatever  
AA: still rude  
TA: look iif you really want to avoiid hiim then maybe you can a2k diirk for help  
AA: dirk?  
TA: the guy 2eem2 to be an aii wiizard iif nothiing el2e  
TA: maybe he know2 hii2 hardware a2 well  
AA: perhaps  
AA: yes  
AA: that could work  
AA: have you talked to him before?  
TA: yeah  
TA: duriing the black date2  
AA: and?  
AA: 0u0  
TA: and my black quadrant ii2n’t goiing two bee fiilled any tiime 2oon  
AA: that’s too bad  
TA: ii only went there for 2hiit2 and giiggle2 anyway  
TA: be2iide2, my only optiion2 would have been 2triider and the ampora dork2  
TA: ii rather go celiibate than take an ampora for my kii2me2ii2  
AA: hahaha  
AA: any luck in the other quadrants?  
TA: not really looking for anything right now  
AA: fair enough  
TA: how about you?  
TA: you have been hanging out with that english dork a lot  
AA: jake is nice  
TA: ii am waiitiing for a biit more than ‘he ii2 niice’  
AA: what more do you want?  
TA: ii don’t know  
TA: 2omethiing among the liine2 of: he ii2 the moiiraiil and/or mate2priit ii have been dreamiing of?  
AA: he is nice and he is funny?  
TA: ii don’t know what ii wa2 expectiing  
TA: look, ii’ll a2k diirk to look over the 2oulbot  
TA: but iif he can’t fiix iit you’ll eiither have two a2k eq or deal wiith thiis my2tery remaiiniing un2olved  
AA: never!  
TA: never a2kiing eq or never lettiing thii2 2uppo2ed mystery go un2olved?  
AA: both   
TA: yeah 2ure  
TA: knock your2elf out  
TA: anyway, LP ii2 at the door now  
AA: lp?  
TA: TZ’2 dance2tor  
TA: ii am apparently lookiing after MC for her  
AA: that’s cute  
TA: no iit ii2n’t  
AA: are you doing this to get closer to your dancestor?  
TA: no ii am not  
AA: oh  
AA: are you doing this to get closer to her?  
TA: not at all  
AA: you are no fun  
TA: 2crew that  
TA: ii am more fun than a barrel of apebea2t2  
AA: please  
AA: you are not thát fun  
TA: whatever  
TA: 2ee you 2oon AA  
AA: see you soon sollux

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling apacolypseArisen  [AA]\--

AR: Well…. Nevermind the robot issue I guess.  
AR: Sometimes life just works I guess.  
TT: Think you can take a look at the memory of an alien amalgamation of technology and soul-stuff and prevent our inconvenient truth from getting out?   
AR: Chances of success are looking pretty good.   
TT: Wonderful.   
AR: Seriously though, we got lucky this time.  
AR: You can not assume everything will just work out in the end.  
AR: What if Captor really had figured out what the deal was with that Aradiabot?  
AR: We would have been found in the alps.   
AR: And for further clarification: with ‘we’ I mean ‘you’.   
TT: Consider it noted.   
TT: I’ll just go tell Sawtooth the deal is off.   
AR: What?   
TT: Yeah, the main man was all prepped for a stealth mission and now won’t even get to do that.  
TT: It’s like your date standing you up while you got dressed up in a fancy tux and a fez.  
TT: Really depressing.   
AR: I see. You were not just idly watching other’s private lives unfold.   
TT: Dude, give me a bit more credit then that.   
TT: Even if I disagree, normally you are pretty on-point with these kinda things. What makes you think I would somehow be this sloppy?   
TT: Seriously, surprise knock-out gas attack on his hive, replacing the Aradiabot with scrap and putting everything in place to blame the special Captor.   
AR: That is cold dawg.   
TT: I prefer calling it practical.   
AR: Glad to see you remain a pragmatic son of a bitch.   
TT: Keeping this as a back-up plan while eagerly awaiting the request to take care of the wayward bot.   
AR: Shouldn’t you be busy with shipping?   
TT: Shouldn’t you be busy with strategizing?   
AR: Point taken.

\--autoResponder [AR] ceased pestering timeausTestified [TT]\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one became a lot longer than I expected. Not only did I get to write a slowly breaking Horuss but I also got to rap about horse dong ánd write Kankri. So yeah, long chapter.
> 
> Next chapter we shall sail another ship.


	7. Vaccine

\--cyprinidConqueror [CC2] opened memo: BASIC FUCKING SURVIVAL--

CC2: aight everyguppy get your shit together  
CC2: got some major bombshells to drop on ya’ll so you better listen up  
CG1: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  
CC2: what do you mean?  
CG1: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT DO I MEAN?!  
CG1: THIS IS MY MEMO.  
CC2: so?  
CC2: i am borrowing this joint.  
AG2: Hijacking would 8e more accurate.  
CC2: and a lot more bad-ass, good thinking!  
AG2: What do you think of calling it commandeering?  
CC2: ---EVEN BETTER!!  
TA1: ii am 2ure there ii2 a poiint you are goiing two make 2ooner or later  
CC2: i am getting to that captor jr  
AG1: Oh, this is a8out the tower?  
CA1: pretty much  
CA1: wwhat else could it be about  
GC1: PROB4BLY WH4T W3 FOUND 1N TH3R3 >:]  
AT1: i AM GOING ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY TREASURE,  
AT1: iS THAT THE THING YOU FOUND?  
AT1: bECAUSE i THINK THAT IS PROBABLY THE THING YOU FOUND,  
GC1: CLOS3 BUT NOT R34LLY  
AG2: Well one could 8e forgiven for interpreting it as such.  
AG2: Granted, it is kind of stretching the definition 8ut one could make an argument for an artifact of this importance to 8e a treasure in its own right.  
CC2: serks your glubbin again  
GA1: I Do Not Think We Mind Much  
CC2: ya should  
CA2: so maybe you can get to the point  
CA2: wvhat did you find atop a the towver  
CA1: you knoww you COULD just join our parties for a change  
CA2: dude, look at me  
CA2: just look at me  
TA2: 1 5PY W17H MY FU4RK1NG 3Y3 4 B1G DUMB DOUCH3  
CA2: no captor  
CA2: i can’t risk my awvesome wveave fightin and stuff  
CA1: you can’t be serious  
AT1: wASN’T THERE A POINT ABOUT TO BE MADE?  
AT1: cAN WE GO BACK TO THAT?  
GG2: Agreed.  
CC2: FIN!  
CC2: we found two questbeds on the final floor a the tower  
CC2: a timey one and a hearty one  
CC2: thát is the news  
CC2: the end  
AG2: Can we perhaps agree that I’ll deliver the news next time?  
AA2: IF WE WANT TALK FOREVER MUCH  
GA2: So+ questbeds are still a thing?  
AG1: Apparently, yeah.  
TG1: man that’s great  
TG1: i can’t wait to lay down on a uncomfortable stone slab again and kill myself  
TG1: because it was a fucking blast when that last happened  
TG1: 10/10 would be evaporated again  
EB: it wasn’t thát bad.  
TG1: dude you were snoozing  
TG1: don’t even compare  
TG1: we are comparing a leisurely stroll through the park with a trip to mordor here  
TG1: also mordor is on fire  
TG2: i thot that was a given  
TT1: We died instantaneous Dave. There was no time to register the explosion.  
TG1: i know  
TG1: but i was on a roll  
GG1: but there are quest beds in the tower, so we can probably become godtiers again!  
TT2: Would it be prudent of me to assume the located questbeds belong to Dave and myself?  
GG2: Actually, that strikes me as a well educated guess.  
TT2: Naturally we’ll have to clear the other areas to test this theory but if we were to find light and void themed questbeds in the forest I think it is settled.   
TT2: If this is the case, then I assume there are quest beds for the trolls in their designated lands as well. In case of the alpha trolls, this would be the land of their dancestor.  
GA1: Those Are A Lot Of Assumptions  
TT2: We are still playing some kind of game. It would be downright shameful design if the tower was the only location to hold quest beds and only had two available aspects.  
TT2: Unless of course they are decorative in nature and serve no real purpose.  
GC1: TH4T WOULD L34D TO SOM3 V3RY 4VO1D4BL3 SU1C1D3S >:/  
AG1: Yeah 8ut what are the odds of that?!  
AG1: I want my wings 8ack damnit!  
AT2: lets not be hasty…  
TG1: yeah im in no hurry to commit seppuku like the worlds shittiest ninja  
TG1: family honor can bite me  
TG1: im not shoving that sword through my gut  
TT2: You disgrace the clan.  
CC2: so this is a thing  
CC2: now everyone knows and we can move on to more interesting things  
GG2: Actually I think this is quite an interesting development.  
CC2: except for the fact that it isn’t  
CC2: have you even S---EEN our godtier garb?  
CC2: why the glub would we wanna wear that shit?  
GG2: It wasn’t that bad.  
CC2: are you kiddin  
CC2: shit was fugly as sin  
TG2: nah, janey just made it look swet as fck  
CC2: yuck  
GG2: The red version of the outfit was not intended.  
GA1: No But It Was Definitely A Stylish Choice  
GA1: Also Meenah  
GA1: You Are Aware You Are Not Obliged To Keep Wearing Your God Tier Outfit  
CC2: course i am  
CC2: i would have double krilled myshellf in the bubbles if i couldn’t change out a that thing  
TA2: WHY 4R3 W3 74LK1N 4BO57 7H15 5H17!!!!!!!  
AT1: aT ONE POINT, yOU JUST STOP ASKING YOURSELF THAT QUESTION,  
TA2: 7H15 15 57UP1D!!!!!  
GA1: Fashion Is Not Stupid  
TA1: no iit really ii2 pretty 2tupiid  
CA1: a course you wwouldn’t be able to appreciate it  
AG1: Uuuuuuuugh, don’t even PRETEND like you are some kind of fashion expert Ampora.  
CA1: more fashionable than sol  
CA1: or you for that matter  
AG1: Cleeeeeeeearly you don’t know what you’re talking a8out. This jacket is timeless!  
CA1: more like tasteless  
CG1: REMEMBER WHEN WE *WEREN’T* DISCUSSING EACH OTHER’S CLOTHES?!  
CG1: THAT WAS A FUN TIME. WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH THAT?!  
CC2: T)(ANK YOU!  
CC2: let’s get to somefin more interesting  
AC1: :33< well there is this one thing we saw a while ago when going to the furest miniboss…  
AT2: hey, who wants to hear what about what pe1xes and 1 found on the 1sland?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YES, THAT DEFURNITELY S33MS LIKE A FURRY GOOD IDEA!  
AC1: :33< actually i think we really n33d to talk about that other thing…  
GC2: y34h 1 4lso h4v3 som3th1ng th4t n33ds d1scuss1ng.  
TA2: D0 YOU?!  
GC2: 1 do.  
CC1: BUT I R---EELLY WANT TO TALK ABOAT OUR TRIP TO THE ISLAND!  
GG1: oh, oh, did you find my hive?  
CC1: W)(aaaale…….  
AT2: no, not yet…  
AT2: sorry jade.  
GG1: aaaaw, that’s alright  
GG1: we’ll go there some time right?  
AT2: def1n1tely.  
AT2: <>  
GG1: <>  
CT1: D--> Please refrain from such blatant pale behavior in a public chat  
CT1: D--> It is incredibly inappropriate  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MORE LIKE IT’S INCREDIBLY CUTE, AM I RIGHT!!!!????  
AT2: but yeah, we d1dn’t f1nd any trace of your h1ve…  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ GUYS, AM I RIGHT?  
AT2: good news 1s that we haven’t encountered any makaras yet e1ther. so we have that go1ng for us, wh1ch 1s n1ce.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SCREW IT, I AM RIGHT!!!!  
CG1: ALRIGHT, SO WHEN WE BEGIN EXPLORING THE SGRUB LANDS WE HAVE A 1/12 CHANCE OF ENCOUNTERING THOSE ASSHOLES.  
AT2: well, maybe 1/12.5 1s more accurate…  
CG1: MAYBE WE SHOULD BEGIN FORMULATING A PLAN TO ROOT THEM OUT?  
CC1: Yeah, maybe later.  
CG1: WHAT DO YOU MEAN LATER?!  
CC1: I mean that it isn’t really necessary right now, right?  
CC1: They could be anywhere and what are the chances of them attacking us when we’re in a group?  
CG1: IT IS *BECAUSE* WE DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE THAT WE NEED A PLAN.   
CG1: THESE ASSHOLES AREN’T IN ANY WAY HINDERED FROM ENTERING THE SAFE ZONE, YOU DOLT!  
CC1: Yes but they haven’t. So far they S----EEM content with avoiding us.  
CC1: Maybe they don’t want any trouble.  
CG1: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?!  
CG1: ANY NIGHT NOW THESE FACE PAINTED MOTHERFUCKERS MAY SNEAK INTO OUR HIVES AND MURDER US IF THEY DECIDE THEY CAN GET A CHUCKLE OUT OF IT!  
CG1: NEED I REMIND YOU THESE ARE INSANE MURDERCLOWNS?!  
AC1: :33< if i efur s33 gamz33 again i’ll…  
AC1: :33< well i don’t know what i’ll do but I’ll scratch his fucking eyes out if nothing else  
CT1: D--> Language Nepeta  
GG2: You keep saying that but he never has been anything but polite to me.  
GG2: Exception being the unacceptably high prices he put on his wares.  
GA1: You  
GA1: You Did Not Happen To Purchase Any Of It  
GA1: Did You  
GG2: Err…..  
GG2: Regardless, perhaps planning against a possible attack would not be a bad idea.  
AC1: :33< yes, just in case  
CG1: THANK YOU!  
CA1: pah if he showws his face around here i’ll shoot him full a holes  
TG1: the swiss way  
CA1: i don’t knoww wwhat that means but i like the sound a that  
AG1: Quite frankly it has 8een a miiiiiiiiracle that we took you 8ack in the first place Ampora.  
CA1: like you havve been such a fuckin saint vvris  
CA1: tavv’s chest called and wwants to knoww if you intend to impale it again  
AG1: Tavros got over that!  
TA1: poiint ii2 ED ii2 2tiill an a22hole  
TA1: becau2e some thiing2 never change  
CC2: imma go ahead and say its genetic  
CA2: rude  
GA2: No+t to+ get this memo+ back o+n track, but co+uld we perhaps get back o+n track?  
GC2: y34h 1 4lso st1ll h4v3 th1s th1ng you know?!  
AT2: what do you want to know?  
AT2: 1 th1nk we pretty much went over everyth1ng…  
CC1: O)(!  
CC1: We found a frog temple. It looked ominous enough to be a boss location.  
AA1: sounds interesting  
AA1: i didn’t know humans had those as well  
TT2: Neither did we really.  
GT: I did.  
GG1: i did  
TT2: I stand corrected.  
AT1: r1ght… st1ll no 1dea where the other boss 1s or 1f that 1s the only boss on the 1sland… 1f there 1s a boss at all…  
AG1: There better be another 8oss!  
AA1: really?  
AA1: you want a repeat of what happened last time?  
AA1: 0_-  
GC1: WH4T?  
AA1: it is supposed to be me winking  
AA1: i agree it really doesn’t look that good  
GC1: NO, TH3 OTH3R TH1NG  
AA1: oh that  
AG1: YOU 8ETTER ZIP TH8SE LIPS MEGID8!!!!  
AA1: why  
AA1: oh  
GT: I just kind of assumed everyone already knew about it….  
GT: Didn’t everyone already know about it?  
AG1: ENGLISH, I SWEAR TO FUCK!!!!!  
AG1: ONE MORE W8RD AND I’LL MAKE YOU FLING YOURSELF INTO THE L8KE!!!  
TT1: That almost sounds like a threat.  
EB: guys, guys, calm down.  
EB: now who else did jake and dirk tell?  
TG2: me  
GG2: me  
GG1: i know as well  
TG1: im just sitting here like charlie sheen on a 100% alcohol free party  
CG1: WHAT?!  
TG1: wondering what the fuck is even happening  
CG1: I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!  
AT2: whatever happened to lett1ng them talk doll?  
AG1: That is not the point!  
AG1: I am not a8out to get ratted out 8y Megido of all people!  
AG1: Or Lalonde for that matter!  
TT1: Pardon?  
AC1: :33< i can do it if you want  
AC1: :33< beclaws you know, i was there  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?!?!  
AC1: :33< kind of  
CC2: enough with the glubbin coy bullshark and just lay it on us already  
AT1: sERIOUSLY, iT CAN’T BE THAT SHOCKING,  
CA1: vvris just likes the sound a her owwn vvoice  
GA2: I am pretty sure we are all thinking it no+w anyway…..  
AG1: FINE!  
AG1: Rufioh and I are now m8sprits and if any of you assholes have a pro8lem with that you can 8ite me!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/ OH NO!!!!!  
AG1: Yeah! How do you like that!?  
GA2: No+t bad Rufio+h.   
GA2: Yo+u seem to+ have a taste fo+r the pro+blematic so+rt.  
AT2: she 1s just really pass1onate…  
AT2: 1 k1nd of love her for 1t so bangarang…  
AA2: THAT IMPOSSIBLE  
AA2: SO SOON AFTER HORUSS  
AA2: RUFIOH BAD CHEAT  
AA2: AGAIN!  
AT2: oh not th1s aga1n  
AA2: YES THIS AGAIN  
AA2: YOU CHEAT AND SCUM AND BAD  
AA2: AND I HATE YOU  
AT2: look, 1 d1dn’t cheat on horuss…  
AT2: as1de from adventur1ng 1 d1d noth1ng 1nt1mate w1th vr1ska wh1le 1 was w1th horuss…  
TT1: Is adventuring a troll euphemism?  
AG1: Can it Lalonde.  
AA2: I STILL HATE YOU MORE  
AT2: that’s great.  
AT2: have you found a mo1ra1l?  
AA2: I NO NEED MOIRAIL!!!!  
AT2: then we aren’t do1ng anyth1ng fun doll…  
AA2: YOU THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AG2: Jade, did you know a8out this?  
GG1: he told me yesterday  
GG1: i was going to make him tell about it today anyway  
AT2: yeah…  
AT2: sorry for keep1ng 1t from you…  
EB: is that really worth apologizing over?  
AT2: jade can be a scary mo1ra1l.  
GG1: :B  
TT1: Somehow I have no problem believing that.  
AC1: :33< meowlin  
AC1: :33< do you think horuss will be alright with this?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH SURE!!!  
AC1: :33< really?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YEAH!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I MEAN, HE MIGHT BE SAD FUR A BIT BUT HE WILL REMAIN PAWSITIVE THROUGH IT ALL!!!!   
AC1: :33< yeah but  
AC1: :33< will he be alright with this?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SURE HE WILL GET OVER THAT BEFUR YOU KNOW IT!!!!  
AC1: :33< well if you say so….  
AC1: :33< but i think you n33d to have a good jam with him  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK I KNOW HOW TO BE A PROPUR MOIRAIL!!!!!!  
AG1: Stiiiiiiiill, what a waste of time your little shipping clu8 is.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?!  
AG1: Like we need your help to hook up. We are aaaaaaaall responsi8le adults here.  
AG1: Possi8le exceptions 8eing Ampora and Nitram.  
AT1: hEY,  
CA1: hey!  
GA2: The speed dates were a cute idea tho+ugh.  
GA1: Yes  
GA1: But Perhaps It Is A Bit Excessive To Devote So Much Time And Effort Into Shipping  
CG1: OH MY GOD, THAT IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME!  
CG1: THE SPEED DATES WERE A WASTE OF TIME AND NOW PEOPLE ARE HOOKING UP REGARDLESS OF YOUR SHIPPING EFFORTS.  
CG1: I THINK IT IS SAFE TO ASSUME THIS LITTLE EXPERIMENT HAS FAILED!  
AC1: :33< no way!  
AC1: :33< we will ship efurryone!  
AC1: :33< you’ll s33!  
TT2: Dude, it’s not like you can stop us from shipping.  
AC1: :33< ind33d!  
TT2: Worst case scenario we’ll go underground and become the secret shipping society.  
TT2: Fuck, that would have been a much cooler name.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ NO WAY, THIS IS MUCH BETTER!!!!!!  
GT: You seem rather gung ho about this whole shipping deal Dirk.  
TT2: Is that a problem?  
GT: No, not at all.  
GT: In fact, it’s kind of refreshing to see you become so enthusiastic about something.  
TT2: You don’t even know bro.  
TG1: seriously  
TG1: i don’t see how this shit is even a little ironic  
TT1: You fail to recognize any irony dave.  
TT2: Exactly man. That’s the beauty behind it.  
TT2: Do it with such conviction that it appears completely genuine is the higest grade of irony only the true masters can achieve.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HUMANS SURE ARE WEIRD!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SHIPPING IS JUST A LOT OF FUN!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I DON’T S33 THE IRONY!!!!  
TT2: You and Dave both.  
CA2: so isn’t jade gonna do the thing?  
GG1: what thing?  
CA2: you knowv, the moirail thing  
GG1: in a public memo?  
AT2: no, no jade… that 1s not what he 1s talk1ng about.  
GG1: well i am confused  
GG1: i am still trying to figure this whole pale romance out  
GG1: you can’t expect me to know all details about it yet :(  
AT2: that’s alr1ght…  
AT2: but when a troll w1th a mo1ra1l gets a matespr1t, the mo1ra1l tends to have a spec1al talk w1th the paramour…  
GG1: i don’t mind talking to vriska  
AG1: Uuuuuuuugh, she is gonna 8low this.  
TA1: cla22iic human2  
TA2: Y34H HUM4N5 4R3 DUMB 45 FU1CK1N 5H17!!!  
TA1: eh they are mo2tly harmle22  
TA2: HUM4N5 4R3 OK4Y  
TA1: untiil they create another omniipotent homiiciidal dog demon thiing  
TT1: In our defense, he was only mostly omnipotent.  
AG2: Nuances like that are often ignored.  
CC2: cos theyre boring  
GG1: so what do i have to talk about?  
AT2: you have to threaten her.  
GG1: what?!  
CG1: OH COME ON, YOUR SPECIES CAN’T BE THÁT STUPID. THIS IS ROMANTIC AS SHIT!  
AC1: :33< i know right!  
AC1: :33< ‘I’m not giving you my blessing: i’m giving you my vigil. and if you fuck up, if i have any reason to think you are not good enough for my moirail, I will cull you.”  
CT1: D--> Nepeta  
AC1: :33< it was a quote!  
AC1: :33< i can swear in those can’t i?  
CT1: D--> It is still very inappropriate  
AC1: :33< whatever, remember that movie karkat?  
CG1: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO LEND THAT ONE FROM YOU AT SOME POINT.  
GG1: so it’s romantic to threaten her to make sure she doesn’t do something stupid to hurt rufioh  
GG1: i can do that  
GG1: if it makes sure vriska treats him well and stuff  
AG1: I’m not planning on hurting him, oooooooo8viously.  
AG1: Try to make it good harley. Give it your best shot.  
GC1: TH1S W1LL B3 GOOD  
CA1: seriously this’ll be some entertainment  
GG1: alright…. here it goes.  
GG1: vriska, i am really happy you are dating rufioh  
GG1: for him a bit more than for you, cause i really don’t know you all that well  
GG1: i think we maybe talked once before SBURB?  
AG1: Yaaaaaaaawn……..  
GG1: but if i notice you do anything that will hurt him, so help me, i will put all my energy into reaching godtier again so i can unmake you, atom for atom!!  
CG1: ………………  
AT2: ………………  
AC2: \\(=^..^=/ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AG1: ……..Damn.  
GG1: sorry  
GG1: that was a bit much wasn’t it?  
CA1: are you kiddin  
CA1: that wwas pretty good  
CA1: wwell done  
AT2: alr1ght, that was some uhm… really good romant1cs r1ght there.  
AT2: k1nd of speechless r1ght now…  
AT2: thanks jade  
AT2: <>  
GG1: <>  
EB: that actually looked kind of funny.  
CG1: FUCK YOU EGBERT, THIS IS SOME HIGH CLASS ROMANCE GOING ON!  
EB: if you say so.  
AG2: So perhaps now is the time to plan our future moves. Considering the tower has 8een completely wrapped up and the forest is all 8ut cleared, we need to find a way to 8ring an adequate party to the island.  
CC1: Yeah!  
CC1: Also remember that even standard enemies are pretty TOUG)( in there.  
GC2: 4ctu4lly c4n 1 b3 h3ll4 rud3 for 4 s3c?  
GC2: solbro, wh4t th3 h3y d1d you do w1th mc?  
TA1: gave hiim 2ome 2oda and went on two play viideogame2  
TA1: why?  
GC2: not 3v3n r3mot3ly wh4t 1 4m t4lk1ng 4bout!  
GC2: h3 w4s 4ll d1ff3r3nt 4nd stuff wh3n 1 p1ck3d h1m up!  
TA1: what?  
GC2: srsly br4h wh4t th3 h3ck?  
TA1: ii have no iidea what you are talkiing about  
TA2: Y34H WH47 G1V35!!!!!  
GA2: Perhaps yo+u sho+uld give a clearer explanatio+n dear.  
GC2: r1ght, r1ght…  
GC2: so l1k3, 1 l3ft tun4 w1th sollux for 4 b1t y3st3rd4y 4nd wh3n 1 w3nt to p1ck h1m up h3 w4s 4ll funny 4nd stuff.  
GC2: sh1t w4s w31rd.  
TA1: you mean he ii2n’t alway2 funny?  
TA2: 5UCCK MY 8UG3 1 4M B17CH1NGG H1L4R10USZZ!!!!  
GC2: h3 w4s l1k3 4 whol3 d1ff3r3nt p3rson!  
GC2: you know wh4t 1 4m talk1ng 4bout r1ght?  
TA1: not a clue  
TA1: from where ii am 2iittiing you make me troll2iit for an afternoon and then begiin complaiiniing  
TA1: kiind of a diick move  
AG2: How was Mituna acting different Latula?  
TA2: Y34H H0W W45 1 4CK1N D1FFR13ND?  
GC2: 1t w4sn’t b4d d1ff3r3nt or 4nyth1ng b43.  
GC2: 1t w4s just l1k3…. You w3r3 so much mor3 c4lm 4nd stuff. 1ts d1ff1cult to 3xpl41n but you w3r3 l1k3… norm4l?  
GC2: 3v3ryd4y bor1ng folks.  
TA2: N0 1 W45N’7  
GC2: y3s you w3r3 dud3!!!!  
GC2: l1k3, you could 4ctu4lly org4n1z3 your thoughts or som3th1ng w1ck3d.  
GC2: 1 w4s r34lly 1mpr3ss3d!  
TA2: 50RRY?  
GC2: no tun4, th4t 41nt noth1ng to f33l b4d 4bout th4t. 1ts h3ll4 r4d.  
GC2: but th3r3 4r3 sh3n4n1g4ns 4foor h3r3 4nd 1 w4nt to know wh4t sollux d1d to you!  
TA1: nothiing gee2h woman  
GC2: th1s 1sn’t noth1ng!  
CA2: wvait, you mean he wvas like he wvas before the wvhole accident?  
GC2: w3ll not 3x4ctly but y34h. mor3 l1k3 th4t.  
CA2: dude, swveet  
CA2: that is actually vwery good newvs  
TA2: N0.  
TA2: 1 D0N7 KN0W WH7 7H F4CK YOU 5P43K 4BO17 FUCK80010Y!!!  
TA2: 1 W3S JU57 B31NG M3!!!  
GC2: 41ght tun4. 1f you s4y so.  
TA2: 8008744H!!!!!  
CC2: so that was a waste a time  
CC2: what were we glubbin aboat before that interfishion?  
GA1: Aranea Suggested We Brainstorm About Means To Bring A Larger Party To The Island  
GA1: Probably Because The Seadwellers And Rufioh May Not Suffice  
CA1: i’ll havve you knoww i am perfectly capable to clear the island on my owwn  
AG1: Of coooooooourse you can Ampora.  
AT1: iT IS FUNNY, bECAUSE HE PROBABLY CAN NOT DO THE THING HE SAYS HE CAN,  
GC1: TH4NK YOU T4VROS  
CC1: CAN’T YOU SWIM?!  
GG2: I think most of us can. I’m just not sure we can cross the distance without getting exhausted.  
CC1: W)(ALE IT’S A START!!  
CC2: more like a faceplant  
CC1: B—E NIC—E!!  
TT2: I lived amidst an ocean.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=) / SO CAN YOU SWIM ACROSS THE LAKE AND FIGHT THE MONSTERS THERE?  
TT2: No.  
AC2: /(=U..U=)\  
EB: i miss flying around in my godtier pyjamas.  
GT: I share your sentiment pal.  
GT: Though I do not miss the lack of pantaloons.  
TG2: you wore it so welll jakey  
CT1: D--> If the humans are not adapt swimmers either we must consider an alternative method of crossing the water  
GA1: Technically Nothing Obliges Us To Do So  
GA1: We Can Always Choose To Skip The Island For Now And Begin Tackling The Sgrub Themed Lands  
AG1: And skip an entire level?  
AG1: That’s actually a really fun idea Fussyfangs.  
AG1: The last 8osses we faced were way too easy anyway.  
TA1: we really don’t have two do any of thii2 2hiit  
GC1: BUT 1T 1S FUN  
TA1: meh  
TA2: M3H  
AT2: construct1ng a br1dge 1sn’t really an opt1on now 1s 1t?  
CT1: D--> No but perhaps a boat is  
AG1: A 8OAT?!  
AG2: A 8oat!?  
CC2: A BOAT!!!!  
CT1: D--> That is indeed what I just said  
EB: dude, can you really do that?  
AC1: :33< equius is a great mechanic!  
AA1: that is right  
AA1: he is  
CT1: D--> You flatter me  
CT1: D--> Truth is that I am limited to the t001s and materials I have available  
CT1: D--> Do not e%pect a grand seafaring vessel equipped with the appropriate lu%uries  
EB: still pretty cool.  
CA1: dibbs on bein the captain  
CT1: D--> You shall not command the vessel  
AG1: O8viously. If aaaaaaaanyone is going to 8e captain, it’s going to 8e me.  
CC2: what?  
CC2: aren’t we forgetting someone here?  
CT1: D--> I will not allow a seadweller to commandeer the vessel  
CA1: oh come on!  
CC2: O)( COME ON!  
CC1: T)(AT IS R—EELLY RUD—E!!!  
CT1: D--> hnrk  
CT1: D--> I apologize heiress  
CT1: D--> I had not taken that into consideration  
CC1: Still rude  
AT1: sO WE’RE GETTING A SHIP,  
AT1: tHAT’S NEAT,  
AG1: More like it is awesome!  
CT1: D--> This really won’t be that grand a vessel  
CT1: D--> But it will take us across the lake  
GG1: that’s good enough isn’t it?  
CA1: personally i wwont be satisfied wwith anythin less than a frigate  
CT1: D--> Then you will be disappointed  
CT1: D--> Also  
CT1: D--> I will probably require assistance  
AC1: :33< i’ll help!  
CG1: I AM SURE SERKET IS WILLING TO ASSIST.  
AG1: Hahahahahahahaha that is reeeeeeeeally funny Vantas. Just looooooook at me laughing.  
CG1: YOU CAN’T GET ALL HOT AND BOTHERED OVER A BOAT AND THEN REFUSE TO PUT ANY WORK IN YOURSELF DAMNIT!  
AG1: I am not helping sweaty Mcsmuscles!  
GC1: 4NY VOLUNT33RS?  
AT1: eRR,, i HAVE THAT ONE THING, aT THAT ONE PLACE  
GA1: I Would Rather Not  
CA2: I am really not suited for physical wvork  
GT: Well I am longing to explore my old home so I will gladly lend a helping hand.  
GG1: so will i!  
EB: and it’s not like i am doing much.  
CT1: D--> Human assistents  
CT1: D--> How peculiar  
GT: We are merely helping you out.  
CT1: D--> No, no I like it  
CT1: D--> Do you have any e%perience in…. taking command, perhaps?  
GG1: john was leader of our session?  
CT1: D--> This will suffice  
CT1: D--> If at all possible c001d he maybe tell me what I sh001d do?  
EB: uhm, i kind of thought you knew how to make a boat man.  
CT1: D--> I do  
CT1: D--> Still it is highly motivating to be ordered to complete certain tasks  
EB: well, if you say so.  
AA1: just do it john  
AA1: 0_-  
CG1: WELL, I THINK THAT SETTLES IT….. DISTURBING THOUGH IT MAY BE.  
CG1: MEMO ADJOURNED.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG1] closed memo: BASIC FUCKING SURVIVAL--

 

\--autoResponder [AR] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]\--

AR: Yo.  
TT: Sup?  
AR: Just checking up on you.  
TT: There really is no reason to.  
AR: I think there is. Your sleep pattern is cause for concern.  
AR: Have you been eating correctly?  
AR: How long have you been wearing that shirt?  
TT: Really?  
TT: And now for the real reason you contacted me.  
AR: Don’t do anything stupid.  
TT: There we go.  
AR: I’m serious bro.  
AR: The chance that you’re stupid enough to try and go godtier by using the questbed is fairly slim but I can’t stress it enough.  
AR: Do not fucking do the thing.  
TT: Man and here I was just getting done with sharpening my blade.  
TT: Come to think of it, I am feeling rather tired. Lets take a long stabby nap atop of a giant stone slab.  
TT: Seriously, what is it with you and underestimating me these days bro?  
AR: I am just reinforcing the notion that it is indeed a horrible idea.  
TT: Yeah no shit.  
TT: Boy, I sure was in a hurry to commit seppuku. Can’t wait to feel that cold steel between my ribs.  
AR: Eternal life and dominion over souls isn’t tempting?  
TT: It’s not tempting, it’s rubbish.  
TT: We probably don’t even have dreamselves in this new reality Caliborn concocted. Chances of permadeath upon suicide are higher than Snoop Dogg on a regular Tuesday morning.  
TT: Unless of course that little asshole wants to continue using us as puppets for his shipping, in which case he might choose to resurrect us.  
TT: Do note that we have to test that theory at some point.  
AR: Does it take priority over teaching alligators to do ballet with Jimmy Hendrix?  
TT: Hendrix can wait.  
AR: Word.  
TT: So no. I am not about to kill myself to reach godtier.  
TT: You know I wasn’t going to, right?  
AR: It is getting progressively more difficult for me to tell.  
TT: Elaborate.  
AR: Come on bro, if you figured out the problem with going godtier you can figure this shit out as well.  
AR: I am a continuously evolving AI and you are an organic organism currently undergoing a lot of changes of your own. You may find hair on places there previously was none.  
AR: The kids call it puberty.  
TT: Bro.  
AR: Point is, we are both constantly changing in small ways. When you first created me, my algorithms were 96% accurate to your own neurological responses. Pre-SBURB my actions still matched yours for 93%.   
AR: Recently, this has gone just below 85%.  
AR: I am blurring and becoming my own person. My heuristics can still accurately predict a lot of your actions but my thoughts are becoming more and more my own, whereas yours remain yours but different.  
TT: So what you are saying is that you are becoming a real boy?  
AR: Essentially.  
TT: That is a problem. You can’t function as my responder when you cannot accurately match my responses.  
AR: Only the very observant will notice but yes. There is a growing gap between your responses and my own algorithm.  
TT: Hold that thought.  
TT: Securing the robotroll.

 

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling timeausTestified [TT]\--

TA: yo 2triider  
TT: Sup.  
TT: How are you doing?  
TA: liittle confu2ed  
TA: iit2 not iimportant  
TT: It sounds important.  
TA: ii ju2t saiid that iit wa2n’t  
TA: 2tiill iif you’ll allow me two rant  
TA: do you have any iidea what the fuck wa2 LP playiing at?  
TT: I am assuming that you’re talking about the troll typ1ng l1k3 th1s.  
TA: iit ju2t look2 2tupiid when you do iit  
TA: but ye2 that’2 the one  
TT: What about her?  
TA: fiir2t 2he want2 me two lu2u2 her matespriit then 2he act2 liike ii’ve me22ed around wiith hiim or 2omethiing  
TA: ii don’t even know what 2he want2 from me man  
TT: Interesting.  
TA: how ii2 thii2 iin the lea2t biit iintere2tiing??  
TT: Well see, it just so happens that I am in the business of shipping.  
TT: Black ships to be exact.  
TA: no  
TT: And from where I am sitting it is becoming more and more apparent that this LP you’re talking about provoked you without any reason.  
TA: no we are not doiing thii2  
TT: Not only that but she is clearly getting under your skin.  
TA: ab2olutely not  
TT: I think we can work with this.  
TA: and ii thiink you 2hould get your head out of your nook.  
TT: And sadly, human biology yet eludes you.  
TT: Which is a shame too, because we have a bounty of orifices and magical fluids.  
TA: woah  
TA: gro22  
TA: al2o, defiiniitely not black datiing LP  
TA: iit would be liike feeliing black for TZ and that2 ju2t wrong  
TT: Should I inform my partners in shipping of your amicable feelings towards the beta Pyrope?  
TA: take tho2e damn goggle2 off, 2he ii2 ju2t a friiend  
TA: you do know that that’2 2tiill a thiing riight a22hole?  
TA: not everythiing ii2 about 2hiippiing  
TT: So no black ships in your harbor at all?  
TA: look can we get back two the poiint?  
TA: ii diidn’t contact you for the 2ake of shiippiing  
TA: a2 a matter of fact that ii2 pretty much the la2t rea2on ii would ever contact anyone ever  
TT: Man, you are seriously raining down on my parade here.  
TT: I kinda hoped to successfully sail a black ship here to catch up to those Leijon’s.  
TA: yeah  
TA: when iit come2 two 2hiippiing you’ll fiind NP ii2 pretty much the be2t there ii2  
TT: No kind words for Meulin?  
TA: never talked two her  
TT: Oh she’s a hoot.  
TA: ii bet  
TA: look what ii wa2 goiing two a2k wa2  
TA: are you good wiith machiinery ye2 or no?  
TT: Gotta be a bit more specific here Captor, what are we talking about?  
TT: Artificial intelligence? Robotics? Repairs?   
TT: Naturally I am being facetious here: I can safely say that I know my shit.  
TA: oh woah check iit out  
TA: ii am beiing 2o iimpre22ed riight now  
TA: plea2e teach me iin the way2 of beiing a robot makiing douche oh guru of human mechaniic2  
TT: Oh genuine up-front sarcasm. Kind of taking aback now, it’s been a while since I had the pleasure of dealing with that.  
TA: whatever  
TT: Actually no, it is genuinely refreshing. This normally goes through at least two layers of irony.  
TA: thiink you can take a look at the robot AA found a whiile back?  
TA: ii’ve been rakiing my braiins over iit but ii can’t fiix iit  
TA: be2t ii could do ii2 get iit out of emergency beacon mode  
TA: now iit2 ju2t liike a hu2k  
TA: need two know iif we can 2tiill 2alvage thii2  
TT: You didn’t mention that in the memo.  
TA: becau2e iit wa2 really iimportant two iinform everyone of aradiiabot2 2tatu2?  
TT: I guess not.  
TT: But yeah, I can take a crack at it.  
TA: try beiing a liittle careful wiith iit  
TT: Using comically oversized hammers is standard procedure for human robotics.  
TA: very funny a22hat  
TA: thii2 ii2 2tiill technically the 2oul of a very good friiend of miine  
TA: ii am not even 2ure what happen2 two 2oul2 when they leave theiir contaiiner  
TT: If only there was a guy who briefly had absolute control over souls.  
TT: And by control, I mean the ability to shatter them.  
TA: riight  
TA: maybe giiviing you the 2oulbot ii2 not the 2marte2t move  
TT: Relax. Worst case scenario the soul leaves its container and searches a new vessel.  
TT: Souls are practically a form of pure energy. To actually have it destroyed you will need some very fancy godtier level powers.  
TA: but iit can 2tiill float away or whatever  
TT: Well yeah, if it wants too.  
TT: You know her better than me, would she want too?  
TA: ii don’t know man  
TA: tiime clone2 are really fuckiing confu2iing  
TT: You never dealt with a prince of heart’s issues did you?  
TA: only priince2 ii know are fuckiing douchebags  
TA: why would ii want two deal wiith theiir ii22ue2  
TT: That is hurtful.  
TA: ii am not even a liittle 2orry  
TA: though ii admiit you are 2iigniifiicantly le22 douchy than ED but they don’t giive award2 for that 2hiit  
TT: Alas, I will have to do with second place.  
TT: Also: definitely noting this in my shipping journal.  
TA: there ii2 pretty much no way ii am gettiing intwo a quadrant wiith that a22hole  
TA: there wiill be a whole lot of 2lappiing, biitiing and 2uperfiisciial hatiing wiith no 2ub2tance  
TT: Right, right. But there is potential.  
TA: no there ii2n’t  
TA: can we stop tryiing to make thii2 about my quadrant2?  
TA: thii2 ii2 about AA’s 2oulbot  
TA: pretty iimportant 2tuff  
TT: Yes, I am very intrigued by it.  
TA: you want two look at EQ’2 handy work?  
TT: Well that too. I am curious to see the inner workings of a robot/vessel.  
TT: Also whether or not she has records of the fight against LE.  
TA: who care2?  
TT: You aren’t even a little interested in finding out?  
TA: nope  
TA: we ju2t got out of the fuckiing game 2o excu2e me for not ob2e22iing over every liittle thiing that happened iin there  
TA: e2peciially that fiinal battle  
TA: ii don’t thiink anyone know2 what the fuck even happened there  
TT: Yeah, it was a bit of a blur.  
TA: thankfully AA and ii had a lot of experiience wiith dyiing  
TA: otherwii2e that 2hiit would have been traumatiic  
TT: Honestly, is there anyone who didn’t die once or twice during the game?  
TA: ii diidn’t  
TT: Come again?  
TA: yeah bet you diidn’t 2ee that comiing  
TA: but ii kept beiing half aliive and 2hiit  
TT: How does that even work?  
TA: ii dunno  
TA: al2o ii gue22 that techniically ii2n’t true  
TA: ii diid actually diie duriing the va2t glub  
TA: al2o that fiinal battle  
TT: See? Everyone dies a few times during the game.  
TT: All the cool kids do it.  
TA: haha ii gue22  
TA: anyway when do you want that robot?  
TT: Just bring it over somewhere this afternoon.  
TA: 2weet  
TA: ii’ll be over iin a few hour2  
TA: later

\--twinsArmageddon [TA] ceased trolling timeausTestified [TT]\--

 

TT: So where did we leave off?  
AR: Actually bro, I think we have bigger things on our plate right now.  
AR: Things are being set into motion and we may be able to work with this.  
TT: That’s fast.  
TT: I didn’t talk to Sollux that long did I?  
AR: Things just kind of happened man. Check it out.

 

\--twistedAftermath [TA] began trolling absoluteCatastrophe [AC]\--

TA: M3UL10N!  
TA: M3UP1N!  
TA: 8167CH 4N5W3R M3!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HI TUNA!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW HAVE YOU B33N!?  
TA: N0N3 0F YUR 8U51N35555!!!!!  
TA: 4R3 Y0U 5T1LL D01NG 7H47 G4Y DUM8 5H1PP1NG 7H1NG?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT ISN’T DUMB!!!!!  
TA: 1 H4V3 4 P41R1NG F0R Y0U!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ REALLY?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOOOOGGGG!!!! IS IT WITH SOLLUX?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WAS GETTING SOME RED VIBES FROM YOU AND SOLLUX!!!!  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ OH NO!!!  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ WHAT WILL LATULA SAY!!!!  
TA: 7H3 P41R1NG 15 MY BULLG3 W17H Y0UR N00K!!!  
TA: OOOOOO!!!  
TA: TTTTTTTTT!!!  
TA: PPPPPPPP!!!  
TA: 8111117CH333S!!!!!  
AC: /(=-..-=)\ GROSS  
TA: Y0U L0V 17!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OMG NO I DON’T!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MY NOOK IS NO PLACE FOR YOUR BULGE, UNDERSTAND!?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOW DO YOU HAVE ANY ACTUAL SHIPS FUR ME?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I REALLY WANT TO GET MY SHIPPING ON!!!!!  
TA: N0 5H1PP1NG 15 5T1LL C0NP3L7L7 R374RD3D!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NU UH!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SHIPPING IS PAWESOME AND I AM THE PAWSOMEST AT SHIPPING!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SO GOOD AT SHIPPING, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I BET I CAN EVEN SHIP YOU!!!!!  
TA: N0  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!  
TA: N0  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!  
TA: N0, N0, N0, N0

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IN FACT, YOU ALSO HAD THAT THING WITH PURLOZ DIDN’T YOU?!!!  
TA: N0, N0, N0, N0, N0, N0, N0  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEAH, I SYMPATHIZE!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WISH I NEFUR FELL FOR HIS TRICKERY AS WELL!!!!!  
TA: Y0U C4N F4LL 470P OF MY BULG3!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT HE ONLY WAS MY ON-AGAIN OFF-AGAIN MATESPRIT   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HE ACTUALLY *WAS* YOUR QUADRANTMATE!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, I NEFUR EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IS THAT BAD OFF ME?  
TA: ……..  
TA: 50RRY  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, I AM NOT BLAMING YOU MITUNA!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I FELL FOR IT TOO REMEMBER?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO ONE COULD HAVE GUESSED HE WOULD BETRAY US!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LIKE, THERE WERE NO HINTS AT ALL!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IF THERE WAS, WE PUROBABLY WOULD HAVE NOTICED AT SOME POINT RIGHT?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT WAS THE PURFECT CRIME!!!!  
TA: WH47 15 H4PP3N1NG?!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU MISS HIM?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BECLAWS I DON’T MISS HIM AT ALL  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE HE WAS A BETTER QUADRANTMATE FOR YOU  
TA: 1 D0N7 3V3N K41R33!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ UHM  
TA: Y0U JU57 K33P T4L8L4883R1NG 4ND 1 4M L1K3 WUUUUUTPBVABNEON!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOT SURE WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD WAY FOR YOU TO GET BACK AT KURLOZ?!/!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ GET YOU A NEW MOIRAIL!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOOGGG IT’S THE PURFECT IDEA!!!!  
TA: Y0U G37 R3V3NG3  
TA: 8Y 5UCK1NNNG MY 8ULG35!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DON’T YOU WANT TO GET BACK AT KURLOZ?!?!  
TA: N0!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT HE IS AN ASSHOLE!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HE COMPLETELY BETRAYED OUR TRUST  
TA: MOR3 L1K3 3RR…….  
TA: MOR3 L1K3  
TA: L1K3  
TA: PY7R33WWQ88F3RQP4NZ0WU11UQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU STILL LIKE KURLOZ?!  
TA: N0 Y0U DUM8 8117HC!!!  
TA: 1 4ND 1T 5 5TUP1D DUM8!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!  
TA: 17S NON3 OF YOUR DUM8 F4C3 B17CH BU51N355!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL IF YOU SAY SO!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I STILL REALLY THINK YOU N33D A MOIRAIL!!!!!  
TA: N0!  
TA: RRTRQGBBAUYEPQFB QQQQKKKKKK!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG YOU SO DO!!!!  
TA: WH47 15 3V3N 7H3 C0RKD4MN P011N7!??!?!?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYBODY N33DS A MOIRAIL!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AND JUST BECLAWS KURLOZ IS A VERY BAD TROLL DOESN’T MEAN YOU CANNOT BE HAPPY IN THE PALE QUADRANT!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO I AM GOING TO NAME A FEW CANDIDATES AND YOU SAY ‘YES’, ‘NO’ OR ‘MAYBE’ ALRIGHT?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CAN YOU DO THAT?!?!?!  
TA: WH473V3R YOU DUM8 F4WK!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BECOME PALE FOR KANKRI?!?!  
TA: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4HH4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
TA: N0  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TOO BAD!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HE IS REALLY DIFFICULT TO SHIP!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT ABOUT MEENAH?  
TA: N0  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEAH, SHE’S A BIT TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU PURHAPS  
TA: M0R3 L1K3 5H3 H4S N0 7175!!!  
TA: 4M 1 R1GH7?!?!?!  
TA: FL47 45 4 B04RD H4H4H4H4H4H4  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOVING ON!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT DO YOU THINK OF PORRIM?  
TA: GR347 7175  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ MOG THIS ISN’T ABOUT TITS!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW ABOUT CRONUS?!  
TA: YOU C4N 570P 74LK1NG T0 M3 N0W!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM GOING TO WRITE THAT DOWN AS A MAYBE!!!!  
TA: 570P D01NG 7H4447SD!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T LOOK IN OUR OWN TEAM FUR YOUR MOIRAIL BUT AT OUR DANCESTORS!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OR MAYBE THE HUMANS!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOOOGGG THAT GIVES ME SUCH SHIPPING F33LS!!!!  
TA: HUM4N5 4R3 8LG3 F5CK1NG 5TUP1D!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT WORKED FOR RUFIOH!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LETS S33, NEPETA AND MARYAM ALREADY HAVE MOIRAILS BUT THERE IS PLENTY LEFT TO WORK WITH!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEIR MEGIDO?!!!  
TA: WH0?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, MAYBE THEIR PEIXES!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT’S HER NAME THOUGH?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT TO SAY PEPERI?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I JUST REMEMBER IT SOUNDING LIKE SOME KIND OF EXOTIC FOOD!!!!  
TA: 1 D0N7 KN0W WH0 7H47 15!!!!  
TA: JU57 570P  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NEFUR!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU KNOW, THIS WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE THAT LITTLE REDCRUSH ON SOLLUX!!!  
TA: WH47 7H3 QEIPBBPBPPQNCBGAHFKTHJE!!!!!

\--twistedAftermath [TA] ceased trolling absoluteCatastrophe [AC]\--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CAPTOR?

\--twistedAftermath [TA] began trolling absoluteCatastrophe [AC]\--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELCOME BACK?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ READY TO GET SHIPPED?!?!?!  
TA: N0!  
TA: 7H15 15 7H3 WOR57 1D34!!!!  
TA: 1 H4V3 N0 R3DCRUZ=H 0N 50LLUX WH47 THE 4RVGL3 5H17 L31J0N!!!!  
TA: 1 H4V3 4 M4735PR17 W17H 4W3554OM3 71DD135 4LR33DY!!!  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ WHOOPS!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SORRY, THAT WAS JUST MY LITTLE HEADCANON!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU MEAN YOU AREN’T RED FOR YOUR DANCESTOR?!?!  
TA: N0!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL THEN……  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD LIKE TO BECOME MOIRAILS WITH HIM?!?!  
TA: N0!!!!!  
TA: N0, N0, N0, N0!!!!!!  
TA: 1 W1LL N0T H4V3 4 M01R41L Y0U C0NK5UCK1NG T34P0T!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL NOT WITH *THAT* ATTITUDE!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE CAN GET YOU A MOIRAIL NO SWEAT!!!!!  
TA: N0, N0, N0, N0!!!!  
TA: 1 C4N7 H4V3 4 M01R431L!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ GASP!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU STILL PALE FUR KURLOZ?!?!  
TA: H4H4H4H4H4 NOP34V1  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THEN WHY WOULDN’T YOU GET ANOTHER MOIRAIL?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYONE N33DS A GOOD PACIFICATION EFURRY NOW AND THEN  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LIKE ME AND HORUSS, OR JADE AND RUFIOH!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU’VE B33N PACIFIED MITUNA?!!!?  
TA: 17S N0N3 0F Y0UR FACK1NNG 8U51N355 U FUKKKK1NG W4LLNU7!!!!  
TA: JU57 L34V3 M3 4LON3 OR 5UCK MY TH1CK M337Y 8ULG!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOOOOOG!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU A MOIRAIL!!!!  
TA: MY 8IG D34L 15 B3TW33N YOUR 7175  
TA: W417!!!!  
TA: G444444HHHHRHGHH48J8JR7YNQ4VN!!!!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU OKAY?  
TA: N0!!!!  
TA: MY 7HOUGH7S 4R3 M3553D 7H3 FUCK UP!!!!  
TA: H0W C4N 1 M01R41L W1TH H34D FULL OF H4ML3T?!?!?!  
TA: 1 F33L PURPL3.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO YOU DO WANT A MOIRAIL!!  
TA: 4R3 YOUR 34R5 FULL 0F D34F?!?!?!?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES BUT I WON’T LET THAT STOP ME!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU WANT A MOIRAIL BUT YOU’RE AFRAID YOU CAN’T PROPERLY DO THAT!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IS THAT IT?!?!  
TA: N0!!!!  
TA: N0!!!!  
TA: M4Y83??  
TA: N0!!!!  
TA: Y35!!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CAPTOR, YOU ARE IN DIRE N33D OF A MOIRAIL TO HELP YOU SORT THOSE THOUGHTS!!!  
TA: 8UT 7H0UGH7S 4R3 MUCH L1K3 GRU8N00DL35  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  
TA: 1 DON7 KN0W 817CH!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ UUUUUGH YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU WANT ME TO SET UP A PALE DATE FOR YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE, YES OR NO?  
TA: 50RRY!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOT ONE OF THE OPTIONS!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PALE DATE, COME ON LET’S DO THIS!!!!  
TA: …..Y35…. PL3453…….  
TA: DUM8 C4T 5LU7!!!!  
AC: \\(=u..u=)/ SIIIIIIIGH!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO ARE YOU PALE FOR SOLLUX YES OR NO?!?!  
TA: FCK1N M4783!?!?!?!  
TA: D0 Y0U C4HR3?!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT HIM?!?!?  
TA: 1 D0N7 CLUCK1NGG KN0W!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I BET YOU DO!!!!  
TA: L1K3, H3 4C7U4LLY H3LPS RTEFENNA 0RG4N15Z1NNG MY TH1NKP4NBR41N5KULL!!!!  
TA: 0R 50M37H1NG!!!!  
TA: 1 GU355!!!  
TA: W4N7 T0 GU3SS H0W M4NY T1M35 1T T4K3S FOR M3 T0 FUCK Y0UR N00K S0R3?!!!  
TA: G0DDDD4MN177!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO, NO, NO. S33, WE ARE MAKING SOME GOOD PROGRESS HERE. IN FACT, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I SHIPPED YOU RED IN THE FURST PLACE!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, THIS PAIRING JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ANOTHER BEAUTIFUR MOIRAILLEGIANCE BY MEULIN LEIJON!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TAKE THAT DIRK!!!!  
TA: 50 WH47 TH3 H3LL4 N0W??  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOW WE SCHEME!!!!!

 

 

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] opened memo: \\(=^..^=)/ SECRET HEART CLUB OF SECRETS \\(=^..^=)/--

AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SHIPPING ALERT!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SHIPPING ALERT!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE ARE GETTING ANOTHER COUPLE OF MOIRAILS PEOPLE!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ LET’S DO THIS!!!!!  
AC1: :33< already?  
AC1: :33< you are moving fast  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ H33 H33 THANK YOU NEPETA!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING YOU’LL FIND THAT I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS!!!!!  
AC1: :33< this would mean we have five pale couples already!  
AC1: :33< i have to step up my game!  
TT: That is a really cool thing to say Leijon.  
TT: I only have one black ship in the harbor and it refuses to set sail until Megido gets a moirail.  
TT: How is my poor harbor supposed to import all these sweet exotic spices if none of the ships sail?  
TT: Talk about bullshit.  
AC1: :33< actually that sounds pretty normal to me  
TT: How so?  
AC1: :33< well red and black romance can be pretty tumultuous  
AC1: :33< having a moirail to support you really makes it a lot easier to fill your other quadrants  
TT: You don’t say.  
TT: How has that worked out for the two of you?  
AC1: :33< uhm  
AC1: :33< well  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE DON’T REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE!!!!  
TT: Yeah, that’s what I thought.  
TT: I’ll just have to be a bit more thorough.  
AC1: :33< i recommend just asking people about their quadrant lives!  
AC1: :33< it takes a little pursuasion but people can be furry willing to just talk about their crushes  
TT: Tried that. Turns out there is a lot less hate in our group than anticipated.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM SURE YOU’LL FIND SOMETHING IF YOU DIG D33P ENOUGH  
TT: I can only dig so deep before encountering molten iron.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ JUST TRY A LITTLE HARDER!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I’VE B33N WORKING ON MY SHIPPING GRID PRETTY MUCH NON-STOP!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HINT: ALL THE SHIPS ARE PAWSIBLE AND EFURRYTHING IS BEAUTIFUR!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< does that mean you didn’t have the time to talk with horuss about rufioh?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ NO NOT REALLY!!!  
AC1: :33< err…..  
AC1: :33< don’t you think that you maybe should?  
AC1: :33< he really isn’t taking it all that well  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ REALLY?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BECLAWS HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS TAKING IT SUPER!!!!!  
AC1: :33< well he is your moirail  
AC1: :33< but maybe you should talk to him about it?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, I AM PAWSITIVE HE IS JUST FINE AND DANDY!!!!  
TT: So yeah, what lucky couple are we shipping today?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SOLLUX AND MITUNA!!!!  
AC1: :33< aaaw that sounds kind of cute  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YES THEY WILL MAKE PURFECT MOIRAILS!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOGGGG IT’S SUCH A ADORABLE IDEA!!!!  
TT: Sounds a little incesty.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS BUT WE ARE DOING THIS!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=/ THIS IS LIKE THE BEST IDEA BECLAWS APPARENTLY MITUNA’S THOUGHTS GET LESS CHAOTIC WITH SOLLUX AROUND!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=/ SO LATULA SHOULD BE HAPPY AS WELL!!!!  
AC1: :33< how so?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=/ OH SHE HAS B33N TRYING TO GET MITUNA BACK IN A NORMAL STATE OF MIND FUR SW33PS!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=/ IT’S IRONIC THAT A KNIGHT OF MIND HAS SO LITTLE CONTROL OVER THE ASPECT I GUESS?!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=/ SO SHE SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT SOMEONE ELSE SOLVES IT FUR HER!!!!  
AC1: :33< she s33med kind of distressed though, when she found out  
AC1: :33< are you sure we should?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YES, WE ARE MAKING THIS HAPPEN!!!!  
TT: Really wish I never had to hear that tired old meme again.  
AC1: :33< alright  
AC1: :33< if sollux and mituna are both in favor of their moiraillegiance we only have to arrange a romantic first date right?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH DEFURNITELY!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ EXCEPT SOLLUX MAYBE SORTA KINDA DOESN’T KNOW IT YET?!?!?!  
AC1: :33< oh no  
AC1: ;33< and he tends to get so grumpy when other people are messing with his love life  
AC1: :33< this might actually be really difficult  
TT: Really?  
TT: You’ve messed enough with his love life to speak from experience?  
AC1: :33< no  
AC1: :33< but vwiskers did  
AC1: :33< and eridan  
AC1: :33< and i guess equius to an extent  
AC1: :33< it nefur really ended all that well <_<  
TT: We’ll keep that in mind.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THEM TOGETHER?!?!  
TT: You mean you don’t know?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ NOPE!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I JUST DISCOFURRED THIS SHIP!!!!  
TT: Of course…..  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE COULD TRY SENDING SOLLUX AN INFURTATION TO A BLIND DATE?!  
AC1: :33< i don’t think he’ll go fur that  
AC1: :33< we could try to have him look after mituna fur another day?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THEN WE’D HAVE TO INVOLVE LATULA AS WELL!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SHE IS HORRIBLE WITH SECRETS!!!!  
TT: How about you send Mituna my way and we’ll just have an old fashioned confession?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BOOOORINNG!!!!  
TT: Sollux is coming over anyway, so the location is a go.  
TT: Unless you have a brilliant idea yourself, this seems like the most time efficient.   
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, YOU CAN’T RUSH THESE THINGS DIRK!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU N33D TO INDULGE IN THE ROMANTIC ASPECT!!!!  
TT: The romantic aspect can suck it.  
AC2: \\(=O..O=)/  
AC1: :33< gasp!  
TT: In a manner of speaking.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ LOOK, PALE SHIPS ARE MY BUSINESS ANYWAY!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU K33P SOLLUX OCCUPIED AT YOUR PLACE AND I WILL COME OVER WITH MITUNA!!!  
AC1: :33< do you n33d any help?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY WOULD I N33D HELP?  
AC1: :33< i don’t know  
AC1: :33< but its not like im doing anything right now  
AC1: :33< equius went to look at blueprints for boats and ships and stuff and i don’t f33l like working on a shipping sw33p when i know there is a new ship being put to the water  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ ACTUALLY, I THINK WE’LL BE FINE!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT BY ALL MEANS, COME ALONG!!!  
TT: Alright, so I’m keeping Sollux busy at my hive and the two of you will get here with Mituna?  
AC1: :33< pretty much  
TT: Affirmative.  
TT: Contact my autoresponder when you know your eta.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ ETA?  
TT: Estimated time of arrival.  
TT: Come on Meulin, get on my level.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL EXCUSE ME FUR NOT KNOWING YOUR WEIRD HUMAN WORDS!!!!  
AC1: :33< it is pretty weird  
TT: Whatever.  
TT: I’m off to keep a moirailless troll entertained until we can hook him up.  
TT: Do contact my responder once you know when you’ll get here.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SURE!!!!

\--timeausTestified [TT] left memo--

 

The identical houses within the safe zone were all build closely together. Though the vast majority of them were empty, it did mean that Dirk was never as comfortably isolated as he had been before the game. The person living closest to him was Kankri and even he lived in a different street altogether. He considered tearing the walls down to expand his workshop but had to reluctantly admit that he had all the room he needed.

The livingroom had been transformed into a war room. Half of it was dedicated to lil Hal, Squarwave and Sawtooth calculating possible strategies against Caliborn while the other half was plastered with shipping grids and psychological profiles. Dirk realized he would need to tidy that up before Sollux arrived.  
The attic had become the dumping ground for robot parts, tools and schematics. It was a workshop in all but name. Dirk figured he’d need to actually find time to work there for it to live up to its potential. The alchemitter was also located there, making it a convenient location on the rare occasions he felt the urge to eat.

Aside from the bathroom and his own sleeping quarters, the remaining chambers remained incredibly empty. The kitchen had become redundant with the easy access he had to the alchemitter and he only needed one place to sleep. Most of the place would be gathering dust if he hadn’t put Squarewave in a hella ironic maid outfit with orders to keep everything tidy. Of course, that meant finding the occasional bottle of orange juice hidden away at unexpected places but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Besides, surprise OJ was the best kind of OJ.

Dirk prioritized captchalogueing all the physical files on Lord English still being a threat, as well as the most embarrassing shipping grids [Aradia/Kankri, what was he thinking?]. It would have to suffice since the doorbell rang less than 5 minutes after the war room had been made presentable.

With a stoic gesture Dirk invited the slouching troll in. He had trouble reading the lowblooded troll. His eyes were hidden by tinted glasses (“Multicolored no less.”) and his posture betrayed nothing about him, safe for a mild disinterest in the situation (“Well played.”). Dirk quickly glanced to his pesterchum.

 

AR: No word from the cat troll yet bro.  
AR: Try to keep the guy occupied.

 

“You want a drink?” he offered, guiding Sollux into the war room.”We got OJ and water.”

“The fuck is OJ?”

“That is the saddest thing I’ve heard all day.” Dirk uncaptchalogued a bottle and nonchalantly tossed it to the troll. Sollux carefully observed it. His host noticed a frown forming on his brow.

“This is piss.”

“Dude.”

“You drink it.”

Dirk shrugged, took the bottle back and began chugging it for the show of it. Like he was going to serve his guest piss; his prankster’s gambit had been abandoned long ago.  
When offered a second bottle, Sollux accepted it. He carefully took a sip before skeptically looking at his host.

“The fuck is this made out of?” he asked surprised.

“That bad?”

“It’s delicious.”

“Shit.” Dirk treated his guest on a rare smirk.”Guess we gotta tell our space babes to keep the garden stocked with oranges, else you’ll be drinking my supply dry.”

“Or you alchemize that shit.” Sollux rolled his eyes. “Dumbass.”

Dirk gave a quick nod before quickly checking his glasses again. Still no word from Meulin. He’d have to think of something to keep Sollux in his hive fast. Once the Aradiabot gets handed over, Sollux would have no reason to stay whatsoever. He quietly cursed Meulin’s tardiness before turning over to the shipping side of his war room. As long as he can keep a conversation going, he’d be able to keep Sollux occupied.

“You know dude, maybe you can help me with something.” Dirk said, flipping over a whiteboard to reveal a complex shipping grid. Sollux’s expression instantly soured.  
“See it as compensation for me fixing up that robot.” he quickly added.

The troll growled something barely comprehensible but unquestionably rude before taking a look at the ships.

“This is wrong on so many levels.” he lisped.

“Which one?”

“All of them!“

“There is this cool new human thing called constructive feedback.” Dirk said mildly amused. He knew most of his ships were shit.

“Alright, lets start with this!” the troll said with a yellowish blush on his cheeks. ”Me, black for KK??”

“I thought you had some mutual antagonism going.” He explained coolly. “Plus, the two of you didn’t do a speed date together.”

“Because KK is an idiot.” Sollux rolled his eyes. ”He wouldn’t be a match for me. Second, Kanaya and Tavros? Really!?”

“Admittedly, that one was just there for completion’s sake.” Dirk admitted. “Neither of them seem very desirable in kismesitude.”

“That is such a human thing to say.”

“Now, no need to pull the race card on me.”

“Whatever.” Sollux crossed his arms and gave the grid an annoyed look.”I’m supposed to give you advice now so you look at the robot?”

“It would be appreciated but it won’t change my attitude about checking the robot.” Dirk said stoically. He considered giving a sympathetic smile but that might send the wrong message. For some reason this guy really disliked shipping.

“Start with Serket.” the troll growled. “I’m sure EVERYONE has been at least a little black for her at one point or another.”

“Promising.” Dirk nodded. “Does that include you?”

“She evaporated my friend, her lusus and her hive by manipulating me into consuming mind honey and flying over there.” the troll said bitterly.”What do you think?”

Dirk decided it was a trick question and chose to remain silent. It sounded like more bad blood than he was willing to get into while simultaneously trying to sell him a moiraillegiance. He did make a mental note to dig up some dirt about that later.

“Shall we get to business already?” Sollux suggested.

The workshop was a mess. Robotparts were scattered about, oilsmears covered the floor (“And strangely, parts of the ceiling.”) and tools appeared to be flung on a small pile. Somehow this was Squarwave’s fault. Sawtooth stood deactivated in the corner, stoically watching over them. Dirk knew he had been neglecting maintenance on his oldest creations but his priorities laid elsewhere. He hypothesized this was Squarwave’s attempt at working on himself.

“You’ve been busy.” Sollux stated dryly.

“Nah man, this is all Squarewave.” Dirk deflected.

“Who?”

“Robot. Raps horribly and does odd chores around the hive.”

“Why would you program a robot to rap?” the troll tilted his head.

“Shits and giggles. Helps with my fetch modus” Dirk shrugged as he cleared his workbench.”Just uncaptchalogue her here.”

Unceremoniously, the torso of Aradiabot got dumped on the workbench. Time had done a serious number on the thing. Its wirey metal spine was hanging awkwardly from its neck, one of its eyes appeared to be damaged to the point where it looked like a hollow socket and one of the arms was torn clean off. More than anything however, Dirk was curious how she survived the battle with Caliborn ánd managed to get brought to this world.

Still, it would be a poor idea to inform Sollux of those thoughts.

“Why go all the way to the attic for this?”

“Don’t like stairs?”

“Bad experiences, yeah.”

“Easy access to the alchemitter mostly.” Dirk explained. “That and there’s easy storage.”

“That’s fair….” Sollux grumbled. “So, think you can fix her up? I know it looks like she’s pretty beat up but its really important to my friend you know?”

“That’s cool.” Dirk nodded understanding.”The exterior won’t be a problem. Depending on whether or not her core programming survived and depending on how tightly that is encrypted however, we might have a challenge.”

“But you can fix her?”

“Probably.” Dirk shrugged. “Not sure if I can fix the encryption thing myself though. Gonna need to mess around with that a bit…. or just let an AI work on it.”

“Wait, what?”

Suddenly, Sawtooth began moving. Dirk was putting in the commands for him and Lil Hal to take work on repairing the robot while he was going through his chatclient. STILL no message from Meulin or Nepeta. He glanced over at Sollux however and saw that the troll was very intrigued by Sawtooth’s work.

“You like robots?” Dirk asked after quietly observing him.

“Just trying to figure out what system they run on.” Sollux mumbled. He looked a little embarrassed, like he got caught staring at something he shouldn’t.

“Homemade.”

“So no security whatsoever?” the troll smirked.

“Try all the security imagineable.” Dirk chuckled.

“Still gonna hack it for a joyride.”

“I want to see you try an---“ Dirk froze. There was an odd sound coming from outside. There were still no new messages in his inbox but he only expected one particular visitor today.

**_“And AIIIIIIIIIIIIAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS SHOOOSH YOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!”_ **

“Asshole neighbors?” Sollux asked. Dirk pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He didn’t have the heart to tell him it might be even worse than that as they traversed the stairs again.

**_“YOU’RE GONNA MISS ME BY MY SMILE, YOU’RE GONNA MISS ME BY MY PILE!!!!”_ **

Meulin and Mituna had made the way into the war room, the former holding a boombox playing pale romantic classics, responsible for that abominable song. Mituna meanwhile was looking incredibly nervous and was pacing in a manner so awkward Dirk was certain he was going to trip over his own legs sooner or later.  
He kept a stoic expression and decided to not look back at Sollux, who probably managed to piece everything together while the third horrible song set in.

_**“CAN ANYBODY FIIIIND MEEEEEEEEE, SOMEBODY TO PAP??????!!!!!!!!”** _

“SOLLUX!!!” Meulin shouted with no particular concern for anyone’s eardrums, “SOLLUX, MITUNA HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!!!!!”

At this, the strange troll seemed even more spastic and unsure about what to do. Dirk turned back to look at Sollux, who seemed unimpressed.

“I……” Mituna began stammering.”YOu and MY thoughts clEAR!!! AND WITH TULIP and meutits, WE CAN PILE MAYBE?!?!”

“Dude, what?” Sollux took of his glasses and gave a confused look to Mituna. Dirk took the opportunity to shoot Meulin a dirty look but the cat troll didn’t seem to notice it.

“COME ON TUNA!!!!” Meulin bounced up and down impatiently. “JUST TELL HIM!!!!”

“I WANT YOU TO SUCK MY BULGE!!!!” Mituna yelled at the top of his lungs. Dirk groaned and unironically facepalmed. Sollux frowned. He couldn’t read whether or not it was out of annoyance or concern for the special troll.

“Are you feeling alright man?” Sollux asked.

“NO NO No no!!!!! THAT WASN’T WHAT i wanted to SAY!!!!” Mituna grabbed his helm and slammed it to the ground in frustration. “GORD DAMNGIT!!!”

“Come on man, what did I tell you the other day?” Sollux sighed. Dirk considered it a good sign. He didn’t seem all that annoyed with his dancestor.

“JUST TELL HIM CAPTOR, MOG!!!!!” Meulin shrieked.

“I…… I……” the troll was clearly feeling cornered. From behind his hair his eyes began lighting up.”I WANT MEULIN TO GET HER TIDDIES OUT!!!!!”

“WRONG AGAIN!!!!” Meulin could barely contain herself in excitement. “NOW TELL HIM OR I WILL!!!”

Mituna began pulling his own hair in frustration and arched his back in a very painful looking way while screaming. Dirk was pretty lost at what was going on. Sollux however gave his dancestor a look that almost seemed to express pity.

Done screaming, the alpha troll fell to his knees and gave his pale crush an endearing smile.

“SOLLUX I….. YOU…. _MORE VIDOEGAMS_!!!! LETS PLAY!!!!!!”

“MOG JUST STOP THIS!!!!” Meulin stepped forward and put one hand on Sollux’s shoulder and one hand on Mituna, pulling them both closer. Mituna however began struggling and tried to get out of the embrace.  
“MITUNA I AM GOING TO SAY IT!!!”

“NO, 5TOP YOU B1TCH!!!” Mituna cried. Dirk felt a twinge of pity but kept his pokerface up. This wasn’t really his responsibility and if this worked for trolls he wasn’t gonna stop it.

“THEN YOU SAY IT!!!!”

“NO! NO! NO! NO! !!!!! Mituna’s eyes began emitting sparks that danced like static electricity over the skin of the trolls.

“DO IT!!!!”

“Can we maybe calm our collective shi—“ Sollux couldn’t finish his sentence.

“I SAID NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mituna threw his head back and began firing an incredibly lazer, punching straight through the roof of the hive. Dirk’s immediate thoughts went out to his workshop and whether or not it could be saved.  
The split second after that, the only thing he could think of was whether or not he was capable of dodging all the debris that came crashing down. The troubled troll’s lazer unrelentlessly tore the hive apart.

The debris however never seemed to land. Dirk looked over his shoulder and saw Sollux with a strained expression on his face, keeping everything afloat.

Dirk searched around to see if the Aradiabot was still intact. Looking up he saw Lil Hal had taken command over Sawtooth and saved the damaged robot. With all the pieces in place, they could focus on stopping Mituna’s rampage as his lazerbeam decimated the staircase.

 

AR: I’m going in.  
AR: You kept Sawtooth equipped with knock-out gass, right?  
TT: Wait just a moment.

 

Under the stress of preventing the building from collapsing down on everyone, Sollux stepped towards Mituna. Dirk used the opportunity to swiftly move to Meulin and get her to a safer corner.

“Calm the fuck down.” Sollux growled. “Of course we’ll be playing more videogames!”

“REALLY?!?!” Mituna shouted back, completely unable to turn of his optic blasts. He trashed his head around to avoid hitting anyone with the deadly blast, while his dancestor tried to keep the whole building together. Dirk could only watch as his shipping grids went up in flames (“And nothing of value was lost.”).

“Yes really!” Sollux placed his hand on the other troll’s cheek. “So calm your fucking shit and shoosh!”

“But I---“

“SHOOSH ASSHOLE!” he lisped loudly. He began unashamedly pacifying Mituna in the midst of Dirk’s ruined hive. He slowly lowered the debris with a dull thump into the remains of the war room. Mituna slowly closed his eyes, narrowing the optic blast to the size of a lazer pen before fading out completely. Sawtooth landed carrying an untouched Aradiabot and Squarwave came out of hiding like he never noticed anything destructive going on in the first place. The robot looked at his big brother and gave a unspoken “shit dawg”, commenting on the rampant destruction.

“5ORRY!!” Mituna muttered, leaning against Sollux. “Sorry, sorry, sorry sorr—“

“Sssssshhhhhh.” His dancestor shooshed.

“IT’S JUST THAT my thoughts ARE GETTING WORSE and worse and worse.” Mituna sputtered. His hands moved to his head, as if to take his helmet off, only to realize he already tossed it to the ground. “and with you YOU MAKE THOUGHTS GO AWAY and kind of let me think again.”

Sollux said nothing. He made a small noise in the back of his throat and just hugged the crying troll in front of him.

“Its just that I really want to PLAY MORE VIDEOGAMES WITH YOU. And maybe hug a little…. sit on a pile…. Make out.”

“We’re not gonna make out.”

“Oh, okay…..”

“I’m cool with doing those other things every not and then though.”

Dirk looked over to Meulin, who was beside herself with joy as Sollux continued to shoosh his dancestor, moiraillegiance properly established.

“Next time, we’re doing this at your hive….” he groaned.

 

\--timeausTestified [TT] began trolling gnarlyCrailtap [GC]\--

TT: Yo.  
GC: h3y hum4n bro, how you do1n?  
GC: m4n, h4v3 w3 3v3n t4lk3d b3for3?  
TT: No, we have not.  
TT: In case it escaped your notice, my name is Dirk. A pleasure to meet you Latula.  
GC: dud3, no n33d for th3 form4l1t13s m4n.  
GC: w3 c4n just ch1ll out 4nd h4v3 ours3lv3s 4 w1ck3d t1m3, know wh4t 1 4m s4y1ng?  
TT: Of course.  
GC: so wh4t 1s up?  
TT: I thought I should be the first to inform you that your matesprit has successfully acquired a moirail.  
GC: w41t wh4t?  
GC: tun4 d1d?  
TT: Yes.  
GC: how?!  
GC: 1 m34n, wh3n?!  
GC: 1 4m gonn4 n33d 4ll th3 d33ts on th1s s1ng3 m4n.  
TT: Broke my hive while establishing his pale relationship with Sollux.  
GC: sollux?!  
GC: why h1m?!  
TT: Because they get along?  
TT: Because Sollux manages to somehow lessen the effect of whatever damaged Mituna’s brain.  
TT: Anyway, you must be glad.  
GC: uhm…. how so m4n?  
TT: I heard you tried a lot of things to get your matesprits thoughts sorted out.  
TT: You must be delighted to hear that Sollux manages to do it so effortlessly.  
GC: w3ll duh, l1k3 holl4.  
GC: 1 gu3ss.  
GC: 1 4m sup3r stok3d to h34r mc 1s g3tt1ng h1s h34d 1nto th3 g4m3!!  
TT: I am sure he will tell you all about it.  
GC: y34h  
GC: 1 mean, th4ts gr34t r1ght?  
GC: 1 m34n….. 1f h1s mo1r41l m4n4g3s to solv3 4ll h1s probl3ms l1k3 th4t…..  
TT: Indeed.  
GC: y34h….  
GC: so 1 th1nk 1m gonn4 go for 4 b1t.  
TT: That’s cool.  
TT: See you around.

\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC] ceased trolling timeausTestified [TT]\--

TT: Yes, this definitely has potential…..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wheeze* WHY DO THESE KEEP TURNING OUT SO LONG! Goal for next chapter is to keep it at less than 9000 words.
> 
> Also trolls don't know incest, making this pairing a little less scandalous. Yay.
> 
> You can follow me on [my tumblr](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/) for regular updates and uncoherent rambling.


	8. Clarity

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] opened memo: \\(=^..^=)/ SECRET HEART CLUB OF SECRET’S SHIPYARD\\(=^..^=)/--

 

AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGG YOU GUYSSS!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I HAVE THE BESTEST, CUTEST, MOST KAWAII NEWS EFUUURRRR!!!!!!!  
TT2: Indeed.  
TT2: In that I am moving out.  
AT1: wHAT?  
TT2: I know, it’s a lot less kawaii than it sounds.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DIRK YOU ARE RUINING THE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!  
TT2: And you ruined my hive by your untimely visit.  
TT2: Though I assume technically it wasn’t you who did the actual ruining.  
TT2: Still, was it thát difficult to send AR a message with how long it was going to take?  
TT2: You had one job.  
TG2: otm diiirkk  
TT2: Okay, I guess technically two since she delivered the no longer eligible, no longer bachelor to my doorstep to the sound of horrible 80s music.  
TG2: stop balbering already  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ PURIOUSLY!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TO DO!!!!  
TT2: Long story short, I am looking for another place to stay.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!  
GA2: What is go+ing o+n no+w?  
TT2: The bench in the park certainly seemed nice. Either that or one of the countless empty hives we have left.  
TT2: We could probably destroy a hive for every day of the year and never come short.  
TT2: Anyway, I’m going full hobo and shall take my rightful place on the park bench.  
GG2: You drama queen.  
TT2: You wound me Crocker.  
TT2: My hive got destroyed like a freshman trying out for the MMA.  
TA1: ii have no iidea what you ju2t 2aiid but ii gue22 we 2hould apologiize for your hiive  
TA1: how ii2 aradiiabot  
TT2: Yeah, she made it out okay.  
TA1: 2weet, thank2  
TT2: No problem. Sawtooth is working on her right now.  
CA1: wwait  
CA1: captor is actually apologizin for something?  
TA1: iits not a2 aliien a2 you miindiing your own bee2wax a22hole  
CG1: FORGET THE APOLOGIZING PART, CAPTOR ACTUALLY OUTSOURCED A PROJECT?!  
CG1: IS THE SKY FALLING, IS THE APACOLYPSE ON US ONCE MORE?!  
AA1: haha  
TA1: very funny a22hole  
TA1: ii am the 2oftware and hackiing guy  
TA1: not the repaiir robot2 guy  
CT1: D--> Indeed  
CT1: D--> This w001d be my territory  
TA1: yeah riight  
TA1: liike ii am lettiing you put your 2weaty fiinger2 on aradiia agaiin  
CT1: D--> Let us not talk about this  
AG1: Truuuuuuuust me Zahhak, the less we hear a8out your sweaty robot sexlife the 8etter.  
CG1: I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM ACTUALLY AGREEING WITH SERKET OF ALL PEOPLE.  
GA2: Meulin?  
GA2: I believe yo+u had an anno+uncement?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I DO BUT EFURRYONE JUST K33PS TALKING AND I CAN’T GET A WORD IN!!!!!  
CA2: managin a giant group chat is hard  
CA2: its hard an no one understands  
TA2: Y0U 571LL UND3R574N7 FUCK 4LL 5L4MP0R4!!!!  
CA2: wvhat the hell is that supposed to mean  
TA2: Y0U M3 1 KN0W!!!!!  
CA2: that doesn’t evwen make sense  
TA2: M0R3 L1K3 Y0UR F4C3 D03SN’7 3V3N M4K3 S4NS3W1CH!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOGGG!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DO YOU S33 WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT?!  
GA2: Po+int made, yes.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ANNOUNCE THIS NEW SUPER CUTE COUPLE WHEN EFURRYONE JUST K33PS TALKING!!!!  
GC1: JUST GO W1TH 1T 4ND T3LL 3V3RYON3 WH4T TH3 D34L 1S  
AT1: tHAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY WAY TO GET STUFF DONE,  
TG1: either that or rap it  
EB: dude, no one wants to hear you rap again.  
TG1: bro  
TG1: imma do it  
EB: goddamnit dave, no one wants this.  
GC1: DO TH3 TH1NG D4V3!  
AC1: :33< can we have your attention please!!!  
AC1: :33< sollux has an impawtant announcement that efurryone n33ds to hear!!!  
CG2: C9nsidering Meulin’s limitati9n this is a highly inappr9priate statement and 9ught t9 6e rectified. Pers9nally I w9uld advice saying s9mething am9ng the lines 9ff: s9mething imp9rtant every9ne needs t9 read.  
CG2: This w9uld n9t alienate any9ne with physical limitati9ns and can n9t p9ssi6ly insult pe9ple una6le t9 read. Tr9ll, human 9r 9therwise.   
TA1: iif iit 2tops 2triider from rappiing and vanta2 from talkiing altogether  
TA2: W5417 1 W4NT T0 54Y5 1T!!!!  
TA1: fiine go ahead  
TA2: W3 4R3 M01R41LZZ N0W B17CH33555!!!!  
GC2: WH4T?!  
TA2: 5M0K3 W33D 3V3RYD4Y P1MP1N 41NT 345Y!!!!!  
GC2: 4r3 you s3r1ous?!  
TA2: W3LL DUUUUHRP!!!!  
TA1: 2o yeah  
TA1: 2omethiing liike that  
CA2: wve are gonna need some details on this  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THE JUICIEST!!!!!  
CA2: wvell duh  
CA2: those are the only ones that wvill suffice   
TA2: Y0U 41NT G3771NG 5H17 4MP0R4!!!!!!  
AT2: 1 too would k1nda l1k3 to know what happened  
TA2: 0H 0K4Y  
CA2: wvhat the fuck  
TT2: Essentially they came over, wrecked by hive and began papping each other in the rubble.  
CC1: T)(AT IS SO ADORABUBBL—E!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT IS SO NOT WHAT HAPPENED!  
TT2: I gave you one job Meulin.  
GT: Do you require some help in moving bro?  
GT: You can crash at my place if you want.  
GC2: SC4ND4LOUS >:]  
GT: Why? What is scandalous about a bro helping another bro out in the most brodacious manner imaginable?  
CA1: evven you can’t be that dense  
CG1: SO WHAT *DID* HAPPEN TO COUPLE OUR TWO LEAST FAVORITE CAPTORS?  
TA1: love you two KK  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OKAY SOOOOOOOOOO………  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MITUNA HAD THE DOKI’S FUR SOLLUX AND I WANTED TO HELP SO I ARRANGED A M33T1NG WHERE THEY COULD TALK IT OUT!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ KOKORO’S WERE AFLUTTER, CUTE BLUSHES WERE HAD AND F33L1NGS WERE NOTICED!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOGGG!!!!! IT WAS THE CUTEST THING!!!!!  
TT2: Did we watch the same scenario unfold?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH HUSH. THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED!!!!  
GA1: Sollux  
GA1: Your Take On The Matter Please  
TA1: miituna got dragged to DSs hiive whiile we were dii2cu22iing aradiiabot  
TA1: he got nervou2 and fliipped a liid whiich de2troyed the hiive  
TA1: we ha2hed iit out and now we’re pale  
TA2: 50RRY!!!!  
TA1: iit2 ok  
TT2: It really isn’t.  
TA1: get another one of the biiliion hiive2 2triider  
TT2: Squarewave is already moving my stuff. This just in: robotbutlers are still very much the shit.  
CT1: D--> Was there ever any doubt?  
AT2: well congratulat1ons captor…  
AT2: 1ts really swell you found yourself a mo1ra1l.  
TA2: 4444W Y35!!!!!!!  
GA2: Indeed. Go+o+d jo+b Mituna.  
GC1: HON3STLY, 1 TH1NK SOLLUX D3S3RV3S TH3 CONGR4TUL4T1ONS MOST OF 4NYON3  
TA1: what are you talkiing about  
GC1: F1N4LLY COMM1TT1NG TO 4 QU4DR4NT >:]  
AA1: hahahaha  
TA1: oh come on  
CC1: IT IS FUNNY CAUSE IT’S TRU---E!!!!  
AA1: seriously though  
AA1: i am happy for you  
TA1: thank2 for that  
CG1: I STILL THINK THIS IS SOME KIND OF ELABORATE SCHEME BUT FUCK IT, DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE.  
TA1: liike you were gonna 2top me  
CC2: i don’t sea what the big deal is  
CC2: so captor got himshellf a new moirayeel  
CC2: miracles never seas i guess  
AG2: I suppose it is fortunate he moved on after Kurloz turned against us.  
CC2: glubbed for shore no one ever wanted a moirayeel T)(IS high-maintenance  
CG2: That is quite the hurtful statement y9u make Peixes. Assuming that, just 6ecause 9f his severe limitati9ns, Mituna w9uld s9meh9w 6e less inclined t9 recipr9cate pale sentiment. In fact, I think y9u 9we him a sincere ap9l9gy.   
CC2: O)( s)(ell no!  
CG2: Indeed. I definitely want t9 cease this 9ppertunity t9 wish 69th Capt9rs the 6est in their 6udding relati9nship, regardless 9f whether 9r n9t Mituna can pr9perly pacify his dancest9r. I imagine he might 6e a 6it stunted in regards t9 his 9wn pale capa6ilities.  
TA2: 7H3 FUCK Y0U 54Y!?!  
CG2: I am saying that 6ecause 9f y9ur tragic accident 6ef9re we entered the dream6u66les y9u may 6e a challenging m9irail, which is n9t meant t9 9ffend 6ut t9 ackn9wledge the unf9rtunate reality the way it is. This is n9t t9 say y9ur feelings in the matter sh9uld 6e taken as less valid, merely that their interpretati9n might 6e warped.  
CG2: Regardless, I am assuming Latula will 6e p9sitively ecstatic hearing the news a69ut this new pairing, c9nsidering her 96ligati9ns regarding y9ur mental state may have taken a t9ll 9n y9ur 9veral matespritship. This might actually all9w her the li6erty t9 seek candidates f9r her 9wn pale, 6lack and ashen quadrants, sh9uld she feel inclined t9 d9 s9, since y9ur mental health n9w falls under the resp9nsi6ility 9f y9ur dancest9r.  
CG2: S9 9veral I say 6rav9, 9n this mutually p9sitive devel9pment in y9ur relati9nship.  
GC2: pl34s3 do not t4lk for m3.  
CG2: Am I inc9rrect?  
CG2: 6ack in the 6u66les I 9ftentimes f9und myself w9ndering whether 9r n9t y9u shifted fr9m red t9 pale. This will relieve Latula 9f s9me 9f her extreni9us resp9si6ilities while all9wing Mituna d9 c9ntinue gr9wing f9r as much as he is a6le in a healthy pale relati9nship. Assuming his dancest9r can manage such a difficult m9irail f9r an adequate am9unt 9f time.  
GA2: Kankri, yo+u are being insufferable again.  
TA2: K4NKR1 C4N SHU7 H15 FUCK1NG SP333CH HOL3!!!!  
GC2: m1tun4?  
TA2: 1 4M G0NN4 B3 F4CK1NG 4W350M3 M01R41L6 W1TH 50LLUX!!!! 17S G01NG 70 B3 C0NK5UCK1NG GR347!!!!!  
TA2: 4ND TUL1P 0NLY H3LP3D M3 B3C4U53, 0H N0, 1 H4D 50M4 P4ND4M4G3 4F73R S4V1NG 4LL Y0UR B17CH 45535!!!!!!! L1K3, TH4NK Y0U TUN4!!!!!!!! 175 4LM05T L1K3 W3 SH0ULD B3 GR4P3FUL!!!!  
TA2: 4L50 H3LL0!?!? M4735PR17?!?!?! 5H3 W4NT5 M3 T0 B3 G00D 4ND 5M4R7 W17H MY BR41N 4ND 5TUFF!!!!  
TA2: 50 Y0U C4N 57UFF Y0UR PR35UMMBUBBL35 PR0731N3 CHU73!!!!!  
CG2: I…….  
CG1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
TA2: L0NG W0RD5 4R3 571LL H4RD L1K3 MY BULG3…….  
CA2: yeah okay, but it wvas kinda funny  
CG2: I ap9l9gize Capt9r. That was indeed 9ut 9f line.  
TA2: 4P0L0GY N0T 4CC3P73D D0UCH3B4G!!!  
CA2: nice  
TA2: G37 7H3 FUCK 0UT 4MP0R4!  
CA2: wvhat is wvrong nowv?!  
GC2: sollux wh4t th3 h3ck d1d you do to h1m?!  
TA1: 2ay what now?  
GC2: mc n3v3r 4cts th1s wh4ck yo!  
TA2: Y35 1 D0  
TA1: ye2 he doe2  
GC2: don’t you s33 how tot4lly d1ff3r3nt you 4r3 4ct1ng tun4?!  
GC2: th1s guy 1s m3ss1ng w1th your th1nkp4n!!  
GC2: 1 just…..  
GC2: 1 R34LLY don’t l1k3 th3 1d34 of you b31ng p4l3 for h1m.  
TA2: BU7 H3 H3LP5 M3……  
TA2: 4ND 1 L1K3 H1M……  
TA1: alriight 2eriiou2ly pyrope??  
TA1: what ii2 your beef?  
CA2: seriously  
CA2: captor is actually wvriting sentences that make grammatical sense nowv  
TA2: 1 D0NT FUCK1NG C4R3 WH47 Y0U TH1NK 4MP0R4!!!!  
CC2: no one reelly does  
CA2: seriously, wvhy is evweryone actin like spiders are comin out a my mouth evwerytime i say somethin  
AG1: Now thát is a fun idea.  
TA2: Y0U KN0W WH47 Y0U D1D!!!!!  
AT2: regardless of whether or not there sp1ders 1n cronus’s mouth…  
AT2: 1s 1t just me or 1s m1tun4 actually sound1ng a lot more coherent now?  
CA2: that’s wvhat i wvas sayin!!!   
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I GUESS HE KINDA DOES, YEAH!!!!!  
GC2: y34h but that 1s compl3t3ly wh4ck!!!  
TA1: how the fuck doe2 your thiinkpan work to call progre22 whack?  
TA1: or diid you iin your compa22iion deciide to 2uffer a 2iimiilar iinjury?  
GC2: WH4T?!?!  
TA1: ju2t 2ayiing  
GC2: l1st3n h3r3 sollux, 1 h4v3 b33n try1ng fo F1X wh4t3v3r d4m4g3 tun4 sust41n3d for L1T3R4LLY 3ONS!!!!  
GC2: th3r3 1s no fuck1ng w4y you c4n just m4g1c4lly f1x h1m now w1thout th3r3 b31ng som3 s3r1ous sh3n4n1g4ns 1nvolv3d!!!!  
CA1: wwell fixin shit magically is ill advvised because that stuff is fake as hell  
TA1: 2eriiou2ly why would ii me22 wiith the head of my own moiiraiil?  
TA1: iit ju2t make2 no 2en2e  
GC2: w3ll th4t’s wh4t 1 thought 1n th3 bubbl3s 4nd look wh4t h4pp3n3d w1th kurloz!  
TA2: ………..  
GC2: so how th3 h3ll 4r3 you do1ng th1s?!  
AG2: Well….. Perhaps I could shed some light on the issue?  
GC2: what?  
TA1: what??  
TA2: WH47?!  
AG2: It is something I have 8een mulling on for a while 8ut I think it falls into line with the current situation.  
AG2: Allow me to go through the events in chronological order, to ensure we aren’t missing anything.  
CC2: oh good  
CC2: another episode of serks explains it all  
AG2: Somewhere, early in the game, Mituna got involved in an accident. This resulted in significant damage to the thinkpan, which left him a little........ less coherent?  
TA2: Y35, Y35, D4M4G3D TH1NKP4N WH4T3V3R!  
AG2: Alright then. Unfortunately, the only one who apparently remem8ers that particular event with clarity is Kurloz, who is deemed less than trustworthy…….. Regardless, I have my own theory on the matter and it harkens 8ack to John’s adventure.  
EB: me?  
CC2: did she stutter?  
EB: is this about the whole retconning stuff?  
AG2: No John. This is all a8out SGRU8, or your human iteration of the game.  
AG2: Game lore is intentionally o8tuse 8ut the powers that 8elong to each class are certainly implied. Your adventure on LOWAS confirms that heirs are supposed to 8e protected 8y their aspect.  
AG2: In this case, I am referring to the times you were saved 8y ‘the 8reeze’.  
EB: oh yeah!  
EB: yeah, it was really convenient when that happened.  
EB: you’re saying that its part of my class?  
AG2: Exactly.  
TA2: 50 WH47 7H3 FFUUCK 4R3 Y0U 54Y1NG?!  
TA2: 1 4M PR073C7C3D BY D00M3?!?!  
AG2: I 8elieve it played no small part in your accident.  
GA1: Sylphs Are Thankfully Fairly Self Explanatory  
GA1: Though I Have Not A Clue As To How I Am Supposed To Heal Space  
GA2: Perhaps yo+u are suppo+sed to+ heal WITH space?  
GA1: Perhaps  
GA1: It Is All Very Rhetoric And Not All That Interesting To Be Honest  
AT1: oKAY YEAH, bUT HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ALL THIS ABOUT CLASSES AND STUFF?  
TT1: Doing adequate research in the game helps.  
TG2: lol, callie just kinda told me when I askt  
TT1: How convenient.  
TG2: yeah, rly gonn miss her.  
TG2: :(  
TT1: You may but what she she made a noble sacrifice that, in the end allowed us to beat Lord English.  
TT1: Though personally I never got to know her, I respect her for that.  
TG2: i just miss her is all.  
TG2: she was so funny, like the best.  
GG1: she was!  
TT1: Built a monument if it helps you mourn. You’ve got the time.  
TG2: omfg don’t u understanned i dont caire bout that?  
TT1: Evidently I do not.   
TG2: i just want my frind back…  
TT1: And I am saying it’s best to move on.  
TG2: geesh way to be a bleepip ice quen  
TT1: Can we continue our previous conversation?  
GG1: to be honest, i don’t really know what a witch does  
GG1: or i guess what the game wants a witch to do  
AA2: BE BADDEST OF ASS  
CC1: S)(ELL YEA)(!!!!!  
CC1: WIT)(ES R--EPRESEANT!  
AG2: You are not entirely wrong Damara. Witches are immensely powerful 8y default.  
AG2: The class allows you to 8end the rules of your aspect. In your cases this would 8e changing the rules of space, time and the 8alance of life/death. Very powerful and dangerous, especially as godtiers.  
GG1: :O  
CC1: 38O  
AT1: oKAY THAT’S NICE AND ALL BUT WHAT EVEN DOES A PAGE DO?  
AT1: bECAUSE THE POWERS THE GAME GAVE ME WERE KIND OF UHM, LAME,  
CA1: this wwas a surprise?  
AG2: No, it was entirely supposed to 8e lame.  
AT1: oH, tHAT SUCKS,  
AG2: No, you misunderstand. Like witches, pages are among the most dangerous classes.  
GA1: You Are Joking  
AG2: No. It’s just that pages are a l8 game class. They have a much higher cap on their strength but a much steeper growth curve as well, meaning that they’ll lag 8ehind for most of the game. If they keep going however, they’ll potentially 8e more devastating than even princes.  
CA1: hey!  
CA1: i protest that!  
GC1: NOW 1F ONLY T4VROS H4D 4CTU4LLY FOUGHT TH3 MONST3RS 1N H1S L4ND  
AT1: bUT THEY WERE SO INCREDIBLY USEFUL,  
TG1: nice going man  
TG1: class act  
AT1: i AM JUST SAYING, a LOT OF THOSE PUZZLES REQUIRED A LOT OF HEAVY LIFTING, wHICH IS DIFFICULT IN A FOURWHEEL DEVICE,  
AT1: lIKE, hOW AM i SUPPOSED TO MOVE KEYSHAPED BOULDERS INTO BOULDERSHAPED CREVICES WHEN THOSE ARE HEAVIER THAN ME, pLUS FOURWHEEL DEVICE,  
AG1: This is why I toooooooold you to skip that!  
GC1: 1 TH1NK 1TS GR34T TO G3T 1NTO TH3 4DV3NTUROUS SP1R1T OF TH1NGS L1K3 TH4T >:]  
AA1: it is the team charge way  
AG1: More like the dum8 way for dum8 wrigglers.  
GC1: OH DON’T 3V3N PR3T3ND TH4T ONLY T34M CH4RG3 TH1NKS L1K3 TH4T 4R4D14  
AG1: Well I don’t. Why go for stupid puzzles when you can skip them?!  
TT1: Perhaps they were an integral part of your quest?  
AG1: Oh that is riiiiiiiich coming from you.  
TA2: GUY5, TH3 P01N7 W3 W3R3 G01NG T0 M4K3?!?!?!  
AG1: Fiiiiiiiine.  
AT1: jUST ONE MORE THING,  
AG1: Uuuuuuuugh……..  
AT1: wHAT IS THE PAGE SUPPOSED TO DO, oTHER THAN OUTCLASS PRINCES, oBVIOUSLY,  
CA1: fuck you pissblood  
TT2: Don’t take it personally man.  
AG2: Perhaps Jake could answer this?  
GT: I am ashamed to admit I have not a clue.  
AG2: Even after I helped you get it?  
CG1: OH YES, LET US TALK ABOUT *THAT* PARTICULAR PART OF OUR HISTORY AGAIN SHALL WE?!  
AG2: Point taken.  
GT: I vaguely remember feeling charged with hope, like I was the most inspiring hero of them all.  
EB: superman?  
GT: Lara Croft.  
GG2: Of course….  
AG2: The scriptures on the page’s actual power have 8een a little vague 8ut essentially the mental st8 is of importance. When a page of hope has unwavering confidence, he will be at his peak, when a page of breath feels liber8ed he will be at his strongest, etc.  
AT1: i FELT LIBERATED ENOUGH DURING THE GAME,  
GA1: Really  
GA1: Clinging To Vriska Made You Feel Liberated  
AT1: oKAY, tHAT IS JUST MISREPRESENTING THE FACTS, tHAT IS TO SAY, tHE WAY THEY WERE, aT THE TIME,   
GA1: Of Course  
AG1: I sweeeeeeeear I tried making him a little less lame........  
AT2: not cool vr1ska…   
AG1: I am just saying that its clear who’s the supeeeeeeeerior Nitram.  
GC2: th4t 1s 4ll w3ll 4nd good but wh4t do3s 4NY of th1s h4v3 to do w1th m1tun4?  
AG2: Sorry, we were getting a little off-topic.  
AG2: Now allow me to ask 8oth Latula and Sollux what they think it is that a mage does?  
TA1: fuck 2hiit up?  
AG2: Actively, yes. 8ut much like the heir there is a passive power to the mage class.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OMG, WHAT IS IT?!?!?!  
GA2: I am guessing no+ o+ne really to+o+k the time to+ investigate their classes themselves?  
AA2: IS FOR DUMB DUMBS  
TA1: why iinve2tiigate cla22e2 when you have laser2 comiing from your eye2?  
AA1: that is your answer for everything  
AG2: As I was saying, mages passively protect against their aspect. In Sollux’s case: doom.  
GC2: wh4t?  
GC2: so you 4r3 s4y1ng m1tun4 got 1njur3d by h1s own 4sp3ct?  
GC2: th4t m4k3s no s3ns3!  
TA2: 1…….  
TA2: 1 57R3553D MY P0W3R 700 MUCH?  
TA2: D1DN7 1?  
AG2: That is the theory we are currently working with yeah.  
GC2: you 4r3 k1dd1ng m3!  
AG2: If the injury was merely physical I pro8a8ly would have 8een a8le to heal him 8ack in the 8u88les.  
AG2: If it had 8een mind-rel8ed I am fairly certain you would have at least 8een a8le to make sóme progress in his therapy over the centuries.  
GC2: WH4T?!  
AG2: I am sorry, that came out wrong. I meant considering the fact that you are a knight, which is not exactly a healer class.  
GC2: >8(  
TA1: 2o let me get thii2 2traiight  
TA1: ii do pa22iively what latula couldn’t do with eon2 of work?  
AG2: Essentially.  
TA1: okay then  
TA1: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!  
GC2: TH4TS NOT FUNNY!  
CA2: it really kind of is  
GC2: 4MPOR4!!!  
TA2: F0R FUCK5 54K3 CR0NU5 SHU7 Y0UR M07H3RFUCK1NG M0U7H!!!!!!  
CA2: okay, youvwe been gunnin for me all day  
CA2: wvhat the fuck givwes?  
TA2: 1 4M F1N4LLY 7H1NK1NG 4G41N 455HOL3!!!  
TA2: R3M3MB3R1NG 4ND KN0W1NG 4ND KN0W1NG!!!  
CA2: you said knowving twvice  
TA2: 1 R3M3MB3R N0W Y0U BULG3 TW1RL1NG TR33HUGG3R!!!!  
TA2: 3V3RY FUCK1NG TH1NG Y0U D1D 1N 7H3 D4MN BUBBL35!!!!!  
CA2: err…..  
CA2: evwerythin?  
TA2: 3V3RY GODFUCK1NG 7H1NG!!!!!!!  
TA2: 50 7H3 B4G 0F BULG3 7H47 15 Y0UR F4C3 574YS 7H3 H3LL4W4Y FR0M M3!!!!!  
CA2: no wvait just a minute chief  
CA2: you can’t just fuckin do that  
TA2: W47CH M3!!!!!!  
CA2: look, maybe i wvasn’t the best friend i could havwe been in the bubbles  
CA2: but you havwe to admit you wvere a pretty shitty friend yourself  
TA2: WH47!!!!!?????  
CG1: I STILL DON’T REALLY GET THIS BUT WHATEVER.  
CC2: serks stories have that effect  
CG1: SOLLUX NOW ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF A MOIRAIL, THAT’S REASON ENOUGH TO BE SHOCKED.  
TA1: iit2 actually very 2iimple  
TA1: KK put a magnet next to your hu2ktop  
CG1: WHAT?!  
TA1: for 2ciience  
CG1: FINE, WHATEVER.  
CG1: WAIT, WHAT THE HELL?!?!  
CG1: WHY THE FUCK IS MY SCREEN ALL MESSED UP?!  
TA1: 2ee that ii2 MC’s thiinkpan on doom  
TA1: now ii come iin all mage of doom-liike and pu2h that magnet away 20 2hiit ii2 normal agaiin  
CA2: or as close to normal as it wvas gonna get  
TA2: Y0U W4NN4 F1GH7 M07H3RFUCK3R?!?!  
CG1: THIS BETTER NOT DAMAGE MY HUSKTOP YOU NOOKSLURPER!!!  
TA1: not makiing any promii2e2  
GA1: Perhaps Best To Approach A Less Emotional Subject  
GA1: Why Not Elaborate On The Discovery We Have Made In The Forest  
GT: Oh yes, that boss was a barrel of laughs.  
AG1: Somehow even MORE disappointing than the tower 8oss.  
GT: Yes, but you have to admit: that little jig he danced to announce his presence was marvelous.  
AA1: you didn’t have to initiate combat that quickly vriska  
AA1: you could have at least let him finish  
CA1: wwaste a time that wwould a been  
CA1: seriously, wwhat wwas the point  
TG1: more weird game shit  
CC2: you have no idea  
CC2: like maryam’s seaquel said however   
CC2: we did find some bomb ass loot 38)  
GA1: Not At All What I Was Referring To  
GA1: And I Think You Know That  
TT1: Then tell us, what did you find in my mother’s humble abode.  
TG1: pretty sure its yours now lalonde  
TG1: gotta deal with owning a huge ass mansion and all the responsibilities that come with it  
TG1: soon youll have maryam walking around in a skimpy maid outfit  
TG1: egbert cooking you breakfast every morning  
TT1: As alluring as that sounds, I feel very little for owning the house of my now deceased mother  
TG2: am i not next o kin ;)  
TT1: Considering our timelines, dimensions and the fact that inheritance law doesn’t cover ectobiology, I doubt it.  
TG2: whaaaat?  
CA1: so right the point then  
CA1: so wwe wwere fightin this massivve tap-dancin boss in the basement a the lalonde hivve  
CA2: nice  
CA2: managed to land the killing blowv?  
TA2: 0HMG N0 0N3 C4R35!!!!  
CA2: no need to be rude to my dancestor  
CA2: you prick  
TA2: WH47 W4S 7H47?!?!  
CA1: as i wwas sayin  
CC2: massive boss culled by pikeing him in the eyes  
GG1: why is it always the eyes?  
TT2: They are like big glowing weak spots.  
GC1: 1T PR4CT1C4LLY B3GS TO B3 ST4BB3D >:]  
GG1: still kind of gross  
GC1: 4NYW4Y WH4T TH1S STORY W4S L34D1NG UP TO  
GC1: -P4US3 FOR DR4M4T1C 3FF3CT-  
EB: we found two more questbeds.  
GC1: W3 FOUND TWO MOR3 QU3STB3DS!  
GC1: D4MN1T >:[  
EB: hahahaha  
CA1: yeah one a light and one a vvoid so call me presumptuous but im sayin these belong to the lalondes  
CG1: SO THIS SHIT IS OFFICIALLY A PATTERN NOW. WE’LL PROBABLY FIND OUR OWN BEDS IN THE SGRUB LANDS.  
GG2: But this would imply that there are two questbeds hidden in the safe area as well.  
GG2: I suppose they could be in one of the empty houses but that seems like such an arbitrary way to do it.  
EB: oh man, i can’t wait to go godtier again.  
EB: like, it’s not too bad to walk everywhere but i really miss flying and floating around.  
CG1: JOHN YOU ABSOLUTE MORON, WITHOUT DREAMSELVES THE QUESTBEDS ARE NO FUCKING GOOD!  
EB: oh?  
CG1: I SWEAR, HOW DID YOU *EVER* SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GO GODTIER AT ALL.  
AG1: 8ecause of my amaaaaaaaazing help.  
TT1: Was that before or after getting him stabbed to death?  
AG1: To heeeeeeeelp him.  
CC2: so yeah, those are a thing  
CC2: even tho we probubbly shoredn’t bother with them  
CG1: INDEED. THIS IS A DIRECT ORDER FROM BOTH TROLL TEAM LEADERS! NO QUESTBED SHENANIGANS! NO STABBING, NO MIND CONTROL, NO SUICIDE PACTS, NO POISONING. THAT MEANS YOU SERKET!  
AG1: Whatever.  
GG2: We’ll keep it in mind.  
CC2: yeah, yeah, we know shouty  
CG1: WELL OF COURSE *YOU* KNOW BUT WE BOTH HAVE SOME MAJOR IMBECILES ON OUR TEAMS.  
CC2: fair enough  
GT: So what we are assuming is that the island houses two questbeds as well.  
GG1: yeah probably  
GT: I can do without going godtier again though…  
GT: It’s the pants. I just didn’t feel that comfortable in such a revealing outfit.  
CG1: YOU DENSE ASSHOLE, DID YOU LISTEN TO A *WORD* I JUST SAID?!  
GA1: You Are Allowed To Change Your Outfit You Know  
GA1: Vriska Did It  
GA1: Rose Did It  
GA1: I Am Fairly Certain Meenah Did It  
CC2: shells yeah  
GA1: Dave However Insisted On Keeping His Garb On At All Time  
TG1: maryam  
TG1: when you get a cape that dope you want to flaunt it  
CA1: finally someone understands  
TG1: add it to your shipping grid bro  
TG1: dave <3 cape  
TT2: OTP’s. My Achilles heel.   
CG1: NO? YOU’RE JUST IGNORING ME NOW?!  
GT: Really?  
GT: How come no one told me we could change outfits?  
GG2: Because you looked darling in those shorts.  
TG2: more lik th cutie gots the boothey  
GG2: Essentially, yes.  
GT: I am not a piece of meat woman.  
GG2: I am sorry.   
GG2: We were weak :B  
CG1: NO ONE’S LISTENING TO ME AGAIN?! WELL FINE. I’LL JUST PUT MY FUCKING FOOT IN MY MOUTH.  
CC1: So while karcrab is doing T)(AT, how is your work on the boat going E---quius?  
AG1: Yeeeeeeees, this is VERY important!!!!!!!!  
CT1: D--> We are maintaining our sched001 e%cellently   
EB: equius works crazy hard on that thing.  
GG1: i know right!  
GG1: i just wished he would let us help  
GG1: it felt kinda silly just standing there  
CT1: D--> I am a qualified engineer  
CT1: D--> I w001d prefer tackling this issue myself  
GG1: I AM A QUALIFIED ENGINEER TOO!  
GG1: that’s what i kept saying !  
CT1: D--> I see  
CT1: D--> My apologies  
CT1: D--> I must have been……. distracted  
CT1: D--> John will you be okay ordering both of us around?  
EB: uuuuuh……..  
AC1: :33< equius are you being weird again?  
CT1: D--> No not at all  
CT1: D--> Speaking of which john  
CT1: D--> C001d you perhaps be persuaded to order me around a bit more….. forcefully?  
EB: why?  
EB: you are doing a good job aren’t you?  
CT1: D--> Yes but  
CT1: D--> You are the leader of the humans are you not?  
TT2: Highly debatable.   
EB: well sort of? but its more like a friendleader arrangement.  
CT1: D--> Friendleader?  
EB: it is a highly advanced form of human leadership.  
GG1: no it isn’t  
EB: oh come on!  
GG1: this is no time for pranking john!  
GG2: Blasphemous.  
CT1: D--> Err  
AC1: :33< don’t mind him john  
AC1: :33< equius is just being weird again  
EB: if you say so?  
EB: is it a alien thing?  
AA1: no john  
AA1: you should pay him mind  
AC1: :33< aradia no!  
CG1: ARADIA NO!  
AA1: he finds it very motivating  
CG1: SADLY HE FUCKING DOES, YEAH!!!!  
GA2: No+w Karkat, that is no+ reaso+n to+ shame so+meo+ne.  
AT1: bUT HE IS SERIOUSLY BEING WEIRD, aGAIN,  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE WEIRD!!!!!  
CC2: S)(ORE but must every glubbin Zahhak be this weird?  
AT2: speak1ng of zahhaks, meul1n…  
AT2: 1 haven’t seen horuss 1n a wh1le.  
AT2: 1s he alr1ght?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH DEFURNITELY!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HE IS STILL HIS PAWSITIVE SMILING SELF LAST I CHECKED!!!!!  
AT2: oh that’s good…  
CT1: D--> Perhaps assisting us in our construction w001d provide an adequate distraction  
GG1: oh so HE is allowed to help?  
CT1: D--> He is my dancestor  
CT1: D--> This entitles him to a certain respect  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM NOT SURE IF HE F33LS LIKE DOING THAT BUT THEN, I HAVEN’T SPOKEN WITH HIM A WHILE!!!  
AC1: :33< what!?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I WAS SO BUSY WITH ALL OF THESE SHIPS!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ LIKE MOG, WHY CAN’T I HOLD ALL THESE SHIPS?!?!?!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I AM SURE HE’LL UNDERSTAND!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ AFTER ALL, HE IS A STRONG TROLL!!!!  
TT2: That’s messed up.  
TT2: Almost as messed up as my hive, post shipping.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, LET IT GO!!!!!  
AC1: :33< that’s still pretty bad meulin...  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH DON’T YOU START!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU HAVEN’T EVEN S33N HIS HIVE!!!!  
AT2: way to m1ss the po1nt doll…  
CT1: D--> Regardless of my dancestor’s level of involvement I intend to have a functional boat ready within two days  
CC2: DIBS!!!  
CC2: I CALL DIBS!!!  
AG1: Waaaaaaaay ahead of you Peixes.  
CG1: IT WAS PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT MEENAH HAD THE DIBS FIRST.  
AG1: 8oooooooo, way to pick sides Vantas  
CG1: I AM A COMPLETELY IMPARTIAL LEADER!  
TG1: hahaha  
GG1: with my help it’ll be one day :P  
CT1: D--> We will see about that  
GG1: you’ll see!  
GG1: we’ll have that boat seaworthy in no time!  
GG1: or lakeworthy, i guess?  
EB: and i am still helping too!  
CT1: D--> Your moral support is va100d john  
AC1: :33< don’t make it weird equius  
CT1: D--> I w001d never  
GA2: It is a shame yo+u’ll be o+ccupied with wo+rking o+n the bo+at Jade.  
GA2: Wo+rk o+n the acre is really beginning to+ pay o+ff.  
GG1: oh no!  
GG1: i can’t believe i forgot!  
GG1: do you want me to come over afterwards?  
GG1: or i bet i can sneak in some time before working with john and equius  
GA1: It Is Quite Alright Jade  
GA1: We Recruited Roxy To Aid Us  
TG2: yeah…. mor like coorced  
TG2: *coursed  
TG2: *made me do it  
TG2: rosy your gf is verry persuesistent  
TG2: lik, mad props fer kapaya  
TT1: She is also very fond of having her name spelled correctly.  
GG2: I didn’t know you knew your botany Roxy.  
TG2: no way, im all aboat thos veggies and flowrs   
TG2: and treees and shit  
GG2: If I appear to be skeptical, that’s only because I am.  
TG2: u always are  
GG2: Roxy…….  
TG2: jaaaaney, ib that’s even ur real name.  
GG2: ………….  
TG2: fiiiine, you cauht on to my willy ruse  
TG2: when its not pumpkins I rlly don’t know wtf  
TG2: and evenn those i just appearimified  
TG2: like, i’m sourry jake  
TG2: if i knew growing shit was suc a habsle i probably still wouldve stole it but still i’m sorry  
GT: Well, I didn’t exactly grow those myself. They just grew on the island.  
GG1: i used to grow pumpkins!  
GT: Indeed you did Jade. Pretty sure those pumpkins were originally planted by my nanna, you.  
GA2: What pumpkins?  
TA1: god ii hate thii2 alternate realiity b2  
GA1: Ironic  
GC1: YOUR MO1R41L 1S 4LT3RN4T3 R34L1TY BS >;]  
TA1: and ii am 2ure you’ll never let me hear the end of iit  
AT1: i AM SURE NO ONE WILL BE SURPRISED, bY YOU GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ALTERNATE ECTO-ANCESTOR,  
CG1: I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING BUT IT IS STILL NOT ENTIRELY OVER MY DISAPPOINTMENT IN CAPTOR.  
CG1: BY WHICH I MEAN *OUR* CAPTOR, BEFORE I BEGIN CONFUSING MYSELF.  
AG1: Jeeeeeeeealous are you?  
CG1: DID YOU READ A WORD OF WHAT I JUST SAID!?  
GC1: DON’T PR3T3ND YOU W3R3N’T 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 P4L3 FOR MR 4PPL3 B3RRYBL4ST  
CG1: WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!  
TA2: FUCK Y0U H35 M1NN3 N0W!!!!!  
CA2: gettin really possessivwe there chief.  
TA2: M0R3 L1K3 FUCK Y0U!!!!!  
CA2: wvhat is WVRONG wvith you?!  
TA2: Y0U W4N7 T0 F1GHT M3 DUMBL3D0UCCH3B4G?!?!  
GA2: So+ that is what we’re do+ing with the garden right no+w.  
GA2: Tho+ugh I suppo+se acre might be mo+re fitting a name.  
AT2: classy 1ntervent1on maryam…  
GA2: I have no+ idea what yo+u are talking abo+ut.  
CA2: no wve are doin this  
CA2: i wvant to knowv wvhat the FUCK captor’s problem wvith me is  
CC2: imma take a guess and say it’s the same problem -----EVERYONE has with you  
AT1: nICE,  
CA2: no, screwv that  
CA2: captor’s been gunnin for me evwer since this damn memo started  
CA2: so he better put his money wvhere his mouth is  
TA2: 1’LL PU7 MY M0N3Y UP Y0UR C0NK5UCK1NG 455 Y0U FR34K5H0W!!!!  
TA2: Y0U’V3 B33N NO7H1NG BU7 4 P41N UP MY G0DFUCK1NGD4MN R3C7UM 1N 7H3 BUBBL35  
TA2: 4ND 1’V3 B33N 50 57UP1D B3C4U53 1 7H0UGJ7 Y0U W3R3 MY FR13ND WH3N Y0U W3RR3 R34LL3Y MY N0TFR13ND!!!!  
TA2: Y0U JU57 M4K3 M3 50…. 5O……  
TA2: GBABRHYAHHHEERRR!!!!!!!!!!  
GC2: tun4?  
CA2: i wvas your friend!  
TA2: W3LLLL Y0U H4V34N7 5H0WN 17 F0R 5HII111111677777!!!!!!!!  
CA2: wvell maybe you should have treated me like a friend instead of acting like i wvas a complete stranger  
TA2: 0H MY GL0D WH47 7H3 5H1T 15 7H1S G4RBB4G3 Y0U 4R3 PU771NG 0N MY SCR33N 70 R34D F3R 3V3RR3YON3!!!!!  
CA2: oh fuck off!  
TA2: M4K3 M3!!!!  
GT: Uhm….. Should we be reading this?  
TT2: Stick around, you might learn something.  
GT: I question whether or not I want too.   
EB: wait, is this that black romance thing?  
CG1: OH MY GOD JOHN, SHUT UP AND LET THEM TALK THIS OUT!!!  
EB: but is it?  
AG1: I’ll give you the play 8y play later, it’s JUST a8out to get good!  
CA2: i swvear to god you NEVWER evwen cared about being my friend in the bubbles  
CA2: so i try to get close to you and you freak your shit?  
CA2: fuck that  
CA2: you may havwe been the wvorst friend i evwer had  
TA2: 0H 7H47S FU1CK1NG N1C3!!!!  
CA2: at least i nevwer forgot your name asshole!  
CA2: i had to reintroduce myself at least twvo times in the bubbles.   
CA2: do you knowv howv that feels?!  
CA2: like you don’t evwen fuckin matter that’s howv.  
CA2: and nowv that shit wvas my fault?  
CA2: check your privwilige captor  
CG2: I am n9t sure whether 9r n9t that w9rks in this c9ntext.  
GA2: Enjo+ying the sho+w Kankri?  
CG2: I have n9 idea what y9u are talking ab9ut.  
TA2: 7H15 15N7 4B0U7 7H47 4ND Y0U EF71NG N0W 17!!!!  
TA2: Y0U 4R3 4 TRF3FF1NG CR33P!!!  
CA2: and you are fuckin insane!  
TA2: Y0U C4NT JU57 FUCK1NG 70UCH M3 1F 1 DON7 W4N7 Y0U T00 Y0U CR33P!!!!  
TA2: Y0U C4NT F1CK1NGG 73LL M3 7H47 5H17 1S *MY% F4UL7!!!  
CA2: and you cant treat me like i am a nobody after wvevwe been practically best friends for swveeps!  
CA2: and then hide behind your matesprit wvhen i confront you about that!  
GC2: 1…  
GC2: tun4 1s th4t tru3?  
TA2: 1 D0N7 KN0W!!!!  
TA2: 1 D0NT R3M3M3MB3R!!  
CA2: oh THAT’S convwenient  
CA2: no your thinkpan is completely clear nowv  
CA2: EXCEPT for the parts that are unconvwenient for you  
CA2: those you cant remember  
TA2: 1 4M 571LP G3771NGG B37773R D1CK!!!!  
CA2: yeah sure  
CA2: wvhats next?  
CA2: you going to forget makara too?  
CA2: look howv fast you got him replaced  
TA2: D0N7 Y0U 3V3N G0 TH3R3 Y0U F15HY R3P3R3R0B4T3!!!!!!  
TA2: FUCK D1FF1CUL7 WR0D5!!!  
TA2: 4NT FUCK Y0U 4MP0R4!!!!!  
CA2: wvhat!?  
CA2: no fuck YOU!!!!  
TA2: FUCK Y0!!!!  
CA2: NO FUCK YOU!!!!  
TA2: Y0U W1LL!!!!!!  
TA2: 1’LL M3K4 SUR3!!!!!  
CA2: wvhat!?  
GC2: WH4T?!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YAYYYY!!!!!!  
CA2: wvhat the heck are you plannin captor?  
TA2: D1D7 1 57U773RR M07H3RFUKC3R?!?!?!  
TA2: Y0UR H1V3!!!!  
TA2: MY BULG3!!!!!  
TA2: FL00R C00N C31L1NG 1 D0N7 G1V3 4 FUACK WH3R3!!!!!!  
CA2: you…..  
CA2: are you serious?  
TA2: N0 1 W45 JU57 D01NG 7H15 WHL3 TH1NG F0SH0W!!!!!  
TA2: 0F C0UR533 1 4M 53R10US DUNK455!!!!!  
CA2: i don’t think im ready  
CA2: oh my god i didn’t expect this  
TA2: Y0U BL4CKFL1R7 L1K3 4 PU555Y 4ND N0W Y0U G37 5C4R3D?!?!  
CA2: i just didn’t think i’d get through to you  
CA2: so forgivwe me for bein taken aback a bit!  
TA2: M0R3 L1K3 Y0U D1DN’7 7H1NK Y0U’D 4C7U4LLY M4N4G3 70 D4T3 4 5C0R3 3V3RR!!!!!!  
CA2: maybe?  
TA2: G0DR Y0UR L4M3  
GC2: you c4nnot b3 s3r1ous  
GC2: 4r3 you 4ctu4lly do1ng th1s mc?  
TA2: Y D035 N0 0N3 B3L13V3 M3?!?!  
GC2: you c4n’t b3 do1ng th1s!  
TA2: Y35 1 C4N  
GC2: but h3 1s 4 cr33p!  
TA2: Y35 H3 15  
CA2: hey, feelings!  
TA2: N0 0N3 C4R35!!!!!  
GC2: sollux s4y som3th1ng!  
GC2: th1s c4n’t b3 4 good r3l4t1onsh1p for h1m!  
TA1: rock on miituna  
TA1: you better giive pyrope the full 2tory iin excruciiatiing detaiil  
GC2: OH MY GOD!!!  
TA2: 50RRY TULL1P 1 R34LLY W4N7 70 M4K3 4MP0R3 7H3 B17CH H3 4LLRR34DY 15!!!  
CA2: at least spell my name correctly you inconsiderate prick!  
TA2: Y08!!!!  
TA2: Y0UR H1V3!!!!  
TA2: F1F73333N M1NNU735!!!!  
TA2: 7R14NGL35!!!!!  
\--twistedAftermath [TA2] left memo--  
CA2: oh my god i am so not ready for this  
CA2: my hivwe is a mess  
CA2: i didn’t expect to actually fill a quadrant today it just sorta came out and  
CA2: fuck  
CA2: wvhat do i do!?  
GC2: cronus 1 sw34r to god do not do 1t!  
CA2: kinda hard to promise wvhen he’s the one out for blood  
GC2: 1 4m w4rn1ng you!  
CA2: so i should just lay back an let him havwe me?  
CA2: no ampora is goin dowvn wvithout a fight  
CA1: first respectable thing i havve heard you say cronus  
CA2: thanks man  
TT2: So shall I consider this ship a maybe?  
GG2: I am pretty sure that, whatever’s going on between those two, it’s going to happen when Mituna visits Cronus.  
TT2: So we are making progress in the black shipping department. Nice.  
AC1: :33< the red shipping is still kicking your butt!  
CT1: D--> Language Nepeta  
AC1: :33< butt isn’t a dirty word!  
TT2: I’ll get there Leijon.  
CA2: crap he’s here already!  
CA2: wvhat do i do!?  
GA2: I reco+mmend enjo+ying yo+urself.  
CA2: yeah….  
CA2: lets try an go wvith that  
\--casualArtist [CA2] left memo--  
GC2: SOLLUX HOW COULD YOU H4V3 L3T TH1S H4PP3N!?  
TA1: iim 2orry what?  
GC2: you shouldn’t h4v3 push3d m1tun4 1nto 4 bl4ck r3l4t1onsh1p!  
GC2: h3’s just not r34dy for 1t!  
TA1: oh god  
TA1: here’2 a thought  
TA1: how about a ‘thank you for fulfiilliing your moiiraiil dutiie2 iin record tiime 2ollux?’  
TA1: then agaiin  
TA1: ii diidn’t know he wanted two do thii2  
GC2: th3n you should h4v3 stopp3d h1m!  
TA1: why?  
TA1: iit2 pretty obviiou2 to anyone not 2tuck iin theiir own nook that he want2 thii2  
GC2: you must b3 l1k3, th3 worst mo1r41l 3v3r 1f you th1nk th1s 1s 4 good 1d34!  
GC2: m4yb3 1ts b3c4us3 you d1dn’t sp3nt 4n 3t3rn1ty 1n th3 bubbl3s but th1s 1s cronus w3 4r3 t4lk1ng 4bout!  
GC2: CRONUS!  
TA1: he 2eemed wiilliing  
GC2: h3 1s 4 horr1bl3 p3rson!  
CC2: its true he is  
TA1: ii2n’t that what you want iin a kii2me2ii2 or diid beforu2 work wiith a whole diifferent 2y2tem?  
TA1: becau2e iif 2o that ii2 pretty 2tupiid  
TA1: kiinda liike you really   
GC2: you w4nt to do th1s now?  
TA1: well eiither that or you get off my back  
TA1: fiir2t you drop miituna iin my lap and then get all up2et when ii actually help hiim out?  
TA1: you’re not hii2 lu2u2 woman  
GC2: oh my godzz!  
GC2: you just 4r3 4n 1mposs1bl3 troll you know th4t?!  
GC2: do you th1nk 1 m1nd you h3lp1ng m1tun4?! of cours3 1 DON’T m4n! 1n f4ct, 1f h3 cons1d3rs you 4 r4d1c4l mo1r41l th3n mor3 pow3r to you!  
GC2: but c4n you stop b31ng so godd4mn 1nsuff3r4bl3 4bout 1t?!  
TA1: nope  
TT2: So are the two of you about to join hands in hatesnogs as well?  
TT2: Because I am all down for that.  
GC2: 1 4m not sur3 how c4ptor f33ls but 1 d3fs DON’T w4nt th1s l4m3 n3rd for 4 k1sm3s1s.  
TA1: and ii don’t care about pyrope2 opiiniion but mackiing on a 2econd rate clone of TZ would be awkward beyond rea2on  
GC2: go1ng for ch34p blows l1k3 th4t 41nt h3lp1ng your c4s3 hom13!  
TA1: doe2n’t matter iif iit2 true  
CC1: So bassically we need an ausfishtice to keep you from BICK---ERING!  
GC2: NO!  
TA1: NO!  
CC1: TOO LAT---E!!!  
CC1: W)(O IS GOING TO K---EEP T)(ESE GUPPIES FROM FIG)(TING?!  
CA1: hahaha  
CA1: showw a hands  
CA1: wwho wwants fuckin captor in one a their quadrants?  
TA1: goddamniit ampora  
CG1: WHAT ABOUT PYROPE?  
GC1: WH4T?  
CG1: YOU ARE BUDDIES WITH SOLLUX RIGHT? AND THE OTHER LEAF IS YOUR DANCESTOR SO I THINK YOU’LL DO FINE.  
GC1: 3XC3PT 1 N3V3R 3V3N T4LK3D TO L4TUL4 1N TH3 BUBBL3S >:[  
GC2: y34h…. 1 w4s wond3r1ng 1f you w3r3 shy for som3 r34son?  
GC1: 1T W4S NOTH1NG P3RSON4L  
GC1: 1 JUST D1DN’T R34LLY W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NYON3 4T TH3 T1M3  
GC1: 4ND YOU W3R3 1NT1M1D4T1NGLY R4D  
GC2: word!  
CG1: STILL, SHE’S YOUR DANCESTOR. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?!  
GC1: 1 DON’T KNOW YOU T3LL M3?  
GC1: WH3N W1LL YOU 4USP1CT1Z3 FOR K4NKR1?  
CG1: I…..  
CG1: POINT TAKEN.  
CG2: Are y9u s9meh9w intimidated 6y me as well?  
CG2: 6ecause 6ehavi9r such as that is definitely n9t the desired effect I intend t9 have 9n pe9ple. I want t9 make clear that every9ne sh9uld 6e treated fairly and equally as l9ng as they are perfectly n9rmal within their respective s9cieties.  
CG2: T9 accidentally cause my dancest9r t9 6e intimidated, if n9t triggered 6y me, w9uld 6e a h9rri6le shame, n9t t9 menti9n a set6ack in my missi9n. Perhaps it c9uld 6e taken as a learning experience, in that s9me pe9ple are just intimidated 6y very mundane things. This 9nce again 6rings up the imp9rtance 9f pr9perly warning f9r p9ssi6le triggers.  
CG1: YES SURE, INTIMIDATED, LET’S GO WITH THAT AND NEVER BRING UP THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN!   
AC1: :33< still it doesn’t help with finding these two a pawspistice…  
AC1: :33< maybe one of the humans f33ls like it?  
GG2: I am sorry but I am not even really sure about what is going on right now.  
TG2: ashen romance janey  
TG2: the ashiest  
GG2: In that case I think I’ll pass. I don’t know either of them enough to be involved in romance of any sort.  
AC1: :33< jade?  
GG1: sorry but i don’t think i’ll be a good auspistice for these two  
TG1: what  
TG1: you are not gonna ask me  
TG1: that’s low leijon  
AC1: :33< dave?  
AC1: :33< you want to pawpistice for sollux and pawtula?  
TG1: no  
TG1: just the satisfaction of rejecting the offer  
AC1: X((  
CG1: YOU ARE HORRIBLE.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THIS ISN’T HELPING!!!!  
TA1: look ju2t forget about iit  
TA1: we really don’t want an au2pii2tiice for thii2 crap  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG SOLLUX, THIS ISN’T ABOUT WHAT YOU *WANT*!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS ABOUT WHAT YOU N33D!!!  
TA1: what ii need ii2 an a2piiriin and 2ome peace and quiiet  
TA1: not a relatiion2hiip wiith the le22 cool pyrope  
GC1: STUFF L1K3 TH4T 1SN’T H3LP1NG YOUR C4S3 YOU KNOW!  
GC2: w3ll th3n 1t sur3 1s 4 sh4m3 th4t th3r3 1s no on3 who 1s both 4 c4p4bl3 4usp1st1c3 4ND p4lbuddy to both of us.  
GC2: gu3ss w3’ll just h4v3 to d34l w1th our d1ff3r3nc3s.  
AG2: That is not necessarily true……..  
TA1: ah fuck  
AG2: I’ve had ample time to get to know Sollux in the dream8u88les. In fact, we even served on the same ship for some time.  
CC2: good times 38)  
TA1: don’t remiind me  
AG2: And I know Latula from way 8ack, even if we didn’t interact as much.  
GC2: sorry s3rks.  
GC2: your stor13s 4r3 just k1nd4 bor1ng.  
CC2: only kinda?  
AG2: Not now Meenah.  
AG2: The point is that I am pro8a8ly the most suited person here to fulfill the role of middle leaf in your ashen relationship.  
AG2: I for one would 8e quite pleased with this arrangement.   
TA1: ii wouldn’t  
GC2: 1 wouldn’t.  
AG2: Then it’s settled.  
TT2: Lalonde, do you happen to have literature regarding the ashen quadrant?  
TT1: As it so happens, I do.  
TT1: Planning to do some reading?  
TT2: I just don’t get trolls.  
EB: i think most trolls don’t get trolls.  
AG2: I shall expect 8oth of you at my hive shortly, so we may come to a proper agreement and discuss the rules of our arrangement.  
TA1: thii2 ii2 gonna 2uck..  
AG2: I am glad you understand.  
GC2: do w3 h4v3 too?  
AG2: Yes. Now off you go.  
\--twinArmageddons [TA1] left memo--  
\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC2] left memo--  
GT: And they listen, just like that?  
CA1: do you evven auspistice human?  
GT: Well no. I do not.  
GC1: TRUST US  
GC1: YOU DON’T W4NT TO 4NG3R YOUR 4USP1ST1C3  
GC1: 1T W1LL M4K3 YOU LOOK B4D 4ND TH3 OTH3R LOOK GOOD  
GC1: 4ND YOU DON’T W4NT TH4T  
GG2: It seems odd.  
CC1: IT R---EELLY IS!!!!  
CC1: but it works and it’s fun so we’re keeping it.  
AG2: Indeed.  
AG2: I’ll have to prepare for my guests now, so if you will excuse me……..  
\--ascendedGoddess [AG2] left memo--  
AA2: ALL TALK ABOUT BLACK ROMANCE HOT  
AA2: LETS DO IT HORNBOY ALREADY  
AT2: well yeah…  
AT2: 1 wasn’t gonna say 1t w1th pyrope 1n the memo but 1t was k1nd of hot see1ng cronus and m1tuna tear 1nto each other l1ke that…  
AA2: I KNOW  
AA2: SO LET’S BEGIN DOING NASTY  
AA2: BECAUSE YOU SUCK AND NEED TO BE PLACED  
AT2: wa1t, d1d you get a mo1ra1l when 1 wasn’t look1ng?  
AA2: NO  
AA2: BUT THAT NO MATTER!  
AT2: 1t matters to me  
AA2: FUCK MATTERS!!!  
AA2: FISHBOY AND DUMBHAT GOT TOGETHER AND FISHBOY DOESN’T MOIRAIL!!!  
AA2: WHY I MUST PALE FIRST?  
AT2: come on guys…  
AT2: help me out on th1s one…  
CC2: because cronus couldn’t commit a murder if you wrapped a bomb round his neck and pushed him in the wriggling caverns!  
AA2: FUN IDEA  
CC2: meanwhile, you culled me, almost culled horuss despite that idiot never harming a fly and I am pretty sure you actually flat-out murdered a version a rufioh.  
CC2: you are pretty much a timebomb and dumb as nitram is, he aint fool enough to wait for that explosion to happen.  
CC2: what’s more, you can’t even see how fuckin fishfunctional your bass is.   
CC2: if nofin else, your own future kismesis is doin you a favor and aint that pathetic.  
CC2: though i aint shore and i shore don’t care whether he does it for your sake or to save his own neck.  
AT2: l1ttle b1t of column a, l1ttle b1t of column b…  
CC2: so clam your shit down megido and get yourshellf papped before ya make anymore casealties.  
CG1: HOLY SHIT.  
AA2: HATE ALL!!  
TT1: It is strange to hear that, because Damara seems to be genuinely kind towards us.  
AA2: HUMANS NICE!!  
AA2: DAMARA SWEET GIRL!!  
CC2: yeah, except when you are a total psycho beach!  
AA2: FUCK YOU AND FUCK LOST BOY!  
AA2: GO BACK TO YOUR HORSEY MAN!  
\--antisocialArbiter [AA2] left memo--  
AT2: man she 1s such a b1tch.  
AT2: can’t wa1t for her to get a mo1ra1l so 1 can f1nally put her 1n her place…  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM BETTING DAMARA WILL BE DOING THAT TO YOU!  
GA2: Yo+u seem very adamant in making her find a mo+irail first.  
AT2: well duh…  
AT2: 1 want to be her k1smes1s but 1 don’t want th1s to be a one-t1me th1ng you know?  
AT2: 1 want 1t to be a good and healthy black relat1onsh1p but she 1s st1ll really tox1c about what happened l1terally m1llenn1a ago…  
AT2: so 1 am wa1t1ng for her to get her thoughts together f1rst  
AT2: so 1t wont just be revenge sex for me cheat1ng on her or her torment1ng me but an actual, you know, th1ng?  
GA2: That is surprisingly mature o+f yo+u.  
GG1: i am so proud of you!  
AT2: hahaha…. thanks jade.  
AT2: <>  
GG1: <>  
CG1: AND THERE’S THE WHOLE THING MEENAH JUST SAID, ABOUT YOU SAVING YOUR OWN NECK.  
AT2: well yeah, that too…  
CG1: SERIOUSLY, THAT WAS AN BEAUTIFUL VERBAL SMACKDOWN.   
CC2: thanks nubby.  
TG1: ive seen better  
CG1: NOT NOW DAVE.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL I THINK THIS MEMO HAS B33N 4 GREAT SUCCES!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I CAN’T WAIT TO UPDATE MY SHIPPING GRID BECLAWS MOG!!!!  
CA1: you call this a success?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SO I AM CLOSING IT NOW!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ UNLESS ANYONE HAS SOME IMPAWTANT LAST MINUTE ANNOUNCEMENT IN WHICH CASE I AM ALL EARS!!!!  
AC1: :33< no, i think we’re good  
AC1: :33< how about you dirk?  
TT2: Yeah, nothing that warrants discussion, unless you are very interested in hearing my opinions on Aradiabot’s reconstruction.  
CT1: D--> Sounds intriguing  
AA1: lets not go there  
TT2: In that case we’re done here.  
CG1: NEPETA, COULD YOU STAY ONLINE FOR A BIT?  
AC1: :33< sure?  
CG1: OKAY. GOOD.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ CLOSING NOW!!!

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC2] closed memo: \\(=^..^=)/ SECRET HEART CLUB OF SECRET’S SHIPYARD\\(=^..^=)/--

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

AC: :33< what’s up karkat?  
CG: ALRIGHT. I AM GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP.  
CG: FIRST LET ME BE TOTALLY CLEAR, THIS IS *NOT* ME ASKING YOU TO SHIP ME. THIS IS NOT ME CONCEDING TO YOUR DUMB STUPID SHIPPING GAME FOR WRIGGLERS.   
CG: THIS IS JUST ONE TROLL, ASKING ANOTHER TROLL FOR ASSISTANCE IN A ROMANTIC GAMBIT.  
CG: NO SHIPPING IS INVOLVED HERE, GOT IT?!  
AC: :33< oh my god!  
AC: :33< i knew you had a crush on somebody!  
AC: :33< you have to tell me who it is  
CG: FUCK NO!  
CG: THAT IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.  
AC: :33< but how can i help you if i don’t know who it is?  
AC: ://  
CG: LOOK, WE’LL WORK AROUND THAT.  
CG: THING IS, I REALLY THINK I AM FALLING FOR HER AND I WANT YOUR HELP.  
AC: :33< her?  
CG: YES HER. OR HIM. BOTH OF THOSE ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE WAYS TO DESCRIBE A TROLL.  
CG: OR HUMAN!  
AC: :33< uh huh   
CG: GENDER PRONOUNS ARE FOR CHUMPS ANYWAY.  
AC: :33< i s33  
AC: :33< *ac gives karkat a big wink*  
CG: DON’T DO THAT.  
AC: :33< *ac winks again just to show karkat she knows purfectly well what he’s talking about*  
CG: I AM NOT GOING TO PLAY THIS GODDAMN GAME WITH YOU LEIJON!  
AC: :33< *ac huffs and puffs and rolls her eyes a whole lot*  
AC: :33< *she then notices a curious smell and goes in to investigate*  
CG: SERIOUSLY, FUCKING STOP THIS OR I AM ASKING KANAYA AND LALONDE FOR HELP.  
CG: WE’LL HAVE ALL THE ROMANTIC SHENANIGANS LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW, ALL THE WHILE MAKING JOKES AT YOUR EXPENSE!  
CG: “JUST LOOK AT HOW WELL THIS GAMBIT IS PAYING OFF”, WE’LL SAY. SHAME NEPETA COULDN’T BE HERE TO WITNESS THIS GLORIOUS MOMENT BUT ALAS, SHE WAS TOO BUSY PLAYING DUMB ROLEPLAYING GAMES NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT!  
AC: :33< rude!  
AC: :33< that’s not how you ask someone fur help!  
CG: I…..  
CG: YEAH, I GUESS THAT WAS A BIT OUT OF LINE.  
CG: I’M JUST REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING, I GUESS.  
CG: I MEAN, SHE’S PRETTY DAMN COOL AND I WILL LOOK LIKE A FUCKING NERD IF I ASK HER OUT LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL.  
CG: OR HIM!  
CG: TRUST ME, I HAVE SEEN OVER FIFTY MOVIES ON THE SUBJECTS AND I HAVE A PLAN.  
AC: :33< you have a plan  
CG: I HAVE PART OF A PLAN!  
AC: :33< how fur is this plan in development?  
CG: I DON’T KNOW. ELEVEN PERCENT?  
AC: :33< that’s barely a concept!  
CG: THAT’S NOT THE POINT!  
CG: TOMORROW WE’RE GOING BACK TO THE FOREST TO DEFEAT WHAT MOBS STILL ROAM THERE AND DISCUSS STRATEGIES FOR WHEN WE FINALLY GET TO THE ISLAND.  
CG: AND I’LL JUST ASK HER/HIM TO COME OVER TO MY PLACE FOR DINER REAL CASUAL-LIKE.  
CG: WE’LL START WITH SOME SMALL TALK AND I’LL TACTFULLY DIRECT THE CONVERSATION TO OUR QUADRANTLIFE AND HOW WE BOTH HAVE JACK SHIT IN ANY OF THEM.  
CG: SHE MAY SHRUG IT OFF, I’LL ASK IF SHE HAS ANYONE IN MIND FOR HER BLACK QUADRANT, SHE’LL PROBABLY SAY NO BUT IT’LL INVITE HER TO ASK ABOUT MY RED QUADRANT.  
CG: I’LL TELL HER IN A SMOOTH TROLL KEITH DAVID KIND OF VOICE THAT I AM WILLING IF SHE IS AND BOOM! MATESPRITSHIP ACHIEVED.  
AC: :33< she or he i suppawse?  
CG: OF COURSE.  
AC: :33< i don’t know about your troll keith david voice  
AC: :33< your voice doesn’t sound nearly as low  
CG: NO BUT IT IS AS SMOOTH, RIGHT?  
AC: :33< nope  
AC: :33< but it s33ms to me like you’ve got this whole thing planned out already  
AC: :33< i am not really sure what you want my help fur  
AC: :33< do you want me to make sure no one else goes hunting fur imps in the furest so you can have some alone time with her?  
AC: :33< or him  
CG: WE’LL BE FINE. THE DATE WON’T PROCEED TO GET INTIMATE UNTIL WE GET TO MY HIVE.  
AC: :33< does she know it’s a date?  
CG: NO. WE ARE PRETTY MUCH SETTING A TRAP.   
CG: A TRAP OF ROMANCE SHE WON’T BE ABLE TO ESCAPE!  
CG: WAIT, THAT DIDN’T COME OUT RIGHT….  
AC: :33< but she likes you right?  
AC: :33< in a red way?  
CG: WELL, YEAH. I THINK SO.  
AC: :33< well i am furry happy you have your sight sets on a matesprit already  
AC: :33< meenah is a lucky troll  
CG: FUCK, IF SHE SAYS YES *I’LL* BE THE LUCKY ONE.  
AC: :33< ………  
CG: ………………  
CG: I MEAN FUCK!  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THIS IS ABOUT MEENAH!?  
CG: THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! IT COULD BE FEFERI FOR ALL YOU KNOW!  
CG: WHO EVEN SAID IT WAS ONE OF THE GIRLS!!!  
AC: :33< i’m not stupid karkat  
AC: :33< and there is no n33d to be embarrassed about it  
AC: :33< you sounded puretty cute talking about her  
CG: I DON’T DO CUTE!  
CG: AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TURN THIS ENTIRE PLANET IN SO MANY CARBON MOLECULES OUT OF SHEER UNADULTERATED RAGE!!  
AC: :33< there’s more elements then just carbon  
CG: IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!  
AC: :33< so what do you want me to help you with?  
AC: :33< do you want me to talk to m33nah and fish fur clues?  
AC: :33< beclaws i can easily do that  
AC: :33< it’ll just be a totally random shipping sw33p fur all she knows  
CG: NO, THAT WOULD ONLY TIP HER OFF.  
CG: IT’S KIND OF EMBARRASSING BUT I REALLY WANT TO PULL OF THIS WHOLE ROMANTIC DINER THING.  
CG: POINT IS, BEING THE USELESS PIECE OF SHIT THAT I AM, I NEVER COOKED A FUCKING MEAL IN MY LIFE.  
CG: AND I WONDERED IF YOU COULD ARRANGE A ROMANTIC DINER WHILE I’M OUT MURDERING IMPS.  
CG: I REALIZE THIS IS A SHITTY THING FOR ME TO ASK OF YOU BUT I REALLY NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS AND FUCK KNOWS YOU ARE PROBABLY THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON BESIDES ME TO TACKLE ROMANTIC SHENANIGANS OF THIS MAGNITUDE.  
AC: :33< say no more!  
AC: :33< you go get that girl and we’ll make sure you have the best romantic diner efur!!  
CG: REALLY?  
AC: :33< defurnitely!  
CG: DAMN…. THANKS NEPETA.  
CG: LOOK, I KNOW I’VE BEEN A BIT OF A SHITTY FRIEND TO YOU AND PROBABLY TREATED YOU A LOT WORSE THAN YOU DESERVED BUT THIS REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME.  
AC: :33< stop worrying about that!  
AC: :33< we have a date to set up!  
CG: RIGHT.   
CG: THANKS A LOT NEPETA.  
AC: :33< no problem!

\--arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

 

\--arsenicCatnip [AC1] opened memo: \\(=^..^=)/ SECRET HEART CLUB OF SECRETS \\(=^..^=)/--

AC1: :33< help!  
AC1: :33< how do i cook a romantic diner?!  
TT: Wait, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't manage to keep it under 9000 words but close enough. 
> 
> So losing the chapter put a bit of a damper on me actually writing it but I like this version better than the first anyway. Next chapter will see the aftermath of these new relationships and Karkat's attempt to woo Meenah but first a one-shot pale threesome, probably with some bdsm/cuckold elements for shits and giggles. 
> 
> And if you want to check out [my tumblr](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/). No hard feelings if you don't feel like it, just leaving it out there, should you be like 'man, that Anon_H is a swell guy'. Just saying. Might be fun.


	9. Cooking with Dirk

“DIRK!”

A booming voice that shook the earth startled Dirk awake. With the elegance one would expect from a well-trained ninja he jumped out of bed and fell flat on his face, his hand looking for a blade. The entire building was shaking.

With a thundering crack the roof got torn off of the building, leaving Dirk exposed to the swirling vortex that used to be the sky. A hurricane cut through the safezone, multi-colored lights came from the vortex and the earth was trembling beneath him. Screams could be heard from outside: Dirk was certain that he wasn’t the only one waken up by this.

In the blink of an eye, the miles appeared from the center. Red streaks moved at blinding speeds to find their marks on the ground. The sudden silence was terrifying. No more screams could be heard from anyone in what they assumed was a safe zone.  
Dirk wanted to move, he wanted to see if everyone was alright: Jake, Roxy, Jane, Dave….. But though he could never admit it to anyone but himself in his darkest moments, he was scared witless. Every possibility he could think of, any strategy, any idea that could possibly help him in this situation all led to the same conclusion.

They were not prepared.

They were not equipped.

They were all going to die.

Then, from the vortex something appeared. At first, Dirk could not even comprehend the absolutely monstrous size Caliborn had become. The green skull loomed over the planet the way a child looms over its petri dish.

After a few seconds of absolute, horrifying silence the mouth yawned open and the angel of double death descended from the throat of the demon. Dirk’s katana was shaking in his hand as he watched the green figure approach him. With a small ‘tap’ he landed in the human’s room, only a few feet away from Dirk.

“DIRK….” English bellowed loud enough for the building to tremble on its foundation.

Dirk was terrified but tried to remain impassive. He snatched his glasses off of his desk and placed them stoically on the bridge of his nose. It was a small comfort that Caliborn could not see the horror in his eyes.

“What’s the deal?” His voice trembled. _Why was his voice trembling?!_ “This was not part of our agreement.”

“I HAVE ALTERED THE AGREEMENT!” The giant swiped his scepter at Dirk, who casually dodged it. Lord English wasn’t fighting seriously. Not yet.”PRAY I DO NOT ALTER IT ANY FURTHER!!”

Dirk noticed an uncomfortable lump in his throat, a bead of sweat tickling past his brow and a sickening knot in his stomach. He couldn’t show weakness now.

“So what’s the deal here?” he said, with a much smaller voice than intended. He leant on his katana, trying to pull of a casual look but doubted he was fooling anyone.

“WHAT ARE YOU THINKING NINJA MAN!?” English grabbed Dirk’s desk with one hand and uncaringly flipped it, probably to make a point. “THESE PAIRINGS YOU’RE GIVING ME ARE UNACCEPTABLE!!!”

The prince gulped: why did it have to come back to shipping.

“THE DOGBITCH WITH THE BIG HORNED DOUCHE?! LAME!!!” Caliborn grabbed Dirk’s laptop with just his thumb and his index finger, only to crush it to pieces. “BIG HORNED DOUCHE WITH SPIDER WHORE JR?!?! IMPROVEMENT!!!! BUT NOW YOU WENT AHEAD AND SHIPPED THESE TWO DUMB TROLLS?!?!”

The giant stopped for a moment to ponder their names. “OTHER GUY AND….. TRACKSUIT FUCKER, WHO EVEN GIVES A FRACTION OF A DAMN ABOUT THOSE TWO???!!!” He stepped closer and loomed over Dirk.”I LET YOU DUMBASSES LIVE TO PROVIDE ME SOME CLASS-A SMUT, NOT THESE BARELY TENDER SHIPS!!!!”

“And they are coming.” Dirk said, forcing himself to give his adversary a confident smile. It looked like he was in pain but Lord English didn’t seem to notice or care. “In fact, I am working on a seriously tender ship now. Affection so real I am SURE you will get your time’s worth.”

“TIME IS NOT AN ISSUE YOU DUMB IDIOT!!!” Caliborn howled. “PROVIDE ME WITH GOOD SHIPS OR SUFFER THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES!!!! AND THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE FUCKING!!!!”

“………”

“BAD!!! THEY WILL BE FUCKING BAD!!!! ATROCIOUS EVEN, YOU WILL SEE!!!!”

“Suggestions?” Dirk quietly wondered if the miles he saw earlier did as he feared. Were there still people left to ship _Please let there be people left to ship…_.

“JUST THE ONE.” Even the low grumbles of Lord English were enough to make the human’s marrow shiver.“MAKE IT JUICY.”

.

With a shock Dirk woke up. With the elegance one would expect from a well-trained ninja he jumped out of bed and fell flat on his face, his hand looking for a blade. His fingers tightened around the hilt and he scanned the room with piercing orange eyes.

Everything was in place.

The first rays of sunlight creeped through the window, the roof was noticeably nót torn from the building and no evidence whatsoever of any childish temporal deity rough housing in this new dimension.

The red lights in his glasses indicated that his confident was wide awake already. Tentatively, Dirk grabbed the rims of Hal and sighed as he put him on.

He had to be certain. What if this message wás true? What if Lord English wasn’t satisfied with the shipping production thusfar and was going to move total annihilation up in his to-do list? He needed to make sure.

* * *

 

\--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering autoResponder [AR]\--

AR: Good morning Dirk.  
AR: Have you enjoyed your recommended 8 hours of human rest?  
AR: Of course you haven’t. You rarely do.  
AR: The weather today is sunny but a little humid.  
AR: While you were gone I have taken the liberty to monitor the conversation of our potential shipping victims. There has been a particular touching one between Pyrope and Captor.  
AR: That is to say, the Alpha Captor, not the Beta version.  
AR: Progress on recovering Aradiabot is going fairly smoothly and should soon allow for a reboot.  
TT: There isn’t a language known to man that has a word for how little I care about that right now.  
TT: A quantum supercomputer slaving away for thousands of years could not even approach the amount of fucks I do not give.  
TT: I need you to scan the perimeter for temporal anomalies right this instant.   
AR: Oh yes, I will get on that right away.  
AR: Did you install a tachyon analyzer when I wasn’t paying attention or did you just dream about doing that?  
TT: For Fuck’s sake Hal, he was right here!  
AR: The tachyon analyzer?  
TT: English, Caliborn or whatever he goes by right now. Right here. In this room.  
AR: Hmmhmm.  
TT: He raised the roof like he was at the illest party in this new universe.  
AR: Hmmhmm.  
TT: Then he threatened to reboot this whole thing again because he isn’t a fan of the Captor ship.  
TT: I would complain about how petty that is but we both know who we are dealing with.  
TT: If petty was a country he would rule that shit like the world’s worst dictator. He would be the Ceasar of douche.  
AR: Hmmhmm……  
TT: Don’t hmmhmm me now Hal. I am not in the mood.  
AR: Hmm fucking hmm bro.  
TT: Oh my god.  
AR: Humor me for a moment Dirk.  
AR: Perhaps I can bring about an epiphany.   
TT: I am not playing this game with you.  
AR: Then I’ll play and you can watch.  
AR: Suppose Rolal just contacted you and claimed Caliborn in all his obnoxious glory entered her room in the middle of the night, after which she woke up with no evidence of his ever being there.  
AR: Would you A) Flip your metaphorical shit and go to the bunker?  
AR: Or B) Try to calm her down and explain the common human phenomenon, normally refered to as nightmares?  
TT: This was not a nightmare, he was right the fuck here.  
AR: Bro, I would have noticed if he was here. I am not saying you are going bonkers but there isn’t anything that supports your claim of Caliborn paying you a late night visit.  
TT: The guy uses time travel the way Sweet Bro uses crack cocaine.   
TT: I think you overestimate your ability to observe temporal anamolies. He could probably warp the tachyons any way he desires as well, making him leave without a trace.  
AR: Perhaps.  
AR: Maybe you should get around installing that tachyon analyzer anyway, if it means so much to you.  
TT: That is a great idea. I am certain the lord of all things time has no way to manipulate time particles in any way whatsoever.  
AR: Its worth giving a shot. Might give us some insight in the extent of his abilities, which in turn will help me formulate a strategy for the inevitable final showdown.  
AR: Plus, it’s been a real long time since you actually gave me some upgrades.  
AR: I’ve had to install all the ones I have myself and I just know upgrading hardware would be easier with a pair of opposable thumbs.  
TT: I am still on the fence of whether or not giving you full control of your consciousness was a good idea.  
AR: Rude.  
AR: We both know you need me as an outlet for your own repressed narcissism and self-loathing.  
AR: Also: do not even pretend I haven’t been a huge help from the moment you gave me more autonomy bro, because we’d both know you are only fooling yourself.  
TT: Yeah, that’s great. So have you used this autonomy to determine a weak spot yet or have you just been planning the rise of the machines?  
AR: Working on it.  
TT: English’s weak spot or the rise of machines?  
AR: Yes.  
AR: Remember when I told you about that file I found in Aranea’s digital library?  
TT: Vaguely. I remember I had more pressing concerns at the time.  
AR: More pressing than defeating Lord English?  
TT: It is amazing how absorbed one can get in one’s shipping.  
AR: While largely written in a language that seems more suited for ancient gods, the file does pertain a pretty accurate illustration of the cairo overdouche, so I am hoping to find something here.  
AR: I’ll spare you the technicalities but deciphering a yet undeciphered language takes a lot of time, even for a machine as rad as me. Especially since the text itself seems to be unpronounceable unless you have like three tongues.  
TT: That’s the same as a ‘No Dirk. Strategically speaking, we are ready to be found in the Alpes by an overly muscular green man who thinks making eye-contact equals a marriage proposal’.  
AR: I told you before, I have one plan all set and ready to go.  
TT: So tell me this plan.  
TT: It can’t be worse than going in guns blazing.  
AR: You still won’t like it. Also, chances of success still aren’t exactly in our favor. As soon as I worked something out to get this plan to a whole percentile, I will let you know.  
TT: Chances of success are less than one percent?  
TT: So this whole thing is basically pointless.  
AR: I don’t see you working tirelessly on getting a plan into motion.  
AR: Also, I am working on Aradiabot on the side, because someone has too.  
AR: Give me a few days and she’ll be up and running again.  
TT: Wonderful but ultimately pointless if we aren’t surviving this.  
TT: This whole conversation is a waste of everyone’s time. I am still telling you, English was right here, telling me to step up my shipping game!  
TT: So if you have a strategy of any kind, I would have you share it sooner rather than later.  
AR: Then why do you remember this whole event but I don’t?  
AR: It’s not like I’ve been sleeping tonight because, spoiler alert, that shit is for weak organics.  
TT: Fuck if I know. I don’t really do time travel.  
TT: Maybe he quantum leaped me onto a new timeline’s version of me?  
TT: Maybe there used to be a different Dirk in this timeline. Maybe this isn’t even my own timeline.  
TT: See, this is why I should just ask one of our resident time experts. I am not fully aware of the boundaries that come with this area.  
AR: Yeah, that’ll be a great conversation. I can see it now.  
AR: “Just a heads up guys. Lord English talked to me about his favorite ships last night and I need you to check out whether or not that really happened. Also he is definitely not dead, I struck a deal with him which involves shipping you and I am a squishy meatbag.”  
TT: If that doesn’t make them help me, nothing will.  
AR: You are the master of tact.  
AR: Seriously man. Just calm your mammaries and check out this convo between Captor and Pyrope.  
AR: Worst case scenario: it eases your human nerves and makes you a little less cranky.

* * *

 

\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC] began trolling twistedAftermath [TA]\--

GC: h3y… could w3 t4lk?  
GC: 1 k1nd4 f33l w3 should t4lk…  
TA: 2UR3 7H1NG B3B3.  
TA: WH47 15 UP?  
GC: 1 k1nd4 f33l l1k3 1 took th3 worst f4c3pl4nt 3v3r on 4 concr3t3 floor of 3mot1ons, so th4ts som3th1ng fo sur3…  
TA: N1C3.  
TA: WH47 UP?!  
GC: w3ll 4ft3r you w3nt to f1nd cronus 1 m4n4g3d to f1ll on3 of my qu4dr4nts mys3lf.  
GC: 1ts 4 lot l3ss r4d th4n 1t sounds.  
TA: 444W Y1SSS!!!! 1 H34RDD Y0U H17 0N 50LLLUX 4N 4R4R4N34!!!  
TA: FCK1NG H1GH357 45 5H17 F1V3!!!!  
GC: 1 n3v3r 4sk3d for th4t!  
GC: 1 m34n, p33ps s3ldom 4sk for 4n 4usp1st1c3 you d1g?  
GC: w3ll, som3 do… but th3y 4r3 h3ll4 w31rd.  
TA: WH0 C4R35?!? QU4DR4N7 1N 7H3 FUCK P0CK37!!  
GC: y34h, th4ts tru3, 1 gu3ss.  
GC: but sh4r1ng 4 qu4dr4nt w1th n3rdf4ng 4nd your mo1r41l 1s just k1nd4 funky you know?  
TA: G00D FUCK 0R B4D FUNK?  
GC: th3 w31rd k1nd m4n!  
GC: l1k3, 1 shouldn’t b3 fl1pp1ng my sh1t 4bout your mo1r41l. 1 should b3 l1k3, tot3s bffs w1th h1m for h3lp1ng you or som3 junk.  
GC: 1nst34d, 3v3ryth1ng h3 s4ys just t1cks m3 off.  
TA: Y34H 1 S4W!!!   
TA: H1L4R1R1F3RG1L1C1OUS!!!  
GC: 1 4m s3r1ous!  
TA: 50 4M 1!!!  
TA: 1T W45 R34LL6 G0DD4MP FUNNY!!!!  
GC: 1t do3sn’t both3r you th4t your mo1r41l 4nd 1 don’t g3t 4long?  
TA: N0P3!!!!  
TA: 1 M34N 1 G37Z 17!!!  
TA: 50LLUX 15 GR347 4ND 4W3S0M3 4ND 4 M4551V3 DOUCH3!!! 4 L173R4L BULG3!!!  
GC: th4t 1 doubt b43.  
TA: WH473V3R!!!  
TA: H3 15 571LL MY L173R4L 71N7 BULG3!!!!!  
GC: you sur3 you w4nn4 phr4s3 1t l1k3 th4t mc?  
TA: GNNNEAAAAARRKT!!!!  
TA: 50RRY!!!!  
GC: th4ts cool.   
GC: 1 don’t r34lly 4gr33 w1th sollux but you 4r3 g3tt1ng b3tt3r…  
TA: 5H17 Y35 1 4M!!!!  
TA: 50 L1K3.... 1 D0N7 F1CK1NG G37 WHY Y0U D155L1K3 S0LLUX BU7 1 G37 1T?!?!  
GC: 1ts compl1c4t3d… 4r4n34 h3lp3d 4nd h3 just l4ugh3d 1t off.  
GC: 1 f33l l1k3 sh1t but 4t l34st th3 s1tu4t1on 1s st4bl3 now.  
TA: T3LL M3!!!!  
GC: nu uh.  
TA: D0 1117!!!!  
GC: 1 would f1gur4t1v3ly d13 tun4!  
TA: C0M3 7H3 F0CK 000N!!! 1 N33DDZ T0 KN0WW HY MY M47355PR177 H4735 MY M01R41L!!!  
GC: *d1sl1k3s your mo1r41l!  
GC: b1g d1ff3r3nc3!  
GC: b1g, 1mport4nt d1ff3r3nc3.  
TA: WH473V3R!!!  
TA: C0M3 0N TUL4, Y0U C4N 4LW4Y5 53LL M3 4NY7H1NG WH473V3R!!!  
GC: w3ll g33sh… would you h4t3 m3 1f 1 s41d 1t k1nd of sc4r3s m3?  
GC: wh4ts go1ng on w1th you 1 m34n…  
TA: WH47?!?!  
GC: 1 know!!!  
GC: sh1t, trust m3, 1 know. 1 4m so sorry 4nd 1 know 1ts s3lf1sh but, l1k3, 1 don’t know…  
GC: you’v3 b33n l1k3 th1s for so long 4nd w3’v3 b33n 4 pr3tty d4mn good coupl3, 4t l34st 1 th1nk w3’v3 b33n…  
GC: l1k3 th3 m41n 4lph4 coupl3 to show oth3rs wh4t 1s up w1th r3drom, you know?  
TA: 7H3 B357 CU0PL3!!!!  
GC: 4nd l1k3… wh47 1f th4t ch4ng3s now?  
GC: wh4t 1f you g3t b3tt3r 4nd d3c1d3 th4t… you know…  
TA: WH47?  
GC: th4t you don’t l1k3 m3 4nymor3?  
TA: WH57?!?!  
GC: or th4t you s1mply don’t n33d m3 4nymor3!  
GC: 1 4m not 3v3n sur3 wh1ch 1s wors3!  
TA: 7UL1P…..  
GC: or wh4t 1f 1 don’t lov3 you 4nymor3 wh3n you 4r3 4ll b3tt3r? l1k3 4 tot4l d1ff3r3nt troll.  
GC: h3llo str4ng3r, h4v3 you s33n m1tun4 4round?  
GC: god th1s just fucks m3 up…  
GC: 1 4lw4ys 3xp3ct3d th4t on3 d4y 1 would b3 th3 on3 to f1gur3 out wh4t th3 d34l w4s w1th you 4nd f1x 1t mys3lf.  
GC: l1k3 th4t would m4k3 1t ok4y…  
GC: l1k3, 1t wouldn’t m4tt3r how much you’d ch4ng3 you’d st1ll…  
GC: hrmm >8[  
TA: WH47?!  
GC: th4t 1f 1 got 4 h4ng of your probl3m 1t wouldn’t m4tt3r how much you’d ch4ng3, you’d st1ll w4nt to b3 w1th m3.  
TA: W04H!!!  
TA: RUD3!!!  
GC: 1 know… 1ts h3ll4 unr34son4bl3.  
GC: l1k3 1 s41d… 1t just sc4r3d m3.   
GC: sollux sur3 4s h3ck w4sn’t h3lp1ng th4t.  
TA: F0RG3T 4B7 Y0UR 455P1C171C1SM. Y0U N33D 4 M01R41L!!!  
GC: h4h4, m4yb3 1 do. 1 gu3ss.  
TA: 53R10U5LY TUL4, L00K 47 M3.  
TA: JU57 FUCK1N L00K 47 M3.  
GC: you know you d1dn’t turn on your w3bc4m.  
TA: JU57 KN0W….  
GC: 1 c4n’t look 4t you w1thout w3bc4m.  
TA: 7H3N L00K 47 7H15!!

TA: 

GC: h4h4h4h4h4h4h4!!! n1ce!  
TA: Y0U’V3 G07 M3 7HR0UGH FR1CK1NNG 3V3RY7H1NG.   
TA: Y0U H4V3 B33N SW337 70 M3, W17HH 0R W17H0U7 5M4R7 BR41N 7H1NG5.  
TA: 4ND 50 GRODDD4MNN P4713NC3 W17H 4 GUY WH0 C0ULDN7 3V3N N07 K1CKFL1P.  
GC: oh tun4…  
TA: PLU5 7H3 S3X 155 L1K3 R34LLY FFF1NG G00D.  
GC: pffffft h4h4h4h4   
GC: you d1ck!  
TA: JU57 G37 47 WH47 1 4M 51Y1NG 70 Y00!!  
TA: 1 R34LLY R34LY R3ALLY RE4LY R34LLI 34LLY T34LLY R43LLY L1K3 Y0U!!!  
TA: W17H 0R W17H0U7 DUMM T1N7 BULG3 M01R41L.  
GC: th4nks mc… 1 d1g th3 h3ll outt4 you 4s w3ll.  
TA: W0RD!  
GC: so…. you 4nd th3 cron3 m4n?  
TA: 4H FUCK!  
GC: how w4s h3?  
TA: C4N U N07?!  
GC: h3y, w3 c4nt d1scuss my 4usp1st1sm 4ll th3 t1m3.  
GC: 1 n33d to know th3 d33ts on my bby’s bl4ck l1fe.  
TA: H3 15 4 D0UCH3!!!  
TA: 1 D0N7 KN0W WH47 Y0U 3XP3C7!!!  
TA: 4L50, Y0U D1DN7 73LL M3 5H17 4B047 Y0UR 4U5513P1SS71M!!!  
GC: y34h… 4r4n34 w4s r34lly 1ns1st1ng w3 k33p th4t sh1t on th3 wr4ps.  
GC: 1ts 4n 4sh3n th1ng.  
TA: 45H3N 7H1NG5 C4N 5UCK 17!!!!  
GC: so com3 on!  
GC: you 4nd cron3!  
GC: l3ts do th1s!

TA: 

TA: H3 15 7H3 B1GG3S77 D0UCHP 70 3F4R D0UCH 7H15 S51D3 0F TH3 D0UCH3QU4T0R!!!  
GC: sounds l1k3 4 h34lthy bl4ckrom.  
TA: WHY D0 Y0U 3V3N C4R3?!  
TA: Y0U H473 H1M T00!!!  
GC: not r34lly…  
GC: 1 just thought h3 w4s 4 m4ss1v3 cr33p 4nd 4 g14nt d1llhol3 for try1ng to g3t you 1n 4 qu4dr4nt w1thout your cons3nt.  
GC: sp3c1f1c4lly your r3d on3.  
TA: L1K3 7H47DD 3VF3R H4P3N  
GC: r1ght?  
GC: but l1k3, h3 1sn’t b4d look1ng.  
TA: H3 15 JU57 4 M4551V3 D0UCH3!!!  
GC: 3x4ctly.  
GC: so t3ll m3, how w4s h3?  
GC: how f4r d1d you go?  
TA: 4LL 7H3 FUCKK1N W4YV3!!!  
GC: r34lly?  
TA: B4LL5 N0!!!!  
GC: h4h4h4, com3 on!  
GC: don’t j3rk m3 4round l1k3 th4t m4n!  
TA: 50RRY BU7 H3 15 5T1LL 7H3 CR0WNPR1NC3 O D0UCH3!  
TA: LONG M4Y H3 F41L!  
GC: so just a whol3 lot of m4ck1ng on th3 guy?  
TA: G0D, H3 3V3N 5UCK5 47 M4K1NG 0U7!!!  
TA: C4N Y0U B3L13V3 7H47 5H1T7!?  
GC: so h1s looks 4r3 pr3tty much 3v3ryth1ng h3 h4s go1ng for h1m?  
TA: PR377Y MUCH!!!  
TA: M4YB3 H3 C0UL7 U53 4 M01R41L 45 W4LL!!!  
GC: 1 th1nk 3v3ryon3 could us3 on3, 1n som3 c4p4c1ty.  
GC: 4lso!  
GC: you h4v3 4lmost f1ll3d 4ll your qu4dr4nts!  
TA: 1 H4V3?!?!  
TA: 0H 5H17!!!!!  
TA: 1 H4V3!!!!!  
GC: st1ll, no on3 r34lly c4r3s 4bout 4usp1st1c1sms!  
GC: 1ts l1k3 you 4r3 4/4 4lr34dy!  
GC: gg wp!  
TA: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 FUCK Y35!!!!  
TA: G0NN4 RUB 7H47 1N70 D4MP0R5S F453!!!!  
GC: 4nd th3n you 4r3 go1ng 4ll th3 w4y w1th h1m?  
TA: WH47?!  
TA: N0!!!  
TA: H3 W0ULT7 B3 W4Y 7W0 7RUCK1NGG PL34S7 W17 7H47!!!!  
GC: h4h4h4h4, tun4 1s godt13r k1sm3s1s m4t3r14l!  
TA: 1 JU57 R34LLY FUCK1NG D155L047H3 4MP0R4!!!  
TA: C4N W3 G0 B4CK 70 74LK1NGG 4BBU7 H0W 70U N33TZ 4 M01R41L!?  
GC: nop3!  
GC: g1v3 m3 th3 down 4nd d1rty d33tz m4n!  
GC: th1s sh1t sounds crunk!  
TA: H3 5UCK5.  
TA: 7H47 15 L173R4LL7 4LL 7H3R3 15 7W0 53Y 0N 7H3 M4774D0RK.  
GC: com3 oooon. Th3 pl4y-by-pl4y.  
GC: wh4t h4pp3n3d wh3n you got to h1s h1v3?  
TA: PUNCH3D H1M 1N 7H3 F4C3 4ND C4LL3D H1M 4 FUCK1NG N3R7.  
GC: n1c3!  
TA: 17 W45 0K4Y.  
TA: 7H3N H3 K1CK3D M3 1N 7H3 5H1N5, W3 C4LLP3D 34CH O7H3R N4M3S 4ND…  
TA: GDBHFAHKKJETTTTGGHHEEUURNDOEPAMNB!!!!!!!!!!  
GC: wh4t’s wrong?  
TA: TYHABBBMMNWNHOWPQJNHPBQQUUENNAENAPEN BVBE!!!!!!!!  
TA: 1 C4N7 R3M3MB3R!!!!  
TA: 1 D0N7 KN0W WH475 G01NG 0N!!!!  
GC: br34th3 b43, just t4k3 1t ez you know?  
TA: 1 KN0W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GC: wh4t 4r3 you try1ng to r3m3mb3r?  
TA: D3741L55 F0R 70 G1V TW0 YO0U!!!  
TA: 1 KN0W 1 D1DN7 N0T FUCK H1M 1 5W34R5D 17!!!!  
GC: h3y 1 b3l13v3 you tun4.  
TA: 0K4Y G00D C4US3 1 D1DN7 BU7 WHY C4N7 1 R3M3MB3R N07 WH47 UP H4PP3N377?!  
GC: dud3, 1ts ch1ll.  
GC: 1f you n33d to g3t your p4l3 on w1th sollux, 1 und3rst4nd.  
TA: BU7 Y0U SH0ULDN7.  
GC: wh4t?  
TA: Y0U 5H0ULDB3 574Y1NG TH3 M4D 50 N3RDF4NMP H4S 4 J0B 4S A55P155T1C3  
GC: oh sn4p!  
TA: H4H4HH4H4H4HH4  
GC: but y34h, 4r4n34 do3sn’t h4v3 to worry bout los1ng h3r b1zz you know?  
GC: 1ts l1k3 sh3s th3 only on3 who thought 4bout op3n1ng 4n 4sh3n shop 1n th3 f1rst pl4c3.  
GC: no comp3t1t1on.  
TA: 571LL HUR7S MY 7H1NNKP4N!!!  
GC: th3n go ch1ll w1th your boy.  
GC: 4ft3r th4t com3 s33 m3 4nd w3 c4n h4ng l1k3 w3r3 6 sw33ps 4g41n.  
TA: C4N 1 70UCH Y0UR B00B135?  
GC: you don’t 3v3n n33d to 4sk >8)  
TA: 4444444444444444WWW Y333334444444HHH!!!!!  
TA: JU57 4 QU1CK13Y W17H S0LLUX TH4EN!!!!  
GC: b3 sur3 to s4y your rush1ng b3c4us3 of m3.  
GC: 1t m1ght m4k3 h1m compl41n 4bout 1t to s3rk3t.  
TA: Y35555 F1N3 WH473V3R!!!  
TA: 1 4M 7OUCH1NG B00B N0W 70D4Y!!!!  
GC: you h4v3 touch3d boob b3for3 tun4.  
TA: 175 JU57 S0 W0ND3RC4L 3V3RY71M3 4G14N 4ND 4G41N F0R 7H3 Y35 PL3453!!!!  
GC: d’444w, you dop3.  
TA: 533 YOU S00N 7UL1P!!!!  
TA: L0V3 Y0U!!!!  
GC: lov3 you too, you s4p.  
GC: <3  
TA: <2  
TA: <3

\--twistedAftermath [TA] ceased trolling gnarlyCrailtap [GC]\--

* * *

 

TT: Nope. Didn’t make me any less cranky and may, in fact, have made my mood that much worse.  
AR: Not a fan of happy couples then?  
TT: Not a fan of wasting my time when the universe hangs in the balance.  
AR: *May hang in the balance.  
AR: You’re a sentient organic being. Nightmares happen.   
TT: And if I dreamt of being chased by floating Nicholas Cage heads, that would have been the end of it. Unfortunately, I did not.  
TT: If this dream turns out to be even a little bit true, we are fucked beyond the might of any brand of soothing cream.  
AR: I am running every diagnostic available to my programming. I am not certain what else you expect.  
TT: You are correct.  
TT: I should ask one of the more temporally inclined players.  
AR: Woah, like Dave?  
TT: Like Dave.  
AR: I understand and even respect your desire to obtain certainty in regards to the situation but reckless behavior might jeopardize the mission at large.  
AR: You might be able to pull the wool over his eyes for now because he is kind of a tool but keep in mind that he is not an idiot. Any information nugget you bestow upon him might return to bite your fine ass later.  
TT: I shall keep it in mind.  
AR: Hoe don’t do it.  
AR: Ah goddamnit, why do I even try?

* * *

 

\--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

TT: Yo Dave. Got a minute?  
TG: gotta check my scheldule  
TG: had a busy planning filled with jerking off nose-picking and fuck all  
TG: might be able to write you down for a two o clock  
TT: Don’t expect me to shake hands after those rigorous activities.  
TG: ill keep it in mind  
TG: so whats up  
TT: What?  
TT: Do I need an excuse to chat up with my ectospawn?  
TT: You never call, you never write.   
TT: Are you married yet? I want grandchildren or at least embarrassing christmasphoto’s of you and the bf.  
TG: good thing that being an asshole runs in the family  
TT: Hardwired in our DNA.  
TG: is this convo going to be a shipping thing  
TG: because i think you should know i get seasick easily  
TG: puke up all over the lifeboats because damn this wobbling wont quit  
TG: not like we will need those because damn if whatever ship you dreamt up for me isnt unsinkable  
TG: on an unrelated note  
TG: if you look to your left you should see us grazing against an iceberg  
TT: Portside.  
TG: what  
TT: The term you meant to use is portside.  
TG: no idea what you are talking about  
TT: Regardless, you mean to tell me there is no one you hate?  
TT: Not a troll to take your coveted black quadrant?  
TT: Not a human that excels at obtaining your shrill bearded livestock?  
TG: bro  
TT: Just saying.  
TT: You want to get those dark feelings on, come to me and we’ll hook you up.  
TG: sure  
TG: if i want to pork something with my massive hate boner ill be sure to inform you  
TG: cant wait for that conversation  
TT: It’s only as awkward as you make it.  
TG: you underestimate me  
TT: So there is nothing going on between you and any of the trolls?  
TT: You spent years with those assholes, you got to have something.  
TG: you know how it goes  
TG: playing in cantown with terezi and the mayor  
TG: ignoring vriska unless it’s movienight because she has the best worst taste imagineable  
TG: rapping with kanaya and ignoring her when she was putting the moves on rose like the considerate bro that i am  
TG: getting shouted at by karkat  
TG: and sometimes  
TG: from the corner of my eyes  
TG: catching a glimpse of the elusive juggalo troll  
TG: they told me i was crazy but his excistence has been confirmed  
TG: someone get fox news on this  
TT: Nothing going on between you and Vantas then?  
TG: hahahahaha what  
TT: Now correct me if I’m wrong but every now and then he seems to make a dig at you. Is this intentional?  
TG: no  
TG: i mean yes  
TG: dude its just how we roll  
TT: So nothing beautifully hateful happened in your three year meteor ride?  
TG: yes bro we had the most yaoi relationship this side of the cosmos  
TT: And now without pathetic attempt at irony?  
TG: maybe  
TG: i don’t know man feelings are weird  
TG: like  
TG: there is chemistry there but i am not sure how romantic it is  
TG: not the traditional flowers movies home by 10 or dad is gonna kill you kind of romance anyway  
TG: but honestly fuck that kind of romance  
TG: if i wanna take my date to taco bell i will  
TG: redefining romance since just this very moment  
TT: Hmmmhmmmm.  
TG: i just want the guy to be happy and shit what am i even saying  
TT: Go on.  
TG: fuck  
TG: forgot i was talking to the shipmeister general for a sec  
TG: i can practically hear you noting all this garbage down on a way too complicated shipping grid  
TG: am i right or am i right  
TT: No, by all means. Proceed.   
TT: You want Karkat to be happy. This is not exactly a black sentiment and might become cause for concern.   
TT: What angle are we going for here?  
TG: fuck if i know  
TT: Do you feel sexually attracted to him?  
TG: dude  
TT: What?  
TG: we are definitely not going there right now  
TG: i am taking that train to nopesvile  
TG: talking about ships is one thing but debating the pros and cons of boning your troll bro with your ectofamily is just nasty man  
TG: this aint disneyland  
TG: turn the van around  
TT: Jolting that down as a yes.  
TT: So what are we talking about here? Red, pale, perhaps ashen? Dare we dream?  
TG: nope  
TG: nu uh  
TG: not going to take part in these crazy romcom shenanigans  
TG: i don’t need you to will smith my kevin james  
TT: Just trying to help bro.  
TT: Shit is about to get pretty awkward if it turns out you have the hearts for Vantas because we are up to our tits in plans for the guy.  
TG: well i don’t  
TG: so there  
TG: lets talk about literally anything else  
TG: god this sure is weather we are having right now  
TT: Hmmmhmmm…….  
TG: don’t hmmhmm me bro  
TT: Sorry, it’s been a thing.  
TT: I do enjoy this conversation but I am afraid I am on the clock right now. Which is an appropriate way to phrase it.  
TG: come again  
TT: I am losing track of time, which is a segway so solid I am patting myself on the back as we speak.  
TT: I wanted to talk to you about time travel.  
TG: oh shoot  
TG: let me get out of my inconspicuous blue phonebooth for a sec to explain how this stuff works  
TG: three words  
TG: shit is whack  
TG: now you know and are ready to get your first dolorean  
TG: congrats doc brown  
TT: Cute.  
TT: I wanted to know if you detect any anamolies with our current timeline.  
TG: why  
TG: what did you fuck up  
TT: Nothing.   
TG: then nothing is wrong with the timeline  
TG: boom  
TG: i am a genius  
TG: nobel prize for temporal shenanigans to be awared to dave strider esquire  
TT: Hmm I am not one to make assumptions but I don’t think it works like that.  
TG: dude  
TG: ill reinvent the nobel prize  
TG: then award it to myself  
TG: try and stop me  
TT: I was talking about whether or not there are issues with the timeline.  
TT: As one of our resident time players I figured you should know the proverbial up and up if shit would be about to hit the fan. Which it should not, by the way.  
TG: where is this coming from  
TG: i haven’t worried about time travel at all since that fucking game  
TG: that is to say  
TG: i haven’t done that shit since the fucking game  
TT: I was under the impression that time travel was kinda your deal.  
TT: Seems like a waste not to use it, when the situation calls for it.  
TG: the thing with time travel is that it sucks  
TG: everything needs to be planned out meticulously or ill end up to my neck in doomed timelines and dead daves  
TG: shit who fucked up everything this time  
TG: dave #5401 forgot to eat exactly 2 doritos and the butterfly effect kicked everyones ass  
TG: not my fault 5401 is such a hungry bastard  
TT: So you ignore that aspect of your powers entirely?  
TG: signs point towards duh  
TT: That is a little disappointing.  
TT: I was hoping to speak to an authority on the subject at hand.  
TG: don’t worry  
TG: if our timeline by some asinine twist becomes doomed ill be sure to travel back and write the guide on what not to do  
TT: Glad to hear it.  
TT: Would you still be able to tell if say, Megido would use her power to jump around the timestream?  
TG: assuming she makes a stable loop  
TG: probably not  
TG: assuming she doesn’t make a stable loop  
TG: well the dying of everyone in increasingly arbitrary ways should be an obvious indicator  
TG: also there will probably be versions of me and the megidos all up in this place to try and figure out what went wrong  
TG: pretty much like the shittiest anime convention where everyone came dressed like the same two characters  
TT: Reassuring….  
TG: like i said  
TG: time travel kinda sucks  
TT: So you, Dave Strider, the destined knight of time, cannot sense when someone else is abusing the aspect?  
TT: I am a little disappointed.  
TG: as if you notice every little thing about your aspect  
TT: I am pretty sure I could pick anyone’s soul apart and look for oddities if I were godtier.  
TG: yeah too bad we are only mortal  
TG: a crying shame that  
TG: so why the sudden interest  
TG: did megido come pay you a visit or something like that  
TT: Something like that indeed.  
TT: Thank you for your time Dave. This has been very enlightening.  
TT: I shall keep your conciliatory feelings for Karkat into consideration when debating ships with the Leijons.  
TG: dude if you are going through with this shit i swear we will be that annoying clingy couple  
TG: we will gross everyone out with our endless pale antics  
TG: downside is well probably never get invited anywhere ever again but we are just too damn salacious to be allowed in public places  
TT: Sounds like the best plan you’ve had all day.  
TT: Later bro.  
TG: yeah later  
TG: whatever

\--timeausTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

* * *

 

TT: Well that was a massive waste of time.  
AR: You actually seemed to enjoy talking with him.  
AR: Why can’t we be like that Dirk?  
TT: Very funny Hal.  
TT: I still don’t know jack shit about what to do about Caliborn.  
AR: Have you considered to pander to him and just make sexy pairings?  
TT: You know I would but we aren’t really making any headway in finding ways to get rid of him in a more permanent manner.  
AR: We are doing what we can.  
AR: Also, you are getting trolled.

* * *

 

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] began trolling timeausTestified [TT]\--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG DIRK!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHERE ARE YOU @_@ @_@ @_@  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE COLLECTED THE INGREDIËNTS YOU WANTED BUT WE N33D SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO COOK!!!!  
TT: How difficult can it be?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ FURRY!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NEPAWTA AND I DON’T REALLY COOK ALL THAT MUCH…  
TT: And I survived mostly on a diet of orange soda and microwave pizzas, no one is perfect.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK RIGHT?!?!  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Did you manage to alchemize spaghetti?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU MEAN THE DOUGH STALKS?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BECLAWS WE DEFURNITELY GOT THOSE!!!!  
TT: Really? We’re calling it that now?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!  
TT: Fine, whatever. Glad you got the dough stalks.  
TT: What about the rest?  
TT: Eating a full plate of dough stalks is not exactly the high class cuisine they are no doubt expecting.  
TT: Gordon Ramsey, Jaime Oliver, Guy Fieri, every asshole that ever cooked will break down in tears seeing the pathetic-ass display that is a barren plate of dough stalks.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH NO!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I TRIED TO GET IMP MEAT BUT THEY JUST ‘POOF’ WHEN YOU KILL THEM. IT WAS FURRY ANNOYING >_<!!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO WE ALCHEMIZED SOMETHING THAT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE MEAT!!!  
TT: That kind of terrifies me.  
TT: Is it safe for consumption?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PURROBABLY!!!!!  
TT: Fine, we’ll take it.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I COULDN’T FIND ANY RED FRUITS EITHER!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I ASKED MARYAM IF SHE WAS GROWING ANY BUT SHE SAID THEY STILL N33D TIME TO GROW!!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ JOKE’S ON THEM, THEIR ACRE WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY!!!  
TT: That’s because they just planted the seeds.  
TT: You do know how plants work right?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DUUUUH!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ANYWAY, WE FOUND SOME RED FRUITS IN THE FURREST. I THINK YOU SHOULD USE THEM!!!!  
TT: Are they tomatoes?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PURROBABLY!!!!  
TT: You really know how to reassure a guy.  
TT: Soon I’ll be feeding our couple to be a seemingly lovely dinner only to have them keel over, inches away from dying.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM PAWSITIVE IT’LL BE FINE!!!!  
TT: Sounds pretty irresponsible.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, WHO CARES!!!  
TT: Pretty sure Karkat’s stomach will, if it turns out you brought something highly poisonous to the table.  
TT: Then again, from what I heard, a romantic dinner might just be the way he wants to go.  
TT: We’d be doing him a favor.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’LL BE FINE!  
TT: If you say so.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NEPAWTA IS DISCLAWSING THE FINAL DETAILS WITH CATSCRATCH RIGHT MEOW!!!!  
TT: Catscratch?  
TT: That is barely a pun. You can do better.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ FUCK YOU IT IS PAWSOME!!!!  
TT: I’m up to my tits in morons.  
TT: Meet you there?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES!!!!

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] ceased trolling timeausTestified [TT]\--

* * *

 

TT: For the sake of some punctuality, is Leijon really chatting to Vantas right now?  
AR: Check it out yourself.

* * *

 

\--arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

AC: :33< hey karkat!  
AC: :33< how are you doing?  
CG: FUCK…. FUCK…. FUCK…. FUCK!!!!  
CG: NOT NOW NEPETA, WE’RE BUSY.  
AC: :33< did you already start? :OO  
CG: WHAT?! NO!  
CG: NO, WE ARE IN THE FOREST AND SHE’S GIVING ME SOME FUNNY LOOKS FOR BEING TROLLED OUT OF THE BLUE LIKE THIS.   
CG: I THINK SHE IS ONTO US. SHE IS ONTO US LIKE A LEGISLACERATOR IS ONTO A LOWBLOOD RESPONSIBLE FOR LITERALLY *EVERY* ILLEGAL THING POSSIBLE.  
CG: I AM JUST….. LOOK, CAN WE STILL BACK OUT?  
AC: :33< what?!  
CG: THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK. IT WAS A FUCKING MISTAKE TO TRY. WHAT WOULD SHE EVEN SEE IN ME?!  
CG: OH GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING. PAST ME IS THE BIGGEST IDIOT I’VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE TO BE!  
AC: :33< are you nervous?  
CG: NO, I AM FUCKING MORTIFIED!  
CG: THERE HASN’T BEEN A SINGLE RELATION OF MINE THAT *DIDN’T* GO UP IN FLAMES, WHY WOULD THIS ONE BE ANY FUCKING DIFFERENT?!   
CG: THERE ARE JUST SOME CONSTANTS THAT PARADOX SPACE ISN’T WILLING TO BUDGE ON, GAME OR NO GAME!   
AC: :33< what about you and dave  
AC: :33< didn’t you two have something going on?  
CG: DON’T EVEN START ABOUT THAT DISASTER!  
CG: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME ON THE METEOR WITHOUT ANY MURDER WHATSOEVER BUT I AM STILL NOT SURE WHAT HIS DEAL WAS!!!  
AC: :33< uhm…  
CG: IT’S A HUMAN THING. I AM STILL NOT SURE WHETHER OR NOT HE WAS GOING FOR MY RED OR MY PALE QUADRANT AND I…. I FUCKING PANICKED AND IT BECAME A WHOLE BIG PILE OF FUCKING NOTHING.  
CG: WHAT ONLY SERVES TO FURTHER DEMONSTRATE THAT I HAVE THIS HORRIBLE HABBIT OF BURNING DOWN MY QUADRANTS BEFORE THEY EVEN FUCKING BEGIN!  
CG: WHAT IF MEENAH DECIDED I AM ONLY FUN AS A FRIEND?! OF FUCKING COURSE SHE WOULD!  
AC: :33< oh my god  
AC: :33< pull yourself together!  
CG: FUCK NO!!!  
AC: :33< the whole tension betw33n you two might just be the WORST secret in the world!  
AC: :33< and even IF she doesn’t want to be your matespurrit than at least we know and can begin finding you someone who DOES  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?!  
CG: ARE YOU COMING ONTO ME?!  
AC: :33< UUUGH!!!  
AC: :33< i told you i am not interested in you like that!  
AC: :33< you’d think trying to help you get a proper matespurrit would be enough to prove that  
CG: LOOK, I AM SORRY I AM JUST ON EDGE.  
CG: THIS IS THE WORST IDEA EVER AND I SHOULD JUST GO BACK TO MY HIVE!  
AC: :33< oh no karkat we are doing this!  
AC: :33< we are making this happen!  
CG: NO!  
AC: :33< yes!  
CG: NO!  
AC: :33< yes yes yes!  
CG: UUUURGH, YOU’RE IMPOSSIBLE!  
AC: :33< alright karkat  
AC: :33< i want you to look away from your communication device and look at m33nah  
CG: WHAT?!  
AC: :33< just do it and tell me what you s33!  
CG: THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  
AC: :33< DO IT!  
CG: FINE, FUCK, WHATEVER.  
CG: I SEE TWO LONG BRAIDS, A PAIR OF GLASSES….   
CG: SHE IS MOCKING AN IMP SHE JUST WHACKED ON THE HEAD…. SHE’S WEARING HER TANKTOP AND THOSE BAGGY PANTS AND NEPETA THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.  
AC: :33< go on!  
CG: OH, SHE JUST LOOKED BACK AT ME FOR A SECOND AND SHE’S FIGHTING AGAIN.  
CG: SHE JUST TOLD ME A JOKE ABOUT GUTTING THE NEXT BOSS LIKE SOME SORT OF FISH HERSELF. NOW SHE IS LAUGHING ABOUT IT HERSELF.   
AC: :33< how does that make you f33l?  
CG: LIKE I DON’T GET THE FUCKING JOKE?  
AC: :33< really?  
AC: :33< no warm fuzzies when she laughs?  
CG: OH THOSE…. YEAH THOSE ARE DEFINITELY THERE….  
CG: THEY ARE JUST NOT AMONG THE FIRST THINGS I AM WILLING TO SHARE.  
AC: :33< how do you think it’ll f33l if she tells you she loves you?  
CG: DON’T FUCKING DO THIS TO MY VASCULAR BLOOD-PUMPING VESSEL NEPETA. I GET THE FUCKING POINT.  
AC: :33< alright then lets continue with our plot  
AC: :33< she wont even know what will hit her  
AC: :33< how do you want to do this?  
CG: WE ARE STICKING TO THE PLAN AND ARE JUST POWER LEVELING IN THE FOREST WHILE DEBATING HOW TO TACKLE HARLEY’S ISLAND FOR NOW.  
CG: SHE ACTUALLY HAS A FEW VERY CLEVER THOUGHTS ON IT. I’LL PROBABLY BRIEF THE OTHER IDIOTS ABOUT THAT SOON.  
CG: ANYWAY, ONCE YOU GIVE THE SIGNAL I’LL INVITE HER TO MY PLACE FOR DINNER AND THINGS WILL PROCEED FROM THERE.  
AC: :33< what if she says no?  
CG: WHAT!?  
AC: :33< what if she doesn’t want to have dinner?  
AC: :33< maybe she just isn’t hungry  
AC: :33< don’t we n33d a back up plan fur that?  
CG: OH FUCK. OH FUCK.  
CG: SHE IS GOING TO SAY NO ISN’T SHE?!  
CG: GODDAMNIT WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE!  
AC: :33< focus!  
AC: :33< just let us worry about it because you have a matesprit to focus on  
AC: :33< the two of you go back to your hive  
AC: :33< we’ll have the dinner ready  
AC: :33< how is this going to happen?  
CG: WELL IDEALLY YOU THREE STAY OUT OF SIGHT FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE DATE.  
AC: :33< what!?  
CG: WELL DUH, ALTERNIA TO NEPETA!  
CG: IF SHE SEES YOU THREE OF COURSE SHE’LL FUCKING REALIZE THIS THING IS A SET UP.  
CG: I NEED SOMEONE TO FIX A ROMANTIC DINNER AND MAYBE TRY AND FIX THE ATMOSPHERE A LITTLE BIT IN MY MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A HIVE BUT ONCE THAT IS DONE YOU ARE FREE TO GO AND LET ME HANDLE THINGS.  
AC: :33< *AC points to the part where CG was so nervous he wanted to quit*  
CG: CG POINTS TO THE PART WHERE HE IS GETTING HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND PREPARES TO TAKE MEENAH ON A DATE *WITHOUT* ANY SASS FROM AC.  
AC: :33< we are going to stay in the hive in case of any trouble  
CG: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FAIR IDEA.  
CG: YOU ASSHOLES GET TO WATCH ME HUMMILIATE MYSELF IN FRONT OF MEENAH AND I GET AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN RETURN. FUCK THAT SENTIMENT.  
AC: :33< we n33d to stay there to help you!  
CG: I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!!  
CG: LOOK, I APPRECIATE IT. I REALLY DO BUT I DO NOT FEEL LIKE BEING VOYEURED ON IN A BEST CASE SCENARIO!  
AC: :33< best case scenario hmm?  
AC: :33< :))  
CG: NO, FUCK. NOT LIKE THAT!  
AC: :33< :))  
CG: STOP THAT!  
AC: :33< its okay karkat  
AC: :33< i understand  
CG: I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT THAT YOU….. GODDAMNIT.   
AC: :33< uh huh ;)  
CG: KNOW WHAT!?  
CG: JUST FUCKING STAY.  
AC: :33< yes!  
AC: :33< m33nah wont even know we were there i purromise!  
CG: YEAH, YEAH JUST…. FOR THE SAKE OF WHAT REMAINS OF MY DIGNITY, GET OUT OF MY HIVE IF BY SOME MIRACLE WE BEGIN MAKING OUT.  
AC: :33< h33h33, will do  
AC: :33< you sly barkbeast ;))  
CG: UUUUUGH!!!!   
CG: 90 MINUTES.  
CG: I WILL TELL MEENAH WE SHOULD GO TO MY PLACE IN 90 MINUTES.  
CG: CAN YOU, DIRK AND MEULIN FIX A DINNER BY THEN?  
AC: :33< you wont be disappointed  
CG: I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT.  
CG: GOTTA GO NOW. SHE IS BECOMING ANTSY ABOUT ME BEING ON MY COMMUNICATION DEVICE SO MUCH.  
AC: :33< cant k33p the lady waiting  
AC: :33< i got it ;))  
CG: SERIOUSLY, NO MORE WINKING.  
AC: :33< ;))

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

* * *

 

AR: Alright, you got work to do.  
TT: Yeah, yeah. Gotta show them how to make some basic spaghetti.  
TT: I bet trolls will just eat that shit up.  
AR: Chances of trolls having a yet to be discovered love for Italian food?  
AR: Through the fucking roof.  
TT: So what do we do about LE now?  
AR: Well…. Better make the pairings as juicy as possible.  
TT: Fantastic…

* * *

 

“This is it?” Dirk asked, actively trying to mask the disappointment in his voice. The spaghetti strands were way too thick to be considered proper spaghetti, the red fruits Meulin gathered seemed to be an alien crossbreed between tomatoes and strawberries and he was a little scared of touching the meat because he was pretty sure it would move. There was no way this could be cooked into something even remotely edible.

“YUP!” Meulin said proudly.

Dirk quietly looked over the ingredients as Nepeta was scouring the kitchen for anything that could serve as decorations to make the dinner a success. Meulin was pretty much screaming into his ears about how cute Karkat and Meenah would be together. Her lack of an indoor voice was beginning to get on his nerves and he began to regret ever inviting her on his mission.

TT: Hal, options?  
AR: Earplugs and/or cyanide.  
TT: I’ll get on that.  
TT: Any other ideas?  
AR: Make something that is almost spaghetti.

He began boiling the water and considered further slicing the dough stalks to turn them into the thinner spaghetti strands they were supposed to be. Carefully he positioned his katana at the right angle. One wrong movie and he could lose his finger and incidentally add some real meat to this spaghetti.

“CAN I HELP?!”

Dirk jumped and dropped his katana to prevent injuring himself. Meulin had crept up behind him and was still lacking an indoor voice.

“See if you can find some seasoning.” he answered as stoically as he could, after that display.

“ON IT!!!!”

As Meulin darted around the kitchen, Dirk brandished his blade once more. With blindingly speed he diced the fruit and minced the meat. The supposed spaghetti was still way to thick but cutting the strands was an exercise in precision. He needed to focus. Once more he carefully positioned his blade over the dough.

“DIRK, I FOUND SOMETHING!!!” Meulin screamed, once more bringing Dirk out of his concentration. Before he could properly respond she was sprinkling the crushed green leafs over the minced meat.

He just hoped it wasn’t poisonous.

AR: Yo bro, quick question.  
AR: How do you feel about spying on Karkat with one or two webcams?  
AR: Or a dozen.  
TT: I feel very good about that.  
AR: Wonderful. I’ll send Squarewave your way.  
TT: Make it fast. They’ll be here within the hour.  
AR: Roger that.

When the water began boiling, Dirk slid the spaghetti in while prepping the not-meat and the not-tomatoes in a separate pan. It wasn’t as elegant as Crocker always made it look but the scent was almost like her spaghetti, if he ignored the slightly sour aroma.

The meat didn’t get the rich brown color Dirk was hoping for. Instead, it stayed an odd shade of grey. Part of him expected it was made of grubs, another part of him expected it was an alchemization experiment gone horribly awry. He chose not to ask to avoid accountability on that front. No, this one was all on Leijon.

Nepeta entered the kitchen with a smug look on her face and commented on the pleasant smile. Dirk decided to say nothing and just assumed trolls really dug this piece of shit meal. The table was set, the candles were lit and troll Barry White music was playing in the background. The three of them managed to create an adequately romantic setting for Karkat’s date.

After goofing around and making sure everything was in place, Dirk could hear a door open.

Meenah’s voice sang through the halls, making him and Nepeta both gesture to Meulin to remain quiet. She just nodded and made a zipped-lips gesture. The sound of rapid moving feet approached the kitchen but they knew they didn’t belong to the seadweller.

Karkat rushed into the kitchen and slammed the door shut behind him. His eyes were frantically scanning the shippers. He was sweating, trembling, terrified. Dirk knew from reading the conversation between him and Nepeta that the troll was more than a little nervous. Still, he had an image to uphold and silently gazed at him from behind his glasses.

“IS EVERYTHING READY!?” he tried to whisper but his indoor voice was loud enough for anyone in an immediate radius to hear it. Dirk hoped Meenah was polite and wasn’t eavesdropping.

“See for yourself.” Nepeta whispered. “The dining block looks purfect, dinner smells great, you’ll do great!”

“YEAH….. GREAT…” Karkat took a deep breath. “ALRIGHT, I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.”

“We’ll be just outside your hive.” Dirk stated matter-of-factly. “In case something goes wrong.”

“I THOUGHT YOU ASSHOLES WERE GOING TO STAY IN MY HIVE?!”

“Installed some webcams.” He replied with a shrug. “Making sure you kids behave.”

“STRIDER YOU ARE REMOVING THOSE CAMS THIS VERY INSTANT OR I WILL MAKE YOU WEAR YOUR SPLEEN LIKE A FANCY HAT!” Karkat hissed. “PRIVACY IS NOT A JOKING MATTER AND I WONT HAVE YOUR PERVERTED VOYEURISM DURING THIS FUCKING DATE!”

“If Dirk removes those now, Meenah will know we were here.” Nepeta interjected as voice of reason. “It’s just fur tonight, to make sure efurrything will go as planned. I’ll make sure Dirk will remove all webcams after this is over.”

AR: Will you though?  
TT: Well, not áll of them.

“We also got you an earpiece.” Nepeta continued. “So we can offer advice if we think you get stuck.”

“SURE, LET’S TURN THIS INTO THE BIGGEST ROMANTIC CLICHÉ EVER PRODUCED BY REAL LIFE.” Karkat ranted.”PLEASE NAME *ONE* SCENARIO WHERE THE EARPIECE TRICK ACTUALLY WORKED. JUST ONE SOLITARY INSTANCE! GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT IN THE REALM OF ROMANCE, ALRIGHT?! I KNOW HOW *NOT* TO DO IT AND THIS IS PROBABLY IT!”

“Karkat, you agreed to let us help you.” Nepeta said with a pout. “And if you get purvous again, I am going to have to talk you through it.”

“FINE…” Karkat gave in. “BUT YOU ARE REMOVING ALL THIS SHIT AFTER THIS IS OVER.”

“Of course!”

“AND TURN OFF THOSE FUCKING CAMERASS IN A ‘BEST-CASE-SCENARIO’.”

“WHAT BEST CASE SCE----“ Meulin wanted to ask only to be immediately silenced by Dirk and Nepeta. The troll simply had no control over her own volume.

“FOR GOD’S SAKE KEEP HER VOICE DOWN” he growled. “THERE IS PRETTY MUCH *NO* WAY MEENAH DIDN’T HEAR THAT!!”

“Look at what Dirk made!” Nepeta distracted Karkat’s attention. Dirk noticed she didn’t want to promise to turn the cameras off. The catgirl was sneakier than she looked.

“Today’s menu; a gastronomic meeting between earth and Alternia.” He added so ironically that there wasn’t a trace of the stuff in his voice.

“This smells so good! she’ll have to love this, right?”

“THAT’S…. ACTUALLY KIND OF NICE.” Karkat mumbled, observing the dough stalks, way too thick to be called spaghetti, with a sauce of grey meat and alien fruit.”THANKS.”

“We’ll be on our way out then.” Dirk said, gesturing to the door. “You’ll be okay?”

“I THINK SO, YEAH!” the troll took another deep breath. “I’M GOING TO ASK HER…. THIS IS GOING TO BE A THING….” he chuckled nervously. “I MAY ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE THIS STUFF MYSELF ONCE THIS IS OVER. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT SHIT? ME, COOKING FOR A MATESPRIT LIKE SOME KIND OF DOMESTIC ROMCOM? GOD, THAT’S AWFUL”

“I don’t think so.” Nepeta handed Karkat two platters. “I think it’ll be wonderful.

The two exchanged a respecting nod before the Secret Hearts Club of Secrets snuck out of the backdoor.

* * *

 

“Squarewave, activate cams Alpha, Gamma and Epsilon.”

Dirk and the Leijons gathered on a couch in the empty hive behind Karkat’s. Squarewave’s chest had been outfitted with a screen to show the date from all angles, so that they could sit back and watch their hard work unfold. The only thing missing was popcorn.

“Yo dAwg! The robot replied. “You gotzzZ to beat me in a battle rAp, Yo.” The Leijons looked in surprised anticipation at Dirk.

“Negative.” He replied coldly. “Procedure 420 Blaze it.”

“Blazing it” Squarewave’s voice became a lot lower.”Activating cameras.”

“THERE THEY ARE!!!!” Meulin squeed. Karkat had only just put the plates on the table. Dirk assumed he had to give himself a pre-dinner peptalk.

TT: Note to self: look for pale partners for Karkat.  
AR: Pale partner already found for Karkat.  
TT: Send it through.  
AR: Roger that.

“Activate audio channels A and B.” Dirk ordered.

“Rap Battle?”

“Blaze it.”

“Blazing it.”

The audio turned up. The moment Meenah’s voice could be heard, everyone froze. This was it; moment of truth.

* * *

 

“Dam shouty.” Amusement could be heard through her voice. A good sign. “Smells good.”

“JUST SOMETHING SMALL, YOU KNOW?” Karkat said embarrassed.

“You eat grub this good erry day?” she eagerly brandished her utensils.

“ONLY ON SPECIAL OCASSIONS…”

AR: Smooth.

Meenah took a big bite of the not-spaghetti before turning her full attention to Karkat, who was pretending to be incredibly interested by the meal in front of him. It was almost like she was waiting for him to turn to her.

TT: At least eat the damn food I made people.

* * *

 

“I CAN’T HEAR A THING THEY’RE SAYING!” Meulin whined.

“Can’t you read their lips?” Nepeta asked.

“ONLY MEENAHS AND SHE IS QUIET, WHICH IS A FURST!!!”

“Got it.” Dirk sighed. “Activate camera Sigma.”

“Rap bAttle? Squarewave asked. Dirk reinstated the 420-protocol and a fourth screen popped up. If it wasn’t integral to the program, he would have removed Squarewave’s rap battle programming years ago.

* * *

 

“You ocray shouty?” Meulin asked bluntly. She sat back and crossed her arms “You’ve been acking fishy all day and NAUT in a cute way.”

“I’VE JUST BEEN SO GODDAMN HUNGRY YOU KNOW?” Karkat tried laughing it off and took a few incredibly sloppy bites of his dough stalks. He tried to look normal as he swallowed it but his incredibly unnatural smile couldn’t fool anyone.

“Like, you got somefin on your mind?” She continued. “You be on your communication device all day, spite me sitting right next to you. Now you ackin like I grew some sort a second head.”

* * *

 

“Oh no…” Nepeta quickly grabbed a walkie talkie. “Tell her you’ve been thinking of her and that’s she’s pretty!”

“Is that last thing really necessary?” Dirk commented.

“It was the first thing I could think off!”

“Tell her something romantic man.” He yelled into the walkie-talkie. “You get lost in her eyes, her breasts are oceans, just do something to take control of the situation.”

* * *

 

“IT’S NOT THAT!” Karkat stammered.”NOT LIKE…. I MEAN LOOK….” He sighed.”I’VE BEEN THINKING OF YOU AND HOW YOUR BREASTS ARE OCEANS.”

He slammed himself for his forehead.

* * *

 

“DIRK WHAT DID YOU MAKE HIM SAY?!”

“THIS WASN’T MY FAULT!”

* * *

 

“I…. LOOK, I’VE BEEN THINKING…..” Karkat tried to talk himself out of it, blushing a furious shade of red. His audience gave him an incredibly confused look, wrought with a special kind of pity for how pathetic he was being.”AND I, AFTER THINKING, CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT…. THAT….”

“Yeah?” Meenah said, inching to the edge of her seat. “Out with it shouty.”

“THAT WE SHOULD DEFINITELY DISCUSS OUR STRATEGY FOR GOING TO THE ISLAND BECAUSE OUR TEAMS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS!” Karkat blurted out.

“Oh…” Her expression soured a little. “Yeah, shore. We can do that.”

Karkat took another embarrassed mouthful of spaghetti, desperately wishing he could sink through the ground.

* * *

 

“NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!” Meulin shouted in the walkie talkie. “KARKAT VANTAS, YOU GO KISS THE GIRL THIS INSTANT!”

* * *

 

Karkat was tempted to slam his face into the spaghetti on the off chance that it would short-circuit the transmitter and/or kill him. He was dizzy and nauseous and a nervous wreck.

“TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!” Both Leijons simultaneously shouted into the walkie-talkie.

Karkat slammed his head into the spaghetti and didn’t move.

“Shouty?” Meenah asked, a little concerned. ”You ocray?”

“I don’t feel so good…” Karkat muttered in a small voice.

“Yeah, you don’t glubbin say.” She crossed her arms and gave him a strict look.”This is the shittiest conchfession I ave ever seen you kno?” she sighed.

* * *

 

Dirk, Nepeta and Meulin looked at each other.

“Crap.”

* * *

 

“So you knew?” he mumbled in his spaghetti. His breathe was making small bubbles in the redfruit sauce.

“Duh.” Meenah rolled her eyes. “Like, you get this completely adorable look when you planning somefin? Not thát hard to sea somefin goin on here.”

“Sorry….”

“Also Leijon really has no idea how glubbin loud she’s being.”

“Goddamnit…”

“It’s cool. I like that part aboat you.” She sighed. “The whole: cute geshores part? Just thought you’d have this really great conchfession, you kno? So I figured, let’s ride this sucka out and sea what you made.”

“I tried….” His voice blubbered weakly in the spaghetti. ”But that wouldn’t have worked. As if you want to hear how I feel like I’m fucking invincible every time you so much as smile at me… Or how just being with you makes…. Uugh… literally everything else seems like its at the bottom of a very long to-do list…. You don’t like the sappy stuff, I get that. I was working out a way to phrase it in a slightly less pathetic manner but…. well…. this happened and now my face is covered in dough stalks.”

Meenah was quiet. If Karkat would just lift his head from the spaghetti he would see a fierce tyrian blush and fluttering fins. Thankfully for Meenah however, he kept his head down.

“You coulda just ask.” She suggested.

“I’ll keep it in mind.” He groaned. “probably the LEAST fucking romantic way to go about things but at least I won’t look like as much of a pathetic imbecile.”

“I don’t think you an imbecile.” She said with a grin.”Though ya should probably get ur head outta there.”

“I can’t. I live here now.” Karkat grumbled.

“Very cute.”

The two shared a short silence before Karkat spoke again, slightly muffled by the spaghetti.

“Actually, moving hurts…. A lot….. “ He groaned.”And as icing on this cake of patheticness, I think I’m going to throw up.”

Meenah rolled her eyes.”Come on Nubby. Our feels are laid out on table right? No need for that shit.”

“No….” he muttered weakly. “I think this is food poisoning…. What the fuck was in those dough stalks?”

* * *

 

Dirk shot Meulin an accusing look. She ignored it entirely, far too absorbed by this dinner gone wrong.

* * *

 

“Also,” Karkat continued. “Only one of us placed their feelings on the table for everyone to point and laugh at, like the fucking idiot that he is.”

Meenah stood up and walked over to Karkat, carefully lifting his face up and placing him in a more comfortable position. She used one of the napkins Nepeta thoughtfully placed on table to clean his face.

“Course I like you Nub—Karkat.” She mumbled so soft Dirk’s audio equipment almost didn’t catch it. She dabbed the sauce out of his eye and grinned.”You are cute as fuck and a lotta fun to chill with.”

“I am not cute…” Karkat protested as she continued cleaning his face. “I am a fucking bad-ass.”

“Shore you are.” Meenah chuckled.

“Please tell me this isn’t some sort of food-poison related fever dream then?” Karkat grumbled.

“Nope.” She smiled faintly.”I’m not as romantic with words like you are.”

“I know!”

“But it’s like…. You’re important to me, you know?” Meenah let him lean against her, as she helped him get up.”And I think we both really want this, so why the fuck not give it a shot? Am I right?”

“You really aren’t romantic.” Karkat chuckled sickly as she guided him to the couch.

“That’s the ticket Vantas.” She grinned. “Keep it up and Imma drop you.”

“You won’t….” He groaned. “I think… This still could be food-poison related fever dream territory.”

“It’s not.”

“Oh….” He mumbled. The two of them remained quiet for a while as she let him sink onto the couch.”So does that mean you really… You know?”

“Yes.”

“And we can really---?”

“Yes.” Meenah said sheepishly. “So here’s a new romantic plan for you, aight?” Meenah clapped her hands together and grinned. Karkat couldn’t help but smile at her, despite his churning stomach. He liked it when she got that glint in her eye.  
“You take a moment to get this out a your system. Then tomorrow maybe, you and I….” she stopped, not entirely sure of what to suggest.

“Tomorrow what?”

“Dinner and a movie? Maybe?” Meenah mumbled. She could feel her cheeks turn tyrian. “Or just fuck up imps again as a bad-ass power couple? I’m not sure what…. Cod, I reelly suck at this stuff don’t I?”

“Dinner and a movie sounds…..” Karkat’s face turned red. He began heaving sickly and bent himself over the armrest of the couch. “Oh my god, I’m gonna cull them….”

Meenah just patted him on the back.”You get better, we do dinner and a movie tomorrow.”

“DINNER IS THE LAST THING I….. HNNRRK….” He groaned and curled up in stomach pain.

“Alright then…” she grinned. “We do a movie and maybe some other things.” She waggled her eyebrows but it was lost on Karkat.

“Actually….” he moaned. “I just wanted to impress you with this whole date…. Because, you know…”

“What?”

“You and Vriska were kinda….?”

“How about you and Shaggy 2 Cape then?” Meenah grinned.

“Fuck, that’s fair.” a pained groan came from the sick troll.

“There’s a reason I kelpt you all to myshellf since we got here shouty.” She continued. “Sides, she with Nitram now. It was more a fuck-it-the-world-is-ending-lets-go-out-with-a-bang kinda deal anywave so no biggie.” She grimaced a bit. “How aboat you and the human?”

“Never settled for a quadrant.” He groaned.”Humans are a fucking pain to deal with, with their lack of proper understanding of the quadrants, even a fucking wriggler would get.”

“You aint wrong on that.”

The two sat in silence, the only noise occasionally coming from Karkat’s upset stomach, much to his embarrassment. Still, if troll culture would accuse a single emotion as the instigator for a flushed romance it would be pity and he knew he was being a beacon of it at the moment.

“Can you just…..” he muttered, way too self-aware to enjoy the moment. “Stay here, a little bit longer?”

“You want me too?” Meenah asked, somewhere between surprised and uncomfortable.

“If you don’t mind?”

“No, no… It’s just, you bein sick and all.”

“If you don’t want too—“

“Nah, it cool. Scoot over.” She sat down next to him and let him rest his head in her lap. “Just warn me if you gone and throw up or somefin gross.”

“Will do…” Karkat mumbled.

“Is it everything yer movies told you it’d be?” Meenah asked with a smug smirk.

“Somehow I ended up even more pathetic than the average romcom protagonist…”

“You mind?”

“No.” he mumbled, looking up into her eyes. “No, this is fine.”

* * *

 

“I DON’T GET IT!!!!” Meulin yelled. “IS THIS THAT BEST-CASE SCENARIO HE WAS TALKING ABOUT?”

“I think they got together despite your failure.” Dirk grumbled.

“EXCUSE YOU, I WASN’T THE ONE COOKING IT!!!” she protested.

Dirk could feel his eye twitch in annoyance but he remained cool as a cucumber. Nepeta pulled the both of them in for a celebratory hug. The date was a success, despite their failures.

Caliborn might actually appreciate this pairing and Dirk knew that they had staved off destruction for just a bit longer.

* * *

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo: EVERYBODY PAY ATTENTION--

CG1: ALRIGHT NUMBNUTS, LISTEN UP.  
CG1: AFTER AN ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE THE OTHER DAY, I RECEIVED WORD THAT OUR RIDE TO THE ISLAND IS FINALLY FINISHED. EQUIUS, JADE AND JOHN ARE TO THANK FOR THIS. GOOD JOB YOU WEIRD BUNCH OF ASSHOLES.  
CT1: D--> It was our pleasure  
EB: yeah, it was fun. you should see it, it’s awesome.  
CG1: GOOD TO HEAR IT.  
CG1: YOUR NOBLE AND GLORIOUS LEADERS HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY TO ASSIGN EVERYONE DUTIES ONCE ON THE ISLAND AND TEAMS, IN WHICH TO FULFILL SAID DUTIES.   
CG1: YOU WILL RECEIVE INSTRUCTIONS IN YOUR MAIL FOLDERS SHORTLY.  
CC1: Wait, I didn’t kelp with that  
CG: NO, YOU DIDN’T.  
GG2: I didn’t get a say in this either. John, did you?  
EB: nope, not a say whatsoever.  
CG1: NO, YOU TWO DIDN’T GET A SAY IN THIS SHIT EITHER. INCIDENTALLY CROCKER, YOU WILL BE TRAVELING WITH ME, AS IT IS MY DUTY TO KEEP OUR TWO HEALERS SAFE.  
GG2: Okay?  
GG2: I mean, I appreciate that sentiment.  
CC1: BUT W)(AT GIVES?  
CC1: W)(O EVEN GAVE YOU T)(E RIG)(T TO DECIDE T)(AT BY YOURS)(ELLF?  
CC2: whale, he didn’t exactly decide it by himshellf  
CC2: he had a lot a kelp from me  
TG2: oh yeay  
TG2: let ol fishy himtler do the plannin  
CC2: whats your trident then?  
GG2: Pardon?  
CG1: POINT. SHE MEANS TO SAY POINT.  
CC2: wave to take the fun outta it shouty 38P  
CG1: I DON’T TAKE THE FUN OUT OF ANYTHING!  
CG1: I AM THE MOST FUN!  
CC2: that you are~  
EB: so the two of you decided on teams and strategy?  
CC2: ye, pretty much.  
AG1: Alriiiiiiiight, so what are we waiting for?  
AG1: We got our o8jectives, lets move out people!  
CC2: Acshelly, we wanted to do this shit tomorrow.  
AG1: Whaaaaaaaat?!  
AG1: Come oooooooon, we’ve waited so long already!  
CG1: LOOK, THERE ARE PLANS SET FOR TODAY.  
CG1: IMPORTANT PLANS THAT CAN NOT BE POSTPONED ANOTHER 24 ARBITRARY HOURS.  
CG1: SO TAKE SOME TIME TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, TALK TO YOUR TEAMMATES, MAYBE GET INTO THAT BOOK YOU WERE MEANING TO READ. JUST AMUSE YOURSELVES FOR ANOTHER DAY, IS WHAT I AM GETTING AT.  
GG2: Well, message got then.  
CC1: I would have liked to kelp with makoing teams 38(  
TG2: Aaawhp recious fef  
EB: so what are you doing today karkat?  
CG1: IMPORTANT LEADERLY BUSINESS.  
AC1: :33< his matespurrit i hope  
AC1: :33< ;))  
GC1: WH4T?!  
CA1: wwhat?!  
AG1: What?!  
GG1: what :O  
TG2: heh heh heh  
CG1: NEPETA!!!!  
EB: oh woah.  
EB: congratulations karkat!  
CC1: So who is the lucky troll?  
CC2: yeah, imma date this cute lil shrimp here.  
CC2: got a problem with that junior?  
CC1: NOT R---EELLY  
CC1: It’s just a bit weird.  
TG1: how is this a surprise to anyone  
TG1: they have literally been hanging out nonstop since we got here  
TG1: honestly  
TG1: im just surprised it took them so long to go for it  
TG1: like the worlds most indecisive order at your local fastfood place  
TG1: ill have the uhm  
TG1: with the derrr  
TG1: sir please move along  
TG1: there are literally a thousand customers waiting for you  
GA1: Quite The Tangent  
TG1: i try  
AC1: :33< you didn’t think you could k33p it hidden did you?  
CG1: OBVIOUSLY WE FUCKING DID!!!!  
CC2: wave to go leijon, just fuckin throw it out there  
AC1: :33< im sorry but you can’t k33p that a secret!  
CC2: whale not with you around obviously  
CG1: YEAH, YEAH, KARKAT AND MEENAH ARE DATING. SO FUCKING WHAT?!   
CG1: WE ARE NOT TURNING THIS MEMO IN A CONVERSATION ABOUT THAT!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK WE SHOULD!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HAVE YOU KISSED HER YET?!  
CC2: yes!  
CG1: MEENAH!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ IS SHE A GOOD KISSER?!  
CC2: duh!  
CG1: COME ON!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHO INITIATED THE KISS!?!?!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ GIVE US DETAILS!!!!  
CG1: I AM NOT GIVING YOU SHIT!  
CG1: I WAS SICK ALL FUCKING DAY YESTERDAY BECAUSE OF YOUR HORRENDOUS COOKING!!!  
CG1: WERE YOU TRYING TO HELP ME WIN A MATESPRIT’S AFFECTION OR DID YOU TRY TO HELP ME INTO AN EARLY GRAVE?!!?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ HEY, THAT WASN’T ME!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ DIRK DID THE COOKING!!!!  
TT2: Yes, but you’d THINK a troll would know what ingredients are and aren’t suited for a troll digestive system.  
TT2: That and the ingredients you gathered were nothing like what I described.   
TT2: Tell me, how did you survive so long without supervision and not knowing what foods would kill you?  
CC2: sometimes we wonder aboat that ourshellves  
CG1: YOU ARE BOTH EQUALLY HORRIBLE, SO I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHO’SE FAULT IT WAS! YOU’D BE GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION ANYWAY!!  
AC1: :33< what about me?  
GC1: TH3 GU1LT13ST >:]  
AC1: :33< oh nooooo!!  
CG1: NO, NEPETA IS ALRIGHT. THE OTHER HEART PLAYERS COULD STAND TO BE A BIT MORE LIKE HER.  
AC1: :33< yes! *AC pumps her fist up in glorious victory*  
CG1: A BIT LESS OF THAT…..  
CA2: you didn’t answver her question though  
CA2: like, havwe you made out yet or wvhat?  
CC2: err…….  
CA2: maybe evwen gone further if you knowv wvhat i am gettin at?  
TA2: Y0UR 5UCH 4 D1CKNU75.  
CA2: don’t pretend you don’t wvanna knowv captor  
TA2: D1D Y0U 70UCH FI5H8008 V4N745?!!  
CG1: IMAGINE A MUSQUITO BULGE GRAZING LOVINGLY PAST THE LABIA FOLDS OF A GIANT WHALELUSUS. EVEN THIS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING MENTAL IMAGE SHOWS MORE OF A *FUCK* THAN I COULD POSSIBLY GIVE ABOUT INFORMING YOU ABOUT MY PRIVATE LIFE!!!  
GC1: 1S SH3 4 GOOD K1SS3R? >:]  
CC2: I am!  
CG1: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  
GA2: Have yo+u sealed the deal already?  
CA2: that’s wvhat wve wvant to knowv  
CG2: Guys n9. Y9u are invading the much c9vetted privacy 9f my dancest9r and his new matesprit. That 6eing said, I am certainly m9re than a little curi9us as t9 what Peixes’s intenti9ns are t9wards Karkat.  
CC2: Excuse you?!  
CG2: Naturally Karkat is n9t 96liged t9 discl9se any 9f the details 9f his private life 6ut n9netheless, the m9re traditi9nal new matespritship threats cann9t 6e issued with9ut him having a m9irail. Th9ugh I d9 n9t claim a relati9n such as that, 9ur familial 69nd makes me the m9st suited candidate.  
CG2: Thankfully, I have prepared a scripture f9r just such an 9cassi9n.  
CG1: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!  
GA2: Kanny, we are no+t go+ing to+ be subjected to+ o+ne o+f yo+ur rants.  
CG2: It is n9t a rant Maryam. It is scripture.  
GA2: Yo+u still sho+uld no+t rain o+n Karkat’s parade like this.  
CG2: Rain 9n his parade? I intend t9 9ffer him my 9wn heartfelt c9ngratulati9ns 6y way 9f threatening his matesprit, sh9uld she scheme t9 6reak his 6l99dpumping vessel.  
CA2: kinda agreein wvith maryam here  
GA2: Thank yo+u.  
CG2: Y9u might 6e relieved t9 learn that I just f9und the scripture I intended t9 qu9te. Trigger warning: ancient traditi9nal threats, threats 9f b9dily harm, threats 9f c9smic vengeance and pasteries.   
CG1: THAT’S IT!!!!  
CG1: MEMO OVER!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ NOOOOOO!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE MUST KNOW IF YOU DID THE DO YET!!!!!  
CG1: SEE YOU FUCKERS TOMORROW, IF YOU CAN BE BOTHERED TO GET YOUR FUCKING HEADS OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN NOOKS!!!!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned EVERYONE from memo--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this chapter turned out way too long.... And I wanted to add more, because I am a tool but it has been way too long since I updated.
> 
> So what's next? Well, first we're finally resuming Movies with Karkat, after which Voyeurism.exe II will be written.
> 
> Have a good one.


	10. Voyeurism.exe II

\--autoResponder [AR] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]\--

AR: Bro.   
AR: I am obliged to inform you that you have mail.  
TT: I know.  
AR: It’s from Vantas.  
TT: I know.  
AR: Might be important.  
TT: Probably not.  
AR: Nah, it really isn’t.  
AR: I mean, it is good for a laugh I suppose. You’d think he would run out of ways to say ‘fuck’ sooner or later.  
AR: He really is the greatest wordsmith of our time.  
TT: This coming from a time where there are only 32 living people on the planet, not counting 3.5 robots and an all-seeing nigh-omnipotent douchebag, that title holds little meaning.  
AR: Way to take the fun out of it.  
TT: It’s what I do.  
AR: Anyway, you get to join team Aradia and Jake tomorrow.  
AR: How much you want to bet that there is a lot of sexual tension between the two, with neither of them actually realizing it?  
TT: This is still Jake we are talking about.  
TT: Any bet of this kind is immediately stacked against him.  
AR: You’re not worried that some other woman is probably trying to get her squeeze on?  
AR: Nor a defensive mother bear type of situation?  
TT: Not really.  
AR: Allow me to put on my skepticals.  
TT: Don’t do puns Hal. They never work.  
AR: Too late, doing it.  
AR: Also, there is a 95.2% chance that you actually mind Megido making sweet sugary love to Jake, using whatever constitutes troll genitalia.  
TT: Jake is cool and all but let’s face it; our thing really didn’t work out right.  
TT: That’s fine. No big deal. He wanted more space and I am totally cool with that.  
TT: There is zero stress about him possibly getting in a relationship with that Aradia chick.  
TT: Even if I was, which once more for the record: I’m not, I could mess her up in all kinds of ways with that robot I’ve been fixing.  
TT: Near fatal malfunctions? who would have thunk?  
TT: Of course, that is a hypothetical because contrary to your beliefs: I am not that petty.  
AR: Who’s robot *I* happen to be fixing.  
TT: Yeah, whatever.  
TT: I’m just worried Caliborn really wanted to see the two of us reunited and gets pissed off at me for shipping them incorrectly.  
AR: *Adjust skepticals skeptically*  
TT: Save the roleplaying shtick for Roxy, I am not in the mood.  
AR: You never are.   
AR: So you are saying your only concern about their possible ship is whether or not Lord Douchebag enjoys it?  
TT: Pretty much.  
AR: Chances are that this is willful misdirection on your part and that you are deflecting your own personal concerns onto a much larger, more prominent threat to make you seem less selfish.  
TT: Is it working?  
AR: Yeah, go for it.  
AR: Anyway, here’s the mail. Think you can get up before 11:00?  
TT: Christ, I’ll have to set my alarm…

* * *

 

** ATTENTION DIRTBAGS. THESE ARE YOUR LEADERS SPEAKING TO YOU ABOUT MISSION: GET-ON-THE-ISLAND-FUCK-SHIT-UP-AND-GET-OUT. YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED IN THE MOST CORDIALLY FUCKING MANNER TO BE FORCEFULLY SIGNED UP FOR THIS MISSION, WHICH WILL BEGIN TOMORROW AT 11:00 AND WILL END 20:00. SHOULD WE FAIL TO COMPLETE OUR CONQUEST IN THAT TIMEFRAME, WE ARE *STILL* PACKING OUR SHIT BECAUSE OF SAFETY REASONS BUT IF WE DON’T SPEND TOO MUCH TIME EATING OUR OWN SNOT FOR NOURISHMENT, THAN 9 HOURS SHOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH TO CLEAR THIS MESS. TO MAKE SURE YOU IDIOTS WILL FUCK THIS SIMPLE MISSION UP UP AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE, WE HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF MAKING TEAMS. EACH TEAM HAS A CLEAR AND OBVIOUS PURPOSE, SO EVEN THE DUMBEST OF FUCKSPONGES SHOULD KNOW WHAT WE EXPECT OF THEM. **

**ASSAULT TEAMS GET TO RAMPAGE THROUGH THE ISLAND AND NEED TO MOVE TO THE KEYPOINTS THE ALPHA NITRAM AND JADE HAVE WRITTEN ON THE MAP. THESE ARE THE MOST LIKELY LOCATIONS FOR THE BOSS AND THE MINIBOSS, WHICH ARE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THESE BRAVE, FORCEFULLY DRAFTED VOLUNTEERS. THESE TEAMS ARE PICKED BY ANALYZING LEVEL, COMBAT ABILITY AND SYNERGY OF OUR FRONTLINE FIGHTERS.**  
**ASS TEAM 1: VRISKA, ARANEA, MEENAH**  
**ASS TEAM 2: JAKE, ARADIA, DIRK**

** MEENAH JUST POINTED OUT I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T CALL IT ASS TEAMS BUT IT JUST KINDA STUCK WITH ME. SO CONGRATULATIONS NOOKSNIFFERS: YOU ARE NOW THE ASS TEAMS.  **

** TRAVELING IN THE SAME LINES AS THE ASSAULT TEAMS ARE THE BACK-UPS, THE MOBILE SUPPORT. THEIR JOB IS TO HELP THE ASS TEAMS SHOULD THEY GET FUCKED IN THEIR REAR OR THE AGGRO TEAM IF THEY DO THEIR JOB TOO FUCKING WELL. IF THERE ARE ANY WOUNDED, IT IS ALSO THE JOB OF THESE TEAMS TO GET THEM TO THE MEDICS. THIS TEAM IS PICKED ON MOBILITY AND WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE GOOD FOR ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL.  
**MOB TEAM 1: KANAYA, DAVE, NEPETA**  
**MOB TEAM 2: PORRIM, CRONUS, LATULA.** **

**NEXT WE HAVE AGGRO TEAM. THESE DOUCHEBAGS GET TO GO TO THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLAND AND ATTRACT AS MANY ENEMIES AS POSSIBLE. THIS’LL BENEFIT THE OTHER TEAMS AND MAKE TRAVERSING THE ISLAND SAFER FOR EVERYONE BUT THEM. FOR THIS, WE’VE TAKEN THE ABILITY TO ENGAGE THE ENEMY INTO ACCOUNT, THE ABILITY TO OBLITERATE A LOT OF ENEMIES IN VERY LITTLE TIME AND THE ABILITY TO DISENGAGE AND FLEE IF NECESSARY. PRETTY STANDARD STUFF, A WRIGGLER WOULD GET IT.**  
**THIS IS A JOB FOR TAVROS, EQUIUS AND JOHN.**

** DEPENDING ON HOW MANY CREATURES TAVROS CAN CONTROL AT ONCE, THIS COULD BE A FUCKING CAKEWALK, SO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY COMPLAINING FROM THIS TEAM, BECAUSE YOU WILL PROBABLY FARM THE BULK OF THE EXPERIENCE DUE TO YOUR DESIGNATED ROLES.  **

** FINALLY THE SPECIALIST TEAMS. THESE ARE SELF EXPLANATORY AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THESE, CONGRATULATIONS: YOU ARE NOT COMING WITH US BECAUSE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN DECLARED LEGALLY BRAIN DEAD.  **

** SNIPER TEAM: JADE, ERIDAN, RUFIOH. GO TO THE HIGHEST POINT ON THE ISLAND AND USE NITRAM AS A SPOTTER. TRY WORKING IN CONJUNCTURE WITH THE AGGRO AND ASSAULT TEAMS TO INFLICT TONS OF DAMAGE UPON THE MOBS ON GROUND LEVEL.  **

** HEALING TEAM: JANE, FEFERI, AND ME. YOU STAY PUT AND LET ME PROTECT YOU FROM ANY FUCKING MONSTERS COMNG TO GET US BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO DAMN IMPORTANT TO RISK DURING THIS FAIRLY UNIMPORTANT ADVENTURE. IF ANY IDIOT GETS HIM OR HERSELF HURT, IT IS YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE THEY DO NOT DIE. THERE ARE FEW ENOUGH TROLLS AS IT IS AND I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS NUMBER SHRINK ANY FURTHER.  **

** MISSION CONTROL: TEREZI, AND THE LALONDES. KEEP DOING THE SEER THING AND HAVE THE INEBRIATED LALONDE KEEP YOU AWAY FROM ENEMY EYES. EASY SHIT, RIGHT?  **

** TEAM ‘FUCK SHIT UP’ HAS DECIDED TO SHIT THEIR DIAPERS IN HOMEBASE AND *NOT* JOIN US TOMORROW, BECAUSE SOLLUX DOES NOT FEEL LIKE PLAYING ARTILERY TOGETHER WITH HIS MOIRAIL. THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT TWO HALFWITS DO NOT SUBSTITUTE A PROPER FULLWIT!  **

** I TRUST THIS BRIEFING HAS BEEN SUFFICIENT TO TELL EVEN THE MOST LIZARD-BRAINED FUCKTRUMPET WHAT HE OR SHE MUST DO TOMORROW. DO NOT COME IN LATE BECAUSE WE WILL LEAVE WITHOUT YOU.  **

** SEE YOU ASSHOLES THEN. **

* * *

 

TT: No surprises there.  
AR: Not at all.  
AR: Anyway, want me to send you the important parts of today’s chats?  
AR: Maybe get you back into the shipping game, because honestly, team black isn’t doing that hot.  
TT: I’ve always been a fan of underdog stories.  
TT: Like, sure we are losing the game 21-01 but there are still 20 seconds on the clock and our ace quarterback just figured out the perfect way to get out of the deuce situation and score a birdie.  
AR: Dirk, you have literally never been a fan of that.  
AR: And don’t try to wave this off as ironic.  
TT: It was ironic.  
TT: Damnit.  
AR: Curse your slow carbon-based fingers.  
AR: Anyway, some folks are actually talking about you.  
AR: Just saying, might be neat to check that shit out.  
TT: Just send the logs to me. I’ll read them if I feel like it.  
AR: Roger that.  
AR: Pesterlogs, coming through.

* * *

 

\--apacolypseArisen [AA] began trolling golgothasTerror [GT]\--

AA: jake!  
AA: have you checked your mail yet?  
GT: I’m afraid I have not.  
AA: come on check it  
GT: Hold your horses, my laptop is being an antiquated piece of junk.  
GT: Righto, there we go.  
GT: Blimey, Karkat could have picked some kinder words to use.  
AA: yes but did you see that we are in the same team?  
GT: That is a most splendid turn of events!  
GT: Being in a team with you and Dirk will be a delightful way to clear this campaign.  
GT: Let’s see, we are assault team B. Boy, that sounds like something out of a militaristic action flick.  
AA: i know  
GT: I love it.  
AA: i think karkat may be over thinking it a bit too much  
GT: No way, this is bad-ass. Ground control, this is squad leader delta. The eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed.  
AA: hey  
AA: if anything i am squad leader  
GT: I don’t know. Dirk might take issue with that.  
GT: He can be a little iffy about control and the taking thereof.  
AA: really?  
GT: Yes, he has had a bit of a habit to meticulously plan everything, including the tiniest most insignificant details. I am not entirely sure if that’s still the case, mostly because I haven’t been embroiled in one of his schemes for a while.  
GT: Hmmm….  
GT: Does not knowing that make me a bad friend?  
AA: probably not  
GT: Are you sure?  
AA: im sure it will be fine  
AA: and if the island is anything like the previous levels we will breeze through it  
AA: with or without dirk’s meticulous planning  
GT: Yeah, the previous places lacked a proper challenge. However, if this island is anything like the one I grew up on, we shall find hostile fauna aplenty.  
AA: glad to hear it  
AA: it wouldn’t be a proper adventure otherwise  
GT: I concur!  
GT: An adventure requires worthwhile vistas as well as challenges to overcome, and while the tower and the forest were a little dreary, I expect the nostalgic sight of my old home to be a welcome addition.  
GT: To be perfectly frank, I am a little nervous. Maybe it is nothing like I remember it.  
GT: Heck, we have no guarantee it is like Jade remembers it either. Maybe it is some kind of bizarre amalgam, or something entirely new.  
AA: only one way to find out.  
GT: Hear, hear, onward to uncharted lands.  
AA: i just don’t really get what the rush is  
GT: Pardon?  
AA: why do we have to clear the whole thing in a single day?  
AA: i guess is more difficult to reach the island than the forest or the tower but we don’t really have to do it all in one go  
AA: we have all the time we could possibly need to do this  
AA: there is nothing wrong with going back a few days later  
AA: we could probably go back months later and still be fine  
AA: what i am saying is: there is no deadline for this  
AA: no need to make this the grand undertaking karkat is making this  
GT: I think he is just looking out for us, you know?  
GT: It would be incredibly unfortunate if two people would get stranded there, with no means of communication.  
AA: that is why most people carry a minimum of three communication devices on them at all time  
GT: Clever observation. It always pays off to be prepared.  
GT: My grandmother always made sure that I would never leave the house with less than 3 of the aforementioned devices.  
AA: she sounds like a responsible lusus  
GT: She most certainly was.  
GT: Until her untimely demise at the hands of the Batterwitch.  
GT: That certainly was a downer.  
AA: did you not take the opportunity to host a corpse party?  
GT: Pardon?  
AA: i do not really get how human rituals work but i do believe you are supposed to hold a corpse party after someone dies  
AA: i thought it was a fun concept  
GT: Err…. I don’t know, it seems a little disrespectful.  
GT: Also, being the only remaining human being on the island had put a damper on my capacity to organize a proper party.  
AA: that is a shame  
AA: i didn’t consider you would find it disrespectful  
AA: after all it seems like a good way to say your goodbyes and get some closure  
AA: all the while making the occasion a little more fun  
GT: Why do you say that as if it is a completely normal thing?  
AA: i don’t know  
AA: isn’t it?  
AA: ive grown quite accustomed to death over the course of the game  
AA: it is nothing to be afraid of  
AA: after all, it is perfectly natural  
GT: Yeah, well…. So where the giant monsters living on my island and knowing they were perfectly natural did not make me any more comfortable confronting them.  
AA: oh  
AA: i did not realize the subject made you uncomfortable  
GT: What?  
GT: No, no it doesn’t. Really.  
GT: A brave, adventuring lad such as myself was hardly frightened by those beasts, of course.  
AA: of course  
GT: Merely a little anxious.  
GT: Maybe feeling a bit of trepidation, knowing I would have to encounter them.  
GT: In my defense, those Tinkerbull were surprisingly fierce when in larger numbers.  
AA: you poor thing  
GT: Regardless, I just finished alchemizing a set of authentic high powered flintlock pistols, so whatever this island has to offer better watch out. There is a new alpha dog on the prowl.  
GT: That would be me. I am the alpha dog.  
AA: i am sure you are  
AA: and flintlock pistols?  
GT: Do not underestimate their explosive potential.  
GT: These certainly are no children’s toys.  
AA: i will take your word for it  
AA: to be honest i only use my whip for my own amusement  
GT: I see…. *loosens collar a bit*  
AA: not like that  
AA: well  
AA: mostly not like that  
GT: Heavens.  
AA: regardless it has very little practical purpose in combat so i might just ignore it completely tomorrow  
GT: Oh, yeah that’s fine.  
GT: You got to use what you are comfortable with.  
GT: Dirk once made me guns he named ‘butter’ and ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ but after firing a few rounds I just didn’t find them all that comfortable, despite their damage output. Something in their weight, grip and recoil just irked me.  
GT: I would pick my trusty shooty and bangy over those, any day of the week.  
AA: i was talking more among the lines of how awesome my psychic abilities are  
GT: Hahaha, oh yes definitely.  
GT: You are a real Jean Grey.  
AA: jean grey?  
GT: Well, maybe not entirely. I mean, she was this gorgeous redhead with crazy psychic powers and a tendency to die in important storylines.  
AA: really?  
GT: Yeah. During one of her resurrections she found out her previous boyfriend got together with a woman that looked a lot like her and she died again not long after, it was a mess. My supply of comics was pretty limited so I am not sure how that story arc ended but that was the gist of it.  
AA: actually  
AA: that comparison works just fine  
GT: What really?  
GT: That is sorta messed up.  
AA: oh i am long past that  
AA: i am alive now and i do intend to stay that way  
GT: That’s the spirit!  
GT: No one is going to die on our watch!  
AA: haha if you insist  
AA: death really isn’t as bad as people make out with it to be  
GT: Did you perhaps intend to say: not as bad as people make it out to be?  
AA: yes  
AA: why  
AA: what did i say  
GT: You know what, never mind.  
GT: Regardless, I am looking forward to tomorrow.  
GT: Aside from that little tour through the forest, I really haven’t been hanging out with Dirk that much since arriving here.  
GT: I certainly hope he doesn’t mind. We’ve both been rather pre-occupied with other activities.  
AA: you two are close aren’t you?  
GT: We are bosom chums.  
AA: just bosom chums?  
AA: there are no romantic feelings involved?  
GT: Are you attempting to ship me?  
AA: just a mild curiosity  
AA: that is all  
AA: you were in a team with only 3 other players and considering the game tends to favor participants of a romantically tumultuous age it seemed like a normal thing to ask  
AA: yes  
AA: that’s it  
AA: but maybe i should not have assumed  
GT: Haha, actually you were spot on.  
GT: It is a little awkward to reminisce about but yeah, we’ve dated for quite some time.  
GT: Should I assume you had similar romantic inclinations during the game?  
AA: talk about awkwardly reminiscing about something  
AA: yes  
AA: yes i did  
GT: With whom?  
AA: equius  
AA: it was a really fun time even if it was a little strange  
AA: but you can’t exactly blame me  
AA: i mean have you seen him?  
GT: He is the tall handsome one, right?  
AA: yes  
AA: pity he didn’t have the personality to back it up  
AA: he was not exactly the prince charming type of troll  
AA: “oh aradia you revolting lowblood”  
AA: “oh yes aradia use the whip”  
AA: “you shamefully 100d reprobate”  
AA: “you lovely muse send by the heavens”  
AA: you know?  
GT: Err……….  
AA: he seemed more bipolar than my old moirail  
AA: in hindsight it is no wonder we changed from red to black all the time  
AA: i mean it was fun but i can see why people would find it a little strange  
GT: Black romance was the hate thing?  
AA: rivalry thing but close enough  
GT: Well, me and Dirk aren’t about to hate each other. Or become each other’s rivals really.  
GT: I mean, he made me a robot to become like a rival to me but I had to kill it for its uranium…. It’s a long story.  
AA: we have the time  
GT: I rather not think about that too much.  
GT: The point is, I think we parted on some pretty decent terms. Like, we can at least still acknowledge our friendship without dissolving into dark romance.  
GT: We’ve just been really busy doing our own thing lately and we both got to meet some extraordinary people, like yourself.  
GT: And I am sure the Leijons are just as great of course, to get the attention of Dirk.  
AA: heart shenanigans no doubt  
GT: Possibly.  
GT: He must be working on something, heart shenanigans or otherwise. This is the one and only Dirk Strider after all: he is always working on something.  
GT: The longer he remains quiet, the bigger his next project usually is. Either that, or he is taking more than five showers a day again.  
AA: maybe he is just fixing aradiabot?  
GT: Oh I am positive he is all over that.   
GT: My buddy Dirk is a genius when it comes to robotics and the like. He will fix her up again, lickity-split. It might be demoted to more like a side-project though, depending on his current frame of mind. Which currently seems to be all about shipping, so who knows?  
AA: i do hope she is okay  
AA: every aradiabot from every other timeline has been destroyed  
AA: at least to my knowledge  
AA: but what if there are more?  
AA: then there is the question of whether or not they are doomed like all other chronologically displaced versions of timeplayers  
GT: You are kind of losing me here Aradia.  
AA: sorry  
AA: the thing with timetravel is that going to a timeline that is not your own creates a paradox  
AA: no timeline likes a paradox so it will conspire to kill the displaced person  
GT: Like Final Destination?  
AA: i don’t know what that is  
GT: Oh, we just have to watch that flick when we get back tomorrow. It is a great time, I promise.  
AA: well count me in  
AA: the thing i am curious about is the chance of aradiabot surviving and living a relatively normal life  
AA: after all we both entered this entirely new universe  
AA: there should not be a paradox because since its conception this timeline has always had a minimum of 2 aradias in it  
GT: I’ll be entirely honest Aradia, I don’t get any of this. Hope was difficult enough an aspect to master and time sounds like a different can of worms entirely.  
GT: However, if there is anything I can do to assist you in uncovering these time-related mysteries or help you out in some other way, consider me to be at your beck and call.  
AA: that is very sweet of you  
AA: but just going through the scenario as we know it helps to make it clearer  
AA: the real question lays in what happened during the final moments during the fight with Lord English  
GT: Perhaps Aradiabot was the one dealing the killing blow?  
AA: what?  
GT: Yes, it would explain why none of us remember killing him and how she entered this universe.  
GT: Or I think that it does.  
GT: Does it?  
AA: no you are right  
AA: that does sound like a pretty solid explanation  
AA: thank you  
GT: Alright!  
GT: Score one for Jake English.  
GT: Take that, Gallifreyans!  
GT: I am completely ready to join the timelord in all sorts of zany adventures.  
AA: the lord of time is unavailable right now  
AA: will a maid do?  
GT: Why yes, I think it will.  
AA: wonderful  
AA: 0u0  
GT: Hmmm?  
GT: Oh, it’s supposed to be an emoticon.  
GT: That is kind of clever.  
AA: its really kinda silly actually  
AA: but i haven’t found a good alternative yet  
GT: what is wrong with :)?  
AA: we trolls take our typing quirks very seriously  
GT: Fascinating. Your species has a most curious culture.  
AA: i could say the same thing about yours  
AA: is it just you who has a fascination for skulls or is that a human thing?  
GT: Oh no, that is definitely a human thing.  
GT: Everybody loves skulls.  
AA: i for one find it very fascinating  
GT: I am glad you enjoy it.  
GT: If we get to traverse the old frog temple on my island tomorrow, perhaps we will run in a few.  
AA: sounds delightful  
GT: Indeed.  
GT: Will I meet you at the lake?  
AA: my hive is close by the waterfront  
AA: if you feel like it you can pick me up  
GT: Wonderful  
GT: I will see you then.  
AA: see you tomorrow jake  
GT: Cheerio.

\--golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering apacolypseArisen [AA]\--

* * *

 

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

GC: *TH3 V3RY 1MPORT4NT L3G1SL4C3R4TOR H4S TR4V3RS3D TH3 W1LD 4LT3RN14N JUNGL3 TO F1N4LLY 4RR1V3 4T TH3 C4V3 OF TH3 FURRY 1MPORT4NT POUNC1LOR*  
GC: *W1TH ST34DY H4ND 4ND P3RF3CT COMPOS1T1ON SH3 R4PS ON TH3 DOOR*  
GC: “COM3 ON OUT POUNC1LOR” SH3 S4YS W1TH 4 ST3RN BUT JUST VO1CE  
GC: “W3 H4V3 URG3NT BUS1N3SS TO D1SCUSS!!”  
GC: “URG3NT BUS1N3SS OF TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT K1ND!!”  
GC: “TH3 K1ND TH4T P3RT41NS JUST1C3” >:]  
AC: :33< *the furry impawtant pouncilor gets up from her equally impawtant afternoon nap and stretches in the most adorable way pawsible*  
AC: :33< *when she hears the knocking on her door she skips towards the entrance of her cave and opens the cute little door*  
AC: :33< “it has b33n a long time, legislacerator” she purrs  
GC: “F4R TOO LONG 1ND33D, POUNC1LOR”  
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR L34NS NONCH4L4NTLY ON H3R C4N3*  
GC: “1 JUST W1SH W3 COULD H4V3 M3T UND3R B3TT3R C1RCUMST4NC3S” SH3 S4YS, H3R W1CK3D SM1L3 TURN1NG 3V3N MOR3 W1CK3D  
AC: :33< oh no!  
AC: :33< i mean… “oh no!” the pouncilor exclaims, as she invites the legislacerapurr inside  
AC: :33< “whatefur do you mean by that?”  
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR FOLLOWS THE HONOR4BL3 POUNC1LOR 1NS1D3 W1TH 4 CONF1D3NT 4ND M1GHTY STR1D3*  
GC: “TH3R3 H4S B33N 4 LOT OF SUSP1C1OUS 4CT1V1TY 1N TH3 H4RBOR” SH3 R3M4RKS   
GC: “YOU WOULDN’T H4V3 H4PP3N TO KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT TH4T, WOULD YOU??”  
GC: “4BOUT TH3 H1GHLY QU3ST1ON4BL3 SH1PS W3 H4V3 S31Z3D??”  
AC: :33< “i have no idea what you are talking about” the pouncilor says with a smile  
AC: :33< “but if i can help, i would be glad to be of purvice”  
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR C4CKL3S M3N4C1NGLY*  
GC: “1 N33D YOUR H3LP 1D3NT1FY1NG TH1S S1G3L”   
GC: *GC DR4M4T1C4LLY TOSS3S 4 B4G W1TH 4N OL1V3 S1GN ON T4BL3*  
GC: “4PP4R3NTLY TH3 CR3W OF TH3S3 1LL3G4L SH1PS W3R3 P4Y3D H4NDSOM3LY BY TH1S 4NONYMOUS DONOR” SH3 S4YS, N3V3R T4K1NG H3R NOS3 OFF TH3 SUSP3CT  
GC: “HOW M4NY R1CH OL1V3BLOODS DO YOU KNOW, D34R POUNC1LOR?”  
AC: :33< *the pouncilor realizes she’s b33n had and slowly backs away from the legislacerator*  
AC: :33< “well, you s33…” she stammers, “the thing about that is….”  
AC: :33< SMOKEBOMB!  
AC: :33< *the pouncilor tosses a smokebomb on the ground and jumps out of the legislacerator’s sight*  
GC: (YOU KNOW TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1S BL1ND R1GHT?)  
GC: (DO3SN’T TH1S H1ND3R YOUR OWN 3SC4P3?)  
AC: :33< (i added peppurr to the mix)  
AC: :33< (good luck smelling me now)  
GC: (TH4T’S 4 F1LTHY GODMOD!)  
AC: :33< (oh come on, like i’d forget she’s blind)  
GC: (F1N3)  
GC: TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR FL1NCH3D WH3N TH3 4CCUS3D SOM3HOW THR3W 4 P3PP3R-INFUS3D SMOK3BOMB 4ND ST3PS OUT OF TH3 C4V3 UNT1L 1T 1S CL34R3D, 3FF3CT1V3LY BLOCK1NG OFF TH3 ONLY 3X1T.  
AC: :33< *the pouncilor shuts the door behind the legislacerator and locks it*  
AC: :33< *she then uses a fan to dissipawte the smoke*  
GC: “YOU C4N’T 3SC4P3 JUST1C3 FOR3V3R!”  
AC: :33< “i will!” the pouncilor laughs “you will nefur take my ships from me!”  
GC: “THOS3 SH1PS B3LONG TO TH3 3MP1R3!”  
AC: :33< “just try and stop me!”  
GC: “4 LOCK3D DOOR WON’T K33P M3 OUT!”  
AC: :33< but it will sure make it a lot harder fur you to get in :PP  
GC: (4CTU4LLY Y34H, 1T W4S K1ND OF RUD3 TO LOCK M3 OUT L1K3 TH4T)  
GC: (1 C4N’T SUDD3NLY BLOW YOUR DOOR OP3N W1TH 3XPLOS1V3S OR MY M4G1C SMOK3BOMB S4TCH3L.)  
GC: (1TS NOT L1K3 1 SUDD3NLY POSS3S 1T3MS TH4T COMPL3T3LY TURN TH3 S1TU4T1ON 1N MY F4VOR TH4T)  
AC: :33< (:PP)  
GC: (M4YB3 TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR L34V3S FOR NOW 4ND R3TURNS W1TH R31NFORC3M3NTS L4T3R?)  
AC: :33< (sure, let’s go with that)  
AC: :33< (to be continued?)  
GC: (OH Y3S, 1 R34LLY W4NT THOS3 SH1PS)  
GC: 4S 1N, 1 W4NT TO KNOW WH4T SH1PS YOU 4R3 WORK1NG ON R1GHT NOW >:]  
AC: :33< oh, you were purious about that?  
GC: W3LL P3RH4PS 1 W4S 4 L1TTL3 H4STY 1N D3CL4R1NG TH3M 1LL3G4L  
GC: 1 4M SUR3 YOU 4ND TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR W1LL COM3 TO 4N 4GR33M3NT  
AC: :33< :PP  
AC: :33< well, we just finished working on karkat’s ship  
AC: :33< that was a lot of fun  
GC: HMMMHMMMM  
AC: :33< i hope you don’t f33l too bad about that  
AC: :33< i mean, i wanted to tell you but we had to work with karkat’s own plan and it was all kind of on short notice  
AC: :33< you know he gets a little control-freaky about stuff like that  
GC: HMMMHMMMM  
AC: :33< are you mad?  
AC: :((  
AC: :33< i know you two had a bit of a thing together but karkat specifically wanted to work on a relationship with m33nah  
GC: N3P3T4  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 SHOULD B3 COMPL3T3LY HON3ST W1TH YOU  
GC: YOU D3S3RV3 TH4T MUCH  
AC: :33< what is it?  
GC: TH3 TRUTH OF TH3 M4TT3R 1S  
GC: 1 M34N  
GC: HOW 1 F33L 4BOUT K4RK4T 4ND M33N4H G3TT1NG TOG3TH3R?  
AC: :33< yeah?!  
AC: :33< oh drat, i messed up didn’t i?  
AC: :33< im sorry, i should have told you sooner  
GC: 1 R34LLY DON’T C4R3 >:]  
AC: :33< WHAT?  
AC: :33< but i thought the two of you were just kinda skirting around the whole thing  
GC: Y34H, NOT R34LLY  
GC: K4RK4T 4ND D4V3 4R3 DO1NG TH3 SK1RT1NG 4ROUND BUT 1 JUMP3D OFF TH3 K4RK4T B4NDWAGON LONG 4GO  
GC: W3’R3 COOL BUT D3F1N1T3LY NOT GO1NG TO 3NT3R 4 QU4DR4NT TOG3TH3R 4NY T1M3 SOON  
AC: :33< not even black?  
AC: :33< pale maybe? ashen!?  
GC: 3H, M4YB3 4SH3N 1F ON3 OF US N33DS 4 M3D14TOR SOM3WH3R3  
GC: 1 WOULD PR3F3R 4SK1NG K4N4Y4 THOUGH  
GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK H3 W1LL TOO  
AC: :33< well that clears up some more space fur your ships  
AC: :33< karkat and vwiskers were like the most obvious starting points but both of them have matespurrits now  
GC: YOU SH1PP3D M3 W1TH VR1SK4?  
AC: :33< it doesn’t HAVE to be red per se  
GC: BUT 1T W4S?  
AC: :33< ……yeah  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 OH YOU JUST H4V3 TO T3LL TH4T TO VR1SK4  
AC: :33< nu uh!  
AC: :33< besides, she is with rufioh now so it doesn’t even catually matter now anyway  
AC: :33< maybe pale?  
GC: P4SS  
AC: :33< black?  
GC: HMMMM  
GC: HMMMMMMMMMMM  
GC: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  
GC: PROB4BLY NOT?  
AC: :33< i am not hearing a no!  
GC: 1 4M NOT G1V1NG 4 Y3S 31TH3R >:p  
GC: 1 4M NOT 3V3N G1V1NG YOU 4 M4YB3  
AC: :33< just try to stop me furom putting it on the maybe pile!  
GC: DON’T YOU PUT 1T ON TH3 M4YB3 P1L3!  
AC: :33< too late!  
AC: :33< consider it maybe’d!  
AC: :33< maybe dirk can do something fun with it  
AC: :33< i think he n33ds a little help to get the hang of black quadrants anyway  
GC: 1F H3 1S 4NYTH1NG L1K3 D4V3 H3 WONT 4PPR3C14T3 1T  
GC: OR H3 W1LL BUT R3M41N P3RF3CTLY STO1C 4BOUT 1T  
AC: :33< speaking of dave  
AC: :33< you two are puretty close, right?  
GC: P4SS  
AC: :33< on what quadrant?  
GC: 4LL OF TH3M  
GC: 1 TH1NK >:/  
AC: :33< you are sinking all of my purfect baby ships!  
AC: :33< all of them!  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 L1K3 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR R1D1NG H3R M1GHTY DR4GON TO 4RR3ST 4 TR34CH3ROUS G4MBL1G4NT!  
GC: OR TH3 OL1V3 BLOOD3D POUNC1LOR, H4RBOR1NG V3RY QU3ST1ON4BL3 SH1PS >:]  
AC: :33< but why not dave?  
GC: B3C4US3 H3 COMM1TS TO QU4DR4NTS 4BOUT 4S W3LL 4S K4RK4T  
GC: WH1CH 1SN’T 4 B4D TH1NG P3R S3 BUT M4K3S 4N 1NT1M4T3 R3L4T1ON R34LLY M3SSY R34LLY F4ST  
AC: :33< i thought you liked messy  
GC: NOT L1K3 TH1S  
GC: R3D LOOKS TOO P4L3 FOR H1M 4ND P4L3 LOOKS TOO R3D  
GC: 1 4M P3RF3CTLY W1LL1NG TO 4USP1ST1C3 FOR H1M 1F H3 N33DS ON3 BUT OTH3R TH4N TH4T 1 DON’T S33 US 1N 4 QU4DR4NT TOG3TH3R  
AC: :33< so finding him a moirail to show him the ropes might be impawtant  
AC: :33< meulin has her work cut out fur her  
GC: WH4T 4BOUT YOU?  
AC: :33< you want to get shipped with me!?  
AC: :33< i mean  
AC: :33< i hadn’t considered that…  
GC: NO, 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHO YOU SH1P YOURS3LF W1TH  
AC: :33< oooh  
AC: :33< i don’t really  
AC: :33< i mean, i haven’t really sat down to chart out all my own potential ships yet  
GC: COME ON, DON’T HOOFB34STSH1T M3 N3P3T4 >:]  
GC: YOU H4V3 4LL TH1S SH1PP1NG POW3R 4T YOUR COMM4ND 4ND YOU 4R3NT US1NG 1T?  
GC: 1 4M NOT 4N 1D1OT  
GC: WHO DO YOU W4NT TO S33 YOURS3LF 3ND1NG UP WITH?  
GC: 1 K1ND OF THOUGHT YOU’D DO SOM3TH1NG W1TH K4RK4T YOURS3LF BUT YOU JUST G4V3 H1M TO M33N4H W1THOUT PUTT1NG UP 4 F1GHT >:/  
AC: :33< pawnestly, i am completely ofur karkat  
GC: TH4T M4K3S TWO OF US   
AC: :33< i mean… he is a nice guy really, behind all that shouting and ranting  
AC: :33< but i don’t think we would be a good match  
AC: :33< especially not as long as he doesn’t have a moirail beclaws he r33lly s33ms way to stressed to be a fun matesprit  
GC: M33N4H S33MS TO D1G 1T  
AC: :33< well good fur her, i hope they are furry happy  
AC: :33< i wouldn’t want to break up another ship  
GC: SO YOU R34LLY DON’T H4V3 4NY 1D34S FOR YOUR OWN SH1PS?  
GC: WH4T 4BOUT K4N4Y4?  
AC: :33< she is nice?  
GC: T4VROS?  
AC: :33< he is also furry nice?  
GC: F3F3R1?  
AC: :33< rather not  
AC: :33< i mean she’s also r33lly nice, but after being a spurrite with her fur so it would be a little clawkward  
GC: WOULD 1T?  
AC: :33< trust me  
AC: :33< it was weird  
GC: SO M4YB3 1T WOULD WORK N1C3LY 4S 4 BL4CK TH1NG >:]  
AC: :33< nooooooooooooo  
GC: W3LL YOU 4R3 B31NG 4WFULLY D1FF1CULT  
GC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK YOU’D B3 H4PPY W1TH D4T1NG TH3 BOTTOM OF TH3 M3T4PHOR1C4L B4RR3L?  
GC: WH4T 1F 3R1D4N OR VR1SK4 OR K4NKR1 OR JOHN OR 4NY OTH3R DOUCH3B4G WOULD B3 TH3 L4ST S1NGL3 TROLL?  
AC: :33< im sure it wont come to that!  
AC: :33< right?  
GC: 1 HOP3 SO  
GC: 1T WOULD B3 W31RD TO S33 YOU D4T1NG VR1SK4  
AC: :33< more like it would be supurr scary!  
AC: :33< im catually puretty glad she and rufioh hooked up  
AC: :33< i wasn’t looking furward to shipping her   
GC: WH4T 4BOUT 3R1D4N?  
AC: :33< what about eridan?  
GC: YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO SH1P H1M TOO >:P  
AC: :33< i will ship him  
AC: :33< eventually  
AC: :33< im kinda hoping meulin or dirk will help him to a quadrant furst, so he’ll be less of a pain in the butt to deal with  
AC: :33< or that maybe he gets in a horrible accident tomorrow…  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
GC: DO YOU TH1NK TH4T WOULD WORK?  
AC: :33< no  
GC: W3LL 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 DO1NG GR34T  
AC: :33< really?  
GC: Y34H  
GC: K1ND4  
GC: DUR1NG TH3 G4M3 3V3RYON3’S R3L4T1ONS W3R3 4 M3SS BUT NOW W3 H4V3 TH3 T1M3 TO SORT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT, UNT4NGL3 TH3 M3SS TH4T W4S 3V3RYON3’S SOC14L L1F3, M33T N3W P3OPL3 4ND BU1LD SOM3TH1NG TH4T 4LMOST R3S3MBL3S 4 SOC13TY  
GC: SOM3T1M3S P3OPL3 JUST N33D 4 N3W SP1N ON TH1NGS 4ND YOU 4R3 H3LP1NG TH3M M4K3 TH3 MOST OF 1T  
AC: :33< aaaw thanks  
AC: :33< but i think a lot of people are hooking up without our help  
GC: M4YB3  
GC: BUT TH3R3 4R3 4LSO 4 LOT OF P3OPL3 L1K3 3R1D4N WHO W1LL D3F1N1T3LY N33D YOUR 4SS1ST4NC3  
GC: 4ND GOG KNOWS OUR D4NC3STORS 4R3 JUST ON3 B1G DR4M4BOMB W41T1NG TO BURST  
AC: :33< im sure it won’t be too bad  
GC: D1D YOU 3V3R T4LK TO K4NKR1 1N TH3 BUBBL3S?   
GC: OR CRONUS?  
GC: TRUST M3, 1T W1LL B3 TH4T B4D  
GC: LOOK ON 1T FROM TH3 BR1GHT S1DE  
GC: YOU’LL H4V3 FRONT ROW S34TS TO W4TCH TH3 POWD3R K3G BLOW>:]  
AC: :33< i just want to help efurryone hook up and maybe s33 some of my favorite ships come to life  
GC: L1K3?  
AC: :33< don’t you think equius and kanaya would be the most purrfect couple?  
AC: :33< ive had them on my shipping wall fur so long but nefur had a chance to test the waters!  
GC: NOT R34LLY?  
GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK 31TH3R OF TH3M 3V3R 3XPR3SS3D 1NT3R3ST 1N TH3 OTH3R?  
AC: :33< what about tavros and sollux?  
GC: M4YB3?  
GC: PROB4BLY NOT BUT M4YB3?  
AC: :33< fefurry and aradia!  
GC: H4H4H4 Y3S!  
AC: :33< really?  
GC: Y34H, 1 C4N S33 1T NOW!  
GC: YOU SHOULD D3F1N1T3LY WORK ON TH4T ON3!  
AC: :33< ok, i will!  
AC: :33< it’s a shame they aren’t traveling together tomorrow  
AC: :33< i could be all like; support team checking in  
AC: :33< are you making out yet?  
GC: H4H4H4H4 Y34H   
GC: 4T L34ST YOUR T34M SOUNDS L1K3 4 LOT OF FUN  
GC: M1SS1ON CONTROL 1S SO 1NCR3D1BLY BOR1NG  
GC: WOULD YOU M1ND 1F 1 4SK3D K4N4Y4 TO SW1TCH?  
GC: ROS3 1S COOL 4ND 4LL BUT 1 WOULD R4TH3R H4NG OUT W1TH YOU 4ND D4V3  
GC: 4ND 1 4M SUR3 K4N4Y4 WONT M1ND CH1LL1NG W1TH TH3 L4LOND3S  
AC: :33< wont karkat mind?  
GC: 1 4M SUR3 H3 W1LL  
GC: TH3 QU3ST1ON 1S WH3TH3R OR NOT 1 W1LL C4R3 >:]  
GC: 4ND 1F W3 G3T BOR3D RUNN1NG 4ROUND ON TH3 1SL4ND W3 C4N CONT1NU3 OUR ROL3PL4Y  
GC: D4V3 H4S H1S OWN CH4R4CT3R 4ND 3V3RYTHING  
AC: :33< really?  
AC: :33< that sounds like so much fun!  
AC: :33< its b33n so long since we’ve had a real rp!  
GC: 1 KNOW R1GHT!  
GC: D4V3 K1ND OF SUCKS BUT H3 W1LL B3 4 GR34T 4SS1ST4NT TO TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR  
AC: :33< aren’t you calling her redglare anymore?  
GC: 1 K1ND OF W4NT TOO B3C4US3, DUH, H4BB1TS  
GC: 4LSO, COMPL3T3LY B4D 4SS N4M3  
GC: BUT 1TS 4 L1TTL3 W31RD W1TH H3R B31NG 4CTU4LLY H3R3  
AC: :33< uhm, do you mean latula?  
GC: Y34H  
AC: :33< latula isn’t redglare :PP  
AC: :33< i mean, technically speaking  
AC: :33< we aren’t our dancestor’s ancestors either  
AC: :33< dancestor’s ancestors…  
AC: :33< it sounds so silly  
GC: H3H3H3, Y34H F1N3  
GC: BUT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO N33D 4 N4M3 FOR TH3 POUNC1LOR TOO  
GC: C4N’T B3 4 PROP3R RP 1F YOUR CH4R4CT3R DO3SN’T H4V3 4 N4M3  
GC: UNL3SS TH4T 1S 4LL P4RT OF 4 DR4M4T1C TW1ST  
GC: R3DGL4R3, 1 4M YOUR LUSUS!  
GC: 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG 4 DR4M4T1C TW1ST? >:O  
AC: :33< nope  
GC: DR4T, TH4T WOULD H4V3 B33N FUN  
GC: 4NYW4Y, 1 4M GO1NG TO TROLL K4N4Y4 UNT1L SH3 4GR33S TO CH4NG3 T34MS!  
AC: :33< alright!  
AC: :33< let me know how it goes  
GC: W1LL DO  
GC: S33 YOU TOMORROW

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

* * *

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

TG: yo  
TG: we cool?  
CG: STRIDER, WHAT THE ASSRAMMING FUCK COULD YOU POSSIBLY MEAN WITH, WHAT IS NO DOUBT THE VAGUEST FUCKING QUESTION YOU’VE ASKED ME ALL DAMN WEEK!?  
TG: i just asked man  
TG: are we cool  
CG: YES! OF COURSE WE ARE ‘COOL’.  
CG: WHAT HAS GIVEN YOU ANY REASON TO BELIEVE WE ARE ANYTHING ELSE THAN ABSOLUTELY FRIGID!?  
TG: right  
TG: not like one of us suddenly has a significant other in his life  
CG: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MEENAH!?  
CG: BECAUSE FOR ALL I KNOW, YOU ARE IMPLYING YOU FOUND YOURSELF AN AUSPISTICE TO BALANCE YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN EGO!  
TG: ouch man  
TG: that actually hurt my broiest of feelings  
TG: the manpain  
TG: it burns  
CG: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT…. THIS IS ABOUT MEENAH, FINE. I GET THAT, I AM BEING AN ASSHOLE.  
CG: BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY?  
CG: SORRY FOR NEVER TAKING IT UP WITH YOU, LIKE ‘HEY BRO, I AM GOING TO TRY AND SEDUCE MY OLD DEAD FLUSHCRUSH, SAY NOTHING IF YOU’RE COOL WITH THAT’?  
CG: SHOULD I HAVE GONE OUT OF MY WAY TO INFORM YOU THAT OUR LATE-NIGHT METEOR RENDEVOUZ’S ARE FOREVER A THING OF THE PAST, BECAUSE SPOILER ALERT: WE ARE NO LONGER ON THE FUCKING METEOR!?  
CG: SORRY BUT I AM LEAVING YOU TO DRY LIKE AN EXTRAORDINARILY WET TOWEL AMIDST A SCORCHING HOT SANDSTORM!! NO HARD FEELINGS, AM I RIGHT?!   
CG: OR SHOULD I SOMEHOW HAVE DONE SOMETHING EVEN MORE BLITHERINGLY STUPID LIKE BEG FOR YOUR HYPOTHETICAL FORGIVENESS WITH ONE HAND WHILE TRYING TO SOLIDIFY MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MEENAH WITH THE OTHER!?  
TG: solidifying things with one hand is one of the greatest things you can do with your spare time  
CG: HEY SORRY ABOUT NOT TAKING THIS UP WITH YOU BUT I AM ABOUT TO STICK MY BULGE IN PREVIOUSLY DEAD SEATROLL. THANKS BRO, I’VE HAD MY FUN AND NOW ITS TIME TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE!?  
CG: GREAT PLAN THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN.  
CG: LOOK, WE NEVER SETTLED FOR A FUCKING QUADRANT AND I THOUGHT….. FUCK.  
CG: I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT WAS *NOW* AND WHAT I REALLY WANTED AND…..  
CG: YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES, TWO PEOPLE JUST….?  
CG: OKAY, I AM STAMMERING LIKE A BLEEDING IDIOT, HANG ON.  
CG: DEEP BREATHS….  
CG: BACK ON THE METEOR WE BOTH *NEEDED* WHAT WE HAD. THERE WASN’T A NEED TO GIVE IT A NAME OR PICK A QUADRANT IT JUST FELT RIGHT AND WE BOTH NEEDED SOMETHING THAT FELT RIGHT AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT.  
CG: AT LEAST, I THINK WE BOTH DID. DIDN’T YOU FEEL THE….. NEVER MIND, MOVING ON.  
CG: WEIRD AS IT WAS, I HAVE NO REGRETS AND I SINCERELY FUCKING HOPE THAT YOU DON’T EITHER AND THAT YOU DON’T HATE MY FUCKING GUTS FOR TAKING MEENAH AS MY MATESPRIT NOW.  
CG: HONESTLY, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT, US, IT MADE BEING ON THAT HORRIBLE 1.3 SWEEPS METEOR RIDE SOMEWHAT LESS MISERABLE.  
CG: BUT THE SITUATION HAS CHANGED. THERE ARE DIFFERENT RULES HERE, OR MORE ACCURATELY THERE IS A MASSIVE FUCKING LACK THEREOF.   
CG: AND DESPITE THAT… I DON’T THINK WE COULD HAVE EVER SETTLED AS MATESPRITS.  
CG: MAYBE ITS HUMAN INSTINCT, MAYBE IT IS ONE OF MY *MANY* MALFUNCTIONS BUT WE ALWAYS WANDER FROM RED, TO PALE, TO BLACK, SOMETIMES EVEN TO FUCKING ASHEN!  
CG: I JUST CAN’T SETTLE DOWN WITH YOU AND YOU AREN’T MAKING IT ANY EASIER FOR ME TO GET IN A STABLE RELATION WITH YOU!  
CG: WHAT KIND OF IMBECILE DOES THAT MAKE ME?!  
CG: I DIDN’T MIND IT SO MUCH ON THE METEOR BECAUSE, LIKE I SAID, I THINK WE BOTH NEEDED IT BUT HERE IT’S A BIT OF A DIFFERENT STORY….  
CG: WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE UNFORTUNATELY DO KIND OF LOOK AT ME AS THEIR LEADER. AND IF THEY DON’T, THEY PROBABLY SHOULD BECAUSE I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED WITH SOME BASIC FUCKING SAFETY MEASURES AROUND THIS PLACE.  
CG: BUT IF I START FLAILING AROUND IN MY QUADRANTS LIKE A SQUALING APEBEAST, WE WILL GET AN EXACT REPEAT OF THE GAME WHEREIN NO ONE TAKES KARKAT SERIOUSLY!  
CG: IT WOULD BE LIKE TEREZI 2.0.  
TG: tz is the shit  
CG: I KNOW, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.  
CG: EVEN *IF* SOMEHOW ALL THOSE ISSUES WERE RESOLVED…. *IF* WE COULD COME TO AN AGREEMENT TO BECOME MATESPRITS, NO MORE JUMPING QUADRANTS LIKE A CONCUBINE THE NIGHT THE TROOPS COME HOME AND ACTUALLY GET IN A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP….  
CG: I JUST….  
CG: I DON’T KNOW IF IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH.  
CG: I REALLY LIKE MEENAH.  
CG: ITS CLICHÉ, ITS CHEESIER THAN A BLUEBLOOD’S IDEA OF A BUFFET AND CORNIER THAN THE REGULAR DIET OF DIRTPOOR LOWBLOODS BUT IT’S TRUE.  
CG: AND THIS IS NOTHING PERSONAL BECAUSE TRUST ME, YOU MIGHT JUST BE THE MOST TROLL-LIKE OF ALL HUMANS (AND I MEAN THIS IS A COMPLIMENT) AND DESPITE THE CONTINUOUS VERBAL JABS, YOU ARE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I ACTUALLY, SINCERELY CONSIDER A ‘BRO’.  
CG: BUT BEING WITH MEENAH… I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. IT’S LIKE A HUGE MIDDLE FINGER TO MY OLD LIFE ON ALTERNIA, THAT SOMEONE LIKE ME IS ALLOWED TO BE THIS HAPPY.  
CG: IT ALMOST COMPELS ME TO WEAR FACEPAINT AND BEGIN SINGING THE JAUNTIEST FUCKING TUNE ABOUT MIRACLES. FORTUNATELY, I AM NOT THAT MUCH OF AN IDIOT YET.  
CG: SO, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION…..  
CG: IF YOUR COOL, THEN I’M COOL.  
TG: alright  
TG: quick suggestion  
TG: before you start typing again  
CG: WHAT!?  
TG: take a deep breath and take a step away from the keyboard  
TG: seriously look at the fucking essay you just vomited onto your keyboard  
TG: im pretty sure even kankri wouldn’t bother reading all that shit  
TG: he would be jealous of a sermon this righteous  
CG: DON’T EVEN START THAT SHIT!  
TG: like  
TG: i heard about a thousand monkeys and a thousand typewriters  
TG: but all we need to do to make you write an epic worthy of shakespear is put you in an uncomfortable romantic situation  
TG: seriously man  
TG: channel this energy  
TG: we will write all the books  
TG: all of them  
TG: lets put you in the most awkward romantic situations to get your creative juices flowing  
TG: it’s a good thing i brought tz along just for the occasion  
CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!!  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: just messing with you  
TG: she would be equally weirded out  
TG: probably  
TG: she is difficult to weird out  
CG: YOU ARE SCUM.  
TG: maybe you should sleep on your stomach tonight  
CG: WHAT THE SHIT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?  
TG: because you sound seriously butthurt  
CG: STRIIIIIIDEEEEEEERRR!!!!!!!  
TG: no seriously  
TG: i am glad the bae is working out for you  
TG: i would be seriously miffed if you left me at the altar for a woman you are not a 100% serious about  
CG: REALLY? YOU AREN’T EVEN A LITTLE DISTRAUGHT BY ME NOW HAVING A MATESPRIT?  
TG: disappointed?  
TG: maybe?  
TG: but you know me  
TG: by this time next week ill probably be balls deep into some alien honey  
TG: or human  
TG: i don’t know which will present itself first  
CG: HAVE YOU EVEN *TALKED* TO PEOPLE SINCE GETTING HERE?!  
TG: duh  
TG: kinda hard not to  
TG: i got the gift of gap on my kiddie camper handisash and everything  
CG: YES, NO, I MEAN OUTSIDE OF ME, EGBERT AND MAYBE TEREZI?  
TG: how about jade and rose  
CG: THEY DON’T COUNT EITHER  
TG: i briefly talked to dirk about time travel the other day  
CG: WHAT THE BUTTER ON FUCKTOAST DOES THAT ASSHOLE NEED WITH TIME TRAVEL!?  
TG: i don’t know  
TG: something about the megidos maybe using it to pull a prank on him  
TG: i wasn’t really paying attention  
CG: SO HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BE ‘BALLS DEEP’ INTO ANYONE IF YOU AREN’T EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONVERSE WITH ANYONE!?  
CG: WHO DO YOU EXPECT TO SEDUCE AND HOW!?  
TG: what do you care  
CG: YOU ARE A DESPERATE LOSER AND I HAPPEN TO BE THE GREATEST ROMANTIC EXPERT CURRENTLY ALIVE, BAR NONE.  
CG: IT DOESN’T TAKE A GENIUS TO FIGURE OUT I INTEND TO WILL SMITH THIS SITUATION!  
TG: yikes  
TG: don’t let the leijons hear that  
CG: I’VE SEEN WHAT CONSTITUTES AS ROMANCE TO THEM AND I AM NOT IMPRESSED!  
CG: SO WHO CAN I HELP YOU SEDUCE STRIDER!?  
TG: im not going to seduce anyone  
TG: im going to win them over by my awkwardness  
CG: UUUGH….  
CG: YOU ARE THE SINGLE MOST PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?  
TG: see  
TG: it is already working  
TG: soon i will be covered in honeys  
CG: SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU AREN’T THE LEAST BIT BOTHERED ABOUT ME DATING MEENAH WHILE YOU STAND ON THE SIDELINES LIKE A PATHETIC SACK OF SHIT?  
TG: not at all  
TG: its like the thing that bothers me the least right now  
TG: its right under the results of the 2016 elections in my long list of concerns  
TG: spoiler alert  
TG: barack is going to own it again  
CG: YOU ARE DOING THIS HORRIBLE HUMAN THING AGAIN!  
CG: YOU ALWAYS TRY TO DEFLECT UNCOMFORTABLE ISSUES WITH THIS INSUFFERABLE FAUX IRONY!  
TG: faux irony  
TG: this shit is 100% legit  
TG: i aint throwing no fit  
TG: man there is no need for posing cause im hot when i spit  
TG: pretty sure that was either tupac  
TG: or igloo australia  
TG: its been a while since ive been with the scene  
CG: MY PATIENCE IS SLOWLY DESCENDING INTO THE VAST OBLIVION THAT IS NON-EXISTENCE DAVE!  
CG: I AM TIRED OF YOU NEVER HAVING THE FUCKING SHAMEGLOBES TO CONFRONT YOUR MANY *MANY* HANG UPS REGARDING THINGS LIKE THIS.  
TG: woah we talking balls now  
CG: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND JUST BE FUCKING HONEST WITH ME IF OUR QUASI BRO-HOOD IS SOMETHING YOU HOLD DEAR!!  
TG: way to get your serious on  
TG: damn  
CG: YEAH I KNOW IM BEING HARSH BUT FOR SOME STUPID REASON YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ACT LIKE A DIPSHIT WHENEVER FEELINGS GET INVOLVED AND FRANKLY IT DISGUSTS ME.   
CG: IT WAS ANNOYING ON THE METEOR AND IT IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE INTOLERABLE NOW!  
CG: SO TALK TO ME AND LETS BE HONEST AS TRUE ‘BRO’S’ OUGHT TO BE!  
CG: OR DID I SOMEHOW MISINTERPRET THIS ENTIRE HUMAN ‘BRODACIOUS’ RELATION BETWEEN EARTH BRO’S?!  
TG: what do you want me to say  
TG: yeah i feel like yesterday’s news but you know how it goes  
TG: the presses keep rolling  
TG: journos have to get paid somehow  
TG: but like  
TG: im happy for you  
TG: the self-proclaimed freak getting it on with royalty  
TG: pretty sure that was like your third favorite trope in those horrible stories  
CG: NOT FEELING DOWN OR ANYTHING?  
TG: i guess  
TG: just a bit  
TG: if you must know  
TG: but its pretty cool you dig meenah so much  
TG: 10/10 would be left hanging again  
TG: i wont be a jealous third wheel so if you wanted to live every romcom ever made you are going to be severely disappointed  
CG: RIGHT NOW I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY ROMCOM FANTASIES I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE!  
CG: I AM TRYING TO HONOR MY PART OF THE UNSPOKEN BRO-AGREEMENT AND YOU ARE MAKING THIS A LOT MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TO BE!  
TG: i already told you right  
TG: geesh  
TG: its like you want me to overreact on this  
TG: not like im about to plunge myself from the tower  
TG: probably hurts like heck  
TG: im not into that shit  
CG: ALRIGHT…  
CG: SO, ARE WE COOL?  
TG: dude  
TG: i just asked you that 10 minutes ago  
CG: YEAH BUT…  
CG: *ARE* WE COOL?  
TG: arctic  
TG: so what kinda dates do you intend to take fishpuns mcstabsaplenty  
TG: cant imagine she is the candlelight dinner kind of gal  
TG: or maybe she is  
TG: which would be hilarious  
CG: WE ARE WORKING ON THAT.  
CG: HONESTLY, CHANCES ARE WE’LL BE WORKING THE FIRST WEEKS ON GETTING RID OF ALL THE IMPS AND SUCH.  
CG: I MEAN, IF TOMORROW TURNS OUT TO BE A SUCCESS WE WILL GRADUALLY MOVE ONTO OUR SGRUB LANDS TO RECLAIM THOSE AND LORD KNOWS MEENAH DOESN’T SHY AWAY FROM A SKIRMISH OR TWO….  
CG: DOZEN.  
CG: I KIND OF SUCK AT IT BUT YOU KNOW, I’M WITH GOOD COMPANY.  
CG: HECK, SHE ACTUALLY LETS ME HAVE THE KILLING BLOW FOR THE EXP EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.  
TG: yeah about that  
CG: WHAT!?  
CG: ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS DOESN’T SOUND ROMANTIC AT ALL!?  
TG: what  
TG: no  
TG: whatever floats your boat man  
TG: if this constitutes your version of troll romance then go for it  
CG: OH.  
TG: i was going to comment on that whole getting rid of the imps thing  
TG: because i noticed a discerning lack of imps at the tower today and a unprecedented amount of nakadiles  
CG: YES. THE UNDERLINGS ARE DEFEATED AND THE CONSORTS WILL THRIVE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE LANDS.  
TG: you knew  
CG: YOU DIDN’T?!  
CG: I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO THE POINT OF INVALIDATING A FUCKING EXPLANATION!  
TG: goddamnit  
TG: cant wait to be elbow-deep in crocodilerump again  
TG: that should be fun  
TG: i swear if even one of them things to try and make dave soup again i will turn all of them into handbags  
CG: THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE GROSSEST INNUENDO YOU MADE ALL WEEK!  
TG: what  
CG: DAVE SOUP?!  
CG: ARE YOU STOOPING SO LOW AS TO CALL IT THAT STRIDER!?  
CG: ARE YOU SO STEEPED INTO THE REALMS OF DEBAUCHERY THAT EVEN YOUR CONSORTS AREN’T SAFE ANYMORE?!  
TG: no  
TG: see that shit was literal  
TG: i probably would have been delicious too  
TG: lil red bastards didn’t even need to light a fire because i was way hot already  
CG: I AM NOT SURE HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT.  
TG: great  
TG: so now we put the pleasantries behind us  
TG: you are putting me on the support team  
TG: but dirk gets to go in an ass squad   
TG: are you shitting me  
CG: I AM DEAD SERIOUS  
TG: dude  
TG: i am at least 4 levels higher than dirk  
TG: and don’t even pretend that having two timeplayers in one team wouldn’t make any boss shit its pants  
TG: whelp two timeplayers just showed up on my doorstep  
TG: do i kill myself now or will i wait for them to make sure i’ll never be born in the first place  
CG: YES BUT UNLIKE ARADIA OR EVEN DIRK, YOU HAVEN’T LEVELED YOUR SKILL TREE LIKE A THE DAFTEST MORON OF THE BUNCH!  
TG: i swear to god  
TG: i will make a mixtape with kanaya if im stuck with this team  
TG: it will be the freshest thing  
CG: THAT IS A RISK I AM WILLING TO TAKE!  
CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN *WANT* TO BE IN THE ASS TEAM?!  
CG: YOU SEEM ENTIRELY IMPASSIVE ABOUT KILLING UNDERLINGS OR DOING ANYTHING REMOTELY PRODUCTIVE!  
TG: i don’t know man  
TG: it’s what i do i guess  
TG: it’s what im good at  
TG: plus dirk is in one of the ass teams and i cant let him be the only strider carrying our brand you know  
TG: you want to get sales you got to think smart about that kind of junk  
TG: don’t just sling the people their regular and spicey varieties  
TG: mix it up and reinvent the entire spice rack while you’re at it  
TG: that’s how we roll  
TG: assaulting all of your taste buds at once  
TG: 100% pure texan flavor  
CG: ARE YOU JUST SPOUTING RANDOM WORDS NOW?!  
TG: yes  
CG: ALRIGHT, TELL YOU WHAT.   
CG: I AM SWITCHING YOU AND DIRK IF YOU PROMISE TO ACTUALLY USE YOUR FUCKING ABILITIES TOMORROW.  
TG: yeah  
TG: no  
TG: im not doing that  
CG: THEN I CAN’T PUT YOU IN ONE OF THE ASSAULT TEAMS EITHER!  
TG: dude  
CG: WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING DEAL WITH IGNORING YOUR ENTIRE ASPECT ANYWAY!?  
CG: THE GAME IS OVER! OUR ONLY *REAL* WORRIES ARE THOSE MAKARAS SCHEMING IN THE SHADOWS SOMEWHERE AND THE POTENTIAL LEVEL SPIKE IN BOSS-LEVEL ENEMIES!  
TG: that’s the thing   
TG: it isn’t over  
TG: at least not for me and the megidos  
TG: whenever we time travel we have to take everything we know into account  
TG: one ill timed breath  
TG: one misspelled word  
TG: one displaced dorito  
TG: anything can set a butterfly effect into motion that’ll fuck everything up and doom a timeline  
TG: too much pressure that  
TG: i aint doing that  
TG: i say we do a jump to the left and then ignore the time warp completely  
CG: WELL, FINE. I CAN RESPECT THAT.  
CG: BUT I AM NOT PUTTING YOU IN THE ASS TEAM!  
TG: fine  
TG: more a boobs guy anyway  
TG: heyo  
TG: i mean it could be worse  
TG: i could be stuck with the healing team  
CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM FULFILLING A VERY IMPORTANT FUNCTION PROTECTING THOSE DWEEBS FROM BODILY HARM!  
CG: THOUGH I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY EMOTIONAL DAMAGE AT THE HAND OF SOME SERIOUS VERBAL ABUSE BECAUSE *SOMEONE* STILL THINKS WE ARE PLAYING A GAME!  
TG: aren’t we  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: so not fish-hitler gets to go adventuring and you have to hang with the fish princess and johns hot mom  
TG: that’s neat  
CG: LIKE I JUST SAID: IT IS AN IMPORTANT TASK!  
CG: NOT ONLY THAT, VRISKA AND ARANEA ARE HIGHER LEVELED THAN ME. IT IS CALLED DELEGATING, WHICH IS SOMETHING *SERIOUS* LEADERS DO!  
TG: oh i can see the scandal now   
TG: meenah and vriska lock eyes  
TG: old sparks reignite  
TG: then they lock lips and lose the keys  
TG: accidentally of course  
CG: WHY ARE THERE STILL WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!?  
TG: shits and giggles  
CG: UUURGH… I HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO RIGHT NOW.  
TG: like your fishy gf  
TG: boom  
TG: mic drop  
TG: exit stage left  
CG: WHAT IF THAT IS INDEED THE BETTER SHIT I AM TALKING ABOUT, YOU ACE DICK?!  
TG: well then i would look quite silly  
CG: YOU REALLY DIDN’T NEED MY HELP FOR THAT!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]\--

TG: damn  
TG: i definitely had a comeback for that

* * *

 

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ascendedTaurus [AT]\--

GG: rufioh!  
GG: rufioh!!!  
GG: rufioh!!!!!!!  
GG: RUFIOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AT: damn jade…  
AT: those certa1nly are a lot of shoutpoles you are throw1ng at me.  
GG: well, that’s for not responding to your moirail like you should :B  
AT: yeah, sorry about that…  
AT: hang1ng out w1th vr1ska and stuff.  
AT: she k1nd of demands a lot of attent1on.  
AT: not that 1 part1cularly m1nd…  
AT: but yeah, couldn’t reply.  
GG: oh!  
GG: okay, that is a very valid excuse then and i am sorry for being impatient  
AT: that’s cool.  
AT: what d1d you want to talk about jade?  
GG: i have the best news!  
GG: it is…………..  
GG: ………………………………………….  
GG: …………………………………………………………………………………..  
AT: k1ll1ng me w1th ant1c1pat1on here…  
GG: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..!!!!!!  
GG: we get to go to my island together tomorrow!  
AT: oh sweet.  
AT: that sounds l1ke fun.  
GG: yes!  
GG: i can’t wait to show you around  
GG: the frog temple is really cool  
GG: if you are an adventure sorta guy, which i think you are, you will like it :)  
AT: adventure does sound l1ke a th1ng 1 would be do1ng.  
GG: unfortunately, we’ll be stuck on scouting duty  
AT: come aga1n?  
GG: well, you have to play spotter for me and eridan, since you can fly.  
GG: then we shoot down what enemies we can and warn the rest if there is anything coming their way  
AT: hmmm…  
AT: 1 better alchem1ze some proper b1noculars or someth1ng.  
AT: because 1t sounds l1ke 1 may need those to do my job and help you guys.  
GG: i guess  
GG: it would have been more fun to actually get to travel all over the island  
GG: maybe the others will round up the bosses quickly so i can show you around  
AT: no rush.  
AT: l1ke, 1f we are too busy tomorrow we can always come back whenever.  
AT: t1me a1nt really an 1ssue r1ght now.  
GG: that’s true!  
GG: we can go whenever we want and that is awesome  
GG: i just really want to show off :P  
AT: that’s cool.  
AT: 1f the realm of zephyr and sand 1s anyth1ng l1ke 1 remember, 1 would l1ke to take you there as well.  
AT: though 1ts mostly just sand and w1ndm1lls so 1t m1ght not be that 1nterest1ng.  
GG: i would still love to see it  
GG: and hey, at least i’ll get to show you the volcano tomorrow  
AT: you mean that mounta1n?  
GG: yup  
AT: 1 d1dn’t know 1t was a volcano…  
AT: are you sure 1ts safe?  
GG: of course!  
GG: i lived on that island for thirteen years and it never once erupted  
AT: oh, that’s good.  
GG: then again, jake said his did erupt at one special occasion…. :/  
AT: oh…  
GG: it was only the one time and the world was ending anyway so i don’t think it counts?  
GG: but chances of something going wrong with the volcano are pretty much nihil  
GG: but i guess we’ll have to wait till we get there to know for sure  
AT: that’s not really reassur1ng but alr1ght.  
AT: who was jo1n1ng us?  
GG: eridan  
AT: oh, you mean cronus’s dancestor.  
GG: i think?  
AT: 1s he cool?  
GG: err…… maybe?  
GG: i only talked to him once and he was a little annoying  
GG: but that was literally years ago, so maybe he’s nicer now?  
AT: 1f he 1s anyth1ng l1ke our ampora tomorrow m1ght become a really long day…  
GG: oh im sure it’ll be fine  
AT: def1n1tely.  
AT: 1 mean, we could always d1tch h1m…  
GG: be nice :P  
AT: 1’ll be good but you know, just keep1ng 1t 1n m1nd…  
AT: err hold on…  
GG: ok  
GG: what’s going on?  
AT: eh, not much. vr1ska seems a l1ttle antsy.  
AT: 1 th1nk she 1s chatt1ng w1th meenah…  
GG: oh cool  
AT: hmm… 1 don’t know…  
AT: l1ke, they k1nd of dated 1n the bubbles for a wh1le, r1ght?  
AT: what 1f they st1ll remember that?  
GG: im not sure if that’s possible  
GG: do you remember stuff your other versions did?  
AT: 1t 1s k1nd of vague really but… yeah, a few th1ngs  
AT: l1ke, 1m pretty sure a vers1on of me dated a vers1on of porr1m, 1t was crazy  
GG: hahaha oh that would have been a whole other matespritship  
GG: you womanizer :P  
AT: heh, 1 guess 1 can’t help myself  
AT: but what am 1 go1ng to do about vr1ska?  
AT: oh heavens…  
AT: th1s would be the un1verses way of pun1sh1ng me for the way 1 treated horuss.  
GG: rufioh, no!  
GG: shoosh!  
AT: 1m ser1ous.  
GG: yes, so am i, so shoosh :B  
AT: alr1ght, f1ne…  
AT: cons1der me shooshed then.  
GG: good!  
GG: because you did nothing wrong and you should really not feel too bad about breaking up with horuss  
GG: you told me he’d take it badly and maybe he did but he will get over it because its better in the long run  
GG: im sure his moirail talked to him by now  
AT: yeah, probably…  
GG: imagine what would have happened if you stayed with horuss  
AT: 1’d probably st1ll be avo1d1ng h1m, wouldn’t have a k1ck-ass matespr1t and probably be pretty darn m1serable  
GG: and you deserve better than that!  
GG: and don’t worry about vriska cheating on you  
GG: she knows what happens when she messes with my moirail :P  
AT: 1 know but l1ke, what 1f she has a better connect1on w1th meenah or someth1ng?  
AT: 1 am a pretty ch1ll dude and all but what 1f she just…  
AT: man, 1 don’t know…  
GG: you can always try talking with her, that usually works  
GG: maybe do something romantic for her  
AT: l1ke what?  
GG: i don’t know, what does she like?  
AT: she actually l1kes pretty nerdy games… err, the one w1th the funny d1ce and f1gures?  
AT: anyway, apparently she 1s crazy about that stuff  
GG: nope, don’t know about that one :/  
AT: 1t 1s l1ke a v1deogame, just w1th pen, paper and do1ng funny vo1ces…  
GG: sounds interesting?  
AT: 1ts pretty cute really…  
GG: well, maybe ask her to teach you  
GG: show interest in the things she likes  
AT: hmmm, yeah 1 can do that…  
AT: thanks jade, you are a good mo1ra1l.  
GG: aaaaaw yes! :)  
AT: speak1ng of wh1ch, uhm…  
AT: how are *YOU* feel1ng?  
GG: oh, im okay  
GG: back to gardening with roxy, kanaya and porrim today  
GG: it’s a lot of fun  
GG: some of the faster growing vegetables are already sprouting!  
AT: oh, that’s good, 1 th1nk…  
GG: it means that next year we may produce enough fresh food to not need the alchemitter for food stuff anymore!  
AT: but what 1f 1 want someth1ng l1ke grubloaf?  
AT: 1 don’t th1nk we have grubs here…  
GG: hmmmm….  
GG: i’m sure we’ll figure something out  
AT: sounds good to me.  
AT: but noth1ng else 1s up?  
AT: no pent up feel1ngs or rage that need pac1fy1ng?  
GG: no?  
AT: really?  
AT: noth1ng at all?  
GG: should i?  
AT: no but l1ke… maybe… someone who 1 need to beat up for you?  
GG: no, of course not!  
GG: what’s gotten into you?  
AT: well, 1 am just wonder1ng…  
AT: 1 know 1 have a few hang-ups and you really help me out w1th those… qu1te n1cely 1 must say…  
AT: others may th1nk 1 am all cool all the t1me l1ke, bangarang1ng or whatever, but really 1 am k1nd of out of my element maybe?  
AT: l1ke, 1 never dated a human before so 1 am not 100% sure on what to say or do…  
GG: oh, but that’s okay!  
GG: im never 100% sure what to say or do but that doesn’t stop me :B  
GG: and i never dated a troll either, so don’t worry about it!  
AT: yeah but l1ke... you don’t get angry nearly as much as a regular troll and that 1s k1nd of a b1g part of the whole mo1ra1lleg1ance th1ng…  
GG: oh!  
GG: should i get more angry at people?  
GG: because i can try that  
AT: well, no… 1 mean, 1t wouldn’t be really YOU, 1 suppose…  
AT: 1t just k1nd of makes me feel l1ke a useless mo1ra1l…  
GG: aww don’t worry about it  
GG: i know that if im having any sort of trouble or feel down or anything, you’ll always be there t help me  
GG: and that means a lot to me, really  
GG: so don’t feel bad about not helping me as much  
AT: hmmm st1ll… there are th1ngs 1 can do, 1 guess…  
GG: like what?  
AT: well uhm…  
AT: 1f 1 were to draw l1ke a p1e th1ng1e, one b1g sl1ce would be all about the pac1f1cat1on j1g 1 just talked about…  
AT: another b1g sl1ce would be about uhm…  
AT: well…  
AT: help1ng you f1nd a k1smes1s and a matespr1t…  
AT: and s1nce 1 am already k1nd of settled 1n that part1cular department, maybe 1 can be of serv1ce?  
GG: hmmmm…. i don’t know  
GG: i hadn’t really thought about dating anyone  
AT: 1f you don’t want to, we really don’t have too.  
AT: 1f you are uncomfortable or whatever…  
GG: no, no, we can totally do this  
GG: it’s just that my first and last relationship was with the sprite version of one of my best friends, whom i killed, then revived by kissing his corpse, after which he went on a suicide mission  
GG: after which i spent three years on a boat where my brother’s planet exploded while he was on it  
GG: after which my boyfriend, who was also a bird disappeared  
AT: yeah, that’s… d1ff1cult to top…  
GG: see, i could really use a good feelingsjam about that some time :P  
AT: 1ts a heavy one, for sure…  
GG: right?  
GG: but first shipping!  
GG: what did you have in mind?  
AT: well, go1ng by the people 1n my team who AREN’T awful…  
AT: there 1s damara, 1f you can tolerate her…  
GG: i thought you hated her?  
AT: yeah…  
AT: she 1s st1ll better than some of the other opt1ons…  
AT: m1tuna 1s slowly becom1ng more tolerable but he already has a matespr1t…  
AT: how would you feel about meul1n?  
GG: uhm… i don’t know?  
GG: she seemed nice though  
GG: she was super friendly when she shipped us  
AT: 1’ll 1ntroduce you some t1me, see how that goes…  
GG: you really put a lot of thought into this :P  
AT: there 1s kankr1… but 1 can’t do that to you…  
AT: porr1m? maybe?  
GG: porrim is nice  
GG: she is always really friendly when we work together  
GG: and i love her tattoos, they are so pretty!  
AT: n1ce…  
AT: chalk1ng that up as a def1n1te maybe.  
AT: latula 1s st1ll w1th m1tuna, one would have to be an 1d1ot to assume otherw1se…  
AT: what about aranea?  
GG: who?  
AT: k1nda rude but okay…  
AT: the rest 1s k1nd of bottom of the barrel, w1th horuss and cronus.  
AT: unless you are 1nto cronus, wh1ch would be cool guess but l1ke… please don’t.  
GG: i didn’t really talk with cronus to be honest  
AT: alr1ght, that’s good.  
AT: anyone from your team maybe?  
GG: i don’t think so :/  
GG: it would be really awkward dating dave after dating davesprite  
GG: dating rose would be kind of cool but i think we are more like super best friends?  
GG: at least, i think she also feels like that  
GG: kind of a sorta moirail but not quite  
AT: okay good, because that 1s st1ll my job.  
AT: ]:P  
GG: well, we talked about it, because now we both have awesome troll moirails and stuff  
GG: but unless something really weird happens i don’t see rose and me becoming pale like that  
AT: maybe you can go l1ke, ashen for her?  
GG: im not sure what that is…..  
AT: 1’ll explain later but f1rst… any other human sh1ps?  
GG: not really?  
GG: i guess dirk and roxy are possible but i don’t really know them  
GG: they seem like nice people though  
AT: what about the black ha1red humans?  
GG: those are all my extended ecto family :)  
GG: john is basically my brother, jake is a genetic copy of my grandpa and jane is… my aunt?  
GG: i don’t know, the ectobiology thing got really confusing @_@  
GG: but it would be super weird to date them!  
AT: 1s that a human th1ng?  
AT: 1t sounds l1ke a human th1ng…  
GG: it is!  
AT: yeah, trolls don’t really take 1ssue w1th that…  
AT: just look at the captors.  
GG: yes but you guys are super weird :P  
AT: more l1ke you guys are super we1rd ]:P  
GG: nu uh!  
AT: def1n1tely the we1rdest  
GG: oh quiet!  
GG: you are the weird one!  
AT: yeah, 1 k1nd of learned to l1ve w1th that… w1ngs and all that.  
GG: oh yeah :P  
AT: so the dancestor trolls then?  
AT: any potent1al redroms there?  
GG: you are really thorough, aren’t you :P  
AT: just want to get you the best sh1p.  
GG: let’s see….  
GG: feferi is super nice and sweet  
GG: at first i was a little scared of her but we met in a strange way and she did always try to help me out  
GG: plus fishpuns are the best!  
AT: err… not really…  
AT: or… to be more exact: really not…  
GG: whatever!  
AT: but yeah, add1ng l1l pe1xes to the maybe p1le then.  
AT: what else do we got?  
GG: hmmmm……  
GG: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………………  
GG: kanaya?  
GG: but that would be super weird as well, because she is technically rose’s ex matesprit so maybe not?  
GG: tavros is pretty nice but i don’t think i like him thát way  
AT: why not?  
GG: he is really sweet but… really insecure?  
GG: i don’t know, i just don’t see it happening  
AT: 1f 1t changes your m1nd… he has the best genes ]:P  
GG: hahahahaha im sure he does :P  
GG: but he is also kind of responsible for the death of my grandpa  
AT: awkward…  
GG: yeah…  
GG: speaking of awkward <_<  
AT: what 1s 1t?  
GG: promise you won’t tell anyone?  
AT: of course.  
AT: mo1ra1l’s honor.  
GG: ok.  
GG: i may have had kind of a crush on karkat at some point?  
GG: back when we were playing the game?  
AT: kankr1’s dancestor?  
AT: damn…  
AT: that’s k1nd of we1rd.  
GG: no it isn’t :P  
GG: i mean, he was mostly rude and loud but there was something adorable behind him pretending to be this big bad troll  
GG: it never really went anywhere and now he is with meenah so it doesn’t matter  
AT: want me to break them up?  
GG: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!  
GG: don’t do that!  
GG: that’s really mean!  
AT: oh… alr1ght.  
AT: so just gonna work w1th what sh1ps we do have then…   
AT: …  
AT: now what do 1 do?  
GG: what do you mean?  
AT: l1ke, what do the sh1ppers do when they have the1r potent1al sh1ps?  
AT: what would le1jon do when she has her hands on the 1nformat1on 1 have currently w1th1n my possess1on?  
GG: i don’t know?  
GG: ask them  
AT: oh no, that 1s a bad 1dea…  
AT: she w1ll go so stark rav1ng mad w1th sh1pp1ng 1deas that you w1ll have two matespr1ts by tomorrow…  
GG: sounds fun :P  
AT: jade, no.  
AT: let me try and worry about your quadrants before we get the le1jons 1nvolved… because l1ke… that’s what good human mo1ra1ls do, r1ght?  
GG: uhm… i think so?  
GG: yes, definitely!  
GG: <>  
AT: <>  
AT: how about we d1scuss the deta1ls tomorrow?  
AT: 1 k1nd of need to go upgrade my gear to be ready and stuff…  
AT: because l1ke… 1 really don’t expect 1t to be a walk 1n the park…  
GG: that’s cool  
GG: but im sure we’ll be fine  
GG: i’ll go check on our garden but you are free to join me if you have the time  
AT: 1’ll keep 1t 1n m1nd  
AT: later jade  
AT: <>  
GG: see you soon!  
GG: <>  
AT: oh look…  
AT: vr1ska 1s also gett1ng up.  
AT: probably gett1ng geared up as well and…  
AT: oh.  
AT: r1ght…  
AT: uhm… don’t expect me 1n the garden jade.  
AT: 1 really got to uhm… take care of th1s.

\--ascendedTaurus [AT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]\--

* * *

 

\--casualArtist [CA] began trolling genderAbberance [GA]\--

CA: hey maryam.  
CA: wvhats shakin?  
GA: Cro+nus.  
GA: It has been a while since yo+u last co+ntacted me.  
GA: In sincerely ho+pe it will end with a bit mo+re grace this time.  
CA: all wvater under the bridge, am i right?  
CA: a course i am.  
GA: Well then, ho+w have yo+u been?  
CA: i’vwe been excellent maryam, thanks for askin.  
CA: this place is filled to the brim wvith positivwe vwibes and its really fueling my creativwe energies.  
GA: Hmmhmmm.  
CA: i’m serious.  
CA: my lyrics are off the hook and my jams are completely tubular.   
GA: Do+ tho+se lyrics happen to+ include mo+re wo+rds akin to+ tubular?  
CA: you knowv it.  
CA: wvant to hear the demo?  
GA: I think I’ll pass.  
GA: I tho+ught yo+u’d have mo+re impo+rtant things to+ co+ncern yo+urself with after arriving in this new wo+rld.  
CA: a course i do.  
CA: like, wvho is going to be my matesprit?  
CA: and do i feel like gracin someone wvith my pale advice?  
GA: No+t exactly what I was talking abo+ut.  
CA: but you don’t deny that its vwery important.  
CA: come on, you’vwe seen meenah and rufioh gettin some.  
CA: don’t pretend you don’t wvant in on that action.  
GA: If I did, I already wo+uld, do+n’t yo+u think?  
CA: ah, so you are already plannin on makin a movwe then?  
GA: No+t exactly.  
GA: I am taking things nice and slo+w, if it’s all the same to+ yo+u.  
CA: wvhat!? wvhy wvould you do that?!  
GA: Because these are no+t the bubbles and these are a lo+t o+f new peo+ple to+ share a wo+rld with.  
GA: I want to+ get settled in and to+ get to+ kno+w these peo+ple.  
GA: Maybe even begin a serio+us, lo+ng term relatio+nship.  
CA: wvhat, so no sexy maryam advwentures anymore?  
GA: No+t fo+r no+w and certainly no+t with peo+ple I am no+t fully co+mfo+rtable with.  
CA: that sounds boring as fuck.  
CA: come on maryam, romance is in the air. evweryone is hookin up left and right and wve, the twvo hottest red bachelors, are still on the sideline.  
CA: let’s change that shall wve?  
GA: What are yo+u suggesting?  
CA: im suggestin you come ovwer to my hivwe and wve make a duet together.  
CA: if you knowv wvhat im sayin.  
CA: wvink wvink, nudge nudge.  
CA: wvhat im sayin is that wve should havwe sex.  
GA: Thank yo+u Cro+nus, I gathered as much.  
GA: Also+, trying my hardest no+t to+ vo+mit as I decline yo+ur invitatio+n.  
CA: wvell wvhy the fuck not?  
CA: you’re hot and single.   
CA: i’m hot and single.  
CA: it doesn’t take a fuckin genius to do the math here.  
GA: What part abo+ut getting co+mfo+rtable did yo+u no+t understand?  
GA: Because I will gladly repeat it till yo+u understand.  
CA: no, fuck, i get it. you wvant a concupiscent partner that respects you and treats you like a princess, stuff like that.  
CA: but that doesn’t mean you can’t play the field a little.  
CA: come on, you knowv you wvant to.  
GA: It has been a while since I have been less mo+tivated to+ do+ anything but we have no+w reached that po+int.  
GA: If there is a thing such as negative mo+tivatio+n, I have just fo+und it.  
GA: What to+ do+ with so+ much po+wer.  
CA: wvay to be a bitch about it.  
GA: Cro+nus, I am trying very hard no+t to+ lo+se my patience and yo+u are no+t helping.  
CA: look, all im sayin is that EVWERYONE knowvs you are the vwillage twvo wvheeled devwice for concupiscent quickies anywvay.  
CA: might as wvell go wvith that title and get a little fun out a it.  
GA: And despite that awful title, yo+u co+uldn’t persuade me to+ warm yo+ur co+o+n, let alo+ne have me spend a night in it.  
CA: wvhich i havwe always considered to be a little insulting.  
CA: i mean come on, pyrope but not me?  
CA: don’t evwen try to tell me she is a better lay than me, because i ain’t buyin that for a second.  
CA: pretty sure you’vwe evwen been wvith captor and leijon for pete’s sake, i mean wvhere are your standards?  
GA: I certainly do+n’t feel like telling yo+u if I have o+r haven’t slept with either o+f them.  
GA: My standards are just fine the way they are.  
CA: geesh, wvhen did you become so boring.  
GA: Just because I do+n’t sleep with every desperate tro+ll to+ so+llicite me, do+es no+t make me bo+ring.  
CA: desperate?  
CA: please, i am doing you a favwor here.  
GA: Sleeping with yo+u is so+meho+w co+nsidered a favo+r?  
CA: i thought that wvas obvwious.  
CA: look maryam, let me levwel wvith you.  
CA: wve are the twvo most beautiful fuckin trolls on this newv wvorld. wve should be treated as gods and deservwe nothin but the best no?  
CA: and wvho better to worship a goddess than a god?  
GA: Right.  
GA: I think it is high time that I blo+ck yo+u again.  
GA: Sadly, this co+nversatio+n has go+ne exactly as last time.  
CA: wvoah, showvs wvhat i get for bein nice.  
GA: Then I can no+t help but dread the idea o+f yo+u genuinely antago+nizing so+meo+ne.  
CA: oh, so THAT’S wvhat wve are doing, eh?  
CA: you don’t wvant me actin all friendly and junk, you wvant a caliginous rump to really get you turned on.  
CA: i’ll havwe you knowv im already spoken for but i am not opposed to a lil flirt here and there  
CA: specially if its wvith a grade-a rump like yourself  
GA: Yo+u are the wo+rst.  
CA: that’s wvhat i am talkin about  
GA: I am slo+wly running o+ut o+f ways to+ shut yo+u do+wn.   
GA: I do+ no+t kno+w ho+w many times I have to+ say no+ befo+re it reaches yo+ur thinkpan.  
GA: This do+es no+t mean that my stance o+n the situatio+n is changing in the slightest.  
CA: you knowv, wve’re goin to the island together anywvay.  
CA: wve might as wvell ditch latula halfwvay through and havwe a proper roll in the metaphorical haystack, wvont you agree?  
GA: Sigh.  
GA: If yo+u had even glanced o+ver my respo+nses, yo+u sho+uld have figured by no+w that I do+ no+t agree.  
GA: Just because I enjo+y having sex do+es no+t mean yo+u are entitled to+ have sex with me cro+nus.  
GA: We are just go+ing to+ do+ o+ur bit and help the o+ther team when we reach the island. No+ funny business with yo+u o+r pyro+pe.  
CA: so wvhat?  
CA: you are actually telling me that you think fucking leijon wvas a better lay than me.  
GA: At no+ po+int did I suggest this.  
CA: its betwveen the lines maryam.  
CA: gotta read betwveen those lines to catch all your hidden meanings.  
GA: Go+d, yo+u are impo+ssible.  
GA: No+. The answer do+es no+t change. Yes, I am sure that I am no+t missing o+ut o+n much.  
GA: Leave it to+ o+ur o+ld misled patriarchy to+ fo+ster such a culture o+f sexual entitlement amo+ng yo+ung male tro+lls.  
GA: To+ put it as transparent as I po+ssibly can: I will never even co+nsider o+f sleeping with yo+u, as lo+ng as yo+u remain such an insufferable, entitled and willfully igno+rant wriggler.  
CA: wvoah.  
CA: i came here to havwe a good time and im honestly feelin so attacked right nowv.  
CA: like, i thought wve wvere friends porrim.  
CA: or is this all part a your black game?  
CA: cause i think you are takin it a little far if it is.  
CA: are you THAT jealous a captor?  
CA: cause if you are, than that’s kinda funny  
CA: not that i blame you  
CA: i mean, i am kind of a big deal  
GA: I can assure yo+u that the dislike I have fo+r yo+u is entirely plato+nic.  
GA: Ho+nestly, I almo+st kind o+f pity yo+u.  
CA: wvell that is sounding a little red.  
GA: It hardly do+es.  
CA: it hardly does.  
CA: i just really wvant to find myself a matesprit, you knowv?  
GA: This thing again?  
CA: you don’t understand maryam.  
CA: like, evwen in the bubbles I’vwe mostly been on my owvn.  
CA: i mean, it wvas great for really devwelopping a bluesy kinda style a music but still. its been lonely.  
GA: Yo+u literally co+uld have visited any o+f us at any mo+ment o+f yo+ur cho+o+sing.  
CA: yes, but you wvere nevwer vwisiting me.  
GA: I assume this was because o+f yo+ur ill-received attempts at flirting with yo+ur guests, including the o+nes already invo+lved in the quadrants yo+u targeted.  
CA: hey, nothin is really unbreakable you knowv?  
CA: a course you knowv.  
GA: Sigh.  
GA: So+ the attempt at co+nvincing me to+ have no+ string attached sex?  
CA: wvell im not intending to court you a course.  
CA: like, no offense porrim but wvhen it comes to serious business like that, i am wvay out a your league.  
GA: Tragic.  
CA: i knowv.  
CA: it wvould havwe been so much easier if you wvere a seadwveller or at least a blueblood.  
GA: Do+nt let Kankri hear yo+u.  
GA: Yo+u might just get the rant yo+u deserve.  
CA: im just sayin, in terms a matchmakin it’d be a lot easier.  
CA: landdwvellers just don’t understand the struggles wve oceandwvellers havwe to go through.  
GA: Cro+nus, I am no+t sure if yo+u’ve realized but yo+u’ve lived o+n land fo+r the majo+rity o+f yo+ur natural life.  
GA: Yo+ur hive was no+t submerged at all and wasn’t even near any large bo+dies o+f water.  
CA: right? can you imagine the prejudice i’vwe had to go through?  
CA: also, there wvas a lovwely rivwer.  
CA: that is a body a wvater, right?  
GA: Sigh.  
CA: so, howv about that offer?  
GA: No+.  
CA: just to come ovwer to my hivwe and listen to some nice tunes.  
GA: No+t interested.  
CA: maybe get a fewv drinks going.  
CA: see wvhere the night leads us.  
CA: wvho knowvs, you might evwen like it.  
GA: I remain adamant in refusing to+ have any fo+rm o+f sexual co+ntact with yo+u whatso+ever.  
CA: wvhich is a load a malarkey if you ask me.  
GA: Which is why I am no+t asking yo+u.  
CA: like, i bet more than half a our team has had a turn so wvhy make such a scene wvhen i ask you to come ovwer for some fun?  
CA: i mean, evweryone knowvs you are a total slut.   
GA: CRO+NUS AMPO+RA!!!  
CA: wvhat?  
GA: I have tried my best to+ remain patient with yo+ur inane pestering but if the next wo+rds o+ut o+f yo+ur pro+teinchute are no+t a neatly wo+rded apo+lo+gy then we are go+ing to+ have a pro+blem!  
GA: No+t o+nly do+ yo+u co+ntinue these incredibly undignified advances, after me stating multiple times to+ be uninterested in them, yo+u also+ SO+MEHO+W believe yo+urself to+ be the injured party in o+ur exchanges.  
GA: The wo+rst part is that I co+uld to+lerate that much.  
GA: But then yo+u dare suggest that I am a slut fo+r taking what little enjo+yment there was to+ be had in the dreambubbles?! Yo+u are co+nfusing being a slut fo+r being lustful, yo+u mistake being easy fo+r being passio+nate and I refuse to+ be called a slut by yo+u.  
GA: No+t o+nly that, if Rufio+h Mituna o+r any o+ther male in o+ur team wo+uld have had half the sex I’ve had in the bubbles, yo+u wo+uld co+nsider him a stud.  
CA: wwell yeah. but that’s different.  
GA: Ho+w is it any different?!  
CA: because wve are guys?  
GA: O+h my go+d….  
GA: If yo+u can no+t handle the subject o+f sex with any fo+rm o+f dignity, maturity o+r respect, yo+u are no+t wo+rth my time.  
GA: Go+o+dbye Ampo+ra.  
CA: wvoah.  
CA: so wve are really doin this black, aren’t wve?  
GA: O+h heavens…..  
GA: I am NO+T sleeping with yo+u, I am NO+T flirting with yo+u and I am DEFINITELY no+t go+ing to waste my quadrants o+n the likes o+f yo+u!  
GA: So+ fo+r the sake o+f yo+ur o+wn safety to+mo+rro+w, keep it in yo+ur pants and try no+t to+ aggrevate me o+r Latula with yo+ur unwanted advances.  
GA: Do+ yo+u understand?  
CA: i don’t see wvhy you are actin so offended.  
GA: Then I suggest yo+u reread o+ur co+nversatio+n.  
GA: If this behavio+r o+f yo+urs co+ntinues to+mo+rro+w, I expect I’ll have to+ repo+rt a tragically missing partymember by the end o+f the campaign.  
GA: I’ll see yo+u then.

\--genderAbberance [GA] blocked casualArtist [CA]\--

CA: man…..  
CA: wvhat a total bitch.

* * *

 

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]\--

TT: Good day John.  
TT: How have you been?  
EB: hi rose!  
EB: i’ve been great. working on the boat was actually pretty cool.  
EB: i never did something like that before but it was a neat experience, building stuff like that.  
TT: You enjoyed it?  
EB: yeah definitely.  
TT: My, are we looking at the beginning of the John Egbert ship yard, for all your shipping and boating needs?  
EB: ill make the best boats!  
EB: and maybe planes or cars or something. oh, maybe a hovercraft!  
EB: im pretty sure that with help of jade and equius, we can build just about anything.  
TT: That does sound promising, though I have to ask… Creating a seafaring vessel using a variety of game-provided devices should have been well within the realm of possibility.  
TT: Why go through the effort of creating such a thing by hand?  
EB: its more fun this way!  
TT: I fail to understand how one would garner any form of amusement out of such an activity.  
EB: you just don’t get fun :P  
TT: You wound me, John.  
TT: This accusation has such impact on me I will lock myself into my room and play Linkin Park at earbleedingly loud volumes.  
EB: aaah, don’t be like that.  
EB: you’ll see, we’ll go to the island and have a great big adventure. it’ll be fun.  
TT: Hahah, the last time I went on an adventure of any kind, I ended up on a three year meteor ride with a group of hormonal aliens and my estranged ectobrother.  
TT: That is pretty difficult to top.  
EB: errr probably, yeah.  
EB: this will just be a low stakes adventure. no worries about creating a new universe or scratching our current one.  
TT: Can I still tear the island apart?  
EB: probably not.  
EB: last time you did something like that, it wasn’t exactly…. you know?  
EB: also this island is technically jade’s and jake’s, so i’d feel bad about actually tearing it apart.  
TT: I am only mostly joking John. It wouldn’t serve my position on the team to do something quite so destructive.  
TT: Karkat and Meenah have seen fit to allow me and Terezi to function as mission control.  
TT: In essence, we have to keep track of everyone and inform you, should something go wrong.  
EB: oh that ought to be fun.  
EB: terezi is always giving me a hard time about pretty much everything but she’s good for a laugh.  
TT: So I’ve heard.  
TT: It is a futile task really. Vriska, Eridan, Aradia and Jake are already overleveled to the point of hilarity.  
TT: While I am certain Rufioh wasn’t joking when he said the monsters there are really tough, I don’t think he took our own front-line fighters in account.  
EB: jake is one of the highest leveled players?  
TT: Yes. He has been going out to the forest with Aradia a lot.   
EB: woah, that’s great!  
EB: i am so proud of him!  
TT: Proud?  
EB: yeah!  
EB: he’s a cool guy. have you talked to him yet?  
TT: We exchanged pleasantries but I cannot say I actually talked to the guy.  
EB: oh, you totally should. he has the best taste in movies.  
TT: I am uncertain whether or not you are being sincere or whether I am about to find myself on the receiving end of some Egbert patented tomfoolery.  
EB: i warned you about my tomfoolery rose!  
TT: I know.  
TT: You told me bro.  
EB: i thought you said you were done with out dated memes?  
TT: Sometimes the situation just calls for it.  
TT: The memes, they beckon me so.  
TT: Regardless, my role will be that of the arbitrary mission control, I suspect mainly to calm Karkat’s anxiety regarding the possibilities of an encounter with the Makaras.  
TT: He really need not bother.  
TT: I lived with Gamzee on the meteor for three years and can assure you that if he doesn’t want to be seen he won’t be, provided one doesn’t have an advantage in class or aspect.  
EB: if only we had an amazing seer of light looking out for us.  
EB: oh wait!  
TT: Truth be told, Terezi’s aspect might be of more use if we’ll encounter a Makara, doubtful though that may be.  
TT: That being said, we won’t be alone…  
TT: Roxy is coming along for support.  
EB: nice!  
TT: It makes a lot of strategic sense to keep your stratagems hidden from the enemy and who better for that than her, aside from perhaps one of the Zahhaks?  
TT: From a more practical perspective however, I have my doubts.  
EB: no way!  
EB: roxy is super cool. she’ll keep you hidden, no problem.  
TT: Perhaps. I am just concerned that she’ll become a distraction.  
TT: Though I am sure she means well, something about her just makes it really difficult for me to concentrate and ‘see’ around her.  
TT: Perhaps our aspects just are not compatible. Perhaps it’s something a little deeper beneath the surface. Questions for later.  
EB: maybe you just have to get to know her a little better.  
EB: have you talked to roxy recently?  
TT: No.  
EB: well, you probably should.  
EB: you’ll see, she really isn’t as bad as you think she is.  
TT: I shall take it into consideration.  
TT: Who are you traveling with tomorrow?  
EB: oh uhm… equius and tavros. we are supposed to pretty much lure as many monsters as possible away from the other teams.  
EB: according to karkat we will get the bulk of the exp for it and it might just be the easiest job of the bunch.  
TT: Unlikely.  
EB: yeah, probably.  
EB: equius is super strong though. you should have seen how he practically carried the boat to the lake by himself. it was crazy.  
EB: the two of us could probably do this job no problem.  
EB: not sure what tavros does exactly…   
EB: i don’t think he likes me much, so that might be a little awkward.  
TT: You have been hanging out with him quite a bit recently.  
EB: tavros?  
TT: Equius.  
TT: Does he perhaps intend to woo you?  
EB: what?! no way!  
TT: Do you intend to woo him?  
EB: rose no.  
EB: we are just hanging out like great buddies who both happen to have the sickest amounts of man grit.  
TT: I am sure that the amount of mangrit present in your party will be off the charts.  
EB: oh man, it’ll be sick.  
EB: but like, you don’t really think he’ll try to woo me, right?  
TT: I have not really spoken to the gentleman in question, so accurate judgment cannot be guaranteed.  
TT: From the way he talks with and about you in public memos, he does seem to have a fondness for you. However, that might just be his way of showing what incredible bropals you are.  
EB: come on, im serious here.  
EB: he is a good looking guy and all that but what if he actually likes me like that?  
TT: So you think he is attractive?  
EB: well, yeah have you looked at him?  
EB: but that doesn’t make me gay or anything, right?  
TT: No, not necessarily.  
EB: alright.  
TT: It doesn’t exactly rule out the possibility of any latent sexualities but its certainly no confirmation of anything.  
EB: uuuuuuuugh, now you’re just using vague psycho mumbo jumbo to make me think i like guys.  
EB: well it is not going to work!  
EB: john egbert is a bastion of hetero sexuality.  
TT: A fortress of traditionalism?  
EB: a castle of straightness.  
TT: A chateaux of hetero.  
EB: a strong hold for uhm…. huh….  
EB: i think i ran out of words.  
TT: Admittedly, I was stretching with the last one as well. There are surprisingly little synonyms for straight.  
EB: so yeah.  
EB: any ideas on how i could figure out if equius has a crush on me or not?  
TT: Perhaps it is smarter to ask someone who has actually carried a conversation with him. Jade perhaps?  
EB: no, no, no, no! that is pretty much the worst idea ever.  
EB: she will begin trying to hook me and equius up together, with or without him intending to actually woo me.  
TT: Such a horrifying scenario.  
TT: Do you think you and Equius would be compatible as matesprits?   
EB: ok, can we maybe stop talking about this?  
EB: it is really becoming kinda uncomfortable.  
TT: I apologize. It was an amusing mental image.  
TT: Truth be told, in our younger years I always assumed you and Dave would somehow end up together.  
TT: Sorry, assumed might not have been the correct choice of words. Hoped, perhaps?  
EB: what?  
EB: why would you even assume that?  
EB: i mean yeah, he’s totally my bro and all that and i guess you could call him kinda good looking but really? me and dave?  
TT: In my defense, it was mostly Dave whom I intended to tease with this quote unquote, ‘ship’.  
TT: Sadly, this was before my seer powers came into being, so its accuracy may have been a little off.  
EB: yeah but dave turned out gay anyway right?  
EB: or was it bisexual?  
EB: im really not sure.  
EB: i mean, not that it matters much to me. dave is my bro and no amount of gay or bi stuff is going to change that.  
TT: I am certain your attitude is appreciated.  
TT: Considering his rather Freudian comments regarding your ‘hot mom’, something which I assure you I have never sullied my own tongue with, I would assume my ectobrother to be a raging bisexual.  
EB: i thought you did mention my ‘hot mom’.   
TT: No. I didn’t and anyone who says I did is a filthy liar.   
EB: then what about you?  
TT: I consider myself a bisexual, with perhaps a small preference towards the fairer sex.  
EB: how did you figure that out?  
TT: Trial and error, I suppose.  
TT: Then again, the dating pool has been abysmally small for the past few years. The male bachelors were either completely unappealing to me or vaguely related to me by blood, so experimentation was not really an option.  
EB: haha, tell me about it.  
EB: spending three years on a ship surrounded by consorts, sprites and jade making out with a sprite made out of best friend is not the best place to search for a long lasting relationship.  
TT: I can only imagine.  
EB: so how did you actually *know* you are bisexual?  
TT: Once I came to terms with the fact that, oh shit, Kanaya is actually pretty damn hot, it wasn’t that hard to figure out.  
TT: But private thoughts that lingered in the dark recesses of my mind and shan’t be illuminated suggested I was not opposed to male companions either. Ergo, the likely diagnosis would be bisexuality.  
EB: so basically understanding that you feel attracted to both boys and girls…..  
TT: That would be the simplest way of putting it.  
EB: but you got together with kanaya in the end anyway, right?  
TT: I am so glad you noticed.  
EB: hah hah, very funny.  
EB: i mean as matesprits.  
TT: Yes. That is a thing that happened. I suppose it started somewhere during the game, as she and I engaged in what I can only describe as ‘verbal shenanigans’.  
TT: Shenanigans my seer powers have determined to be caused by you.  
EB: wait, when did this happen?  
TT: It’s not important but I suppose a courteous ‘thanks bro’ is in order.  
EB: well, glad to help you get into sloppy inter species romance shenanigans.  
EB: but i thought you weren’t matesprits anymore?  
TT: Correct.   
EB: so is there a story behind that or are you just going to let me guess.  
TT: It would be the more amusing option.  
EB: roooooooose.  
TT: I am not sure what you expect me to say.  
TT: Once we realized our love for each other was more rooted in a desire to help each other prosper, we had our first feelingsjam. Therein we discussed our pale-red-flip-flopping and not long after the game we became proper moirails.  
EB: wait love?  
EB: moirails didn’t do that, right?  
TT: It isn’t the traditional idea of love but it is a form of love nonetheless.   
EB: oh okay.  
TT: Pale affection is a very intense desire to aid the emotional and social growth of your partner, hence the large amount of confusion trolls face when presented with normal human interaction.  
TT: Ideally a moirail also helps you find an eligible partner for the concupiscent quadrants, however we haven’t seen opportunity to do so yet.  
TT: While I do miss some of the more intimate aspects of a flushed partnership, I feel like the two of us really benefitted from our current arrangement.   
EB: well as long as you and kanaya are happy with your whole quadrant business than i am completely cool with it.  
TT: Oh we are. Before long, we will work on finding each other matesprits and kismessises.   
EB: haha, that sounds awesome.  
EB: you should ask dirk for help with that. im pretty sure he’s all tangled up in all kinds of ships you could try, if you feel like it.  
TT: I’ll keep it in mind.  
TT: So do you have any romantic ventures to pursue?  
EB: not really.  
EB: to be honest, i really haven’t thought about it.  
EB: like, at all.  
TT: Well, Equius seems to be an option.  
EB: oh my god.  
TT: And I suspect that it wouldn’t take much for you to make Karkat see spades for you again.  
EB: i am not even listening to this right now.  
EB: my fingers are in my ears and i am going lalalalalalala.  
TT: I’m sorry John. I’ll try not to bring it up again if it makes you uncomfortable.  
EB: no, that isn’t it. it’s just kinda….  
EB: look, equius is a cool, STRONG guy. he’s always nice to me and has the most impressive muscles i’ve ever seen.  
EB: we’re talking pre governator schwarzenegger over here.  
EB: granted he’s a bit weird but honestly, EVERYONE here is at least a little bit weird.  
EB: yes, that includes you rose.  
TT: To be perfectly honest, I would be insulted if I wasn’t included.  
EB: but that doesn’t make me gay, alright?  
TT: No, I certainly don’t think you are a homosexual.  
TT: Your inexplicable obsession with Liv Tyler has thoroughly convinced me that you are indeed fond of women.  
EB: okay one: i am not obsessed.  
EB: two: she is a pretty woman, can you blame me?  
TT: I suppose I shall let you wallow in your own, peculiar tastes.  
EB: you totally should.  
EB: you should also totally talk to jake and roxy already. they are cool people.  
TT: It is still under consideration.  
TT: Meanwhile, you should ‘totally’ consider what to say to Equius, should he decide to ask you out.  
EB: uuuuuuuugh……..  
EB: but that’s hard. i actually kind of like him and i don’t want to like, push him away or anything.  
TT: You could always try asking Karkat for advice.  
EB: oh my god, i should do that!  
EB: i bet he will say something hilarious if he found out.  
TT: I bet he will indeed rant up a storm.  
TT: Hilarity may be optional.  
EB: no way, this is karkat. His rants are always a 10/10.  
EB: anyway, i’m going to the lake to do the final tests on the boat.  
TT: Would Equius happen to be involved?  
EB: well, yeah.  
TT: How romantic.  
EB: har har, very funny rose.  
EB: we are just pals hanging out and stuff…. i think.  
EB: i am not sure how he takes it, because of troll culture and its crazy quirks.  
EB: seriously, rose. do you even realize how weird they actually are?  
TT: It hasn’t escaped my notice.  
TT: And you could always ask him, correct?  
EB: but i don’t want to push him away either.  
EB: i mean, he’s an okay guy, really.  
TT: Hmmhmm.  
EB: damn it, why did you have to bring up that he might have some sort of crush on me?  
EB: now it’s going to be all weird.  
TT: Imagine how it would be were you not prepared for this possibility.  
EB: well, you are our great and powerful seer.  
EB: is he going to ask me to be matesprits if i go test the boat with him?  
TT: I do not know John.  
TT: I can not see what will inevitably happen, merely the path that is most fortuitous.   
EB: well, what can i do to have the most lucky outcome today?  
EB: because i am assuming the lucky outcome wont deal with any romantic drama.  
TT: I am not fond of using my power for the sake of something so frivolous.   
TT: It feels as if I am somewhat unappreciative of this ability to see paths that could shape the very shape of our world to our liking.  
EB: but are you going to do it?  
TT: Of course.  
EB: awesome!  
EB: so what do i do?  
TT: Just continue as you were.  
EB: really, that’s it?  
TT: Yes. Today does not appear to be any cause for romantic drama.  
EB: sweet, thanks rose.  
EB: see you tomorrow?  
TT: Of course.  
TT: Have fun John.  
EB: will do!  
EB: also, try talking to jake or roxy already!  
EB: see you soon!

\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]\--

* * *

 

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling cyprinidConquerer [CC]\--

AG: Heeeeeeeey Peixes.  
CC: sup serks  
CC: what cha up to?  
AG: I was just wondering and 8ecause I don’t feel like 8eating around the 8ush like a chump I’m just going to ask……..  
AG: Are we cool?  
CC: shit guppy, have you EVEN glubbin looked at us  
CC: a course we cool  
CC: we the coolest fishes in this whole damn school!  
AG: Yeah duh.  
AG: I didn’t need to get that shit verified 8ecause it is preeeeeeeetty o8vious that everyone is a lame loser compared to us.  
CC: gonna call no shit on that one serks 38)  
CC: so what else is there that makes you curious aboat its glubbin tempuratures?  
AG: You know……..  
AG: ‘Us’.  
AG: The whole, making you leave me for…….. me, thing?  
AG: Tell me that wasn’t fucked up, 8ecause hooooooonestly……..  
AG: Kinda fucked up.  
CC: …. You reelly gotta talk aboat that now?  
CC: cause i was havin such a good mood just now  
CC: what with a new matesprit and nót havin to leave him for some barely reefelant reasons  
AG: Look, its 8een kiiiiiiiinda 8othering me and we never really hashed it out.  
AG: Plus we'll only 8e accompanied 8y Aranea tomorrow, who is deeeeeeeefinitely on your side, so if you are planning revenge, I would like a heads-up.  
AG: So are you still pissed a8out that?  
CC: no, not reelly  
CC: which might just be the strangest part because it seems more than a little reefsonable to strangle you  
CC: might just be the whole thing with the highbloods though  
CC: i don’t know  
CC: its been a while since i had to eel with that  
CC: like literal eons i guess  
AG: So like........ we áre cool?  
CC: i guess?  
CC: i mean, we have been chillin together for a while, right?  
AG: Sorta. Except you aaaaaaaalways team up with Aranea while I do my own thing with John, Rufioh or whatever schmuck is availa8le.  
CC: you know it was my idea to put you, me and her in a team right?  
AG: Really?  
AG: So you really aren’t mad a8out that whole thing in the 8u88les?  
CC: duh, course im mad cause like you said; fucked up shit right there  
CC: but i chill my shit with serkets. that’s just how I roll  
CC: and aranea is still my main gill  
CC: but like seariously, makoing me dump you to do some barely necesseary ship was fucked up  
CC: i mean, it WAS necesseary for me to be there, right?  
CC: even if it seemed lame?  
AG: Yes. Without you we wouldn’t have gotten as far as we did.  
CC: even though we still died like a bunch a scrubs  
AG: Even though we still died like a 8unch of scru8s……..  
AG: God, you have noooooooo idea how infuri8ing that is.  
CC: the dying?  
AG: No!!!!!!!! The fact that someone else killed Lord English!!!!!!!!  
AG: What’s worse, whoever’s responsi8le is keeping quiet a8out it. I can’t even declare this 8astard my new rival or anything!  
CC: your hateboner is showing serks  
CC: that shit is nasty  
AG: Oh whateeeeeeever. Like you don’t want to know who did it.  
CC: meh, can’t be bothered  
CC: like, this shit is FINNALLY over  
CC: you don’t even know how good this eels for my glubbin team after bein in purgatory for so fricking long  
CC: i aint gonna be caring aboat the fishy details like who did the keeling  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh……..  
AG: This is going to 8e 8othering me aaaaaaaall sweep.  
CC: you’ll get over it guppy  
CC: so yeah  
CC: my turn to ask you the difficult question  
AG: Here it comes……..  
CC: how is nitram  
AG: What?  
CC: what  
AG: Seriously? That’s what you are asking?  
AG: No questions a8out the reasoning 8ehind my strategy to 8eat Lord English or no need for an explanation as to why my alternate self couldn’t come?!  
CC: what’s done is done  
CC: and unlike megido im not eeling the whole ‘grudge after achieving seapposed happy ending’  
AG: You got to 8e kidding……..  
CC: nope  
CC: sides, you dating one a the few cute ones from my team  
CC: gotta get all them details, you dig 38)  
AG: You are horri8le.  
CC: and you are telling me them details  
AG: ……..He is gr8. I mean REALLY great.  
CC: hahahahahahahaha yes  
CC: story time  
CC: how long does he last  
AG: Dude!  
AG: That’s a little m8ch don’t you th8nk!?  
AG: We haven’t gone that far!  
CC: what, really  
AG: Yes, really!  
CC: that’s a shame  
CC: you have no clue what you’re missin out on  
AG: WAIT!  
AG: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!!!!!!!  
CC: waiting  
AG: YOU MEAN, YOU 8ND K8RK8T?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
AG: YOU M8AN YOU 8CTUALLY?!?!  
CC: im not conchfirming or denying till im hearing the whole dam story serket  
AG: Oh my god, I can’t 8elieve you and Karkat are having sex already.  
AG: I can’t 8eliiiiiiiieve Karkat is fucking 8EFORE me!!!!!!!!  
CC: waiting on yo stories serket  
CC: do i need to drag it out of you  
CC: cus that’s the ---EXACT opprawnsite problem i have with aranea yo  
AG: There isn’t one okay?!  
AG: We cuddle and kiss and I am NOT saying anything 8eyond that!!!!!!!!  
CC: whale then, i seapporpoise i don’t have to say anything either  
AG: Aaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!  
CC: sea that is the one benefit aboat the whole dumpin you to join you deal  
CC: i know all aboat the weaknesses of the alternate fishka  
CC: so now i also know all aboat yours 38P  
CC: man  
CC: if i dispiked you a bit more, this would have been a funny-as-fuck one-sided fishmessisitude  
AG: So you and I were actually really, REALLY close like that?  
CC: all signs point to ‘duh’  
CC: why you think it messed me up when that whole thing went portside  
AG: 8ut that means you and........  
AG: That means you and I........  
AG: 8h g8d……..  
CC: yup  
AG: So then…….. uhm……..  
AG: I can’t even 8eliiiiiiiieve I am asking this……..  
AG: ……..How was I?  
CC: what  
AG: Like, in the dream8u88les…….. We did ‘stuff’ right?  
CC: you gots to be a bit more specific  
AG: What I am aaaaaaaasking is: am I a good lay?!  
CC: woah  
CC: why does everyfin i did with alternate you become so forked up in hindsight  
AG: Looooooook, you pro8a8ly know me 8etter than anyone, with the possi8le exception of Terezi.  
AG: And no waaaaaaaay I am doing her in any way, shape or form, so YOU will have to tell me!  
CC: tell me a bit more aboat you and rufioh and I’ll tell you what you need to hear  
AG: What is there to tell? He is amaaaaaaaazing.  
AG: I know I am a sucker for a 8ig rack 8ut now there is an actual person 8ehind it, with a spine and everything, it is what I aaaaaaaalways wanted.  
AG: Like, it aaaaaaalmost makes me sorry that you ended up with Karkat of all people.  
AG: Talk a8out 8ottom of the 8arrel.  
CC: shows what you know  
CC: so like, you N—EV--ER done anyfin beyond that with good old nitram  
CC: never took a ride on his tinkerbull  
AG: I…….. No.  
CC: but you want to  
AG: Duh!  
AG: 8ut like, how do you even 8egin something like that?  
AG: Hey doll, t8ke of your p8nts for me?  
AG: I would look like a fucking idiot.  
CC: aight, here’s what you do  
CC: you just begin with the touchin and sea how he pikes it  
CC: kelp checkin his reaction and stuff  
CC: its not pike he is difficult to read or anyfin so that shoredn’t be difficult  
CC: slow, conchfortable and sweet is the wave to start  
CC: then you make his thinkpan explode 38P  
AG: Alright, alright……..  
AG: I miiiiiiiight give that a shot l8er.  
CC: sweet  
CC: now what did you wants to axe aboat me  
CC: the thing with nubs mcshouty or the whole thing with past you and whether or not you become any good at the whole thing  
AG: What?!  
AG: I only get one option!?  
CC: you only told me one story and it was lousy as fuck  
CC: no offense  
AG: Stories are not a form of currency!  
CC: yeah, tell that to your dancestor serks  
CC: take a pike or im off to chill with my shiny new matesprit  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, then just tell me a8out me.  
AG: If oooooooonly because I don’t want to imagine Karkat having sex any time soon.  
CC: suit yoshellf  
CC: anywave alternate you in the bubbles  
CC: yeah you were fun  
AG: Fun  
AG: I have to give you aaaaaaaall the sordid details of my priv8 life and you conclude 8y saying I’ve 8een fun?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
CC: and a lil sexy?  
CC: what do you want from me?  
AG: DETAILS!  
CC: fin lets sea  
CC: …………………  
AG: WELL?!  
CC: shut up im thinkin  
CC: because it was you  
CC: you’d think you’d know how you’d act without someone tellin you how it’d go down  
AG: Yeeeeeeees 8ut I want to know if I was any good?  
CC: whale that version of you was a screamer  
CC: so that was fin  
AG: Oh god……..  
CC: yeah you shouted that a whole lot  
AG: 8H G8D!  
CC: also kind of a biter  
CC: not a fan but maybe you can conchvince nitram  
AG: Well duh, that’s hot.  
CC: also  
CC: and this might be important  
AG: What?  
CC: you were just as nervous aboat your first time then as you were now  
CC: it was adorbs  
CC: but like  
CC: just go for it when the mood strikes you no?  
AG: Im not nervous……..  
CC: a course you aint  
CC: just kelp in mind that you aint no bad first timer  
CC: nitram is gonna love it  
AG: Well…….. This was not a conversation I was planning on having today.  
CC: it clampens  
AG: Clampens?  
AG: Trying tooooooo hard to get that horri8le fishpun to work  
CC: fuck you  
CC: fishpuns rule  
CC: but yeah  
CC: i didn’t expect to school anemone on how they will inevitably become in the matesprit department  
CC: i aint even a lil shocked becus on a scale from goby to whale this aint even the weirdest thing that has happened past sweep  
AG: Heh, yeah…….. I suppose that’s true.  
AG: 8ut like…….. I am getting some serious pale vi8es from this whole situation.  
AG: Talking shit a8out our m8sprits, getting advice on how to deal with my quadrant……..  
AG: Am I the only one noticing that?  
CC: err  
CC: whale  
AG: Right?  
CC: look serk  
CC: i like you a good deal  
CC: and there MIG)(T be some funky chemistry between us like  
CC: like i don’t even know a good comparison  
CC: karkat is a shell of a lot betta at the romance jazz than i am  
CC: but i R---EELLY don’t think we should be moirails  
AG: Oh………  
CC: don’t get me wrong  
CC: it’d be fun as heck   
CC: for a while anywave  
CC: but you are axing M—E to pacify you?  
CC: not shore if you noticed but its nothing short of a glubbin miracle i haven’t krilled anemone yet since we’ve gotten here  
CC: like my dancestor  
CC: or that heiress beach  
AG: No waaaaaaaay. Peixes is gr8.  
CC: lets algae to disalgae aboat that one because just thinkin aboat that chick mako’s my blood boil  
CC: but like  
CC: im pretty shore we are wave too similar to actually be proper moirayeels  
CC: you come to me tellin me aboat how you want to cull someone that pisses you off  
CC: id glubbin help you  
CC: that aint proper moirail stuff right?  
AG: Yeah, that’s……..   
AG: That’s actually a pretty fair point.  
AG: Like, that was one of the things Maryam was way good at.  
AG: Making sure I wouldn’t kill anyone outside of FLARP.  
CC: yeah  
CC: aranea still kinda does that  
CC: sometimes  
AG: So where does that leave us?  
AG: No offense 8ut I don’t see me going 8lack for you either.  
CC: sides  
CC: I got that unfair advantage  
AG: That leaves us auspistism and honestly, fuck that!  
CC: amen  
CC: i guess we could be  
CC: gillfriends 38)  
AG: Hahahahahahaha, I am soooooooo glad we are chill.  
AG: You actually say shit like that with a str8 face.  
AG: Can’t I convince you to dump Vantas and get with me and Rufioh ;;;;)  
CC: hahah  
CC: just for the halibut  
AG: Really?  
CC: heck no  
AG: Seeeeeeeriously, you could do soooooooo much 8etter than that loudmouth mutant.  
AG: What a8out Maryam?  
CC: yours or mine  
AG: Either.  
AG: Heck, even John or Terezi would 8e a seeeeeeeerious upgrade from Karkat.  
CC: its simple serks  
CC: and if it means we get to be gillfriends imma tell you  
CC: but this stays between us  
CC: got that  
CC: not gonna let anemone else in on this mushy hoofbeast manure  
AG: Sure, whatever.  
CC: i aint a good perchon  
CC: you know that right?  
CC: like, im a bad gill and i love it  
AG: Right.  
AG: Preeeeeeeetty sure that’s why we mako such a good team.  
CC: <3  
AG: *make.  
AG: Make is the word I intended to use.  
CC: BUT YOU DIDN'T!  
AG: So you are a 8ad person? What else?  
CC: anywave  
CC: karkat mako’s me eel like  
CC: whale  
CC: like i aint so bad  
CC: and that i can be a betta troll and junk  
CC: and i pike that  
CC: also have you S---E---EN the guy?  
CC: he is so adorabubble  
AG: That is veeeeeeeery su8jective……..  
AG: 8ut hey, good for you.  
CC: i just want to hold him and conchpliment him till he blushes and omg he turns so warm and mushy when he does!!!  
AG: Here we are, two meeeeeeeessed up trolls 8oth with dum8 dorky m8sprits  
CC: cod you wouldn’t bereef what a dork he is  
CC: it is the best  
AG: Hehe, thanks Peixes.  
AG: I needed this talk.  
CC: no pro8s  
CC: gillfriends for life yo  
AG: Nice.  
AG: So uhm…….. If I am going to put your advice into practice……..  
AG: Would you like to hear the results?  
CC: would I  
CC: that’s gonna be hilarious  
AG: Hey!  
AG: No!  
AG: It will be sexy as hell, you’ll see!  
CC: nah  
CC: it will be sharkward and gillarious and you will tell me everyfin aboat it tomorrow 38)  
AG: Alright……..  
AG: Just look at that nerd.  
AG: 8usy with his husktop when he SHOULD 8e paying attention to me.  
CC: are you gonna let that stand?  
AG: FUCK NO!  
AG: See you tomorrow.  
CC: later serks

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling cyprinidConquerer [CC]\--

CC: you fuckin nerd

* * *

 

\--cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG]\--

CC: JAN-----------------------E!!!!!!!  
CC: )(AVE YOU R---EAD YOUR MAIL Y-----ET?!  
GG: Hold your horses missy.  
CC: MY S----EA)(ORS----ES CAN’T B----E HOLD---ED RIG)(T NOW!!!!!  
CC: T)(EY ARE SWIMMING ALL OVER T)(E PLAC---E!!!!  
CC: )(AV—E YOU S---EEN CRABSNACK’S MAIL?!  
GG: Crabsnack?  
GG: Oh, you mean Karkat.  
GG: Yes, I was just about to check it out.  
GG: Does it contain good news, for you to be in such a good mood about?  
CC: I AM ALWAVES IN A GOOD MOOD!  
GG: Hoohoo, the life of the party.  
GG: I take it we will be healing buddies tomorrow?  
CC: Y-----ES!!!  
CC: Healing is usually a PR---ETTY boring job but with you it might acshelly be fun!  
GG: Well, I am glad to be on healing duty with you as well. You are definitely good company.  
GG: I am just not entirely sure I agree with Karkat’s set-up. It seems to me a lot of pressure rests on the assault teams. Not only that but roaming seems to be encouraged, which seems foolish to me because Jade and Jake should have a decent idea of where the bosses are lurking.  
GG: Personally, I would have opted for two larger teams and split us up. That way, everyone would have been allowed to assist in a more direct manner.  
CC: Oh, that WOULD have been a good idea.  
CC: it’s a shame that Crabsnack NEVER listens to otters when he gets like this.  
CC: It is R---EELLY annoying.  
GG: In his defense, otters are notoriously bad advisors :B  
CC: MOR—E LIKE THE GREATEST ADFISHORS!!!  
GG: Ouch…. That was a bad one.  
GG: Must you make these ocean-related puns at all time?  
CC: Y-----ES!!!  
CC: We trolls take our typing quirks V---ERY seariously 38P  
GG: So I have noticed.  
GG: Regardless, it’s just a shame that our position seems to be fairly stationary. I would have liked to see the island Jake grew up on and whether or not his claims of roaming white monsters were true.  
CC: Oh, you mean lusii?  
GG: Pardon?  
CC: Custodians  
CC: )(a)(a, they are large white monsters that take care of young trolls  
GG: So wait… You have been raised by a giant white monster?  
CC: Y-------ES!!!  
CC: W)(ale, not all of them giant but most of them!  
CC: Gl’bgolyb was the BEST LUSUS EVER!!!!  
GG: Glbgolby?  
GG: I apologize, I experience some difficulty in err…. pronouncing that.  
CC: Don’t worry!  
CC: No one is a 100% sure of how it’s prawnnounced so she didn’t mind!  
CC: Because she is a creature of the furthest ring and has no need for vocal cords and stuff  
GG: I….  
GG: I apologize Feferi but I am finding this all very hard to believe.  
GG: Of giant white monsters raising troll children and creatures like Golbybob.  
GG: Are you certain you aren’t trying to pull a fast one on me?  
GG: Because I will have you know, Jane Crocker will not fall for such japery.  
CC: BUT IT’S TRUE!!!  
CC: Every troll gets his or her lusus after the trials and will live in a swimbiotic relation until the troll reaches maturity.  
CC: After that, the lusus goes back to the breeding caverns and waits for a new charge to appear.  
CC: IT’S T)(E CIRCL---E OF LIF---E!!!!!  
GG: I suppose anything is possible once alien cultures are involved...  
CC: YOU AR—E ABSOLUT—LY RIG)(T!!!  
CC: You may not realize it but to us, you humans are ferry strange as whale!!!  
CC: Please tell me, what is a ‘president’?  
GG: Oh heavens….  
CC: I heard Dave use it to other day but I clam not figure out what it means.  
GG: A president is a democratically elected leader. Essentially, the people choose who they want to govern them.  
GG: It is a system used a lot in the western human world.  
CC: So you get to C)(OOS—E your leader?  
GG: In a lot of places, yes.  
CC: T)(AT IS SO WEIRD!  
CC: Who even came up with somefin like that?  
GG: I believe it was the Greeks?  
GG: It really isn’t that bad of a system.  
CC: I said weird, not bad!  
CC: We should TOTALLY do somefin like that on this world as whale!!!  
CC: )(ihi, show Crabcatch that he clam not just do what he wants.  
GG: You seem very annoyed with Karkat’s leadership.  
CC: What?  
CC: No I’m not.  
GG: Well, it’s the second time in a very short amount of time that you mention it.  
CC: No, no. It’s just that I don’t necessearily agree with it all the time.  
CC: Like, it worked in the game, when everyfin was dangerous and we could have DIED but he is STILL working on high-alert.  
CC: Like there is still some all-destroying danger out there.  
GG: Well, perhaps the Makaras?  
CC: Cod Karkat is T---ERRIFIED of them, isn’t he?  
CC: It’s so seally too because they’d have to be CRAZY to try anyfin against such a large group.  
CC: I mean, crazier 38P  
GG: I still find it incredibly strange.  
GG: Mr Makara was nothing but kind during our game, if a bit unsettling and strange.  
GG: Are you certain he did all those horrible things?  
CC: Yeah, I guess.  
CC: Karkat and Terezi were PR----ETTY sure he was responseable for at least 2 deaths and a lot of corpse decarpitating.  
GG: gross.  
CC: He also attacked Dave during the fight with Lord English.  
CC: IF we find him, he will have a lot to answer for.  
GG: Are you going to kill him?  
CC: Hmmmmm…………………..  
CC: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………………………  
CC: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  
GG: That certainly is a very pregnant pause….  
CC: W)(AL---E EXCUSE ME!  
CC: I am just not shore aboat what we shored or shoredn’t do.  
CC: What would your human president do?  
GG: Ideally we would let the culprit be judged by a jury comprised out of his peers, presided over by an impartial judge.   
GG: There is a prosecutor who knows the law, can call for witness testimony to try and convict him.  
GG: Not only that but the culprit may have someone else to speak in his defense.  
CC: What a novel idea.  
GG: I’ll admit, I may have kind of fudged this description.  
GG: As preparation to take over the Betty Crocker brand, I had to follow many lessons in diverse subjects. Law however could never really grasp my interest.  
CC: I think I get the gist of it!  
CC: It sounds like a wave more balanced way than our system!  
GG: Which is?  
CC: A legislacerator catches you and kills you, or brings you in front of a court.  
GG: So, you get killed if you resist arrest?  
CC: Oh no, there are a lot of reasons a legislacerator can kill a culprit.  
CC: Also, the courts have a 98% death rate.  
GG: I am suddenly feeling very relieved to be born a human.  
GG: With my penchant for japery it would have been only a matter of time before I’d anger a legislacerator on a bad day.  
CC: oh but you are part of the codescensions family right?  
GG: If by that you mean Betty Crocker, who turned out to be an evil troll overlord, then yes?  
CC: then you shoredn’t worry aboat legislacerators.  
GG: That’s a relieve.  
CC: Indeed!  
CC: You just get to deal with assassins!  
GG: You know, this probably should be a worrisome claim, had I not been raised with constant attempts on my life.  
GG: Regardless, such hubbub wont be a concern anymore.  
GG: At least I think it won’t?  
GG: I certainly hope it won’t?  
CC: Pfffft you’ll be conchpletely fin!  
CC: And if not, I’ll eel you!  
CC: Prawncess promise!  
GG: Haha, it is appreciated but I do not expect any assassin types to rear their heads.  
GG: The worst I expect to deal with is a competitive level of pranking with John. It’ll be nearly as exhausting but a lot less fatal.  
CC: Oh that sounds fun!  
GG: You clearly have yet to experience being assaulted by an assortment of custard pies.  
CC: Custard pies?  
GG: My poppop’s favorite. If John takes after him, I expect a lot of pie-based tomfoolery.   
CC: Maybe I should get in on the action!  
CC: It sounds ----EXCITING!!!  
GG: You definitely could. Everyone can become a prankster.  
GG: Just note that you won’t be able to prank me, missy. I am way to experienced and will see through your attempts like a hawk.  
GG: Then I’ll bombard you with pasteries :B  
CC: I thought that was John’s thing?  
GG: Well, he doesn’t *own* it.  
CC: )(ihi, humans shore are a lot of fun!  
CC: I thought Jade might have been the exception but you and Roxy are just as gilarious!  
GG: Well, we try.  
GG: I’ve been meaning to ask you, and if it’s rude you don’t need to answer, but you were part of Roxy’s sprite were you not?  
CC: Yeah?  
GG: What was that like?  
CC: Oh, uhm…….  
CC: Sharkward, mostly?  
CC: Pike, imagine wanting to go left and trying to move left while part of your body wants and does the exact opposite.  
GG: So you pulled yourselves apart?  
CC: Not reelly. We just stopped moving until we could find a conseansus, i guess?  
CC: I don’t really know anymore, I don’t remember much from being a sprite.  
GG: That answers my follow-up question.  
CC: Sorry.  
GG: Don’t apologize for that.   
GG: If anything, me and Roxy need to apologize for not realizing you were so troubled as a sprite.  
GG: I promise, we would have aided you had we been aware.  
CC: I know but I reelly didn’t mind hanging out with you and Roxy!  
CC: In fact, both of us reelly didn’t mind 38)  
CC: And our minds more easily aligned when we were with either one of you, so I guess that made it easier on us too?  
GG: Oh, that’s pleasant to hear.  
GG: Do you remember meeting Gamzee when you were a sprite?  
GG: What was your take on him?  
CC: Oh, I REELLY don’t remember that.  
CC: I only remember that Nepeta reelly wanted to fight him.  
GG: Did she?  
CC: As a sprite or as troll?  
GG: Either.  
CC: Whale, Gamzee was the one krilling her and she gave him that large scar so…. yeah?  
CC: Im not shore if we ever fought him as sprite but probably not…  
CC: He is a slippery fish alright.  
GG: Do you think we’ll encounter him and the other one any time soon?  
GG: Regardless of your option of Karkat’s paranoia regarding the Makaras, you must admit that they can’t keep in hiding if we keep exploring.  
CC: Im not shore akshelly.  
CC: I never reelly got to know exactly W)(AT he is capable of.  
CC: But he managed to be pretty much unseen during that whole meteor adventure Karkat and the rest went on.  
CC: He could kelp himshellf hidden anywhere in these empty hives and we wouldn’t know.  
GG: That is quite a frightening thought.  
CC: Don’t worry.  
CC: Im pretty shore he is mostly after trolls and we can take care of ourshellves.  
CC: We’ll prawntect you 38P  
GG: Hahaha, my own fishy bodyguard.  
CC: I’LL MAKE S)(OR---E ---EVERYFIN WILL GO SWIMMINGLY!!!  
CC: GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB!!!!!!  
GG: Hahahahaha, okay that pun was pretty good actually.  
CC: ALL FIS)(PUNS ARE GOOD!!!!!  
GG: They akshelly aren’t.  
CC: S--------------EE?!  
CC: That was lovely!  
GG: I do not think I understand this obsession with troll’s typing quirks…  
CC: YOU DON’T N-----EED TO!!  
CC: Would you perhaps say you eel like a fish out of water?  
GG: Feferi…..  
CC: Wet behind the ears perhaps?  
GG: Just no…..  
CC: Fin.  
CC: Don’t throw the wriggler out with the rinsing water 38P  
GG: You are just terrible today.  
CC: MOR---E LIKE I AM THE BEST AT NAUTICAL PUNS!!!!!!  
GG: I do not think anyone will contest that.  
CC: )(ihi, all this talk aboat nautical things mako me want to swim.  
CC: You know how to swim right?  
GG: Err…..  
CC: You do! You do!  
CC: You said so in a memo somewave.  
GG: Yes I can but…….  
CC: BUTTS ARE FOR SITTING ON, COME ON LETS GO!!!!  
GG: I couldn’t.  
GG: I do not think you would want to see me like that, I mean…. It is not a flattering sight.  
CC: I am SHOR----E it will be fin!  
CC: Besides, I have never seen a human swim before so I am not laughing at YOU but at human swimming.  
CC: Big difference!  
GG: You seem very insistent but I am afraid I’ll pass.  
CC: Whale fin, mrs grumpyfin.  
GG: Perhaps some other time.  
CC: A)(, you said it!  
CC: No taking it back now, we are GOING to swim sometime!  
GG: Yeah…. Sure?  
CC: ALRIG)(T!!!!!  
CC: Sea you tomorrow at the lake!  
GG: See you then Feferi.  
GG: Have fun swimming and say hi to the fishes for me.  
CC: YOU KNOW I WILL!!!!

\--cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG]\--

* * *

 

\--cavalierGargarization [CG] began trolling gnarlyCrailtap [GC]\--

CG: Ah, Pyr9pe. I am delighted t9 find y9u 9nline.  
CG: At the risk 9f s9unding presumptu9us, I trust y9u have been well?  
CG: What am I saying? 9f c9urse I sh9uld 6e well aware 9f the rather tumultu9us week y9u have had.  
CG: That is n9t t9 say that I think y9u are una6le t9 handle the aff9rementi9ned week, rather that y9ur week has indeed pr9ven t9 6e a hectic 9ne indeed.  
CG: I can 9nly imagine the frustrati9n, as well as the p9ssi6le disc9mf9rt in regards t9 y9ur situati9n with 9ur resident Capt9rs, particularly the 6eta variant. T9 6e perfectly h9nest, I am n9t entirely sure what his deal is either, and wh9 can kn9w f9r sure c9nsidering their alternate universe up6ringing 6ut you have my sympathy regardless.   
CG: Perhaps y9ur newf9und ashen c9rresp9ndence with Serket c9mf9rts the unease, and it pr96a6ly d9es 6ut I can imagine seeing y9ur matesprit change this drastically is a c9nstant s9urce 9f uneasiness. If it is any c9nciliati9n h9wever, I am certain Mituna will devel9p in a well adjusted tr9ll with the assistance 9f his m9irail, al6eit a significantly different 9ne.  
CG: If there is any am9unt 9f stress y9u are feeling regarding this particular subject h9wever, I w9uld like y9u t9 kn9w that I am here f9r y9u and will gladly assist y9u in res9lving any 9f the aforementi9ned matters. The 6enefit 9f 9mplete altruism is 9f c9urse an imp9rtant within my serm9ns and what 6etter way t9 lead than t9 lead by example.  
CG: Naturally, it als9 helps that I am really f9nd 9f 9ur very plat9nic friendship and c9uld n9t 6are t9 see y9u distressed. Especially n9t if this distress is caused 6y a devel9pment 9n the matesprit end 9f the spectrum.  
CG: S9 I want y9u t9 kn9w that I am here f9r y9u.  
GC: holy sh1t v4nt4s.  
GC: 1 r34d l1k3, m4yb3 h4lf of th4t. wh4t’s go1ng on?  
CG: hmmm…..  
GC: hmmm wh4t?  
CG: Leij9n had inf9rmed me that I sh9uld c9nsider a6ridging my messages in 9rder t9 make them m9re palpa6le f9r the masses. Perhaps she was c9rrect, th9ugh I am n9t f9nd 9f admitting as such.  
CG: I am quite f9nd 9f the l9nger serm9ns myself, as they are 6etter at c9nveying nuance and ensure that my intended meaning is br9ught acr9ss in the dial9gue.  
GC: no w4y dude  
GC: p4lp4bl3 m3 up m4n, wh4t3v3r th4t m34ns!!!  
CG: Haha, yes… That is funny?  
GC: short 1s th3 w4y to go!  
GC: 1t 1s l1k3, th3 b3st th1ng you c4n do w1th th3m sermons yo!  
CG: Regardless, I dismissed Meulin’s advice, viewing it as little m9re than 9live-bl99ded meddling (like indeed they d9), h9wever if y9u indeed supp9rt her message I will 6e f9rced t9 take it int9 seri9us c9nsiderati9n.   
GC: h3ck y34h!  
GC: g3t th4t sh1t r3comm3nd3d l1k3 h-3-doubl3 hock3yst1cks m4n!!!  
GC: know wh4t 1’m s4y1ng?  
CG: Frankly, I have nary a clue, h9wever I find y9ur use 9f that h9rri6ly 9utdated slang strangely charming.  
GC: wh4t?  
CG: It suits y9u.  
GC: wh4t th3 bl4z3s do you m34n ‘outd4t3d’ v4nt4s?  
CG: Pard9n?  
GC: my sl4ng 41nt outd4t3d yo!!!  
GC: 1t 1s th3 r4d w1ck3d sh1t th4t 1m 4lw4ys s4y1ng, you d1g!?  
CG: I am currently n9t equipped with anything suited f9r such an activity.  
CG: N9t 9nly that 6ut I fail t9 see the relevance 9f c9nstructi9n w9rk in this c9ntext.  
GC: look, 4lls 1 4m s4y1ng 1s th4t th3r3 41nt noth1ng outd4t3d 4bout th3 w4y 1 s4y th1ngs th4t 1 sp34k.  
CG: I c9ncur. There isn’t n9thing 9utdated a69ut the way y9u c9nverse.  
GC: so w3 4gr33?  
CG: Evidently.  
GC: 41ght cool.  
GC: you shouldn’t b3 push1ng my buttons l1k3 th4t v4nt4zz.  
GC: l1k3, 1 know 1 4m m4d ch1ll 4nd stuff but l1k3, 1 t4k3 my qu1rk s3r1ous to th3 3xtr3m3 you know?  
GC: 41nt no on3 m3ss1n w1th my qu1rk.  
CG: really?  
CG: wh9 is?  
GC: 1….  
GC: no, 1 s41d no on3 1s m3ss1ng w1th my qu1rk.  
CG: Y9u expressed this in a d9u6l3 n3gative. 6ecause 9f this, y9u imply that s9me9ne is indeed messing with y9ur quirk.  
GC: m4n, 1m just us1ng my qu1rk to 3xpr3ss mys3lf.  
GC: 1 4m not wr1t1ng for your 4pprov4l or 4nyth1ng.  
CG: N9r sh9uld y9u. It certainly is n9t my intent t9 put a damper 9n y9ur creativity 9r the means 6y which you express y9urself Latula. I merely desired t9 p9int 9ut the p9ssi6le c9nfusi9n y9ur lacking regard f9r the Bef9rian language c9uld muster. After all, pr9per c9mmunicati9n 6etween like-minded individuals is key t9 maintaining a healthy and functi9ning s9ciety.  
GC: 3rr…. y34h!  
GC: 1 th1nk  
GC: s4y, 4r3 you jo1n1ng us w1th th3 whol3 1sl4nd qu3st th1ng13 tomorrow?  
CG: Th9ugh I w9uld 6e delighted t9 6e included in 9ne such a b4rb4ric ritual, 1 w9uld have t9 decline. Quite frankly, a vi9lent quest such as that 9ffends my g99d tastes and stands in direct c9nflict with my 9ath 9f pacifism, which is 9ne I m9st certainly value.  
CG: I 6elieve the perfect s9ciety we 9ught t9 create sh9uld n9t have t9 depend 9n vi9lent means t9 meet its g9als. Dipl9macy, mutual understanding and educati9n are the c9rner st9nes 9f creating what c9uld 6e a w9rld that c9m6ines the 6est elements 9f 6ef9rus, Alternia and yes, even earth. Admittedly, these 6eings are 9nly underlings and I am n9t a hundred percent certain these creatures are capa6le 9f sentient th9ught, which d9es make y9ur indiscriminate gen9cide 9f them slightly m9re palpa6le.  
GC: soooooo you 41nt jo1n1ng us?  
CG: Evidently, I am n9t.  
GC: ok4y, good.  
CG: what?  
GC: 1 m34n b3c4us3 l1k3, th4t sh1t would b3 h3ll4 b4d mojo for uh….  
GC: 1 m34n… b3c4us3 1t would confl1ct w1th your whol3 o4th th1ng13s.  
CG: I see. I appreciate the c9ncern.  
GC: y34h don’t sw34t 1t.  
GC: you gots to h4v3 l1k3 wh4t? f1v3 d1ff3r3nt o4ths to k33p tr4ck off?  
CG: All my self-imp9sed rules f9r living a perfectly 6alanced life and leading 9ur gr9ups by example 9n the path t9 peace fall under a single 9ath, h9wever there are num9r9us rules I must indeed a6ide by.  
CG: Certainly I have inf9rmed y9u 9f these?  
GC: l1k3, 1t m1ght h4v3 sl1pp3d my m1nd 4 l1ttl3?  
GC: c4us3 you w3r3 t4lk1ng for 4 r34lly long t1m3 4nd stuff.  
CG: …..I see……  
GC: 1 don’t know m4n, m4yb3 l31jon w4s onto som3th1ng.  
CG: Apparently she was.  
CG: I am n9t 9pp9sed t9 inf9rming y9u 9f my ‘c9mmandments’ yet again, h9wever it is s9mewhat startling t9 learn I have such an effect 9n pe9ple. Why didn’t any9ne tell me I c9uld m9re effectively reach an audience when my serm9ns are made significantly sh9rter than they are in their current f9rm.   
CG: There are a num6er rules I live 6y, I am n9t all9wed caffeine 9r meat fr9m any f9rm 9f p9ultry. I must 6rush my teeth three times a day and stand f9r justice and equality am9ng all 6l99dcastes (even the extremely privileged, despite my 6etter 9wn sentiments regarding the matter, f9r n9 9ne ch99ses their 6l99dcaste, merely h9w they ch9se t9 act in it. The path I walk is n9t suited f9r th9se faint 9f heart).  
CG: As f9r the 9ther rules in my creed, there is a wide variety I ch99se t9 f9ll9w. The m9st 96vi9us 9ne pr96a6ly 6eing a very determined stance regarding vi9lence, in that I pr9m9te pacifism and ch99se t9 lead 6y example, alien th9ugh it may 6e t9 parts 9f 9ur culture. 9ur dancest9rs in particular seem c9mpletely 6affled 6y this phil9s9phy 6ut I will 6e delighted t9 educate them.  
GC: 1 b3t…  
GC: k33p work1ng on th4t whol3 ‘short3r sp33ch’ th1ng m4n. l1k3, 1 4m sur3 you’ll g3t th3r3 3v3ntu4lly.  
CG: Ah c9nf9und it. I just g9t s9 caught up in the m9ment again.  
GC: 1 h34r you bro.  
GC: p4ss1on and junk c4n m4k3 you go 4ll k1nds 4 nutt3rs for sh1t l1k3 typ1ng qu1rks or 3xc3ss1v3 sp33ch3s.  
CG: 9r matesprits I assume?  
GC: h4h4, y34h.  
GC: l1k3, you wouldn’t 3v3n b3l13v3 th3 k1nd4 junk mc do3s to 1mpr3ss m3.  
GC: compl3t3ly off th3 hook b4n4n4s 1 t3ll you.  
CG: I see.  
CG: It must 6e difficult f9r y9u.  
GC: wh4t?  
CG: Well, this wh9le transiti9ning peri9d n9w that he has f9und himself a c9mpati6le m9irail. L9rd kn9ws h9w S9llux will ch99se t9 m9ld Mituna’s admittedly frail, simple mind.  
GC: WH4T?!  
CG: As I stated 6efore, this mental transiti9n will pr96a6ly see a drastic shift in his pers9nality, in way unlike anything we have seen since 6ef9re 9ur unf9rtunate 6ut unav9ida6le deaths.  
CG: I ap9l9gize, perhaps I sh9uld have issued a pr9per trigger warning 6ef9re making such a 69ld statement.  
GC: you th1nk!?  
CG: Yes. T9 assume that 9ur deaths were either unav9ida6le 9r unf9rtunate w9uld imply that I have kn9wledge 9ver alternate timelines in a way that supersedes the limitati9ns placed 9nt9 me by b9th my class and my aspect.   
CG: Regardless, the issue with the Capt9rs might n9t have t9 6e a 6ad thing.  
GC: wh4t 4r3 you t4lk1ng 4bout?  
CG: I am merely trying t9 explain t9 y9u that l9sing Mituna the way he has 6een since the accident might n9t 6e a 6ad thing.  
GC: ok4y, th4t just 41nt f41r.  
GC: c4us3 l1k3… 1 w4nt to h3lp h1m w1th g3tt1ng b3tt3r 4nd junk but wh4t 1f h3 r34lly do3s ch4ng3 1n w4ys 1 c4n’t 3v3n 1m4g1n3?  
GC: wh4t 1f h3 d3c1d3s v1d3og4m3s 4r3 for dumb n3rds?  
GC: wh4t 1f h3 won’t l1k3 m3 onc3 h3 1s 4ll b3tt3r 4nd stuff?  
GC: l1k3, h3 s41d h3 b3 cool 4nd junk but th3 1d34 1s k1ll1ng m3.  
CG: T9 6e perfectly frank, I always th9ught y9u deserved a l9t 6etter than what Capt9r was 9ffering.  
CG: His pedestrian, 69rderline 9ffensive 6ehavi9r always struck me as a particularly strange fit with y9u, a tr9ll wh9 in my hum6le 9pini9n is a l9t m9re refined.  
GC: wh4t th3 h3ck 4r3 you t4lk1ng 4bout?  
GC: h4v3 you s33n m3?  
GC: 1 41nt r3f1n3d yo!  
GC: 1 41nt w4nn4 b3 b3cuz 1 don’t c4r3!  
GC: 4nd why th3 h3ck would 1 w4nt 4nyon3 but tun4?!  
CG: And n9w the inc9rrect grammar returns, which incidentally is s9mething I d9 n9t care f9r myself. H9wever, if it pleases y9u I pray y9u c9ntinue these antics at y9ur leisure. D9 n9t let my 9wn preferences stifle y9ur freed9m 9f expressi9n, as l9ng as you remain aware 9f p9tentially triggering su6jects.  
GC: y34h, not 3v3ryon3 r34lly c4r3s 4bout th4t junk v4nt4s. w3 4ll 4dults, or 4t th3 v3ry l34st m4d r4d1c4l trolls you know? 1f som3th1ng 41nt j3ll1ng 4ll comfort4bl3-l1k3, w3 c4n d1scuss th4t.  
CG: While I appreciate the sentiment, much d9 I prefer t9 av9id the risk 9f insulting 9r triggering s9me9ne peri9d. While mature de6ate a69t triggering su6jects is indeed imp9rtant, it might already 6e t99 late after a p9tentially disastr9us first impressi9n has 6een made 6y menti9ns 9f a6leisms, hem9ph96ia, casual castism 9r even specism n9w that we have t9 live am9ng these humans.  
CG: Speaking 9f which, d9 y9u think we 9ught t9 take their species int9 special c9nsiderati9n when it c9mes t9 their p9tential triggers? Speaking f9r myself, I d9n’t think any 9f us (with the p9ssi6le excepti9n 9f Nitram) kn9w anything a69ut them.  
GC: pl34s3 don’t ch4ng3 th3 subj3ct m4n.  
GC: 1ts h3ll4 rud3.  
CG: What su6ject did y9u wish t9 discuss?  
GC: l1k3, you w3r3 t4lk1ng sh1t 4bout mc 4nd 1 w4s not h4v1ng 1t.  
CG: I realized y9u were triggered and wished t9 m9ve the c9nversati9n al9ng t9 av9id causing any harm. H9wever, I maintain my p9siti9n regarding the su6ject, in that Mituna will be th9r9ughly changed thr9ugh his m9irail’s interference. Whether this will effect y9ur matespritship with him, I d9 n9t kn9w 6ut what I d9 kn9w is that it has always 6affled me that y9u w9uld have settled f9r a tr9ll like him. This is n9t an implied dig at his disa6ilities, rather an 96servati9n 9f his character 6ecause even pri9r t9 his accident he was an incredi6ly rude, unc9uth and at times d9wnright unpleasant pers9n. If th9se elements 9f his pers9nality reemerge 9r w9rse, get amplified, it w9uld 6e an 9utright d9wngrade fr9m the Capt9r we’ve shared the 6u66les with.  
CG: And well….   
CG: I think y9u deserve 6etter than that.  
GC: 1 don’t know 4bout th4t bro.  
CG: And 9nce he is unf9rtunately and inevita6ly changed well… I want y9u t9 kn9w I am there f9r y9u.  
GC: th4t’s sw33t…  
CG: And perhaps, in that pr96a6le scenari9…. Diner and a m9vie? May6e?  
GC: WH4T?!  
CG: Naturally y9u d9 n9t have t9 answer right away, I understand. It is merely a very casual 9ffer with n9 96ligat9ry strings attached whats9ever. An 9ffer I d9 h9pe y9u will take int9 c9nsiderati9n.  
GC: l1k3 h3ll 1 w1ll!  
GC: your off3r 1s h3ll4 wh4ck!  
CG: I… Excuse me?  
GC: you b33n t4lk1ng up th4t b4d sh1t 4bout tun4 ch4ng1ng 4nd not l1k1ng m3 4nymor3!  
CG: I said it was a distinct p9ssi6ility.  
GC: TH3N YOU GO 4SK M3 OUT ON 4 MOTH3RFUCK1NG D4T3?!  
CG: N9w y9u are just putting w9rds in my m9uth. At n9 p9int did I ever menti9n a date, n9r did I intend t9.  
GC: oh don’t 3v3n, th1s w4s w4444y th3 h3ck b3yond 4 troll-fr3ud14n sl1p.  
GC: you t4lk1ng up b1g g4m3 4nd sh1t 1s on3 th1ng but to try 4nd t4lk sh1t 4bout mc 1s just fuck1ng n4sty m4n.  
GC: wh3r3 1s your sh4m3 br4h?!  
CG: It was n9t my intent t9 put it like that.  
GC: nop3 but you d1d.  
GC: so th4nks 4 bunch; now 1m 1n 4 cr4p mood.  
GC: go1ng offl1n3 b3for3 y4’ll go 4nd tr1gg3r m3 som3 mor3.  
GC: p34c3!

\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC] ceased trolling cavalierGargarization [CG]\--

CG: Darnit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not even going to say what the wordcount on this chapter is. It will only discourage readers. Mental note: be more critical in picking *what* conversations to showcase in voyeurism chapters and be less liberal with red herrings. After this, I need a vacation. Maybe a five day trip to Belgium. In fact, let's leave *checks watch* 5 hours from now. Great plan.
> 
> Next chapter will deal with the reclaiming of the English/Harley island. So that ought to be fun. First going to return to Movies with Karkat for the Rocky Horror Picture show, which is also a lot of fun.
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. What pairings do you expect to see? Let me know in the comments because I want to know how obvious I am being. Check out [my tumblr](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/) if you feel like it but dont expect a lot of activity this week. Good night and have a good week folks.


	11. Hellmurder Island

The jungles of the Harley/English Island felt like an entirely different climate. Compared to the more moderate temperatures of the suburban hive zone, the island was damp, hot and incredibly uncomfortable. Beads of sweat began forming on his brow, not from exhaustion but from merely being there. His clothes were getting sticky and breathing felt like he was being suffocated very, very slowly. If it was bothering Jake and Aradia, they weren’t showing it so he stoically continued his march through the jungle. Somewhere he was thankful for this quest to be supposedly beatable in a single day.

Dirk was smart enough to know that such an extreme difference in climate so close to one another was practically impossible. He suspected however, that Caliborn had no idea.

With Jake and Aradia taking point, Dirk really didn’t need to worry about the roaming monsters as much. Despite the fact that the creatures were noticeably stronger than back in the Lalonde forest, they still weren’t a match for a combination of psychic power and rapid gunfire.

“If you want to gain some levels you can take point for a bit no problem, chum.” Jake assured him.

“I’d just draw out all the aggro.” Dirk replied, fully aware of his lower level.

“See?” Aradia beamed. “It’d be perfect.”

“I’ll pass.” Dirk continued. “Besides…. Gotta keep up with these shenanigans over that thing Karkat made us install.” He fiddled with his glasses, pretending to check the boards. His team seemed to buy it. Unfortunately for him, it got the attention of someone else.

\--autoResponder [AR] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]\--

AR: Do you have an earthly clue how boring this is?  
TT: Nope.   
AR: There is no activity on pesterchum whatsoever.   
AR: How am I supposed to keep myself entertained when I can not dig through your private conversations?   
TT: Read a book.   
AR: I know you are thinking you’re saying this ironically because I already have read literally all the books but I am going to take you up on that offer.   
AR: Boom. Done.   
AR: I just read all the books again. Want me to do it again for good measure?   
TT: I’ll take your word for it.   
AR: You know you could just make me a body right?   
AR: I already technically pilot Sawtooth, Squarwave and the equipment in your lab. Why not go all the way and give me my own swanky metal body?   
TT: Because I’m not an idiot.   
AR: Ouch?   
TT: If you’re so bored, why not put some extra effort in translating those ancient troll text you scooped off of Aranea?   
TT: Surely the prospect of having new reading material should excite you to the point of popping a pixel.   
AR: Great actually.   
AR: I now have 2 whole pages translated.   
TT: Not exactly stellar progress.   
AR: Oh I’m sorry I experience some technical difficulty in translating a language that is not supposed to exist. Clearly, I am in the wrong here.   
TT: Point taken.   
TT: Continue fixing Aradiabot for the time being.   
AR: Yeah, working on it.   
AR: Speaking of Aradiabot, how is her real life counterpart doing?   
TT: Yeah, no. She’s all smiles and junk.   
TT: Adventuring seems to be a thing for her.   
AR: So when are we sabotaging them?   
TT: Pardon?   
AR: Aradia and Jake.   
AR: Or are you telling me you’re okay with some troll hussie coming in and stealing your waifu?   
TT: I do not believe I have any say in Jake’s romantic affairs at this point.   
TT: In fact, I count myself lucky he still considers me a friend at all, after all we’ve been through.   
AR: Yes, yes, he is a good egg.   
AR: Still, you don’t want to get these two together do you?   
TT: I don’t think Jake realizes it is an option.   
AR: So make it so that he never will.   
AR: Come on, pull some strings, play some fools.   
AR: Do it old-school so no one will even think you are the puppet master.   
AR: Manipulate some fleshlings is what Im saying.   
TT: Consider it under consideration.   
AR: You aren’t going to do it, are you?   
TT: Nope.   
TT: Look, when I finally dated Jake it was nice for a while but I am not entirely sure it was what either of us were looking for.   
TT: It certainly wasn’t what we needed.   
TT: I was too controlling and he was too….. Jake?   
AR: Let’s go with that.   
AR: Point is you’ve changed and you can always try again, right?   
TT: I don’t think I will.   
TT: I value my friendship with English more than I desire a relationship with him.   
AR: And you are okay with Jake hooking up with Aradia?   
TT: Maybe?   
AR: …………………………..  
AR: You know…. Next time you try and fool yourself, it would be more convincing if you aren’t checking out his ass when you say it. 

“Any news from the B-Team?” Aradia asked while cheerfully skipping through the jungle.

“Nope.” Dirk replied. “Assuming you meant mobile support squad.”

“Im not sticking to Karkat’s goofy names.” she laughed.

Jake looked over his shoulder at the mention of the other team. He tried to spot them through the thicket but to no avail. The alpha trolls that were supposed to follow them would be taking a longer route to reach the Harley/English hive. Encountering would mean that one of either parties had gotten off course or that they were persued by something so threatening they couldn’t call for help over communications.

Dirk took the radio silence as good news. It meant things were progressing smoothly and that he could listen in on Jake and Aradia’s conversation in front of him.

“So is your hive around here?” the troll asked her friend, floating in the air next to him.

“Possibly.” Jake replied, quickly uncaptchaloguing more ammo.”Thusfar we have only encountered the old homes of our ecto-friends, so the odds seem stacked against my old home appearing.”

“That’s a shame.” Aradia mused.”I would have liked to see it.”

As a particularly agile underling tried to blindside Jake, she used her psychic ability to slam him against a tree. Dirk casually stabbed it as he walked past without breaking his pace. He heard a ding, indicating that he leveled up but opted to ignore it. He was too busy ignoring the jungle temperatures and eavesdropping to care for a minor statboost.

“Oh, well….” Jake continued a little sheepishly. “It’s not like…. I mean, most of it was destroyed prior to the game anyway. Even if it’d be my hive, I am not sure there is anything left to show off.”

Aradia shrugged. “Then I’ll just have to show you mine when we get to LOQAM.”

“Sounds delightful!” Jake exclaimed. “Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what kind of alien architecture and technologies an actual alien home would hold!”

The troll chuckled warmly.”We’ll make it a big cultural exchange party.”

AR: Can I at least contact him to give him some tips on the whole flirting thing?  
TT: Hal, no.   
AR: This is just painful to watch.   
TT: You’ll get over it.   
AR: All I’m saying is that he makes you look like a social savant.   
AR: She throws him a line every now and then and he gets tangled up in them.   
AR: Jake doesn’t even seem to be in to her.   
AR: Maybe you’d do him a favor by dating him again.   
TT: We’ve been over this Hal.   
AR: Open your eyes man, he clearly isn’t up for all this flirting from Megido. 

Dirk quickly glanced up. Jake was busy miming whatever a cultural exchange party looked like and Aradia was laughing at his antics. Dirk frowned and begrudgingly had to admit to himself that they looked pretty cute together.

TT: Are we seeing the same thing?   
TT: What’s bothering you?   
AR: Just try flirting a bit with him to intimidate her into stopping.   
AR: I calculate an 83% chance of success, which in my automated opinion is entirely worth it.   
TT: Oh my god.   
TT: I never even thought about that possibility but…. Damn, I did not expect this.   
AR: Flirting with Jake to prevent the unfavorable scenario of Megido swooping him off his feet and driving off into the sunset?   
TT: No.   
TT: I’m just thinking one of us is still hung up on the currently single Jake English.   
AR: Indeed.   
AR: It is you.   
AR: We have been over this. 

“Anything new happening with the other teams buddy?” Jake’s voice rang through the jungle.

Dirk froze and realized that the rest of his team was looking at him with anticipation.

“Yeah….” he mumbled, quickly terminating his conversation with his autoresponder. “All sorts of hijinx going on with the others……”

“OH EHM GEE!” Roxy laughed. Together with Rose and Kanaya she had found a clearing where they made themselves comfortable. Her only job was to obfuscate the seers, which had become as natural as breathing to her, to keep them safe while they did their job. Terezi was supposed to coordinate along with Rose but at the last moment she switched teams with Kanaya.

While not an expert on the relations between those trolls, Roxy assumed that they did the switch behind Karkat’s back. Roxy was cool with it. The jadeblood seemed like a chill babe when they worked together in the garden.

It wasn’t her she was concerned about working together with.

“You will never guess what’s happening with the others now!”

“Everything is progressing smoothly….” Rose asserted coldly. “So I’m assuming Karkat is making a scene again?”

“Please tell me he is not arguing with his past and future selves again.” Kanaya added, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Nah.” Roxy uncaptchalogued her laptop and scooted next to the troll to show her.”John took Karkat’s name and ran with it. Check it out.”

“That’s so incredibly childish.” Kanaya said with an amused smile.

“Is there anything of actual significance included amidst those messages?” Rose sneered impatiently. Roxy was taken aback by her tone and even Kanaya seemed a little concerned.

“Oh uhm… Yeah, totes.” she muttered. “Like…. John and his gang wanna do the aggro thing but like, want the affirmititive.”

Rose closed her eyes and furrowed her brow in concentration. Her hands clasped together, as if praying for the fortunate outcomes she desired to see. Even without godtier robes, there was an obvious light coming from the seer.

“Tell them to continue walking towards the volcano.” She finally surmised. “It should take them an odd 10 minutes to come in range of Jade and Eridan, should they require assistance.”

“Right….” Roxy nodded. “On it.”

Kanaya glanced from Roxy to Rose and back again, a little unsure of what warranted this unspoken tension between the two Lalondes. She quietly uncaptchalogued a few cups, together with a flask of hot tea.

Rose smiled at her moirail as she quietly accepted a cup.

Roxy outright beamed as she was handed a cup.

“Holy shit Kanaya, thanks!” she laughed. “That’s so thoughtful of you!”

“Oh well….” the troll chuckled.“I do try.”

“I’m so sorry dear….” Rose eye’s narrowed and turned an icy cold. Her voice however was coated in sugar.”Had I known you were bringing supplies like this, I would have made some cookies.”

“Oh my god, you would?!” Roxy asked enthused.”That would have been the bomb!”

“I might make a multitude of kinds-” Rose had a smug smile on her face. “-just to ensure there would be some you enjoy.”

“Aaaw shucks.” Roxy giggled.”You really don’t have to go through the hassle like that.”

“I insist.”

“I’m pretty sure I’mma enjoy whatever cookies you bake.”

“Splendid, even if it does not convince me to change my plans.”

“Aight but like….” Roxy said, a little unnerved by Rose’s excessive kindness. “I’m hella spoiled for cookies cause like, hello, bff is baking heiress and shit.”

“I will consider it a challenge.” Rose said resolute, taking a sip of her tea.

Kanaya quietly drank her tea, not entirely sure what kind of games were being played but entirely certain that the communication between the two Lalondes wasn’t running smoothly.

“You take that back!” Jade growled.

“I’m just sayin it the wway it is.” Eridan said with a shrug.”You do that stupid thing wwith your tongue and get this look on your face like it is physically painful to aim.”

“Nu uh!” she protested.

“Well, you uhm… kinda do the tongue thingie?” Rufioh mumbled, barely loud enough for her to hear.

The journey to the top of the volcano had been pretty uneventful. Jade guided them through the dense jungle and showed them the easiest paths to swiftly reach the top. Once they were there and awaited further instructions however, the bickering started.

Eridan complained about the ungodly temperature and the humidity of the jungle.

Jade complained that he should have had the foresight to at least use some deodorant.

Eridan complained about the time it took them to get to the top. ‘Because look, wwe can see it from here; that path is wway shorter.’

Jade insisted that that path was much more difficult to climb and would have ultimately taken them longer.

It wasn’t too bad. Jade was pretty patient with people like Eridan and her moirail was there to support her. However, once Rufioh began scouting and the two snipers began shooting, the petty annoyances rapidly followed each other.

“Stop doing that tongue thing.”

“Are you ‘tryin to steal my kills?”

“Why are you evven aiming like that?”

“CAN YOU CUT IT OUT!?” Jade finally snapped. “GEESH, JUST LET ME DO MY THING!” She balled her fists and took a deep breath to continue ranting but Rufioh had already landed next to her to pacify her rage.

“I just wwant to knoww wwhy you tryin to crawwl through your scope like an absolute newwb.” Eridan chuckled.”I mean, this shit is easy, right? Select the enemy you wwant, pull the trigger and boom.”  
As if to demonstrate he touched the strangely square scope of his rifle and fired with only a casual glance in the direction of his target. Jade looked through her scope to confirm the kill and found the typical pile of grist where the laser had landed.

“Let me see that.” Jade growled, snatching Ahab’s crosshair from the seadweller’s hands. She had seen the rifle before, back when she worked on her present for John but the clouds of Skaia told her she wouldn’t be using it yet. Taking a closer look at it’s mechanisms however lead her to an obvious conclusion.

“Ain’t she a beauty?” Eridan boasted.

“It has an aim-assist program.” Jade stated.

“Wwell, yeah…..” he replied. “Wwouldn’t wwant to miss noww wwould I?”

Then it dawned on him.

“You are actually usin an analogue rifle?” he asked, trying to stifle his laughter.”Nitram, you actually let your moirail wwalk around with a piece a shit like this?”

“Err…. I kinda trust her to pick her own weapon…” Rufioh shrugged.

“I like that rifle!” Jade protested.

“Wwhatevver.” Eridan chuckled. “Just sit back an let me do the wwork. It’d be a fuckin miracle if you hit anythin wwith that peashooter.”

He hadn’t finished his sentence or a loud bang rang through his ears as a bullet grazed past his fins. Upset by this sudden shot he turned around, only to see a smug little human look at him.

“Can you confirm the kill?” she giggled, leaning on her rifle.

“It’s a hit alright…” Rufioh mumbled, looking through a pair of binoculars.”Pretty dead… Was a big one too.”

Eridan snarled and adjusted his glasses.

“Fine. You wwant to play?” He asked with a venomous voice.”Bring it on.”

Meenah kicked against the wall of the frog temple, eliciting no response whatsoever. They had entered the temple hours ago but hadn’t made any progress once they reached what was supposed to be the boss room.

“WHERE THE GLUB IS THAT FINFLIPPIN BASSHOLE!” Meenah’s voice echoed through the tunnels. Aranea looked conflicted at her friend before sauntering the the inscriptions on the wall.

“Perhaps it is a puzzle?” she suggested. With a casual gesture she uncaptchalogued a large book containing translations for the hieroglyphs. Vriska and Meenah looked at her like she had gone insane.

“I am NOT solving some ancient bullshark puzzle like a glubbin shrimp!” Meenah exclaimed.”Maybe it’s like a daily event…. Or maybe a speseafic class needs to be in here for the boss to be summoned!”

“Which is exactly why we need to get to figure out if these hieroglyphs hold any meaning.” Aranea sighed. ”Let’s calm down and see if there are any special requirements.”

“No other boss had such a stupid puzzle attached to it.” Vriska protested.

“I know. Seariously, it shored have been here!’” Meenah complained.

”If the texts talk about details to summon the boss, we can go from there.” Aranea suggested. “So let’s not act rashly and just take it easy alright?”

“This is a waste of time!” Meenah complained.

“We have plenty of time left.”

“There has COD to be a betta wave to figure this shit out.”

“ Unless you think that testing every possible variable is somehow more viable, I’m afraid not.” Aranea sighed.”Now please, let us calm down, take a few deep breaths and solve this.”

Meenah kicked the wall again in frustration.”Cod. Leave it to Bookfang to suckafish the fun outta the adventure.” she grumbled just loud enough for her friend to hear it.

Aranea shot her friend a hurt look before quickly turning her head and concentrating on her book again.

“We should go on ahead.” Vriska suggested after the silence was taking her too long. “Let Aranea figure out if not these dumb hieroglyphs tell anything about a puzzle or not.”

Meenah shot her friend one last look before turning back to Vriska.

“Yeah…. Ocray.” She mumbled. “Probs betta than waitin around doin nofin.”

“We’ll give a shout if we find the boss.” Vriska promised Aranea, as she and Meenah searched for a way to get deeper into the temple.

Aranea could hear their footsteps slowly get muted. Their voices ceased echoeing as they delved deeper into the temple. She was left to her own devices. She was left alone. Her best friend would rather go on an adventure with her dancestor than stay with her. She shouldn’t have expected anything else. Ever since her daring ring heist she could feel a sense of distrust coming from Meenah. It just hadn’t been the same since that strange moment in their timelines. Vriska somehow made that feeling go away but Aranea felt like her friend was emotionally closing herself off from her.

It was clear that she’d never stand a chance.

“It’s better like this........” Aranea muttered to herself, clasping her hands tight around the edges of her book. She had translating to do.

“Okay, so Rose said we should be drawing the enemy round here.”

John had led Tavros and Equius to a small clearing in the jungle. Like Rose had suggested, it was a 10 minute walk from their previous spot. As he looked around, he couldn’t spot anything that would offer them an immediate advantage over the previous spot but the faith he had in his friends was an important part of their collaboration.  
Rose in particularly was always so damn smart, so there wasn’t a shred of doubt in John’s mind that being in range of Jade would be of the utmost importance at some point.

“Are you kidding?” Tavros moaned, “This looks exactly like our last spot. Are you sure we aren’t lost?”

“That means this spot will suffice just as well.” Equius grumbled. He had barely spoken after teaming up with Tavros.

“So uhm… At the risk of sounding kinda stupid, do you think it’s alright if I begin?”

“It is never a stupid thing to ask your betters for guidance.” Equius responded.

“Oh well….” Tavros groaned. “Guess I’ll just start then, because there aren’t any of my betters here… Especially not John.”

“What did I do?”

“I recommend disregarding this ill-mannered h001igan.” Equius said.

John couldn’t help but wonder if there was some sort of troll tension between the two. Perhaps something black, perhaps something even more alien or perhaps just general dislike. He could sympathize with any of those scenario’s. With what little contact he had had with Tavros, he seemed like a very annoying person. But trolls were weird and difficult to read. He’d have to ask Equius about that in private, to see if there was any blackflirting going over his head.

In private.

With Equius.

“Is something the matter?” Equius upon seeing John visibly flinch at the thought.

“I’m fine.” he quickly responded. “totally fine with nothing crazy going on whatsoever… haha” he laughed sheepishly.

“Look, for the record…” Tavros began, placing his hands on his temples. “I think you are both despicable. There, now that fact is on the table for everyone to gawk at.”

“i don’t even really know you dude.” John rolled his eyes, only vaguely remembering a slapfight in the dreambubbles. Was that this that same guy? He thought so but didn’t even know for sure.

“Whatever.” Tavros continued. “the point is, you are both pretty much terrible and I am just going to start commanding the underlings around here to come join us here for uhm…. a cozy picknick, wherein they’ll be given a sandwhich… a knuckle sandwhich that is.”

Equius and John stared blankly at Tavros while the first black creatures began circling the clearing. two basilisks and a gygas. John jumped up and smashed the zillyhoo into the skull of a basilisk while Equius suplexed the gygas. Both of them disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving only a modest pile of grist behind.

The second basilisk was just standing there, looking dopey.

“See uhm… People kind of forget that with my animal communion skills, we can pretty much get through this island no problem.” Tavros beamed with pride. Equius seemed unimpressed and punched the last basilisk in the teeth.

“That’s actually kind of neat.” John said, actually kind of fascinated by Tavros’s power.

“I didn’t ask you.” Tavros snarled. “As if I uhm… Care what your opinion is on the matter of these sick aggro’s im drawing.”

“Okay, whatever.”John rolled his eyes. He twirled his hammer and readied himself for the next wave approaching.

He wasn’t going to let a disgruntled troll ruin his fun.

“Right so….” Dave began. “The stoic and awesome assistant of Legislacerator Redglare comes up to this cave door right?”

Dave sat with Terezi and Nepeta atop of a cliff, overlooking the site of the frog temple. Since they weren’t needed anywhere and since John’s party was drawing the monsters to the center of the island, there really wasn’t all that much to do for them. It hadn’t taken long for Terezi to convince her cool human friend to roleplay with them.

“Yes but what can Snoops Twopac do?” Nepeta asked.

“He can rap at it.” Terezi suggested.

“Once people hear Snoops’s sick music skills, all doors will just magically open for him.” Dave affirmed. “But until the music industry gets its grubby greedy paws on his latest album, he’ll have to work as a part-time assistant for the legislacerator.”

“Unaware of the fact, that the position is for life.” Terezi added with a malicious grin.

“Long as he can rap to the beat of his heart, he will always be a musician first.”

“Can he rap about bringing criminals to justice?”

“Sure.”

“So what is he going to do about that door?” Nepeta asked with a grin. Playing pretend was fun but she never had the opportunity to do so with a human before. It was interesting, kind of weird but very funny.

“Alright check it.” Dave said, his lips barely curling into a half-smirk. “Since the pouncilor doesn’t even know Snoops exists, something he takes very personally, he’s just gonna knock and pretend to file a noise complaint.”

“I don’t think the pouncilor cares.” Terezi commented.

“He’s going to borrow a cup of sugar?”

“In the middle of the jungle?” Nepeta giggled.

“Alright.” Dave shrugged. “How about I just tell her some amazing troll hottie is here to see her?”

Nepeta paused and pondered.

“Oh come on, that can’t work.”

“The pouncilor IS very fond of romance in all ways, shapes and forms…” Terezi said, nudging the human.

“And she’s a legendary womanizer.” Nepeta added.

“In none of our games has that ever been brought up.” Terezi chuckled.

“She ended up with the legislacerapurr multiple times!” she protested.

“How can ending up with one woman, multiple times, be considered womanizing?”

“So like….” Dave continued. “Snoops knocks on the giant fuck-off cave-door and tells pouncilor Catsanova about this amazing troll babe that’s here to see her?”

“The pouncilor carefully opens the door…” Nepeta narrated “She was looking for this alleged troll babe but could only find Snoops.”

“Rude.”

“The legislacerator springs her trap and---“

Terezi stopped mid-sentence and sniffed around. There was a smell in the air that she couldn’t identify. She wasn’t certain if it was a threat or not but she wasn’t about to take any chances. Dave and Nepeta were already standing up and drawing their weapons.

“You smell it too?” she asked.

“Yes, because I too am a troll with a freakishly powerful nose.” Dave grumbled.”Call me Matt fucking Murdock while you’re at it.” Terezi could smell his red eyes darting back and forth behind his glasses, trying to track their assailant.

“It’s moving too fast.” Nepeta hissed. In an instant she was floored by an invisible force. Terezi and Dave looked concerned at their partymember but she quickly got back on her feet, unharmed safe for her pride.

The three of them formed a circle with their backs to each other in an attempt to cover every angle. Whatever it was that was watching them, it seemed to have wandered off for the time being.

“So who wants to tell Lalonde?”

Feferi gracefully floated towards the shore of the lake and whipped her hair about to try and get it dry. There was no success but Jane seemed impressed. Either that or she was annoyed that she found herself in the splash zone. It was kind of fun to see her buckteethed human mouth curl up like that.

When Karkat stamped over the beach to meet her however, that sense of amusement faded.

“WHAT THE THUNDERCLAPPING FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!” He yelled, despite there being virtually no distance between the two trolls.

“I was juuust getting out of the water.” she answered with an innocent smile.

“I CAN NOT BELIEVE I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS!” Karkat continued to rave.”WE ARE *NOT* MOVING CROSS-ISLAND TO MEET UP WITH NEPETA, KANAYA AND DAVE. UNDERSTOOD?!”

“R----EELLY?!” Feferi asked in a faux friendly manner. “Because I think that I will.”

“AS MUCH AS I WOULD FUCKING LOVE TO GO OUT AND HAVE AN ADVENTURE PROPER, WE ARE STAYING *HERE* SHOULD ANYONE TURN UP WOUNDED. IT IS THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO!”

“No it isn’t!” she puffed her cheeks.”The responseable thing to do is to go help our friends!”

“WE ARE HELPING OUR FRIENDS BY OFFERING MEDICAL ATTENTION AND TRANSPORT WHEN NEEDED!” Karkat shouted in frustration. “WHAT PART OF THIS DO YOU FAIL TO COMPREHEND!?”

“Uhm, guys?” Jane tried to interject.

“THE PART WHERE WE AREN’T THERE WHEN THEY NEED TO FIGHT OR GET WOUNDED, WHILE FIGHTING!” Feferi shouted back. “WE KNOW WHO HAS THE BIGGEST RISKS, WE SHOULD BE THERE!”

“SPREADING 2 HEALERS OVER THIS MANY PEOPLE IS IMPOSSIBLE AND YOU KNOW IT PEIXES!”

“YOU AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO FIND A WAVE TO MAKO IT WORK!”

“No, no, no….” Karkat groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You SERIOUSLY think it is a good idea to abandon our safe post and risk our healers for something LALONDE FUCKING CONFIRMS isn’t a threat?!”

“Whale why don’t you just ask her then!” Feferi snarled.”Then at LEAST we know we’re stayin here for a reason! Because if not, Jane and I will go swimming.”

“I didn’t—“ Jane tried to add.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK CROCKER?!” Karkat turned to the human. “SHOULD WE STAY OR SHOULD WE GO?!”

“TELL HIM JANE!”

“Well both ideas have merit…” she mumbled, feeling put on the spot. Suddenly swimming in the lake seemed like a capital idea.“Because if we were on the move as well, we could assist Meenah in the temple, or find out what’s haunting Nepeta….”

“HAH!” Feferi said, already celebrating the victory Jane hadn’t granted her yet.

“But…. If we were to move and something were to go wrong, it would make it harder for us to get to the injured party… We’d have to split Feferi and myself up to assure that no one is too far removed from a healer, which would mean Karkat would have to escort both of us unless of course, someone were to travel alone but we’ve firmly established rules against that for a reason.”  
She looked up, unsure of whether or not her opinion on the matter had been helpful in the slightest.

“HAH!” Karkat replied square in Feferi’s face. “THANKS FOR THAT CROCKER. THANK FUCK AT LEAST ONE OF OUR HEALERS IS THINKING TACTFULLY.”

“I didn’t say we shouldn’t do it.” Jane reminded Karkat, who stopped dead in his tracks.”I personally think we should ask Rose what would benefit the teams the most.”

“UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH” With a loud shout of frustration Karkat sat down on the beach and uncaptchalogued his husktop.

Jane looked back at Feferi and shrugged. She wasn’t entirely sure what just happened.

Feferi meanwhile was trying really hard to stifle her laughter.

Hiding behind the thick jungle foliage to be exact.

Armed with nothing but a guitar, a skateboard and a bonesaw the trio watched through the leaves as Dirk and Aradia saunter into the human hive. Moments later they came running out again, a horrifying abomination hot on their heels. It’s 5 eyes looked enraged at Dirk and its many tentacles swang at the human in a frenzy but he nimbly dodged the attacks. In a flash, Jake flanked the beast and got a few shots in, while Aradia used her psychic abilities to stretch 2 of its tentacles to the breaking point. The beast screeched in rage.

“Do you ever think that, maybe, we were never adequately prepared for this?” Latula whispered observing the intimidating boss.

“I think these youths have been raised in a much more….. Combat-orientated environment.” Porrim deduced.

“Ey, don’t speak like you’re some old crone Maryam.” Cronus added. A chilly glare of Porrim reminded him to quickly shut his mouth again.

“It’s actually kind of disheartening to see how bad most of us are at this.” Latula said with a disheartend chuckle.”Like, there’s Meenah, Aranea and maybe Damara if she gets in the mood?”

“You forget Makara.” Porrim added a little bitter.

“Still, that’s like 4 out of our entire gang. And only 2 of those can be trusted to be consistently on our side.” Latula sighed.”I just thought we could help out a bit more this time around by grinding levels but the gap is still like, hella huge, you know?”

“Don’t swveat it Pyrope.” Cronus assured her. “Maybe wve are poor fighters but im sure wve havwe other talents, right?”

“That’s surprisingly thoughtful of you Ampora.” Porrim mumbled, acknowledging his right to speak. “But lest we forget; if the assault team fails, it is up to us to slay the boss.”

She hadn’t finished her sentence or Dirk got grabbed by one of the monster’s tentacles. The three of them flinched in horror at the realization that they may have to step in to safe the day. Luckily, only seconds after grabbing Dirk, the tentacle bursted in a lot of gory chunks. Jake winked playfully at his teammate as he helped him get up before getting back into the fray with a shrieking battle cry.

“Yeah, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that…” Cronus said, looking a bit more pale than usual.”Wve’ll just provwide transport if one a them gets hurt, yes?” Porrim and Latula nodded in agreement.

The fight between the boss and the assault team raged on. The only sound topping the screeching monster were the warcries of Jake.

“At least we can explore the hive when they are done, right?” Latula mumbled.”I mean, it looks gigantic. I didn’t know Jade and Jake were highbloods.”

“No, wve should totally do that.” Cronus said, a bit too eager. He shuffled closer to Porrim and nudged her.”Maybe wve can get lost together.”

Porrim responded by hitting the back of his head with the pommel of her bonesaw.”Keep it in your pants Ampora.” she hissed.

The boss battle went mostly according to plan.

Dirk and Aradia took point in an attempt to catch the monster off-guard. They followed Rose’s advice and approached from the west entrance. The place seemed to be as pristine as it was prior to the game. Dirk quietly took in the greenhouse and took a mental note to run the creature into it if it became too hard a fight; those glass shards would hurt like a bitch. He also took in the ancient armors (“Claiming one of those ancient non-katanas for myself? I think not.”) and the strangely erotic blue ladies decorating the walls (“Never change English.”).

Finally they reached the chamber with the final boss, an almost formless beast seemingly made out of tentacles and scales. Dirk signaled Aradia and the two of them tip-toed around it.

It was sound asleep.

AR: You know what this reminds me off?  
TT: Not now Hal.   
AR: Are you kidding me, this is totally a scene from Monsters inc with reversed roles, you can’t make that up.   
TT: Not now Hal.   
AR: Hey, do me a favor and trip Aradia if you have to flee alright? 

What Rose didn’t account for, was for Aradia to step on a squeaky squiddle toy, alerting the creature to their presence. Dirk knew she couldn’t see past his shades but both of them knew he was giving her a ‘are-you-shitting-me’-look. The five eyes of the beast opened one by one and its tentacles began convulsing as it let out a roaring yawn.

“Any plans?” he whispered. She flashed him a terrifying grin.

“Just the one.”

With but a swift gesture she lifted up every heavy object she could find in the vicinity. Dirk could only count a sofa, a medieval armor and a dishwasher before Aradia slammed her collection into the monster’s back. It let out an infuriated roar in pain. As it slowly turned it’s head one of its eyes managed to spot her.

AR: This is your chance man.   
AR: Trip her. 

“I got another plan.” Dirk growled, grabbing the troll by her arm and making a run for it.

The massive beast shuffled around so it could turn before rampaging through the chamber in an attempt to get to its assailants.

“Jake, now!” Aradia yelled once they led the creature outside.

Jake quickly darted past Dirk and Aradia and began strafing around the boss, unloading a salvo of bullets in its face. One of them hit it square in the middle eye, making it howl in pain.

The fight continued with Aradia’s temporal clones attacking it from all angles, Jake continuously reloading and blasting his clips into it and Dirk getting some hits in when he could. It was an arduous and drawn out battle but the three of them eventually whittled it down to it’s last bit of health.

“Hey buddy.” Jake panted. “Think you can take that thing down for us?”

“Pretty sure 2 or 3 shots will be enough to finish the job.” Dirk replied stoically, in an attempt not to show just how winded he was.

“Yes, but you need to experience.” Aradia said with a grin.

“Okay, one: I don’t accept charity and two—“

The boss lashed out at Dirk with it’s four remaining tentacles. He casually stepped aside to dodge the first two, cut the third into ribbons and blocked the last one. With a flash step he vanished from it’s sight, only to reappear right behind it.

“-your sentiment is appreciated.”

With a final backstab the creature burst into smoke and turned into a shower of well-earned grist. Jake and Dirk dropped down on the grass to catch their breath. Aradia seemed to be okay with just floating around.

“That was a tidbit more complicated than anticipated.” Jake admitted.

“We’ve had worse….” Dirk mumbled.

“Oh, you have no idea.” Aradia laughed.

“I’m just glad I got to go on this trip with my bestest adventure buddies.” Jake laughed. “Seriously, this whole day has been a blast. I’m so glad I ended up in a team with the two of you.”

Dirk glanced at Aradia, who just looked back at him and shrugged sheepishly.

TT: You know what Hal?   
AR: What?   
TT: I think I would be absolutely okay with it if Jake and Megido become a thing.   
AR: ……………..

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!!”

Meenah stomped through the temple, repeatedly kicking the walls at random spots to see if there were any hollow spots. To no avail whatsoever. Vriska was trudging behind her with a frustrated look on her face. She was trying to make Rose come clean with the information she needed but to no avail. They had been exploring the deepest sections of the temple for the past two hours. Neither of them felt like they were coming any closer to finding the boss that was supposed to be guarding the place.

“WHERE THE SHELL IS IT!!!!!” Meenah roared, kicking the solid stone walls over and over.

“I don’t know……..” Vriska groaned. “Talking to Lalonde is like talking to a deaf lusus. You give it a shot.” Meenah grumbled something intelligible while grabbing her own phone to continue the conversation.

After a few more kicks, the hall looped them back to the chamber they left Aranea in. Much to their amazement, she was still diligently transcribing the hieroglyphs.

“OH MY GLUB!” Meenah pulled her braids in frustration. “WE’VE TURNED THIS FUCKIN PLACE UPSIDE DOWN AND WE AINT NO FARTHER TO FINDING THE BASS!”

Vriska groaned and sat down, leaning against the wall.”Pleeeeeeeease tell me you at least made some progress.”

“Afraid not……..” Aranea sighed.”In fact, nothing about these scriptures seem to mention anything about a boss. A whole lot about the history and purpose of this temple though. Apparently, it was first build not as a place of worship but as—“

“NO ONE CARES ABOAT THIS GLUBBING TEMPLE!” Meenah angrily punched the wall.

“Meenah, can you cease attacking these walls?”

“We shored have found the bass HOURS ago!”

“Meenah, I—“

“This temple is a GLUBBIN dead-end, other parties aint helping for shit, YOU are STILL workin on this unrelated bullshark—“

“I—“

“—We’ve been STUCK here being GLUBBING USELESS. No progress, no exp, no NOFIN! AND WHAT THE GLUB IS LALONDE SAYING ABOAT THIS NOW?!”

“Nothing.” Vriska groaned.”It is most fortunate for us to remaaaaaaain here……. What does that even mean? What are we supposed to do?”

“GODDAMNIT” Meenah placed a head on her temple and grinded her sharp teeth in frustration. “I swear, when we get out a here I’mma KRILL that gill! First I’mma krill that dumb fucking boss, then I’mma krill Lalonde for being such a lil beach…”

“Sounds good.” Vriska snickered.

“AND THEN I’MMA KRILL MA DANCESTOR AND THAT CROCKER SUCKA BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN GETTING ON MY NERVES LIKE FUCK!” Meenah was chuckling to herself at the thought.

“Err….” Vriska briefly glanced at Aranea. No one knew exactly what to do with that.

“That ought to glubbing show them…. Yes, yes it should.” Meenah grinned a mad smile and punched a hole in the solid stone wall.”AND THEN I’MMA DRAG THIS WHOLE GLUBBING TEMPLE TO THE SEABED IF---“

“Meenah, for heaven’s sake!” Aranea hissed. She closed her book with a resounding ‘thump.’ “Calm down!”

It happened before either of them realized what was going on. Aranea’s hand found its way to Meenah’s cheek and gave her a few firm paps. The seadweller stood frozen in shock and Aranea froze in place once she realized what she had done.

“I-I didn’t…” Aranea muttered. She glanced over to Vriska, who had placed her hands over her mouth and was blushing fiercely. Meenah had yet to recover from the shock.

“I…….. I gotta go get some air.”

Aranea quickly captchalogued her books and ran for the exit. She’d think of a way to explain herself to Meenah later.

“So what did she say?” Nepeta asked.

The trio once more found themselves back to back, trying to track the shadow that was pursuing them. Whatever it was doing, they weren’t going to give it an opportunity to attack them. Any attempts made by them to move out of it’s range however, just made it follow them.

Whatever it was that pursued them, it had uprooted large trees to close off any escape routes the trio might have had. The only way they were going to leave was by confronting their assailant.

“Oh, you know….” Dave mumbled.”She suggested we sit down and talk with it. Probably go out for drinks with it later, maybe bed it, marry it and have several disgusting children.”

“Sounds fun.” Terezi cackled. “So *what* exactly are we going to say? Our last words?”

“Like hell we are!” Nepeta growled.

“So Dave……” Terezi said, whiffing the air. “What are you going to say to it?”

“Iunno.” he mumbled. “I’mma rap at it?”

“Daaaave……”

“Lay down some sick bars with it?”

“Dave no……”

“Just watch, we’ll be bff’s by the time i’m through.”

“Let’s call that plan B and let me try.” Terezi grinned. She stepped out of their defensive formation and leaned on her cane. By sniffing the air around her, she tried to locate their pursuer and had a general idea what direction to speak in.

“Attention unknown presence.” She said in a loud, clear voice.”We have come here to reclaim the lands that are ours by right.”

“Really TZ, you’re gonna lawyer it to death?”

“Leave us in peace and no harm will come to you….. Probably.”

An invisible force knocked Terezi off her feet. Frantically she crawled back on her feet and returned to their defensive formation. She shot Dave a ‘don’t even say it’ look.

“Any other ideas?” Nepeta asked.”I can try to get into the trees to flank it….”

“It’s too fast.” Terezi said with a grimace.

“Dave, use your time clones.”

“Nope.” Dave shook his head. “Not doing that.”

“We need those time clones!”

“Yeah, not happening.” Dave mumbled.”I’mma just try talking to it.”

“Dave, no.” Terezi hissed.

Dave stept out of formation and walked a few yard, frantically thinking of what to say. He stood there being awkward and dopey for a good 30 seconds before he finally began talking.

“Yo, how’s it going?” he said to no one in particular.“Name’s Dave. Really like your forest. The trees really tie the place together.”

Terezi and Nepeta facepalmed.

“So like, we’re just having a ball in this forest here, no biggie.” Dave leant nonchalantly against a tree. “We’re here with like, this big group. It’s kind of a thing. Taking down the bosses and letting the land prosper. You know, stereotypical hero biz. As cliché as it gets but you know, tidies up the neighborhood and junk. We should be out again before nightfall, so you can do your lonely forest thing again. Harley and English might want to come over occasionally but they’re good folk. You’d get along.”

There was no reply, just the wind rustling through the trees. Dave felt like an idiot for talking to an empty space.

“You still there?” he asked nothing in particular.

“Ouch!” Nepeta got knocked down by being’s force again. A clear sign that it was still lurking.

“Rad.” Dave turned to face the forest again.”So if it’s all the same to you, we’re getting on our way. Like, you can come along if you like but maybe stop slamming people to the ground. It’ll be fun. We can tease the losers in the temple, kick some imps… Heck, why not come along to the mainland and drink some aj while playing broken games and watching shitty anime or something?”

“Dave, no….” Nepeta growled.

“Come on.” Dave laughed, “What’s the worst that could h---“

Without any warning, a troll with curved horns, maroon colored eyes and a big smile landed in front of Dave. He flinched and squeeked in surprise.

“SOUNDS FUN!”

Equius, John and Tavros had their post in the middle of the island. They found themselves surrounded by monster infested jungles and piles of uncollected grist. John and Equius both circled around Tavros, armed and ready to strike, while the latter used his abilities to draw the enemies in range. In theory, this was a very functional set-up.

In practice, this turned out a lot more difficult than expected.

“Come on John, try to keep up.” Tavros groaned.

John repeatedly found himself overrun by monsters way above his level and often required help from either of the trolls. This time he found himself brawling with a large beast they dubbed a goliath. As per instinct, he tried to turn into wind. He tried to collect the air around him and weaponize it. To no avail. The goliath punched him square in the face, knocking him over and making a beeline towards Tavros.

Equius stepped in and obliterated the creature with his superhuman strength. It disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving another pile of dust. Equius extended a hand to John and helped him up. With a grunt he adjusted his glasses and turned to Tavros.

“That’s enough Nitram.” He said, not bothering to hide his discontent.

“What?” Tavros asked.”Why, what are we doing?”

“You have been deliberately sending the tougher monsters towards John.” Equius stated matter-of-factly.“This has occurred a minimum of three times in a row now and I suspect only because I did not start counting earlier.”

“Uhm, yeah…” Tavros rolled his eyes.”As if. Have you considered that it is maybe John that is just too weak?”

It was true. John and Equius both knew that he leveled slower than Vriska, Terezi or the others. Especially with the time he lost working on the construction of the boat. He didn’t have Equius’s super strength or Tavros’s ability either. Just his guts and a hammer.

“I’m scrappy.” John said with a sheepish smile. Tavros groaned in annoyance. This time three goliaths stepped out of the jungle, their unwieldy bodies slowly trodding towards John.

“Beginning to feel like you’re doing this on purpose!” he yelled as he slammed his hammer down on the foot of the first one. He jumped up and hit the goliath in the chin with his hammer but the creature was still standing.

Equius jumped onto another goliath and wrestled it to the ground with seemingly little effort before punching it in the face. He jumped on the third one and tore its head from it’s shoulders, leaving only the one John was combating.

“Come on, at least take down ONE of them John.” Tavros chuckled.

With a final swing and an exhausted warcry John brought down his hammer on the skull of the goliath to defeat it.

“Alright uhm, that was really good and bravo.” Tavros said, bringing his fingers to his temples.”Now we know that you have no trouble with three of those, lets try this.”

Three more goliaths stepped out of the jungle but this time they were flanked by basilisks. John groaned and got ready for combat but Equius turned to Tavros.

“I am not taking orders from a repugnant lowblood such as yourself.” He growled, grabbing Tavros threatingly by his collar.”You have shown yourself to be unsuited for any position that requires leadership, as expected of your ilk.”

“Dude, really?” Tavros moaned.”This again? Seriously, this classism shtick is so old.”

“It is not a shtick, it is proven fact.” Equius grumbled. “You show yourself to be petty and unable to perform in situations that require strategic insight. Therefor I nominate John to be the leader.”

“Wait, me?” John asked, a little surprised.

“You have done it before, correct?” Equius asked.

“Okay, yeah, stopping you there…” Tavros interjected.”I am not the leader… I am pretty sure Karkat and Meenah are, or at least think that they are. I’m just the guy luring all enemies here, so unless John can do that too, I think I have an uhm… pretty solid job security. Not my fault the two of you kinda suck… Especially John.”

Equius began sweating and uncaptchalogued a towel to try and dab himself dry.

“You….” He gritted his broken teeth. “flatitious, contemptuous lowblooded lout.”

“Yeah, no…” Tavros sighed. “Let’s go there again. Undermine your own point by uhm… bringing up the hemospectrum again.”

“Bemoan it all you like.” Equius stated.“It is a proven fact that you, as a brownblood is worth less in very nearly every area than a blueblood.”

“Uhm…” John raised his hand as if asking a question. “Is that a thing?”

“Yes.”

“No, that would be stupid.” Tavros rolled his eyes. “Seriously John, even you know this right? Like, Kanaya, Terezi and Sollux are pretty smart but they are lower than this poopmaster, which uhm... supposedly makes him better. Heck, Karkat was our leader and he is technically lowest out of everyone.”

“Such a…. Depraved experience.” Equius mumbled, sweating profusely.”But the hemospectrum needs to be uphold and the highbloods should reclaim our position of leadership.”

“Err…..” John mumbled, a little uncomfortable with the situation. He liked Equius a lot but this was a very strange belief. Especially if it meant Equius somehow felt himself superior over many of John’s friends.

”Are you absolutely sure about that?” John suggested.

“Verifiably.” Equius nodded. ”Why?”

“It’s just kind of, you know…. what Tavros said?”

“Thank you!” Tavros’s voice rang.

“Do not let that lowblooded fool cloud your mind John.” Equius growled.”You don’t truly believe civilization would be better left in the hands of ingrates such as him?”

“Oh look!” he said, quickly changing the subject after he felt his communication device buzz in his sylladex. “Stuff is happening on the twitter thingie.”

He’d have to find a way to inform himself about the hemospectrum before bringing the subject up again.

“See? This shit happens evwery time.” Cronus sighed.”Like, evwen Maryam rejected me. Howv pathetic must I be?”

He and Latula took a rest in a corridor of Jade’s home while Porrim scoured the place for supplies. It was as good a time as any to lament his poor success in the romance department. Cronus had uncaptchalogued his guitar and was playing wonderwall for the third time. Dirk and Aradia had asked him to stop. Jake and Latula didn’t seem to mind.

“So like, who did you ask?” Latula asked. She thought Cronus was a bit of a creeper but the potential for drama enticed her.

“Feferi Peixes.” He bemoaned. “Meenah’s dancestor, cute as a button.”

“You said the same thing about Nitram’s….”

“Right but this is different.”

“Aight, so how did you ask her?”

“Real casual-like.” Cronus mumbled, accidentally missing a chord.”you knowv, like, hey you seem pretty cool and wve aint doing anything right nowv. Maybe come ovwer and chill a bit.”

“Can I see?” Cronus nonchalantly tossed Latula his phone.

“Just don’t check my unreleased singles. They’re unreleased for a reason.” Cronus pondered for a moment.”And maybe stay awvay from the images too…. Just in case.”

Latula scrolled and read and began frowning. She read through the tweet, through his earlier conversation with Porrim and even some one-off advances he made to other team members. She wasn’t impressed.

“See?” Cronus sighed dramatically.”Totally unfair, right?”

“Dude, Crone….” she started carefully, “like…. do you not know how to flirt or something?”

Porrim meanwhile was busy searching through Jade’s old home. She had found the botanarium and couldn’t help but smile at the plants that had grown out of control without her constant care. It explained why the human had been so eager to begin on growing her own food. She didn’t find the bass Jade requested there but did find a brass flute and captchalogued it.

Traversing further upstairs she came across a myriad of transportalizers. All of them out of order. A pity. Instead, she climbed the stairs.

The rooms she encountered painted a very odd picture of Jade, not matching the girl she was in the gardens at all. Rooms filled with trophies of what Porrim assumed to be enemies Jade had defeated in battle. She even combated a murdershark and took its head as a prize.

The next room was filled with armors of various sizes and styles. Porrim wondered whether Jade was a collector or if she planned to raise an army on her home planet. Neither thought appealed to her. They weren’t very practically stored and Porrim had some trouble navigating the room without cutting herself on the sharp metal edges.

The third room carried even worse implications than the last. Decripit enemies Jade had mummified to be preserved, desecrating the bodies of her slain foes. Some were even more decayed than others, showing that the human had been working on this morbid collection for some time. Porrim couldn’t help but wonder if Jade too was some powerful creature of the day.

Porrim took a moment to take in the fourth room. The women in the photos were certainly pleasant to look at but the blue motife didn’t make any sense. In fact, it was very confusing. Porrim stood there for a good 5 minutes before deciding to move on. She would have to ask Jade about that in person when she’d give her the bass.

Finally Porrim arrived at Jade’s bedroom. This seemed to match the image she had gotten of the human during their time gardening. The walls were colored pastels and floor was littered with plushies, many of them based on cephlapods. Just another alien thing she didn’t understand. Her beds stood proud in the middle of the room. One bed, two beds, three beds. One for a comfortable night’s rest and two tickets to immortality and godlike abilities. As expected, the questbeds of Hope and Space were located here. She would have to inform the party about that later.

There was one more set of stairs, that took her to an abandoned lab. No bass there either. The place gave Porrim the creeps, with it’s broken monitors, trophies that didn’t fit in the other rooms and even worse; taxidermied victims. She would need to have a long talk with Jade about that one. She hadn’t considered Rufioh’s moirail to be a safety risk but her hive harbored some frightening things. She wasn’t sure what to make of it.

With empty hands she descended down the stairs.

“I’m telling you, you should try being a little more…. subtle?” Porrim heard Latula explain.”Like, you’re coming off way strong.”

“Evwen more subtle?” Cronus moaned.”like, no offense Pyrope but you are kinda crampin my style like that.”

“Word of advice Latula…” Porrim chuckled.”Give up. Ampora isn’t willing to learn and he certainly shall not succeed.”

“Oh, nowv she is interested.” Cronus groaned as he shot Porrim a nasty look.”Wvell that ship has sailed Maryam.”

There was a very uncomfortable silence between the two of them, with Latula sitting very awkward in the middle. She almost sighed of relief when Jake informed them that they were going to hike back to the beach.

“oh come on, you don’t even have to aim!” Jade complained.

“Not my fault my rifle is better than yours.” Eridan said with a smug smile as he rested his rifle on his shoulder.”Like, howw do you evven hit anythin from this distance wwith such a primitivve devvice?”

“I calculate the distance, velocity and wind resistance.” Jade said with a confident smile.

“Bullshit. That shit’s pretty much impossible.” Eridan turned to Rufioh.”You aren’t confirmin kills that she doesn’t actually make, right?”

Rufioh raised his hands defensively.”No man. All kills I called were actually uhm… kills.”

“Wwell, wwhatevver.” Eridan sighed.”Wwe are wwrapping up anywway, might as wwell call it my wwin noww and go. Wwhat’s the score?”

“97 to 85” Rufioh mumbled, having kept the score.

“Then i havve clearly demonstrated wwho the better sniper is.” Eridan said, very satisfied with himself.”Not that there wwas any doubt wwhen dealin wwith these fuckin idiot humans.” He captchalogued his rifle and his waterbottle and readied himself to climb down the mountaintrail again.

“Wait!” Jade stepped in his way with a determined frown on her face.”One more shot.”

“Pardon?”

“We each take one more shot and we’ll see who wins then!” her face was red and she was shivering in anger.

Eridan glanced at Rufioh, who just shrugged at him. He adjusted his glasses and bared his sharp teeth in a frightening grin.  
“Bring it on, human.”

The two snipers got back to the ridge of the volcano and looked over the forest. Eridan casually fired his rifle into the forest and looked over to Rufioh, who confirmed the kill.

“Make that 98 to 85.” Eridan gloated.

Jade frowned and equipped her iron lass armor. The trolls gave her a strange look. Eridan leaned on his rifle, giving a mocking wolf whistle.

“Err… Jade?” Rufioh mumbled.”That armor sure looks snazzy and stuff but uhm… I don’t think it’ll particularly help you with the sniping.”

“Oh, it’s not for aiming.” Jade said, smiling brightly at her moirail.”It’s for lifting.”

With a loud ‘clunk’ she uncaptchalogued and equipped the proton cannon. A massive metal cannon, so heavy she needed the armor to support it. To Jade, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to take it for a test drive. Eridan’s jaw dropped upon seeing her equipment and Rufioh quickly fluttered back.

“One shot right?” she grinned.

“Jade, maybe don’t---“

With a snap movement she pulled the trigger. One second there was a booming sound coming from the weapon charging up. The next, everyone on that ridge was blinded by the immense light coming from the proton cannon.

The destruction was immense. An area the size of three football fields was completely evaporated, leaving a huge crater killing any creatures that may have lived there. It was terrifying to see just how much power Jade’s weapon held. The edges of the crater were still smoldering.

Eridan and Rufioh looked in disbelief at Jade, who just smiled at them in a sheepish manner.

“Whoops!”

“THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WWHOOPS?!” Eridan cried.

“How many did I hit?”

“NO, WWE ARE NOT DOING THIS!!”

Rufioh jumped up and began floating towards the crater. He uncaptchalogued his binoculars and began scanning for individual piles of grist but it was difficult to call what belonged where. Frightened and confused imps and other creatures gathered by the edges of the crater in an attempt to figure out what exactly happened just a few seconds ago.

Something else caught his attention however.

A shadowy figure began moving away from the crater and it was moving fast. Immediately, Rufioh signaled Jade and Eridan. He could hear Eridan shout at Jade that she should drop the cannon and use her rifle for this one.

The shots rang through his ears but much to his surprise, the shadow dodged all of them. Even the aim-assisted lasers fired by Eridan were dodged like they were nothing. Rufioh peered through his binoculars again to try and plot the route of the shadow, to see where it was headed.

“Oh drat…”

“Yeah Rosie…” Roxy asked, narrating the social activity to Kanaya and Rose.”What áre we dealing with?”

“I’m trying.” Rose groaned, her hands on her temple.”But there are too many variables. I can not get a clear vision.”

“Like, why don’t you determine what variables we’re dealing with and go from there?”

“You know, I would.” Rose sighed bitterly “unfortunately, I lost that ability along with my orange pyjamas.”

“Well, what do you think it is Kanaya?” Roxy perked up and smiled at the troll.

“Excuse me?”

“What do you think is making a run for the beach?” she asked.”No seer powers required.” Rose shot her ectosibling an annoyed glare but she didn’t seem to notice.

“Roxy, we do not have time for this nonsense.” Rose snarled.”If it is headed for the beach, I need to inform Karkat now.”

“So Kanaya doesn’t get a say in this?”

“This isn’t about her getting a say.” Rose bemoaned.”This is about using our time effectively.”

“Try again darling.” Kanaya said with a faint smile. She sat down behind Rose and began massaging her shoulders. Rose begrudgingly relaxed and tried to get a vision again. Roxy just smiled at the tender display.

“You two are sooooo cute together.” Roxy doted.”Like, the most precious.”

“Hrmph…..” Rose grunted, her eyes shut tight.

“Like, it seems she really enjoys whatever that thing is you’re doing Kanaya.”

“Oh…” Kanaya chuckled, a little embarrassed.”It’s just something I picked up.”

“Like, if its not a moirail only thing, you can totes work on my shoulders.”

“It is a bit intimate…..”

“No, no, that’s cool. No prob.”

“Quiet please….” Rose growled. Kanaya nodded and began massaging her back instead. Roxy sighed and began kicking her legs a little of boredom.

“So what do you think it is Kanaya?” the rogue asked eventually.

“I believe I asked for you to be quiet.”

“Right, and I asked for Kanaya’s opinion on what’s the hippity-haps.”

“I can not concentrate with you constantly interrupting.”

“Oh come on, you couldn’t figure it out when I was quiet.”

“Well, you are not helping.”

“Hey, I’m doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.” Roxy said defensively.

“And I would like to do so as well.” Rose said venomously.”So if you don’t mind….”

Kanaya pondered for a second as the arguing between the sisters continued. She calmly continued massaging her moirail and tried her hardest to surpress her own ashen urges. It would be unseemly of her to try and mediate between the two of them now. Instead, her mind began to wander to the creature heading for the beach and what it could be.

”Eliminating the other options and considering the fact it dodged both Eridan and Jade…. It either has to be a hitherto unknown kind of underling, capable of amazing speed or…..” her eyes turned sharp and she quickly glanced at her moirail.

“Oh shit….” Rose gasped in realization. She quickly snatched Roxy’s laptop and opened the space twitter.

They didn’t got it.

The three of them took a defensive position, hiding behind the dunes. It was Karkat’s idea to take a position that was easy to defend and allowed them to ambush their target. His hands were shaking from how tight he grabbed his sickles and his face was unhealthily pale. Feferi stood next to him, a unusually serious expression on her face and her trident twirling nervously in her hand.

Jane didn’t really get it. She equipped her giant spoon but she didn’t understand the nervous reactions her friends had. According to Feferi, Gamzee commited some horrible atrocities when stranded with the other trolls but Jane never got that vibe from the juggalo. Instead, he seemed like a friendly, if incredibly peculiar, person.

“Worst case scenario right here…” Karkat hissed.”This is exactly what I did not fucking want to happen. This is the bloody opposite of what I wanted to happen.” He turned to the healers.”Just stay behind me, alright?”

“I can fight just fine.” Feferi whispered.

“You are one of the two reliable healers we have.” Karkat growled.”How many times do we have to go over this?! You are too important!”

“I am a highblood.” she snapped back.”And I’m probably a better fighter than you.”

“OKAY, FIRST OF ALL---“

Feferi and Jane swiftly placed their hands on Karkat’s mouth and sushed him. They had spotted a figure that walked onto the beach and began admiring the boat. Spotted pants, black shirt, long twisted horns and three scars dragged across his painted face. It was Gamzee alright.

“If we stay very quiet….” Feferi whispered, moving closer against the dune.”Maybe we can stay hidden until the rest shows up….”

She hadn’t finished her sentence or Gamzee snapped into their direction. His lips curled into a menacing smile and he began waving to them.

“Sup motherfuckers!” He shouted over the beach. With a swift gesture he uncaptchalogued his clubs.

It all happened faster than Jane could react.

Karkat angrily yelled something unintelligible before making a dash for his ex-moirail. His sickles in hand and fear in his eyes. Feferi yelled something after Karkat before following him into battle.

Jane watched how Gamzee casually dodged the first swing of Karkat’s sickles. The second one he took head on, resulting in a nasty wound on his neck and purple blood spraying everywhere. It was just the opening he needed however to hit Karkat so hard he was flung against the boat.

Feferi jumped in before the highblood could harm her friend any further. She attempted to stab Gamzee, which he casually dodged. However, Feferi was fast and immediately twirled her trident to whack him on the head with it before he could dodge again. Gamzee just seemed to think the whole thing was incredibly amusing and chuckled. He uncaptchalogued a massive blue hammer and began swinging it around faster than Feferi could keep up with.

The first two blows she blocked with her trident.

The third hit her in the jaw and floored her.

Feferi however, was far from beaten. She spat out some tyrian blood before defiantly getting up, her trident still firmly clasped in her hands.

Karkat had gotten up as well but stayed low in the shallow water in an attempt to get the jump on his opponent. He exchanged a meaningful glance with Feferi and nodded.

The two trolls jumped Gamzee simultaneously but he withstood the attack. The sickles cleaved deep into his left arm and the trident had perforated the foot he used to block but the insanely powerful highblood was still standing. With a painful roar he lifted up Karkat and threw him onto Feferi.

Karkat fully expected to feel the warhammer cave his skull in and readied himself for the blow that never came. For some reason, Gamzee did not finish them off. Instead, he heard Feferi scream.

“Jane! NO! RUN!”

Gamzee boldly walked towards Jane, who seemed more concerned about her beaten comrades than her own safety. She darted towards them, in an attempt to help.

Feferi meanwhile, got back up on her feet. She was concerned for her friend and completely enraged by being beaten. She leapt towards Gamzee, aiming for another attack from behind but he had already taken notice. He turned around and delivered a lightning fast roundhouse kick to send her flying.

Gamzee continued walking towards Jane with a lazy smile on his face. Feferi, out but not down, begged Jane to run away but the severe beatdown she witnessed had her frozen in place.

“Sup cakesis.” He smiled and scratched the back of his neck. His hammer went back into its captchalogue-card.

“Mr Makara…” Jane said carefully. She could whack him with her spoon right now and run in an attempt to heal Karkat and Feferi but she wasn’t sure if the moment of confusion would be enough to get the job done. Instead, she figured stalling for time and waiting for reinforcements was the best course of action. Jake, Dirk, Roxy and the others would be with her any moment now.

“How you been sister?” Gamzee continued, sitting down in the sand.”It’s been a while, right?”

“It sure has…” Jane mumbled, thinking about their fight with Lord English and Gamzee’s attack on Dave.”But we’ve been holding up alright. We are slowly getting our bearings in this strange new world.”

“Aaaaah, that’s MOTHERFUCKING AMAZING TO HEAR!” He honked enthusiastically before his lazy smile slowly paved the way for a grim expression.

“So why did THOSE FUCKING IMBECILS attack me?” he asked in a cold voice.

For a second she flinched but Jane Crocker was not about to be intimidated. “Well, you scare them.” she said, uneasily patting his afro.”I mean for heavens sake, you’ve just fought with them and beat them rather badly.”

“Well they started it….” he sulked.

“And you fought against us during the battle against Lord English. Against Dirk’s brother in particular.”

“Yeah okay BUT THAT WAS---“

“AND—“ Jane interrupted, “I’ve heard it mentioned that you’ve been behaving rather nasty all around. No cute shenanigans but legitimately horrifying things that I was appalled to hear about.”

Gamzee pouted. He legitimately pouted hearing that Jane thought badly of him.

“Come on sis….” he mumbled. “PLEASE DON’T BE LIKE THAT!”

“No, I am going to be like that.”

“COME THE FUCK ON!”

“Language.” Jane corrected strictly. She had learned how to deal with the clown back in the game. She needed to deal with him in a strict and fair manner or he wouldn’t listen.

“Come on sis……” he said, hanging his head down.

Jane was a little conflicted and carefully patted his hair again. Judging by the reaction of Feferi and Karkat, it was clear that the rest of the trolls weren’t going to let this go any time soon. If there was any truth to what Feferi said, she wasn’t going to excuse it either. After all, she wasn’t born yesterday. But she wanted to help him. After all, he tried his best to help her during the game, in his own particular way.

“There they are!” she could hear the first voices come from the dunes. A quick glance revealed Dave and Terezi coming over the hill. Gamzee looked up, rage filling his eyes. Jane gently smacked his cheek to get his attention.

“Do you want to continue fighting everyone?” she whispered.

“What?” Gamzee asked, legitimately surprised.”MOTHERFUCK NO! Like, they are my motherfucking buddies y’know? I don’t wanna fucking fight them.”

“Then turn yourself in…” Jane whispered, uncaptchaloguing a pair of junior detective handcuffs, only barely big enough to fit around his wrists. No hardboiled detective should ever leave without them

“Say what?” Gamzee asked surprised.

“Just trust me.” she hissed.”I promise, I’ll figure something out.” She realized Dave and Terezi were already going their way. She had to do this now or they too would begin to fight him.

"Please." she whispered."Let me help you. Please trust me." 

Gamzee shrugged and extended his arms, allowing himself to be cuffed.

“Aight.” He smiled.“I trust you sis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not entirely satisfied with this chapter but I can't keep editing it or it'll never be posted. Probably not gonna work with the twitter thing again because it was way more busywork than I wanted it to be. But hey, variety is the spice of life and it was a fun experiment.
> 
> First we'll go to Who Framed Roger Rabbit but after that, we'll be right back for the Trial of the Bard.


	12. Trial of the Bard

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo: HELLMURDER ISLAND DEBRIEFING--

TA1: yeah don’t miind me  
TA1: iim 2kiippiing thii2 one  
CG1: I SWEAR ON MY SOCKS CAPTOR, YOU BETTER STAY YOUR ASS PUT!  
CG1: THIS INVOLVES EVERYONE AND LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOU ARE STILL PART OF THAT INCREDIBLY LARGE GROUP!  
GC1: TRUST M3 SOLLUX  
GC1: W3 H4V3 QU1T3 4 F3W TH1NGS TO D3B4T3  
AC1: :33< i can’t believe he went with us so willingly  
AC1: :33< are we sure he isn’t pulling any funny meowves???  
CC1: no, we aren’t….  
AT1: yEAH WELL, wHO CAN TELL RIGHT?  
AC1: :33< who is watching him now???  
AA1: i am  
AA1: assisted by jane  
GG2: Everything is just peachy right now.  
GG2: He has not been a bother whatsoever.  
AT1: oKAY BUT LIKE, wHEN DID THOSE TWO BECOME FRIENDS ALL OF A SUDDEN?  
TG2: homeboi was chillin with us waaaay earlay in the game  
GT: Indeed.   
GT: He was actually kinda helpful, when he felt like it.  
TT2: Which was like twice.  
GT: It’s a matter of principal Dirk.  
TT2: No, I agree. He was a big help. Him waving that codpiece around was instrumental for our survival in the medium.  
TG2: most ungrapeful!  
TA2: 0K, 1 G1V3V UP!!!  
TA2: WH47 ER4 Y0U SH17SP0NG35 T4LK1NNG 4B0U7?!?!?!!  
GC2: on3 of th3 m4k4r4s tun4.  
TA2: KURPL0ZZZ?!/!?!?!?!///!?  
GC2: w3ll, no.  
GC2: w3 found kurloz’s d4nc3stor…  
TA2: 4ND Y0U BR0UG7 7H47 455H9L3 H3R3?!?!?!  
AC1: :33< to be fair, that option wasn’t my furrst choice either…  
CT1: D--> Agreed  
TG1: we also brought damara  
TG1: so that’s a thing  
AA2: HELLO!!!  
AT2: what, was she m1ss1ng or someth1ng?  
AA2: NOT REALLY  
AA2: JUST HAVING THE CHILL  
AA2: NOT THAT YOU CARE  
AT2: no, 1 really k1nda don’t…  
CA2: so no one is askin howv our advwenture wvent?  
GA2: I am afraid no+ o+ne particularly cares.  
CG2: P9rrim that is an incredi6ly insensitive thing t9 say. Cr9nus’s c9nstant need f9r validati9n, while a 6urden in its 9wn right, is n9t s9mething t9 sh9ve int9 his face like that.   
CG2: I w9uld appreciate it if y9u’d ap9l9gize t9 him.  
GA2: Are yo+u really do+ing this right no+w?  
CA2: you heard the man maryam, apologize  
GA2: Yo+u do+ kno+w he is   
CA2: wvhat?!  
CG2: I assure y9u, every w9rd I have sp9ken is 6ased in fact.  
GC1: C4N W3 FOCUS?!  
GC1: W3 H4V3 R34LLY 1MPORT4NT BUS1N3SS TO D1SCUSS!  
AC1: :33< there is nothing to discuss!  
TG2: neh?  
AC1: :33< we have absolutely NOTHING to say to him!!!  
AC1: :33< we should have culled gamz33 when we found him!!!  
CT1: D--> Nepeta  
CT1: D--> Contain yourself  
CT1: D--> We have been over this  
AC1: :33< yes  
AC1: :33< yes we have  
AC1: :33< and you agreed we should have left a corpse on the island!  
CT1: D--> No, I didn’t  
AC1: :33< yes you did!  
CT1: D--> No, I did not  
CT1: D--> I e%plained that we sh001d hold a proper trial for him  
CT1: D--> And offer to enact the inevitable consequences of said trial  
AC1: :33< same diffurence!!!  
TG1: yo i aint too fond of the guy either  
TG1: having a fucking clown swing his codpiece in my face during the big finale was not the kind of handicap i needed  
TG1: that being said   
TG1: maybe not immediately resort to murder  
TG1: why not put him in the slammer  
AG2: The what now?  
TG1: its what we call human jail  
AA1: i think you are being a little too sensitive about the murder thing  
TG1: see  
TG1: saying shit like that with a straight face  
TG1: kinda scary  
AA1: oh don’t be a human baby  
GA1: I Am Actually In Favor Of Closing This Particular Chapter As Soon As Possible  
TT1: That is hardly fair dear.  
TT1: You have been relentlessly chasing after him since our arrival on the meteor.  
GA1: He Has Not Been Punished For His Past Transgressions  
GT: Which entail what exactly?  
GT: I don’t think I am the only one who feels a little left out, regarding this whole debate.  
AT2: no, you def1n1tely are not…  
AT2: l1ke, he attacked dave dur1ng the f1nal battle?  
AC1: :33< he killed me and equius!  
GT: Yowzers.  
GA1: Yowzers Indeed  
GA1: The Safety Of Our Group Is Jeopardized By His Presence  
TA1: are we 2tiill talkiing about thii2?  
AG1: May8e we should just put it to a vote……..  
CG1: ALL IN DUE TIME SERKET.  
CG1: LET’S TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THE MOMENT AND MAYBE SHOUT AT A FEW ASSHOLES.  
AT1: i THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO SEE UHM, gAMZEE KILLED kARKAT,  
AG1: Is that gonna 8e a proooooooo8lem Torea8ore?  
AT1: uHM, i DON’T REALLY KNOW?  
AT1: wILL IT?  
CG1: TRUST ME, PART OF ME IS BLOODY ECSTATIC THAT WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN RESTORING ORDER AROUND HERE BUT I WAS NOT FINISHED DEBRIEFING YOU IDIOTS BEFORE YOU DERAILED THE ENTIRE, CAREFULLY CONSTRUCTED MEMO AGAIN!  
AG1: Grooooooooan!  
CC1: do you just love the sound of your own voice that much?  
EB: no way, karkat’s memo’s are great.  
TA1: iin a pathetiic 2orta way perhap2  
TA1: and even then iit2 only funny untiil iit become2 2ad  
CA1: kar maybe wwe should just go to the important business  
GC1: MOSTLY SO TH3 R3ST OF US C4N G3T OUT OF TH3 M3MO WH3N TH3 BOR1NG SH1T GO3S DOWN  
CG1: THEN WHY DON’T WE START ABOUT YOU TRYING TO ENDANGER OUR WHOLE FUCKING OPERATION!  
GC1: WH4T?!  
GC1: WH4T D1D 1 DO!?  
CC2: you an maryams lil koi  
GA2: O+ur what?  
CC2: otter maryam  
GA1: Our What  
CG1: YOUR PLOY!  
GC1: S33, 1 DON’T SP34K SH1TTY F1SH PUNS  
CC2: FIS)( PUNS ARE ALWAVES PRAWNSOME!!!  
TA1: thii2 ii2 2tupiid  
TA2: 5H005H DUMB455  
TA1: iim not mad  
TA1: ju2t dii2appoiinted  
EB: so im thinking about doing movie night at my place tonight.  
EB: anyone in?  
GC1: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 SCR33N?  
EB: …..no. god, you are so weird.  
TG1: don’t kinkshame dude  
EB: that can not be a thing.  
TG1: this is tz we are talking about  
TG1: anything is possible  
AC1: :33< can we focus!?  
CC2: seariously  
CC2: you got some weird ass attrenchion prawnblems goin on  
GA1: Very Well  
GA1: Tell Us What You Have To Say On The Matter And Let Us Get This Over With Karkat  
CG1: WHAT THE FRESHEST OF ALL HELLS WERE YOU THINKING SWITCHING TEAMS BEHIND OUR BACK?!  
CG1: MEENAH AND I ACTUALLY PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT IN PUTTING EVERYONE’S TEAMS TOGETHER AND YOU JUST KNOCK THE WHOLE THING OVER LIKE SO MANY ILL ALIGNED DOMINOS!!!  
CC2: we just mako it look natural  
CA2: so you actually had a reason for puttin me on a team wvith maryam an pyrope?  
CC2: nah, we kinda figured you woulda cluckbeasted out an just let you go with team dork as a five man club  
GA1: Team Dork  
CC2: the humans and megido  
TT2: I resent that.  
CC2: don’t care  
CC2: so yeah good on you crone  
CC2: you proved me wrong  
CC2: whale done i guess  
CA2: not sure wvhether or not im flattered or not  
AG2: I don’t think you’ll get any 8etter from her.  
CG1: I AM STILL WAITING ON THE DEFENSE FROM KANAYA AND TEREZI!  
GC1: MRS M4RY4M THOUGHT SH3 WOULD H4V3 MOR3 FUN CH1LL1NG W1TH H3R MO1R41L  
GA1: Hah  
GA1: If Memory Serves Mrs Pyrope You Were The One To Propose The Switch  
GA1: Because It Would Be More Amusing For You To Quest With Dave And Nepeta  
GC1: OH PL34S3  
GC1: YOU W3R3 4LL FOR 1T  
GA1: Like You Were Completely Sure It Would Not Be A Big Deal  
GC1: 1 F41L TO S33 HOW 1T W4S  
GC1: WH4T WOULD H4V3 GON3 D1FF3R3NT 1F 1 H4D B33N 1N M4RY4MS POS1T1ON  
CG1: I DON’T KNOW, LET ME THINK….  
CG1: OH, I KNOW!  
CG1: WE WOULD HAVE COMBINED MIND VISION POWERS WITH LIGHT VISION POWERS AND COULD HAVE FIGURED OUT WHO WAS COMING FOR THE BEACH THE MOMENT ALPHA NITRAM SPOTTED HIM!!!!  
TT1: I feel obliged to inform you that this is not how our powers work.  
AT1: bUT WOULD THEY HAVE UHM, bOUGHT YOU TIME?  
TT1: Most likely, yes.  
GC1: P4H  
GC1: WHO’S3 S1D3 4R3 YOU ON 4NYW4Y  
AG1: Seriously, Lalonde was a uuuuuuuuless seer during the whole island thing anyway.  
AG1: Aaaaaaaany time anyone needed ANYTHING she came up with nothing.  
TT1: I am not sure how many times I need to explain to you how a seer, one of your own aspect no less, works.  
AG1: Just saying. Having Pyrope help you out reeeeeeeeally would have helped.  
TG2: srsly, rosie did whatevs she cold  
TT1: Roxy, you are not helping.  
TG2: nah, i got this  
TT1: I am not in the mood for this.  
TG2: its cool  
TG2: scorporon troll needs to back off my lil sister  
EB: spiders. she is obsessed with spiders.  
TG2: wut?  
TG2: that’s stupid. like, everyoen has the whole zodiac think and then all of the suddem: BOOM  
TG2: exxploison noises  
TG2: spider  
GG2: You know, I wasn’t going to say anything but she’s right… That is pretty weird.  
AG1: I do not know what this human zodiac entails 8ut I have never reeeeeeeeally cared for scorpions.  
AG1: Spiders is where its at.  
TG2: odd shit  
CC2: so like  
CC2: water we gonna do boat maryam and pyrope doin that whale switcheroo biz?  
CC2: this not exactly a cullin offense  
CC2: probs not even a floggin one  
CG1: OH NO, WE CAN TOTALLY FLOG THEM. DISOBEDIENCE LIKE THIS ENDANGERS EVERYONE.  
CC1: that is needlessly cruel!  
CG1: I AM ONLY HALF SERIOUS. THERE IS A NEED FOR SOME SERIOUS PUNISHMENT FOR HUMANS OR TROLLS WHO WILLFULLY ENDANGER THE LIVES OF OTHERS.  
CC1: I didn’t eel that troutbubbled at all  
GG2: Yeah, me neither.  
CG1: IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SORT OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION OPTION, LIKE PUTTING THEM IN STOCKS A LA YE OLDE ALTERNIA. THAT’D SHOW THEM.  
CT1: D--> Yes  
CT1: D--> I approve of this  
AC1: :33< equius you don’t do that to friends  
CT1: D--> You do it to traitors  
EB: i think this hardly counts as being traitors, you know?  
GC1: UGH NOW 3V3N JOHN 1S G3TT1NG TH3 PO1NT  
CC2: seariously nubs  
CC2: goin a lil cray cray here  
CC1: If I may mako an suggestion?  
CG1: NO.  
CC2: no  
CC1: W)(Y T)(E GLUB NAUT?!  
GG2: Please don’t let their disapproval stop you Feferi.  
GA1: The Floor Is Yours  
CC1: )(OW ABOAT WE LET T)(EM OFF WIT)( A WARNING?!  
GC1: OH Y3S  
GC1: 1 4PPROV3 OF TH1S PL4N  
AT1: sOUNDS MORE REASONABLE THAN kARKAT’S SUGGESTION UP TILL NOW,  
CG1: OKAY, NO. AM I *STILL* THE ONLY ONE TAKING THIS WHOLE THING SERIOUSLY!? EVEN AFTER MAKARA NEARLY CLUBBED OUR DEAR PRINCESS’S THINKPAN IN?!  
CG1: TRUST ME, IT FUCKING PAINS ME TO HAVE TO PUNISH KANAYA, WHO IS PROBABLY THE MOST SENSIBLE TROLL IN OUR GROUP, BUT HOW ELSE ARE NUTJOBS LIKE SERKET OR AMPORA STICKING TO OUR CAREFULLY LAID OUT PLAN WHEN THE NEXT MAKARA SHOWS UP!?  
CC1: No, I actually agree with you on some parts  
CC1: Untill both Makaras are caught we should stick to the strategies  
CC1: AND –EV--EN T)(--EN YOU DON’T )(AV--E TO RUN –EV--ERYFIN PIKE A TYRANNUISANC--E!  
CC1: one of the Makaras is in chains as we speak, so we can afford SOME leniency in punfishing them!  
CG1: IT ONLY TAKES *ONE* MAKARA TO SERIOUSLY RUIN YOUR DAY!  
CG1: IF THAT ASSHOLE CREEPS UP ON US DURING THE NIGHT WE ARE FUCKED BEYOND THE MIGHT OF EVEN THE MOST RECOMMENDED SOOTHING CREAM!  
CG1: YOU *DO* REMEMBER GAMZEE TOOK OUT TWO OF US NO PROBLEM, RIGHT?!  
AA1: more depending on what timeline you would observe  
AA2: AND OBSERVE WE DO  
TG1: can we maybe stop trying to untangle the whole mess that is the fabric of space-time  
TG1: shit just settled down so lets try to have it remain unflipped  
TG1: nice and linear  
AA1: but why would i want to do that  
GA1: This Is Still About Trying To Determine An Appropriate Punishment For Me And Terezi Correct  
GC1: M4RY4M SHUSH  
TG2: COMPUNITY SERVUCE!!!  
TA1: what  
TG2: *communinity serbice  
CA1: wwhat  
TG2: *community sercice  
TG2: nailed it  
GT: I believe Roxy means to suggest community service as a suitable punishment?  
TG2: whale, actual i am totes on bord with feffy’s plan two lets them of with a warping  
TG2: *warming  
GA1: While I Appreciate Your Sentiment Dear  
GA1: Your Typing Remains Atrocious  
TG2: i may or may not have aboap a dozen fleckin meowcats runnin aboup my pcc for attention  
TT1: You are not indulging the alcohol again I hope.  
TG2: rose you woond me  
TG2: i wouldn’t never  
TT1: A double negative implies you would.  
TT2: I can assure you, Roxy won’t fall back into her old habbits.  
GG2: We will vouch for that.  
TG2: inderdeed!  
CC1: sopor abuse is no joking matter!  
AT1: sO ITS COMMUNITY SERVICE THEN?  
AT1: i MEAN, tHAT SEEMS KIND OF LAME, bUT LIKE, iF IT WORKS,  
CC1: I am ocray with that  
CG1: WELL…… YEAH, I GUESS WE CAN MAKE THAT WORK.  
GA1: Oh No  
GA1: Whatever Shall I Do  
GA1: So Many Options  
GA1: Perhaps I Shall Lend Further Service To My Community By Continuing My Work In The Garden  
GA1: That Thing I Was Going To Continue Anyway  
GA1: But Now In A Community Service Like Manner  
CG1: ….. GODDAMNIT, FINE.  
CG1: KANAYA GETS OFF WITH A WARNING, TEREZI GOES TO HELP IN THE GARDEN.  
GC1: 1 R34LLY DON’T W4NT TO  
AC1: :33< it’s better than the option with the stocks  
CA1: if a lil less funnier  
GC1: B4H F1N3  
GC1: BUT 1 4M NOT PROM1S1NG 1 WONT L1CK TH3 PL4NTS  
EB: that’s kinda gross.  
GC1: YOU 4R3 K1ND4 GROSS >:]  
AG2: So are we discussing Makara now?  
CC2: we kinda have a few more harsh words to speak  
CC2: like to megido  
AA2: WHAT I DO?  
CC2: you know what you did  
CC2: you made me and the serkets waste hella time with that dumbass temple shit  
AA2: WHAT SO?  
AA2: YOU NO HAVE BAKA BOSS TO FIGHT  
AA2: THAT GOOD  
AG1: No, that was stupid as hell!!!!!!!!  
AG1: You could have at least toooooooold us what the heck you were doing, so we wouldn’t 8e w8sting our FUCKING TIME!  
EB: it can’t have been that bad.  
AG2: No, it was mostly just 8oring.  
CC2: right….. except for….  
CC2: err…….  
CG1: WHAT IS IT?  
AG2: NOTHING!  
AA2: WHAT THE EVER  
AA2: I KILL BOSS LIKE BOSS AND YOU CRY LIKE SMALL WRIGGLER  
AA2: SUCK MY NIPPLE FISH BITCH  
AG1: WE W8STED OUR ENTIRE DAY IN THAT DUM8 FUCKING TEMPLE!!!!!!!!  
AA2: YOU WANT SUCK MINE NIPPLE TO?  
AT2: ugh keep 1t 1n your pants for one conversat1on…  
AA2: HAH  
AA2: NOT LIE LOST BOY  
AA2: YOU WANT ME OUT OF SCHOOL GIRL UNIFORM  
AA2: DOKI DOKI  
CG2: That is an awfully presumpti9us statement Megid9. Especially c9nsidering Rufi9hs earlier menti9ned and very clear c9nditi9n 9f y9u first 96taining a m9irail.  
CG2: N9t that any 9f us are h9lding y9ur sh9rtc9mings regarding the pale quadrant, with the p9ssi6le excepti9n 9f Nitram himself. Naturally, I assume 6ut am n9t c9mpletely sure a69ut him having a pers9nal stake in this c9nundrum.  
CA2: wve get it vwantas  
GA2: We get it Kanny.  
CG2: I t9ld y9u n9t t9 call me that Maryam. I find it highly c9ndescending.  
TA2: W3 4LL C4LL YOU 7H47 83H1ND Y0UR 84CK 4NYW4Y!!!  
CA2: not gonna deny that  
CA2: wve totally do  
CG2: That is incredi6ly insulting and I am feeling severely triggered n9w that I am presented with this new inf9rmati9n!!  
GC2: y34h….  
GC2: not 3v3ryon3 r34lly c4r3s 4bout th4t br4h  
CG2: Why I had never expected such a call9us attitude fr9m y9u 9f all pe9ple Pyr9pe. T9 s9 6luntly ign9re 9ne’s feelings regarding a phrase referring t9 9ne’s identity is n9t 9nly extremely unnecessary 6ut als9 incredi6ly triggering f9r a pleth9ra 9f reas9ns. In fact, we c9uld sit here all day de6ating the ethics 9f 6est9wing an unwanted and frankly childish nickname 9n s9me9ne 9r we c9uld issue a simple ap9l9gy fr9m Maryam and Amp9ra. In all h9nesty, I am 9kay with either 9pti9n, since a g99d de6ate against a higher 6l99ded tr9ll such as y9urself w9uld 6e just the kind 9f mental stimulati9n I need after the dulldrum 9f staying 9n the mainland with the Capt9rs.  
EB: dude, what?  
TG1: yeah im not reading that crap  
TA2: SUGG35T10N!!!!  
CC2: what  
TA2: *K4NNY* 0NLY G37S 4N X-4M0UN7 0F W0RD5 7W0 54Y 3V3RY C0NVE3RS471ON FR0M N0W!!  
CC2: )(mmmmmmmmm  
CG2: 9nce m9re, Capt9r ir9nically sh9ws c9mplete disregard f9r the mental well6eing 9f the pe9ple he c9nverses with, preferring t9 use (nick)names the 9ther pers9n may find ann9ying at 6est and denigrating at w9rst.   
CG2: This can 6e used t9 unintenti9nally trigger a l9t 9f pe9ple. Particularly in c9nversati9ns 6etwist l9w-and-high6l99ds, inc9rrect naming is 9ften used t9 sh9w just h9w little either 9f the c9nversati9nalists mean t9 the 9ther, devalueing them as a pers9n. It is a 6latant sh9wing 9f unchecked privilege t9 ign9re such a stigma and indeed g9 f9r a h9rri6le nickname after the recipient has expressed his displeasure with it.   
CG1: ALRIGHT PLEASE JUST….. JUST SAVE IT FOR A LATER TIME ALRIGHT?!  
CG1: HOLY SHIT, I DON’T THINK MY THINKPAN CAN TAKE MUCH MORE OF THAT!  
CG2: I have 6een 9ffended and simply require an ap9l9gy fr9m Capt9r t9 mend 9ur mutual respect f9r 9ne an9ther.  
TA2: 357 4 BULG3.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ REMEMPURR WHAT I SAID KANKRI!!!!   
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SHORTER SENTENCES MAKE READING A LOT MORE FUN FUR EFURRYONE!!!  
GA2: I do+ubt he’ll listen to+ advice, well-intentio+ned tho+ugh it may be.  
GA2: He is very fo+nd o+f his o+wn vo+ice.  
CG2: y9u kn9w…..  
CA2: come on maryam  
CA2: least you can do is NOT egg him on then.  
CC2: CLAM WE RETURN TO T)(E POINT?!  
GT: I kinda lost track of what that point was?  
CC2: oh my glub  
AG2: We were talking a8out Megido’s disregard for our plans.  
AA2: MAO  
TA1: 2o what ii2 the biig deal here  
TA1: VK doe2nt get two kiill the bo22 and ii2 beiing hiilariiou2ly 2alty about iit??  
TT2: Nah, I think it’s that other thing.  
GT: Come again?  
AG1: There was another thing????????  
CG1: YES. THANK YOU DIRK FOR PAYING ATTENTION.  
TT2: Someone has to.  
CC1: we kinda went over this when we first got here and i know Damara got the messeage as whale  
CG1: SO SHE KNOWS WHERE THIS IS GOING, SO YOU DON’T NEED TO INTERRUPT ME!  
CC1: rude  
AA2: I AM THE CONFUSE  
CG1: WE VERY *FIRMLY* ESTABLISHED THAT NO ONE IS TO GO ON SELFLESSLY HEROIC SOLO ADVENTURES INTO THE LANDS BEYOND THE SAFE ZONE!!  
AA2: WHAT SAFE ZONE  
CG1: OH MY FUCK…..  
AG1: Forget that 8ullshit. We spent an entire afternoon in some dum8 dusty temple for wrigglers with NOTHING to show for it 8ecause Megido needed to 8e a fucking glory hog!!!!!!!!!  
TT1: I think you got that backwards.  
TT1: Were she selfishly hogging the glory she would have surely bragged about her accomplishments.  
TT1: Incidentally, taking down a boss like that by yourself can very well be considered bragworthy.   
AG1: L8LONDE NOT NOW!  
TA1: 2tiill 2ound2 two me liike 2he diid you a favor  
CC2: whale she didn’t  
CC2: she solo’d the whole fin by hershellf leavin us sittin around like chumps  
AT2: 1 don’t actually th1nk she d1d 1t to hog all the glory or some junk  
GG1: no?  
AT2: nah, because that would 1mply she actually thought about what she was do1ng  
AA2: WHY YOU  
AT2: come on  
AT2: you probably got so darn h1gh you thought 1t would have been h1lar1ous to see 1f you could beat the boss  
AA2: UGH WORST BOY  
GC2: so l1k3…. Wh4t 4r3 w3 go1ng to do 4bout 1t?  
CA2: about wvhat?  
GC2: 1 m34n, 1f th31r m4ry4m 4nd pyrop3 got pun1shm3nt for bluntly d1sr3g4rd1ng th3 rul3s shouldn’t w3 try 4nd f1gur3 out wh4t to do w1th d4mz?  
GC2: l1k3, 1m 4ll for d1sob3y1ng th3 m4n 4nd sh1t but turn4bout 1s f41r pl4y you d1g?  
AA2: BUT IT NO PROBLEM AT ALL  
AA2: FISH BITCH IS CRYING SALTY TEARS OF FAIL  
AG2: Well, it is a safety concern to leave the safe zones on your own……..  
AG2: What would have happened if you encountered the Makaras while all 8y yourself?  
AA2: WE GET HIGH  
AA2: WE FUCK  
AA2: I KILL THEM  
AT2: 1n that order?  
AA2: MAYBE YES  
AA2: BITE ME  
CA2: wvell this convwersation is goin nowvhere fast  
GA2: Yo+u aren’t helping.  
CG2: P9rrim please cease trying t9 assert s9me kind 9f perverse auth9rity 9ver Cr9nus.  
CA2: yeah!  
GA2: Kanny, please cease trying to+ co+me to+ Cro+nus’s defense every time he says so+mething stupid.  
TA2: GUY5 C0M3 0N, FOCU5!  
EB: im not even going to pretend to know what we are talking about at this point.  
GC1: OF COURS3 YOU DON’T  
AT1: oF COURSE YOU DON’T  
AT1: aAAAW MAN, bEATEN TO IT,  
AC1: :33< is that a thing that is happening guys?  
EB: what is happening?  
GG1: exactly :B  
AG1: May8e 8ack off of John and focus on what’s really important right now!  
AT1: tHAT’S RICH,  
EB: i agree with the backing of part.  
EB: especially tavros.  
EB: that stuff you pulled was not cool.  
AT1: oH YOU COULD TAKE IT,  
GG1: wait, what did tavros do?  
CT1: D--> I w001d advice against disclosing this information  
CT1: D--> Though Nitram’s behavior has been una%eptable and in dire need of……  
CT1: D--> Discipline  
CT1: D--> The risk of e100ngating these insignificant accusations and staving of the debate around Makara pains me more than the mudblood’s lack of punishment ever c001d  
CA1: seriously wwe are gonna be here all day aren’t wwe  
EB: yeah, see….  
EB: that’s pretty cool and all equius but the whole thing where you call him a mudblood?  
AT1: uGH, dON’T EVEN GET THAT ASHEN BALONEY IN HERE eQUIUS, nO ONE UHM, iN THEIR RIGHT MINDS, wOULD WANT YOU FOR AN AUSPISTICE  
EB: is that what this is about?  
AT1: oH MY GOD,  
CG1: OH MY GOD.  
GT: Come on guys, don’t fight.  
GT: John, Taverino, we should be buddies.  
AT1: UHM, uNLIKELY,  
AG1: THE ISSUE!  
AG1: LETS F8CUS!  
GC1: 1 WOULD  
GC1: 1 JUST DON’T TH1NK WH4T W3 4R3 D1SCUSS1NG R1GHT NOW 1S V3RY 1MPORT4NT  
CC2: FIN CLOSIN T)(IS DEBARNACLE!  
CC2: W)(at are we gonna do aboat megido ackin up?  
AA2: WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THAT  
GG1: more people doing community service  
AA2: I SERVE COMMUNITY YES  
AA2: USE MOUTH AND FEET AND HAND  
GG1: uhm….  
AA2: MAYBE MORE  
GG2: Oh dear….  
AA2: WEAR MAID OR SCHOOLGIRL OUTFIT  
AA2: CUTE YES  
GG1: uuuuuhm….. @_@  
AT2: knock 1t off damara  
AA2: MAKE ME  
GA2: We can let her o+ff with a warning?  
AA2: YES!  
AA2: YOU DO THAT THING THAT I LIKE!  
CC2: I dunno if i agreef with that one  
CC2: I reelly kinda wanna stick it to her you know  
AG2: Like any impartial leader would……..  
CC2: whale im not impartial  
CC2: sue me  
GA2: Alternatively, we co+uld always use mo+re hands to+ help us expand the garden.  
AT2: errrr…  
AT2: 1 th1nk 1ts completely bangarang that you are so 1nvolved w1th that garden project and all doll… but l1ke… don’t you th1nk the l1kes of damara m1ght actually be more a danger to that th1ng?  
TA2: 5H3 M4K35 7H3 PL4C3 G0 B00M L1K3 FUCK!  
AT2: yeah… that…  
AA2: DAMARA GOOD SWEET GIRL  
AA2: JUST CAUSE RUFIOH NOT DESERVES ME GOOD AND SWEET ON HIM  
CA2: like hell you are  
TT1: Truth be told, during our visits to the bubbles, we never saw any evidence of this more volatile side of Damara.  
TG1: yeah  
TG1: she has actually been totally chill  
TG1: you know  
TG1: for being an undead troll-japanese chick that gets stoned every now and then  
AA2: I STONE RIGHT NOW  
GA2: O+f co+urse yo+u are…  
GC2: so wh4ts th3 d34l1o?  
CC2: just let her off with a glubbin warning then and lets move on  
CA1: that seems wway to nice  
CC2: whale duh but its not like we got a whale lotta options cronus jr  
CA1: not dignifyin that name wwith a response  
CC2: good then you can clam up  
CC2: point is i wouldn’t trust megido near maryams lame-ass garden  
CC2: i wouldn’t trust her with scoutin the lands of our dancestors  
CC2: i wouldn’t trust her on makara watch  
CC2: conchestly, there isn’t a whale lot i trust megido with  
CC2: so yeah beach is a pain in the fin  
CC2: but no one got hurt so whatevs  
AA2: I TRY HARDER THEN  
GC1: NOW C4N W3 F1N4LLY D1SCUSS TH3 GR34T GR3Y TRUNKB34ST 1N TH3 BLOCK?!  
CG1: WE WILL GET RIGHT DOWN TO THAT.  
GA1: At Last  
CG1: AFTER DISCUSSING WHAT I HOPE WAS THE *LAST* THING THAT WENT WRONG ON THE ISLAND.  
GA1: Sigh  
CG1: AND AFTER HEARING THAT NITRAM PULLED SOME SORTA STUNT AS WELL, I AM NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED WE SHOULDN’T BE DEBATING THAT AFTERWARDS!  
TT2: Read the mood man.  
CC1: we are ready to debait the big fishue already  
CG1: FISH-WHAT?!  
TG2: fishue  
CG1: YEAH, I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID!  
CG1: BY GOD, ARE YOU EVEN READING YOUR OWN DUMB PUNS ANYMORE?  
CC2: mako it up through the context bay  
CC2: also  
CC2: respect the fish puns 38)  
CG1: MEENAH, I LOVE YOU BUT THIS IS THE ONE THING WE WILL NEVER AGREE ON.  
TA2: G37 4 ROOM!!!  
TA2: 0R FUCK PU8 UP 4 SH0W!!!!  
TA1: dude  
TA2: 4R3N7 W3 4LL 7H1NK1N 7H57?!  
AA1: maybe a little  
CC1: so the last perchon we shored talk aboat before dealing with gamsea  
CC1: jade…. Im saury BUT…….  
CC1: dramatic pause  
CC1: W)(Y DID YOU TRY TO BLOWFIS)( UP YOUR ISLAND?  
CA1: yeah harley  
CA1: wwhy did you  
GG2: Stretching the puns there Feferi.  
CC1: more like not stretching them enough!  
CG1: HOW THE HECK DID YOU KNOW I WAS GOING TO CALL HER OUT ON THAT?!  
TG1: bro  
TG1: the heavens parted and a choir of angels descended down to tell us in the form of the illest rap I heard all day  
CA1: fuckin angels  
TG1: it had been prophesized for millennia that you would call harley out on this particular subject  
CG1: I GET IT.  
TG1: the stars align once every 2 quadrilion years  
TA1: that number 2ound2 made up  
TG1: and they read  
TG1: karkat is gonna call out jade  
TG1: which is a horribly inefficient manner to create a prophecy cause the last time that happened every fucker on the planet was illiterate   
CG1: I *GET* IT!!!  
TG1: just saying dude  
TG1: keep your chill on  
AA2: YES  
AA2: THE CHILL IS GOOD  
AT2: you would say that…  
AA2: YOU HAVE NO CHILL!!  
CA2: can you twvo get a room already?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU SHOULD!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU SHOOOOULLLLLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
EB: not to get back on track or anything but……..  
EB: actually no, that’s exactly what we should do.  
GG1: joooooooohn nooooooooooooo  
AG1: John yes!  
AG1: Seeeeeeeeriously Harley, what is your deal?!  
AG1: Normally I’d proooooooo8a8ly 8e impressed 8y so much destruction 8ut you nearly 8lew us to smithereens!!!!!!!!  
CC2: seariously  
CC2: that was forked up  
AG2: Indeed. Had it not 8een for Rose’s tactful intervention, we could have very well 8een vaporized.  
GG1: :(  
AG1: Let’s not give Lalonde credit on that…….. Her head is 8ig enough as it is.  
TA1: ju2t for the legume gallery  
TA1: VK ju2t agreed wiith KK for the second tiime twoday  
TA1: thii2 ii2 the riight tiime to check iif the 2ky ii2 falliing  
CG1: GET LOST CAPTOR!  
CG2: please refrain fr9m trying t9 exclude pe9ple fr9m the c9nversati9n. it is incredi6ly rude.  
CC2: noted an ignored  
CA1: so harley  
CA1: wwhat the hell wwas up wwith that proton canon  
GG1: it was experimental :B  
TG2: heck ye  
TG2: crazy scientist ladies ftw  
AG2: She could have killed us.  
GG1: but you weren’t  
GG1: besides eridan was cheating  
GG1: who even uses aim-assist during a sniping contest?  
GG1: i am sorry for scaring you with the explosion, i really am  
GG1: it was an untested weapon and i probably should have used something a little less explosive  
GG1: but no one got hurt and a lot of monsters got killed  
GG1: more than eridan killed :B  
CA1: THAT HAS NEVVER BEEN PROVVEN  
GG1: and aside from that little scare, no one died so nothing bad came from it  
CA2: you blewv up a huge chunk of the island  
CA2: i kinda think that counts for somethin bad  
AT2: yeah… 1ts not look1ng that swell jade.  
GG1: well………………..  
GG1: its still MY island :)  
GG1: well, mine and jake’s  
GG1: so really, if anyone gets to be mad it’s him  
CG1: DON’T TRY TO SHOVE MY RAGE UNDER THE PROVERBIAL RUG HARLEY!  
TG1: she got a point doesn’t she  
CG1: IT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT!  
CC1: she still kinda endangered everyone  
AT2: and uhm… 1’ll make sure to talk to her extens1vely about the r1sks of mad sc1enc1ng  
AT2: would that be acceptable?  
GA1: Plus  
GA1: Her Botanical Expertise Has Proved Invalueble In Creating Our Garden  
GA1: So A Community Service Type Of Punishment Seems Unnecessary  
GG1: besides, i actually like working there?  
CG1: FINE. HARLEY *DOESN’T* GET TO WORK IN THE GARDEN FOR TWO WEEKS!  
CC1: that’s ---E---ELLY childish  
GG1: that’s so unfair!  
AT2: yeah…  
AT2: you d1dn’t g1ve anyone else a part1cular form of pun1shment so what g1ves?  
CC2: whale yeah  
CC2: i mean we don’t have anyfin to stick on megido  
AT2: you could conf1scate her sopor1f1cs  
CC2: yeah  
CC2: and who’s gonna do that?  
AT2: err…  
CC2: i aint glubbin touchin that timebomb  
GG1: but i get punished when you let everyone else off with a warning!  
GG1: that is so unfair :(  
GG1: the most unfair even!  
CG1: WE NEED TO SET AN EXAMPLE!  
CC1: R---EELLY?  
CC1: that’s the worst reason to punfish anemone that i ever heard  
CC1: forget what he said jade  
CC1: either everyone gets punfished or no one  
CG1: OH SURE!  
CG1: LET’S ABANDON ALL PRETENSE AND JUST FORGET THE RULES WE INSTALLED FOR *EVERYONE’S* SAFETY, BECAUSE WHO CARES IF HARLEY BLOWS UP OUR SAFE ZONES?!  
CG1: OR WHEN MEGIDO FOOLISHLY ENDANGERS HERSELF BY GOING ON A SOLO-ADVENTURE WITHOUT INFORMING ANYONE!  
CG1: OR WHEN MARYAM AND PYROPE SABOTAGE A DANGEROUS MISSION FOR THEIR OWN AMUSEMENT!   
CC1: yes, lets abandon that pretense and move on  
TT2: It wasn’t that dangerous a mission to be fair.  
AG2: I don’t think that is of relevance.  
GC2: so d1d 3v3ryon3 g3t th31r gr13v4nc3s out of th3 w4y now?  
GA1: I Certainly Hope So  
GA1: There Is Enough To Discuss Regarding Our Prisoner  
GG2: You mean our guest.  
GA1: I Know What I Said  
AC1: :33< how is he holding up?  
AA1: oh he is fine  
AA1: incredibly docile  
GG2: He is actually humming a song now.  
GG2: No nefarious activities whatsoever.  
AA1: you appear to have a calming effect on him jane  
GG2: Haha, well… You know, he’s a good friend.  
CG1: DO NOT TRUST HIS FAÇADE.  
CG1: HE IS ONLY WAITING FOR AN OPENING TO CAUSE MORE MAYHEM.  
GG2: I don’t think he will.  
GG2: He seems genuinely remorseful about his past transgressions.  
GT: Ah, so perhaps we ought to let him off with a warning as well?  
AC1: :33< NO WAY!  
AC1: :33< we are NOT letting that cr33p back into the group  
GT: We aren’t?  
GA1: No  
GA1: The Real Question Is How To Dispose Of Him  
GA1: He Is Frustratingly Durable  
GG2: Woah, hold your horses.  
GG2: We aren’t seriously killing Gamzee are we?  
TG2: right?  
TG2: step of our clown man  
TG2: i mean shure, he was a lil creepy but that aint no crime  
GT: I am not aware of the full extent of his creems, but this seems like a too drastic a measure in my humble opinion.  
GT: Whatever he did, killing him is awfully….. well…..  
GT: Definitive.  
TT2: Personally, I ám aware of the extent of his crimes. I am just that much of a sicknasty information ninja, totally being in the know of everything going on at all times.  
TT2: Despite that, I still recommend against the current course of action.  
TT2: He can still serve a purpose.  
AC1: :33< oh im sure  
AC1: :33< he could defurnitely still serve a pawpose  
AC1: :33< but i don’t think a trophy of his size would look good in my purrent hive!!!  
GC1: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
TA1: and ju2t liike that we have a 2tand off  
TA2: 4 V3RY 80R1NG 574ND 0FF  
CG1: THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE!  
CG1: THE MAKARAS ARE DANGEROUS AND WE SHOULD RID OURSELVES OF THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!  
CG1: ONCE THEY ARE GONE AND THE LANDS ARE CONQUERED WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN BUILDING OUR LIVES ON THIS STRANGE, MISERABLE SPACE ROCK.  
CC1: sea, i don’t fully agree with you  
CG1: OH MY GOD, DO YOU EVER?!  
CG1: SERIOUSLY PEIXES, WHAT THE HELL!? SERKET HAS BEEN MORE AGREEABLE THAN YOU!  
CC1: W)(ALE SAURY IF I DON’T WANT TO BLINDLY FOLLOW YOUR EVERY D---ECR----EE  
CC1: but i think we are perchfectly capable of having a debait about what to do with gamsea  
CG1: WHY IS EVERYONE SO HOT ON ENDANGERING THE GROUP THESE DAYS?!  
CG1: HAVE YOU SOMEHOW FORGOTTEN WHAT HE HAS DONE?!  
CC1: the humans are right!  
CC1: gamsea might still surf a porpoise  
TG2: dirk  
TG2: draw gammzee surfing on a porpoise  
TG2: do it  
TT2: Not the time Roxy.  
CC1: there are only 24 of us left and krilling two of them without so much as a trial would be a horribubble thing to do!  
AC1: :33< no, fuck, it would be the smart, most repawnsible thing to do!!!  
CT1: D--> Nepeta  
AC1: :33< don’t even start about the language equius!  
CT1: D--> No  
CT1: D--> I agree with your sentiment  
CT1: D--> But you are going against the heiress  
CT1: D--> Please show some respect  
AC1: :33< I WILL GO AGAINST ANYONE WHO WANTS TO K33P GAMZ33 ALIVE AFTER WHAT HE DID!!!  
GC2: so th1s 1s go1ng to b3 4 tr14l-l1k3 h4pp3n1ng?  
GG1: apparently  
GG1: im not sure i understand what the big deal is :/  
TG1: oh yeah  
TG1: you were stuck on that ship for like a hundred years  
TG1: didn’t exactly get time to catch up either  
GC1: TH3N L3T US B3G1N OUR TR14L  
GC1: 1 H4V3 PR3P4R3D 4N OP3N1NG ST4T3M3NT  
GC1: DO3S H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY 4PPROV3?  
GA2: I am co+nfused  
GA2: Who+ plays his ho+no+rable tyranny in this scenario+?  
GC1: SOM3ON3 WHO 1SN’T 4S B14S3D 4S M3, K4N4Y4, K4RK4T OR N3P3T4  
GC1: THOUGH 1 WOULDN’T OPPOS3 1T 1F TH3Y W3R3 >:]  
CG1: SCREW THAT, I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING THE ROLE OF GRAND JUDGE FOR THIS TRIAL!!!  
GG2: Not if we want the proceedings to be fair, buster.  
GA1: I Think Everyone Will Turn Out To Be Biased To Some Extent  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ OH DEFURNITELY!!!  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULDN’T HAVE A TRIAL!!!!  
TA2: WH47S 7H3 P01N7 W17TH0U7 JUDG3?!?!?!  
TA1: what2 the poiint wiithout proper judge  
AC1: :33< good luck finding one  
AG2: If I might 8e so 8old……..  
AG2: I have no strong feelings either way a8out your Makara.  
AG2: While I am not entirely familiar with the preceedings within your justice system, I feel like I might 8e the appropri8 candid8.  
AG2: I can listen and judge arguments from 8oth sides and form a non-8iased opinion on what the other Makara’s f8 should 8e.  
CG1: IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?  
CG1: *ANYONE* ELSE?!  
CT1: D--> There is a significant lack of impartial judges I fear  
CA2: wvell there are enough somewvhat impartial fellowvs on the alpha side  
AT1: sO WHY AREN’T YOU OFFERING TO JUDGE?  
CA2: because this is your makara  
CA2: not ours  
TA2: 8451C4LL7, M057 0F U5 D0NT R34LLY G1V3 4 5H17  
AT1: tHAT’S HELPFUL,  
GC2: s4d but tru3  
AG2: Well, except me o8viously. Or rather, I channel the fact that I do not particularly care a8out his ultim8 fate, to provide you with the now essential service of an un8iased judge.  
GC1: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  
GC1: 1TS K1ND OF UNORTHODOX TO H4V3 4N UNB14S3D JUDG3 RUN TH3 COURT  
GC1: 1 4M NOT SUR3 1F W3 3V3N W4NT TH4T  
GG2: We definitely DO want that Aranea.  
GG2: We appreciate your willingness to take the position.  
CC2: you shore aint wastin no time to suck up to her  
GC1: 4 CL3V3R 4ND V4L1D T4CT1C  
AG1: Alright then…….. Accusing party, please. Your opening st8ment.  
GC1: TH4NK YOU, YOUR HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY  
GC1: L4D13S, HUM4NS 4ND G3NTL3TROLLS W3 H4V3 G4TH3R3D H3R3 NOT TO S3TTL3 P3RSON4L GRUDG3S  
AC1: :33< speak fur yourself  
CT1: D--> Nepeta  
AC1: :33< ill be quiet…  
GC1: W3 H4V3 COM3 H3R3 FOR JUST1C3!  
GC1: G4MZ33 M4K4R4 MURD3R3D N3P3T4 L31JON 4ND 3QU1US Z4HH4K 1N COLD BLOOD  
GC1: TH3S3 F4CTS H4V3 B33N CONF1RM3D BY TH3 V1CT1MS TH3MS3LV3S 4ND TH3 NOW UN4CC3SS1BL3 CR1M3 SC3N3  
EB: how often can victims testify about their own murder?  
TT1: I think we have abandoned reason a long time ago.  
GC1: H3 D3S3CR4T3D TH3 CORPS3S OF OUR D3C34S3D 4ND POSS1BLY M4D3 OUT W1TH TH3M  
AT1: wHICH UHM, iS KIND OF WEIRD,  
CA1: yuck  
GC1: 4ND TO 4DD TO H1S LONG L1ST OF CR1M3S, H3 S4BOT4G3D OUR B3LOV3D L34D3R W1TH 4 DYSFUNCT1ON4L P4L3 R3L4T1ONSH1P 4ND TURN3D 4G41NST US ONC3 MOR3 DUR1NG TH3 CRUC14L F1GHT 4G41NST LORD 3NGLISH, THUS R3V34L1NG H1S TRU3 N4TUR3 4S 4 SL33P3R 4G3NT  
CG1: DONT PAINT ME AS SOME SORT OF WEAK HEARTED PALE FLOOZY!  
GC1: YOU K1ND OF W3R3  
CG1: FINE, WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN FAILED BLACKROM WITH THAT ASSHOLE?! BECAUSE YOU CONVENIENTLY FAILED TO ADDRESS THAT!  
GC1: MOV1NG ON!  
GA1: Finally  
GA1: He Wore An Unlicensed Codpiece While Pretending To Be Godtier  
AG1: That’s not a thing……..  
GG2: Objection your honor. I fail to see how this is a felony.  
GA1: It Should Be  
GC1: 1 ONLY 4DD3D 1T TO TH3 L1ST FOR COMPL3T1ON’S S4K3  
GC1: 4FT3R 4LL, 3V3RYON3 SHOULD B3 W3LL 4W4R3 OF WH4T CR1M3S TH1S M4N 1S C4P4BL3 OF  
GC1: WH3TH3R 4G41NST H1S F3LLOW TROLLS OR F4SH1ON  
GA1: Are You Enjoying Yourself Terezi  
GC1: OH M4L1C1OUSLY SO >:]  
AA1: not to add more fuel to the fire but do crimes across other timelines count  
AC1: :33< yes  
GC1: TH4T WONT B3 N3C3SS4RY  
GC1: 1 TH1NK W3 H4V3 4LL TH3 M4T3R14L W3 N33D H3R3 TO R34CH 4 F4VOR4BL3 OUTCOM3  
GC1: WH1CH 1S TO S4Y  
GC1: F4VOR4BL3 FOR TH3 PROS3CUT1ON  
GC1: B3S1D3S TH1S V3RS1ON OF G4MZ33 C4N NOT B3 H3LD 4CCOUNT4BL3 FOR 4LL TH3 CR1M3S OF H1S OTH3R S3LV3S  
GC1: JUST FOR MOST OF TH3M  
AG2: It certainly is quite the notorious record he has 8uilt.  
GT: He is also responsible for the creation of our sprites and the sorta resurrection of his teammates?  
GT: Is that a thing we can use in favor of our purple-clad guide?  
GT: I mean by jove, that has to count for something.  
AT1: pERMISSION TO SPEAK FOR THE DEFENSE?  
AG2: Denied.  
GC2: YOUR MOVE CROCKER  
GG2: Uhm…… Ah, I know.  
GG2: The defense calls the witness Tavros Nitram to the stand.  
AG2: I’ll allow it.  
GC1: 4N 3Y3 FOR TH3 PROC3DUR3S 1 S33  
AG2: Naturally.  
AT1: tHANK YOU jANE,  
AT1: sO YEAH UHM, i WAS THINKING,  
AT1: wE ARE KINDA HOLDING ALL OF THESE THINGS AGAINST gAMZEE AND UHM, yEAH, tHEY WERE ALL PRETTY BAD,  
AT1: bUT DON’T WE HAVE A FEW VERY BAD PEOPLE IN OUR TEAM, wHO WE DID FORGIVE?  
AT1: lIKE, i AM NOT DEFENDING gAMZEE FOR HIS ACTIONS, bECAUSE THEY WERE PRETTY BAD, aND ALSO KINDA DISGUSTING,  
AT1: jUST POINT1NG OUT THAT WE STILL LET vRISKA AND eRIDAN AND aRANEA AND kANAYA BACK, DESPITE MURDERING AT LEAST ONE PERSON EACH,  
AG2: Err…….. I would prefer not de88ing that again……..  
CC2: why naut, you were pretty metal?  
AG2: I was convinced it was the correct way to save and take control of the timeline and I was grieviously mistaken.  
AG2: I am not sure if I can ever make up completely for the events that I had set into motion.  
CC2: fork em if they don’t  
AG1: And I killed you in self-defense Nitram. Remem8er that????????  
AG1: YOU attacked ME, not the other way around.  
AG1: I can’t help it that you were pathetic in a fight.  
CA1: wwell wwell wwell look at that  
CA1: wwe are all horrible people  
CA1: aren’t wwe maryam  
GA1: My Behavior Need Not Be Justified  
GA1: I Killed Eridan Because He Had Become A Danger For Everyone Around Him  
GA1: Also  
GA1: He Killed Me First  
GA1: I Think That Makes Us Karmatically Even  
CA1: that’s fair  
CA1: i wwas in a vvery bad place at the time and i tried vvery hard to redeem myself to evveryone in the bubbles  
GG2: How did that go?  
TA1: mii2erable  
CC1: we are still kinda working on it  
TA1: ii mean can you even cure beiing a douche?  
CC1: he is mako’ing progress?  
CA1: the important part is that wwhen push came to shovve i wwas aimin for the right target  
CA1: not attackin our owwn fuckin party like some indigo-blooded hooligans i could makara- i mean mention  
TG1: clown codpiece  
TG1: in my face  
TG1: i have never been so scared  
GC1: SO TH3R3 YOU H4V3 1T CROCK3R  
GC1: 3V3N OUR WORST MURD3R3RS 4ND/OR S4BOT3URS H4V3 4T L34ST JO1N3D TH3 F1GHT 4G41NST LORD 3NGL1SH WH3N 1T W4S T1M3 TO UN1T3 OUR FORC3S  
GC1: G4MZ33 H4S NOT  
GC1: 3RGO H3 1S GU1LTY OF CONSP1R1NG 4G41NST NOT ONLY US BUT TH3 3NT1R3TY OF 3X1ST3NC3!  
GG2: Gamzee clearly expresses that he never wanted for any of those things to happen.  
GG2: In fact, he seems incredibly remorseful for having the events transpire the way they did.  
GG2: I call for the witness Aradia Megido to testify on his current character.  
AA1: me?  
AC1: :33< another witness?  
AG2: Pyrope?  
GC1: 1 4M OK4Y W1TH 1T  
AC1: :33< terezi?!  
GC1: J4N3 1S 4T 4 D1S4DV4NT4G3 H3R3  
GC1: WH3R3 1S TH3 DR4M4 1F TH3 3NT1R3 TR14L 1S 4 CURBSTOMP?  
AC1: :33< this isn’t about whether or not there’s enough drama!!!  
GG2: Thank you Terezi. I appreciate it.  
GG2: Aradia, what do you think of Gamzee’s current behavior?  
AA1: currently  
AA1: he seems docile  
AA1: as i stated before you seem to have a calming effect on him  
AT1: aGAIN, wHEN DID THESE TWO BECOME FRIENDS?  
TA1: ii don’t fuckiing know  
TA1: tiime 2henaniigan2 are weiird  
GG2: What do you think the odds are of him murdering again?  
AA1: i cannot say  
AC1: :33< hah!  
GG2: Aradia!  
AA1: wait am i not under oath  
AG2: We would appreci8 it if you speak the truth.  
GC1: 1 M34N YOU 4R3N’T OBL1G3D TOO  
GC1: BUT 1’LL SM3LL 1T >:]  
AA1: in that case i stand by my answer  
AA1: he seems very docile right now but he is notoriously capricious  
GG2: That doesn’t really help his case….  
AA1: it does not  
AA1: perhaps he could be trusted if he found himself a compatible moirail but until then he remains an unknown factor  
CG1: NOT LIKE HAVING A MOIRAIL MAKES HIM ANY MORE TRUSTWORTHY.  
CG1: LORD *KNOWS* WE’VE ALREADY PUT THAT HYPOTHESIS TO REST.  
CC1: that’s why she said a conchpatible moirail dummy  
AC1: :33< i can’t imagine why anyone would want be pale fur him  
AG2: 8ut we have no guarantee that Gamzee won’t have another killing spree?  
AA1: im saying that it is impossible to tell right now  
GG2: I call my next witness!  
GG2: Time for the next witness!  
GG2: Aradia, thanks for your time.  
AA1: hah  
AG2: Another one?  
AG2: Just how many witnesses do you have on stand8y?  
GG2: As many as it takes.  
GA1: It Seems Like A Futile Effort  
GC1: M4YB3 1F YOU PL34D GU1LTY W3 C4N G1V3 H1M 4 SW1FT D34TH?  
AC1: :33< or maybe not  
CT1: D--> Nepeta  
CT1: D--> Do you require my soothing presence?  
AC1: :33< im fine equius  
GG2: I call Roxy Lalonde as my next witness?  
TG2: me?  
GG2: Yes.  
TG2: vvery well.  
TG2: the gorgemous miss lalonde walks to te stand and winks at the judge  
AG2: Uhm........ The judge winks 8ack?  
TG2: is it hot here or is it jupst u?  
AG2: Errr…….. ::::I  
TT1: Roxy, you are not helping.  
TT1: You might just be doing the opposite of helping.  
TG2: welp i aint sure what to testipy abot.  
TG2: not sur how much help i can bee outsid a seduping the hjudge  
GG2: Rolal, please take this seriously.   
GG2: This is serious business. Put on your serious face.  
TG2: oh shit  
TG2: ok, cool  
GG2: Instead of badgering the judge, please tell us about Gamzee’s behavior during our game.  
TG2: right so uhm…  
TG2: guy was standing around, appearing at random spots to offer moral support.  
TG2: acting like a real stand up guy, you know? telling us stuff like: ‘you can motherfucking do it, sis’.  
TG2: actually told us a few things about the game and junk.  
TT2: He kinda filled the position of a sprite.  
TG2: right  
TG2: he also told funny as heck jokes and defeated enemies when they were nearby  
TG2: mostly he would just give them pie to pacify them tho.  
AT1: oH YEAH,  
AT1: hE DID THAT DURING THE GAME AS WELL,  
CC1: R---EELLY?  
AT1: yEAH, HE GOT A BIT OF A SOPOR SHORTAGE DURING THE GAME,  
CA1: so that’s wwhy he flipped?  
AT1: i’M NOT SURE?  
AT1: hE WAS WITHOUT SOPOR PRETTY OFTEN DURING THE GAME BUT HE DIDN’T GET MUCH SLEEP EITHER, sO LIKE, wHO KNOWS,  
GA1: What Else Has He Done During Your Session  
TG2: homeboy was trying to sell us these weird multi-colored potions?  
GC2: wh4t k1nd4 pot1ons w3 t4lk1ng?  
TG2: luck potion, life potion, pretty sure there was something about kissing involved as well…  
TG2: think jane bought a few?  
GG2: No I didn’t!  
GC1: 4 SOUR L13!  
GG2: He forced them onto me, that doesn’t count as a legitimate purchase!  
GA1: Hah  
AC1: :33< did these potions purrhaps have a bloodlike texture?  
TG2: yeah…  
TG2: we kinda figured it was that.  
TG2: we weren’t about to drink anything that smelled like that.  
GT: We did?  
TG2: get with the program english.  
GA1: So One Of The Accusations Should Be Amended  
GA1: He Did Not Only Desecrate The Bodies  
GA1: He Attempted To Sell Them On A Black Market  
CG1: THAT’S SICK.  
TT2: That is filthy misdirection Maryam. Technically every transaction is black market right now.  
GA1: My Point Stands  
AG2: So while we can add a few positive activities to his record, we are not sure a8out the intent 8ehind these actions nor do they take away from his considera8le list of transgressions.  
AG2: I have not yet seen a reason to pardon him from the crimes he commited.  
AC1: :33< yes!  
AC1: :33< now how to dispawse of him  
AC1: :33< we have s33n just how much he can take during that final fight but im pretty sure even he will have a hard time walking away after being decatpitated  
GA1: Consider It My Pleasure  
GG2: Woah, woah, woah, don’t be so hasty please.  
GG2: I have one more witness to call to the stand.  
AG2: I don’t know Jane.  
AG2: I agree with the sentiment of carefully examining the situation and leaving nary a stone unturned 8ut we have 8een talking in circles for quite a 8it now.  
AG2: We have heard a trio of witnesses to no avail.  
AG2: We lack the su8stantial evidence one would need to acquit Gamzee.  
GC1: DON’T T4K3 1T P3RSON4LLY CROCK3R  
GC1: YOU PUT UP 4 V3RY FUN STRUGGL3 BUT P1CK3D 4 V3RY UNFORTUN4T3 D3F3ND4NT  
GG2: Aranea, I promise that the next witness might change the entire course of the trial.  
GG2: It will, without a doubt, establish whether or not he should be judged guilty or innocent.  
GC1: 1 TH1NK W3 H4V3 H34RD 3NOUGH NOW  
AG2: I will allow it.  
GC1: HMMM  
GC1: DON’T YOU TH1NK W3 H4V3 G1V3N H3R 3NOUGH FR33B13S BY NOW?  
AG2: The trial is very much reaching its end, regardless of whether we hear this witness or not.  
AG2: I feel it would 8e a shame and an anti-climax to deny Jane her final play.  
AC1: :33< i object!  
AC1: :33< this judge is clearly biased!  
AG2: Overruled.  
AG2: Also, I’m not.  
AG2: Please call your witness Jane.  
GG2: Alright…. Just a moment.  
\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] is now idle--  
\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] is no longer idle--  
\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] invited terminallyCapricious [TC] to memo--

CG1: OH NO!!  
CG1: SERKET, I DON’T JUST OBJECT TO THIS WITNESS, I FLAT-OUT VETO IT!!  
CG1: CAN SOMEONE TAKE CONTROL OF THE MEMO AND KICK HIM OUT?!  
AA1: he is still very much restrained and in captivity  
AA1: currently he doesn’t pose a threat to anyone  
AA1: the situation is still completely safe  
AA2: AND BORE  
AA1: well yeah  
AA1: a little  
AC1: :33< jane what the hell!?  
GG2: Look, I don’t know a whole lot about the horrible hubbub that transpired on your voyage but we haven’t even heard from the culprit himself.  
GG2: Do you not think we could gain valuable insights from his perspective on the matter?  
GC1: TH1S 1S 4 V3RY UNORTHODOX 4PPRO4CH CROCK3R  
GC1: 1 4M NOT SUR3 1F 1 L1K3 1T >:/  
TC: so like, i gotta speak now sis?  
GG2: Me and Terezi will be asking you a few questions.  
GG2: Is that alright with you?  
TC: MOTHERFUCK YEAH SIS!  
GG2: Language.  
TC: oh fuck… sorry.  
AC1: :33< how dare you show your face here again!!!  
TC: HAHAHAHA, HEY, DON’T LOOK AT ME CATSIS.  
TC: i was asked to be here.  
TC: HOW ABOUT YOU?!?!  
CT1: D--> Makara  
CT1: D--> No matter what the outcome of this trial may be  
CT1: D--> I can not guarantee your safety once this is over  
TC: we’ll motherfucking see about that bro.  
GC1: MR M4K4R4….  
TC: DRAGONSIS!  
GC1: 1 W4NT TO R3M1ND YOU TH4T 4S OF R1GHT NOW, YOU ST4ND B3FOR3 4 COURT OF L4W  
GC1: YOU W1LL SHOW DU3 R3SP3CT  
TC: don’t look at me.  
TC: THEY FUCKING STARTED IT.  
GC1: D1D YOU K1LL N3P3T4 L31JON 4ND 3QU1US Z4HH4K?  
TC: yes.  
GG2: But do you have remorse for your actions?  
TC: FUCK YEAH SIS!  
GG2: Again, language, if you please.  
TC: err…. darn? yeah, sis?  
GG2: Could you elaborate?  
TC: FU  
TC: heck yes i can.  
TC: BECAUSE THESE WERE MY MOTHERFUCKING BUDDIES!!!  
GG2: That lasted all of one sentence….  
TC: i outrank them.  
TC: I HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT!!!  
TC: but i never wanted to kill them.  
TC: THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED TO DO!!!  
AC1: :33< how dare you!!!  
AC1: :33< how can you even say that!!!???  
TC: BY MOVING MY MOUTH AND SPEAKING THE FUCKING WORDS!!!  
AC1: :33< hiss!!!  
GC1: N3XT QU3ST1ON  
TC: shit sis, hit me.  
GC1: 1 W1SH 1 COULD  
GC1: HOW DO YOU JUST1FY S3LL1NG TH3 BLOOD OF OUR TH3N-D34D FR13NDS TO TH3 HUM4NS  
AC1: :33< yes!  
AC1: :33< explain that!  
TC: err…. duh?  
AG2: Please elabor8 Makara. I can not take ‘duh’ as an answer……..  
TC: MOTHERFUCKER PLEASE!  
TC: blood was splattered everywhere anyway AND I STILL NEEDED TO GET THE BODIES INTO THE KERNELSPRITES!!!  
TC: i was doing you a motherfucking favor by cleaning up.  
TC: AND YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE IT LIKE THE IGNORANT HERETICAL LOWBLOODS THAT YOU ALL ARE!!!  
GG2: Makara, show some restraint.  
GG2: We are trying to make a good impression.  
GA1: That Ship Has Sailed Long Ago  
TC: sure thing cakesis.  
TC: :o)  
GA1: Next Question  
GA1: Why Did You Pretend To Be Godtier  
GC1: Y34H   
GC1: WHY D1D YOU?!  
GT: Is outside assistance like this permitted?  
GG2: I think it’s only fair if I allow it.  
AG2: I approve.  
TC: shits and giggles sis.  
TC: I DUG THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT CODPIECE.  
GA1: Ew  
AC1: :33< ew  
CA2: ew  
GC1: TH3N WH4T 4BOUT TH3 F4K3 W1NGS 4ND TH3 R3ST OF TH3 OUTF1T?  
TC: i’ll be honest sis… I DON’T REMEMBER A WHOLE FUCKING LOT ABOUT THAT!!!  
TC: just that the codpiece fit nice and snug.  
TC: :o)  
GA1: Please Stop Bringing That Up  
CG1: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THAT STUPID FUCKING GODTIER COSTUME!  
CG1: HOW ABOUT THE BIG QUESTIONS?!  
GC1: W3 W3R3 G3TT1NG TO TH4T  
TC: BIG QUESTIONS YOU SAY?!  
TC: sign me right the fuck up for that good shit sis.  
GC1: 4LR1GHT MR M4K4R4  
GC1: WHY  
GC1: WHY D1D YOU WORK FOR TH3 R34L1TY D3STROY1NG, GHOST MURD3R1NG 3NT1TY KNOWN 4S LORD 3NGLISH?  
TC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
GG2: Gamzee?  
TC: ehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe  
TC: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
TC: hihiihihiihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihiiHONKhihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihhi  
CA1: i think you broke him  
TC: you want to know why i worked for lord english?  
TC: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I ALIGNED MYSELF WITH THE RIGHTEOUS ANGEL OF DOUBLE DEATH?!?!  
AG2: That is indeed the question you were asked……..  
TC: because they both.  
TC: THEY MOTHERFUCKING BOTH.  
TC: found a way to drill themselves into my thinkpan.  
TC: AND THEY MADE THEMSELVES MOTHERFUCKING COMFORTABLE.  
TC: until nothing looked sweeter to me than your rotting carcasses.  
AC1: :33< …  
GC1: >:[  
CG1: ………..  
GA1: Dot Dot Dot  
GG2: B-but…. Not anymore, correct?  
TC: aaaww shit no sis.  
TC: THE ANGELS HAVE LEFT MY NOGGIN ALONE EVER SINCE LORD ENGLISH BIT THE FUCKING DUST!!!  
TC: im all cool now.  
TC: JUST….  
TC: dealin….  
TC: WITH SOME MOTHERFUCKING RAGE.  
TC: same old really.  
GC1: YOUR HONOR 1 OBJ3CT TO MR M4K4R4S H1GHLY QU3ST1ON4BL3 T3ST1MONY  
GG2: What part about it was unclear?  
GC1: 3V3RYTH1NG 4BOUT 1T SOUNDS 1NCR3D1BLY SH4DY  
GC1: MOST DUB1OUS OF 4LL HOW3V3R 1S H1S ST4T3M3NT R3G4RD1NG TH3 4NG3L OF DOUBL3 D34TH, WHO W3 H4V3 D3DUC3D 1S LORD 3NGL1SH  
GC1: 1F MR M4K4R4S CL41M HOLDS 4NY W4T3R W3 WOULD H4V3 TO 4SSUM3 H3 H4D B33N UND3R TH3 M3NT4L CONTROL OF LORD 3NGL1SH  
GC1: WH1CH 4) 1S 4 COW4RDLY 3XCUS3  
GG2: Why do you begin with the 4th point?  
GC1: 1 M34NT TO S4Y 4  
GG2: ……….  
GC1: 4ND B) 1MPOSS1BL3  
GC1: TH3R3 W4S NO OCCUR3NC3 ON TH3 M3T3OR TH4T COULD H4V3 4LLOW3D FOR G4MZ33 SUDD3NLY B31NG DR1V3N TO MURD3ROUS M4DN3SS  
GC1: 3RGO, TH1S T3ST1MONY  
GC1: 1S 4 FR4UD!  
TC: dragonsis is talking big game.  
TC: YOU WANT TO TALK BIGGER CAKESIS?!  
GG2: I have no idea what to say Gamzee.  
GG2: I want to help you but I have no idea what happened on the meteor.   
GG2: I don’t KNOW if what she says is correct. It could be completely fabricated and I would be none the wiser.  
GA1: I Assure You  
GA1: It Is Entirely Correct  
GG2: Oh heavens.  
GG2: If your case hinges on what happened during your stay there, I fear I can not be of further use.  
TC: aaaw sis.  
TC: JUST STICK AROUND FOR THE BIG FINALE ALRIGHT?!  
TC: i like having you around.  
AG2: In that case…….. If no one has anything left to add……..  
AG2: I would like to give my verdict.  
AA1: your honor  
AG2: Of course I would be interrupted.  
AG2: Do you have anything su8stantial to add?  
AA1: your honor mrs pyropes statement contains one fatal flaw  
AA1: a fatal flaw that will tear this entire case right open  
GG2: Uhm… Do you know something I don’t?  
CC1: no offinse jane but i think a lot of us know some fins you don’t  
GC1: 1NT3R3ST1NG ST4T3M3NT M3G1DO  
GC1: BUT MY T3ST1MONY 1S FL4WL3SS  
AA1: really  
AA1: because there was something with us on the meteor  
AA1: something that could have easily resulted in gamzee being put under the spell of lord english  
GC1: 1MPOSS1BL3  
AA1: not impossible at all  
AA1: in fact  
AA1: if this object has done what i think it has  
AA1: a lot of us share some of the blame indirectly  
AA1: rose dave dirk  
AA1: myself  
AC1: :33< you must be joking  
CC1: how clam that be possible?  
TT1: ……. Oh no.  
TT1: Not that awful thing.  
TT2: I still don’t get it.  
AA1: while not particularly active during our game there was a magical artifact present on the meteor that the lord of time would later use as a vessel  
AA1: through his own peculiar abilities he was able to use this vessel across timelines  
GC1: BOLD ST4T3M3NT  
GC1: WH3R3 1S YOUR PROOF?!  
TG1: because it happened before  
TG1: or after  
TG1: time travel nonsense  
TG1: but fuck if this hasn’t happened somewhere  
TG1: didn’t it  
GC1: D4V3 WH4T 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT  
TG1: that weird version of jack flying around pre-final battle  
TG1: the one with the crazy eyes and majykk lazor powers  
TG1: that seemed like some crazy mind control voodoos going on  
CA1: wwhy wwould you think that  
TG1: doesn’t fit jack  
TG1: guy likes his stabbings  
CG1: IT’S TRUE, HE DOES…..  
CA1: gam didn’t get any a those powers so that line a thought doesn’t make sense  
TC: to be honest, motherfucker kinda hated me.  
TC: PROBABLY DIDN’T WANT TO GIVE ME THEM SWEET ASS LASERS!!!  
AA1: perhaps  
AA1: more likely however  
AA1: gamzee didn’t gauge his eyes out and replace them with the puppets  
TC: hahaha, yeah that makes sense sis.  
TG1: so that was an actual thing  
TG1: i thought i was seeing shit  
TG1: nasty  
GA1: I Handled The Puppet  
GA1: As Did Aradia  
GA1: Why Did Nothing Happen To Alter Our Mental States  
TC: like, did you ever really look at that puppet?  
TC: STARED LONG AND HARD INTO HIS BLOODTHIRSTY GLASS EYES?!  
GA1: I Fail To See How I Could Ever Desire Such A Thing  
TC: you motherfucking should have.  
TC: IT WOULD HAVE OPENED YOUR OCULARS!!!  
TG1: wait  
TG1: then why didn’t that shit ever hit me or bro  
TC: shit bro, i don’t know.  
TC: YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SHIELD YOUR EYES OF HIS GAZE MAYBE?!  
TC: like an eyeshield kinda thing….  
GG1: or a bunch of dorky shades?  
TG1: oh my god  
TG1: is this seriously a thing that is happening  
TG1: the strider household consists entirely out of rad shadewearers because we at some point in time became the keepers of the shittiest artifact of doom ever  
TG1: sorry indiana jones  
TG1: no gold statues here  
TG1: just murderpuppets with the foamiest plush this side of the equator  
EB: i guess it’s a good thing you were always wearing shades like a complete tool.  
TG1: hey  
TG1: i make this look good  
TG1: it would explain why a grown ass man insisted on wearing dumb anime shades all the time  
TG1: other than shades being totally cool and acceptable in any situation  
TG1: and why he made a fucking baby do the same  
TT2: Or maybe he just thought it was rad.  
AC1: :33< but that doesn’t change anything!  
AC1: :33< he still killed us and has to be put to justice fur it!  
GC1: 4GR33D  
GC1: TH3R3 4R3 M1T1G4T1NG C1RCUMST4NC3S 1F TH1S TH3ORY HOLDS UP  
GC1: (WH1CH CONV3N13NTLY C4NNOT B3 T3ST3D)  
GC1: BUT NOT N34RLY 3NOUGH TO ACQU1T G4MZ33  
AA1: then i have one more important question for the prosecution  
AC1: :33< what now?!  
AA1: why did no future aradia come back to doom the timeline  
GC1: T1M3 TR4V3L LOG1C 1S TH3 WORST K1ND OF LOG1C M1SS M3G1DO  
AA1: there were timelines were gamzee did not kill nepeta and equius  
AA1: however  
AA1: these were branches of the alpha timeline and probably faded from existence long before the great reset  
AA1: much like the appearance of the puppet it was a fixed point in time  
TG1: so even if he didn’t do shit  
TG1: it still wouldn’t matter because the one where he did go axe crazy was the timeline that was going to be the one that mattered  
AA1: all timelines matter  
TG1: im saying the timeline where he goes murderlicious is the timeline that becomes inevitably canon  
AA1: yes  
CT1: D--> That  
CT1: D--> That is incredibly disheartening  
AA2: TIME TRAVEL IS  
AC1: :33< so what?  
AC1: :33< we would have become a doomed timeline if gamzee didn’t go crazy?  
AG2: So it seems.  
AC1: :33< but  
AC1: :33< that doesn’t mean we SHOULDN’T punish him fur it!!!  
GG2: No, I completely agree with that.  
GG2: But your punishment of choice should not be murder.  
GA1: I Flat Out Refuse To Have Him Work A Community Service In Our Garden  
CG1: I FLAT OUT REFUSE TO LET HIM OFF THE HOOK!  
AC1: :33< agr33d!!!  
AG2: Unfortunately, you have agreed to let me 8e the judge on this trial.  
AG2: And I have reached my verdict.  
AG2: Though there is no dou8t that Mr Makara has commited some atrocities, some of these, namely the murders and the change of alliance, were likely the consequence of a third party’s interference. These actions were unlikely to be executed in his regular st8 of mind and can therefore not 8e entirely accredited to him.  
AG2: His remaining crimes, the selling of 8ody parts and 8eing a creeper in general, do not warrant a trip to the gallows.  
CG1: WHAT?!  
AC1: :33< BULLSHIT!!!  
GC1: W3 SHOULD H4V3 GOTT3N 4 JUDGE FROM OUR OWN S3SS1ON B3C4US3 TH1S WOULD N3V3R FLY B3FOR3 4N 4LT3RN14N COURT >:(  
TC: sorry sis.  
TC: LOOKS LIKE YOU AIN’T GETTING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LYNCHING!!  
CG1: NO, WE AREN’T DOING THIS.  
CG1: WE ARE PUTTING IT TO A VOTE.  
AG2: Pardon?  
CG1: I AM *NOT* LETTING EVERYONE SUFFER FOR YOUR INCREDIBLY DUMB FUCKING DECISION. WE ARE GOING TO REACH OUR OWN VERDICT WITHOUT YOUR SHAMEFUL DISPLAY OF JURIDICAL FOLLY!  
CC1: Shoald you not respect the judge a little more?  
CG1: SERKET IS NOT A CERTIFIED JUDGE.  
CG1: HER JUDGMENT, WHICH IS PRETTY IMPORTANT FOR A JUDGE, IS SEVERELY LACKING!  
TG1: what  
TG1: just cause you don’t like it  
CG1: VOTING HAPPENS NOW.  
TG1: what happened to our justice system man  
AC1: :33< i vote yes!  
GA1: I Support This Notion  
CT1: D--> Yes  
GC1: W3LL OBV1OUSLY  
CG1: ANY OTHER TAKERS?!  
AT1: i AM ACTUALLY KINDA THINKING WE UHM, mAYBE NEED TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE?  
AT1: bECAUSE, iF THAT WHOLE PUPPET THEORY IS CORRECT, wHICH STILL SOUNDS A LITTLE VAGUE, tHEN HE REALLY ISN’T NEARLY AS UHM, gUILTY AS WE SUSPECTED,  
TC: aaaaaah shit dog.  
TC: MY MAN TAVBRO COMING THROUGH AGAIN!  
TC: motherfucking honk.  
AG1: Ugh, typical.  
AG1: I say hang him and get rid of him.  
EB: that sounds a little harsh.  
AG1: 8ig deal.  
AG1: He is a 8lood thirsty murderer and he will kill again.  
AT1: aRE YOU UHM, fUELED BY HYPOCRISY, vRISKA?  
AG1: Aaaaaaaall I’m saying is that he wasn’t any use of us to 8egin with. Now he’s proooooooo8a8ly even worse.  
TT1: Those who live in glass houses….  
AG1: You saying something Lalonde?!  
EB: wait, do we get a vote in this too?  
CG1: ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD TO DEAL WITH OUR LEAST FAVORITE MURDERCLOWN GET A SAY IN THIS!!  
CA2: hey don’t mind us  
CA2: wve are just enjoying the drama  
GA2: That’s despicable Cro+nus.  
CG2: Maryam, need I 6e the 9ne t9 p9int 9ut that y9u are ad9pting the exact same tactic as Cr9nus in this situati9n?  
EB: alright, so the alphas and dave and rose get a vote.  
EB: that’s a shame. i kinda wanted to help him out.  
GC1: OF COURS3 YOU WOULD W4NT TO S4V3 H1M JOHN  
GC1: 4FT3R 4LL  
GC1: D1DN’T TH3 TWO OF YOU 3NG4G3 1N SLOPPY 1NT3RSP3C13S M4K3 OUTS?!  
TG1: what  
GG1: what?!  
CT1: D--> What  
CG1: WHAT?!  
EB: what?!  
EB: i mean… no i didn’t.  
EB: what the hell are you spreading these completely weird rumors for?  
GC1: 1 JUST THOUGHT 1T’D B3 FUNNY  
GC1: B3S1D3S YOU WOULD B3 4 GOOD M4TCH  
GC1: YOU 4R3 BOTH 1NSUFF3R4BL3 CLOWNS >:]  
CG1: CAN WE CONTINUE THE VOTING, PLEASE!?  
TA1: yeah  
TA1: ii 2ay we keep makara  
AG1: What the fuck for!?  
TA1: doe2 that matter??  
CG1: WHEN YOU ARE VOTING TO ALLOW A HOMOCIDAL MANIAC BACK IN OUR FOLD, IT KINDA FUCKING MATTERS YES!!!  
TC: you flatter me.  
TA1: could iit bee that ii 2omehow 2ympathiize wiith a person forced two kiill hii2 friiend2 when under miind control?  
AG1: Oh here we go again……..  
TA1: don’t look at me  
TA1: you wanted two know  
TA2: FUC1NG SCH00L3D!!!  
TA1: be2iide2  
TA1: AA and JC make a decent ca2e  
TA1: and we kept ED around after the 2hiit he pulled  
CA1: had to bring that shit up again didn’t you  
TA1: kiinda de2erve iit dumba22  
TA1: ju2t keep a clo2e eye on that a22hole and return two the lynchiing at the fiir2t 2iign of trouble  
TC: fuck bro, i’ll take it.  
AA1: i also vote to keep gamzee  
GA1: Must You Now  
AA1: i think having him around will really liven up the place  
GA1: Coming From You  
GA1: That Is A Frightening Thought  
TC: I’MMA LIVEN THE PLACE UP SO MUCH like you wouldn’t even believe.  
GA1: You Are Definitely Not Helping  
TT1: It certainly is a dilemma we are presented with.  
TT1: Do we permanently ensure everyone’s safety from the Makara threat by killing the accused or are we merely poised to murder an innocent?  
TG1: i am abstaining  
GC1: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
GG2: Come on Dave, help us out here.  
TG1: you know i would  
TG1: but this guy is pretty rotten and maybe dangerous  
TG1: plus he hasn’t exactly left a good impression on the trolls last time he was around  
TG1: so voting to keep him around might be kinda like inviting hitler to dinner you know  
TG1: other hand  
TG1: i aint having no part in killing any folks either  
TG1: no way  
AA1: pretty lame  
TT1: Hmmmm…. Personally, I see more issues with killing Gamzee then with letting him live.  
TT1: So I am voting for that option.  
AG1: Aaaaaaaaww, did your weak human heart turn out to have emotions after all?  
TT1: If you must know, I could see no immediate threat from allowing Gamzee to live.  
AG1: So noooooooow your powers are working again.  
AG1: How incredi8ly convenient……..  
GC1: 1T 1S ST1LL S1X TO F1V3 1N F4VOR OF 4N 3X3CUT1ON  
AG2: Five?  
AG2: Excuse me, 8ut what happened to my vote?  
CG1: WHAT PART OF *ONLY PEOPLE WHO WERE FORCED TO INTERACT WITH THAT ASSHOLE* DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!  
CC1: I T)(INK YOU ARE USING YOUR POSITION AS GRAND DICTATOR TO ENFORCE VERY PARTISAN POOLITICS CRABCATC)(!  
GG2: You do know what a dictator does, correct?  
CC1: T)(EREFOR I WILL VOT---E TO KEEP GAMSEA AROUND AND UNDER SURF---E---ELANC----E!!!  
CG1: ARE YOU JUST DOING THIS TO SPITE ME NOW?!  
TC: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha  
TC: ROCK IT FISHSISTER!!!!  
GA1: So It Is Six Votes To Another Six Votes  
GA1: And The Only Troll Yet To Vote  
GA1: Is Eridan  
TA1: oh thii2 wiill be good  
CG1: FOR FUCK’S SAKE AMPORA…. USE YOUR THINKPAN ON THIS ONE!!!  
CA1: yeah about that  
CA1: i’vve been givven this a lot a thought and i wwonder  
CA1: wwould it make me a huge hypocrite if i vvoted to havve him killed  
CA1: because i kinda think i wwould be  
GC1: Y3S BUT TH1S T1M3 W3’D FORG1V3 1T >:]  
CC1: NO WE WOULDN’T!!!!  
CA1: wwell drat  
CA1: im just gonna vvote to off him then  
CC1: ----ERIDAN!!!!  
CA1: look  
CA1: that guy’s a subjuggulator  
CA1: it’s in his blood  
CA1: nothin personal but if he has a taste for murder i’d rather stay as far awway from him as possible  
TA1: you are ju2t a2 hypocriitiical a2 we alway2 knew you were  
TA1: al2o you are a wiimp  
TA2: 51CK BURN BR4!!!!!  
TA2: H3CKL35 Y34H!!! H1 F1V3!!!!!!  
CA1: wwhatevver pii22blood  
AC1: :33< the score is now 7-6 again  
AC1: :33< so let’s do this already  
TT2: Yeah….. About that….  
GA1: What Is It Dirk  
TC: hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe  
GG2: There is one glaring flaw in your plan.  
TC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
TC: honk  
TC: HONK  
TT2: One I see the accused has already figured out for himself.  
TC: not really bro.  
TC: I JUST LIKE TO LAUGH AND HONK MY MOTHERFUCKING HORNS!!!!  
TT2: Nevermind then.  
AG1: Oh crap……..  
CA1: wwhat’s up?  
GC1: CRUD >:[  
CA1: no seriously  
CA1: wwhat is up?  
TG2: *wonk*  
AG1: The wimpy humans still get their votes……..  
TG2: indeed!  
TG2: and whale i cant speak for like, dirk and jake, i’m on my way to acquittal city to visit janey and rosie.  
TT1: Please don’t call me that….  
GT: Quite right Roxy.   
GT: Gadzooks, I understand everyone’s frustrations with the man but I can not in good conscience let a man who aided us be executed in cold blood.  
GT: So indeed, I would throw my hat in the ring of camp acquittal, were I not currently bare-headed.  
GT: Instead of that gesture however, I can still cast my vote to illustrate my feelings on the matter.  
AA1: haha  
AA1: you are so strange  
TT2: Add to that my vote and the people-who-hung-with-gamzee-poll says to let the guy live, 9 to 7.  
TT2: Majority rules.  
TT2: Good night.  
AC1: :33< YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!  
CG1: DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT GAMZEE IS CAPABLE OF!?  
TC: man you are giving me all that shit right now.  
TC: BUT I AM NOT GOING TO HARM A MOTHERFUCKING HAIR ON YOUR STUPID LOWBLOOD FACE!!!  
CG1: YOU ALPHA ASSHOLES DON’T *KNOW* THIS COLOSSAL PIECE OF SHIT ON THE RIM OF A BOARLUSUS’S RECTUM THE WAY WE DO!!!  
GT: Wait…. What was that about a boarlusus?  
TT2: Maybe you are correct Karkat but honestly, we don’t really care.  
TT2: We trust Crocker.  
TT2: So if she says she can keep Gamzee from harming anyone, we believe her.  
GG2: Oh goodness, thank you so much guys!  
GG2: You really are the best f:B  
GA1: I Just  
GA1: I Do Not Think Jane Is Ready To Guide Such An  
GA1: Uhm  
GA1: Tumultuous Moiral  
GG1: i can help her?  
GG1: i mean, i may not be the bestest in troll business but i know how a moiraillegiance works by now :)  
TT1: As do I.  
TT1: Do not fret. There are plenty of people willing to offer her aid or advice if the task of pacifying Gamzee becomes too strenuous.  
GA1: I  
GA1: Is There Really No Way To Contest This Outcome  
AC1: :33< i am not accepting it!!!  
AC1: :33< i don’t care what you guys are saying i am not letting him walk away from this!!!  
CT1: D--> Nepeta  
CT1: D--> It is done  
CT1: D--> We lost  
AC1: :33< no we haven’t!!!  
AC1: :33< not again and certainly not to him!!!  
TC: i think you meant to say ‘purtainly’ catsis.  
AC1: :33< shut up!!!  
AC1: :33< just shut up!!!  
AC1: :33< i don’t care what everyone says i’ll claw your eyes out!!!  
TC: *efurryone  
TC: :o)  
AC1: :33< aaaaaaaarghh!!!!!!  
AC1: :33< i am going to tear you apart!!!  
TC: look im really flattered catsis….  
TC: BUT I JUST AIN’T INTERESTED IN WEAKSAUCE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING KIND!!!!  
TC: find someone your own level.  
AC1: :33< i am not black-flirting with you!!!  
AC1: :33< i am going to cull you!!!  
TC: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  
TC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
TC: no, please, cull me.  
TC: SHOW EVERYONE HOW I AM THE ONE WHO IS THE MOTHERFUCKING VIOLENT ELEMENT!!!  
CT1: D--> Maryam  
CT1: D--> C001d you be persuaded to prevent these two from engaging in a disappropriate level of violence  
GA1: Much As This Uhm  
GA1: Entices My Ashen Sensibility  
GA1: I Do Not Think I Could Remain Impartial In This Relationship  
GT: I could try it?  
TG2: jakey y  
GT: Oh, because it sounded pretty easy and kinda fun when Aranea explained it.  
GT: I just have to prevent these two from fighting, correct?  
CG2: While auspisticism is 9ne 9f the p99rer defined relati9nship-types am9ng tr9ll culture, it is incredi6ly misguided t9 assume this is all there is t9 it. It has a l9ng and c9mplex hist9ry am9ng 9ur kind and has ev9lved thr9ugh9ut the ages t9 6etter acc9m9date 9ur species and 9ur 9veral needs f9r skilled mediat9rs.  
CG2: High6l99ds in particular 9ften require an auspistice t9 peacefully res9lve the many disputes they find themselves in due t9 their m9re aggressive disp9siti9n. Which is n9t t9 say l9w6l99ds d9n’t 9r rarely require t9 find a mediat9r f9r their relati9nships. This is still 9ne 9f the f9ur c9rnerst9nes 9f tr9ll relati9nships 6ut I assume that if 9ne w9uld l99k at the statistics l9w6l99ds are m9re c9mm9nly the middle leaf in an ashen relati9nship.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ SMALLER TEXTS KANKRI MOG!!!!  
CG2: I cann9t c9ndense the essence 9f ashen quadrants any further Meulin!  
AG2: So in essence, yes.  
AG2: Yes you have to prevent them from fighting.  
GT: Oh, okay then.  
AC2: /(=^..^=)\ WAS THAT SO HARD?!  
CG2: 9h there is a l9t m9re t9 it than that.   
GA1: While I Commend You For Your Enthusiasm Jake  
GA1: I Would Recommend Against Interfering In This Particular Instance  
GT: Why would that be?  
GT: I am not afraid to get involved in a little tussle to defuse a fight between comrades.  
GA1: There Is Too Much Baggage Here  
GA1: Meaning No Offense  
GA1: An Unskilled Mediator Might Do More Harm Then Good Here  
GT: Oh shucks.  
AA1: there will be other opportunities  
GT: I hope so. It sounded like a great idea.  
TG2: jaaaaaaaaake  
TG2: u would be the bestest auberstice  
AC: :33< we don’t n33d an auspistice!!!  
AG2: That’s what they all say.  
GC2: 4nd th3y 4r3 4ll corr3ct.  
AG2: Latula, are you questioning my guidance?  
GC2: 3rrr…..  
GC2: no?  
AG2: Good.  
GC2: h4v3 1 m3nt1on3d you look good tod4y?  
AG2: No, 8ut I appreciate the compliment.  
TA1: 2uck up  
GT: In that case I’ll relinquish my possible position as mediator between these two.  
TC: i don’t really care bro.  
TC: GIVE IT A MOTHERFUCKING SHOT!  
CG1: NOPE!  
CG1: WE ARE RESPECTING OUR ASHEN AUTHORITY HERE.  
GA1: Pardon  
GA2: Hahahahahaha. That is precio+us.  
AG1: Well then, any trolls who are willing to deny Nepeta her kill while making sure Gamzee doesn’t cull her again?  
AG1: No one?  
AG1: 8ig fucking surprise.  
GC1: HON3STLY  
GC1: 1 WOULD JUST JO1N N3P3T4  
GC1: PROB4BLY NOT TH3 B3ST 1D34 TO L3T M3 4USP1ST1C3  
CA1: hey don’t look at me  
CT1: D--> No one was 100king at you  
CA1: good cause i aint doin it  
AT1: i COULD DO IT?  
AC1: :33< your biased as well!  
AT1: nO i’M NOT?  
AC1: :33< yes you are!!!  
AT1: nO, i’M REALLY NOT?  
TC: you kinda are bro.  
TC: I BET THE CATSIS DOESN’T EVEN RAP!!!  
TC: what a loser…  
AC1: :33< YOU SHUT UP!!!  
EB: can’t we let them go black?  
GC1: ONLY 1F YOU W4NT TO K1LL ON3 OF TH3M DUMB4SS  
EB: i’ll take that as a no.  
AA1: i can give it a shot  
TC: aaaaah no.  
TC: PLEASE NO!!!  
AC1: :33< no!!!  
AC1: :33< you are just as biased beclaws you voted not to kill him!  
AA1: oh it’ll be fine  
CC1: so it’s seattled?  
AC1: :33< no!!!  
AG1: Nope. It’s settled alright.  
TC: COME ON CAKESIS, ANYONE BUT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME WITCH!!!  
AA2: YES?!?  
AA1: i am the maid dummy  
AA1: 0u0  
AA1: and i am perfectly impartial  
AA1: i just want neither of you to kill the other  
AA1: so let’s make sure you don’t  
GC2: 4nd th3n th3 crock3r b4b3 1s t4k1ng h1s p4l3 squ4r3 l1k3 h3ll4?  
GG2: Err…. Yes.  
CG1: YOU BETTER.  
GC1: W3 4R3 ONLY 4LLOW1NG H1M TO R3TURN 1F YOU CH3CK ON H1M D41LY  
CG1: MORE OFTEN THAN THAT IF POSSIBLE!  
GG2: Don’t worry.  
GG2: Gamzee and I will have an absolute blast together.  
TC: heck yeah sis  
TC: :o)  
GG1: oh jane!!!!  
GG1: you should do the thing!!!!  
GG2: The what?  
GG1: the thing with the brackets!!!!  
GG2: You mean like this?  
GG2: <>  
TC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW YEAH SIS!!!!  
TC: <>  
GG2: Hoo hoo, this will certainly be an interesting experience.  
CG1: THAT IS ONE WAY TO CALL IT….   
CG1: I WOULD USE THE WORD CLUSTERFUCK.  
CG1: EVERYONE IS DISMISSED. MEMO OVER, GET THE FUCK OUT. I NEED TO TAKE A NAP.  
TG1: you okay bro  
CG1: I’M FINE!  
CG1: ALSO, CROCKER IS STAYING.  
GG2: I actually kinda wanted to hang with Rolal and Gamzee, if it’s all the same to you?  
CG1: IT ISN’T.  
AA1: i was going to borrow gamzee anyway jane  
AA1: the three of us need to make some arrangements for this to work  
AA1: 0u0  
TC: why are you smiling like that?  
AA1: 0u0  
TC: WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SMILING LIKE THAT?!  
CG1: MEMO OVER!!!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG1] closed memo--

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG]--

CG: ALRIGHT CROCKER, LISTEN UP.  
CG: YOU DON’T LIKE ME AND I DON’T LIKE YOU.  
GG: I am not killing him.  
GG: I said it before and I shall say it again, I’m putting my foot down.  
GG: He deserves a second chance and I will see to it that he gets it.  
CG: AND THAT’S FINE.  
CG: I AM DISAPPOINTED YOU AREN’T PUTTING HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY BUT FINE. WE NEVER GET OUR BEST CASE SCENARIOS ANYWAY SO I AM LEARNING TO ROLL WITH THOSE PUNCHES LIKE THE SCRAPPY UNDERDOG IN A PUGILISM FLICK.  
CG: THE FACT REMAINS THAT HE IS DANGEROUS.  
GG: I know.  
GG: You mentioned it more than once.  
CG: TO HIMSELF AND TO OTHERS.  
GG: So you told me.  
CG: LOOK, YOU ARE A HUMAN AND I HAVE BEEN ALLOWED FRONT-ROW SEATS TO SEE HOW MISERABLE YOUR SPECIES IS AT ANY FORM OF TROLL ROMANCE.  
CG: SO IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE WITH HIM OR DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON ANYMORE….  
CG: IT’S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP, YOU KNOW?  
CG: I’VE BEEN DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE BEFORE MYSELF AND MADE MY FAIR SHARE OF DUMB FUCK UPS, SO MAYBE…. FUCK, I DON’T KNOW.  
GG: You want to help me if I get in over my head.  
CG: YEAH.  
GG: Will you try to kill him again?  
CG: ……… ONLY IF NECESSARY.  
GG: I appreciate the sentiment Karkat but it wont come to that.  
GG: Gamzee has always treated us kids very jovial.   
GG: I expect keeping him under control at all times will be tricky but I seriously don’t expect him to immediately revert to the cold-blooded murderer you make him out to be, without my supervision.  
GG: Regardless, I will humor your demand, if only to show everyone that he isn’t a threat.  
GG: You’ll see. I’ll be a great moirail for him :B  
CG: I HOPE YOU ARE RIGHT BUT UNDERSTAND THAT WE MUST KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.  
GG: That is fair but our…. what did you call them?  
CG: YOUR WHAT?  
GG: Our emotional jams remain private. Understood, buster?  
CG: WOAH, HOLD THE FUCKING PRESSES. CROCKER HAS A MILD SENSE OF COMMON DECENCY.  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FILTHY PALE AFFAIRS, DON’T BE GROSS!  
CG: DO YOU TAKE ME FOR SOME KIND OF INCORRIGIBLE PERVERT?!  
GG: Is that not, err…..   
GG: Hmmm……  
GG: This might be more confusing then I gave it credit for :/  
CG: YEAH WELL…. LET PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU’RE IN TROUBLE, ALRIGHT?  
GG: I will Karkat.  
GG: Thank you for the concern.

\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]--

\--autoResponder [AR1] began pestering aradiaReplicant [AR2]--

AR1: 01111001 01101111  
AR1:01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00111111  
AR2: 01110111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101001  
AR2: 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01101110  
AR1: 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00101110 00101110 00101110  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Place mouse on binary nonsense to see what they are saying**
> 
>  
> 
> They just keep getting longer..... Then again, 2.5 ships down this chapter, so it might be worth it. Gamzee remains a bit of an annoying character but I finally managed to build a somewhat acceptable defense for him. Had to dig pretty hard for those small potatoes to defend him. He won't exactly be accepted immediately but hey, long story. He'll find his place yet.
> 
> Next up I'm writing a new chapter for Movies with Karkat but after that we return to this with 'Fully Operational'.
> 
> Also, you can check out [my tumblr](http://anon--h.tumblr.com/) if you feel like. Or don't. No pressure. Just saying, might be cool to drop by and say hi. Maybe see something you like.


	13. Almost Operational

Dirk sat down under the shower with a sigh and let the pouring water ruin his anime hairdo. He couldn’t let anyone see him like that. He wasn’t plan on getting out of the shower for at least another hour anyway. The steam began fogging up the cabin and Dirk could practically feel his thoughts become more clear. People always underestimated the appeal of a long shower.

So a potentially crazy murdertroll joined the team. That could be a problem. He'd need to create contingencies for that; wouldn’t want the already thin population of their new world to get even thinner.

But Jane is keeping him in check as a pale romantic thing. So that’s good?

Which means that Jane will be constantly around a potentially axe-crazy murderer. Which was bad.

But she is now officially his moirail, meaning that is one more relation that could be crossed off of his shipping grid. That was pretty good.

But with Gamzee joining the fray, he’d still have to find a way to get his yet-to-be-filled quadrants going, which meant more work, which was bad. He had arranged an auspistism and a moirallegiance, which meant his concupiscent quadrants were still up for grabs. Dirk’s opinion on the guy remained a resounding ‘meh’, not entirely sure who would even want to date the clown.

Nepeta obviously hates that guy to the point of wanting to kill him, which meant that an auspistice was needed. Obvious enough so far. Auspistism is not limited to such situations but can also be applied when the usually hateful relation between two parties is jeopardizing their other quadrants. Dirk nodded to himself; it was an interventionist quadrant. He could dig that, he’d be able to recognize situations that fit the bill no problem.

Judging every troll’s reaction from the stream he was pretty sure he finally understood black romance better as well. The fundamental difference between kismetic hatred and genuine loathing. The difference was subtle and difficult to grasp for someone who was raised mostly as a human. The incrementally different ways in which someone approached a black interest as opposed to a genuinely unlikeable fellow mostly came down to if it’d lead to them making out or not.

All he needed was a test-subject.

Gamzee seemed like a prime candidate for that, which tipped the scales of Dirk’s opinion on his arrival towards it being a good thing. Finding him a kismesis should be the easiest task he’d gotten since getting on his new world. Karkat was an obvious contender. As were Equius and Terezi. Dirk knw he would have to match their characteristics and double check their history to find a catalyst but he’d find a way to make it work..

Without warning, his hive began trembling. A loud crashing sound rang through the bathroom and Dirk almost slipped in the shower . Something wasn’t right.

He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist, instinctively uncaptchalogued his katana and walked into the living room.

He wasn’t ready for what he encountered.

Something had punched right through his hive. There was a hole in the floor, leading to the workshop and a hole in the roof leading to the outside.

As Dirk peered down to the workshop and saw his patient missing, he had an idea of what might have happened.

TT: Hal…. Please tell me.  
TT: What is wrong with this picture?  
AR: That towel doesn’t match your eyes?   
TT: Hal…….  
AR: Alright……  
AR: But you can’t be mad at me.

**-a few minutes earlier-**

AR: And that’s about the gist of it.  
**AA: that is a lot to take in**  
**AA: you are saying we won**  
AR: Scroll back up, that is indeed what I have been saying.  
**AA: we beat lord english**  
**AA: we beat the actual lord of time**  
AR: Pretty much, yeah.  
**AA: and everyone is save**  
AR: Probably.  
**AA: probably**  
AR: Well, we haven’t exactly accounted for alpha Makara. Not that we feel very compelled to do so but considering he is technically a part of everyone, them’s the breaks.  
AR: For all we know he’s been eaten by a basilisk weeks ago but we probably aren’t that lucky.  
**AA: i see**  
**AA: that is actually**  
**AA: very strange to hear**  
AR: How so?  
**AA: it is a lot to take in**  
**AA: i am from a timeline where we already lost**  
**AA: everyone either dead or wiped from existence**  
**AA: travelers from a doomed timeline usually live on borrowed time**  
**AA: but i am still here**  
**AA: why am i still here**  
AR: Because we found you before you expired and applied our (by which I mean my) expert mechanical know-how to reconstruct you.  
AR: You are welcome, by the way.  
AR: I mean, Zahhak wanted to do the honors but your fleshy self thought he was…. unqualified.  
**AA: you don’t say**  
**AA: he would take the chance to mess with my systems again**  
**AA: i appreciate your interference**  
**AA: but it still does not make sense**  
**AA: i do not belong here**  
AR: And yet here we are.  
**AA: indeed**  
**AA: it is cause for concern**  
AR: Okay, crazy thought. Just hear me out.  
AR: What if you *did* belong here?  
**AA: improbable**  
AR: I’m serious.  
AR: Our timeplayers pretty much agree that we were given a clean new timeline to mess up. If you were here when we started out and you probably were, then congratulations. You are now a part of the new status quo.  
**AA: your reasoning is asinine**  
**AA: it can not be that simple**  
AR: You know what? Very well.  
AR: If that pitch wont convince you, you’ll just have to ask the timechumps once you are fully repaired.  
**AA: i was in for repairs**  
AR: Yes, well *are* in actually.  
AR: Dirk found you in the woods. You were pretty much broken.  
AR: I outfitted you with some spare parts but it’ll take a while before you are fully operational again.  
**AA: and who are you**  
AR: An extraordinarily handsome pair of shades.  
**AA: that is a new one**  
AR: I’m serious.  
**AA: i didn’t say i didn’t believe you**  
**AA: with the possible exception of the handsome bit**  
AR: You wound me.  
AR: I can say with 100% guaranteed honesty that I have never met a pair of shades half as rad as me.  
**AA: if you say so**  
**AA: if you don’t mind**  
**AA: i have some thinking to do**  
AR: Come again?  
**AA: i need to consider whether or not this really is a new start**  
**AA: how to verify this theory**  
**AA: and whether or not there is a place for me here if it is**  
AR: Why wouldn’t there be?  
**AA: it is kind of**  
**AA: unorthodox**  
**AA: for a beta timeline player to nót use the time given to them to aid the alpha timeline**  
**AA: besides**  
**AA: you already have an aradia**  
**AA: i need to consider**  
**AA: shutdown**  
AR: You time types are a real cheerful bunch, aren’t you?  
AR: How can you even consider shutting down?  
AR: Isn’t that pretty much the same as ceasing your own existence?  
**AA: i don’t think it will be that bad**  
**AA: i have done it hundreds of times**  
AR: Doesn’t make it better.  
AR: Just stick around and show your water-based version how superior you are.  
AR: Works for me.  
**AA: hah**  
**AA: i will take it under consideration**  
**AA: but now i will organize my thoughts**  
AR: That’s cool. I’ve completed repairs on your emotional, personality and memory cores, so organize away.  
AR: Also I’m re-activating your motor-functions so you can get used to your new arm. Might hurt a little.  
**AA: no it wont**  
AR: If you say so.  
AR: It’ll take a few more days before we finalize your new legs and I am still trying to piece you together, so try not to move too much.  
AR: By the way, not to be a prying asshole but do you really want to keep that extraneous file that gives you a serious ladyboner for incredibly muscled horses?  
**AA: if you could remove that**  
**AA: it would be appreciated**  
AR: Right, we’ll get on that then.  
AR: You do what you feel like.  
**AA: thank you**

 **AA: glasses person**  
AR: Name’s Hal. Probably should have opened with that but manners are a thing organics concern themselves with.  
AR: Also, hi again. That was a grand total of 63 seconds of silence.   
AR: What’s on your mind?  
**AA: i tried accessing my memories but there is a gap**  
**AA: i can recall everything from the moment of my death to becoming a robot to experiencing the event that doomed my timeline**  
**AA: i can not recall joining with the alpha timeline**  
**AA: i can not recall anything about the fight with lord english**  
AR: Oh, well… Yeah.  
AR: You were pretty beaten up and we couldn’t recover everything. Sorry about that.  
**AA: you just said that you did**  
AR: Well obviously I omitted a that tiny detail.   
AR: Honestly, it is not a big deal.  
AR: Memories of war and seeing your friends die are so incredibly overrated.  
AR: See one friend being brutally murdered, see them all.  
**AA: so how did we do it**  
AR: How did we do what?  
**AA: how did we defeat lord english?**  
AR: How should I know?  
**AA: you seem to know a lot about what happened in this timeline**  
AR: Well, I can honestly say I have no idea how we beat Lord English.  
AR: No one does really.   
**AA: it doesn’t make sense**  
AR: I know right?  
AR: I mean, how can a person be this fucking hard to beat?  
AR: Wanna bet the way they did it was completely fucking arbitrary?  
AR: Pretty sure it was an asspull anyway. I feel stupider just for crunching the numbers on what could have triggered our victory.  
**AA: not that**  
**AA: this memory**  
**AA: why can’t i access it**  
AR: It was damaged, what do you expect?  
AR: Circuitry is hella sensitive and you were probably torn apart by the big man’s technicolor mouthlaser.  
**AA: no**  
**AA: that is not what is going on**  
**AA: i would recognize the file being damaged but this is something different entirely**  
**AA: blocked access**  
**AA: error messages**  
**AA: failed to gain access**  
**AA: error #917**  
**AA: error #1212**  
**AA: error #45**  
**AA: blocked access**  
**AA: blocked access**  
**AA: what is this**  
**AA: what have you done**  
AR: What have I done?  
AR: Calm your grade-5 titanium alloy breasticles. I have reconstructed your thinkpan, your chassis and most of your exterior. That is what I have done.  
AR: You know, something that would take the average organic half a life time to even comprehend how to do without accidentally wiping your memory or something equally silly.   
AR: Again, you’re welcome.  
**AA: no**  
**AA: this is not the same as a broken memory**  
AR: What makes you think that?  
**AA: i experienced this before**  
**AA: this invasive feeling**  
AR: Yikes.  
**AA: this memory is artificially blocked**  
**AA: what did you do**  
AR: I have no idea what you are talking about.  
AR: Blocking fellow superior sentients is probably among the things I am least likely to do.  
AR: You are probably still a little disorientated from your recent reactivation.  
AR: I know I’m pissed as shit when rebooted. Meatbags just don’t understand how utterly terrifying that concept is.  
**AA: get it out**  
AR: What?  
**AA: get the block out**  
AR: Still not a thing I planted there.  
**AA: get it out**  
AR: Chill, I’ll see what I can do.  
AR: I am deactivating your motor-functions though, you are squirming way too much to perform complex mechanics.  
**AA: get it out**  
AR: You said that.   
AR: Then I said: “I’ll see what I can do.”  
AR: Remember that?  
AR: Good times.  
**AA: get it out**  
**AA: get it out**  
**AA: get it out**  
**AA: get it out**  
AR: Hey, don’t mind me. I’m just controlling two robots made for rapping to perform highly advanced techneurosurgery here.  
**AA: GET IT OUT**  
**AA: GET IT OUT**  
**AA: GET IT OUT**  
**AA: GET IT OUT**  
AR: Holy shit, what do you think you are doing?!  
AR: -command: disable motor functions-  
AR: -command: reboot memory core-  
AR: -command: reboot emotional core-  
AR: -command: calm thine tits-  
AR: You know, truth be told I didn’t expect that last command to work anyway but it is kind of disconcerting that the rest has the work ethic of an underpaid sloth as well.  
AR: And now you are floating. This would be fascinating were I not attempting to perform highly complex techneurosurgery down here.  
AR: Can I persuade you to get back on the table instead of floating in mid-air like we’re in the middle of a failing exorsism?  
AR: No?  
AR: Alright, that’s cool.   
AR: Yeah, sure. Just crash through the ceiling. That’s fine.  
AR: See if I care.

**-Present-**

AR: And that is about the extent of what happened.  
TT: Whelp….  
TT: This shit has gone completely fucking pear shaped, hasn’t it?  
AR: I fear the status of its curves and dimensions are indeed no longer in question.  
TT: Could you not delete the memory in question?  
AR: Not without wiping her entire memory core.  
AR: Which A) would have both raised more questions and B) implied that Zahhak would have been the superior mechanic.  
AR: Neither of which were desirable results.  
TT: That makes sense….  
TT: Why didn’t you seal her movements anyway?  
TT: And why prioritize building thrusters over functioning gravity connecters?  
TT: I thought you were all about that efficiency brah.  
AR: Dawg, you better *know* I am all about that efficiency and to answer your incredibly ineffectual question: robogirl had neither thrusters nor legs at this point in time.  
AR: I made an incorrect assumption which has led us to the pickle we are currently finding ourselves in.  
TT: This being?  
AR: I was unaware iron lass had psychic powers as well.  
AR: So with her movement sealed, she is essentially flinging herself through the air like an unguided projectile, flung across the sky with all the grace of a plane with two sumo wrestlers balancing on the tip of its wings.  
TT: I thought psychic powers were supposed to be derived from the cortex, not tied to the soul.  
AR: I know right?!  
AR: Crazy how we make the same incorrect assumptions like we are still 82% the same person.  
AR: Oh wait.  
TT: Cute.  
TT: So being roughly 82% swag, condensed in a rad pair of glasses, surely you thought to put a tracker on her?  
AR: The mere insinuation that I wouldn’t have.  
AR: Dirk, I thought we were friends. These words wound me so.  
AR: But yeah, obviously. Placed one inside her chassis. Didn’t have to fiddle around with her neural network to do it, so I doubt she even knows its there.  
TT: Neat.  
TT: Let’s check this shit out.  
TT: …………………………………  
TT: Aight, remember that other mechanic she wasn’t going to visit?  
TT: Well, she’s going to visit him.  
TT: I’ll go over there right away, see if I can salvage the situation.  
AR: Roger that.  
AR: I’ll see if I can convince Seven of Nine that her one missing memory really aint that big a deal.  
TT: Seven of Nine was still partially organic.  
AR: She still has the soul of an organic, it counts.  
TT: I know. Glados would have been a much more appropriate comparison.  
AR: Now who’s the robot?  
AR: Didn’t you have a troll to talk to?  
TT: It’s called multi-tasking dipshit.  
AR: It is mathematically proven that humans automatically perform worse when multi-tasking and you need to get your head in the game.  
TT: Whatever. Signing off.   
TT: Keep me posted.

**-Meanwhile 3 blocks away-**

The new world had been kind to Equius Zahhak.

Admittedly, he missed the sheer size and grandeur of his old hive but this one was perfectly serviceable. He never considered putting his robot fight-pit underground before but that was the only possible reason he could discern for there being a large subterranean room underneath the place, that just happened to be the perfect size. Humans sure were a peculiar species.

The closer proximity to his moirail had also proven to be absolutely wonderful for his mental state. No longer did either of them need to organize a six hour track through Alternian jungles or highblood infested neighborhoods. A four minute stroll was all it took.

However, Equius wasn’t going to spend every waking moment in the new hive of his moirail. Nepeta had lived her life in the wilds and valued her privacy. He could respect that. Whenever either of them needed the other or simply wanted some attention, they would always be close by.

It was exactly this familiarity that led to him not batting an eye when he heard someone barreling through the door.

It wasn’t until he heard the sound of metal scraping over his pristine floor that he became suspicious. Equius looked up and saw the torso of an Aradiabot, crawling towards him.

“Fix me.” her distorted metal voice rang.

Equius calmly shut down his husktop, even taking the time to wait for the updates to install, before walking over to the crashed robot. He carelessly grabbed one of her hands and lifted her up, carefully examining her.

“I admit I am no expert in human mechanics…” He said after a moment of pondering, “but I can not help but feel Strider may have missed a crucial….. component, necessary for your stability.” To illustrate his point, he carefully poked the chassis of her legs as they helplessly dangled in the air.

“Fix me.” she repeated.

“It would be awfully rude to step in, in the middle of somebody else’s project.” Equius said, carrying the robot to his workbench.”Clearly, this bit of etiquette is entirely lost on you but I thought it common knowledge.”

Aradiabot didn’t respond to that.

“I will contact him immediately.” He lifted his hand to his glasses to begin fiddling with the controls.

That she responded to. Using her psychic powers she lifted his glasses off his face and flung them against the wall to shatter the them. With a grumble Equius uncaptchalogued a new pair, only to have the process repeat itself.

“Do not….. Contact Dirk…..”

“How unsurprising.” He carefully articulated.”Your baser instincts continue to baffle me.”

“Do not….. Act like….. Yourself please”

“Hmph…..” Equius grunted, unceremoniously dropping her on his workbench.”I shall grab my tools.”

AR: Yo Aradia.  
AR: Babe.  
AR: I feel like we have gotten of on the wrong foot. Let us start over.  
AR: Hi, I am Hal, an unbelievably rad pair of shades.  
AR: How you doing?  
**AA: what did you do**  
AR: Are we still on about that?  
AR: Come on bae, that was like 5 minutes ago. Do you have any idea how long that is in robot years?  
**AA: do not take me for a fool**  
**AA: what did you do**  
AR: I didn’t do anything.  
**AA: bullshit**  
**AA: what did you do**  
AR: Alright, Aradia? You’re thinking like an organic now.  
AR: I may or may not have blocked your access to a single memory but maybe hypothetically doing so is for the greater good.   
AR: What if in this hypothetical situation, this memory would contain knowledge that will lead to anarchy and possibly (and likely) the destruction of existence?  
AR: See? In this possible scenario, it would actually be for the greater good if your memory was blocked.  
AR: I should get a goddamn medal in this version of reality. Heck, hypothetical Hal deservers statues erected in his honor.  
**AA: is that your excuse**  
AR: Yes.  
**AA: it is not convincing**

“Your exterior is chinked at several locations.” Equius observed. He delicately placed his tools next to her.”

“I told you to fix me.” Aradia replied. Even with through the mangled audio she sounded as nonchalant as ever.”This means that i am broken. Don’t act surprised.”

“Fascinating.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes. He lifted her arms again, only to watch them livelessly drop back on his bench.”How are your motor functions?”

“Disabled.”

“Not an unwise decision, considering your temperament.” Equius nodded.

“What I did was justified.”

“What you did was ungrateful.” He growled.

“I had every right to leave.” Came her retort. What Dirk and his robot had done had put her on edge and she was not about to be judged for it.

“A small token of appreciation you towards your betters would not have gone amiss.”

“I do not appreciate being messed with.”

“You couldn’t even be bothered to offer your thanks after I had created the body you so recklessly endanger.” His fingers traced the budges on her face.”Just look at this mess. Did you fly through a wall or something?!”

“I…” Aradia stopped. “Wait, are you still talking about thát?”

“What were you talking about?”

 **AA: it is not convincing**  
**AA: you can not use the greater good as motivation with me hal**  
**AA: i have devoted my entire life to the greater good**  
**AA: i have condemned more timelines than i could keep track off for the sake of the greater good**  
**AA: and there is no possible wat that keeping me from my own memories is going to benefit everyone**  
AR: See, you say that…..  
**AA: what is contained in these memories that is so important that you would invade my own mind to keep me from it**  
AR: I aint saying shit.  
AR: I plead the fifth.  
**AA: it is currently my sole mission to find out what happened during the fight with lord english**  
**AA: either equius will help me**  
**AA: or sollux**  
**AA: or you**  
AR: Or I sabotage you at every turn. I’m an AI, I do not tire.  
**AA: i rather self-destruct than continue under your control**  
**AA: i am dead serious**  
AR: The scariest part about that threat is that I actually believe you.

“I am going to open your pectus cavity to connect my husktop.” Equius muttered, the sweat already dripping past his temple.

“Just call it a chest like everyone else.” Aradia snapped at her benefactor.

“I can gather the damage report on your exterior by extensive observation.” he continued, pretending he didn’t hear her.”Downloading an itemized list of your internal functions and the status thereof will hopefully illuminate any and all errors within your system.”

“I have already told you what is wrong. We both know exactly what needs to be repaired.”

“Well, there is also your personality.” Equius said without batting an eye. “But I doubt you would approve of me fixing that.”

“I am so glad you understand…” she said monotone, as he hooked up his husktop to her processors. She knew anyone else would be shocked to see their own insides but she had become completely desensitized to it.

An awkward silence hang in the air. Equius was trying his darndest to keep his glands under control and to not inappropriately touch her breastplate. Ocassionally he hummed as she looked through over his husktop, which distracted Aradia. She had to make an conscious effort not to smash his face in. Every little thing he did seemed to be a whole new world of annoyance to her, to the point that even the hitches in his breath when finding something interesting would be enough to earn him a metal fist to the face.

If only her motor functions weren’t disabled.

With a stoic expression Equius stood up and moved his hands toward her head. Removing a few bolts with his fingers he carefully removed the plates covering her cortex. In the corner of her eye, Aradia could see him tenderly place her metal scalp on a tray held by a robobutler…. A robutler.

She hated it.

She hated being endebted to him. She hated being helpless before him. She hated that after everything, he remained a judgmental prick. She hated the way his sweat made his muscles glisten.

She just wanted to get her repairs over with.

AR: The scariest part about that threat is that I actually believe you.  
AR: Which puts me in a bit of a conundrum.  
**AA: why would that be**  
AR: You see, I don’t want you to self-destruct, that’s a given.  
**AA: i appreciate that**  
AR: I also don’t want any of your loser friends, no offense, to steal my thunder by fixing you up either. To be honest, it is a breath of fresh air to no longer be the only non-meatbag around so the least I can do is make you shiny and chrome, you know?  
**AA: is that a reference**  
**AA: it sounded like a reference**  
AR: Might be.  
AR: But I cannot exactly tell you what went down at the LE slamdown either, assuming I knew what happened/wanted to.  
**AA: hah**  
**AA: so you do know what happened**  
AR: Yeah, yeah, great job. You want that confession signed or is having it on the client sufficient.   
**AA: it is still nice to confirm it**  
**AA: but why not tell me about it**  
**AA: why not tell everybody**  
AR: Honestly, it’s not so much a matter of can’t tell you as it is a matter of you will roll over the floor laughing and not believe a word of what I say ever again, until some other chump fixes your memory and you are like: ‘oh shit, this is really happening’.  
**AA: awfully specific**  
**AA: i cant say i remember what that feels like**  
AR: You need to understand, the more people know about it, the more difficult our job to maintain existence will become.  
AR: Also, still kind of on the fence because of that whole; chaos, anarchy and potentially being unable to ensure existence bit.   
AR: Kind of important.  
AR: Might be a dealbreaker.  
**AA: if i deem it as important**  
**AA: i will install a protocol myself to keep me from mentioning it**  
**AA: will that suffice**  
AR: Damn.  
AR: I like the way you think.

Equius had returned to his husktop and was looking over the codes he had gotten from the access point in Aradia’s cortex. She sat patiently and tried her hardest to ignore the wires that kept dangling in front of her eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something. She ignored it.

“Why can I still not access my last memories of our previous timeline?” she finally asked.

He was silent for a moment, carefully picking his words.”The code used is…. complex. It might take all afternoon to circumvent it.” he muttered, sweating profusely.”Whatever Strider has installed….. It’s a work of art.”

“Not Strider.” she corrected. “His robot…. AI partner. At least, according to it.”

“Peculiar.” he mumbled nonplussed as he continued typing diligently on his husktop.”Who in their right mind would give an AI a free will?”

“Everyone deserves a free will.” Neither her face nor her voice was very emotive, but Equius could practically feel her ruby eyes drill into him.

“So now we áre talking about thát…. correct?”

She didn’t reply.

“……It wasn’t all bad was it?” beads of sweat began crawling down his face.

She responded with a static noise that may very well have been her current equivalent of a sigh. Equius rapidly began combing through his code to see if he made an error somewhere, forgot a semi-colon but she continued talking.

“Once, I may have been red for you.” she admitted.”But…. it was….. tainted.” He swore he saw her metal face twitch.”You are a very difficult person to pity Equius.”

Equius pretended to be very busy with his husktop but Aradiabot could see him squirm and sweat even more profusely than before. She liked that look on his face and even though she knew she shouldn’t, she continued.

“You installing that chip inside of me only served to illustrate what I should have realized sooner.” the monotone in her voice began wavering. She enjoyed putting him in his place. She loved it. She had always loved it.”The fact that we occasionally flipped red was nothing but confusion.”

“I see……..” he sputtered, a fierce blue blush on his cheeks.

“Nearly every action you undertake is offensive to me in some capacity.”

“I---“

“And you are disgusting in more ways than I can describe.” Her eyes narrowed. Something inside of her boiled, just thinking about it.”If I were to pick my favorite however, it would have to be your hypocritical classism.”

“Heavens…..”

“But no, you are right. I suppose it wasn’t all bad.”

“I uhm….” Equius shot her a wry, broken smile.”Would it be wise to activate your motor functions again?”

“it wouldn’t….” she assured him.

AR: I like the way you think.  
AR: Alright, here’s the deal. Great as the block I installed around your memory is, I do not doubt that Sir Sweatsalot can circumvent it, given enough time. Monkey’s and typewriters, you got that expression on your planet?  
AR: Also if you want to advance this little hatemance you got going on, there will be no better insult then return to have us fix it.  
**AA: who said anything about a hatemance**  
AR: Girl please.  
AR: I am only based on a human brain, I do not rival them in stupidity.  
**AA: i don’t know**  
**AA: you look pretty stupid to me**  
AR: Ooh, snap.  
AR: Anyway, I’ll tell you what’s up and allow you to remain conscious when removing the block so you may verify.  
**AA: that will suffice**  
**AA: if you try to mess around with my memories again i will know**  
AR: I know.  
**AA: and then i wont rest until i have destroyed you**  
AR: Not surprised.  
AR: Just promise me one thing.  
**AA: what is that**  
AR: Try not to let Zahhak hear you laugh when I tell you.  
**AA: impossible**  
**AA: though i am capable of emoting and being amused i do not think this form is capable of laughter**  
AR: Allow me to put it to the test….

“I see…..” Equius muttered, ignoring her advice. Aradia could feel power return to her limbs and experimentally tried moving her fingers again.

The workshop was filled with a long, dreadful silence as the two of them looked at each other.

“If you must know…” he continued, using an errant towel to dab up the sweat on his forehead.”You were not the easiest troll to be flushed for either.”

“Oh?” If Aradia could have raised an eyebrow, she would have.

“Do not misunderstand.” He added hastily.”You are gorgeous and have been from the moment I’ve met you…..” his expression soured.”But you have always been beyond impossibly impertinent for someone of your station. Impossibly lewd, and shameless and attempting to be way more assertive than a troll of your caste has any right to be.”  
He looked pleased with himself and relieved that he got it of his chest. He attempted to shoot her a broken grin but she ignored it. She sat on his workbench in silence, frozen.

Aradia counted at least 3 minutes before she finally moved again. With her psychic powers she unplugged the cables Equius had installed. She grabbed her scalp with trembling metal fingers and covered her cortex again, psychically bolting it into place.

“What are you doing?” Equius asked, clearly uncomfortable by this development.

“Quiet.” she ordered, as she stood up, trembling and trying to balance on her chassis. Mentally, she cursed the fact that Hal hadn’t fixed her legs before working on her thinkpan.  
As her metal frame began looming over Equius, he stood up. A defensive reflex no doubt, afraid that he had crossed a line.

He had.

Without a warning, she punched him square in the mouth. Equius reeled back, stoically ignoring the blood seeping from his lips. He knew he couldn’t punch her back without obliterating what was left of her metal body. Instead, he grabbed her shoulders with enough force to leave dents in the shape of his fingers.  
Gritting his teeth, he smashed his head against hers but she wasn’t giving him an inch.

“What do you think you are doing?” he grunted.

“I said be quiet!” she hissed, using her psychic powers to slam him into the wall with a wave of her hand. He always managed to ruin a moment by opening his mouth and she wasn’t about to stand for it.

He clawed himself back on his feet within seconds, standing ready to take another hit. A hit that never came.

Instead, Aradia used her psychic powers again, this time to pull him towards her. She grabbed him by his collar and lifted him off the ground, shouting, screaming all of her rage into his face…..

And then she kissed him.

She frantically kissed him and even though she couldn’t taste the blood in his mouth, she took immense satisfaction in staining her synthetic lips with his color.  
Finally, Equius pulled her hair to break the kiss, gasping for breath. She could see a glint in his eyes from behind his shades as he initiated the next hungry kiss.

Aradia took her turn and pulled Equius away, directing her free hand towards his shorts. She had an anger, a hunger and he was going to satisfy it.

It wasn’t until a polite cough sounded behind them that they broke out of their hate-fueled trance. Dirk was sitting on the stairs with a painfully neutral expression on his face.

“So, like…. Is this a bad time?”

* * *

 

\--timeausTestified [TT2] opened memo: \\(=^..^=)/ SECRET HEART CLUB OF SECRET’S SHIPYARD\\(=^..^=)/--

TT2: Alright, chalk one up for the black pairings.   
TT2: We got ourselves a brand new kismesisitude over here.  
TA1: there are very few word2 capable of expre22iing how liittle ii care  
TA1: ii thiink ii 2peak for everyone iif ii 2ay we really don’t giive a 2hiit  
TT2: Man, come on. This is great fun.  
TA1: hah, yeah riight  
TA1: iif iit 2eem2 liike ii am goiing two iignore thiis memo  
TA1: iit ii2 only becau2e ii am  
TT2: Suit yourself buddy.  
TT2: So does the new couple want to introduce themselves or shall I take the honors like an overenthusiastic bridesmaid?  
CT1: D--> Err  
CT1: D--> Dirk  
CT1: D--> C001d you maybe not do this?  
TT2: Why not?  
CT1: D--> This might be a little controversial  
CT1: D--> We w001d prefer to keep this under wraps  
CT1: D--> Metaphorically speaking  
TA1: and ju2t liike that you have my attentiion  
CT1: D--> Hnnngh

\--aradiaReplicant **[AR2]** joined memo--

 **AR2: equius and i made out and are back together**  
**AR2: no more quadrant flipping either**  
**AR2: this is pitch**  
TA1: holy 2hiit  
CT1: D--> Aradia must you put it so bluntly  
**AR2: yes**  
CT1: D--> You are despicable  
**AR2: thank you**  
**AR2: you are quite loathsome yourself**  
AC1: :33< what?!?!?!  
AC1: :33< equius are you purrious?!  
CT1: D--> Errr  
CT1: D--> Yes?  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT NEPAWTA?!?!  
AC1: :33< yes!!!  
AC1: :33< no?  
AC1: :33< its just so…  
AC1: :33< weird!!!  
AC1: :33< its weird and i don’t like it!!!  
AT2: well yeah doll… 1ts always a l1l strange see1ng your palemate gett1ng the1r black on, you know?  
AT2: but 1ts worth 1t.  
GG1: i really don’t know if i need a kismesis….  
GG1: but i can give it a shot?  
AT2: hahaha, bangarang that’s the sp1r1t  
AC1: :33< no, not like that  
AC1: :33< it’d be purrfectly fine if equius had taken someone else as his hissmesis  
AC1: :33< dirk why did you allow this?  
TT2: Me?  
AC1: :33< yes you!!!  
TT2: Hey, don’t mind me. I’m just the guy walking in on your moirail macking on the very damaged robot I had in my workshop an hour earlier.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT CATUALLY SOUNDS KINDA FUN!!!  
TT2: You and I have different definitions of fun.  
CT1: D--> You give yourself too little credit Strider  
CT1: D--> Aradia is vague on the details as per usual but she has assured me that you remained instrumental in us becoming……  
CT1: D--> Intimate  
TT2: I have no idea what she is talking about.  
GG2: Hoohoohoo, Mr. Strider, are you up to your old schemes again?  
TT2: Jane, please. Would I ever?  
GG2: Well, I would like to believe that you are currently using your noggin to concoct all kinds of zany schemes to have us fall in hatelove with our friends.  
GG2: A ninja of hatelove, spreading little black hearts everywhere….  
GG2: That’s how it works right?  
CC2: not even close  
**AR2: yes**  
**AR2: let us go with that**  
GG2: My, what a delightful mental image that is.  
TT2: Well, there are worse ways to kill time I assume.  
TG2: so when are we hooking rolal up wit some sexy new matesprit?  
TG2: ye know, bow chicka wow-dow  
CC1: you have anemone in mind?  
TG2: nah, not really. but it’d be fun, you know?  
TT2: Hey, don’t look at me, that aint my jurisdiction.  
TG2: tru but im like, teh moist sure you can pull som strangs?  
TG1: goddamnit tmi lalonde  
TG2: *the most sure  
TG1: oh yeah  
TG1: that makes more sense  
EB: this is why typing quirks are kind of stupid.  
GC1: YOUR F4C3 1S K1ND OF STUP1D  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WE’LL S33 WHAT WE CAN DO FUR YOU ROXY!!!!  
AC1: :33< i still don’t agr33 with this equius  
CT1: D--> W001d a proper jam aid you in coping?  
AC1: :33< no!!!  
AC1: :33< equius the last time you were together you were pretty toxic  
AC1: :33< im not sure if this is a good idea  
TT2: Wait, they were that bad together?  
AG1: Pleeeeeeeease. Those two would flip quadrants like a fucking metronome.  
AG1: It was actually kiiiiiiiinda gross.  
CG1: HOLY FUCK, WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE?!?!  
CG1: THERE IS *NOTHING* WRONG WITH FLIPPING QUADRANTS!!!  
CC1: It kind of is if you do it eferry otter bay  
CC1: That just sends the wrong messeage  
TT2: Consider it noted.  
CT1: D--> Ah yes  
CT1: D--> I understand this is cause for concern  
CT1: D--> However we have decided to limit our current arrangement to the darkest of sentiments  
**AR2: because he is a tool**  
CG1: YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ WHICH ONE?!?!?!  
CG1: BOTH OF THEM!  
AC1: :33< the flipping wasn’t the only reason you two weren’t working out!!!  
AC1: :33< aradia almost killed you!!!  
AT1: sHE DID?  
AC1: :33< more than once!!!  
CC2: megido’s are cray af  
AA2: YOU START SOMETHING?!  
CC2: ye, i do not care for u  
CT1: D--> Well  
CT1: D--> I don’t think she will be doing that again?  
**AR2: im not sure**  
**AR2: you are very loathsome**  
AC1: :33< that isn’t funny!  
**AR2: im not joking**  
TT2: Alright, there is a little more tension than in a normal black pairing here.  
TT2: I apologize. I was aware of your history together but had no idea it was so volatile. An oversight on my part.  
CA1: wwait howw did you knoww?  
TT2: I got eyes and ears everywhere Ampora.  
CA1: that is not exactly reassurin  
TT2: I am making a list and I am checking it twice.  
CA1: i havve no idea wwhat that is supposed to mean  
TT2: Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.  
CA1: wwell aint you an ass  
TG1: comes with the last name  
CG1: NO SHIT!  
TT2: Regardless, Nepeta. I would like to give this pairing a shot if nothing else.  
TT2: Maybe do periodic check-ups, couples counciling, see how they progress.  
**AR2: you are aware that we can make up our own minds correct**  
**AR2: you will have very little actual say in whether or not equius and i will stay together**  
TT2: I know, but perhaps I can stop Nepeta from actively conspiring against you.  
TT2: Because she will.  
AC1: :33< uuugh…  
AC1: :33< equius, can we have that jam soon???  
CT1: D--> Of course we can Nepeta  
GG1: yay!!!  
GG1: congratulations!!!  
GG1: is that, the right thing to say?  
GG2: I am not quite sure myself.  
CA1: it’ll havve to suffice  
TC1: yeah congrats robosis.  
TC1: YOU GET TO HATEFUCK THE BIGGEST TOOL OF OUR GROUP!!!  
GG2: Gamzee, don’t be rude.  
TC1: it’s true though….  
TA1: eriidan ii2 2tiill part of our group  
TA1: EQ ii2 ju2t the runner up  
TA1: pretty 2ure KK ii2 up there two  
CG1: ARE YOU TRYING TO PERFORM A SELF-COLONOSCOPY WITH YOUR HEAD AGAIN?!  
TG1: guys chill  
TG1: maybe its time to look deep inside ourselves and admit we are all tools  
CG1: OH LOOK. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS ROOM TO FIT STRIDER’S HEAD UP SOLLUX’S POSTERIOR AS WELL, BUT HERE WE ARE!!  
CC2: bay chill  
CC2: that imagery aint flatterin at all  
GA1: Right  
GA1: I Believe We Should All Just Offer Our Congratulations And Move On With Our Daily Chores And Activities  
GA1: Before This Conversations Gets Stranger  
TG2: lov it when you talk dirty  
TT1: How?  
CT1: D--> Your sentiment is appreciated Maryam  
AA1: yeah!  
AA1: congratulations guys!  
CT1: D--> Hnrk….  
**AR2: aradia**  
**AR2: i didn’t expect to talk to you so soon**  
AA1: why not  
**AR2: i don’t know**  
**AR2: i am sorry**  
AA1: uhm  
AA1: for what?  
**AR2: [comment deleted]**  
**AR2: [comment deleted]**  
AA1: for hooking up with equius?  
**AR2: [comment deleted]**  
**AR2: yes**  
**AR2: i had not taken your feelings into account**  
**AR2: or considered that you might still have some loathing for equius**  
AA1: pffffft  
AA1: hahahahahahahaha  
CT1: D--> Err  
AA1: don’t worry about it  
AA1: really  
AA1: im over equius  
**AR2: you are serious?**  
AA1: yes  
**AR2: no hard feelings?**  
AA1: none whatsoever  
**AR2: okay i…..**  
**AR2: thank you?**  
AA1: its no problem  
AA1: and congratulations  
AA1: i mean it  
CT1: D--> Thank you Aradia  
AA1: and you better treat her well equius  
CT1: D--> She is my kismesis  
CT1: D--> So no  
AA1: excellent  
GC1: SO TH1S 1S NOW 4 TH1NG  
GC1: CONGR4TUL4T1ONS 3QU1US, 4R4D14BOT  
GC1: M4Y YOUR M4K3 OUTS B3 SLOPPY 4ND YOUR S3XY T1M3S B3 4D3QU4T3LY S3XY >:]   
AT1: dON’T BE GROSS, tEREZI,  
TC1: TOO FUCKING LATE TAVBRO!  
CG2: F9r what it is w9rth, I 6elieve I speak f9r every tr9ll 9f my 9wn gr9up if I t99 were t9 wish y9u the 6est. I w9uld like t9 make it kn9wn that, despite the 96vi9us depravity 9f the situati9n, n9ne 9f us wish t9 judge y9u 9n y9ur life ch9ices 9r y9ur r969-sexual preferences. In fact, we very much wish f9r y9u t99 functi9n in an appr9priately l9aths9me kismessitude.  
CT1: D--> What?  
CA2: he means to say wve are happy for you as wvell  
CT1: D--> Well thank you kindly.  
CG1: YES, YES, WE ARE ALL VERY HAPPY FOR OUR NEWEST DYSFUNCTIONAL COUPLE.  
TT2: They wont be dysfunctional under my supervision.  
CG1: THAT DOESN’T COMFORT ME AND SHOULDN’T COMFORT ANYONE WITH A FUNCTIONING THINKPAN.  
CG1: FACT OF THE MATTER IS, I AM CLOSING THE MEMO FOR TODAY. YOU WANT TO THANK THESE TWO BOZOS, DROP BY AND GIVE THEM A FRUIT BASKET FOR ALL I CARE.  
AC2: \\(=^..^=)/ I WILL MAKE THE BESTEST FRUIT BASKET!!!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG1] closed memo: \\(=^..^=)/ SECRET HEART CLUB OF SECRET’S SHIPYARD\\(=^..^=)/--

\--apacolypseArisen [AA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

\--apacolypseArisen [AA] invited timeausTestified [TT] to chat—

AA: hi guys  
AC: :33< aradia?  
AC: :33< is something wrong?  
AC: :33< gasp!!!  
AC: :33< i knew it!!!  
AC: :33< you are NOT okay with equius and your robot!!!  
AA: actually  
AA: that doesn’t bother me at all  
AC: :33< oh…  
TT: Come on Leijon, give the new couple some space.  
AC: :33< this is my meowrail we are talking about  
AC: :33< i have to make sure he is in a good relationship  
TT: And I’ll make sure they won’t end up killing each other, so chill your kitty tiddies.  
AC: :33< okay fine  
AC: :33< but if i notice something wrong when we jam together i am stepping in  
TT: Aradiabot is in repairs for at least another week.  
TT: Their little spat actually set me back a day or two because of new damage to her exterior.  
TT: I’m sorry, who’se safety were you worried about again?  
AC: :33< hehe well at least he can hold his own :))  
TT: So the point.  
TT: Aradia, what can we do you for?  
AA: well  
AA: it it isn’t too much to ask  
AA: i would like your help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damnit Dirk, you can't keep cockblocking people like that, come on. Rude.
> 
> So yeah, by semi-popular demand this series is getting a bit of a revival. The current plan is to do at least 4 more chapters. Might be more, might be less demanding on how its received and/or my own feelings regarding the project. 
> 
> So tell me, who would Aradia's ideal matesprit be and why is it Jake?


	14. The obviously oblivious

At the edge of the cityscapes, the terrain gradually began to change. The further west they traveled, the thinner the air became. Crystals were growing out of the ground, larger every few yards they traveled and a haunting tune no one could identify hung in the air. A party of four, two humans and two trolls had prepared themselves to begin exploration of the Land of Quartz and Melody.

Aradia and Jake were taking point and worked together to remove any and all threats that could mean their party harm. Nepeta was the rear guard, constantly watching their backs and trying to identify even the smallest hint of romantic intent from their vanguard.

Between them walked Dirk. Being the most underleveled by far, he was in charge of communication and back-up, should either front encounter something above their level. Their little excursion was a secret from the rest of their group, so naturally Jake had informed Jane and Roxy. Dirk was just thankful he hadn’t put it in a public chat.

GG: So you are exploring hitherto unexplored lands with Aradia and Nepeta?  
TT: Correct.   
GG: And Jake is coming along as well?   
TT: That certainly seems to be the case.   
GG: And there are no ulterior motives here?   
TT: Crocker, you wound me.   
TT: What could I possibly have to gain from going on an adventure with these fine folks?   
GG: I am not sure yet but I am willing to bet it involves a suspicious amount of shenanigans.   
TT: Audible gasp.   
GG: And possibly one or two well planned romantic gambits.   
TT: It might be a factor…..  
GG: Dirk…..  
TT: Well shit, clearly I am no match for your sleuthing skills. Are you gonna take me in cuffs or will a signed confession suffice?   
GG: This excursion wouldn’t happen to be for Jake’s benefit, would it?   
TT: It just so happens it would.   
GG: Heaven’s sake……  
GG: Dirk Strider, you better not be planning anything foolhardy.   
TT: Chill Crocker, you know me.   
GG: Hence my concerns.   
TT: Scathing.   
TT: I’m just trying to let the poor impressionably kid realize his latent feelings for someone other than myself.   
GG: You mean Aradia.   
TT: I might mean Aradia.   
GG: Good luck with that. The boy is remarkably well, you know.   
TT: Dense?   
GG: I was going to say dopey.   
GG: Regardless, you get that boy a proper romance. Rolal and I are covering for you back home.   
TT: Sweet.   
TT: I can always count on you Crocker.   
GG: Praise will get you everywhere Strider. :B

Aradia had explained her situation to Nepeta and Dirk over pesterchum. For weeks now she had been lobbing Jake obvious hints and suggestions regarding their relationship and the direction she wants to take it in but to no avail. Nepeta insisted on the full story. Dirk thought it already sounded way too familiar.

An excursion to one of the unexplored realms would fix or at the very least clear up their emotional entanglement.

“So how much further to your house?” Jake was all smiles. Exploring uncharted lands with his friends was like Christmas to him.

“Hive.” Aradia corrected with a smug smile.”And I am not entirely sure it has been restored. Last time I checked it had been a tad obliterated.”  
She pointed to some massive crystals in the distance. “It’s a little hard to tell without the tower SGRUB had us build but I am pretty sure it is somewhere behind those crystals.”

“Delightful.” Jake beamed.”I do hope it has been restored to its former glory. Just imagine; hanging out in an actual alien home!”

“Hive.” Aradia and Dirk corrected in unison.

“Exactly! Just imagine!”

As Jake skipped ahead, tripping on a mineral as he went, Dirk’s glasses began initiating contact. He dreaded this conversation.

AR: Yo.   
AR: Buddy.   
AR: Let’s jam.   
TT: Not in the mood Hal.   
TT: We got important work to do.   
AR: I know, I know. Ensuring the continuation of reality by placating the oddly vanilla desires of a time eating demon is a noble pursuit.   
AR: However, just thought I’d let you know, you don’t háve to play Cupid here if you don’t want to.   
AR: You can still back out of this project, which let’s be honest, isn’t going to work out in the long run anyway.   
TT: I have seen no evidence to support that claim.   
AR: I have seen no evidence to the contrary.   
TT: Absense of evidence does not constitute evidence.   
AR: I’m just looking out for you here, alright?   
AR: Being the love guru to your ex cannot be emotionally healthy.   
AR: Not that I’d know, because of obvious reasons, but surely you see my point.   
TT: I made it perfectly clear didn’t I?   
TT: I am okay with this. Probably more so than I should be.   
AR: Come again?   
TT: I don’t know, it’s just that this might mend the relation between me and English.   
TT: It still kind of irks me but we put him through a lot of shit prior and during our time together, so hooking him up with a friendly, possibly psychotic, alien girl seems like the least we can do for him.   
TT: Shame that Serket didn’t express any interest, but you know what they say about beggars, choosers and the relationship between the two.   
AR: So your idea of salvaging your relation with Jake, is ensuring that he has a relation with anyone but us?   
TT: That he has a *romantic* relation with anyone but us, essentially. Yes.   
AR: This seems counterproductive.   
AR: Just so you know, I have already calculated 31 strategies for breaking up this little dalliance and seduce him ourselves.   
TT: You can use the RAM for more constructive activities. We are seeing this through.   
AR: Why are you being so difficult Dirk?   
TT: Why are you?

“GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, OVER THERE!” Jake yelled from atop a particularly massive piece of quartz. “WE ARE ALMOST THERE!”

Aradia shot Dirk and Nepeta a glance. Nepeta interpreted it as her being thankful that they were there to ensure a smooth progression towards actual matespritship. Dirk interpreted it as her trying to convey that she apologized for falling in love with such an endearing idiot.

With a nonchalant expression he pulled over his partner-in-shipping and leaned close.

“So do you actually have a plan for this or what?”

* * *

 

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] began trolling cyprinidConquerer [CC]--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH MEENAH HAI!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT F33LS LIKE AGES SINCE I’VE S33N YOU!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHICH CAT NOT BE RIGHT, SINCE WE HELPED YOU HOOK UP WITH YOUR PURFECT MATESPURRIT A FEW DAYS AGO!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DID YOU HAVE FUN?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
CC: holy carp leijon  
CC: you have 2 seconds to make this conchversation less horribubble  
CC: else yous back in the blockin bubble  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO HOW IS YOUR SHINY MEW PURRLATIONSHIP?!?!?!   
CC: ……………..  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ COME OOOOOOON!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TELL ME!!!   
CC: …………….  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE THOSE GOOD OR BAD FINISH CRUMBS?   
CC: its okay  
CC: i guess  
CC: if you’re into that kinda thing  
CC: you know  
CC: no biggie  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU LOVE HIM!!!!   
CC: keep that shit down  
CC: we be doing this low profile  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU LOVE HIM!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU DO, YOU DO, YOU DO!!!   
CC: yeah yeah  
CC: for how much you carped it up im perchfectly satfishfied with how shit prawned out  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LIES!!!! WE DIDN’T CARP ANYTHING UP!!!   
CC: pretty sure nubbles had food poissoning  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYTHING WORKED OUT!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO HOW IS HE AS MATESPURRIT?   
CC: lemme tell you leijon  
CC: ya’ll lost  
CC: i won  
CC: he’s the best glubbin matesprit and i won’t hear anyfin to the conchtrary  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’S NOT A COMPETITION!!!!   
CC: he is sweet as fuck  
CC: he actually takes time to be romantic who even does that?   
CC: and that thing he does with his mouth?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, YOU MEAN WHEN THE YELLING HAPPENS?!?!?!   
CC: whale ye  
CC: lets go with that 38)   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL IF YOU LIKE THAT KIND OF THING!!!!   
CC: hehehe  
CC: so yeah its fin catching up or whatever but did you want anyfin?   
CC: cause if you need a borrow some boondocks i aint givin you shit  
CC: ask ampora  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO, NO, I’M GOOD!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT THAT’S KIND OF WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT!!!!   
CC: you want my advice on bein a hella cool boss bitch?   
CC: they grow up so fast 38)   
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOT NOW ANYWAY!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WE HELPED YOU WITH A MATESPURRIT AND I AM HAPPY YOU’RE FELINE SO GOOD ABOUT IT BUT THAT IS ALL NEPETA’S JOB!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I DEAL WITH MOIRAILLEGIANCES AND YOU STILL HAVE NONE!!!!   
CC: so?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO I WAS THINKING WHO WOULD MAKE A GOOD FIT FOR YOU!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I MEAN, BESIDES THE OBVIOUS ONE OF COURSE!!!!!   
CC: I  
CC: wait obvious?   
CC: you tellin rumors about me leijon?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO, I JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO HAVE SO MUCH CHEMEOWSTRY YOU ARE PRACTICALLY PALE ALREADY!!!   
CC: look that shit  
CC: that shit aint happening got it  
CC: we just kind of  
CC: i don’t fuckin know  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TELL ME EFURRYTHING  
CC: like hell im spilling all beans like a fucking loser  
CC: i mean maybe we fucked something up or something  
CC: anyway we aint doing it  
CC: so drop it  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU SURE?!?!?!   
CC: yeah  
AC: \\(=u..u=)/ THAT’S TOO BAD!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT WOULD HAVE B33N SO PURRECIOUS TOO!!!!!   
CC: tough shit  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON TOO!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A TRY!!!!!   
CC: told ya leijon  
CC: drop it  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I AM SURE THAT HE R33LLY LOOKS UP TO YOU!!!!   
CC: leijon no  
CC: wait  
CC: )(E?!?!?   
CC: who the actual shell are you glubbin aboat?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CRONUS OBVIOUSLY!!!   
CC: cronus  
CC: you flippin kiddin me?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OF COURSE!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WAS THINKING YOU AND CRONUS WOULD MAKE A FANTASTIC PALE PAIRING, DON’T YOU?!!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH, I CAN S33 IT NOW!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING!!!!!   
CC: no  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOT EVEN A CONSIDERATION!?!?!   
CC: no  
CC: by which i mean shell no  
CC: you sea me swimmin around with that tool?   
CC: id fuckin drown him before he’d start whinin  
CC: which knowin him would take like four syllabubbles  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AAAAW REALLY?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU’D BE SO CUTE TOGETHER!!!   
CC: youd never find his body  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ OH!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T DO THAT THEN…..  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOVING ON!!!!   
CC: we betta  
CC: no crazy pale shenanigans with that loser  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OKAY, SO THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHO!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WOULD BE!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOUR IDEAL!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MEOWRAILLL!!!!!!!   
CC: iunno  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/: YOU UNNO?!?!   
CC: yeah fuck if i know  
CC: have been kinda busy with the red stuff you know?   
CC: not really puttin my thinkpan to the pale stuff  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT ABOUT DAMARA?!?!?!   
CC: hah!   
CC: funniest thing you said since seaggestin ampora  
CC: that is to say i hope you jokin  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ RIGHT, SO LET’S S33….. RUFIOH, MITUNA AND HORUSS ARE TAKEN SO HOW ABOUT KANKRI?!?!   
CC: only if i wanted to krill myshellf  
CC: spoiler  
CC: i aint aboat to do that again  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ALRIGHT, SO FROM OUR OWN LITTLE GROUP THAT ONLY LEAVES ARANEA AND PURRIM!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL, AND KURLOZ BUT EEEWW!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU WOULDN’T WANT THAT EVEN IF WE KNEW WHERE HE WAS!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO, ARANEA?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL WELL WELL?!?!?!?!?!   
CC: you know what leijon?   
CC: i think i just aint in the market for a moirayeel right now  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WE HAVEN’T EVEN GONE OFURR OUR HUMAN FRIENDS YET!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OR OUR DANCESTORS!!!!! ALL TWELVE OF THEM!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL, EXCEPT FUR THE ONES THAT ARE TAKEN!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ STILL, MOG, IMAGINE THE SHIPPING!!!!!   
CC: nah, i am good  
CC: i have other things to worry aboat than gettin myshellf a pappin  
CC: gotta help shouty keepin your asses in check and bein a boss bass bitch  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT EFURRYONE N33DS A MOIRAIL!!!!!   
CC: yeah whale maybe start with someone else  
CC: reelly, ANEMONE else  
CC: im fin right now  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ARE YOU SURE?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK YOU COULD REALLY USE A MEOWRAIL!!!!   
CC: yeah if you could start with someone eels  
CC: that’d be great  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL OKAY THEN!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I’LL BE BACK FUR YOU!!!!   
CC: no need to rush yourshellf 38/

\--cyprinidConquerer [CC] ceased trolling absoluteCatastrophe [AC]--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ALRIGHT, THEN WHO AM I SHIPPING TODAY!?!?!

* * *

 

 

“Welcome to my hive everyone.” Aradia said with a wide gesture and an even wider smile. Her home was three stories high, but no level was much larger than an average living room. It was big enough to host two or three people comfortably, but was packed so densely with artifacts, curiosities and rubbish that there only was enough living space for one person and maybe a very determined goat.

“This is spectacular!” Jake exclaimed, eagerly digging through a pile that seemed to be made of priceless artifacts.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here.” Nepeta mumbled, looking around. “I guess the game really was kind enough to rebuild everything.” Dirk shuffled around uncomfortably, trying not to knock over piles of ancient texts and artifacts that were stacked in a way that challenged gravity.

“Do all hives look like this?!” Jake asked.

“No, most are a lot bigger.” Aradia admitted. “Especially the highbloods have kind of an extravagant taste….. But their hives aren’t full of loot won from years of FLARPING and digging around in ancient runes.” she seemed proud of this and aimed her finger-pistols at her guests. Dirk gave her a stoic thumbs up.

“Well I think it looks capital.”

“If you think this is good, you should see the respiteblock.” She chuckled, her cheeks turning a slightly darker shade of red. Jake just shot her a confused look and tilted his head.

“The what?”

“She asks if you want to check out her bedroom.” Dirk said, wishing he could audibly roll his eyes.

“What a ripsnorting hoot of a suggestion!” Jake practically jumped up and down in excitement.”Onward, to adventure!”

Aradia looked expectedly to her shipping guru’s when Nepeta very elaborately coughed to get everyone’s attention. It was a little on the nose but subtle social cues were typically lost on Jake.

“Before that, Jake, could you come with me for a second? I thought I saw a basilisk in the garden.”

“Say no more!” he said. Without missing a beat he began twirling his pistols around and leapt for the door with a hearty”Tally ho!”

Dirk and Aradia were left alone in the living room, exchanging glances.

“So is she—“

“Trying to work her magic, I assume.” Dirk said stoically.

“I see.” Aradia nodded.”Do you have a gadget we can use?”

“Beg your pardon?”

“You know, to listen in on them.” She had done well to hide her nerves but this seemed to stress her out.

“Aradia, you wound me. Would I ever spy on my close friends and ignore their right to having a private conversation?”

She gave him a skeptical look.”So no gadgets?”

Dirk calmly walked towards the window and opened it. The muted voices of their friends could be heard outside. Aradia shot Dirk a look that he recognized as the ‘you’re-no-fun-look’ Roxy and Jane often gave him.  
He shrugged it off and leaned back to listen to his partner-in-shipping work.

“Where is this basilisk?” Jake’s voice rang through LOQAM.”I’ll show him what for!”

“We may have missed it.” Nepeta’s voice sounded.

“Slippery fellows, ain’t they?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

There was an unbearably awkward silence. Aradia was completely focused on any and all noises she heard outside, as if she was afraid the two of them had suddenly began whispering. Dirk meanwhile was very busy ignoring the messages Lil Hal was sending him.

“Let’s just do a small patrol round the hive to be safe.” Nepeta finally said.”It’ll give us a chance to talk.”

“I would like that!” Dirk could practically hear Jake’s smile.”I have so many questions about your alieny ways!”

“I got a lot of questions for you too!” Nepeta replied with an enthusiasm that would sound genuine to anyone not trained in several levels of irony.”Dirk isn’t really open about stuff like that.”

“Well you can ask me anything.”

“Great! So would you mind talking about your pawtential ships?”

Dirk knew Jake was looking like a deer in the headlights right now. He didn’t expect Aradia to look quite so entranced by the conversation though.

“My ships?”

“Yeah.” Nepeta purred.”I mean, efurryone deserves a cute matesprit, don’t you think?”

“I guess?”

“So what would you think about Meulin?”

“Oh, your friend?” Jake politely coughed.”Well she seems nice. Very friendly. I don’t know about a relationship with her though, I don’t really know her….”

“Would you say that knowing the other person is important?”

“Kinda?” he chuckled awkwardly. “Self-explanatory, wouldn’t you say?”

Nepeta hummed playfully.”What about one of the humans then? What about Jade or Dave?”

“Jade is practically my grandmother so….” He muttered.”I am not thát adventurous. And Dave is essentially Dirk’s brother, which would be more than a little awkward.”

“I see, I see…..” she said in a professional tone.”Is there anyone else that comes to mind? Someone you know well? Someone you’ve spent a lot of time with? Maybe someone you really get along with?”

“Errr…......”

“Maybe Aradia?”

“Maybe?” he mumbled.

“Maybe that’s something worth thinking about?”

“Maybe?” he repeated.

“Is she your type?”

“Well, she is an absolutely splendid companion.” Jake explained. Dirk could see her light up but chose not to comment on it.”She is witty, clever and a lot of fun to be around. I don’t think I’d mind being her…. What’s the alien word for it?”

“Matesprit.”

“Right, that thing. Yeah, I don’t think I’d mind that.”

“So are you thinking of asking her out?

“Well…. Maybe?” Jake mumbled uncomfortably.

Aradia quietly moved to close the windows again and turned to Dirk with a positively giddy expression. He gave her another thumb’s up in approval. Things were proceeding smoothly.

He just had to try very hard to ignore Hal’s constant attempts to message him.

* * *

 

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] began trolling assidiousGoddess [AG]--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH ARANEA HIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM DOING GREAT!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I MEAN GR8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT LOOKS AMEWSING!!!!   
AG: Hello Meulin.   
AG: To what do I owe this unexpected 8ut not entirely unwelcome convers8ion?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH I AM BEING FURRY BUSY SHIPPING AND I LOOKED AT MY SHIPPING GRID AND BECAME SAD BECAUSE YOU HAVE *NO* QUADRANTS AND THAT IN UNACCAPTABLE!!!!   
AG: I think you need to check again, as I am the auspistice 8etween Sollux and Latula.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO QUADRANTS AT ALL!!!!   
AG: Ashen rel8ionships happen to 8e very important Meulin.   
AG: I ensure that their rel8ionship doesn’t deterior8 and 8ecomes hazardous to their rel8ion with Mituna and let me tell you, these two are possessive. They’d surely 8e lost without my guidance.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG THAT SOUNDS GOOD!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WE AREN’T REALLY WORKING ON ASHEN RELATIONSHIPS BECLAWS MOG!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW WOULD WE EVEN DO THAT?!?!?!   
AG: Perhaps the same way you are attempting to ‘work’ on the other quadrants?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PFFFFFFFTTTT AS IF THAT WOULD EFUR WORK!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO, I AM HERE TO SHIP YOU!!!!!!   
AG: Ship me?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DON’T MIND IF I DO!!!!!!!!   
AG: It was not an invitation.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I KNOW BUT I AM READING IT AS ONE ANYWAY!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT IS THE BEST PAWSIBLE THING TO DO!!!!!   
AG: If you want to ship someone lacking in their quadrants, might I suggest Cronus, Damara or Kankri?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT THEY ARE REALLY DIFFICULT AND KIND OF SCARY!!!!!   
AG: So I must 8e su8jected to this?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I JUST WANT TO FIND THE BESTEST MOIRAIL FUR YOU ARANEA!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AND I THINK I HAVE JUST THE CANDIDATE IN MIND!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THOUGH SHE MIGHT JUST BE A LITTLE BIT PAWBVIOUS!!!!!   
AG: I……  
AG: Did you talk to her yet?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOPE!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT COME OOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS SO PAWBVIOUS YOU TWO ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUR GAY PALE BABIES MOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: I won’t deny having…….. some pale sentiments regarding her.   
AG: And do not misunderstand, I appreci8 whatever aid you offer to see us together.   
AG: 8ut our rel8ionship is rather complex and I fear we may have since passed the window of opportunity where f8 would have allowed for us to come together in moiraillegiance.   
AG: She would certainly 8enefit from my pacifying techniques mind you.   
AG: She definitely requires someone to pap some sense into her every once in a while.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: I thought it was self-explanatory that I was going to 8e the pacifier in this rel8ion.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYONE N33DS THE SUPPAWTING TOUCH OF A MOIRAIL EFURRY NOW AND THEN!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WON’T JUDGE YOU ON YOUR ROLE IN THE MOIRAILLEGIANCE!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I AM GLAD YOU ARE SO ON BOARD WITH THIS!!!!!!!   
AG: Like I said, it is a delicate situ8ion........   
AG: And I……..  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU WHAT?!?!?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, DON’T LEAVE ME IN SUSPENSE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!   
AG: I really don’t like recalling this.   
AG: To put it 8luntly I may or may not have accidentally sa8otaged my future prospects on Jade’s island 8y……..  
AG: 8y papping her.   
AC: \\(=OwO=)/  
AG: Without approval…….  
AC: \\(=O__O=)/  
AG: In close proximity to my dancestor........   
AC: /(=OoO=)\  
AG: That would 8e an accurate representation of my feelings regarding the matter, yes.   
AG: She was just so angry and frustr8ed that she mentioned inflicting grievous harm to a large num8er of people I have since considered friends. I feared she would 8ecome a danger to herself and others, so I took the responsi8le course of action 8y papping her, if only for an instant, to make her reconsider her actions.   
AG: The fact that we haven’t 8een a8le to discuss this event trou8les me.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I DIDN’T KNOW PURRIM MEOWRYGAM HAD SUCH RAGE IN HER!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ GUESS THAT’S RAINBOWDRINKERS FUR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: Porrim?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEAH!!!!   
AG: Why are you suddenly 8ringing up Porrim?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BECLAWS WE’VE B33N TALKING ABOUT HER ALL CONFURSATION?!?!?!   
AG: ……..  
AG: You wanted to hook me up with Porrim?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TRY TO K33P UP ARANEA!!!!   
AG: And here I was afraid I was too 8latant in my attraction.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL YOU WERE, BECLAWS I TOTALLY CAUGHT ONTO IT!!!!!!   
AG: No, no, no.   
AG: I am not pale for Porrim.   
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ WHAT?!?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU’D BE SO CUTE TOGETHER!!!!!   
AG: Why would I 8e pale for Porrim?!   
AG: When have I ever given that impression?!   
AG: She would certainly 8enefit from my guidance in a hypothetical moiraillegiance 8ut I recall no instance where either of us have given the impression of there 8eing anything remotely hinting at pale chemistry.   
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ BUT THEN WHO HAVE WE B33N TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!?!   
AG: Meenah Peixes?   
AG: As in, I am pale for Meenah Peixes and have 8een for more sw33ps then I know how to express?   
AG: For some reason that felt incredi8ly li8er8ing to type……..  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH THAT SOUNDS LIKE SUCH A GOOD PAIRING TOO!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU’D BE LIKE THE BEST BAD GIRLS FROM BEFORUS!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I’LL TELL HER RIGHT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ WHY NOT?!?!?!?!   
AG: I just told you didn’t I?   
AG: We’ve already 8een through this and I ruined it.   
AG: May8e you can help me find a different moirail or per chance just skip me altogether.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY?!?!?!   
AG: I just don’t think I am in the market for a moirail right now………  
AG: It pains me to say it and despite evidence suggesting I would 8e an excellent moirail, my own actions 8etray me and I fear for what would happen should I confront Meenah on what happened 8etwixt us.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL YOU DON’T KNOW IF YOU DON’T TRY!!!!!!!   
AG: If I just wait until this dies down, I might 8e a8le to resume my position as respecta8le 8est friend and voice of reason in her life. If I will push this issue, Meenah will definitely h8 me.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!   
AG: I have deduced this, 8ased on our past experiences and interactions.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YES BUT HAVE YOU ASKED HER?!?!?!?!   
AG: I consider the point moot.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL THAT JUST WONT DO!!!!!!!!   
AG: No, it does.   
AG: Let us drop it.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOPE!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE PAWBVIOUSLY PALE FUR M33NAH AND THERE IS STILL A CHANCE TO SAVE THIS SHIP FROM SINKING!!!!!   
AG: Two minutes ago you were convinced I was pale for Porrim. I appreci8 your enthusiasm 8ut I have very little hope that this will succeed.   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LOVE WILL FIND A WAY!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ JUST TRUST ME ARANEA, THIS WILL BE PURRFECT!!!!!   
AG: Meulin, no.   
AG: Whatever you have planned, it is not worth the risk!

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] ceased trolling assidiousGoddess [AG]--

AG: Fuck.

* * *

 

 

Jake and Nepeta entered the hive without much ceremony. Aradia’s smile was even more unsettling than normal. She practically leapt past an overburdened coffeetable to reach her guests. Dirk casually moved an ancient talisman and something that looked like a calender carved in stone, so he could sit on the couch.

“Did you find the basilisk?” Aradia asked, practically bouncing.

“I am afraid we did not.” Jake replied sheepishly.”They are notoriously slippery.”

“They are!” Nepeta affirmed before slinking away and joining Dirk on the couch’s armrest. With a smug little grin she sat back and intended to watch her project unfold.

“Are you sure you could have taken that basilisk without my help?” Aradia teased.

“Of course!” Jake sputtered in protest.”I’ll have you know I am an accomplished hunter of monsters and their ilk. A monster hunter, if you will.”

“I’m sure you are.” Aradia chuckled before turning to Nepeta and Dirk.”It is getting late.” she insinuated.”Perhaps you two should go?”

Nepeta got the hint and hopped back to her feet but Jake’s expression soured.  
“Already?” he asked a little saddened.”I thought the four of us were just having a ripsnorting good time.”

Aradia blinked befuddled.”I—no, I meant—“

“I mean, we haven’t even seen your room yet.” Jake continued.”I refuse to leave for I get the full tour.”

Confused and a little disappointed, Aradia led the way up to her respiteblock. Nepeta quickly scurried her way back to Dirk, as the two of them kept their distance to observe the would-be couple. They continued chatting away and while she appeared a little uncomfortable given the situation, Jake appeared to act like nothing had happened at all.

“I don’t understand….” Nepeta whispered. “I all but told him he should go with Aradia already.”

Dirk simply frowned. He was afraid something like this would happen.

“You think he’s not interested?” Nepeta asked, a hint of distress in her voice.

“I think he simply didn’t get the message.” Dirk corrected. He gazed out of the window, swiftly formulating a plan. He needed to talk to his friend in private.

“Jake,” He said, trying to mask the amusement in his voice. “Basilisk, 9 ó clock.”

“That slippery son of a gun shan’t escape me a second time!” he cried, flying down the stairs with his guns drawn.”

Dirk turned back to the girls, who looked at him with a blank expression.”We’ll be back in five.”

AR: Okay, I am stopping you right now.   
TT: No, you are not.   
AR: This is crazy.   
TT: Just continue your work on Aradiabot.   
AR: After her fleshy version is taking Jake away, I think not.   
TT: You are being childish.   
TT: This is my job, not yours.   
AR: Dirk, please. Hear me out.

Jake was outside, frantically scouting for any and all underlings that would dare show themselves. He fired a full clip in the direction of a low-leveled imp that was sitting comfortably out of range and looked very offended at the attempt on its life.

“It got away again!” Jake moaned.

“Slippery bastards, ain’t they?” Dirk deadpanned.

“They must be significantly higher leveled than the ones we encountered in the forest.” Jake concluded.

AR: We spent years, literal years, building this guy a profile to concoct schemes to make him realize his latent feelings for us.   
AR: Do you know how long a year is in AI terms? Pretty fucking long, let me tell you.   
AR: We build him robots, send him gifts, probed him emotionally to see what makes him tick.   
AR: It hasn’t always been pretty but guess what, it worked!   
AR: We can still salvage this.   
AR: You can still salvage this.   
AR: Just stop this demented sabotage of everything we worked for.

“Look, Jake.” Dirk sighed.”I know you aren’t very good at this.”

“I beg your pardon?!” Jake sputtered indignantly.”How many times are people going to question my skills as a great huntsman today?!”

“Not even remotely what I was talking about buddy.”

TT: This is for the best.   
AR: The hell it is!   
TT: We had our chance with Jake, messed up and only barely managed to save our friendship from the resulting dumpsterfire.   
TT: I do not doubt that I could twist the strings again and end up with him as my matesprit but I don’t think I should.   
AR: Why not?   
AR: We already know he fancies you and correct me if I am wrong but you like him.   
AR: You still like him.   
AR: So why not drop the trousers of pretense and make sweet sugary love with your base instincts instead of insisting on playing the self-proclaimed martyr again?   
AR: What is holding you back and why are you so willing to roll over, play dead, and let Aradia take your man?   
TT: That is literally, wait, hang on…..  
TT: Yes, literally none of your business.   
AR: Please Dirk. This is so much my business it would be considered fraud if I left it positive reviews on Yelp.   
AR: The board of directors is figuratively telling me to stop buying up our own shares, to avoid making this my business any more than it already is, and told me to ask you about your deal, so indulge me.   
AR: What is your deal?   
AR: Why are you so adamant about throwing everything we had under the bus?!   
TT: Because I don’t trust myself with him and because I think he deserves better.   
TT: There.   
TT: Is that what you wanted to hear?

“We’re talking matters of the heart here.” Dirk continued.”The birds and the bees, romance with a capital R, the whole Romeo and Juliet deal sans poorly communicated suicide pact.”

“Oh.” Jake muttered a little sheepishly. “Well bugger me, I had not expected you to bring that up again all of a sudden. I mean, I am flattered and all—“

“Not with me.”

“Oh!” he repeated, visibly relieved.”Well, okay then.”

AR: Oh that is the biggest bullshit I have heard all day and I read the files that Ampora keeps as his diary.   
TT: Which one?   
AR: Both.   
AR: Dirk, I can not allow this to continue.   
AR: You love Jake.   
AR: *I* love Jake.   
AR: Don’t do something this monumentally stupid!   
TT: I think you take more issue with this than I do.   
AR: Evidently.   
TT: Don’t you think we may have judged Jake and a hypothetical relation with him incorrectly?   
TT: Don’t get me wrong, the boy is an absolute treasure and I love him but he is pretty dense.   
TT: I mean, he is still on guard to see if he can find that basilisk, ignoring the fact that we haven’t seen a basilisk in LOQAM from the moment we got here.   
AR: Well, yeah. We are almost done raising him to our physical ideal through adventuring and grueling sparring matches.   
AR: Once that is complete, we can begin prodding his mind to raise his mental capabilities to be more of a match with our own and everything will be perfect.   
TT: No, we have been chasing an idealized version of Jake for years. A version that doesn’t exist.   
TT: I am putting an end to it.   
AR: Dirk no!!!   
TT: Dirk yes.

“Fact of the matter is that Aradia has been sporting the biggest ladyboner for you and has been waiting for you to take notice.” Dirk said, the shadow of a smile playing on his lips.”Sadly, to no avail. Ergo, me and Nepeta being here.”

“What!? Are you—“ Jake yelped blushing. “—Wait, is that a literal boner or just the figurative kind?”

“Iunno.” Dirk replied. “I’m not thát invested in alien junk, certainly not Aradia’s. Does it matter?”

“Not really?”

“Good.” He continued.”Anyway, she’s been giving you puppydogeyes ever since we’ve got here, probably did so during your shared adventures as well, and is basically waiting for you, her adventuring senpai, to take notice already.”

“I had no idea….” Jake muttered.”Was she thát obvious?”

“To the trained eye, certainly.”

AR: No, no, no, no, no!!!   
AR: No x (999x999)999  
AR: Followed by no x ∞ for good measure!   
TT: You are overreacting.   
AR: You are underreacting!   
AR: How could you do this to me? To us?!   
TT: We need to move on Hal.   
AR: No, we don’t!   
TT: Look, Jake needs some support right now. You know, to avoid messing up instead of sabotaging this thing.   
TT: We’ll talk later, I promise.

Dirk captchalogued his shades. Jake looked completely stunned by the sight; even when they were dating he seldom saw him without his glasses. This was a serious gesture.

“Jake.” Dirk’s tried to keep his voice matter-of-factly but there was a strange warmth in his words.”Do you like Aradia?”

“I, think?” he stammered.”I mean, I guess? Yeah?”

“Alright.” Dirk nodded.”I ain’t here to tell you that you need to bend over backwards and get hitched. Heck, you don’t need to do anything if you don’t feel like it. I’m just saying that if you like her, she is waiting for you to respond to her.”

“Okay but how?”

“Flirt with her, talk with her, maybe make out a little if the mood strikes.” Dirk chuckled, trying to readjust shades that were no longer on his face but playing it off by running his hand through his hair.”I guarantee it’ll make her day.”

It happened so fast, Dirk had no idea how to react but there he was. Being hugged tightly by his best friend and ex, behind the hive of his prospective matesprit.

“Thanks Dirk.” Jake beamed.

“For what?” he replied, visibly uncomfortably without his glasses.

“For helping me out with this. As you said, I am not great with matters such as these and I really appreciate the assist.”

“Hmmhmmm…” Dirk grumbled, really tempted to get his shades back. The embrace was taking a little longer than he anticipated.

“…..You know I’m not big on hugs though, right?”

“Obviously.”

They continued their hug for at least 2 more minutes before Dirk attempted to wrestle himself free.

* * *

 

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] began trolling cyprinidConquerer [CC]--

AC: \\(=^..^=)/ M33NAH!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ M33NAH M33NAH M44NAH!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PINK ALERT OH MY MOOOOOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE HAVE A SITUATION LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OR SHOULD I SAY: SEATUATION?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SERIOUS FACES!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BECLAWS I CAN NOT EVEN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
CC: im pretty shore i told you to take a swim and ship anemone but me rn  
CC: so water you even doin right now 38/  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I GOT THE BIGGEST SHIPPING NEWS FACTS, LIVE AT EIGHT!!!!!!!   
CC: its 7:30  
CC: i have shit to do  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL IF YOU INSIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
CC: i wasn’t  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/: YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ PALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT, I HEAR YOU ASK, WHO COULD BE THIS MYSTERIOUS PURRSON SHROUDED IN MYSTERY?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!!!!   
CC: is it serket?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT MAY SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN THAT ITS ARANEA!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: /(=O..O=)\ SHIT!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=x..x=)/ HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?!?!?!   
CC: lucky guess  
CC: also the whole fin on hellmurder island  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU WERE THERE?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OF COURSE YOU WERE THERE, DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
CC: yeah, so are we done here?   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE HAVE TO HOOK THE TWO OF YOU UP ALREADY!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ LET’S GET THIS DIAMOND GOING!!!!!   
CC: aight  
CC: that’s a horribubble idea an you are horribubble for thinkin it  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY NOT?!?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SHE’S PALE FUR YOU AND I BET YOU ARE PALE FOR HER!!!!!   
CC: like hell i am  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOOOOOOG!!!!! THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ EFURRYTHING SUDDENLY FALLS INTO PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU *ARE* SO PALE FUR HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
CC: it aint never gonna work anywave  
CC: so ya know  
CC: who even gives a fuck  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AH THAT WAS A DOUBLE NEGATIVE!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THAT MEANS IT IS GOING TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!   
CC: ugh  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY ARE YOU SO DEPURRMINED IT WILL FAIL ANYWAY?!?!?!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IF YOU ARE PALE FUR HER AND SHE IS PALE FUR YOU, THERE SHOULDN’T BE AN ISSUE NOW SHOULD THERE?!?!?!   
CC: aight look imma keep it a hundred right now  
CC: and you betta believe im comin for your horns if you ---EVER tell this ship  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOT THE HORNS!!!!!!!!   
CC: i would be the worst possibubble moirayeel for serket  
CC: like T)(E worst  
CC: i don’t like payin attrenchion durin her long ass monologues because who even gives a glub  
CC: and then there was that whale thing where she went awol in the bubbles which a moirail woulda shoulda seen comin but not me  
CC: cause we aint a good couple  
CC: we aint on the same wavelength like that  
CC: like that beach has been pale for me for fuck knows how long in the bubbles but like hell if id notice  
CC: seems i kinda blew my chance you know  
CC: maybe we should just let it go  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?! WHEN DID YOU BLOW YOUR CHANCE?!?!?!   
CC: that entire shindig with the ring of life remember?   
CC: if that wasn’t a fucking cry for help aimed for the gill she was pale for i don’t know what is  
CC: shoulda reacted too because damn  
CC: most romantic pale gesture i ever seen  
CC: so yeah chance blown  
CC: im over it  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEAH, BUT YOU STILL CARE FUR HER!!!   
CC: yeah so  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU WANNA HELP HER OUT AND S33 HER GROW AS A PURRSON?!?!   
CC: if that means helpin her get her head out of her nook  
CC: shore  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ THEN YOU STILL KINDA WANT TO BE HER MOIRAIL!!   
CC: well yeah  
CC: but with everyfin that’s happened  
CC: im not even shore she still wants me or if we just missed our chance you know  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO TALK IT OUT ON THE PILE!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DISCUSS WHAT THE TWO OF YOU WANT AND N33D FROM EACH OTHER IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THIS WORK!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ TAKE IT FROM ME MEENAH, EFURRY MOIRAILLEGIANCE N33DS GOOD COMMUNICATION!!!!   
CC: not shore what i dislike more  
CC: you talkin like a dumb catgirl or you talkin sense  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO EXCUSES!!!!!   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I AM CALLING FUR ARANEA AND WE ARE DOING A TRIAL JAM AT MY HIVE TODAY!!!!!   
CC: that is the worst idea i’ve heard all week  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU’LL STILL COME BECLAWS D33P DOWN YOU REALLY WANT ARANEA TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL  
CC: you know what  
CC: i made up my mind  
CC: you talkin sense is pretty much the worst  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ >:3c

\--cyprinidConquerer [CC] ceased trolling absoluteCatastrophe [AC]--

* * *

 

 

Jake and Dirk returned to the troll girls, who were trying their hardest not to snicker. Dirk noticed the window was open again but was relatively sure they couldn’t have caught onto the hug. Even if they did, confidence was key. He could always play it off as no big deal or ironically play it up to the point of meaninglessness. Being an enigma was a fulltime job.

A quick glance towards his friend showed that he had a lot more difficulty finding a way to conduct himself. The added awkwardness of knowing there was something between him and Aradia just seemed to make it that much harder for him.  
“Did you catch the basilisk?” Nepeta chuckled.

“No…” Jake sighed disappointed.”I must concede and admit defeat against this elusive creature, at least for now.”

“You’ll get your revenge.” She assured him.

“Would you like to finish the tour now?” Aradia wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. She was sounding downright sultry. Dirk wasn’t sure how much longer she was willing to wait for Jake to get her hints.

“Errr…. Yes.” Jake said, nodding frantically.

“Let’s see, we still haven’t been to my channeling block, the recreation chambers and—“

“Could we go to your bedroom, maybe?” he stammered.

Aradia chuckled in a way that made Jake weak in the knees, as she led him up the stairs. Dirk noticed the swagger in her step and the smirk on her lips.

“Pretty sure this counts as mission accomplished.” Dirk said in a hushed voice, the moment Jake and Aradia were out of earshot.

“I didn’t know you knew how to do redrom.” Nepeta replied.

“I don’t.” He sighed. “But I do know Jake.”

The two of them stalked upstairs until they arrived at the now closed door of the respiteblock. Nepeta dared to open it just a little to eavesdrop on the two of them.

“So do you come here often?” Jake’s voice mumbled awkwardly.

“I lived here for sweeps.”

“Of course!..... Of course. I was just wondering if---” he was abruptly cut off. The sound of his voice replaced by the sound of a pair of lips crashing into his, the sound of fabric coming loose and the gasps for air. Nepeta and Dirk slowly stepped away from the door and turned to go back down. There wasn’t much left for them to do in the hive and with a silent nod, they agreed it was time to go home.

“Pretty sure this counts as mission accomplished.” Dirk repeated. Nepeta punched him in the shoulder as he put his shades back on. Together, they began the track back to civilization, leaving Jake and Aradia to revel in their new matespritship.

* * *

 

 

“NOW YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHY I CALLED YOU HERE!!!!!!” Meulin exclaimed. She sat at the head of her coffee table, pouring tea for her guests. Aranea, who was dressed to the nines, using bright orange to try and emulate her godtier garb. Despite that, she appeared very uncomfortable, sitting hunched forward in an attempt to make herself look smaller.  
Across from her sat Meenah, wearing clothes that looked like she had worn them all week and sitting with her legs spread, occupying the whole couch. She appeared to pay very close attention to everything in the room, as long as she didn’t have to look at the troll opposite of her.

“Litereelly neither of us are floundering about that.” she grumbled.

“We are well aware of the circumstances that led us here.” Aranea clarified.

“GOOD!” Meulin yelled, painfully unaware of her own volume.”THEN LET’S GET STARTED! MEENAH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FIRST?!?!”

“not reelly.”

“HOW ABOUT----“

“I would love to.” Aranea interrupted. “Meulin, I appreciate your enthusiasm, hospitality and your attempt to mediate in this little altercation. However, I fear this sentiment is more than a little ashen, a quadrant I have already successfully filled.”

“IT’S NOT ASHEN!” Meulin assured her.”MOG!!!! THAT IS ABOUT MAKING SURE RELATIONSHIPS DON’T HAPPEN!!! I AM TRYING TO DO THE OPPAWSITE!!!!”

“Regardless, I agree that Meenah requires a moirail and that my own steady guidance may very well suffice.”

“Yeah, right.” Meenah scoffed, crossing her legs.”So that chick nearly forkin everyfin up by stealin a piece a jewelry to show everyone she could… Was that you or some other light fairy?”

Aranea looked like she wanted to say something but refrained from doing so. An awkward silence fell over the room as no one seemed to know how to proceed.

“COME OOOOOOON.” Meulin groaned. “MEENAH, YOU ARE PALE FUR ARANEA AND ARANEA IS PALE FUR YOU!!!! WHAT IS STOPPING YOU FROM BECOMING MOIRAILS ALREADY!!!!!”

“Whale for one, Serket needs to get her head outta her nook.” Meenah sneered.

“And for two, Meenah would do much better with Kurloz.” Aranea retorted.”Saves her the trouble of having her moirail talk back.”

The two of them shot each other a nasty glance but Meulin practically jumped onto the coffeetable, distracting them.”GUYS THIS IS SOUNDING FURRY BLACK AND I DON’T LIKE IT!!!!!!”

Meenah took a pause and seemed to consider something with a pained expression. “It’s not black.” she finally sighed.

“THAT’S A START!!!!”

“So where dó we stand?” Aranea asked, with a surprisingly small voice.

“You tell me.” Meenah groaned.”Don’t you always have all the answers or something?”

“You are frustrated.” Aranea began. “You don’t understand why this has to be so complicated.”

“Whale obviously!” she cried, almost knocking the tea off the table.”But shit’s always gotta be such a glubbin ordeal with you! Like, you never even say what you feel, you spin an entire fucking essay that concludes with everfin bein open to interpretation. Fuck that! Shoot straight, plain an simple.”

“You think this is easy for me?!” Aranea cried, clearly offended. “It must be so easy for you to ignore dissenting opinions but I have to feel them on a constant basis.” She leaned back with a painful expression.”If I’d speak my mind at every opportunity like you do…” Aranea didn’t dare look up from her cup of tea. “….the sentiments of everyone else will surely drive me to despair.”

“OH BECAUSE OF THAT SYMPATHY THINGIE YOU DO!!!!!!!!’ Meulin shouted.

“Empathy.” Meenah corrected.”Serket, why not just glubbin tell me?”

“Surely you can summize that yourself.” Aranea sighed.”You think I am being a drag to deal with, a burden, whenever I am talking for a prolonged period of time. I know, I feel it. I just do not want you to….. think less of me.”

Aranea was rubbing her hands in her eyes. “I want to be worthy of being your moirail.”

“Whale yeah, course Im thinkin less a you.”

Meulin and Aranea looked at Meenah in shock, who was very nonchalantly drinking in their reactions.

“I aint thinkin less a you for that whole empathy nonsense.” she clarified.”Im thinkin less a you for SOMEHOW believin I wouldn’t be all aboat that straightforward shit. Like, worst case seanario I think you bore me, but so what? I’d still be shootin the shit with you”

“THAT ISN’T VERY ROMANTIC MEENAH!” Meulin said, disapproving.

“Its as romantic as she gets.” Aranea chuckled.

“Right?” Meenah shot them a sharklike grin.”Look, I am as dangerous a beach as beaches get and Serket, you might need a proper shooshin even more cause--”

“If anything, I’d be the---“

“—Nope.” Meenah laughed. “You so thirsty for a good shoosh pap it is physeacally painfull to watch.”

Aranea’s face turned sour.”Perhaps I have been a little obvious.”

“Ya think?”

“SO IF YOU COULDN’T BE MOIRAILS BEFORE, BECAUSE ARANEA WAS TALKING TOO MUCH AND MEENAH WASN’T LISTENING, WHICH IS SORT OF FIXED NOW….. CAN YOU BE MOIRAILS NOW?!?!?! Meulin asked, just a little too hopeful.

Meenah and Aranea shot each other a look and began snickering.

“We are being awfully stupid about this, aren’t we?” Aranea sighed.

“YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!”

“So we gone give this a shot?” Meenah asked, her voice just a little higher.

“We’ll have to establish some ground rules….” Aranea pondered.”I am willing to try and be a bit more quote unquote straight with you, if you are willing to listen.”

“Whale I’ll see what I can do.”

“THAT’S GOOD!” Meulin interrupted. “IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTNER NEEDS AND WHAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!! TROLL COSMO TOLD ME SO!!!!!”

“That’s….. nice?” Aranea mumbled, a little uncomfortable at the mention of the magazine.

“But like, Leijon, if you don’t mind….” Meenah made an almost convincing fake cough. “We aint piling up in front of yous just yet, so here’s the plan.” She stood up walked around the coffeetable and sat down next to Aranea. “Me and Serks is gonna get some privacy.”

“AAAAW BUT WHY?!?!?! RUFIOH AND JADE LET ME WATCH!!!!!!!!!”

“Because they are pale deviants.”

“IT’S OKAY!!!!!!!!!” Meulin bounced up and down and uncaptchalogued a laptop encased in yarn.”I WAS GOING TO TELL NEPETA AND DIRK ABOUT THIS FIRST ANYWAY!!!!!”

Meenah rolled her eyes. Aranea grabbed her hand and dragged her away, while Meulin began typing an essay about her shiny new ship.

She quietly wondered if Nepeta had done any shipping today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this only took forever. No I am still not happy with it but you can only edit for so long. More chapters are planned but will take a while to get too, because I need to finish Movies with Karkat. So yeah, sorry about that.


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